Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Downfall of Sin and Guilt ❯ It Scares Me ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: The Weiß-Boy's don't belong to me (what a pity ... I would love to own them *g*). The Song I was inspired by isn't mine either. You should try to listen to it if you can, it's lovely. Comments and Reviews are appreciated, flames too. I'll find some good use for flames, and if it's only as toilette paper. You even may MST my story, just let me know, so I can laugh too. It's imperative to have enough self-esteem so one can laugh at one self, otherwise, end you sorry life here and now.

Contact: Bastard@threelights.net

Warning: lime, Yaoi, Yohji's POV, irony, dark thoughts and self-criticism

Paring: Aya X Yohji

Rating: R / only mild Yaoi elements, but the thoughts going through Yohji's pretty little head are enough to make delicately strung minds confused or even depressed.



It Scares Me
~ Song by Mesh ~

First Fic of the 'Downfall of Sin and Guilt Arc'

The door closes and drowns my room in darkness. How fitting. I hug my pillow closer. My hands shiver. I can't tell if it's anticipation or fear, probably both. Your steps neither falter nor slow down until you reach my bed.

The mattress shifts as you sit down on my bed and start to undress. My throat tightens and a shiver runs through my spine pooling in my lab in hot waves. I do want this, I do.

You pull me 'round, your hand unbearably hot on my shoulder. Your lips close over mine, capturing me just like the first time you did that. And I answer your claim with my surrender. Willing lips open up to your invading tongue. I love your taste, your warmth, something I would never have dreamed of.

Even now it is a miracle to me. Never ever I would have thought you would agree. It's perfect, well almost ... if only ... if only you would open up a little more. Tell me that you need me just as much as I need you and tell me that you'll never let me drown. But I guess that's too much to ask.

Your hands roam over my bare chest. Yes, touch me slow, I need that, need the illusion that you care. Make me feel wanted, sensual, loveable. Spin your net around me, lull my fears and doubts. Your mouth sucks on the tender skin of my throat, leaving a mark, sure, go ahead, mark me as your possession. I couldn't be more happy.

Those elegant white digits crawl over my skin leaving me breathless with every caress. Tugging and squeezing my nipples with brutal tenderness. It's like your fingertips might never let me go. Your mouth follows suit and a merciless tongue attacks my delicate flesh. I can't help but moan, words left me the moment you entered my room.

I lost track of your hands and jerk when they invade my rear. It's just so much like you, I shouldn't be surprised. It isn't the first time and you, as always follow routine. I don't like that. I'm more the romantic cuddly type. But you know and you made it quite clear that you don't care.

But you also know that I'm caught between the magic that you gave to me. I assume that's why you give a shit about my feelings. There is that stupid proverb about the bird in hand. I guess it fits. One gets what one deserves.

A stabbing pain stops my train of thoughts. So you dropped foreplay and got on to the actual action. I brace myself against the headboard of my bed to make it easier for you, and less painful for me. I'm not going to object to the treatment, how could I. I agreed once, I can't go back on my word. It's about honour, but mostly about my feelings for you and the fear that you might leave me.

Because it scares me. I'm scared of being alone ... I need someone to keep me from falling. From loosing myself.

You start to fuck me in earnest and slowly the pain lessens and pleasure takes over. I just close my eyes and pretend. Pretend that you need me as much I need you. That you care as I do. That you love me, too. It's so easy, especially with some practise. My hand wanders to my waking arousal and I try to catch up with you, so at least we'll be united in our climax.

I know I'm pathetic in my despair, but who cares. I don't. I empty my mind and drown in your moans, your hisses and at last in your scream. I follow, as I would follow you everywhere.

You break down on top of me. Your exhaustion gives me the chance to bask in the afterglow for a little. Although your weight is crushing me I revel in the feeling of you inside me. Being so close to you, warming in your presence. You make me feel whole, something I haven't felt for a long time, not since she's dead, since I killed her. Which brings a bitter taste back into my mouth. Right, you get what you deserve.

After a while you stir again. I sigh. I know what happens now. You sit up, dress and leave. You go back to your own bed. Fair enough, after all, your bed is empty, cold and narrow as a bunk. Why stay with the guy you just fucked and his king-size-bed, satin sheets and comforter.

The door falls shut and I turn to stare at the ceiling.

The shrill tone of the alarm wakes me from yet another nightmare. I can't remember exactly what they are about, but the fear in my breast tells me that I don't really want to know.

Sitting up hurts, well deal with it. I get up and ready for work. No point in being late, you will only bitch around even more. A cup of coffee and two cigarettes for break fast and I'm ready to take on today.

When I enter the shop you are already there. You don't ever look up. I take the list of orders from the fax-machine and sort through them to see which are to be delivered today, then I set to work.

My gaze wanders to your aristocratic profile. The scarlet ear-bangs half obscuring your face, those violet depth you have for eyes. Would it help to talk to you? No, it was talking to you that brought me to this point, admitting in a weak moment that I lust for you. That I want to be with you. That I want to be yours ... to belong somewhere again. Your agreement had taken me by surprise, just as you did take me.

"Stop staring at me, Kudo!" Your voice is cold and the tone harsh. Right, I'm not supposed to show my feelings. But there is no-one around to see, so why bother. But obedient I avert my eyes. My mouth twitches. I want to tell you to be nice. I just want to be loved, really loved again. Is it so hard to understand. You can't be that cold Aya, I know you aren't that cold. I hope I'm right.

"Aya ...!" These word leave my mouth before I can stop myself.

"Don't!" You don't even care to look at me. "I don't care, we have an agreement, Kudo!"

Stop this war, Aya, please. Can't you see that I need you. Can't you see that I'm sincere? You are lonely, too, admit it ... You need warmth, too, everyone does. Even the almighty Ice-prince. I'm willing to give you everything you ask for ... just give me a little bit back.

I must have said it aloud, because suddenly you are right in front of me. Your eyes are cold as always when you punch me. I just double over and fight to breath. The bouquet I was working on falls to the floor and the vase shatters into thousand pieces of glittering glass.

"Clean the mess up!" is all you say while you leave for the storage-room. I wish we could leave things at the door. Why can't you accept my feelings as you accepted my body. Do you fear that you'll die if you show your feelings. You don't, you just die of not showing them, as I'm dying.

After I regain my breath I start to pick up the shards of glass. Sure as hell I cut myself, no wonder with my head thinking of you all the time. I wish I could stop loving you, stop loving altogether, but these feelings don't wash away. Not like the blood from my hands, from the floor or the blade you carry. When did I become such a wuss? Why do I let you treat me like that? I don't know for certain, but I don't really care either.

I wish there was more to me, probably you would return my feelings then. Am I not worth your love. If I would fight, if I would tell you that I don't like the way it goes, would you have more to say to me. If I would put up a fight next time you come to fuck me, would I be more worthy of your affection, would you have a reason more to stay?

I can't bring myself to believe that. You would just turn and walk away. If I hadn't been so co-operative in the beginning it might work, but you know already.

I told you that I'm caught in between the magic that you gave me and the fear that you might leave. That was a stupid thing to do, but I'm always honest. I don't really see the point in lying. Now I'm trapped. By you and the chains I put on myself. I don't want to be free again. I don't want to be lonely again, being eaten up by my nightmares. Now I can't remember them ... that's your doing.

I don't have the courage to break free, because it scares me. I'm afraid of you, of the power I've given you over me. Afraid that you could break my heart again so easily. I wouldn't survive another heart-break. Even I can only take that much.

Aya, I beg you, don't let us fall apart

You come back into the shop as if nothing had happened. I shiver, because it scares me, too. Since our mockery of a relationship started you've even become colder. Why is that? Could it be that you know that you could break my heart again so easily? Then why are you so cruel? My eyes beg you, don't let us fall apart

I totally forgot about this fucking mission. I forget a lot these days. I can't concentrate properly, can't focus even if my life depends on it, and the problem is, it does.

Alright Kudo, focus ... walk down the hall and make sure it is clear. Easy enough, normally it would ... but in my trancy state of mind, it isn't. I didn't see him until it's to late. I stare down the barrel of a gun. Fucking great. I'm done for. There is nothing left to do, not with a gun pointed at your head but surrender. I actually become quite good at giving up.

I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable to come, but it doesn't. Instead a black angel of doom appears out of nowhere and slashes the gunner in two halves. Blood splatters everywhere, onto the walls, the floor, the ceiling, my face. I stare blankly at your face, the face of a cold-blooded demon, with a heart of ice and mind of steel.

"You fucking Idiot!" You hiss and clean your blade on the edge of the dead man's coat.

I still stand and stare. Did you just save my sorry ass?

"If you want to die, go ahead but don't endanger the mission!" Your eyes are oh so cold. What was I thinking, that you care for me. Stop dreaming Kudo, this is Aya you are speaking of. Yes, run me through. I deserve it. I endanger our precious mission. How can I dare to die whilst working. That's what our day off is for.

Still dumbfounded I stare. Snap out of it. But that is something you help me with. Your kiss takes me unaware and I lean into it automatically. My hands run through your hair, pulling your head closer. It's so like you, to make me feel like shit, then pick me up and do something I didn't expect.

You end the kiss abruptly. It's not the time, nor the place for romance. You are right as always.

"Go back to Point B and stay on guard, I'll do the job" It's like I just imagined the kiss, your hands around my waist. Have you no heart. I want to say something, something like 'thanks' or 'I love you' just something, even your name would do, but you are already down the corridor.

Yes Aya, cut me then run away. From whom are you running, me or yourself? Why don't you let me be what I want most to be. You lover, your soul-mate, your friend. Don't you see that you need me just as much as I need you? Can't you see that we are both rushing headlong into destruction?

If only you could see. I wish that there was more to this. Not just the abuse of feelings. I'd bet my ass that you, secretly; long to feel save, too. You can't lie to me, not even by saying nothing. It can't just be lust that brings you into my room night after night, not just flesh to kiss, to caress, to bruise, to abuse.

Don't you think that I want your flesh to kiss, to caress, to cherish. I want all of you ... and I know I'll never get it. That's why I take what you give. I don't like this all-or-nothing-stuff. Probably it's a funny thing to say, but there is not only black and white. There is a lot of grey.

But you know, I think, and you fear it, because it doesn't fit into your view of the world. It's something you can't comprehend. You've made yourself into a living walking dead, bottled up your feelings. Deprived yourself of the right to feel. Does it scare you that I'm caught in between the magic that you gave to me. Do you fear that you'll be caught, too, if you let me love you?

If it's so, then everything I'll do is forlorn. I can't win this game we play. But I'm also caught in-between that realisation and the fear that you might leave. And I can't break free, because it scares me that if I let go I'll loose, that I miss the only chance I have to win you over.

Couldn't it be, that you don't let me love you, because you know that you can break my heart so easily? Do you think it is saver to keep me at distance. Can't you see that it makes things even worse? Don't you now that being so cruel breaks my heart? Please Aya, don't let us fall apart.

But guess what. It's too late ... and we both know it, we just keep on playing until one of us dies ... and this time, I'm taking the lead. It's my day off tomorrow, anyways.