Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Never Even Told You ❯ Causing Hurt, Wanting Pain ( Chapter 6 )

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst.

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts. Stuff marked * are explained at the bottom!

Of course I couldn't leave it like it was so here's the next chapter. Now I want to WARN fragile and innocent minds about this chapter!!! There are some really messed up stuff in here concerning sexual stuff. If you can't stand ppl with slightly um messed up ways when it comes to sex you DO NOT want to read this okay!?

And before I let you dig in I want to send a huge glomp and a ton of thank yous to fei who read this through and helped me so much! You are the best girl!! *glomps ya*

Chapter 6. Causing Hurt, Wanting Pain

He looked at his lover and sighed. The man in his bed was asleep but he wasn't peaceful, he never was anymore. Sometimes he wondered what the hell he was doing, how he could have allowed it to go so far. It wasn't like there was any love between them, at least not the kind of love that should exist between two people who slept together. But the broken man that shared his bed every single night needed him. Exactly for what he wasn't so sure of though, or at least he pretended he wasn't. One thing that he was sure of was the fact that their relationship wasn't healthy. What his lover was doing to himself, or rather forced him to do to his lover was anything but healthy. He sighed deeply and lit a cigarette. Silently he left his room and strolled down to the kitchen. More than anything he wanted to help his team-mate. Team-mate? That was a laugh. They were no longer team-mates since there wasn't a team to be in anymore. Two years ago there had been but not anymore. Their leader had left them and the man in his bed had fallen apart.
"Why did you leave Aya?" he muttered and rubbed his face. No one answered of course but that question had bothered him ever since the redhead had disappeared. "You must have know that it would destroy Ken." A large part of him hated the redhead for what he had done to Ken but he didn't have all the facts. The brunette refused to talk about it, refused to even meantion his former lover's name at least while he was awake. At first he had seemed okay with the fact that Aya wasn't around anymore but he had slowly been falling apart, suffering in silence. He stopped smiling, his eyes lost their light and finally he had crashed, so broken that nothing seemed to be able to fix him again. A year after Aya had disappeared Ken was nothing like the person he had used to be. Manx had pulled the plug and Weiss was over since only two assassins were left. They had stayed at the Koneko mostly because they didn't have anywhere else to go. Months went by as he and Omi did everything they could think of to put the broken pieces that had been Ken back together. Finally one night a few months ago the brunette had showed up in his bedroom and begged him to make the pain go away. He sighed and pulled away from his memories for a moment. "I should have handled that diffrently, I know that now." But he hadn't seen any other way than to take Ken into his bed. And it had helped, at first. For a few weeks the old Hidaka was back but he soon learnt that it was just a mask, just a desperate attempt to survive.
"Yoji-kun?" He turned around and smiled slightly at his youngest friend.
"What are you doing up Omi?" The little blonde approached him and sat down on a chair.
"Ken-kun woke me." Yoji closed his eyes.
"I don't know if they're nightmares, he never remembers when it happens but it just keeps getting worse. Before it happened once in a while but lately it's been happening almost every night," he said sadly. He might not be in love with Ken but he cared deeply for the disturbed brunette just like he cared for Omi.
"We both know who whatever they are is about though, don't we?" the smaller man asked evenly.
"Aya. I just don't understand what went wrong there." Omi scratched his head and frowned.
"I… I've been checking up on Aya ever since he left."
"You have what?" Yoji asked sharply and raised an eyebrow.
"I know you blame him for what happened to Ken-kun but I think it's a lot more complicated than that," the smaller blonde mumbled. "Aya-kun loves or at least loved Ken-kun very much so he must have had a good reason for leaving like that."
"Don't you dare defend him Omi!" Yoji spat out with anger in his jade eyes. "He destroyed Ken's life! So don't you dare sit there and make up excuses for him! You're not the one who has to listen while Ken screams Aya's name for hours while he's crying in his sleep. You're not the one who has to pin him to the bed so that he doesn't hurt himself. You're not the one who has to… hurt him just because he forces you to." The lanky blonde shook his head and ignored the tears that fell from his eyes. Suddenly he let out a cold hard laugh. "I'm so fucked up Omi."
"Yoji-kun… you don't hurt him." Green eyes met blue and narrowed.
"You're too innocent Omi and sometimes that blinds you. I do hurt him, he wants me to hurt him. Your room is right next to mine so don't tell me that you've ever heard moans of pleasure come from him?" Yoji asked and lit another smoke. He didn't want to talk about that but he needed to. Omi was the only one he could talk to and he wasn't exactly a very good choice.
"I um…" The little blonde blushed a deep shade of red and squirmed on his chair.
"You know just as well as I do that he doesn't love me and I don't love him, not the way I should. Ken needs me to replace the hurt Aya caused him with something else and I'm too fucked up to say no. I desire him Omi, I lust after him and I want to own his body but I don't love him. Now tell me that I'm not fucked up, tell me that I don't hurt him!"
"But I thought… Don't you two…" Omi went redder with each word he managed to get out.
"Sleep with each other?" Yoji suggested calmly.
"Well um yeah."
"Sleeping together can be done in many diffrent ways Omi. There's making love, having sex, fucking and then there's what I do with Ken." He could see that he was confusing his younger friend.
"I… eh I don't understand."
"I hope you never do. I suppose you could say that I fuck him. Yeah that's a crude word but it doesn't have to mean that the act in itself is ugly. But that's beside the point. Ken turns me on, he teases me until I can't think straight and then he… I'm a man and when I get extremely aroused my brain shuts down, I do my thinking with my dick." Omi stared with wide eyes and his face red as a beet. "Ken knows that and he uses it. When he has me so far gone that I can't see pass getting myself off he…" Yoji pulled in a sharp breath. "He allows me to take him, fuck him if you want to use that word instead, but he never lets me prepare him, prepare myself. Have you ever had sex with a man Omi?" The petit blonde almost fell off his chair.
"I… it… no…"
"Well then let me tell you that if you don't get prepared and if you don't use some kind of lubrication it hurts like hell, it makes you bleed. Ken wants that."
"How can you do that to him!" Omi growled, his eyes darkened with anger. "You are hurting him!"
"I said I was didn't I? You don't understand Omi. I can't say no to him, I can't think straight when he's around. I'm just fucked up, sick. It didn't start out like this you know… At first it was gentle and good but it wasn't enough for him, he didn't want that from me. And don't for a moment think I enjoy hurting him because I don't! Afterwards he always breaks down and he clings to me like I'm some sort of a fucking lifeline. And I promise myself that I will never let him get to me again, never let him manipulate me into hurting him again. But it's not that easy and I don't know what to do. All I know is that it has got to stop before I kill myself. I can't live like this." The anger in Omi's eyes had faded when he saw devastation in the tall blonde's eyes.

Ken quietly left the place where he had been standing and walked back upstairs. Yoji's voice still echoed inside his head and it made him feel so guilty. Most of what the blonde had said was true. He did want to be hurt, wanted to feel pain but not for the reason Yoji had stated. It wasn't because Aya had hurt him, it was because he had hurt Aya and because he was consumed by the shame and guilt. He had tried, he really had tried to get over the redhead and just move on but he couldn't. His heart wouldn't let him nor would the guilt. What he needed were arms to hold him at night so that he could pretend that Aya was still there so he had used Yoji, he was still using Yoji. But it hadn't been enough. He needed something to wash away some of the shame and guilt and pain was the only thing that had worked even remotely so far. When his brain was occupied with suffering from physical agony it all faded even if it only was for a little while. It was just that every time he did it a new guilt surfaced. By giving himself to Yoji he was betraying his love for Aya and he was hurting the blonde. He was just so extremely messed up. The lanky blonde's desire for him had been there for a long time and Ken had always known about it but he had never even thought about acting on it. At least not until a few months ago when he understood that the pain inside wasn't going to disappear. It was so easy to awaken the lust in Yoji, to drive him so far that he couldn't even tell right from wrong. Ken bit his lip and crawled back into the bed he had left a while ago. He was more or less raping the lanky blonde or at least he was making his lover, if he could call the blonde that, feel like Yoji was raping him. It had to stop, it shouldn't have happened at all, but he needed it so badly. Even more so he needed Yoji to hold him at night, to feel a warm body pressed against his. He shook his head and closed his eyes.
"Aya," Ken whimpered and hugged himself. Yoji was wrong about another thing. He did remember the nightmares he had, he remembered them all too well. The only thing he didn't know was if they really were nightmares. At first they had happened every now and then but now they came every night and he couldn't shake the feeling that they were something more than just dreams. Ken shook his head and rose again. Slowly he left the blonde's bedroom and headed back to his own. He searched through a drawer and pulled out a little jar. His fingers fumbled with the lid since he was so eager to get to what was inside. Finally he managed to open it up and shook out two white and grey capsules with a little pink M on them. These were his friends. Sonata Zaleplon*, sleeping pills. He swallowed them both and crawled underneath the blanket. They worked fast and hit him even harder since he insisted on taking two. It didn't take long before Ken was dead to the world in his drugged sleep.

Everything hurt as he stumbled forward. He just had to make it all the way home. Home? Where the hell was he? His brain was foggy and unfocused due to the massive pain it was dealing with so he wasn't sure. He allowed his feet to decide where he was going. For a moment he had to rest. Gingerly he opened up his coat to check the damage. He was bleeding pretty badly and he feared that it wasn't just on the outside. A cough caused him to howl in pain and his mouth filled up with something warm that tasted like copper. Blood. He spat it out and wiped his mouth. If he didn't hurry home he wasn't going to get there at all. With a grunt he got his feet moving again and continued to stumbled down the dark street. Home was somewhere around here wasn't it? He should have gone to his car instead but his brain wasn't really working properly. How could that mission have gone so terribly wrong? At least two of his five team-mates were dead and God only knew how badly hurt the others were. Might as well make that three, he thought and pressed a hand across the wound in his side. He wasn't going to make it much further and he wasn't sure he would survive but he wanted to, he had to. Death was not going to claim him until he could say what he had to say to Him.
"Ares, what's your status?" a female voice suddenly said in his hear. He ignored her and pushed himself forward. "Damnit Ares! Where the hell are you?" He still didn't answer. His new team didn't like him, not that he cared. He followed orders, killed and that was it. "Hades, do you have a visual on Ares?"
"Um that's a no Hera. I think Ares was hit when the targets… killed Apollo," a man mumbled. He ignored him too and shook his head slightly. Yes Apollo was dead and he should be too. Tired of hearing the voices he pulled the earpiece out and threw it away. His team-mates didn't matter now, nothing did except finding Him. Finally he saw it. That house was so familier to him, it was home even though he hadn't lived there for almost two years. With his last strenght he staggered up to the door and weakly knocked on it. It took a while before it opened and he was greeted by a blonde.
"YOU! What the fuck are…" The tall blonde was cut off when he quickly had to catch a falling body.
"Ken," he mumbled before he gave into an exhausted sleep.

~TBC~

* Sonata Zaleplon is a real sleeping-drug which some moronic doctor put me on *huffs* You do not want to mess with these pills like Ken does here. And you most certainly don't want to take a double dose like he does. These dugs are known to cause depressions and shit like that so ppl stay away!! And if anyone wonders… I haven't touched mine *snorts at her doctor* Um well I have opened the thing and checked out what the capsules look like but that it! I hate drugs *grr*

Now, I know some ppl will probably find the stuff in here farfetched and twisted but it works in my head. Ken is not doing very well and he feels extremely guilty for what he did to Aya or rather think he did to Aya. In my book they're as much to blame for it. He uses Yoji to punish himself since Yoji has a little thing, um or a rather big thing, for him. And as you surely understood Yoji is not enjoying it but he does have a problem with controling his hormones in my book so there you go. *sighs* I am so gonna get flamed for this chapter *hangs head*

Hm I wonder if I'm gonna let Aya die or not *ponders* We'll see what my lovely muse has up her sleeve… Ja/Atsureki