Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Malarkeys and Mayhem ❯ Intermission ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

And now, eMu and Chikin are proud to present, as an interruption to this meaningless bit of ficcie, the much awaited untold story of the tragic life of Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster, Schwarz mascot.

"What is that thing?" Crawford asked, fairly annoyed.

"I bought us a mascot. I figured we could use one." Schuldig explained. He was carrying a very large bag labeled 'Penny's Pet Emporium'. He pushed Crawford's stack of books and newspapers off the table and plopped the bag down, and began pulling out boxes and tubes.

"What did you buy?" Nagi asked, gaping at the amount of equipment.

"Is it poisonous?" Farfarello asked, interestedly glancing at Nagi, who backed away.

"Nope. I bought a teddy bear hamster." Schuldig answered, pulling a quivering lump from an inside pocket of his hideous green jacket. The white and tan pile of fluff shivered nervously , hiding its head from the group of stunned assassins by cowering into Schuldig's palm.

"You bought a hamster. To use as a mascot. For Schwarz?" Crawford asked, slowly, trying to figure out the train of thought that went into the purchase. "Were you trying to be ironic?"

"No, I think he embodies the team spirit well enough. He just shit in Schuldig's hand." Nagi noted.

"Ew!" Schu waved his hand and the hamster went flying off of him. Crawford impulsively reached out and caught the little ball of fluff. "Kill it! Oh…my hand smells like hamster shit."

"It's just a little pellet. Stop being so overdramatic." Crawford snapped. "Did you name it?"

"I think we should name it Dead. Because that's what it's going to be in about a week. I refuse to take care of it." Nagi said. He knew full well they were going to pawn cage duty off on him anyway. "It's a rat. We spend money to have rats killed. Why did you buy one?"

"To boost team morale. Now kill it. It shit on me!" Schuldig yelled.

Crawford protectively stroked the hamster's fur. "You're not killing him. I happen to think shitting in your hand is an admirable trait."

"Can I hold Mr. Bubbles?" Farf asked.

"Mr. Bubbles? Is that what you want to call him?" Crawford asked.

"It's his name." Farfarello explained.

"Schuldig, he really is a he, isn't he?" Crawford asked. Schuldig nodded.

"Farfarello…the hamster whisperer." Nagi muttered.

"I think he needs a longer title." Schuldig said.

"Duke Mr. Bubbles?" Nagi asked sarcastically.

"Mr. Bubbles the fierce Viking warrior king?" Schuldig put in.

"Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster. It's his full name." Farfarello said.

"This is ridiculous! Who named him?" Nagi demanded.

"His mother of course." Farfarello replied.

There was a silent pause.

"Makes sense." Schuldig shrugged.

"He wasn't acting very happy." Nagi noted.

"He's happy now. He stopped shaking." Crawford said, reaching into the shopping bag and pulling out a hamster treat for Mr. Bubbles.

"Yeah…Schu, what did you do to him?" Nagi asked.

"Nothing. I bought him, bought the stuff, put him in my pocket, got on the subway and went home." Schuldig explained. They all gaped at him. Everyone.

"You fucking idiot." Crawford muttered under his breath, reaching for a few more sympathy hamster treats.

"You should empty out your pocket, because I'm guessing it's full of hamster pellets now." Nagi said with a snicker.

"Huh?" Schu looked into the pocket he'd stored the hamster in and let out a small scream. "Gah! Crawford-gimme-grkin'-killit- HAMSTER PANCAKES!!" Schuldig lunged for Mr. Bubbles, but Crawford side stepped him and he ran into the wall.

"It's your own fault for being dumb. Now set up the habitrail. I'm going to play some classical music for Mr. Bubbles and see if it calms him down." Crawford said, before leaving for his room, still stroking the hamster's fur.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

"I finally set up the habitrail." Schuldig said wearily, collapsing onto the couch in the living room a good six hours later (the instructions helpfully came in seven different languages, the seven languages being none of the few he was literate in).

"You didn't use any duct tape, did you?" Crawford asked.

"I saw him going for it so I stopped him. Mr. Bubbles will chew right through that stuff." Nagi answered.

"What the fuck are you watching?" Schuldig asked, as sugary sweet voices and J-pop dug its way into his brain, ensuring a headache.

"Hamtaro." Nagi answered, an eye twitching with disgust.

"Why?" Schuldig asked.

"Mr. Bubbles likes it." Farfarello answered.

Schuldig was about to comment on how stupid that was when he noticed that the hamster did appear to enjoy the show. He was perched on Crawford's shoulder, occasionally nuzzling affectionately at Crawford's neck, but mostly watching the happy little show with rapt attention.

"Turn it off!" Schuldig begged. He was starting to get a migraine from the piercingly happy voices.

"Mr. Bubbles likes it." Farf protested again.

"Go to that void you call a room. And don't bother coming out again, no one will miss you." Crawford snapped.

Schuldig stood up and grabbed at his chest. "It hurts Crawford. The abuse I suffer from you all!"

"Abuse. Ri-i-ight." Nagi snapped, eye twitching angrily again.

The hamster habitat started out in the living room, as Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster was theoretically the pet of all four members of Schwarz, being their mascot. It however, soon wound up in Crawford's room. Farfarello complained about this, as he wanted to be able to talk to Mr. Bubbles (he makes better conversation than any of you) but Crawford refused to move the habitat back.

And so it went. Mr. Bubbles worked his way into the hearts of the members of Schwarz (excepting Schuldig, who still hadn't forgiven him for shitting in his coat).

Nagi was slow to warm up to him, but eventually decided that he liked the hamster. Especially once his cage was moved into Crawford's room. This meant that Nagi didn't have to clean the cage since Crawford didn't let any of them into his room, and that had been the only real problem Nagi had had with the hamster anyway. He was actually kind of cute.

And then Schuldig realized that he had inadvertently done something that made his roommates very happy. He. Causer of mayhem and panic. It even brought them together to some extent. It annoyed him to no end.

And then there was the fact that they blatantly liked the hamster more than him. They rewarded Mr. Bubbles whenever he shit or peed on Schuldig or any of Schuldig's things, bit him, or chewed up his belongings. Something needed to be done.

He waited until Crawford and Farfarello left the house to buy more supplies for Mr. Bubbles (not to mention every episode of Hamtaro they could find). Nagi had shut himself up in his room again.

Very carefully, Schuldig crept down the hall to Crawford's room. The door was, as he had guessed, locked. He pulled out an old bobby pin and popped the lock, then walked into the room. He'd never actually been in Crawford's room before, and it looked exactly how he'd expected it to, very boring. And clean.

"What a waste. You can see the floor." Schuldig muttered.

Everything was in bland colors, so the habitrail stood out with the feet and feet of transparent neon tubes running out of it.

Schuldig reached a hand into the cage and was immediately assaulted by Mr. Bubbles, who seemed to know what was coming. He jumped onto Schuldig's hand and sank his little teeth deeply into the fleshy part between Schu's thumb and pointer finger.

"YAAAAHHH!!!" Schuldig screamed, flailing his arm. He knocked the cage to the floor, hamster shavings spilling out of it everywhere. He waved his arm around the room, but Mr. Bubbles didn't let go. If anything, now he was using his little claws.

Schuldig fell out into the hallway, clutching at his arm, still trying to shake the hamster loose.

He'd left his own bedroom door open, and his own home-grown pets noticed his distress.

"Ah! Killit-KILLIT!!!" He wailed. Mr. Bubbles had let go of his first bite wound, and was now littering Schu's hand with as many bites as he could make. A good deal of his fluffy white fur was now stained red. Crawford had clearly taught him to defend himself.

A tentacle reached out a gripped the hamster around its back legs.

"Frederick no!" Schuldig wailed, too late as the tentacle let forth a might jerk, and Mr. Bubbles was pulled from Schuldig's hand, though his teeth had been imbedded pretty deep into his flesh. Schuldig screamed again, clutching his bleeding hand to his chest, a few tears of pain leaking down his cheeks.

Mr. Bubbles let out squeals of terror as he was dragged into the recesses of Schuldig's room. The door slammed shut. Schuldig stared at the door, still clutching his hand and panting from the battle. He heard lots of hamster screeches, and then silence.

"What did you do?"

Schuldig jumped and turned around. Nagi was standing behind him.

"Oh! For a minute I thought it was my conscious. Thank God that thing's still dead." Schu replied.

"What did you fucking do to Crawford's pet?" Nagi asked again.

"I didn't do anything! Look what he did to me!" Schuldig exclaimed, holding out his bloodied hand.

"Yeah. A hamster did that." Nagi snapped sarcastically. "What did you really do?"

"How do you know I did anything? You were in your room typing away-"

"Crawford's door is open, Mr. Bubbles is gone and the habitrail's been knocked over. What the fuck did you do?" Nagi demanded.

"Nothing. You fed Mr. Bubbles to the monsters in my room." Schuldig replied, now calmly rising and inspecting his wounds.

"I fed the hamster to the monsters in your room? I KILLED MR. BUBBLES?!" Nagi shrieked.

"Nagi! How could you!"

Nagi whipped around. Crawford and Farfarello were standing in the doorway.

Schuldig had an evil smirk on his face, though it wasn't up to his usual par as he was still a little shaken from his battle with the hamster. He made his way over to the bathroom to patch up his injuries.

"I didn't! It was Schuldig! I liked Mr. Bubbles, really!" Nagi squeaked, very quickly. He didn't like the look of Farf and Crawford as they slowly made their way over to him.

"He did say we should name him Dead." Farfarello noted, voice very low. He twirled one of his knives menacingly.

"I-I-I-"

END

A/N once again, written with Chikin. I would just like to mention that a hamster managed to school Schu's ass worse than anyone else probably will during the course of this fic. That hamster went out fighting!

Also, Mr. Bubbles was given a funeral and has a little gravestone in the backyard. They buried his favorite hamster treats as they could not find his remains.