Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ When We Meet Again *~* ❯ Paradise Broken - Part II ( Chapter 14 )

14.) Paradise Broken - Part Two

Confined. She felt confined and trapped, as if four strapping walls were instantly built around her, sealing her in beyond escape. It didn't even seem plausible to Hitomi - the fact that those four walls were nothing more than the outer boundaries of her own home. Her own home... it sure didn't seem like it at the time. The air was uninspired, unadorned and almost even suffocating. Everything was uncomfortable - piercing, jarring, irritating. This was not the home Hitomi was familiar with; this was not the home she remembered leaving just earlier that morning. Now, the atmosphere of this once familiar place was thick with questions and doubts, lingering ponderings transforming her only sanctuary into a place she only wanted to leave all the more. There wasn't anywhere for Hitomi to go. There was no hiding place or refuge. She would have to face each passing challenge of this exhausting day, one after the other.

The first challenge - eye contact. It was a thing she had been profusely avoiding, darting her jade spectacles in any other direction asides from his. Amano's glare was demanding, intimidating. She couldn't bring herself to face it directly, as if doing so would release things, thoughts, of which she didn't long to share. Hitomi didn't know exactly when such secretive accumulations of hidden longings had begun to develop within her, but she knew it was something that Hitomi now desired to keep only for herself. She would have been willing to tell certain people: that detective, or maybe Catherine, maybe her newly arrived cousin San Askielowicz, and probably Yukari, but there was just no way she could gather enough courage within her to express such things to Amano Nekuchi. She was too afraid to admit what even she didn't understand. She was merely too afraid.

"Hitomi," he said her name, blank and expressionless. She didn't like when he spoke her name in such ways, basically because he never used such tone with her before. It wasn't comforting but commanding, and in this empty apartment of hers such a voice could ring out and echo and add fairly to her anxiety. She didn't like to hear this. If anything, Hitomi would much rather listen to the crackle of Catherine's cooking, the familiar roll of Yukari's laugh, or even the new sing-song voice of San, of whom she hadn't heard from in too long. Where had they all gone anyway? How could her close friends, her bridesmaids even, abandon her like this? It was all Yukari's fault. Hitomi had just been reacquainting with her dearest cousin San (just after entering the apartment and befalling the early-arrived surprise), when her best friend had decided to point out how quickly the day had slipped by them. And so, promising they would all gather in girlish giggling glee the very next day, Yukari had taken Amano's keys to drive herself and San home, with Catherine tagging along to bring the vehicle back to Amano safely. It almost even seemed planned, the whole ideal that Amano and Hitomi would be left in the apartment with no means of leaving. Sure, one might assume that the average two to be engaged are only most comfortable amongst each other, but they should have known Hitomi was far from average. They should have sensed Amano's serious persona. They shouldn't have left her all alone in a confrontation she couldn't weasel out of all by herself.

"We're getting married in twenty-four days now," Amano smiled gently, waking Hitomi from her clouded thoughts. Her sight seemed to register again in her debating mind, and she noticed the handsome and almost warm expression return to her fiancé. She couldn't trust it really, thinking that it may just be a luring image to try and calm down her worries of things to come, but at least it was working. The way his brown bangs, almost a sepia colour, crowned his face lightly and the way his chiseled smile seemed to radiate with gentleness, brought an old and strange impression of comfort towards her. It reminded Hitomi of the way things used to be, when those looks used to dominate her previous love life and affairs. It reminded Hitomi of the way things were not long before, not long before her days took on a drastic turn for the worse, but also for the better.

"Amazing, isn't it?" What seemed like minutes later, Hitomi finally replied realizing just how long it took for her to gather her thoughts and courage to speak.

"Yeah," Amano nodded thoughtfully, taking her hands gently from across the dining table, separating her fingers with his, elbows resting on the grains of the red wood. "San seems like an incredible person. I'm glad to finally meet her. I'm not surprised a relative of someone like you would be just as wonderful."

"Aw, Amano..." She blushed somewhat, almost forcing herself to. Sweet talk. It seemed queer. She hadn't heard such sugary, complimented words in a long time; at least not from Amano that is. Then again, in this past week, it wasn't like there had been much chance for opportunity. Days would sometimes come and go without so much of a word, much less something as seemingly ludicrous as "sweet talk". Both of them were just so caught up in just about everything, everything except for each other.

"I've been thinking…" he stated, that dry tone beginning to return to him to Hitomi's dismay. His voice trailed after the words, bringing a tedious silence to the empty surroundings. The uneasiness of it all grew to the point where the ticking of the kitchen clock almost seemed deafening. Hitomi ached and longed for him to continue and complete his thought, to not prolong these minutes of pure uncertainty. The more time Hitomi spent with Amano after a day like today, the more likely he would be able to pick up on just what she didn't want him to know. She already could tell that Amano had an idea, vague it was and possibly easy to manipulate, but still it was an idea. That meant Amano doubted her. She was insulted by such a thought, but then again, did he not have a right? Didn't Amano have every side of justice to doubt her? Didn't she deserve the doubt?

Then suddenly, Hitomi thought of him again.

She didn't how it happened, but somehow he slipped quickly into her thoughts without warning, allowing her heart to suddenly pick up passionately in pace. Her eyes were suddenly clouded by images of white - wings. He was leaving her. He was leaving her tomorrow. It was a sad reality that she knew and had been trying so much to avoid. Everything, the memories of this once-in-a-lifetime day, everything - she wanted to ignore it all just for now, just so she could play it normally with Amano and not arise any suspicions. However, it didn't seem Hitomi's mind was very effective with its task. Somehow, just that second, the questioning thoughts began to plague in confusing jumbles once more: where was he now? Was he safe? What had happened? Was he…

"I think we need to talk, Hitomi." Amano said it again, those ugly words that are not anticipated within any relationship. Those words caused Hitomi's wandering thoughts to shut up, at least partially.

"Alright." She shrugged. She smiled. Sometimes, Hitomi Kanzaki could only wonder where she found the energy to exert actions so positive after a day such as this. She brushed back an auburn bang, finding her thoughts to wander once more. She knew that once they were released, they were very difficult to contain a second time. She had been doing well, that is up until now. She had thought her day's worth of crying was over, but nonetheless her heart still hurt. It was painful, like it was some sort of outer physical force hurting her. But it wasn't. The pain was from within, and she couldn't ignore it, even in a time like this when it was simply best to ignore.

"Do you know why I'm here today, Hitomi?" He was speaking still, Amano, still bringing her back from the thoughts she continued to wander off to. His expression was serious again, serious and uninviting. She didn't like it.

"To... visit?" It was the only reply she could conjure up in time, feeling her hands clam with nervous sweat under the heat of Amano's. She swallowed; knowing her answer was no short of stupid.

"Visit?" His eyebrow jerked upwards, voice comprehending the illogicality of her response, trying to hide a discontented sigh. "Hitomi, it's almost eleven at night, you know I wouldn't be visiting at this hour. Moreover, I know that you should have been home a lot earlier, but you arrived here at the same time I did."

She fidgeted uncomfortably, feeling her fingers coil and long to escape his grasp as her thoughts fought for an answer. She didn't like his hands on hers anymore. They felt just as confining as everything else did. They didn't love anymore, and they didn't feel loving. His hands, his warmth, his smile, his touch, just weren't the same. It didn't seem like anything could possibly be the same. It was plain and simple and rung silently throughout her thoughts: Amano just wasn't similar or matching or alike. She knew it straightforward and she knew it well: Amano just wasn't Van.

"So just why are you here anyway?" She retorted quickly this time, almost lashing with her words, feeling an angered heat flame within her. If it was anything that Hitomi despised, it was being doubted. She didn't like being doubted, and she was absolutely starting to detest this prodding tone that Amano was using with her. She also didn't like the way she kept "thinking." Hitomi was with Amano now. She had to think of Amano now. Her mind would have to stop these uncontrollable wanderings. She had to stay focused, even if her heart longed for otherwise. If she kept thinking of that someone else, there was no way Hitomi would survive this night with Amano questioning her every move and intuition.

"Yukari called me just a bit earlier," He relieved Hitomi of some of her anxieties by casually releasing her hands to the draftiness of the open air. "She told me she was worried for you, and also about how you've been behaving lately."

"Oh really," Hitomi sputtered, noticing that her voice was beginning to equally balance the monotone and nearly spiteful ways of Amano's. She had been right before. That smile was nothing but a fake, trying to get her to drop her guard. Amano's intentions here were far from loving. She hadn't expected and didn't like hearing Yukari's name mentioned in this mess, and she also didn't like the way Amano spoke of her "behaving." It made Hitomi sound like nothing more than a trained dog he could command to sit or stand whenever he pleased. She had no idea when such resentment had manifested within her, but along with her bouts of sadness, all of Hitomi's confused emotions were beginning to battle and fuel.

"Yes really," he replied to her with the same amount of sarcasm, drawing his hands back fully now with menacing brown eyes studying her over carefully as he leant against the back of the dining room chair. She noticed it now. She could see how Amano had that same look; he had the exact same look Yukari did just that morning. It was that sarcastic, high-cheekbone image of a kidding doubt that was miles from open-minded; one that Hitomi was adequately beginning to despise.

"Hitomi, today's a Friday. You should have been at work."

"I wasn't feeling well," she stated matter-of-factly, feeling her back press against the dining room chair as well, distancing herself. She felt like escaping now, she wanted to writhe out of this horrible situation and flee once more from these people. Her eyelashes fluttered to accentuate her words, to signal that she was not enjoying this little conversation to the least bit.

"You weren't feeling well?" Amano repeated her, phrasing her words in a question form, leaning over to press his right hand against the sandy brown bangs of her forehead.

Hitomi flinched for a second, feeling the hairs bristle on the back of her neck, almost having to hold herself back from violently slapping his hand away.

Then, he froze. He removed his hand, and stared at her with an image almost as hurt as it was highly questioning. His eyes looked forlorn, lost, confounded. His hands remained inert, unmoving, held in the air no longer touching Hitomi after feeling her immediate withdrawal.

Amano took a deep breath. No one spoke for almost an unbearable minute.

"I'm sorry!" Finally, Hitomi gave in to the impeccable pressure, not longing to see his hurt image any more. Although, honestly she did feel upset with him, she realized now: what right did she have to be upset? Why should she be mad at Amano questioning her? He wasn't the one that disappeared for an entire day. He wasn't the one who was keeping things from her. He wasn't the one hiding a dozen secrets from everyone. She was the one. The only person she could be possibly mad at was none other than her own self.

"Why did you do that?" Amano asked the question austerely. There was no emotion to his voice, as he remained standing, looking down at her.

Hitomi, who felt now a hundred times smaller, ducked her head in confused shame, eyes hidden behind mahogany bangs falling near her ears. Why did she cringe like that? Was she angry? Was she upset with him? She really didn't know! She still detested the way he was speaking with her, so doubtful and cynical, but then again, he had every right to act that way. He had every right to question her because she couldn't deny the fact that a day such as this one only held about a million questions within it. Hitomi was the one who was screwing around with the regularity of life. She was the one who had decided to bring such a tumultuous twist to something that had once been so ordered, so already complete in its entirety.

"Why did you just react like that?" He posed the question a second time. "Hitomi, what is it? You don't want me touching you anymore, is that it?"

"What are you talking about…" She played stupid. It was the only thing Hitomi could do as her thoughts began to argue. There were so many arguments, loud and rampaging within her mind. Thousands of inclinations begged at her from every single direction. Some pleaded with her, demanded her to apologize to Amano, to submit to the supposed "perfection" of her previous and undisturbed life. That part of her wished Hitomi to run back to its reliability, to the normality of the upcoming wedding, to the factuality of Amano's presence. He was here. This was now. That was what her mind needed to accept. Hitomi had to think of her young and extended future that lay ahead, she knew she had to escape from all of the unexpected strangeness that had came so sweetly without warning. That was what her goal had been when she had left that morning: to achieve closure. She thought she would. Hitomi thought she would be able to confirm what she knew and go on with life, to go on with a beautiful and fulfilling life. It had seemed easy at the time, but now that easiness only enticed her laughter. Easy? This was far from such a thing. This was hell. Hitomi's mind was being constantly reminded about her earthly life, about what she needed to do in order to survive in today's society. She couldn't just speak of strange, implausible things and expect to stay at bay from the office of Dr. Nathaniel Teroka, whether she believed those things or not. If she went on living a tale of two lives, it was most likely she would simply repeat that cycle of beautiful psychiatry sessions and downright wonderful prescriptions for "crazy girl" disorders. Hitomi knew this with her mind, but she didn't even remotely think it with her heart. That was what was now impending that guilt once again. She couldn't even think of the wedding. She couldn't even look at Amano. She couldn't even touch Amano. She could do none of these things because her heart did not tell her to. It lay elsewhere, and very soon, it would tear the very aspect of Hitomi Kanzaki in a thousand pieces left to shatter.

"Is there something wrong with my hands, Hitomi?" Amano woke her a second time. His voice was strong and challenging, displaying his palms and ten fingers, making them viewable against the table.

"Amano I-" A scramble for words - interrupted and unsuccessful.

"So what is it Hitomi, huh?" He brought his weight back off the surface of the table, eyes flaming with his words. He looked angry to her, upset, but somewhere within, Amano also looked hurt. She knew it; she could still sense it. Even though he was mad at the moment, Amano was vulnerable. He didn't know what to do with Hitomi, as she didn't know what she would do with herself.

"First you don't want me to put my hands on yours," he continued quietly now; voice lowering, hushed and almost even shimmering with each word of unexpected emotion. He stood near her, leaning his weight against the dining table, staring at the back of his hands, blinking softly.

"Now you won't even let me touch you at all."

His head titled in her direction, sepia bangs falling handsomely to his cheeks. His broken eyes lay upon her. They were quiet eyes. Familiar eyes. Sad eyes.

Hitomi found that her breath was caught tightly. She was facing him. Hitomi was not avoiding it this time - she wanted to see him. She wanted to meet his words with the same emphasis and strength, but just upon looking at him she could already feel herself growing not stronger, but weaker.

Such sadness. She hadn't seen it before, possibly because she had been doing everything but looking at him directly. But it had to be direct. It was strong, upsetting and sad. Hitomi didn't know how to relate to such a thing, trying but knowing she could not remember a time when Amano looked so inconsolable, so used, and so very abandoned. Why? Why did he feel this way?

Hitomi stood herself abruptly, the scraping echo of the chair legs screaming like a cannonball through the air in this awkward phase of silence.

Deep, broken, brown eyes. Standing equally in front of her. Did she give them to him? Was it Hitomi who was at fault for such a strange look of utter loneliness? It was her fault, wasn't it? Who else could possibly be to blame? It was all her stupid fault! What in the hell was wrong with her? Amano didn't mean any harm. He never did mean any harm. He was full of good intentions, and she knew that. She had always known that. If Hitomi doubted Amano in any way, she would have never stayed so faithfully by him for all of these years as she did. When did things just so abruptly change in her life? When? When did she agonize over speaking to her fiancé, instead of rejoicing as she usually did? When did communicating with him become a chore instead of a longing? His eyes hadn't changed. Nothing about them changed. Nothing about him changed. Hitomi had been complaining all of this time about how "nothing was the same," but perhaps, it was only Hitomi who "wasn't the same" after all. Even though she longed to deny it, Hitomi was aware of a horrible and unfamiliar truth that had erupted into the normality of their lives: Amano loved her dearly, but somehow, that once mutual love was now one-sided.

She advanced slowly, arm extended. Her guilt had multiplied ten times fold, consuming her in a torturous fashion. His sadness, anger and resentment were still wrapped in confusion. At the same time, she was also wrapped in the very same way. Hitomi couldn't understand why she could no longer find herself thinking or feeling the same way as she did before. She had thought it would be easy, to bring back those enkindling affections that her and Amano shared, but it wasn't easy, like everything else, it was hell. She couldn't find them. Her mind and heart, body and soul searched frantically within every emotional aspect that dwelled in Hitomi Kanzaki, but nothing would ignite the flame that was once there. It had been extinguished, exhausted, replaced. Without even realizing it, Hitomi had willingly abandoned Amano to light a life of his own. With the upcoming wedding, with the dozens of invitations, with the months of planning, and the precious years of an endearing engagement, Hitomi had done the very one thing that would easily screw up the life of not only herself, but Amano also, and many others along the way:

Hitomi had fallen out of love.

"Amano, please hold me." She asserted the words loudly and confidently into the coarse and thick air. There was no thinking involved, no planning, but only compassion. Hitomi found it much too difficult to sift through her own emotions, living in the fear that she would discover that same truth she had been so unwillingly hiding for the last near to six years. Despite that, despite the fact that she knew there was something deep and welled and developing within her, Hitomi would have to do her best to conceal it all a second time. It wasn't that she wanted to, but it was all because she had to. Hitomi had to do this; she had to will herself to put away those strong and wandering feelings. Amano needed her now; he needed her to be there just like the way she used to be. Amano needed Hitomi to be the way she was before everything changed. And she needed to be there for him; she knew she had to. It didn't matter where her heart was directed at the moment; she had to trust that his heart lay only within her hands. Hitomi knew hearts were tender and fragile, and she knew she couldn't drop his just because she no longer wished to carry it. That was selfish. They had been carrying each other through the past five wondrous years. It was a strong commitment that Hitomi could not break out of so easily, and she was starting to doubt whether she wanted to break away from it at all.

Strong and caressing arms engulfed her, as Hitomi's thoughts abruptly silenced; she lay caught within Amano's embrace. It was soft, familiar, warm and alluring. Although she had been debating just how much she wanted to return to Amano's hold, all such arguments were hushed now. This action, quiet peace with bodies entwined, had gone without effort for the last five years. Five years going to six, that was a very long time and she had known Amano even longer than that. She knew that this, that now, was normal. This was normal, was it not?

"Hitomi," Amano nudged her chin slightly with warm hands, looking down kindly at her. Although his gentle eyes were those of comfort, Hitomi could sense they were tainted. They were still deeply tainted with that devastated look of doubt and loneliness.

He brushed a burnt sienna bang behind Hitomi's ear, fingers gracing over her skin. It was a common action between the two, yet seemingly rare these last few days. Still, to Hitomi, it felt kind - it felt familiar.

"What's happened to the two of us?" Again, that sad voice. It wasn't angry anymore, just sad. How was Hitomi to respond?

"Amano, what do you mean?" She gazed up at him questioning, pretending as if she didn't know what he spoke of. However, her glimmering green eyes failed to hide the truth that she just what he meant by his words.

A breath left Amano softly, feeling weak in this ailing confrontation. His hands found Hitomi's, noticing that she no longer flinched or hesitated. Her touch was gentle and radiant as it was before. She was beginning to change. She was beginning to seem normal once again.

Hitomi feverishly tucked her head beneath his chin, leaning in closer as his chocolate brown bangs tickled her forehead. She didn't want to hear his words; she didn't want to nor long to know Amano's explanation about the distancing in their relationship. Hitomi already knew. She knew well all of the factors that had been burying within the strength of their care for each other. Hitomi knew that those factors posed a large threat on her behalf, tempting her and drawing her away to a more enticing look on life. Hitomi longed to run away as well, she wanted nothing more than to look onto this new reality, to face a life she had hidden and only longed to explore. But now that she thought of it more thoroughly, more sensibly, Hitomi knew that was selfish. As much as there were factors that easily drew her away, all the same there were factors that brought her back to earthly realism. Even though she wanted to escape to the genuine world of fantasies that secretly raged within her, she couldn't deny that there was nothing wrong with the way her life was now. Maybe if her life were lonely or difficult, it would be easier to escape to that "winged" dream of happiness, but that wasn't the case. Hitomi's life now was just as promising, with a positive outlook on her wedded future and dozens by the dozens of kind and devoted friendships. Hitomi already had a good life. But then why did she feel so compelled to choose otherwise? Why?

"What happened to you today Hitomi?"

Amano was speaking, quietly, but Hitomi didn't even notice. Maybe it was because she so adversely wanted to avoid such a question, or maybe it was because her eyes were now shut. Hitomi only longed to close them, thinking that if she shut away the vision of the world and stayed only in Amano's embrace, just maybe, bit by bit, Hitomi could return to the way she once was just momentarily.

The world was shut out. It was just her caught within his close embrace. Hitomi's fogged heart had to come to a decision. She had to find the better of both worlds. She had to remember so many things. She had to look forward to even more things, even more beautiful things. She could only imagine the paradise that lay within her grasp. Wasn't it what Hitomi wanted?

Yes, it had to be what she wanted:

It would be quiet, a nice quiet neighbourhood. It would be the kind of pleasant neighbourhood you would see on post cards or friendly family shows. They would have a beautiful little house; two stories with pretty pink brick or maybe even off beige. They would also have a bungalow, a little cottage they would visit yearly out by Sunset Beach, four hours away. Their garden would be bursting with colour, what with Hitomi having quite the green thumb, and a handsome and probably expensive car would sit out in the driveway by their garage, what with Amano having quite the automotive taste. It would be such a perfect picture that they would be the talk of the neighbourhood, figuring Amano would know every single person in and around the block. Everyone would adore their close relationship to each other, with all the butterfly kisses in the morning as Hitomi saw Amano off to his profession as an independent doctor in his own little clinic. But even after that, Hitomi Nekuchi would still have plenty to do, why, she would have to take care of the children! Oh, the vast amount of children! Well, maybe not that many. Hitomi had a good feeling that one toddler was more than enough. Yes, that sounded more "paradise-y", seeing as toddlers were already a hassle for the young mother-to-be. Now, her little child would not have to be perfect, but she knew he would be adorable in every little way. Yes, their child would be a "he", a young little boy of whose name they would decide together. He would be adventurous and playful, bearing a striking resemblance to both of his parents. Yes, he would look much like his father but carry the traits and emerald eyes of his mother. His curiousity would sometimes get the better of him, but his eagerness would shine like the sun. That eagerness and curiousity would bring a bright child, one happy to learn and remember things as time went on. And with his young and newfound knowledge, that little boy and his mother would count down the seconds until his father would return from work, standing by the doorway as the shiny, black car pulled up the driveway while Hitomi pointed it out to the ecstatic young child through the window.

"It's Daddy, it's Daddy!" He would cry excitedly, fumbling with the door handle, dazzling eyes bouncing and fluffy black hair falling to his ears. He would have his father's tie in one hand (of which he would strangely try and wear even though it dragged almost to his knees) and he would prod at the golden door handle with the other. It would be then that Hitomi would smile, slowly, and unsurely. But it would be then that Hitomi would pause. Then, she would slow herself considerably. Then, she would duck down on one knee, smiling lovingly at her son as she peered at him inquisitively.

It would be then when that once uniform perfection would instantly fall.

Hitomi would brush back his hair, fingers running through a sea of berry black coating tan skin, while she would stare slowly at his earnest green eyes, which awaited his father. The earnest green eyes of his mother, the handsome looks of his father?

It would be then that Hitomi's breath would catch. It would be then that her thoughts would scream and quarrel. It would be then her mind would analyze, and her heart would frequently pound. Her eyes would then lift towards the door, her ears then picking up on the sound of a key being turned slowly through the lock. Her mind would then be crowded with thoughts of husbands and perfection, daddies and children. Then those thoughts would be silenced, as that door would be opened. It would be then that things would be opened. It would be then that her eyes would be opened and her mouth would utter no words in her own shocked surprise.

It would be then that Van Fanel would walk through that door of perfection.

"Nothing happened!" Suddenly, Hitomi heard her voice erupt into the strange silence; loud and astonishing even to her own self. She could feel her hands brushing him away, brushing Amano further from her, unconsciously answering his previously stated question that she didn't even remember hearing.

Her heart was loud - it was pounding. What on earth had just happened?? She didn't even know! One second she was in Amano's arms, the next she was daydreaming of their blissful future… and then?? What had happened then? People can't just enter in your daydreams can they? No one else can alter a daydream except the person dreaming it up! Hitomi hadn't meant for that to happen, she hadn't planned it at all. It had been perfectly sequenced in her mind, just playfully watching the perfect little antics of her supposed future. Then how had that happened?? How had that slipped into the uniformed perfection, how did that always come back to her mind? It was incessant - uncontrollable and very convincing. She hadn't invited or enticed such thoughts to enter into her faultless fantasies, but now she was also aware that she was sickly beginning to prefer it. Hitomi liked the perfect Amano and her setting in the quiet perfect neighbourhood nice and fine and all, but what about that child… that little boy, her little boy? Hadn't he been quite the spectacle too? Floppy black hair and her own emerald eyes, yes, she had liked him. Hitomi had liked everything about her imaginative son; his inept yet adorable curiosity had won over her heart easily. Whether he is just a figment of her thoughts or not, she knew there was something special about thinking of the boy the way she did. He was not uniform with everything else in that little textbook world. It was like he was the imperfection in a perfect balance, or maybe even the perfection in an imperfect balance. Whatever it was, he was different and Hitomi liked that difference. She liked it. That liking was not just within the boy, but instead what that boy symbolized to her - his father.

"Nothing happened?" Suddenly, Amano's dry voice scaled right into her thoughts, waking her again from another wandering. It was loud and scarily demanding, like a door being slammed in her face. It was as everything had changed or altered or warped from that warm embrace just seconds before, now back into that intimidating gloom she had thought she had escaped.

They were a foot apart now, staring each other eye to eye. Wherever that warm embrace had gone she didn't know, she didn't even remember why she even bothered touching him at all. She was still upset with him, wasn't she? Or wasn't he upset with her? It was foolish of Hitomi to think things could just return to normal whenever life pleased.

"What's so surprising about that?" She challenged slowly, trying to keep her voice from growing too irrational. She didn't want to make it seem obvious that her mind was fully awake with rampaging thoughts a second time. Somehow, Amano had managed to successfully calm her before, with his sad eyes that wore at the surface of her heart. But she couldn't ignore what was welled even deeper than Amano's hurtful look. Eventually, no matter how hard she tried; it would keep coming back to her faster than Hitomi could run. The cycle was repeating. Everything was happening just like before only this time Hitomi had to face her Earthly friends as well as her outer fantasies. And this time, Hitomi knew what they would do to her. She knew the longer time went on, the more suspicious Amano and company would get. Before you know it Hitomi would be back in Dr. Teroka's clinic as "just another regular". But ha, she wished them luck and plenty of it; these skeptical earthlings. Hitomi wasn't going to forget so easily this time, no, she didn't plan to forget at all even though she had been asked to. Even when she tried just like before with her daydream of paradise, things will always be the way her heart wants them to be. It was something Hitomi couldn't avoid.

"You're lying to me Hitomi," Amano interrupted her analyzing, voice as cold as shaved ice. His eyes narrowed considerably with his temper wearing thin. "And I was right, you don't want me to touch you at all, do you?"

Hitomi was just about to jar in and ask what he meant by that, but then she noticed that each passing second she was moving inch by inch further away from Amano. It had been unconscious movement, something she wasn't aware she was doing but just sort of doing for the sake of it. She wanted to distance herself from him; Hitomi wanted to get as far away as possible, even if that meant being worlds away.

"What makes you think I'm lying?" There was demand in her voice, demand that was now beginning to override in panic. She knew that she had missed something along the way, some sort of important and essential detail, and she also knew that that detail was what Amano would now use against her.

"Why are you doing this Hitomi?" He asked plainly, as if he was so righteous and educated, and Hitomi was the dunce lacking knowledge of anything. She felt insulted by him, but yet also she was rather wary. Amano knew something. She could just sense it. He knew something and that was the reason why he knew she was lying to him.

"I don't understand you," she said with clarity, as if trying to make herself look any better. Hitomi knew she was just going around in pointless circles, but Hitomi didn't care about that. She wouldn't care if this evening went on in spiraling coils for that matter, as long as they wouldn't have to discuss what Hitomi didn't have the nerve to discuss.

"It's eleven at night and you've been out since ten this morning," Amano declared matter-of-factly, stating his first point of proof. "Explain this to me Hitomi, especially since you didn't go to work."

"How is this your business?" Hitomi growled her reply. Amano was just so superficial she was beginning to hate him for it. One second he would look at her with those damn puppy eyes, enthralling her to run back to him and fall into his caress, and the next he would be just as insensitive as he was before. Two-faced - that's what he was. Hitomi just wanted to be left alone. This day was enough to handle, she just wanted it all to be over.

"It really isn't my business," Amano nodded rationally, agreeing with her in that cooperative yet shallow tone that indicated there was more to his words than just their pleasant ring."It wasn't my business Hitomi, until you got me involved."

An eyebrow raised and her heart still pounded, hands clammy with sweat. This must have been the "detail". This must have been what she had so carelessly looked over.

"How on earth did I get you involved Amano?"

He stared at her blankly as if she were stupid. She sure felt like it at the moment, like she had skipped over something so bluntly obvious and now even with all of the hints he was dropping, she still couldn't figure it out.

Amano sighed - loudly. He looked at her, expressionless.

"Hitomi how is it," he began, emphasizing each syllable as if she would be too slow-witted to understand him. "How is it that an emergency, that you being in the Ramada and that your 'friend' being in an accident and 'bleeding to death' could be considered as 'nothing happening' today?!?"

She froze, dead still. It was like the blood drained from her face, to a point where she could almost feel her complexion whitening in realizing shock. He knew. He knew MUCH more than she would have ever predicted and it sickened and wrenched at her stomach at the thought of her pure negligence. How could she have been so blind? How could she have thought that she could easily weasel her way around Amano as if nothing had happened? He wasn't stupid! She was! What an idiot Hitomi had been. She should have known better; she shouldn't have forgotten about that damned phone call. Of course, that was how he knew of her actions today. He must have just received that stupid panicked message she had left hours earlier. Little did she know just how much information she had given him then. Now Amano knew all he needed to know about Hitomi. He knew she was purposely lying to him just seconds before and he knew that she was hiding something big. Hell, Hitomi knew she was hiding something big. She figured if she went on with daily life and utilized the best of her acting skills, then it would have been very possible that she wouldn't have to retell her story of the truck encounter, or the detectives, or the two hour walk, the taxi drive home… or those incessant thoughts buried at the furthest yet most powerful reach of her mind. Hitomi had hoped in all her heart out of all people in the world, Amano wouldn't ever have to know about Van, much the less what Hitomi thought of Van, what Hitomi felt for Van. She would have been willing to share the strange near-death experience and everything else about her day if she had to, but Van was a treasured secret she wanted only for herself. She couldn't tell another soul about what had occurred, even if she wanted to! If those events were brought in the open, those sweet, enkindling events, Hitomi would be… well… exposed. Ruined. She knew now that she was hiding a lot more than she could contain. Amano had leeway to the very things she was trying to conceal. What she hoped was ending was actually only beginning.

Her hands sensed a dining chair behind her. Hitomi's feet were still staggering backwards, still longing to escape but knowing such hasty measures would only bring about a worse outcome, and she didn't want any of this getting any worse than it already was. Besides, it's not like Hitomi had anywhere to escape to. This was her home! This place was her only means of escape from her collection of strange problems. If there were problems here, then Hitomi had nowhere else to go.

"You wouldn't understand Amano," a desperate fumble for words escaped her mouth, biding for an excuse to her actions. "Amano you just -"

"Why are you lying to me? What are you keeping from me, Hitomi?" His voice was so extremely loud, so threateningly loud that it alone sped up Hitomi's heart rate all by itself. Hitomi's words towards Amano were like hitting him with a dull object - it annoyed but made little to no effect. On the contrary, his demands were like a double-edged knife, piercing further and further into her until she would simply have to break down and confess.

But she couldn't do that. She just couldn't!

"I told you, you won't understand!"

"And why is that?" Amano was still hostile, aggressive, attacking her with that knife like a homicidal maniac. He wasn't backing down on this and it didn't look like he would allow Hitomi to succeed in her pitiful defense.

She stammered for words, "You can never understand. No one can."

"You're telling me that your own fiancé, your own future husband, can't understand you?"

She choked knowing she was trapped. Her eyes darted in every direction except for his, feeling the heat of the room was intensifying. The ticking of that damned kitchen clock was silenced now, untimely of course, so it made the air even more dull and nerve-racking. Why, even her cat just stared at them from atop the dining table, whiskers frisked beautifully, as if she didn't have a care in the world, and all the same she probably didn't. Damn that Naria.

Naria…

Hitomi's breath slowed. The name was achingly familiar, and not in reference to her overweight Persian cat. Yes, that was it! Hitomi had been kidnapped by a Naria, another feline, long ago in that strange demented world of her abandoned memories. It hadn't even occurred to her before, and it didn't even register in her mind when she had willingly named her own cat Naria back in the tenth grade. That world was still a part of her. Amano could never understand this. No one could.

Something singed her neck.

She looked downwards swatting at the pain, but then it disappeared as quickly as it had come. She glared at the bare of her neck just managing to catch a fleeting glimpse of ruby pink - her pendant. It lay hidden behind her blouse collar, but she could easily notice the way it radiantly glowed. It was calling to her. He was calling to her. He was calling to her. He needed her.

"Van," she thought painfully grasping that pendant, "only you understand me."

"So how is your friend?" Amano brought back her attention stepping a little bit closer. "Did he die?"

"NO!" Hitomi retorted back angrily, losing grip on her pendant and instead clutching her fists into tight balls just ogling Amano in disbelief. What in the hell was with that question?! How damn insensitive! The jerk!

"I thought that would get your attention," he stated almost even amused to prove his point. "So that's why you're so distracted. You're worrying about him."

"Who?!" Hitomi challenged, weakly, but still she challenged. She couldn't drop her guard; although she felt faltered with weakness she couldn't let him sense that! He was already toying with her rather skillfully, and it would only be a matter of time before his verbal knife would cut off her connection to any other liable excuse.

"You know who," Amano crossed his arms, miffed in reply. "Hitomi, you've only been dawdling all of this time. I know you Hitomi, much more than you'd think. I know you're thinking about someone else right now, and I know you can't get your mind off him. I don't need tarot cards or whatever to tell that you don't want to get your mind off him. Hitomi, you like thinking about him."

"Amano, I don't know what in the hell you're-"

"Don't lie to me again Hitomi."

"Well, shit Amano, it's not my fault! You're making this so fricking difficult-"

"You're making it difficult for yourself. You could always just tell me the truth and this will all be over."

Hitomi paused. She didn't have a heated reply to any of Amano's carefully crafted words. It made her wonder why on earth he went into medicine instead of law. He was just good at this kind of stuff, and Hitomi knew battling him with her dull object was pure suicide in itself. He was right. Amano knew what Hitomi was like and all the same she knew what Amano was like. She knew he wasn't going to give up until he was proved correct.

"This will all be over."

He was right about that too. If Hitomi just came out with it, then possibly that would be the end of the day right there. No more troubles. She could just go to bed without having a dozen concocted lies hanging over her head. It could all be over whenever she wanted.

"Hitomi," Amano was still so persistent, somehow making his way back directly in front of her without her even noticing. His heavy-laden hands lay upon her shoulders, but not in a way of comfort, but in a way of demanding interrogation.

"Hitomi Kanzaki, who do you love?" - an unexpected statement.

"What? What kind of question is that?" - an expected response, taken entirely off guard.

"It's a question. Answer it." - a demand.

"I don't know! You of course, what in the hell is the meaning of this?" - frantic.

"Me huh?" Amano cocked his head sideways. "Me and who else?"

"What more do you want?" Hitomi sniped the words. "You, Amano, YOU. All right? Are you happy now?"

"No," he answered her bluntly, almost in a comedic fashion although his voice was dry and horribly threatening - far from funny. "As a matter of fact I'm not. You know what I'm getting at Hitomi, but perhaps I should rephrase in a way you won't squiggle out of. Hitomi, I don't want you to lie to me."

"Amano I-" - interrupted.

"It hurts me when you lie to me like that." - quiet, melancholic.

It was that damned sad face again complete with sad eyes and sad voice, the pitiful works. The worst part about it was that Hitomi had a hard time distinguishing just how genuine Amano's image was. But nevertheless, it still affected her; it still weakened her to understand his words. She was denying it so profusely, so heatedly, but in the end she knew that Amano was more right than Hitomi was. She knew she couldn't lie any longer, she knew she didn't want to lie anymore.

"Hitomi," he whispered her name slightly thumbing her chin gently, once again back to that quiet state of being. "I love you, do you know that?"

"Yes," she nodded slowly, not admitting that she wished she didn't know that. If she didn't, Hitomi wouldn't feel as guilty as she was feeling now.

Amano hesitated for a second, as if waiting for a response other than her agreement. She looked at him, studied him, feeling dubious, knowing once again, she had managed to overlook the obvious. Just what it was this time was what concerned her most.

"Do you love me?" He asked plainly. 'I love you too.' Well, of course that was what Hitomi had forgotten to reply! She felt like she was becoming stupider; she was neglecting all things that were important as her mind continued to wander further away from whatever was happening. She needed to focus. She needed to stay on top of the game.

"Of course I do, Amano."

"Do you love anyone else?"

"Plenty of people, Amano."

He smiled a smile of impatience at her weaseling around his questions, "I meant romantically, Hitomi.

She was about to reply, words hot on the tip of her tongue gracing the roof of her mouth ready to form that "n" sound, ready to reply, "No, of course not, Amano," in her systematic way of answering things. But the words did not escape. They couldn't escape. Lies could not escape the boundaries of her mouth, or travel the sounds of her vocal cords. Hitomi said she wouldn't lie anymore, she told herself that! She didn't want to mess around with the truth, and make matters just as bad as they had been when Amano first found out about her "nothing happened" fib. She couldn't lie, and Amano knew this, which is why he had asked the question as directly as he did.

His heavy hands grew even more immense in weight upon her shoulders, like they were shoving her into the ground feet first. He was close enough to her that she could feel his warm breath blowing on her bangs, warm hands almost suffocating her from any space at all. He was crowding her, and she didn't like it. She didn't like this tension, this silence, this pressure to do something, to resolve this mess, when she didn't even know how. She didn't know what to say! She didn't have anything to say but the truth, and that would be the definite last thing that would utter out of her mouth. She would much rather lie than tell the truth at this point, and to maker matters worse, she would much rather say nothing than lie. And so, Hitomi was left standing and facing her thwarting fiancé, now looking not only stupid, but also mute. She was a lying, cheating, slow-witted and defenseless person who actually had the nerve to be angry with Amano. She began to wonder about that: Why in the hell was she mad at him? Sure, sure, so he was making her uncomfortable and he was being sort of insensitive, but if Amano knew ALL of the Van-oriented details that ran through Hitomi's mind with each passing second, he would not only be upset with her, but furious. He was picking up on a lot, but Hitomi was hiding so much more. What she hid was what Amano wanted to know, and what she planned to never share no matter what.

"Hitomi!" His voice was highly commanding now, it almost seemed to deflect off the walls and echo into her ears. His looming image stood close to hers, shadow casting onto her, it made it seem like Amano filled the entire room.

"There's someone else???" His eyes were on fire, his words equal to that flame. "Is that it Hitomi? There is someone else, isn't there??!"

Her breath was truly caught now, that overpowering invisible heat was like a stench crowding her thoughts. He wanted a reply. She could tell by the intensity of his expression that Hitomi could not play around with his words, she couldn't avoid the purely inevitable. Amano had been planning this ever since he had set foot in her apartment, no, even before that, he had been probably concocting it for quite a time today. Because he knew her so well, he also was fully aware of her weaknesses, of her usually short-term memory. Amano now had the advantage. In these last few minutes he had managed to successfully prove that Hitomi was a liar, falsifying the truth to her own future husband as he said himself. He also got her to admit that she had been with someone else today, that something eventful had happened of which she did not want to share. He also got her to say that she loved Amano, of which the words came out of her mouth from force of habit. Hitomi had been questioning just how genuine and real Amano's gestures were, when all of this time, all of the emotions she had been sending out were not even close to real! She was the only non-genuine thing about this whole, confusing relationship! She was the problem, and she didn't know what to do about that. She just didn't know what to do.

"Hitomi." His voice was so dark; it was frightening and even more than intimidating. It commanded attention and power and Hitomi's mind could wander no further. "Look at me."

Shit, she couldn't avoid him now. Gosh, that stupid Amano was so smart. He knew that she wouldn't have the daring heart to utter a word of a lie when staring at him eye-to-eye. Hitomi had a problem with lying in any form whatsoever, but when Amano was standing there, looking at her, she was totally and entirely helpless. Her eyes were the windows to her soul, and Amano had looked through that glass enough times to know the truth of her words even before she spoke them. There was no escape. She didn't know what to do. Hitomi was trapped, cornered. The end was now.

Brown eyes studied her, focused, dismayed, angry and lonesome brown eyes. His hands were now a fair hundred pounds each, weighing down on her as if a flock of a thousand moths were eating away at her dignity. Those eyes, Amano's eyes, they wanted the truth. She could see right down to Amano's soul, Amano's thoughts. He wanted the truth; he wanted to know. But he wouldn't he be able to handle it, Hitomi knew that. She couldn't even handle the complication of her own situation, how much less would somebody as close-minded as Amano grasp the concept of what no one understood?

"Hitomi," He was still barging onwards though, still blindly charging forward into the unknown. His next few words were at the same time expected of him, yet unexpected for Hitomi to hear. She would have never thought that Amano would have already devised the no more than perfect way to state just what everybody wanted to know, including herself:

"Hitomi, do you love Van Fanel?"

His words were so short, so soft, so simple yet so damn complex. She had not one idea where on earth Amano had already heard his full name, nor did she have the nerve to question it. He had asked her something she could not answer; for Hitomi could not lie and she'd much rather lie than speak the truth, so basically Hitomi could not say a syllable of any word. Instead, she just stood still looking mute and slow and unwilling, feeling her breath was either hastily rapid or worryingly slow. Also, she could feel herself moving until she realized she was trembling. It was a mild little vibrancy but she was trembling, from what she didn't know. It could have been the pressure of the situation, Amano's unending glare or even the weight of his heavy hands, those horrible heavy hands. It would take a few seconds before Hitomi would notice that she was not trembling at all, but instead, Amano was mildly shaking her with those burdening hands, back and forth as if to try and knock some sense into the woman, looking for that response he had hunted for in all this time.

"HITOMI!" He called to her, practically shouting in her ears.

She didn't reply. She couldn't reply. Hitomi had no answer for his inquiry; the only words she could say would only make it much worse. She could only fall submissively to his non-gentle rocking, feeling his hands burning through her skin like iron plates.

"So is this it Hitomi? You love this Van, don't you?" His fingers dug into her shoulders, almost painfully, and the spit of his words practically lashed onto her face. He was disgusted with her and her inexcusable silence.

She looked back at him, as she had never blinked yet. She felt afraid, focused, angry, upset and alone. They shared the same emotions, but Hitomi couldn't see that common advantage. She only saw differences. She could only see vast differences between them, differences she did not like. Those hands were pressing and demanding, and they were beginning to hurt her. Not emotionally or mentally or verbally, but physically. They were actually starting to hurt her.

Hitomi's eyes blinked once. He wanted a reply; he wanted her to say something. The silence was tedious. Something had to be said.

"Amano," she hushed quietly, guiltily, and remorsefully. "Don't touch me."