Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Malarkeys and Mayhem ❯ Resolution ( Chapter 8 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

"Oh Christ Omi! Are you okay?!" Ken asked in a panic.

"I-I-I…dunno! I'm not okay, gimme a minute!" Nagi sobbed.

"What did you say to him?" Aya asked, staring at Nagi crouched in a corner hugging his knees and sobbing.

"I broke Omi! Oh no! Omi, do you need a band-aid? Do you want me to go get you a cookie? What do you want? How can I make you feel better?" Ken asked, and at every question Nagi sobbed a little harder.

Yohji stumbled into the shop looking very confused (and hung over). "What's going on?"

"I broke Omi!" Ken wailed.

"Not so loud." Yohji groaned.

"Oh God! I broke Yohji too! I'm cursed!" Ken continued to yell, causing Yohji to double over clutching his skull.

"You did not break Yo-" Aya started, but Ken cut him off.
"Get away Aya! I don't want to break you too!" Ken shouted, backing away from them all.

"I-I'm okay." Nagi said shakily, staring at them with wide, teary eyes. "You care about my well being?"

"Sure. Say, if anyone cares about my well being, could they go and fetch an aspirin?" Yohji asked cheerfully.

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"Crawford? When is that mission that Omi was needed on? When can we trade this chibi in for our chibi?" Schuldig asked.

"Our chibi? Wow, you're finally accepting Nagi as a part of this team." Crawford noted.

"I didn't say it like that! It's more like a pet. Or a tumor. Anyway, when does Nagi come back?" Schuldig demanded.

Crawford didn't answer, and instead hid behind his newspaper.

"Crawford…when does Nagi come back?" Schu asked again, very slowly. Of all of Schwarz, he'd worked with Crawford the longest and was very good at reading him, and he knew he wasn't going to like whatever answer he would finally pound out of his leader.

"It might take a little longer than I'd originally anticipated." Crawford muttered.

Schuldig's hands balled into fists. "IS THERE EVEN A MISSION?!" He demanded. "You're just doing this to be mean! There's no purpose is there?!"

"I figured Nagi could use a lesson for…disobeying my orders…about killing Weiss. Well…it has been pretty amusing. And it cleaned your room." Crawford reluctantly admitted. "That was actually the motivation. We're having a garage sale by the way."

Schu had gone rigid with anger. His mouth was wide open but no sound came out. Crawford calmly turned the page in his paper.

And then Omi skipped happily into the room wearing a Kiss the Cook apron. He was heading for the fridge when he noticed Schuldig. "Heydo! Is Schu-Schu-kun having a heart attack? I know CPR!"

"DIE!!!" Schuldig screamed, coming out of his freeze. "TAKATORI SHI-NE!!" He dove for Omi and knocked him to the ground, trying to strangle him with the strings of his apron.

The angry eyes, red hair and familiar phrase…gasp! Omi's memory came back. He would've liked to comment on it too, but he couldn't really breathe around the apron strap.

"Schuldig let go of him." Crawford said, sounding almost bored.

"I'm killing it! I hate it! I want it dead!" Schu screamed, now so enraged he was mixing languages and it was half in Japanese and half in German.

"Gack! Le-ghr-go!" Omi gargled. He managed to edge his way halfway into the living room with Schu still on top of him, where Farf was luckily watching TV.

"What the fuck are you doing? I just sent him in there to make fudge!" Farfarello yelled, advancing on Schuldig.

"Get away if you know what's good for you!" Schuldig threatened. Omi's face was now turning blue. Farf kicked Schu's head and pulled Omi away from him.

"Can you still make fudge?"

"Schwarz?" Omi croaked. "Why am I here? You're not going to kill me, are you?"

"He might." Crawford answered, motioning towards Schuldig.

"The happy rainbows are gone!" Schuldig cried out from the floor. Tears of joy were in his eyes. "It's so much better here…"

"Of course the rainbows are gone. You triggered something and brought his memory back. Er…some of his memory back." Crawford explains.

"So wait, enough to stay and cook?" Farf asked hopefully.

"No, he needs to go back now." Crawford said, and Farf looked very depressed.

"Goodbye food. The next time I take hostages I'm getting a cook." Farfarello muttered, heading towards his room.

Omi still looked very distraught. "I remember being chucked into a wall. It hurt. I've still got a bruise from that!"

"So…his natural state is annoyingly happy. But when he's got his memories he's more tolerable? I bet I could make him cry now." Schuldig thought aloud.

"Get away from me. Can I just…leave?" Omi asked.

"Well…we need to get our chibi back so we'll drive you back." Schuldig answered.

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Nagi had gotten the swing of being in Weiss at this point. It was a lot different from Schwarz, and he was enjoying it immensely. For the first time in possibly his entire life, he was happy.

Sure, the flower shop was unpleasant, but there was something nice about a room full of girls who went out of their way to see him. And sometimes they made him cookies. The cookies were good. And so far none of them had been poisoned.

Then at night he would hang out with the others (except Aya, who was moody and secretive). Last night he'd played Risk with Ken and Yohji, and he'd managed to take over the world, raping and pillaging Yohji and Ken's countries whenever he defeated them. Yohji kept grumbling under his breath about unfair advantages, but Nagi knew full well that if Yohji could telekinetically move the dice, he would have done it too.

Yes, he was happy. Nagi Naoe was happy. He even hummed as he watered the flowers out front. And then he saw something that shattered his whole new world. He saw Schuldig's red car pulling up in front of the shop.

His instincts were quick. He chucked the watering can at the windshield, cracking it. He then ran into the shop and dove behind the counter, where Yohji was ringing up a sale. He hugged Yohji's knees.

"Don't let them take me! I don't want to go back!" Nagi sobbed. "I'll be good! I'll sleep in a cupboard! I'll do chores! I'll eat crumbs! Just let me sta-a-a-ay!"

"What?" Yohji was confused, until he looked up and saw Schuldig, Crawford and Omi enter the shop.

"Two Omis?" Ouka asked, eyes widening. "Yay! One of them has to do what I say now!"

"Where'd that little shit go? He's paying for that glass!" Schuldig growled.

Nagi was shaking, clinging harder to Yohji's legs.

"You're cutting off my circulation." Yohji muttered, trying not to move his lips. "I wanna help you, but I don't think I can."

"Don't make me go back." Nagi whimpered.

"I'd know that whimper anywhere!" Schu exclaimed. "Nagi come on. This isn't where you belong!"

"I know! I know because I'm happy here!" Nagi sobbed. Yohji very awkwardly walked out from behind the counter, and almost tripped as Nagi was still clinging to him.

"I think he doesn't want to go." Yohji said lamely. "We wouldn't mind keeping him you know. He'd have to sleep on the couch for awhile but, I mean he's a decent kid."

"That's nice cowboy. Nagi, let go of him and get in the car!" Schuldig ordered.

"You can't make me!" Nagi yelled.

"Is that a challenge?" Schuldig asked, evil grin in place.
"No! I don't wanna!" Nagi wailed.

"What's going on?" Ken asked, and dropped a very large potted plant. "Two Omis?"

"I told you all, this one's the Schwarz kid!" Yohji shouted exasperatedly. "But no one listens to me! I'm just a former detective and all, I don't spot things like this!"

"Ken! You like me! You won't let them take me, will you? See! I finally learned your name! You're Ken!" Nagi shouted, releasing Yohji's legs and looking at Ken pleadingly.

"I don't mind. You can be Omi number two." Ken said.

"Omi two?" Omi asked, looking hurt.

"Well you're Omi one. You're the first Omi I knew. He's the second one." Ken explained.

"Wait. You knew about it?" Yohji asked in disbelief.

"Well he said his name was Omi. So he's the second Omi." Ken explained.

"This is all very interesting but I'm missing my cartoons." Schuldig snapped, upset at being ignored.

"So I guess you'll probably have to leave now! Bye! See you in hell, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Nagi waved.

"Get in the car Nagi." Crawford snapped.

"But…but…"

"Schuldig…did you bring the puppies like I asked?" Crawford asked. He'd known something like this would happen.

"Yep. Sic 'em!" Schuldig ordered. From out of the car shot four or five (one of them looked like it could have had two heads) of his home grown pets, still squeaky clean from their grooming, though they'd taken out their bows and ribbons. Nagi froze in shock at their appearance, and they used the opportunity to nab him and bind him with duct tape and tentacles. Schuldig used his favored old trick of clamping down on Nagi's powers for the sake of their lives.

Yohji was tempted to do something to help Nagi, but Schuldig shot him a warning look.

Not such a good idea. I mean, unless you want us to litter this place with adolescent female corpses.

Well…there's a particular purple haired one over there you could get rid of if you really wanted to. Yohji responded.

Schuldig stored that away for future reference.

Schwarz exited the shop and drove off into the sunset.

And then Aya came out of the back room, grunted a greeting to Omi and finished watering the plants out front.

THE END

AND NOW AS A BONUS FEATURE, A STAFF MEETING

Weiss and Schwarz filed into the cafeteria of the Danvers High School, where a free breakfast was being served from the lunch line. Unfortunately, the school council had decided to make all of the food healthy for that year, so they were treated to fruit leathers, soy nuts and other such disgusting but healthy fare.

"I didn't know you could make cherry jerky." Nagi complained, while Farf attempted to shred his fruit leather.

"Alright, let's get this meeting underway." eMu said in a businesslike manner. Her creations all glared at her, and she regretted the anarchist-tendencies she'd thrown into Schwarz (as a note, I'm not pretending I've created the characters, but I've warped them so that they are no longer the Project Weiss versions anymore). eMu cleared her throat, readying herself to try to get their attention again, when Chikin skipped into the room with balloons and confetti.

"Hi everyone!" She squealed happily. "We got over seventy reviews!"

eMu glared at her.

"Isn't this the review party?" Chikin asked.

"It's the staff meeting. We need to discuss the future of this fic." eMu explained.

"I didn't know we had staff meetings." Chikin said with a frown.

"There was a reason." Nagi said harshly.

"Hey! You don't talk to me like that, I gave you most of your lines!" Chikin snapped.

"To the point! The last chapter was rather short, and that's the main reason why this feature is here. Which means we need to find some way to stretch our crappy plots out into longer chapters. My next project is going to be the gay prom. Any thoughts?" eMu asked.

"You're not going to do something clichéd like having me spike the punch, are you?" Schuldig asked, raising his hand. eMu attempted to hide her furious blush while coughing, as that had been the first thing that popped into her mind.

"When am I gonna get revenge on him for the lamb? I've sat through seven chapters waiting for that!" Crawford grumbled.

"It's coming. We just need to think of something good. Right now we're tossing around the idea of sticking him on an undercover mission as a transvestite prostitute." eMu explained.

Schu raised his hand. "I'm against that, it's tired. I mean cross dressing humor? C'mon…it's been done. You wouldn't stoop that low."

"I argue. Sounds great to me." Crawford said casually.

"I like it." Nagi said with an approving nod. "Especially if we throw him in a biker bar."

"I'll remember this." Schu hissed.

"I vote he does not remember this!" Nagi said, raising his hand.

"Naw, this isn't a part of the official fanon. This is just a fun cute sort of thing. Next topic, the prom itself. I've been wondering how to work pairings into this-" eMu was cut off by several hands shooting into the air. "Yes?"

"Pairings? As in yaoi? Shonen-ai? Slash?" Yohji asked.

"Yes." eMu said patiently.

"I'm still not gay!" Yohji sputtered.

"Oh ho…" eMu didn't seem to believe him.

"I would just like to state for the record that I am fourteen. Leave me alone." Nagi snapped.

"Listen, I don't even believe in this pairing, but my friend Dragon's Eye likes Omi/Nagi fluff." eMu barely finished the sentence before Omi and Nagi burst forth with objections. eMu slapped a hand to her forehead. Clearly this needed more thought. "Fine, next topic. Do we want to work with Schrient?"

"Can I kill them?" Farfarello asked.

"Maybe." eMu answered.

"Why do I like Tot?" Nagi asked. There was a pause.

"Take that up with Project Weiss. I personally think you could do much better." eMu answered.

"Obviously she doesn't want you to end up with that blue haired freak. This one's a yaoi fan." Schuldig observed with a smug smile. Then he almost fell off of his stool as a thought occurred to him. "You're not going to make me gay are you?!"

"Look at the female characters in your canon. All of you are going to end up gay at some point, either that or you'll all swear off sex. I mean lookit those girls! Damn! I wouldn't touch them!" eMu vented.

"So…so you are going to make me gay then?" Schuldig asked.

"I like you too much to make you sleep with those girls." eMu said by way of explanation.

"You could make original characters." Aya noted.

"No one likes original characters, and I don't need my reviews to turn into Mary-Sue accusations. Speaking of which, anything you'd like to say in response to our reviews?" eMu asked.

"How am I Ned Flanders?" Omi asked. "I don't have a mustache."

"I think she meant you were being nice." eMu explained.

"I think you act more like a Care Bear." Chikin noted.

"I would like to say that I neither have rabies nor was I raised by raccoons. Though I do think raccoons would have been better than those assholes." Nagi muttered darkly, fixing an eye-twitch-ful glare at his teammates. "And if you use that Nagi-Wagi-Chan, so help me God woman-"

"And you have lost speaking privileges." eMu declared. And with the clicking of keyboard keys, it was so. An oops sticker appeared over his mouth, and he grew noticeably angry. But silent.

"I'm not on crack. I'm high on life!" Omi exclaimed happily. "As for the memory thing. Yeah, when I can remember my crappy life, I'm kinda down. But when I have amnesia it's really kinda nice. I wish I had amnesia more often." Pause. "Unless it involves slamming my head into walls."

"I would like to thank Suicide Angel." Farf spoke up suddenly. "It was very tempting to take those hostages, but I refused because I knew that it would annoy Crawford if I did. And he didn't appreciate it. It makes me feel good to know that you are proud of me."

"You killed the hostages on the spot instead! And we should be proud of you!?" Crawford exclaimed.

"There weren't any witnesses…" Farfarello trailed off.

"By the by, we used that grave FungiFungusRayne gave us for Nagi to make a little waterfall thing in the backyard with. It's cool, it's like a wishing well. We're gonna get goldfish for it." Schuldig explained. "Fact is, we're keeping the kid around for a little longer, and we didn't want it to go to waste."

"Thank you to Sky Rat for your review about me." Farfarello spoke up again. "I likes it when I talk about more than hurting God as well. There's more depth to my personality. I play the piano."

"That's interesting, but this really isn't as cute as I'd planned it. I give up! Let's just post the damned thing." eMu groaned.

"Chicken suits! Everyone would look so cute all chibified in chicken suits." Chikin said with a smile.

"Fine." eMu groaned.

And everyone except her and Chikin were suddenly dressed in Chicken suits. And chibified. And very pissed off looking.

"That's all folks!" Chikin squealed.

"More soon!" eMu promised.

And Nagi yelled 'Someone Call DSS!!' in sign language.