Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Love You More ❯ I'm So Tired ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Song: 'I'm So Tired' by the Beatles. Also an excerpt from the Beatles song 'In My Life.'

A/N: I took one minor liberty with the song 'I'm So Tired.' In the second to last line, I changed the name 'Sir Walter Raleigh' to 'Reji Takatori' to make it fit the story better. Why would Yohji give a damn about Sir Walter Raleigh anyway?


Part II: I'm So Tired


Hm. "A four letter word that means 'adorable'."

Um…A-Y-A-N…

No, it has to end in 'e'….

…d'oh!

This isn't working.

Scratch crossword puzzles off the list. I'm running out of effective distractions.

What time is it anyway?

4:30? Aw crap. I'll never make it through my shift tomorrow.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink,
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink.

There's gotta be something I can do to fall asleep. Read? Maybe Omi can lend me one of his school books. Under normal conditions, that would send me to snoozeville in ten seconds flat.

But normal circumstances this is not. I doubt my mind could stay focused long enough to read even a sentence. You have to be able to actually read the book in order for it to bore you to sleep. My mind's only capable of focusing on one topic right now. The one topic I want to avoid like yellow fever.

I wonder should I get up, and fix myself a drink?
No, no, no.

It's so tempting to reach for the booze. When it comes to sleepless nights, whiskey is my favorite companion. I'd have never made it through the aftermath of some of those missions without it.

But no longer. I'm swearing the stuff off. Yep, you heard that right. Yohji and the booze must go their separate ways. Down the bathroom sink being the way of the booze.

Shocked?

Out of character, I admit.

But it must be so.

The merest hint at inebriation is a thought that makes me cringe. My stomach turns just looking at a bottle. I may never drink again.

What, you may ask, could possibly cause such a striking change in caliber?

Well, for one, it's the damn booze's fault I can't sleep. At all. Almost a month without a single restful night. I'll fall asleep while standing at the register, but the second I hit my bed, I'm wide awake. My mind racing a mile a minute. Replaying that moment over and over again. That horrible moment whose awfulness rests precisely on the fact that I enjoyed it so fucking much.

Who knew such consequences lay in that simple drunken mistake?

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do.
I'm so tired, my mind is set on you.

I can pretend it happened because I was thinking of Asuka. But I knew it was Aya when I kissed him. It's just…I felt so lonely, I was drowning. Aya was just the first person to come along. All it took was the slightest acknowledgement that he cared (he might deny it, but I know he had to search all over the city to find my drunken ass that night,) and I clung to him like a life preserver. It could have been anyone. I just wanted a moment of escape. I never expected that moment to haunt me like this.

Would I be haunted if someone else had found me that night?
If Ken had come? Manx? Anyone but Aya?

I don't think so.

No, there's something special about Aya that I never noticed before kissing him. Or maybe it wasn't the kiss. Maybe it was simply him coming for me. The last person I'd ever expect to care showing concern. It made me feel good. Well, as good as I could feel considering how drunk and depressed I was. Surprisingly good considering it was Asuka I was depressed over. I never thought anything could take the edge off my pain for Asuka.

Ever since, all I can think about is how I want more. I want to see more of that side of Aya. I want to be the one who brings it out in him. Fuck, the more I dwell on it, the more I realize that I want to be with Aya. Me and Aya? Who'd have guessed? I sure didn't see THAT one coming.

I wonder should I call you, but I know what you'd do.
You'd say, I'm putting you on.
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm.

And here Yohji Kudoh has once again screwed himself over. Am I just drawn to things that guarantee my misery? Because being attracted to Aya sure is a good place to start. Is it even possible to have a more hopeless infatuation? I bet my odds would be better with that Shwartz dude with the stick up his ass (oh god, I can't believe I even let myself think that. EW.) With Aya, I haven't a sliver of a chance. Oh no, he made that quite clear when he broke my nose. There's no point in even trying to pursue this. Nothing good will come of it. All I can do is sit here in my room and loose my mind.

You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain.
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane.

Would my feelings for Aya have still been this hopeless if I'd realized them sooner? Would I have had a chance if I'd slowly pursued him in a sober state? Or was this just a doomed mission regardless of my path of action? Not that it matters. I've already royally screwed any chances, existent or not.

Damn, damn, damn that fucking booze. And damn my mind for dwelling on all the lost possibilities.

You know I'd give you everything I've got,
For a little peace of mind.

I wonder if Aya's completely opposed to getting close to someone, or if it's just me. It's probably me. I've seen how he acts around Ken. I'm sure he wouldn't have punched Ken in the face. I bet he would have blushed and given the slightest hint of a shy smile. I can see it perfectly. He's never smiled at me before. Ken and Omi, yes, but not me. Whenever I try to make him smile, I just inadvertently piss him off. It seems like everything I do pisses him off.

I bet he hates me.

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset.
Although I'm so tired,
I'll have another cigarette.

I keep trying to picture him pissed off and yelling at me. I hate being yelled at. You'd think that would help cure the attraction. It's just not working, though. I try to picture him mad, but all I can see is the profound sadness in his eyes. I'd never noticed before, but all that anger must be a screen to mask just how sad he is. I'm so fucking self-absorbed to not have seen it before. I want to kill the man who put that there.

And curse Reji Takatori.
He was such a stupid git.

Maybe I should get a dart board. Heh. I could tire myself out by throwing darts at a picture of Takatori every night. Oh dear god. I've gotten so obsessed with Aya that I'm even starting to think like him. This can't be healthy.

It's 5 am now. That gives me a whoppin' four hours before my alarm goes off. Christ, I'm so fucking tired!

I need to do something, and the liquor's off limits.

Hmm, I think I remember someone telling me once that warm milk helps?
I can't say I'm much a fan of milk, but I'm ready to try anything.

Aw geeze, it's freezing out here in the hallway. I'm more awake than ever. I wish I owned warmer pajamas (an article, I admit, to having never bought with practicality ::cough:: in mind.) I step back in my room to pull the blanket off my bed and wrap it around my shoulders. Heh, reminds me of when I was a kid.

Halfway down the stairs, I notice that something's not quite right.
The kitchen light is already on?

No one should be up except for me. Maybe Ken forgot to turn it off last night?

A peek through the door establishes that someone is indeed up; a red-headed someone. I audibly choke.

Well. There goes any hope for shut-eye tonight.

I should leave. Right now. I should turn around and backtrack before he turns around and makes eye contact. One look from him and I'll fall apart.
Curse you feet, why won't you move?!

He's not acknowledging my presence, though. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or crushed. Not that there's anything extraordinarily shocking in being ignored by Aya, but still. A guy can hope, huh?

He seems preoccupied with something. Something on the table?

A bottle.

Aya's staring at a bottle on the table.

The light blue frosted glass reveals it's sake, no need to read the label.
Aya has sake?

And he's giving it a first rate death glare.

I get the vibe that he's locked in some sort of deadly battle of wits with the thing.
Um, okay. Just a tad creepy.
Well, it's kinda funny, also. Aya looks like a pissed off cat eyeing a mouse hole.
A Kodak moment, if I ever saw one.

"Um….Aya?"

He flinches slightly at the sound of my voice, but says nothing.

"Hey Aya, If you're having a staring contest, I think the bottle's gonna win."

"Go away." Oh, that two such simple words could sound so cruel.

"I won't go away until you tell me what's going on."

He closes his eyes and sighs.

"I'm trying to get drunk. Now go away."

Aya wants to get drunk? That makes no sense; Aya's a certified control freak. 'Drunk' and 'control' just don't jive. What's the deal?

"It might help if you drank it, instead of just glaring at the bottle."

"I did drink it." Aya states, grumpily. "The bottle's empty."

Ah. So it is. "Then what's the problem?"

"I don't have another bottle. I thought one would be enough."

"I see. Well I'd offer to help you out, except all my booze got poured down the sink three hours ago."

Aya just snorts.

"If you want to go the one-bottle route, you should pick something with a bit more kick than sake. Try vodka next time."

"Makes me gag."

Ah. Well, I'm hardly shocked. It's difficult enough for me to picture Aya knocking back the sake, let alone shots of vodka. It's just not him. Wait. How do I know that's not him? Up to three weeks ago, I completely ignored the guy. For all I know, Aya could be some sort of raging closet alcoholic. Fuck, that's depressing.

I hold my breath while I gather up the nerve to approach Aya. I pull a chair back and cautiously sit down at the table. Aya just maintains his eye contact with the bottle. He doesn't even blink.

"Aya?" I ask, quieter than before.

Silence.

"Aya? Would you mind telling me just why you want to get drunk?"

"Mm, no. I'd rather not."

"It's not like you. I'm going to worry if you don't tell me."

"Get drunk too, and then it won't bother you."

"Woah-woah-woah. Now I know something is seriously wrong. You hate when I drink."

He just shrugs.

I'm starting to notice the dark circles under Aya's eyes. It looks like he hasn't been sleeping much, either. I wonder for how long?

Vigilantly, I place my hand on his arm. But he just jerks it away.

"Aya, please tell me."

"No. Go away."

Arg. He's so frickin' stubborn.

"Look, I'll make a deal with you."

Aya frowns and shoots me a skeptical look.

"If you tell me what's bothering you, not only will I go away, but I'll get you some more sake as well."

"At 5 am?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.

"There's an all night convenience store."

"It's two miles away."

"So?" I ask.

"Your cars in the shop." He states, with an obvious air.

"I haven't forgotten how to walk."

Aya folds his arms across his chest, the words 'yeah right, you've gotta be joking' written all over his face.

"Okay, let me get this straight." He says, leaning back in his chair. "You're offering to walk two miles -each way- in the cold, at 5 am, to get me sake, on a night where you have to be up for a morning shift the next day?"

"I guess I am."

"You're crazy."

"You're depressed."

"I'm always depressed." Aya points out. "Get over it."

"Not this depressed."

"How do you know what I'm usually like at five in the morning?"

Er. I guess he has a point there.

"I don't. That's why I'm worried."

"Well stop worrying. I'm fine."

"Aya, I used to be a detective. I know 'fine.' You, my friend, are a textbook case of 'not fine'!"

Aya's getting agitated. There I go, pissing him off yet again. Nice work, Kudoh.

"Even if I'm not fine," Aya grits out, "since when do you even care, anyway?!"

Ouch, Aya. That really hurts, you know.

"I've always cared!" I insist. Just not quite as much as I do now, my conscience tacks on.

"Oh yes. It was so obvious." His reply oozes sarcasm.

"Okay fine!" I yell out. "Even if you won't tell me what's wrong, I'm STILL going to go out and get you sake! Just to prove I care!"

Aya opens his mouth as though about to say something, but I storm out the door before he gets a chance, slamming it behind me.

I'll show him.

I'll get him sake all right. As much as I can carry home. Good sake. Yeah, I'll get the nicest stuff I can find. Ha. There'll be no doubt I care then. He'll HAVE to believe me, and feel better, and pour his heart out to me! Yeah!

I better check how much money I have.

Reaching for my wallet not only fails to produce the wallet, but my pocket as well.
No pocket? How can my pocket be missing?

Oh.

Oh crap.

In my tiredness and aggravation, I completely forgot that I wasn't wearing my normal clothes.
I'm currently standing in the middle of the street adorned only in a grungy pair of pajama pants and a tank top.

Well. I suppose that explains why things seemed a bit…um…breezy.

Shit, now what am I going to do?

Besides not having my keys, I don't want to face Aya without getting the sake first.
Dude, does this suck.

I guess I'll just go back and try climbing in my window. Then I can get my money without Aya knowing I came back.
I've pulled it off before….just not while I was sober.

Nope, drop that plan. I've already been caught.

Aya is leaning against the door of the shop, a smug expression plastered across his face.

"You know, Kudoh, the clerk would probably appreciate it if you put some pants on before going shopping."

"Oh, put a sock in it." I mutter irritably.

"Just forget about it, Yohji. I'm going to bed." Aya quickly turns and heads inside.

I follow him and grab his arm.

"Don't even think about going to bed without telling me what's bothering you, Aya."

He wrenches his arm from my grasp. "Don't touch me!"

"Chill out! I'm not going to molest you or anything."

Aya visibly stiffens.

"What…what makes you think I'm worried that you'd…." His voice trails off before finishing the sentence.

"Well, the broken nose had nothing to do with it."

"You…remember."

"It'll be a cold day in hell before I manage to forget."

"I thought you were too drunk to remember." Aya looks pale; which is saying a lot actually, as Aya's normal complexion is rather on the pallid side.

"I wasn't nearly as drunk as I wanted to be." I reply.

"I see." Aya states, curtly.

He turns back around again and resumes his attempt to go upstairs.

"That's it? All you can say is 'I see'?!"

"Were you expecting something else?" He asks, his tone icy.

"Well for starters, if I pissed you off enough to bash my face in, I'd expect you to have some sort of verbal reprimand, or warning, or explanation…or…something!"

"You're sober now." He says, turning back to face me. "I should think it rather obvious that you're aware of your mistake-rendering a 'reprimand' unnecessary." Aya folds his arms across his chest. "Or did I overestimate your intelligence, in assuming that you would not make a habit out of mistaking me for your dead girlfriend?"

Is it just me, or was his emphasis of the word 'dead' designed to sting?

"It. It wasn't like that." I stutter out.

"Oh wasn't it? You called me Asuka."Aya's scowl intensifies as he acknowledges her name.

"She was on my mind, true…but. But I knew who I was kissing."

God, I sound so pitiful.

"Did you now?" Aya's face discovers previously unknown depths of scowldom. "Well. I supposed that's even worse then."

"I had…hoped. You'd find it….better." Why is my voice so weak? I feel like my brain is shutting down. How does Aya do this to me?!

"I'm sorry, Kudoh," Aya says, his back to me and climbing the stairs, "but the last thing I need in my life is you trying to turn me into your twisted rebound compensation prize, or any of that shit. I have enough problems already."

He disappears from sight, and I can hear the faint 'click' of his door shutting.

I'm the last thing he needs, huh?

His words leave me feeling like I was just flattened by a semi.
I should go up to my room, but I'm too drained to do more than sink to the floor and lean up against the refrigerator.

Last thing he needs.

Why did that seem so bad? I already knew he didn't like me. It's not like I expected my confession to inspire some drastic change of heart. Okay, maybe deep-down I had secretly hoped so, but I knew better.

In fact, I had half expected things to go worse. At least he didn't yell at me. That's something, right? I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself.

Fuck, why am I letting this get to me?

I feel almost exactly like I did when Asuka turned me down. Yep, that's right. Initially, Asuka shot me down cold. She gave me that stupid line about not believing in getting involved with coworkers or some bullshit like that. It took a lot of work for me to finally get through to her. But god, was it worth it when I got there. I was so incredibly happy. Well, while it lasted. No one wants me to revisit that topic.

Wait. If I think I feel the same for Aya that I did for her…does that mean I shouldn't give up?

No. Aya's different from Asuka. He says what he means. He spared me the excuses of working together and being assassins and all that crap. Aya flat out said he didn't need me.

If I really-dare I admit-loved him, I'd respect that and leave him alone, right? Or so the cliché goes.

…..

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait just a damn minute!

Aya said 'need.'

Not 'want.'

There's a big fucking difference between 'need' and 'want'!

He doesn't need me…but he never once said he doesn't like me or….or want me.

Does that mean something?

Dare I hope?

If I could convince him of my sincerity…might I stand some sort of chance? I'm fairly certain he would have told me if he found the thought of being with me abhorrent. But he didn't. Come to think of it, he even apologized when he said I was the last thing he needed. Aya doesn't say the word 'sorry' very often. Not to mention he did come looking for me when I was drunk.

Am I being presumptuous in thinking that he might actually like me?

Is it worth the risk to try and find out?

Oooh. My head is swimming.
There's way too many conflicting thoughts going on in there right now.

I need a drink.


* * *


It's been two hours since I deduced that Aya probably doesn't hate me.

That time has been passed wretchedly trying to build up the nerve to re-confront him.

Here's a quick inventory of how that that time was spent:

5:15- Sat on floor and sulked like the self pitying sap I am.

5:20- Had the epiphany that although Aya obviously believes in my profound state of loserdom, I may very well be a loser with a chance.

5:23- Decide to go up to Aya's room and try to find out what he really thinks about me.

5:30- Still sitting on the floor, pretending to be particularly fascinated by a smudge on the kitchen tile.

5:40- Realize I'm hardly fooling myself, and take a shower; rationalizing that Aya will be more favorable to me if I smell good.

5:50- Brush my teeth, hoping….Well, you can guess.

6:00- Go to my room and attempt to put my feelings down into a poem. Aya seems like a poetry kinda guy, don't you think?

6:20- Admit to myself that while I possess many talents, poetry does not rank among them.

6:30- Take another shower, just in case the first one didn't get me clean enough. Messing with poetry is hard work; I might be sweaty again now.

6:40- Do some sit ups.

6:45- Pace back and forth in the hallway for a bit.

6:50- Attempt to take a third shower (you can never be too sure), but fail, as I had inadvertently used up all the hot water with my first two.

6:55- Brush, floss, and use my special dual-action-antibacterial-glacier-ice-minty-fresh mouthwash (all rights reserved.)

7:00- Change out of my pajamas and into regular clothes.

7:02- Realize Aya probably doesn't like my regular clothes and change into old jeans and a button-down shirt.

7:05- Notice several stains on my shirt and change back into my regular clothes.

7:07- Decide Aya might feel threatened if I confront him in a midriff top and leather pants. Switch back to the grungy outfit.

7:10- Raid the laundry room and swipe one of Ken's shirts so that I can dress conservatively without looking like a total slob.

7:15- Brush my teeth one last time for good measure.


All of which brings me right now to 7:20, where I am presently standing in front of Aya's door.

Did I mention that I'm nervous as all hell?

Gulp. Here goes.

The door's not locked. Score one for Yohji.

I sneak in noiselessly. I daren't wake him up until just the right moment. If I dare at all. Maybe this isn't such a good time. I could always talk to him later where I wouldn't need to wake him up.

No, no, no. I need to know now. Before my hopes get a chance to build up any more. Make me wait until tomorrow afternoon, and I'll probably have already decided on the names of our kids.
Man, I've got it bad.

Oh. Oh wow.

Somehow I had expected that even in sleep, Aya would manage to retain his disgruntled demeanor.

Well, I was wrong. Very wrong.

He looks-I know I'm going to put it all wrong-but he looks downright lovely. Of course, I'm talking with a biased opinion here.

I've never seen him look so relaxed before.

He's almost smiling. He must be having a nice dream. I wish I knew what it was about.
I wish it was about me.
More likely he's dreaming about dismembering Takatori, and making a shish-kabob outta the spare parts.
Now there's something that would make him smile.

Without really thinking, I sit down on the edge of his bed.
I hardly put any weight on it at all, but apparently it was still enough to wake him.

Oh shit! I'm not ready yet!

At first he just looks at me in bleary puzzlement. Then a flicker of recognition flashes across his eyes, signaling that he's fully awake. He hastily sits up, backing away from me, ever so slightly.

"Kudoh?! What the fuck are you doing in my room?!"

My stomach has suddenly decided to take up residence in the vicinity of my esophagus.

"I need to talk to you."

"We have nothing to talk about. Go back to bed."

"I can't go back to bed. Aya, I haven't been able to sleep in three weeks, and that's not going to change if we don't talk."

Aya just glares at me skeptically.

"Just what exactly do you expect me to say that will somehow magically cure your insomnia?"

"I need to know how you feel."

"I was under the impression that I already made that quite clear."

"You most certainly did not. In fact, you were careful to tell me off without saying how you felt!"

The glare becomes a frown. "I meant what I said."

"I don't doubt that." I answer, edging closer and closer to him. Aya's frown has reverted back into a series of menacing glares; designed to ward me off, no doubt.
"You only said you didn't need me trying to pick you up on the rebound. And I'm now telling you I'm doing no such thing."

"Riggght. And just what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Aya asks, suspiciously.

"I mean, there is no rebound."

I get the impression that Aya would have laughed (not a nice laugh, mind you) if he weren't so uncomfortable with the situation. Instead he emits a sort of strangled snort.

"Do you think I'm stupid?! Blind people could see how badly you were hung up on her!"

I steel my nerve and inch a little closer. "That's true. But I'd like to emphasize the word were."

"Oh, so you suddenly don't care about that anymore?" Aya rolls his eyes (this strikes me as quite un-Aya-like.) "Good for you."

"No, you asshole. I love her and finally realized that dwelling on her death was ruining that. In fact, I was starting to hate her. I have to let it go."

"Right, so you admit you still love her." Aya points at me accusingly. "I think that reinforces my point that you have no fucking business being in my room!"

"You really are stupid, aren't you!" I have to restrain myself from violently shaking the stubbornness out of him (and then doing other…things….) "It's possible to love more than one person you know. But I guess you wouldn't know. Since you've never cared for more than one yourself!" Oh man, I shouldn't have said that. I'm just pissing him off and sealing my doom. But Aya always says just the right thing to wind me up and make me loose my temper. Oh, damnit, damnit, damnit.

I expect Aya to retaliate and lash out at me with equally harsh words. But he doesn't. He just stares blankly. I can't read his emotions at all.

I sigh. "I'm sorry Aya. I didn't mean to say that. What I meant to say is that I do still love Asuka. That will never change. But I'm not hung up on her anymore. I lo-" The word catches in my throat. I guess I'm not ready to say that out loud yet. "I mean, I'm hung up on someone else now."

Aya doesn't even blink. I'm starting to feel like that sake bottle.

But then, he hasn't thrown me off the bed yet, either. No reaction is a good reaction with Aya, I hope.

I lean right in his face, and he still doesn't reward me with a reaction. "If I wanted, shall I quote, 'some twisted rebound compensation prize,' I would be at a club right now. Just like I was every single night from her first death to her second. But I'm not at a club, am I? I haven't been to one in a month. I don't really know if I'll ever bother again."

Damnit, Aya, couldn't you at least acknowledge that you're listening?!

I take a chance with my life and rest my forehead against his shoulder. Breath held, I wait for him to shrug me off. But he just tenses up and remains motionless. Emboldened, I look up at his face. Although he hasn't turned his head, his eyes are directed towards me. There is unquestionable apprehension behind them.

"What exactly do you want from me, Yohji?" Aya suddenly asks in an almost inaudible voice.

Hey! He used my first name! Am I getting through to him??

"I'll settle for anything you're willing to give me. I won't ask for anything you're not."

"Pardon my lack of confidence." Aya answers, flatly.

Somehow my arms have made their way around him without my noticing. I'm clinging to Aya like my bloody life depended on him. Maybe it does.

"Give me a chance to prove it." I plead.

"What, by buying me sake?" It might be my imagination, but I think I detect a hint of humor in his voice.

"I had to start with something." I confess.

"Admit it. You just wanted to get me smashed." Aya rewards me with a wry smile, and I feel the tension that had been building suddenly dissolve. He's not about to say in so many words, but I can tell he's going to give me a chance. Maybe he'd always intended to and his words were really meant to convince himself instead of me.

I relax my death grip but continue to lean on him.

"That's not fair, Ayan, you were the one trying to get drunk."

"And it was your fault I wanted to." Aya turns his head away as he quietly speaks.

"You mean that was because of…."

Aya nods but keeps his gaze averted.

"I wanted to see how you could do it." He answers vaguely.

"Do what?"

"Get so drunk you only saw what you wanted to see. I couldn't understand how you could think I was…."

"Aya, listen. I admit, that for one fraction of a second I did think you were her. But that was only because I couldn't comprehend anyone else finding me at the place I was. I already told you that I figured out who you really were before I…kissed you."

Aya's still not looking at me. His eyes are fixed on the hem of his shirt (which he is distractedly fiddling with.) I want to force him to make eye contact, but I don't want to scare him.

"Why did you do it?" Shit, is Aya shaking?!

I put my hands on his shoulders to steady him. "Truthfully, I don't know. I just acted on my instincts. I guess my subconscious is smarter than Yohji primary."

Aya lets out a nervous laugh, and then lapses into silence again. I'm not sure what to say now, so I just keep my hands on his shoulders and continue to look at him (in a way that I hope he'll interpret as meaningful.)

"It wasn't very nice, you know?" Aya says suddenly, glancing up for a second before looking away again.

Huh? "What wasn't nice?"

"The kiss." He clarifies, "You reeked of vodka."

"I guess you really hate the stuff then?"

"It's really awful." He says, awkwardly.

"I don't drink it anymore you know. That was the last time. Ever."

He looks up at me again, giving me a sort of weird half-smile.

"And," I add (somewhat clumsily,) "I promise the second time would be better. If you'd, um, let me try again…."

"I'm not just going to be…a…distraction, for, um…."

"From this point on, everything thing else in the world is just a distraction from you." With that I let go of his shoulders and pull him as close to me as I can. I kiss him so gently it's as if I'm afraid that one wrong move will make everything disappear. To my surprise, I'm suddenly met with Aya's tongue timidly brushing against my bottom lip, and my brain completely shuts off. The next thing I know we've both fallen backwards and he's kissing me as frantically as I am him. I guess I was right that Aya doesn't hate me after all. I'm so happy I could die.

Suddenly the extreme lack of sleep catches up with us, our exhaustion doubled by the emotionally draining confrontation. The kisses become slower and sleepier, and we eventually settle down under his blanket. Aya falls asleep almost immediately. I wrap my arms around him and reposition his head so that it rests in the crook of my neck. I'm too stunned by how uncharacteristically right things finally turned out to fall asleep just yet.

As I'm breathing in the scent of his hair, a phrase from a song I heard long ago drifts through my head. I whisper the lyrics to him, knowing that he can't really hear me.

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.

Aya faintly smiles in his sleep.



The End.