Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Razorblade Romance ❯ Track 007: I Love You ( Chapter 7 )

***Sorry for taking so long to update this story, I couldn't get my school work done, my Manifest cosplay outfit done and this done, but I should be right to update sooner now (for a while). I hope that the time and POV jumps don't get confusing, but I have no inclination to simply retell Gluhen so it skips quite a lot. Feel free to yell at me if it doesn't work.

 

On another note: Welcome to the second half of this fic! ***

 

 

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Track Seven: I Love You

 

 

Can't you see, my darling?

That the harder I try, the more we grow apart.

Please believe me.

The sweeter the kiss, the colder turn your arms;

And the colder grows your heart;

And baby, more I love you.

 

 

I see it in your eyes; I feel it in your touch.

I taste it from your lips; and baby, more I love you.

 

 

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It all looks…so familiar.

 

 

The house that serves as the main base for Weiss, that I haven't seen for the best part of a year...It's almost like the world froze while I was away, bar the longer grass on the front lawn. It's almost like the past months were nothing but a dream, a horrible nightmare, and I've just woken up. And Aya…Aya will be asleep in my bed, without a care in the world.

 

 

It's almost that way.

 

 

But I really did go to another country; I really did shack up with a woman; and I really did kill her. There's nothing that will ever erase those facts.

 

 

Breathing deeply a few times, I hear Ken walking up behind me and I unlock the door with the key that floats into my vision just above my shoulder. My heart pounds…I have to find Aya. I have to see him, talk to him, just know that he's around!

 

 

I storm into the house, instinctively looking into the first door along the hall, the living room. Sprawled out on the couch is a young kid, who can't be more than fifteen or sixteen. He looks up at the racket, and I realise that he must be one of the new recruits…Sean? Sen? Oh, Sena. He sits up, looking slightly confused until he places who I am.

 

 

“Oh, hey! I'm…”

 

 

I cut him off. I really don't care about introductions; there'll be time for him later. After I see the redhead who's been running through my mind for God knows how long.

 

 

“Where the fuck is Aya?”

 

 

That came out harsher than I intended. The poor kid is taken aback, and Ken, who's come to stand beside me, whacks my spine and gives Sena an apologetic look. I still don't care, though.

 

 

“…He's in his room, I think.”

 

 

Sena recovers pretty nicely, I'll give him that. But he really could be more specific.

 

 

“His room, his room, or my room, his room?”

 

 

It's an important distinction, after all. But the kid's looking at me like I'm crazy, doesn't he know…Ah. He probably doesn't; it's not like Aya to go around broadcasting about us. Especially if he's furious with me, and…Oh, shit. Without another word, I'm off and out of the living room, hearing Ken start trying to repair whatever damage I just did to Sena's psyche. My room, the one we shared…share, is closer, so I check in there first.

 

 

I think, by this point, that I've said some sort of prayer to every god I can name, and a few dozen that I can't. My mind rushes into a fresh batch of pleas as I reach the closed door; which could mean that he is or isn't in there, `cause Aya's big on privacy and keeping the door shut.

 

 

Like a nervous child, I knock gently before pushing the door open. I've never knocked on my own door. My room…it looks just the same as when I left it, and it's an amazing relief to note that Aya's books still clutter up the shelves, and that some of his clothes are in a neatly folded pile on a chair.

 

 

But the reprieve is fleeting. The next things I notice are Aya's legs, stretched out along the carpet with the door blocking my view of everything above the knees. My mind flashes back to the morning I found him in his own room, passed out on the floor, blood covering him, his sword and his surroundings. I almost start to hyperventilate, pain tearing through me.

 

 

Did he know that I was coming home today? Can he really not handle the thought of seeing me? I've hurt him too much already, I can't bear the idea that I drove him to more pain…I can't let him die, I won't let him…

 

 

A quietly irritated voice breaks through my crazed mind, and I very nearly fall to my knees when it registers. As it is, I have to grab the door handle tighter to stay standing.

 

 

“What is it, Sena? Have you changed your mind about staying?”

 

 

Struggling to find my voice, I feel a wetness trailing down my left cheek. A mixture of relief, happiness, guilt and regret manifests itself in the form of a tear or two, a symbol of humanity that I really don't deserve.

 

 

“…No, Aya, it's…it's me. I'm back.”

 

 

There's silence, but I see those black-clad legs withdraw, and I can picture him crossing them beneath himself to gracefully rise from seated to standing. Letting go of my deathgrip on the door handle, I step around to meet him, to see him for the first time since I left for Europe.

 

 

When my eyes lock onto him, it's like someone punching me in the face. He looks…beautiful, for want of a more powerful word. Where I've been spiralling into neglect, he's been thriving, and it clearly shows. His body looks more filled out than the underweight bone-and-muscle frame he used to have…his skin has a healthier tone to it, and…I have to physically restrain myself from stroking his meticulously-dyed braid. It was an amazing length when I left, but in the last few months it's gotten ridiculously long. I didn't know that he could look any better than he already did, but as usual he's managed to surprise me.

 

 

I want to take him into my arms, hold him and tell him everything that happened and how much I love him, and never let him go. But there's something in his demeanour, the look in his eyes, which makes me swallow hard and restrain myself.

 

 

Something's wrong.

 

 

Years ago, just after Aya joined Weiss, he used to have a permanently detached expression on his face, as if he was on a completely different level to everything and everyone around him. Gradually, it began to soften; Hell, when his sister woke up, it damn near disappeared completely. It snapped back when she left, and it was only in our too-short month together that it started to fall away once more.

 

 

That expression…it's on his face now.

 

 

Standing less than two metres away from me, I can't see any emotions beyond Aya's protective, cold veil. I've…fucked up royally. It's all my fault.

 

 

“Good afternoon, Yohji.”

 

 

He nods once as he speaks in clipped, formal tones, and then moves forward to dodge around me and leave the room.

 

 

I outstretch my hand, for some reason trying to catch hold of the phantom image left behind by the man I used to call my lover.

 

 

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There's an abandoned building a few blocks from the Weiss house, and immediately I retreated here when I ran from Yohji. I have spent an unreasonable amount of time there over the last number of months, thinking about Yohji, thinking about my new position as official leader of Weiss, and thinking about how everything I'm involved with shrivels up and dies.

 

 

My entire life, people have told me that whenever I begin to feel like things are falling apart, I withdraw into my shell and remove myself from the outside world. They're entirely right; when my family was destroyed, I lost any interest in anything outside of my world of revenge. My teammates eventually drew me out…until Aya left. When she ran away, the shell was back.

 

 

When Yohji said he loved me, the shell broke. I thought that it was beyond repair, and was glad. Until he left me, too.

 

 

I built a new cage for myself, one which was stronger than ever before. I knew perfectly well that he had no choice but to follow orders and go to Europe to woo some slut, and yet my irrational mind taunted me into retreating from the pain.

 

 

I truly wasn't expecting him back today. No one bothered to inform me; not Rex, not Ken, not…Takatori. I don't blame Yohji for not telling me, because after all, I never contacted him. Even though he asked me to in his note. But I simply couldn't do it. My mental barrier meant that everything I tried to write came out sounding angry and antagonistic, and my hands would shake and my voice cracked if I tried to dial his phone number.

 

 

In the days after they all left, when I was alone, I came very close to shattering completely. I hadn't yet started teaching, and my solitude, which I used to revel in and seek out, felt like a crushing punishment.

 

 

I gained a few new scars in those first days, before I shut off from the world.

 

 

When Sena and Kyou arrived, they were met by what Ken and Yohji used to call `Aya the Ice Prince'. I threw myself into training them for Weiss with an intense discipline that was harsh on them, but allowed me to remove Yohji from my mind for hours at a time. As I began to infiltrate the Academy, my distraction continued, and I allowed myself to believe that Yohji meant nothing to me. My shell was complete.

 

 

I was, once again, the cold-blooded maniac that my sister sensed and fled from.

 

 

For God's sake, when Kyou died, I felt nothing. The impact of his death rebounded from my protective wall and quite possibly compounded with the depression that Sena was already feeling. I think that even Rex was horrified by my reaction, or lack thereof. The kid that I had lived with and trained to near-perfection…his death had no effect on my shield of ice.

 

 

Setting eyes on Yohji was the final straw for me. I looked at him, his eyes dull and tired, face gaunt, entire body neglected and fallen from its earlier majesty…it stirred no response in my mind.

 

 

My body reacted to him; the familiar scent and the faint shadow of his beauty heated my blood. But my mind felt no love, no hatred, no relief, no anger, not even a single drop of happiness.

 

 

I'm a heartless fool; trapped behind a wall of solid ice that even the sight of the man I…I loved, after so long apart, couldn't break apart.

 

 

I'm terrified of myself.

 

 

Sitting in the filthy back corner of this run-down building, the insects and disgusting creatures my only company…it's clear that I belong here. I've been dead for years; I just haven't disposed of my body yet. I had a brief reprieve with the emotion that I thought I felt for Yohji; but clearly that was just some sick joke, because otherwise, how could I have closed myself off so completely?

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, if I sit here long enough, I'll dissolve into dust and float down to join the dirt already covering this horrid building.

 

 

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It takes a few minutes before I can actually get my thoughts together enough to move. I have to find Aya; I know that he won't be in the house anymore, because I can remember easily enough that when he gets like this, he tries to go somewhere to be alone. I just…don't know where. I've never felt the need to go after him before.

 

 

Running back to the living room, I grab the door frame to swing around to where Ken and Sena are still talking.

 

 

“Sena! Where's Aya been going when he's being a sulky little bitch?”

 

 

Dunno why I think he'll know. Damn, he really must think I'm insane; he's got that look again.

 

 

“Bloody Hell, where's Manx? She's probably been keeping tabs. Is she coming in sometime soon?”

 

 

“Uhhh…Yohji, is it? Manx was replaced months ago. We have Rex now, and I don't know when she'll be here.”

 

 

Manx is gone? Holy fuck, what happened while I was out of here? Oh, shit, it doesn't matter. Aya…how can I find Aya…?

 

 

“Yohji, don't be such a stupid douche! If you stopped to think for five friggin' seconds, you'd remember that WE ALL HAVE TRACERS ON OUR PHONES.”

 

 

…Never thought that Ken would be my voice of reason. The computer's on and running the tracking program within moments, and I've narrowed down Aya's position. I know that address…an empty house. Just freaking typical; I should've guessed.

 

 

Ken's trying to say something, but I don't hear it as I run out the door. I'm barely even thinking as I head down the street as fast as I can, just focusing on the look in Aya's eyes and how I will get rid of it…if it's the last thing I do.

 

 

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I find Aya curled up in the corner of the disgustingly dirty house. He's not looking at me, and he seems so vulnerable that I have to kneel down beside him and slide my arms around his shoulders.

 

 

His entire body tenses, and he snarls like an abused animal.

 

 

“Get your arms off, Yohji. I don't want you to touch me.”

 

 

But there's something…there's something under the venomous tone, under the unwilling muscles, that feels like its reaching to me. He's crying out to be saved…there's some part of him that still loves me. I'm going to draw it out, and destroy the barrier he's put up around himself again.

 

 

I take my arms away from him, mainly to keep them in their joints in case he truly wants to hurt me, and slide down the wall next to him. I spare a quick thought for the condition of my new jacket, but it falls far below the importance of staying near Aya. He might act cold, but I've seen this before.

 

 

If I can show him how much I care, he'll draw out of his shell. I just have to wait him out, and I will. There's no one in this world as important to me as him…not even Asuka. I won't lose another lover…I'm going to get my angel of death back.

 

 

“I'm not going to let you leave, Ayan. I'll be here for you.”

 

 

He doesn't react; but I already know that I'm going to have to regain his trust. I love him, and I know that he loves me. I just have to let him admit it to himself once again. He shifts slightly, and a thin beam of light glints across his necklace…the necklace that was bought for him by me.

 

 

He wouldn't wear it if he didn't care…right?

 

 

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“Balinese, you'll be joining Abyssinian at the Academy. We've set things up for you to get in as the new art teacher…”

 

 

Blah, blah, blah. It's odd, and vaguely sickening, to hear the disjointed, mechanical voice over the projector and know that it's Omi. Or, well, the grown-up version of the kid I knew as Omi. And Rex isn't anywhere near as pretty as Manx or Birman; Takatori Senior had much better taste. Ken looked pretty surprised when I didn't immediately hit on her. Sena didn't notice anything, because he doesn't know anything. Aya…he just looked at me with the same look of cold disdain that he did yesterday, and then avoided my eyes right up until now.

 

 

The look he's shooting me at this point could freeze vodka. If possible, it's the coldest look I've ever seen him give me. Even when he woke up in my bed, beaten up and furious with everything and everyone, he didn't look this…dangerous.

 

 

“…Remember, you two don't know each other. That's all for today. I'll be back tomorrow.”

 

 

Rex finishes off the speech for…Persia, and with that, Aya's gone. Rex stares at his back, and I…well, I'm staring at his ass.

 

 

I can't help myself, okay? He makes one damned sexy teacher.

 

 

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Aya never eats meals with me. He only eats with Ken and Sena if I'm not there, and if I walk into the kitchen while he's in there, he'll be gone before I can speak. I'm trying my hardest to draw him back to me, but I can't…he runs before I can even think about starting.

 

 

Sometimes, if he's distracted, I can lay a fleeting touch on him; a brush to the arm, a press of my leg against his. He monumentally freaks out when I do, his skin and his eyes colder than ice.

 

 

It just makes me more determined. I won't let him hide away from the emotions I know he has to have somewhere under that shield, and I won't allow him to live the empty life he was heading for before we got together. I've seen something there, beneath the mask he wears, a flash of a passionate, loving man…It was so close to the surface before I had to leave. I haven't seen that vulnerable core again since, but…I will get him to realise that he needs to face up to his emotions.

 

 

It's clear to me that this happened because he was hurting, just like I was…I fell into alcohol, and he fell into himself. Just like we've both always done. Only this time, I'm here to drag him out into the world again. Why? Because I love him.

 

 

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I never thought that Yohji was this persistent. Why hasn't he just shrugged his shoulders and found someone else to chase? He's been practically stalking me for the last week…and it's only going to get worse.

 

 

He starts as the art teacher today…I'm going to be spending even more time with him.

 

 

Since I started teaching, it was almost like, for a few hours, I could pretend to be…normal. My life will never be anything like the average person's, but for those hours…

 

 

He's going to bring up things that I would rather forget. Whenever I see Yohji, the memories of what we did flood back, even if the feelings don't. The killing, the sex, the quiet moments where we were simply together, they all invade my memory and bring me back to the reality of my situation. I'm not really a teacher, I'm an assassin; an emotionless freak who can't even accept the fact that not everyone is out to hurt him.

 

 

That's why I've been trying to keep away from Yohji, even if he keeps trying to bring us closer together. He even has the gall to touch me, and it makes me shudder.

 

 

Not because he's the one touching me; with that I have no serious problems. It's that his touch doesn't bring back any of the feelings I was positive that I had for him. His touches, his voice, his smell, his very presence and even the mention of his name…it all just reaffirms how much of a monster I am. A thing, that was once human, worn away by the killing and the pain.

 

 

I wish he could save me…but I fear that there is no return this time. It's obvious that he's too damaged to save anybody; his nightmares are still there. More than once, I've heard him yelling out for Asuka at night, which still doesn't draw anything from me. Where it used to make me worry, ever so slightly…now it`s just another sign that what we had was never real.

 

 

At least…that's what my conscious mind tells me. I don't sleep very much; but when I do, I dream…I dream vivid recreations of mind-blowing sex with Yohji, perfect and untainted. I wake up hard and panting…and blank. My body reacts; my mind refuses to.

 

 

It's sending me insane.

 

 

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I've always been able to tell when Aya's pretending. He's very good at it, that's for sure, but I've always instinctively known when he's lying.

 

 

The smile and friendly greeting he gave me during our `introduction' in the staff room yesterday were clearly faked. It was amazing to see Aya actually relating to normal people, much better than he used to during undercover work, and how much the students seem to admire him. Hell, a couple of girls in my art class were giggling about `how totally gorgeous' the long-haired history teacher is.

 

 

I felt a burst of pride at that; I'm the one who's fucked him and loved him, and they have absolutely no chance of ever seeing the side of Aya that I have.

 

 

It all just serves to make me more determined to drag him, kicking and screaming if I have to, from his protective little cage.

 

I haven't made any progress; my stomach's badly bruised from attempting to corner him in the kitchen last night, and being decked for the trouble. I'm just glad that he doesn't wear rings.

 

 

There's no end in sight here. But there's one thing that I've decided to hold myself to; if he takes off the necklace I bought him, then I'll give up. That sole lifeline, the only physical thing I ever gave him…as long as he keeps it on, I'll keep going after him.

 

 

But…I have a new plan of attack. I'm working by my theory that the necklace means he still cares somewhere deep inside. One of the things that I learnt in my years of whoring around was that when you want someone to come after you…make them jealous.

 

 

I was given another mission task just before I started at the school. It's my job to seduce Tsuji Mayumi, another suspected Esset agent who teaches at the school. Makes me wonder if they've hired any actual teachers, really.

 

 

When I introduced myself to her, she tried to play the frigid bitch card. I've seen it all before; she's nothing more than a slut who pretends that she isn't. It was incredibly different to the coldness Aya shows me…I don't want to spend any time with her. But if I have to for the mission, I'll use her. Together, we'll show Aya how good life can be when you open yourself up.

 

 

Oh, God…it's disgusting. I never used to think about women like this. Sure, I had a lot of partners…but I treated them all with respect, and they all knew that I wasn't looking for long-term relationships. I never used them…but now, they all sicken me.

 

 

I can't help but blame Neu for this…all of this…Sometimes, I simply wish that I could forget her.

 

 

To erase thoughts of Neu and how she poisoned my memories of Asuka…I would give almost anything.

 

 

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I know that Yohji has been ordered to find out whatever he could about Tsuji. It means nothing to me. It's for the mission; I've been told to do the same thing with Asami, to befriend her and find out whatever she knows about the inner mechanics of the Academy.

 

 

Why, then, is my body heading towards the art classroom? Yohji's playful drawl bleeds easily into the open corridor, and her idiotic simpering does the same.

 

 

Before I truly realise it, I'm standing just away from the slightly open window of the not-quite-empty art room, listening to Yohji flirt his beautiful head off. Peeking inside, I see that he's painting her portrait…he sketched me once. He doesn't know that I know; he thought I was asleep at the time. Waking up to him drawing away made me feel…wanted. I stayed as still as I could until he put away his sketchpad, feigning sleep and making a big show of `waking up'.

 

 

I've never seen the actual picture…

 

 

“Those eyes…they are similar…”

 

 

“With who?”

 

 

“With a beautiful acquaintance of mine.”

 

 

Their conversation hits my ears. Suddenly…a dull thud begins somewhere inside my chest. It's faint…but it's there. I realise that he must be talking about Asuka; I've always hated hearing Yohji refer to her, even when it isn't directed at me.

 

 

“A girlfriend?”

 

 

“Not exactly…But I did have to wave a painful goodbye to her.”

 

 

He speaks with so much love in his voice…it's horribly obvious that he really is still in love with `her', with Asuka. I knew that already, but hearing him damn near say it…the finality is terrible. The dull thud strengthens, pounding out a pattern that speeds up with every passing millisecond.

 

 

My legs take me straight to the roof as my heart shatters wide open. I can almost feel the shell I painstakingly made falling apart, piercing through my skin and ripping it wide. My blood should be all over the ground, gashes cutting over my skin.

 

 

I asked for this to happen…but that thought doesn't occur to me. I fall to the ground, shaking, with thoughts of Yohji and a blue-haired woman I've never met spinning around my head.

 

 

He doesn't care about how I might feel…and it hurts. I still…Yohji…I still…I love him. And he doesn't care at all.

 

 

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Talking to Tsuji, I have to watch my words carefully. Still, I very nearly say the wrong thing…I did once wave a painful goodbye to a woman, but that isn't the scenario I'm thinking about as I paint.

 

 

Tsuji's eyes…the tint in them reminds me of someone else. Yes, I once loved a woman…but the last painful goodbye I said was to a closed-off, cold, dangerous, purple-eyed man. My beautiful acquaintance, Fujimiya Aya.