Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Razorblade Romance ❯ Track 008: Gone With The Sin ( Chapter 8 )

***Once again, I'm skipping a lot over the actual story of Gluhen. If you haven't seen Gluhen or get a little confused about what I'm skirting around here, I find this site quite good: http:// ayakreuz . tripod . com / weisssynopsis2 . htm (without all the spaces, obviously). Hopefully it all still makes sense, but I really don't want to spend a lot of time simply repeating what you've already seen. This chapter goes through some of the events of episodes 8 and 9. Only 4 more chapters after this one!***

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Track Eight: Gone With theSin

 

 

I love your skin, oh so white;

I love your touch, cold as ice.

And I love every single tear you cry;

I just love the way you're losing your life.

 

 

Oh, my baby, how beautiful you are;

And oh, my darling, completely torn apart.

You're gone with the sin, my baby,

And beautiful you are;

So gone with the sin, my darling.

 

 

I adore the despair in your eyes;

I worship your lips, once red as wine.

And I crave for your scent, sending shivers down my spine;

I just love the way you're running out of life.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

He hasn't been sleeping. He hasn't been eating. In the space of one week, one fucking measly little week, Aya's lost nearly all the health he showed when I finally got back. His face is drawn and pinched; his skin is getting that unhealthy pale white tone all over again; and his dyed hair is starting to look tacky instead of naturally vibrant. And yet…he still looks so heart-wrenchingly beautiful that I can't help but tear myself to shreds over the possibility that I'm enjoying his pain.

 

 

He's still refusing to be around me, outside of work. He'll put up a perfectly civil front at school; Hell, we even had a real conversation while walking through the halls of school the other day. But when we're outside of teaching or missions, he won't even make eye contact. Then again, how could he make eye contact when he's out the door seconds after I enter the same room?

 

 

He's falling apart, and it's all because of me and my stupid ideas.

 

 

This is why I had to help him, even though he'll be ready to murder me when he finally wakes up. I know for a fact that he doesn't sleep much; I can hear him pacing at night whenever I wake up from yet another nightmare. All I want to do is go over to his room and hold him until he finally falls asleep…but I know that he would lash out if I tried. That only left me with one option; tonight, I paid Ken a ridiculous amount of money to slip some goddamned powerful sleeping pills into Aya's food. I didn't know if it'd even work or not, but I had to try something to let him get some rest. I couldn't put them in there myself because he won't be around me, let alone accept food from me. So, I paid Ken and promised him that if Aya found out, I would take all the blame.

 

 

When I quickly snuck a look in through his door fifteen minutes ago, I was fully prepared for him to be awake and ready to beat me to a bloody pulp. It truly shocked me when he was fast asleep, fully dressed, the deepening lines in his face softening with relaxation. I've had these particular pills; the chances of dreaming while on `em are incredibly low, so he doesn't have to worry about the nightmares coming.

 

 

I'm simply kneeling at the side of his bed, running my fingers through his hair. He won't wake up, and he probably won't even know that I've been here. It hurts that the only way I can touch him is by secretly drugging him. Why did I have to go to Europe? Why did I have to do such stupid things? Why did I have to use…

 

 

…Tsuji.

 

 

I knew that it seemed too easy. I had to run surveillance on a woman; why not use the opportunity to wake Aya up to his feelings? Oh, and it worked, too. I wasn't sure when he simply let me go that night in the mission room; I didn't think that it would be Ken who would react. But then again…Aya never really has allowed anyone but me to see his true feelings. I think.

 

 

But then, when he slammed me up against the wall on the roof of the school…my heart hasn't pounded like that for as long as I can remember. The feel of his hand pressing into me had me hard in seconds, so I had to push him off before I tackled him to the ground in lust. Yeah, I said some harsh stuff, but there isn't any other way to get through to Aya; I knew that I had to push. It was working, just as I'd hoped.

 

 

And then I remembered everything that had happened that morning, and I had to leave. I fucked Tsuji. Why did I fuck her? That was never part of my plan…I don't even remember how it happened. All I recall is being inside her, and then coming to the realisation that I had my hands around her neck, just like I'd done a year ago to some anonymous woman.

 

 

I'd thought that I was over that stage; clearly, I was wrong.

 

 

It really messed me up, knowing how much of a danger I am to everyone. Even to a woman who I didn't care about at all; what if I did the same to someone I actually loved? Like…Aya…but then again, he'd have to accept me first. And now, it doesn't look like that will ever happen.

 

 

If he really does leave Weiss, the way that Ken told me he's thinking about…I don't think that I would live out the week, I really don't. It's hard enough having him ignore me; if he wasn't around at all, I think that I truly would stop existing.

 

 

Which is why…why I listened to Tsuji.

 

 

I know that she's evil; she's nothing but a lying bitch, an Esset whore like Shell was. But she's different from Shell. What she offered me…if Aya ever leaves, truly leaves Weiss, then my choices are to die completely, or to kill off the Yohji who has only ever loved and lost.

 

 

The `Forget' wine that she served me seemed like a novelty joke, a product to sell to those with regrets like mine. Then she took me to that laboratory…

 

 

I don't want to join Esset. But she said that I can erase everything…the pain, the suffering, everything horrible that I've ever done to the people I love. If Aya leaves me behind, then I won't have any choice but to leave him as well. Otherwise, it'll destroy me completely. I don't deserve the release of death.

 

 

My first thought was that she was lying. Trying to get me to betray Weiss so that she could kill us, or something clichéd along those lines. She seemed so sincere, though…

 

 

I drove around for hours that night. I weighed up everything that I've ever done, and whether it was worth remembering.

 

My conclusion? The only thing that keeps me sane these days is the brief glimpses I get of Aya. If he leaves…I will turn to Tsuji. If she can do what she says…

 

 

I can't help the tears that are sliding down my face. My hand moves down to Aya's face…he's so cold and pale…he looks like he's dying. Why did I tear down his shields? That just left him open to…I didn't know that he'd gotten so attached to the teacher he was following. I had to ask Ken to fill me in when he came home, eyes rimmed in red like he'd been crying non-stop for a long time.

 

 

When that woman was killed by Tsuji, it completely destroyed Aya's spirit. He can still be like ice when he's in Abyssinian mode, but all that's left of Aya is a quivering wreck of a man, one who would have been fine if I hadn't acted on my selfish desires.

 

 

He has to look out for himself, because he won't come to me or anyone else…I want to help him, I really do. But as usual, I'm completely useless.

 

 

All I wanted was to let him open up to care and love…but I took it too far, and all I did was hurt him.

 

 

That's why the idea of forgetting all the terrible things I've done is so damned attractive. I know that I should live with my sins, but they only seem to hurt the people around me. Maybe if I forget them, my terrible past won't hurt anyone else. It's a long shot…but if I can stop anything from hurting Aya ever again, I'll do it.

 

 

Tsuji said that I can forget what I want to; does that mean that I could leave Neu and Asuka behind, yet still remember everything that I've ever felt for Aya?

 

 

Can I?

 

 

…His face just moved under my hand. I don't want to leave him, but I have to, just in case the pills haven't worked right and he wakes up. Pushing things here might just turn him away from me completely.

 

 

Reluctantly, I pull my hand away from his face. I want to see his eyes, but that's just not possible right now. I want to see them sparkle with the love that they used to do months ago…I want to see him look at me with anything other than indifference or anger.

 

 

Those eyes…On the portrait that I painted of Tsuji…I wouldn't let her see it. That was because her eyes…they were the wrong colour. They are much more purple than hers are, because without even realising it, I painted Aya's gorgeous eyes instead of hers. The despair I've seen in them also came through…they didn't look a thing like Tsuji's.

 

 

When I tried to destroy the painting, I couldn't do it. Those eyes just kept looking out at me, haunting me. I've caused that look of pure suffering in them, and I'll just keep doing it with my infinite idiocy.

 

 

Leaving Aya's room, I see Ken standing in the hallway. I know that he'll have a look of pity on his face; I don't want to see it. I have no clue where the kid is tonight, and I don't care. He worships Aya, but he doesn't understand him. Only I can do that.

 

 

Without acknowledging that I've seen him, I pass by Ken and retreat to my own room.

 

 

I think that I can still feel Aya underneath my hand, his cold skin seeming like heaven after spending so long without touching him. I miss him; I truly do. But now that he's broken, I don't know if I'll ever be able to show him how much I still love him.

 

 

A fresh batch of tears runs down my face as I crawl into bed. Just like Aya, I'm still fully dressed; there's no point in comfort.

 

 

I don't deserve it.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The room spins around me as I wake up. Something's not quite right…I don't know what it is, but something feels wrong about this. Why am I sleeping in my clothes? I remember eating dinner with Ken and Sena, and then…

 

 

God, my head hurts.

 

 

I reach out beside me, searching for a clock to tell me the time. Instead, my hand lands on something rectangular…a book.

 

 

No; a day planner. Asami's planner. The one I bought her.

 

 

It all comes back to me; she's dead, and it's all because I was running about with Kudoh instead of assisting her.

 

 

With an exhalation of breath I drop back into my bed, ignoring the pounding sensation in my brain. None of this is Yohji's fault. I've never been in the habit of blaming others for my own mistakes, and I'm not about to begin. Especially not when the other person is Yohji.

 

 

He's been looking so haggard lately, like the weight of the world is crushing him.

 

 

A realisation hits me, and I can't help but dig my palms into my eyes. Yohji is always playing the martyr…he's probably blaming himself for everything that has happened. I haven't spoken to him since he was repeating the brainwashing nonsense that the Esset woman instilled in him; he'll never be able to lose his memories. I want him to live; I do love him the way that he is now, with the flaws and regrets that he holds. It's what makes him the person he is today.

 

 

But he doesn't know how I feel, and now he's probably going to do something stupid; I don't want him to end up with a collection of scars like mine.

 

 

I have to find him. I have to tell him everything; that it's not his fault, that I love him more than anything. Even if he doesn't feel the same because some Esset bitches have been fucking with his beautiful mind. Woah…my head spins once more, but I have to ignore it and get to Yohji's room.

 

 

Slipping out of bed, I only make it a few steps before I have to lean heavily against the wall from nausea. My mind is focused on one objective, making me concentrate like it's a mission. I don't care about the state of my own mind; I have to put Yohji's mind at ease.

 

 

He will hear me out, whether he likes it or not. Something still feels off about this whole situation…but it's Yohji that I care about.

 

 

…He'll take this uneasy feeling away.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

My eyes are closed, but sleep isn't coming. I'm trying to force the issue like I've done so many times before, but even when I'm awake the women in my life won't leave me alone. I can hear Asuka telling me to stay with Tsuji, and leave Aya alone. I don't want to do that, Asuka! Why are you trying to make me…

 

 

…I would swear that my door just opened quietly. Wow, I must really be going insane this time; no one would be dumb enough to come and see me right now. Ken wouldn't want to be torn a new one, and Sena tries to avoid talking to me. Maybe I didn't hear anything at all.

 

 

“Yohji?”

 

 

Goddammit, brain, please stop torturing me. I know that Aya isn't really standing at my door. I'm even going to open my eyes and prove to myself that he isn't there. Maybe then I can get some sleep. Tilting my head to the side, I check out the situation.

 

 

“Yohji…please, hear me out…”

 

 

That's not possible…is it? Even though he was moving a little, he shouldn't have woken up this soon. Clearly, the stress is getting to me…

 

 

The illusion walks towards me. He looks awkward; like he's not sure why he's in my room.

 

 

“…Yotan? Please, say something…anything…”

 

 

“You're not real. I'm not talking to my hallucinations anymore. It gets me into trouble.”

 

 

Huh, he looks confused. Probably just a physical manifestation of my own confusion or some psychological bullshit. He's not moving any closer…

 

 

“I'm real, Yohji…What's happened to…to you?'

 

 

He's…real? But then again, don't the fakes always try and say that they're the real one?

 

 

I start when cold hands press against my cheeks. I didn't even notice him come that close. I bet that this is all just a dream, actually.

 

 

“Oh, God…I'm sorry, Yohji, I'm so…”

 

 

His words trail off, choked by sobs. I don't care if he isn't real…I can't bear to see Aya, even just an illusion that looks like him, in pain. He's still standing by my bed, but his hands have gone back to his own face to cover those amazing eyes.

 

 

I don't care about sleep anymore as I stand up, wrapping his thin, shaking figure in my arms. I'm shocked to the core when I bury my face in his long, soft hair.

 

 

He smells so familiar, so similar to the way he used to when we shared each other's beds that it makes me shiver. Is it possible, do I dare hope, that this isn't some sort of sick joke?

 

 

What if Aya really is crying his eyes out in my room?

 

 

My arms tighten involuntarily, but he doesn't seem to care. Why is he letting me touch him after so long apart? So many questions…

 

 

“I…Yo-…Oh, God…I'm a wreck…it's not your fault, none of this is…I…I…love…I love you, Yohji…”

 

 

It's hard for me to make out his words between sobs. I can't have heard him right, though. I simply keep rubbing one hand across his back in a soothing pattern and using the other to stroke his hair. He clears his throat, the sobs disappearing for a moment. He pulls back slightly to look directly into my eyes, and what I see there makes my legs feel like they're about to give out.

 

 

“Did you hear me, Yohji? I said that I fucking love you, even if you don't feel the same.”

 

 

After his little outburst the tears return, and he buries his face in my shoulder. I don't care that he's soaking through my shirt; I don't care that it's getting hard to stand on these wobbling legs.

 

Aya still loves me…he still LOVES ME! And I love him, more than anything in this world…

 

 

“Oh, Aya…it's okay, it's all perfect…I'm here for you, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before…Please, let me help you through everything…”

 

 

The words are out before I can stop them, as are a new round of tears. Just like he's wetting my shirt, I'm making his beautiful long hair damp. I can't believe that he's actually in my arms, truly talking to me…This feels like reaching a state of pure bliss, one that I've never felt before.

 

 

“Can I…Will you let me…stay here…tonight? I understand if you don't want me to…”

 

 

He sounds so hesitant that it breaks my heart. How can he possibly believe that I might not want him here? All I've wanted for most of the past year is this…to have Aya in my arms once more.

 

 

“Please, oh fuck please, stay with me. I beg you, get into my bed…I'll hold you while you sleep if you want me to, I'll do anything for you, Aya.”

 

 

He sniffles, and it's so undeniably cute that I begin slowly descending to sit on the bed, bringing his shivering form with me. He seems like he needs the warmth of the bed, and I just want to wrap him in blankets until the heat and colour return to him, because his pale, cold beauty is painful for me to see, knowing that it's my fault.

 

 

It won't do much, but giving him back some of his health might help me begin to make up for what I've done.

 

 

He feels so good in my arms, and yet sex is the last thing on my mind. Tonight is about comfort, about allowing him to feel safe and loved and needed.

 

 

“Let it out, Aya; can I put you into my bed?”

 

 

He nods, still with his face pressed against my chest. I swing us both around gently, letting our bodies sink into my soft mattress. It's been so long since he's been here…I pray to God that this isn't a dream.

 

 

Pulling the warm covers over us, I wrap Aya in my arms with him curled into a ball facing me, both of us on our sides. His shaking is beginning to slow, but the tears are still falling and I can hear the odd sob.

 

 

I wonder how long it's been since someone else saw him cry, since he could truly confide in another person.

 

 

I wish that I could've been here for him earlier, but there's nothing that I can do about that now.

 

 

Right now, all I can do is allow him to express all that built-up pain, to grieve; I'll be the perfect partner, the one that I should have been too long ago.

 

 

Slowly, he drifts off to sleep in my arms. I stay awake for a long time after that, making sure that he isn't haunted by memories in his slumber.

 

 

Eventually, revelling in the feel of the familiar body in my arms, I give in to sleep as well.

 

 

I love Aya; more than words alone can say. From now on, he will always know it. I won't ever take him for granted again.