Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Razorblade Romance ❯ Track 001: Your Sweet 666 ( Chapter 1 )

***In this fic, each chapter is vaguely shaped by a song from HIM's awesome album, `Razorblade Romance' (in order, from the Aus. release tracklisting). It doesn't matter if you don't know the songs; it would only help a little tiny bit anyway. If you do know the songs, then you'll be able to tell that this is going to be one angsty romance fic.

This is set after the OVAs, and will connect into Gluhen at later points. But if I don't want to follow canon exactly at times, I'm not gonna!***

 

~~I own NOTHING! The Weiss Kreuz characters belong to a number of wonderful people, and they surely know who they are, but I am not one of them. The HIM lyrics and song titles belong to Ville Valo and the rest of HIM etc., and again, not me. It's all harmless fun, I swear!~~

 

 

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Track One of Twelve: Your Sweet 666

 

 

There are things you should know,

And the distance between us seems to grow.

But you're holding on strong,

And oh, how hard it is to let go; oh so hard to let go

 

 

I'm waiting for your call,

And I'm ready to take your 666 in my heart.

I'm longing for your touch,

And I welcome your sweet 666 in my heart;

Oh, my love.

 

 

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"Well then, 'night, Aya. Guess I'll see you tomorrow."

 

 

"Hn. I suppose.”

 

 

I know that Yohji Kudoh feels nothing for me, beyond physical lust. He's still wrapped up in thoughts of his precious Asuka, or Neu, or whatever girl he saw this week that resembles his dead bit-...lover. Still, I return to his bed, or he comes to mine, time after time. We release tension, overcome a physical hindrance that is better taken care of with another person. However, there is no conversation; no discussion of feelings, or whispers of a relationship beyond the bedroom. He gets off, I get off, we clean up in a distant manner, and then we go our separate ways. It's been like this for a while, now. Yohji came to me one day, not long after we moved into that wretched van, with a most interesting proposition…

 

 

{~~~~~~~~~~}

 

 

"Aya. There's something I want to ask you."

 

 

"Make it quick, Yohji, some of us have actual work to do today."

 

"Alright, just please, take this seriously and don't be all offended and pissy if you don't wanna agree. I know that, even now, it's not your style to trust, well, pretty much anyone. You never go out; I bet that you don't have any friendships outside of Weiss."

 

 

"Is this a request or just a long-winded insult? If I recall correctly, you haven't been socialising outside of our team since the fall of Esset. So please, refrain from preaching the benefits of slutty one-night stands."

 

 

"Well you see, Aya, that's exactly what this is about. The downside of being antisocial is the lack of physical release; men need to get laid every once in a while! It's basic instinct. You refuse to do it out of some sort of misguided pride. I've tried, but lately, women remind me of her…choking out her 'love' for Takatori…"

 

 

"What are you babbling about, Yohji? Get to the point,"

 

 

"My point, you impatient bastard, is that we have the same base problem. And I know that you're at the very least bisexual; I'm the same. You refuse to pick up strangers, and I have no interest in anonymous men, that deal extended to women only. Which no longer works for me. What I'm saying, is that it could be best for both of us if we use each other. No emotions, no plans for the future, no proper relationship; just pure and simple release."

 

 

"I've lasted years without needing intimate contact. Why would I start again now? And with you, of all people?"

 

 

"I'm gonna ignore that insult, for now. As for the first bit, you've changed lately. Before, you were always 'revenge' this, 'save my sister' that. Now, you don't put your whole soul into anything. You can't seriously tell me that you have no sex drive, especially now that you're not preoccupied with chasing politicians and psychics. You're in your twenties and male, for God's sake! Deal with the physical issues I know you're feeling; this way, it's safe, clean and completely attachment-free."

 

 

"I-…I'll think about this. Now leave me alone, and do some work!"

 

 

{~~~~~~~~~~}

 

 

At first, I thought that it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. I assumed that Yohji was messing with me, that he had some evil plan up his sleeve to humiliate me. Then I remembered him during the time with Neu. The tenderness in his face as he nursed her back to health; the almost inhuman cry he let out as he killed her; his tears as he sobbed on the hill afterwards. It wasn't totally inconceivable that he couldn't perform with women. I also had to admit that he was correct about me- after my years of selfless devotion to avenging and saving the other Fujimiyas, I was feeling emotions that had been previously buried under ruthlessness and direction. Along with this came physical need, which I refused to cave into. The longer I thought about it, the better of a scenario Yohji's plan seemed to be. All of this led to my situation now, watching Yohji leave, yet again, after another quick burst of passion.

 

 

"Yohji…I…"

 

 

But whatever I was going to say went unheeded as the door closed behind him, a constant reminder of the terms of our deal. We have been 'using each other', as he would put it, for almost a year now. Never have we slept in the same bed; even when we used hotels during our van period, I would return to the others while Yohji stayed out, pantomiming the social life he used to have. To the best of my knowledge, the others have no clue what we do. I fully believe that they wouldn't understand; which is why Yohji approached me, and not a more…agreeable person.

 

 

How Yohji knew that I would not be opposed to the idea of sleeping with another man, I have no clue. Women do nothing for me; I knew this back when I was Ran. There was a boy, we worked together…but he never knew. I'm fairly certain that he thought Aya-chan was my girlfriend...I never had the chance to set him straight…But since then, the thought of feeling anything beyond neutrality for another male had been impossible, until one night not long after we had moved into another permanent residence as Weiss. At this point, Yohji and I had been working our deal for about three or four months. Everything had been going just the way he promised; emotionless sex without discussion or questions.

 

 

It was the middle of winter, and I'd been left alone for a rare night of blessed peace. Ken and Omi were out working a mission that only required the two of them; Yohji had disappeared the day before, and we hadn't heard a thing from him. I truly wasn't fussed; he could handle himself. Making the most of having the house to myself, I was curled up in front of the living room fireplace. Half-asleep, I heard the massive crash of the front door being slammed back into the wall, and the thud of a body dropping into the building. My instinctive thought was that the mission had gone wrong, and one or both of my teammates got hurt. I certainly didn't expect the sorry sight that greeted me upon stepping into the hall.

 

 

There was Yohji, sprawled out half inside the doorway, still half out in the cold. He was peacefully sleeping away, without a care in the world, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes. I still remember my initial thought upon seeing him: 'This bastard, goes out on a bender, then drags himself to the house and disrupts my night? I should leave him here to freeze.'

 

 

Then I caught a glimpse of his face, and everything changed.

 

I couldn't figure out how I felt at the time. I understand now what emotions were running through me at the site of his blue lips and swollen, bruised face; but this knowledge came only through hindsight. I was hit by an undeniable urge to fix him, hold him, return to him his previous perfection. As it was, I picked him up, with effort, from the floor, debating whether his bed or the fireplace was the smarter option. The fire won out, being closer and warmer. Surprisingly at the time, I wasn't bemoaning the thought of my night of isolation being over. I would never have admitted it at the time; but having Yohji with me, even drunk, unconscious and injured, was preferable to wallowing in misery and guilt alone.

 

 

In a move that should have sent warning bells through my brain, after propping him by the fireplace, I simply sat across from him, watching the colour return to his features. It didn't even occur to me to check him for further injuries, something that would usually be first in my methodical working pattern. It was not until I heard a car's tyres screeching outside that I remembered the door was open, and it was only when I got up to close it that I remembered about possible injury. I can recall berating myself for getting so distracted, only I didn't have the faintest clue why I was so out of sorts. The storm of emotions inside me was without precedent, and I couldn't separate it into individual feelings. I decided to put my energy into first aid, not worrying about myself.

 

 

Yohji had woken up when I got back to him, and I was mentally kicking myself for not considering the possibility of concussion. I needed to get him to talk to me, about what had happened, about whether he had more injuries beyond his clearly bashed-up face. I placed myself next to him, but it didn't seem to register; his eyes were open, but I could tell that not much was going on inside his brain. It was here that one emotion began to stand out from the rest: I was actually worried about Yohji, fearful for his health and safety. Naturally, I dismissed this as being concern for his ability to perform on missions, nothing more. I had to physically grab his chin and turn his face for him to acknowledge my presence, and this scared me. It was then that I realised something was truly wrong; not with him, but with me.

 

 

I'd broken my vow to myself to stay closed off from the world, and let no one in.

 

 

I knew, in the moment that I looked into his unfocused, wavering eyes, that I felt an incredibly strong…affection for Yohji. It transcended our casual fucking; it was a completely separate entity. But it broke the terms of our agreement. And it only got worse from here.

 

 

"Ay-Aya? How did you get here? Where…Where am I?" He sounded completely out of it, like a lost little puppy. The worry I now realised I was feeling grew and strengthened.

 

 

"Yohji, you're at home. You fell in the door, and now you're in the living room. Where did you go, what happened to you?"

 

 

"I…I had to go see her grave…I had a dream that she…Oh God, Aya, it's all my fault! What happened to her…it was all because of me! If I hadn't told her to go, she wouldn't have gotten shot, and then Takatori wouldn't have gotten his hands on her, and then I'd be…I'd be HAPPY, Aya!"

 

 

The thought of him sitting there, crying his eyes out as he lamented upon his lost lover, still makes me feel ill. I feel even worse, though, when I remember what happened next.

 

 

"I don't deserve to be happy, Aya! I'm a terrible, evil person…so many people have died because of me…'SIN'…it's true, all of it's true…I live in sin, I am of sin, and I'll never escape it…I'm evil, pure and simple! Only an evil person could kill the woman they love, and I've done it twice. What does that make me? I'm nothing but scum, worse than scum, the kind of person that Kritiker should be hunting, not employing!"

 

 

Even though he was saying my name, I could tell that he wasn't talking to me. His tears were flowing, seemingly endless, his voice oddly clear, considering the amount of alcohol he must have consumed, and his time spent beaten in the freezing cold. I know that it's terrible, a horrid thing to say, but seeing Yohji so vulnerable and open…I completely fell for him in that moment. He was spouting off about being evil, and I loved him for it...what did that say about me? Yes, I loved him, and I still do love him. He can never know.

 

 

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I'm alone, once again. Yohji's long gone from my bed and I'm…empty. This started off as a simple way to deal with annoying, natural urges. I should have guessed that it wouldn't stay that way for long. Emotionless sex depletes your soul when one party isn't as emotionless as they should be. Every time we fall into bed, a part of me dies. I don't know how much longer I can go, lying to him constantly, but if I tell the truth, this will all stop. If I tell the truth, he won't want anything more to do with me. If I could never have any more physical contact with him, I would just…stop existing. There would be nothing left to tie me to the physical world; no connections to living people. Our lives gather value from the worth other people hold of us…if my only value is to kill, because my ability to make Yohji happy is gone, then I am death itself, and I am as good as dead.

 

 

I don't want to stop having sex with Yohji…but I don't want to continue this ridiculous charade, where I pretend to feel nothing for him. I used to pride myself on my ability to repress all feelings, to remove all human weakness. It worked whilst I had something to live for…now, it fails me. I'm in love with a man who is satisfied with using me as a sexual meat sheet, because he's still chasing the phantom of a girl who died, but keeps haunting both his sleeping and waking hours.

 

 

This fact brings up a certain resentment within me…as the parts of me that can still love die off with every meaningless fuck, they are replaced by malice and misery. Emotionally, Yohji and I are further apart now than we were before we became physically close. My love for him brings hatred for him, a battle of emotion that tears us apart more each time we come together. And yet…he knows nothing. In his eyes, I am the same as I ever was; a man that feels lust without love, someone happy to live their life without forming emotional attachments. I want to tell him how I feel, open my heart and ask him to accept it, while returning the favour and taking his sins into my soul. But I can't do it, and my inner turmoil is screwing up any vague chance of a real friendship that we have.

 

 

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Another day, another mission, another tension release. This time, it's his bed, and he's inside me, filling me…killing me. I can't do this any longer; it hurts, an emotional pain so bad that it's almost become physical. I have to get out of this room, get away from this horrible, meaningless screwing around. Yohji's so lost in the moment, he hasn't realised what I'm about to do. When I pull myself off him, removing my body from its perch on his groin, he finally notices my reluctance.

 

 

"Aya, what's wrong? Where are you going? Don't leave me like this, man! What's up? Aya!" Huh. You'd almost be fooled into thinking that he felt something for me, with that little show of compassion. I know better, though.

 

 

"Don't…Just don't talk to me, Yohji. Leave me be, don't make me hurt any more than I already do." With this, I drag my pants back on, leaving his room without even thinking to check if the other two are around. Luckily, they aren't, and I try to remain dignified as I hurry back to the sanctuary of my own rooms. I can't keep this farce going any longer. If I keep going to Yohji for sex, I'll never be able to rid myself of the useless affection I hold for him, an unforgivable weakness that might just get me killed one day.

 

 

If we end this ridiculous 'relationship', I can go back to being the empty, ruthless killing machine that I was before. I'll be dead inside, but that's all I deserve. An assassin doesn't deserve the company of the living, because he is not one of them. That's why Aya-chan washed her hands of me…she is much less foolish than the naïve and idealistic Sakura, and saw what I do for what it really is. Kritiker claim that the 'Dark Beasts' deserve to die; Aya-chan and I know that this doesn't justify murder. She ran away to America, saying that she couldn't bear to see the evil man 'Aya' in the body of her beloved brother 'Ran'. I don't blame her. That was the final straw for me, and the last remaining parts of Ran buried themselves that day, far beneath the impenetrable shield of ice that I built for Aya. I thought that Ran may have been recovering when I fell for Yohji, but the damage of unrequited love and meaningless sex is beyond repair.

 

 

"Aya, open this door! I want to know what you meant! I never wanted to hurt you, what did I do?"

 

 

I knew that he'd come eventually, demanding answers that he won't want to hear. We can't keep this up. I have to let go, so that I can remove all emotion and return to being ruthless and cold. Yohji's bad for me, a detrimental influence that will most probably lead me to my death. My physical death, not my emotional one. I will rid myself of Yohji and this completely useless 'love'. The first step…is ending this, and ending it now.

 

 

I stand up from my bed and open the door, Yohji standing just outside with a look of utter confusion on his gorgeous face. There's a slight hint of anger, and it's only going to grow as I speak. He's not going to like this; but it won't be hard for him to find another body, another person to satisfy his physical needs whilst his mind still searches for Asuka. Someone who can stop themselves from forming attachments that will lead only to pain. He's about to speak; I cut him off.

 

 

"Yohji. I can't do this anymore. It's been fun, but it's over. That's all I have to say."

 

 

He's speechless, probably for one of the first times in his life. If Yohji thinks that he's coming through this door to talk about it, he's got another thing coming. I no longer want to speak to him, see him, hear him. That's the only way that I can save myself…and him. I don't want to be Asuka's substitute; I want to be her replacement. But I can't be that, because Yohji won't let me, and it's useless to wish. If there's one thing that tragedy after tragedy has taught me, it's that words are useless, wishing is futile, and prayers always go unanswered. Only actions can help us help ourselves. And right now, I need to act and get Yohji away from me. That's what is best for both of us.

 

 

He still hasn't said a word; I close the door in his face, the light from the hallway receding until I'm left alone, in the darkness. The perfect metaphor for the love that I am attempting to rid myself of.

 

 

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We have not said more than a few words to each other since I closed my door on him three and a half weeks ago. A few short queries while working; that's all. I still can't believe that Kritiker placed us into another flowershop after we left that van behind us, although I suppose that we know how to work it effectively as a cover, the four of us having done this for many years. I don't know how much longer we'll be four, though, as I believe that Omi will soon be called to reign as the new 'Persia'; becoming just another piece of Takatori scum in doing so. Takatori…the name of the family that has hurt my life so much…Reiji, tearing apart my family…Shuichi, tearing apart my conscience until only a killer remains…Masafumi, tearing Yohji apart by using Neu against him…

 

 

Yes, I still love Yohji. Time and distance has done nothing to lessen the ache, only seeming to make it worse.

 

 

How long will I have to live like this? How long will it take, until I can rid my mind of his presence, and stop the ache? My mind knows that this is folly, chasing a man obsessed by a long-dead ghost. My heart fights on, willing my brain to continue the struggle. My body…is rebelling against the return to celibacy. Yohji's presence in the same room is enough to give me goosebumps, and his voice alone can make me half hard. I've managed to avoid being around him, but I cannot, and will not, hide from him forever. Right now, though, I refuse to be caught alone with him. I will not risk having my traitorous heart and body overruling my mind. I will purge my soul of this man, and remove this curse that plagues me…love. What a useless emotion.

 

 

I'm retreating to the blissful silence of my room. Yohji hasn't been spotted for a few hours, so I am assuming that he's gone out somewhere, probably to find a new fucktoy. Wouldn't be hard, with looks like his…

 

 

I'm barely three steps inside my door when it happens. I see a glimpse of a tall figure coming out from the darkness, hear my door slam behind me, and then I'm roughly pushed back against it, while hands slam into the wood beside my head. This is the closest I've been to Yohji since we stood at this doorway last time, and my body rapidly goes into overdrive. My heart is beating like I've been sprinting; I'm almost certain that he should be able to see my shirt moving from the force of it. I'm completely certain, though, that he can feel my erection against his leg. If his voice gets me partly hard, then having him pressed up against me, dangerously close, is almost enough to make me lose control. I can't afford to lose control.

 

 

"You've been avoiding me, Aya. I want answers."

 

 

His last word is hissed out, the venom dripping from his tone almost tangible. I can't look him in the eyes, if I tilt my head back it will be too close to kissing. He hasn't moved, chest still pressed up against mine. Why does he care, there was nothing between us! I think he's just pissed that he got…well, that I rejected him, frankly.

 

 

"I don't see why this is a big deal. There were never any emotions between us. Leave me be, Yohji. I don't want us to fuck anymore, got it?"

 

 

It's a desperate struggle to keep my voice level and strong. God, why can't he just let me follow my downward spiral at my own pace? Must he make my journey faster?

 

 

"Huh, Aya, I'm not an idiot. I know you're lying to me. This isn't about feelings, it's about you being a fuckin' idiot and trying to blame me for something I haven't done! And I can tell that you do want to fuck; or at least, your body does. You're panting and hard…that's a pretty sure sign you want me."

 

 

"Just GO, Yohji!"

 

 

"You're a coward. Did I get too close to you? Is the human contact too much for you? Whatever, I don't care. Just stop being such a selfish little prick about it!"

 

 

The sudden removal of his body heat leaves me cold. I barely notice his fist closing around my shirt and spinning me from the door, because my mind is a whirlwind of chaos and pain. The door opens and closes, and I'm alone once again. A few steps back, and I'm sliding down against the wall until I'm sitting on the ground, trembling ever so slightly. Yohji…he means too much to me…I can't let him go…this has all gone too far.

 

 

I can't resist- I slowly pull open the front of my jeans and stroke the erection that Yohji left me with, losing myself in fantasies of his full lips and hard cock. A feeling of loss fills me, accompanied by the shedding of a single, slowly falling tear.