Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Razorblade Romance ❯ Track 002: Poison Girl ( Chapter 2 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Track Two: Poison Girl
 
 
I did it all, just for her;
I did it all just for her.
And love's heart is death,
For me and my poison girl.
 
 
Prey she was, for the cruelty of love
While its serpents inside crawled straight towards her heart.
And the coldest kiss; love ceased to exist
While we grew apart, like never before!
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
That selfish, egotistical, cold-hearted, fuck-witted son of a BITCH! Won't even take five seconds to give me a goddamned explanation as to why he's suddenly shutting me out! I know that we didn't have a proper relationship or anything, but when you fuck someone regularly for almost a year, it's just plain rude to suddenly start ignoring `em! Should've known, really, seeing how schizo that bastard is on the best of days.
 
 
Actually, what pissed me off the most was when he started yelling about me…hurting him? What the Hell was that about? I've hurt a lot of people in my life, but I don't think Aya's one of them. I wasn't the one who ran away in the middle of sex! I mean, I like it when my partners get off, but…not like that!
 
 
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just doomed to have everyone leave, even guys who have no emotional attachments. I thought that Aya was gonna be a pretty safe bet, that he wasn't likely to go find someone else, and abandon me. The guy's a freaking anti-social recluse, doesn't have any friends, and barely leaves the house. What could be better for a fuckbuddy? I doubt that he even has feelings, so I wasn't even worried about this dissolving into `love' or anything else as ridiculously painful.
 
 
I never approached him out of love. This was never about how I feel towards him. Really, if I'm being perfectly honest, it wasn't even about sex. Sure, I pitched the idea to him like it was just sex, but I think both of us knew that…it was something different.
 
 
It was about human contact, physical closeness. The exact reason why I used to go out and pick up a new chick nearly every night. I'm a social creature, I can't stand going without human contact, it reinforces the fact that I'm…alive. The feel of a person, a woman or a man, sweaty and writhing underneath me, can make me forget the blood and the death.
 
 
Afterwards, the pain returns; but for a few blissful moments, nothing matters but release. I realised that Aya was perfect for me to do this with, because he would understand! He knows what it's like to live by killing. He knows what it's like to have nothing left…to lose the only person you still held love for…
 
 
Yes, but our situations are different. His sister is still alive, scared off by the heartless murderer her brother became when she was asleep. My Asuka…she's dead…and it's all because of me, and my stupidity. Twice, I should have saved her, could've fucking saved her but…I didn't.
 
 
Her ghost won't let me forget it, either. Every night I see her…her face, once warm and beautiful, grows cruel and cold; she taunts me…
 
 
“What kind of a man are you? Couldn't even protect one little woman…you're the one that doesn't deserve to live!”
 
 
“You'll never find anyone who will love you like I did. You reek of death; no one wants to touch you, they can sense the blood on your hands…my blood…”
 
 
Why would I choose an idiotic fool like you, when I was by the side of a god like Masafumi? Face it, Yohji; you were never going to measure up to perfection like that.”
 
 
The nightmares are the reason why I never slept in the same bed as Aya. I can just imagine the look of scorn on his face if I woke up with him, screaming Asuka's name as she killed me, night after night…everything would just become so much worse…I have no idea what he thinks about us never sleeping together. We don't talk about stuff like that. We barely talk about anything! He doesn't know about my nightmares. I don't know if he has nightmares himself…probably doesn't. I'd definitely think he was a robot of some sort if I hadn't been clenched many a time by his all-too-human inner muscles...
 
 
I don't think that he'd believe me if I told him that, in all the time we were screwing around, I never once tried to believe I was with…someone else…or even thought about banging another person. I'm not as desperate for sex as the others seem to think. One person is enough for me, and always has been. I only used to have so many different women (and men) because the thought of becoming attached to someone was…terrifying. It still is; which is why, when Aya agreed to my little plan, I had no worries about us getting too close. I knew that he'd never let something like that happen. And the point of sex, for me, is to forget about the past, not relive it. Seeing her gives me no pleasure.
 
 
I don't think that I'll ever be able to have another proper relationship. It's not just because of the unpredictable assassin's life; every time the thought of getting close to someone crosses my mind, it's not long before I catch a glimpse of blue hair out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes, it's a flash of slim curves that are so familiar, before they disappear into thin air. Even seeing her at my door, messy and bloodied…I think I've terrified Omi a lot with that particular mistake. It's not just my dreams that she inhabits. I see Asuka's ghost in reality, and it scares the shit out of me.
 
 
I'm not a devoutly religious man; I've never been one for superstition. The whole `sin' thing is really just the easiest name for a concept I, well, that I don't really get. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that I'm going to be burning in whichever level of Hell is left for guys who murder their girlfriends twice. I mean, most people only get to do it once, max. Guess I'm just lucky that way.
 
 
I reckon that's why she's haunting me. Well, I guess that it's not always Asuka. Sometimes, it's Neu. I can just feel it. And, just for a bit of variety, Maki joins to party occasionally.
 
 
Even in my dreams, I never see any of the others I've killed over the years as Weiss. None of the “Dark Beasts” pay me a visit. The ones who deserve to die stay away. It's only the three…the three girls that I couldn't save…well, I guess it's the two that I could never save. I don't know how he did it, I don't know why he did it, but I know, I just KNOW, that Neu really was Asuka. He brainwashed her or something, but they are…were the same person.
 
 
That's what makes it so much worse. Her physical body didn't die back when I was 19…but Asuka herself did. And it's all because of me. First, I thought that it was sheer good luck that kept me alive, stopped those Liott guards from seeing me. Now, I'm not so dumb. It was sheer bad luck that stopped me from dying with my true love. I didn't get to kill her completely the first time; so some vindictive god bastard decided to let me take another crack at it nearly three years later. They let me live to torture me, destroy me. It wasn't enough just to kill Asuka. Something wanted to shred me apart, little by little, until nothing was left but a shell of a man who needs another body to feel anything.
 
 
When I first saw the face of the masked Schreiend member, I thought I was hallucinating. That the hard drug use of my teen years was coming back to get me in a bad way, or that the killing was making me crazy. How could Asuka, my beautifully kind Asuka, be part of an assassin team? I told myself that my eyes were lying to me. I was truly convinced that I'd seen wrong.
 
 
But then, along came `Kyoko'. She looked so much like Asuka…It was only her personality that stopped me from believing they were one and the same. When she attacked me, and I realised that the one I'd fucked was Neu, all my little delusions about Asuka being truly dead started to crumble.
 
 
For the first time in a long while, I started to hope. I actually thought that I could get Asuka back from whatever spell she was under, that'd made her become Neu. I mean, the name itself was a dead giveaway! If she was `new', then she must've been Asuka before. There wasn't any other explanation for something like this. I saw the way they looked at me when I was caring for her. Like I was nuts, a fool for daring to believe. But I could just sense something in that girl, something that was purely…Asuka. I wanted to bring her back to me, return the best thing I've ever had.
 
 
I thought I had her, too. Until something happened, and it was like a switch got flipped. I killed her. I killed the only important person in my life, and did it so damned easily that I terrified myself. When she attacked, I knew it was Asuka in there somewhere. I told myself that I wanted to put her out of her misery, because whatever was left of my Asuka would be crying about what Neu was doing.
 
 
That can't really be why I did it, though. I can lie to myself as much as I want, but there's only one real explanation. I have to be pure evil, that's gotta be the truth. I could feel my partner in that body; and I still took her life. What kind of a man does that sort of crap? A cowardly, evil little piece of shit, that's what. I don't deserve to be anything more. I don't even deserve to live, and enjoy what life has to offer. But I don't deserve to die, and be released from the torment of my life.
 
 
This is all some sort of divine punishment, torture from whatever spirit overlooks slutty killers. It has to be. There's nothing good about me; I'm a completely immoral, borderline alcoholic, love-destroying murderer. I can't even sexually satisfy another cold-hearted assassin without pissing him off eventually. I'm surprised we lasted this long, actually. It was almost becoming routine to have Aya to turn to on times of physical need. Which is why it was gonna have to end this way eventually. Face it; I'm never going to be able to keep another human near me.
 
 
The headlights of a passing car bring me back to the present, out of my thoughts. The light moving through my dark, empty room shows exactly what I've been reduced to. What happened to me? It wasn't real long ago that I was Yohji Kudoh, sexy playboy who was notorious in all the best clubs. I'd slept with every hot girl in the city, and a few of the best-looking guys! I'd drink, fight and fuck every night…well, most nights.
 
 
Now? It's Saturday, and I'm alone after screaming at and then rubbing up against a guy who thinks…knows that I'm scum. I haven't been to a club or a bar in months. I last got drunk…hmmm…would have been at least a couple of weeks ago, and that was alone, in my room.
 
 
Fuck it; it's not even midnight yet. I'm going out. Gotta prove that I can still do it. Yeah, I'm gonna get out my tightest, lowest-cut pants and strut right on down to the night scene here. Pick up a chick or two; definitely aiming for two. I'm not planning on coming back here until tomorrow, and then I'm crawling into my own bed and sleeping `til Sunday night. I used to be able to do it; there's no reason why I can't now. I haven't screwed anyone but Aya since we started messing around, but if he's gonna be such an asshole towards me, I'm off to find someone who might appreciate the one night we spend together. Hell yes, time to shake up this crummy place. I'm back on the scene, baby!
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
I don't know why I haven't done this in so long! It feels awesome to be back out, actually socialising with people…normal people, who don't have to fight freaks, crazy old guys and the friggin' American army. With them around me, it's easy to pretend that my life is just like it was, before Weiss, before…Wait, what am I doing? There's booze, loud music and flesh-flashing chicks everywhere. It's all about the now! Let's see…how about an old classic of a game? Sit by the bar, and see how long it takes to get hit on. Wonder if I can beat my record of 83 seconds; that became one Hell of a night…
 
 
I make my way over to the bar, falling right back into my old skills of getting through the crowd without looking pushy or aggressive. This stuff is like riding a bike.
 
 
“What'll it be, gorgeous?”
 
 
“Just a scotch and coke, thanks Love.”
 
 
No, the bartender doesn't count in this little game. Not that I haven't fallen into bed with my fair share of them. It's just that…Hello!
 
 
“What's a sexy guy like you doing here on your own? If the girlfriend stood you up, then she's definitely not worth it…”
 
 
Mental checklist: Female, gorgeous, blonde and I haven't had her before. Score!
 
 
“There's no girlfriend, but she'd definitely be ditched in a second for you,…?”
 
 
“It's Claire. What a coincidence; there's no boyfriend either. Keep a lonely girl company?”
 
 
Seventy six seconds; a new Kudoh record! And the crowd goes wild. This one's truly beautiful, too. Judging by the accent, I'd have to say British. Plus, she doesn't look a thing like…it's not important.
 
 
“You didn't even have to ask, Claire. I'm Yohji; let's dance.”
 
 
I reach out and take her hand, gently leading her out onto the floor. Some fast-paced, industrial dance song blares out from all directions; the female vocals dripping with promise and sex. The crowd around us swells and pulses, pushing us closer together with every electronic whirr of the song.
 
 
It's not long `til we're pressed flush against each other, moving to the sound of the beat. She gives me a wicked grin and leans up to speak right into my ear.
 
 
“This place is making me feel a little too…hot. You wanna get out of here?”
 
 
I'm guessing that the smile on my face matches hers right now. I simply nod at her, and put my arm around her waist to lead this new conquest back into the night.
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Asuka…can't I just have one night where you don't come after me? A familiar scenario; I'm shackled to a medieval-style dungeon wall, and Asuka-Neu keeps walking up to me, laughing, and disappearing back into the darkness in front of me. I know that I'll only have to dream for a little while longer before she comes back with a gun, or my own wire…returning the deaths that I've put upon her…Yes, here she comes, right on time…
 
 
“Well, Yohji. You thought that you could bury my memory inside the filthy body of some club whore? Let me tell you something, again. No one else will ever have you like I did. You're my bitch, it's plain to see. I'm dead, but still…you belong to me. No one else. So, I think that you deserve a punishment…”
 
 
Gun? Wire? Gun? Wire?...Wire. I must say, it's been a while since I've had this dream. It's played out many times before, though; she'll approach, bringing out the wire from her…MY watch. I'll put up a token struggle, but it won't do any good. She'll choke the life out of me, all the while mocking me and asking if I now realise how she felt when I did it to her.
 
 
“It's time for you to learn what it's like to feel the bite of your own weapon.”
 
 
The watch, identical to the one sitting on my chest of drawers, clicks open to reveal a spool of garrotte wire…She steps forward, her footfalls making no sound on the stone floor. She's so close now that I can feel her breath; it smells of death and decay. She grabs the back of my head so hard that it hurts, and I can practically feel the hair ripping out.
 
 
“You're at my mercy, Yohji. Helpless…worthless…useless…”
 
 
She presses her cold lips to my own- she tastes like poison, as if her mouth is a deadly trap intended to kill. It's an emotionless kiss, a simple, cruel parting gesture before she slaughters me. Again. I brace myself as I hear the gentle swish of wire being pulled from its home, deciding to not even put up a fight. If I don't provide her with a struggle anymore, maybe she'll get bored and stop intruding on my dreams.
 
 
“Goodnight, baby. See you in Hell.”
 
 
It's almost over. I'll wake up soon, just before the life drains out of me. Here it comes…Yes, I hear the sounds of choking, breath leaving the body but not coming back in…It's not me. Dream-me can still breathe fine…Oh God, my hands are around Asuka-Neu's neck, and I can't let go. My bare fingers are crushing her fragile windpipe, the chains from my wrist having fallen into dust somewhere along the line. She's opening and closing her mouth, gasping like she's trying to speak…
 
 
“Y-..Yo-…Sto-o-o-pp…”
 
 
I can't bear to watch. I close my eyes against the sight of myself killing her once more…this has never happened in a dream before…I feel Asuka-Neu go slack under my grip, and I open my eyes to the sight of pale skin and long…blonde...?
 
 
Shit, what've I DONE? Oh God, God, no…The woman from last night…Claire…she's lying under me, unconscious…Fuck, I hope she's only unconscious, pulse? Thank fuck, it's there; faint, but there. Ugly bruises are already starting to form on her once-flawless neck, I have to get out of here…there shouldn't be enough information for her to go to the police, Kritiker would probably `forcibly retire' me if they knew I was strangling innocent women…a mentally fucked assassin isn't generally smiled upon.
 
I drag myself off her bed, quickly throwing on my clothes to fake some sort of normality. I have to go before she regains consciousness, even I can't talk my way out of this…Why did I have to go out? Why didn't I just apologise to Aya, and keep to the status quo? I just fucking knew that something ridiculous was going to go down. I think I can find my way out, we pretty much went straight from the front door to the bedroom…yes, here it is…thankfully I didn't drink much, so I know exactly where I am. It should only take about twenty minutes to get back to the house, a house full of people who won't let me strangle them…fuck. I've really done it this time.
 
 
Asuka…haven't I suffered enough? Why did you have to involve this poor woman, she could never even come close to replacing you. If you want me dead, just kill me…let me die, let me stop the dreaming and the tears. I can't do it myself…please…
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
I've only barely managed to stop myself from laying down in a gutter to die of exposure, and dragged myself into the house…I can't go to my rooms. I can't be alone right now; but I couldn't stay with innocents, they can't protect themselves from whatever I might do…I need someone like me, someone who won't die so easily at my hands…
 
 
This is a familiar door, at the end of a familiar walk down a familiar hallway. I've been in this room a lot, but never for something like this…It's four in the morning, and he'll probably kill me, but…the only person who can possibly help me, be it through listening to me or putting me out of my misery…he's behind this door…
 
 
I don't bother knocking, or speaking. He'll know, when I open the door, that someone's there. I just pray to whatever god I have to that it's unlocked. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, putting out one last wish to the universe. Placing my hand on the doorknob, I quietly turn it and hope that I don't meet the resistance of a lock. It continues to turn smoothly, and I slowly push the door open.
 
 
I hear movement from inside the room, and when I look up, Aya is crouched on the opposite side of his bed in a fighting posture. Even in my messed-up state, I can admire his reflexes and assassin skills. He's a truly amazing man.
 
 
“Kudoh? What the fuck are you doing? It's…after four a.m! Get out!”
 
 
He actually looks shocked. Well, I suppose we never did anything but fuck…We barely speak, and it's not like we ever got together outside of missions and sex…Why am I here? I have to go.
 
 
“I…Sorry, Aya…I don't know what I'm doing…I'll go, sorry about waking you up…”
 
 
I turn around to walk out of the room, taking a moment to make sure I'll get there without falling over or something. I'm just about to open his door again when I feel an arm on my shoulder. It sits for a second, and then retreats like it was never there.
 
 
But I know that it was there.
 
 
“Yohji…there's obviously something wrong. Talk.”
 
 
To anyone else, that'd seem rude, like Aya was saying it out of duty instead of actual care. But I've known him for years, and…maybe I'm not just a body to him…
 
 
I sit at the foot of his bed, propped against the frame. He sits at the opposite end, looking almost…relaxed. His face seems tired, but those violet eyes are alert and intense. The look in them tells me to speak.
 
 
“I almost ki-…Aya, I nearly killed an innocent girl tonight. I woke up from a dream with my hands around her neck. I'm losing my mind…I need help…”
 
 
He doesn't speak. We sit in silence, but I can feel him watching me intently. He didn't seem freaked at my speech; I guess his icy façade is so well-practiced that it takes something major to move it. And me going crazy obviously isn't major.
 
 
“I don't know why I'm telling you this, but…it's all because of Asuka. Her, Neu, Maki…they haunt me. They're sending me insane…it's too much…”
 
 
Shit, I can't cry in front of Aya…no one's seen me cry since…Neu…it's hard, but I can't…shit.
 
 
“Yohji, you need to sleep. Go to bed.”
 
 
“I can't…can't be alone right now…I can't go out…”
 
 
I'm actually shaking…it's not cold, but I can't seem to stop trembling. I'm so goddamned weak…useless, just like Neu tells me, night after night…Aya's saying something, but he's mumbling under his breath and I can't make most of it out.
 
 
“…stupid…thinks…idiot fool…crashing…foolish idiot…waking…Alright, Yohji. If it'll shut you up for five minutes, get in. Get some sleep. We're not open tomorrow, so sleep properly and make sure that you will not be a danger to us.”
 
 
…I thought he was going to chuck me out on my ass, but instead…he invited me to stay…we've never slept in the same bed before. He's no longer looking at me, having gotten into the bed and rolled away. I pull myself up the bed, and quickly slide under the covers; I don't know how long Aya's gonna be this accommodating. I lay down on my back, keeping a respectable distance between us. I don't need contact. I just need to know that he's here.
 
 
I almost say `goodnight', but then think better of it. I feel…exhausted. The road to hell is long…my personal Kokoda…I may as well be rested for the journey in front of me.
 
 
The last thing I remember is Aya's breaths starting to even out, as the world turned black and I fell into the first dreamless sleep I can recall in a very long time.