Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstacy ❯ One-Shot

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Fumbling Towards Ecstacy

By: MiniMorr
Pairing: Yohji & Schuldig
Rating/Warning: R/NC-17. Lemon (which I hope was "artistic" enough to pass the R-rating? If not, I'll take it down again, just let me know). Angst. OOC, but I wanted them to be vulnerable to each other. They're both nervous about this, and doesn't really know how to react. And I just keep on making excuses, sorry…
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, I know. The song "Fumbling Towards Ecstacy" is beautifully sung by Sarah McLachlan. It struck me as "their" song when I listened to it and found the lyrics. This is also my first songfic, so be gentle, okay? Please don't sue, I mean no harm and I'm more than broke… *extremely poor student*
Dedication: To Pandora, for loving the Schu & Yohji angst as much as I do. She wanted something lime-ish and a bit angsty if I remember correctly. Consider this my "homecoming gift" for you, T. I hope you like it! *hugs*

Add. Notes: This can be seen as the prequel to Need, about the guys' first time together… Or it can be seen as another stand alone - it's up to you. I've done my best to try and capture the same mood and setting as in Need, but I'm not sure I managed. Oh well, some things aren't meant to be, I guess… ;)

My most heartfelt thanks goes to Ericedwyn for help with words and phrases!*****
Key:
~Lyrics~;
/Thoughts/;
//Telepathic speech//;
~*Flashback*~;
***scene change***
*****

~All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath~

Yohji watched with heavily lidded eyes as Schuldig closed in on him, red hair hanging in unruly bangs into eyes that were as green as his own. He didn't move at all, merely continued to watch as the German came to a halt in front of him, jade eyes still hidden by flame coloured hair. He was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, long legs dangling over the edge, feet firmly planted on the floor. His knees were set a little apart, wide enough for a body to fit in between them and he extended his hand slowly towards the other man. Schuldig seemed on the verge of bolting, and Yohji was surprised and perhaps a little disappointed that he even stayed out of his mind. He somehow missed the soothing tingle in the back of his head, the one that left goosebumps on his skin with its intimacy.

They had met earlier that night outside the club where they had first bumped into each other. The silence between them had been deafening as they had stared at the other, in a way with new eyes, noticing things they had never noticed before. Schuldig had flinched when Yohji had reached for his hand, and the blond had in turn had to force himself not to shake as he led them to the hotel. The location would not have been one of their choice had they had any chance to avoid it, but the safe houses were out of the question. Their mutual trust didn't go beyond the attraction they undeniably felt towards each other, and neither was sure that they could survive the wrath of their teams should they find out. And, Yohji kept on thinking, the things it had implied had they decided to go to one of their apartments… He wasn't ready to do that, perhaps not ever. He had always been the one to follow his dates home, had never wanted his privacy invaded by a stranger. And had never wanted to replace the memory of Asuka in his bed…

He drew a deep breath in anticipation as he reached out for Schuldig again. His heart was pounding in his chest as he looked up and into solemn green orbs, as mysterious and nervous as he knew his own had to be. He ached for those eyes to see him, ached deep inside for them to open up to him, to let him in. It was almost a physical feeling, a churning in his heart as he stared at the redhead. He wanted to drown in them, wanted to be held…

He drew another deep breath as he felt the German's hand brush against his own, their fingers twining together and he pulled the redhead closer, all the while keeping his gaze locked with Schuldig's. His other hand found itself around the firm waist, guiding the other man to step in between his black clad thighs.

Schuldig reached out with his other hand, brushing against his cheek and leaving a tingling, almost burning, sensation behind. His eyes fluttered closed and he couldn't keep back a low moan as the fingers continued out into his hair, pulling it out of the ponytail. Long digits sifted through the honey coloured strands, untangling them and leaving spun gold in their wake. Yohji leaned into them for another moment before opening his eyes again, finding jade orbs boring into him. There was no malicious edge to them tonight, only the same sorrow and longing as he knew had to be apparent in his own. They had agreed on meeting here tonight, had agreed to try and get this obsession out of their systems so that they could go back to their normal hunting grounds and continue to be the nocturnal creatures they had been born as.

The hand in his hair returned to his cheek, gliding down to cup his chin and tilt his face upwards in a gentle gesture.

"Are you sure?" The words were the first ones uttered this night, the first ones to break their precious silence. He swallowed nervously, staring deep into the eyes that were so much like his own, and at the same time not. He saw himself mirrored in them, saw all that he desired reflected there.

"Yes…"

~And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love~

Yohji moaned quietly into the kiss, his hands running up and down a muscled chest, exploring the hard planes that were so different from any woman's. Schuldig's fingers tangled in his hair, a talented tongue battling with his own and he found himself drowning in the taste yet again; cigarettes and beer, honey and spices…

Having already shed their shirts, they made short work of their pants, almost identical black leather for clubbing. Both had decided to treat this as any normal night to keep their teammates off their backs as they took a risk that neither of them could have ever imagined themselves to take before.

There came that awkward moment again, when naked skin met naked skin and eyes avoided each other. Then a red head bent down to place a light kiss on a golden shoulder, long fingers once more tangling in golden hair as Yohji's head was slowly bent backwards in a gentle motion. Kisses were placed along his collarbone, up to his throat before pausing. Emerald eyes opened again, blinking in confusion as the sensations disappeared.

He cupped Schuldig's face gently in his hand, his thumb brushing over quivering lips as jade eyes met his own shyly. For the first time ever, he saw the man Schuldig could have been, not the assassin, not the telepath, not the ancient soul trapped in a young man's body… In a way Yohji wanted to comfort him, to show him that they were both beginners to this game, that they could do nothing wrong. His heart reached out for the one still buried beneath all the darkness in Schuldig's soul, not really offering anything but his understanding, and in a way, a relief from the demons plaguing them. It was the only thing he could do - and the only thing Schuldig would accept.

He leaned forward, lips brushing in a silent invitation that didn't fail to provoke the same tingle as the first time they had met. He more felt than saw Schuldig's eyes close and he deepened the kiss, tongue gently coaxing pliant lips open again.

~Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought~

~*They stared at each other, neither of them moving from the spot on the dance floor. Yohji had been backing up against the German without knowing it, and when they had bumped into each other they had both turned, surprise clearly written over their faces. For another moment, they had stared at each other before another man had bumped into Schuldig, sending him tumbling into Yohji's arms. The blond had caught him out of pure instinct and surprise, steadying him in arms that were suddenly weak. The flame coloured hair had fallen back to reveal green eyes that were set in a narrow face, eyes that were wide with astonishment and so close to his own…

The German's warm breath had flickered against his chin for a tantalizing moment before he straightened up again, eyes still regarding the white hunter warily. He had always been able to appreciate the beauty of another human being, men and women both, and in a way he guessed that Schuldig could be considered that. Yohji wasn't sure how to react to the closeness of their bodies, his own suddenly responding in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that it was an enemy he held in his arms, and for another split second the thought of brushing his lips against Schuldig's entered his mind. Then a tingle in the back of his head had alerted him that Schuldig was trying to read his mind, and he had let go of the man in disgust, shoving him away and sending him stumbling backwards before turning on his heel to leave.

***

They had bumped into each other on a mission next, both trying to avoid the guards swarming all over the place. Yohji had literally run into him as they had both had turned around a corner. Staggering back for a moment, the assassins had stared at each other before Schuldig had grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into a deserted niche, cloaking them both with his powers. The blond would later learn that it was easier when he stayed in the same place to mask himself from prying eyes.

They had been pressed up against each other for no longer than a few moments, Yohji's heart racing madly in his chest as they had watched the guards pass them without a second glance. Schuldig's hand was on his hip, fingers barely slipping in under his shirt to brush against his skin, leaving burning imprints behind. As soon as the guards had left, he had broken free from the embrace, alternating between glaring and blushing at the way he had been held. Schuldig had just given him a mocking bow before disappearing again, leaving Yohji alone to deal with what had just happened. He scowled at the green blazer that vanished in the darkness of the hallway before turning on his heel again, absolutely certain that the telepath was toying with his mind.
But that didn't explain why his skin was still tingling where the German had touched him.*~

~And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love~

There was no conscious thought to him as he slowly kissed his way down Schuldig's chest, only a need to feel the muscles quiver under his lips, to feel the hands buried in his hair, soothing away any discomfort he might have felt. Soft moans reached his ears as he skimmed his hands over pale thighs, deliberately keeping them from where Schuldig wanted them the most. Instead, he moved upwards again, gliding up over the sweat slicked body to engage the redhead in another kiss. It was more heated than the others, fueled by the need and the hunger inside that was slowly driving him insane.

Schuldig met him eagerly and soft noises, almost like whimpers, broke the heavy silence between them. The redhead searched desperately for more friction, pressing himself up against Yohji, whose fingers slid down between them to curl around his burning length. A mewling sound escaped him as he blindly reached out with his mind, slipping into the white hunter's like a snake into water, delving deeper and deeper inside. Yohji shuddered at the contact, feeling both what happened to Schuldig and himself; felt the other man's need, hunger and lust echoing his own, matching it stride by stride.

The redhead's hand skimmed down Yohji's side, fingers tracing the muscles and the scars, exploring them in a teasing way. Yohji's head fell back against the pillows as they reached his hip, slowly tracing the bone. He more felt than saw how Schuldig shifted, his warm breath leaving goosebumps in its wake. A pause followed as the German adjusted himself, warm breath flickering over Yohji's hip and thigh, and he moaned in anticipation as he realized what was going to happen.

//Are you sure?// He didn't know if Schuldig could hear him through the haze of lust, but the German stopped, his breath flickering over the weeping head of his erection and Yohji shuddered again. A part of him felt revulsion at the thought, but it died down again as Schuldig's burning eyes met his own.

//You… You don't want me to?// The 'voice' was laced with confusion, and the look in the redhead's eyes changed to a vulnerable expression again, another glimpse of the real man underneath. Yohji didn't know what to say, how to explain what he felt. He wasn't even sure himself what he did feel, or how he would react had it been Schuldig who had wanted him to do something like that. He settled for something in between.

//Only… Only if you want to…// He waited for Schuldig to make a rude comment, something to take the edge of the tension, but the redhead merely looked at him for another moment, jade eyes once again spearing so deep into him that he was sure his very soul had been pierced.

Then his eyes slid down Yohji's body again, taking in the quivering muscles and the fine sheen of sweat over the golden skin, glistening in the dim light from the window. His head dipped down, tongue flickering out, lapping carefully at the clear fluid.

Yohji's fingers tangled themselves in the long hair as he fell back against the grey pillow, eyes closed and biting his lip to keep the moan inside. He felt the strands whisking over his thighs and hips, adding to the burning sensations. //Schuldig…// It was a mindless plea for the German to stop as he felt the familiar heat coiling in the pit of his stomach; he suddenly felt ill again, an almost-nausea rising in the back of his throat.

The redhead licked his lips slowly as he raised his gaze to meet Yohji's, concern and anger warred with uncertainty and the vulnerable and guarded expression had returned to his eyes. The blond's hand slipped out from the red hair to cup Schuldig's cheek again, and a faint blush rose on Yohji's own as his thumb brushed over glistening lips. //I… I don't know if I can…// The blush deepened, and as Schuldig caught the rest of the mindless admonission he felt heat rise on his own face again.

//You don't have to…// He dipped back down again and Yohji's head fell back against the pillow again, golden hair clinging to his face and neck, fanning out over the grey cloth. The heat coiled inside him again and this time he didn't do anything to stop the redhead. The only sound in the still air was his soft keening cry and harsh breathing.

The soft red hair whisked over his hip again, and he opened his eyes to watch as Schuldig once again licked his lips, a strange expression of confusion and wonder on his face. His mouth slowly curled into a soft smile, so unlike his usual smirk that it made Yohji's heart skip a beat. He moved up over the white hunter's body again, and Yohji met him halfway in a searing kiss. He tasted himself and Schuldig, the salty tinge and the honey from before, and instead of feeling nauseated he felt his own lips curl into a sated smile. He had tasted himself before, from women performing the very same act on him, but there was something else when it had been Schuldig… Something so much deeper, something he wasn't sure he wanted to know anything about.

He was roused from his thoughts again as the German reached for his discarded shirt on the floor, fishing around in the pockets, suddenly swearing out loud. "Schuldig?"

"No lube," came the gruff reply and Yojhi fell back against the pillows again, one arm slung over his face as he quietly began to laugh, somewhat relieved. He wasn't sure that he could have gone through that part of the act, even if he had been the one to press the matter. The silence lasted for another moment before Schuldig snorted and dropped down beside the blond, embarrassment mingling with anger and amusement. Yohji cracked one eye open, his lips still twitching in mirth.

"How could you forget something like that?" The voice was teasing, but the green eyes were serious enough.

"Crawford," came the annoyed reply, "the bastard just kept on whining before I left… Didn't remember to take it with me…"

"Crawford?" Yohji tensed up, ready for a fight. His watch was on the nightstand beside him, but this close up he wasn't a match for the telepath. Schuldig could probably take him down without breaking a sweat if he had to. /Does he know?/

"If he did… Do you think you would still be alive?" Green eyes met his own, clear and devoid of any lie. Yohji didn't know if he trusted the German or not, but something deep inside told him to. He didn't even tell the telepath to stay out of his head; in a way, things had progressed too far for that now.

"No, I guess I wouldn't … Now what?" His eyes pinned Schuldig in place, the piercing gaze causing a shudder to run down the telepath's back and a warmth to spread inside him. He didn't reply, instead he leaned forward and placed a searching kiss on Yohji's lips, coaxing them open again. The blond moaned, rolling over to keep the redhead in place, his questing fingers teasing their way down burning skin.

Schuldig couldn't stop himself from slipping deeper inside of Yohji's mind; entwining himself with the blond's consciousness, diving into his very soul. What happened to his body was secondary to the emotions he was wrapped in; the red haze of lust, the clear green and the flashes of pure white that blinded him with its strength. It was a warm feeling, something that drew him towards it, a trust that he knew he didn't deserve.

He slowly came back to reality again, carefully untangling himself from the white hunter's mind. Yohji's fingers were wrapped around him again, moving with a purpose, and Schuldig's head fell back on the pillows again as the heat rose inside, burning its way out. He locked his gaze with Yohji's for a split second before his eyelids fell closed and his mind returned to the other man's again, burrowing himself deep inside.

A shudder wrecked his body as he released himself into Yohji's hand, the tendons in his neck snapped taut and he drew a deep trembling breath as he pulled out of the blond's mind again. What he had seen there… What had been revealed to him at that precise moment… Kirei, Yohji's mind had whispered, and for the first time in his life, he was.

~Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort~

~*The third time had been when Yohji was on his way home from a date, crossing the park. Schuldig had been standing there under a tree, eyes shadowed and haunted and had turned to him just as he spotted the German. They had been staring at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither of them speaking, just silently drowning in the other.

Yohji didn't know what possessed him to step up towards the redhead, if it was the dead look in Schuldig's eyes, or if it was just the simple curiousity as to what he was doing there. As many times as he had crossed that particular tree, he had never seen his adversary there before.

Then Schuldig had reached out with a hand in a gesture not meant to be threatening, as if he offered something. Yohji had not known what to do at first, hadn't known how to react, but his body had made the decision for him.

He had leaned forward, grasping Schuldig's hand in his own and pulled the redhead towards him, noticing how perfectly they molded against each other. The German had still to speak, had still to say something else than the silent plea in his eyes; the open windows to his soul. Yohji had pressed against him, one arm sneaking around the narrow waist on its own, the other bringing their now entwined fingers high above their heads to rest against the rough surface of the tree.

And then Schuldig had tipped forward, eyes half-closed, with a vulnerable expression on his face. Yohji had found himself drowning in the green depths, had found his heart beating madly in his chest and had felt the matching 'thu-thud' of the heart belonging to the man pressed against him.

He didn't know who had taken the initiative, but lips had brushed against each other; lightly at first, barely touching, but the raw electricity sparkling between them had ignited a thousand tiny flames and they had pressed more firmly in to each other. Lips had been coaxed open, and again neither of them was sure who took that step, but soon they didn't care. All that mattered was the feeling of skin against skin, the taste of the foreign spices, the bodies pressed together…*~

~And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love…~

"Now what?" Yohji asked quietly as he pulled Schuldig closer again. The German leaned his head on Yohji's chest, the red hair whisking over them both. His eyes were closed, and the only thing he could concentrate on was breathing; inhaling the blond's scent in deep breaths. Dawn was approaching fast, the night gone in an exploration of bodies, pleasure mingling with sadness and curiousity. They were both damp with sweat, tired and warm; sated. He didn't know what had happened, didn't know how to react to the tingle that ran through him whenever they touched. His heart was beating madly in his chest again with fear and longing but he would never admit it to anyone, least of all to the man who had awakened these feelings inside him. But still, he couldn't force himself into the usual mask of mockery, not when he could feel Yohji's heart beat in a steady rythm in his chest, right under his cheek.

"What do you mean?" His voice was quiet, so unlike his usual self that it made Yohji raise his head to look at him. The blond frowned for a moment.

"I mean… What happens now. What do we do now? Where are we now?" Yohji brushed back the red strands that were plastered against Schuldig's cheek, cupping it to make the German look at him. Schuldig raised his gaze slowly, uncertainty still lingering in the jade depths.

"We go back to be enemies… What other choice do we have?" He thought he could keep the bitterness out of his voice, but the concerned green eyes caught the lie easily. The blond sighed as he pressed closer again, his swollen lips seeking Schuldig's. The redhead made another sound of protest, but Yohji persisted. If this was the only time they would be together he wanted something to remember, something he could carry with him for the days and nights to come.

He had hoped that this obsession, this insane hunger inside would be sated by now, but the flames were still burning in his chest; making his heart skip another beat. He didn't care about what he had just done - that he, for the first time in his life, had slept with a man. And not any man at that; but Schuldig, his sworn enemy. It didn't matter to him now, all that mattered was the fact that the churning inside of him hadn't disappeared; wouldn't disappear.

The German broke the kiss, pressing his face wordlessly into Yohji's cheek instead. He was trembling badly for a moment before he drew a deep breath, pulling away and out of the blond's embrace. He had to leave before he did something he would regret.

"Where are you going?" Yohji's voice was quiet, and he grabbed the redhead's wrist. Schuldig froze, his heart beating wildly inside his chest. He didn't turn around to meet Yohji's gaze, but shrugged.

"Away. Back home. This… This can't be…" Rising from the bed, he reached for his clothes. He dressed hurriedly, never looking back at Yohji who was still sitting in the bed with the sheets halfway up over his hips, a pained expression on his face. One that screamed of abandonment and hurt, of anger and betrayal.

"Don't leave… I… I don't want to be alone…" Yohji's voice was barely more than a whisper, and something was ripped apart inside of him. He could feel the white hunter's pain, his fear of being abandoned again and the resentment for falling asleep alone. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, and his head fell backwards for a moment, the flame coloured hair cascading down his back. He didn't want to see the anguish in Yohji's eyes, it was enough for him to feel it through the lingering connection with his mind, but he couldn't keep himself from turning around. He bit down on his lip to keep himself from admitting how much he wanted to stay, how much he wanted to strengthen the threads spun between them. Yohji's mind was a haven to him now; something had happened during the time they had spent together, had touched and tasted what the other had to offer…

"This was an experiment, we agreed on that…" He tried to put a mocking expression on his face, tried to harden it into his usual smirking appearance but as he met Yohji's green eyes, he faltered. He wasn't sure what was reflected in his own, in a way he didn't care. Yohji had already seen him, had already seen a part of his soul that he believed to never have existed. Had found him beautiful in a way no one had ever done before…

As he walked out the door, Yohji's voice came quietly from behind, "No, this can never be …"

~I won't fear love…
I won't fear love…~

*****

So, T, was it angsty and lime-ish enough for you? *grin*

Like?

Dislike?

Let me know… You've got that little button down there that say "review". Use it, please?

I've tried to capture the early obsession between them - not love, not lust, but the need for them to be together, and to not treat each other badly, hence all those "Are you sure?". Sorry if someone feels that's too OOC (which it is), but it had to be done, the muse refused to do anything else so it ended up sappy and sweet and rather pointless, perhaps?

Again, the muse took advantage of me. I'm blaming him. This song can also be interpreted in many different ways, as songs usually can be, and this is my way of seeing it.

Updates/Upcoming fics:
Shadows of Light - chapter 1 done, still waiting for the beta. Chapter 2 in the works.
Catfight - still working on it. So far 10+ pages of smut… O.o Rewriting a bit to get rid of the spoilers for SoL.
Blood-timeline - still work in progress. Next up in that arc is "Fear" and "Rage" and the missing pieces between them.
Blood Tears - vampire AU that's bugging the hell out of me. Surprise pairings…
Several one shots in the making again - Aya & Crawford, Schuldig & Yohji… Not going to say so much more than that. ;)
I'm not sure which one I want to continue first, so bug me. :)

Important notice:
On August 20 I'm leaving for school. I don't know how things will go with writing until I'm settled in at the place. If you want to contact me, please remember that I might not be able to reply until the weekend, depending on whether or not I'll have access to the Net there. *twitches*