Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Broken ❯ Hit the floor ( Chapter 6 )

Author's note: Hi there! ;) Yes, it's me again, I've finally, finally managed to end this chapter.. Ken can be such a pighead if you want to talk to him about his feelings, he'd rather go running round the block than admit he does feel anything at all... Well, this is a really dark, angsty, depressing chapter, it was hard to write it, I really need something to cheer me up... *sighs deeply*
This is kind of the Weiss-side about what happened after Ran disappeared and it is the first of two interrelated chapters that deal with Ken (and somebody else ;). Although I already know what is going to happen in the next chapter it will probably take a while until I get it done, because I'm suffering from a major writer's block right now... And believe me, the worst writer's blocks are those where you actually do know what you want to write but can't concentrate enough on it to finish it... I'm sorry about that, but I will post it as soon as I finish it!! :)
Thanks a lot to Yanagi-sen for checking this chapter, without her help you'd probably constantly stumble acrosss many, many mistakes and that always ruins a story for me... Thanks again!! :)
To ko-chan: You have no idea how much you've helped me over the past months! Hab dich lieb!! *glomp*
Disclaimer: None of the boys belongs to me, they all belong to somebody else! I'll return them as neat and well mannered as I found them...

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Broken
(Hit the floor)
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Ken couldn't sleep.
It was a funny, if annoying feeling, his mind was exhausted up to the point that he couldn't even form a complete sentence anymore. His eyes kept drifting shut on a regular basis now and his body was completely relaxed under the covers and yet he couldn't sleep. It was three o'clock in the morning for God's sake and today had been the worst day he had ever experienced. He felt tired, numb, drained, physically as well as emotionally. He just wanted to lay down, close his eyes and sleep the sleep of the just assassin. He desperately wanted to forget what had happened today, just sleep a night over it and get a little rest from his -at the moment- really miserable life.
Which proved to be completely impossible, as his brain obviously couldn't ignore the day's events. His thoughts were repeating themselves over and over again, like a broken record they always went back to those many questions he did not have an answer for. He sighed miserably and slowly sat up in his bed, reaching for his bedside table to turn on the little lamp next to him. He regretted that action only seconds later when sudden bright light forced him to squint his eyes. His tired gaze wandered across his room, taking in the by now familiar furniture.
Ran wasn't dead. This was where his brain started every time. What had been his personal, if painful mantra for the last year had suddenly turned into a weird truth. He had always known that Ran couldn't have died that day. He wasn't dead because… they had not found his body. And if you couldn't find the body of a person said person could well be still alive. And could come back. As long as you didn't have his body there would always be the possibility that he could come back into their lives in that silent, reassuring way that was part of his character. He had often fantasized about this particular moment. In his dreams Ran would simply open the front door of their shop, put his shiny katana onto the counter and say with this deep voice he had been missing so badly, "What's our special offer for today?" Their fan girls would cheer like mad because of his return and the four of them would sell bouquet after bouquet of flowers to faceless teenagers, making their usual jokes about the usual stuff that could happen in a flower shop. Everything would be back to normal then and they would all live happily ever after…
Except that life was not a fairy tale and he certainly was not Little Red Riding Ken whose life had just simply gone back to normal after the wolf had spit out the grandmother.
`Jesus, get a grip on yourself, Hidaka!' he thought grudgingly, trying to force unwanted images of Yoji (Yoji of all people!!!) dressed in a red cape with a big basket full of cigarettes out of his mind.
Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment he leaned back against the wall, taking a deep breath. At one point of this day he had actually found himself wondering whether it would not have been much easier for all of them if Ran hadn't phoned them. If he had let them live in their ignorance. At first he had been shocked, even angry with himself that he could actually think something like this. He had immediately felt guilty and miserable that he had even thought this… This was wrong, this was not what he was feeling deep down inside, he was happy, relieved, downright thrilled that Ran wasn't gone forever, that he was still… there.
But after having thought about it for the better part of an hour, he had become quite angry with Ran for not giving them the chance to accept that Abyssinian would never come back to them again. Even now he felt strange that he was absolutely sure about one thing: He knew without any doubt that Ran would not come back to Weiss. That nagging feeling at the back of his head told him time and again that if Ran had really wanted to get back to them he would not have left this message on the answering machine.
And this was the point where his brain was kind of going round in circles. The question of why on earth Ran had called them and what they were to do with the knowledge that he was still alive bothered him. Would probably bother him until his tired brain eventually gave up on him and he would fall asleep and if he woke up the next day he would find out that everything had just been a bad dream. And if he believed that strong enough then maybe he would actually be able to convince himself that small girls dressed in red, selling cigarettes really deserved a happy ending…
Another miserable sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes for a moment, listening to the muted sounds of the city that never seemed to sleep. This was getting him nowhere; he'd always been someone to indulge himself in physical activities when faced with a situation that couldn't be solved that easily. This damned room was just too small for his over-worked mind, the walls were just too close for comfort and although this could well be a first sign of sleep deprivation he felt as if the walls were slowly but surely moving in on him, making it absolutely impossible to take a deep breath. What he needed right now was a long, fast run around the block that would leave him too winded and exhausted to think a single thought. Unfortunately though, thanks to his better than average stamina he would have to run at least for an hour at top speed to become anywhere as exhausted as he wanted to feel. He shook his head at the thought of feeling too well-trained and slowly got off the bed, opening his wardrobe to search for suitable clothes.
A few moments later he was sneaking down the stairs of their new home. Their apartment was so dark he could barely make out his hand in front of his eyes. It was smaller than where they had been living before, but after Ran's… `death' they had decided to leave their old home and start a new life in a new home. Just the three of them. Everybody still had their own rooms, but now they were sharing the rest of the rooms which had let to some few -sometimes funny- revelations about each other. He'd beenmore than surprised to learn that Yoji did indeed prefer to sleep with basically nothing on -although he'd promised to think about this after a certain cute-female-neighbor-knocks-at-the-door-and-not-yet-awake-yoji-answers-it-e pisode- and to find Omi cleaning the kitchen in the middle of the night and apparently enjoying himself almost excessively doing this had left him having to change a few opinions. Not to mention his own habit of leaving his stuff where he would never find it again which clashed horribly with Omi's scrupulous cleanliness. It had brought them closer together for a change and he'd come to like their new apartment. And having spent almost eight months here he had really come to get to know this place well enough to find his way through it even blindfolded.
He was just sneaking past the kitchen door on his way to the front door when a soft voice from inside the other room froze him in his steps.
"... need to talk to you, you know where to find me."
Once again the sound of Ran's calm, soft voice made it impossible for him to move, leaving him standing as still as a statue in front of the door. A soft metallic click told him that the answering machine was rewinding the tape and a second later the message he had been listening to at least a thousand times this evening was being played anew.
"It's me. I've just called to let you know that I'm still around. I need to talk to you, you know where to find me."
Ken wasn't aware that his lips were moving as the message played, that he was mouthing the words soundlessly while the machine repeated the message. He knew the words by heart now, knew every rise and fall of Ran's voice, every intonation, every slight pause. And after the message ended this time the machine rewound again, then stopped and Ran's voice drifted through the door yet again and Ken closed his eyes in despair, fighting back angry tears as it all became too hard to bear anymore...
Please stop it...
He took a deep breath, almost choking on it as he suddenly could sense just how close the walls seemed to have come the last moments... He really needed to get out of here, now, before he would completely fall apart in front of this stupid, white kitchen door. Trying to take another deep breath he was about to run out through the closed front door when he suddenly noticed the faint scent of cigarette smoke that was hanging in the air.
Yoji?
After the message stopped this time it didn't start anew and Ken welcomed the silence that filled the room now, relieved beyond anything that he didn't have to listen to it again. The feeling of being suffocated decreased a bit and he was thankfully able to draw at least half a breath into his protesting lungs which proved to be at least enough to keep him from collapsing. He put a steadying hand onto the wall next to him and just stood there for a moment, listening to the silence around him, but then winced badly when a soft voice sounded in the kitchen, only belatedly recognizing that this time it did not belong to Ran but to Yoji.
"Come in, Ken."
He wasn't surprised that much that Yoji had heard him, he would have been a lousy assassin if he hadn't, but his mind shied away from the thought of entering the room where that machine... that voice was. He didn't want to go in there, not now, not ever again, no matter how crazy or ridiculous that would seem to everybody else, but he just couldn't set a foot into that small room.
"Ken?"
Yoji's voice sounded calm, if a little worried, and Ken sighed inwardly before he slowly reached out his hand and, even more slowly, pushed open the door to look inside the room. It was dark, save for the little flickering light of a small candle that was standing on the counter next to Yoji's feet. As usual the older assassin had his long legs stretched comfortably, his feet resting up on the counter while he was balancing on his chair, looking for all the world as if he would keel over backwards as soon as he moved. Now that he had opened the door the smell of cigarettes had become slightly more intense and from the butts that were lying in the ashtray he could tell that Yoji had broken his promise of "no smoking" inside the house. He was sitting with his back towards the kitchen door and apparently staring at the window through which you could see the top branches of a dark tree, holding a bottle of beer in his right hand. The... thing was standing next to Yoji on their kitchen table, the green light blinking innocently as if it was just a harmless answering machine...
Yoji didn't turn to look at him when he opened the door and he stayed in the entrance for a moment, staring at the candle that started to dance excitedly in the sudden draft. He didn't know what to do for a moment and just remained standing there, watching as the shadows moved restlessly across the furniture.
"Can't sleep, hm?"
He shook his head, although Yoji couldn't see him, and remained standing in the doorway, sighing softly. "Seems I'm not the only one who can't get certain things out of his head..." He was surprised at how uncharacteristically tired and broken his voice sounded and Yoji apparently had heard this as well, he shifted slightly and turned his head to look at him over his shoulder, studying him for a moment.
"You look awful, Kenken."
He had obviously meant to say it matter-of-factly, but Ken had actually become quite skilled at reading between Yoji's lines lately. And he had come to be surprised about a lot of things he had found there. Most of all his apparent concern for his and Omi's well-being, had left him feeling kind of surprised and, most of all, thankful and a little bit ashamed. On any other day he would have barked at Yoji for using his nickname, he wasn't particularly fond of it. And on any other day Yoji would have probably used it just to annoy him, but now, at this moment it actually felt comforting, bringing a small smile to his lips. He took a deep breath and sighed softly, studying the blond as well for a moment, before putting on a soft, wry grin. "Look who's talking..."
Yoji made a sound somewhere between an amused chuckle and a tired sigh and turned back to stare at whatever he had been staring at before. Ken watched silently as he reached out to light another cigarette and took a deep drag, then closed his eyes and blew the smoke out slowly, creating tiny rings of smoke that slowly dissolved into thin air, soon disappearing completely. Ken's gaze went back to the answering machine and he stared at it angrily for a moment, before he flexed his shoulders a little and bravely stepped into the kitchen, intending on ignoring the little heap of metal. He entered the room and slowly crossed it until he reached the fridge, leaning against it.
"Why are you doing this, Yotan?" he asked curiously, indicating the answering machine with a nod of his head, belatedly realizing that the other man couldn't see him with his eyes still closed. But Yoji surprised him by turning to look at him, his face partly obscured by the shadows, chuckling dryly. "I don't know, Ken, I just don't know... Guess I'm trying to find the missing link."
He frowned at those words and remained silent for a moment, pondering them. And gave up a few moments later. It was just too late.
"What missing link?"
Yoji sighed softly and shook his head slightly, taking another drag at his cigarette. " Why do you think he called?"
In a way he had been avoiding exactly this question for the last hours, there simply wasn't any answer he could give to himself, or Yoji for that matter. At least none that would sound a little reasonable. The other man didn't seem to have an answer for this as well and Ken shook his head slightly, gazing at his shoes as he grumbled bitterly, "I don't know, maybe he got homesick or something..."
It came out sounding angrier than he actually felt, surprising even himself, and he grimaced as Yoji turned once again towards him, studying him closely. This time Ken didn't need empathic powers to interpret Yoji's worried features and he forced himself to give him a reassuring smile. "Sorry, bad joke, I know..."
Yoji simply waved aside his apology and gestured towards one of the other chairs of the kitchen table. Ken eyed the chair for a moment, and then looked at his watch, deciding to keep him company for a little while. It really didn't matter that much if he went jogging at 3 am in the morning or half past three. He sat down and leaned back comfortably, well, as comfortable as it was possible on those plastic chairs. "Omi is going to kill you, you know that, don't you?"
Yoji frowned at him for a moment, then grinned around his cigarette and mumbled, "I'll come up with something, and maybe I even tell him that I caught you stealing my cigarettes…" He winked at him and flicked some of the ashes into the ashtray next to him. Ken almost opened his mouth to protest, but then decided against it, instead giving Yoji a lopsided grin and slowly crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"Maybe we should all just be lucky that he's still alive, huh?" Sitting this close Ken could finally smell a hint of alcohol on Yoji's breath, not much, but now, as he was looking for it he could actually see a slight flush on his cheeks, but apparently Yoji was still sober enough to talk sense.
"Why am I feeling as if I was attending his funeral then?" His voice cracked on the last words, surprising him, and he drew a shaky breath, burying his head in his hands to avoid having to look at Yoji's worried face.
"I know what you mean... Makes you wonder if it would not have been better… you know… if he hadn't called at all… doesn't it?" Yoji's voice was soft, understanding.
His head shot up at those words and he stared at him with wide eyes, unbelieving. "Yoji!!" He wanted to say something, anything to convince the blond that he was wrong, he was happy Ran was still alive and that he had phoned them. That-
"I guess you're right... I am happy that he's alive, Yoji, I really am, but... it's just… I've got the feeling that we're losing him… again… and we haven't even found him…" His voice was no more but a whisper and he stared at the dancing flame, using all his self-control to keep the tears he could already feel welling up behind his eyes from falling. "He isn't coming back, Yoji? Is he?"
He turned his head and looked right into Yoji's eyes, searching for the truth there, hoping against his own hope that Yoji could… would make everything turn out all right, put his world back together again, give him back the only thing it was worth living for.
The tears came then, pouring down his cheek, tears he had been fighting for more than a year now. Whenever they had threatened to overwhelm him he had always forced them back, telling himself to stop acting like a child and deal with it like a grown-up. He hadn't seen Yoji cry when they were told Ran was most probably dead, he had always, ALWAYS believed that it wasn't true, that he wasn't gone. And he had been right, dammit!
And still he now found himself crying like a teenager over his lost… first love.
His eyes widened in shock as realization hit him with the force of the entire world crushing down on his shoulders. It took his breath away, he found himself staring at Yoji's face in utter shock, barely noticing how the edges of his vision suddenly went all blurry. He needed to get out of there. Fast. Somewhere quiet. Where he could fall apart without anybody noticing.
Yoji just watched as the younger man suddenly all but jumped up from the chair and literally fled from the kitchen, almost knocking the table in the process. Just a second later the door closed behind him with a resounding bang that would surely have their neighbors complain to them the next morning. He didn't care, he just looked back at the small flame, taking a small sip from his bottle, mumbling softly, "I don't know if I want him to come back at all…"
None of them noticed the slim shadow standing next to the stairs, clutching a duster in his left hand…

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Yes, I know, I'm mean!! ;)