Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Razorblade Romance ❯ Track 009: Razorblade Kiss ( Chapter 9 )

Track Nine: Razorblade Kiss

 

 

I taste death in every kiss we share;

And every sundown seems to be the last we have.

Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end;

I'm drunk on your tears, Baby; can't you see it's hurting?

 

 

Every time we touch we get closer to heaven;

And at every sunrise, our sins are forgiven.

You on my skin, this must be the end,

The only way you can love me is to hurt me again;

And again; and again; and again.

 

 

Your love is a razorblade kiss;

Sweetest is the taste from your lips.

Your love is a razorblade kiss;

Sweetest is the taste from your lips.

 

 

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I can't believe that I woke up in his bed.

 

 

I'm so weak…I let him too close, and then I cracked wide open. I know that he's still in love with Asuka, no matter how much he says that he loves me…so why did it hurt so much to hear him talk about her? That day when I saw him in the art room…I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

 

 

I should have more discipline than that; as a leader, I'm a failure. And what did that failure achieve? It got Asami killed.

 

 

The reason why that broke me…It was the way she spoke to me, with so much idealism and naïveté…it reminded me of Aya. The real Aya. I couldn't save my sister, and now she's gone, most probably forever. She wants nothing to do with me ever again. I couldn't save a woman who reminded me of my sister…and when I watched her die, it was as if I was seeing my sister die.

 

 

Die at the hands of the evil bitch who is trying to take Yohji from me.

 

 

All of this is a weakness, and ever since Sena asked me about weakness…I can't get my own weaknesses out of my mind. I'm not a good leader, and people die because of me and my idiotic mistakes. I cannot continue on as the leader of Weiss; I cannot let another innocent die because of me.

 

 

That's why…after this final mission, I'm leaving Weiss behind. This isn't just Tsukiyono Omi's final mission; it is mine as well.

 

 

Somewhere, deep inside, there is an area of my heart that I thought I'd lost when Yohji left for Europe. Now, I'm discovering that it was merely hiding; at the thought of leaving him behind, I ache. Is that why…I ended up in his bed last night?

 

 

This morning, when I woke up with his arm around me, I didn't want to run. There was a certain…finality about the whole situation.

 

 

I'm leaving this life behind, as is he. But where I will bear my sins, to remind myself that I don't deserve true happiness, he will erase everything and attempt to start again. I know that he will never be happy without memories…but I don't know if he can ever be at ease with his past.

 

 

Yohji is a creature who thrives on the adulation of others…I think that he believes that he can't obtain that while he holds onto the sins of the past.

 

 

Life doesn't work like that. At least, not for us. We are Weiss, and forgetting that fact will not remove it from our pasts.

 

 

I don't want him to forget…I don't want him to forget me, because I will never forget him. But if this is the way that it must be, then I have no choice but to accept his foolish decisions, and hope that we may meet again in Hell.

 

 

This morning, I didn't run. Instead, I simply kept still in his hold, allowing his body to warm mine and the sad familiarity of the situation to sooth me. When he was near, I could forget my mistakes and my flaws. Everything melted away, Asami, Tsuji, even…Aya.

 

 

And when he awoke, treating me with caution, like a volatile animal that could become violent with a single wrong move…I melted. I let him close again…

 

 

As he let go of his hold on my body, I got up from the bed and made to leave the room. But my legs refused to carry me out of the door and out of his life. My mouth opened without the consent of my brain, and I entered one of the longest conversations I have had in a very long time.

 

 

“Yohji…did you mean what you said last night? Or was I simply a pity case, a sad sight that you wanted to comfort?”

 

 

“I…Of course I meant it! The real question is, did you mean what you said?”

 

 

His voice started off shaky, but a sudden determination entered his tone and for a moment, he wasn't the shell of a man that he has become lately, the weakling who wants to forget. He was my Yohji, the strong and confident beauty who wore each of his flaws like a tattoo on his skin.

 

 

“When have you known me to speak words I don't mean? You should have no reason to doubt me, Yohji, even if last night was spurred on by the effects of the strong pills you slipped into my food.”

 

 

He looks shocked; he should know better than to think that I didn't notice tainted food. I ate it nonetheless; it was proof that he…that he cared, enough to worry about my health. If I couldn't accept his words, then at least I could accept his actions.

 

 

“I'm so, so sorry about that, but I saw no other option. You haven't been faring well lately…and it's my fault, I know it is. I should never have let you get involved with someone as ruined as me…I'll be gone from your life soon, so don't worry about me ruining your life any longer.”

 

 

As hard as I was trying to keep my emotions in check, like the ruthless Aya of old, his words tore into me, and I snapped. To hear him talk about himself like he was the dirtied one…it was too painful to hear.

 

 

“Are you that much of an idiot, Kudoh? How can you sit there and say with a straight face that you're ruining my life? Everything that I've done is my own fault, and I'll bear that cross alone. You aren't ruining my life, because I fucking love you, even if you are a stupid fool who thinks that life without a past is better than a life lived with lessons learnt.”

 

 

And then, as my body continued its rebellion against my mind, I took three long strides until I stood before Yohji, who was still lying in his bed. Reaching out with both hands, I gripped his shoulders and pulled him from the mattress, moving him towards me until our lips collided in a vicious kiss, our first in a ridiculously long time.

 

 

Naturally, he was shocked at first; I was shocked, too. My actions betrayed the cold exterior that I had been trying so hard for so long to present; he knew in that moment that my words were the truth, and that he was my weakness, despite how harshly I had treated him since his return to Japan.

 

 

His kiss was so sweet, after so many months apart, and yet there was something else there. Words weren't spoken, but I knew and I suspect that he also realised; it was to be our last time that we would join together as one. We're to bring down Epitaph in a matter of hours; and so this morning was the beginning of the last day of these lives.

 

 

In our kiss was death; the death of Abyssinian, and the death of Kudoh Yohji. Tonight will be the final call for those two, and this morning was the performance of a lifetime.

 

 

He pulled me back into the bed, returning my kiss with a passion that seemed to have only grown in our time apart. I put up no resistance; there was no point, as nothing else mattered. I gave in to him, and he gave in to me; because there will be nothing for us after tonight. If we don't lose our lives during this mission, then there is a high chance that we will never meet again.

 

 

If we don't eliminate Tsuji and Esset, then Yohji will leave me and this whole life behind; and I will disappear into the night whether we succeed or fail in our mission. That much is certain.

 

 

I would take Yohji with me…but I know that he won't want to come with me. If he doesn't erase his memories, then he won't want to be around me, with someone who will remind him of his time in Weiss. It hurts, but it's the truth; so for one last time, just hours ago, I let Kudoh Yohji make love to me.

 

 

It was a frenzied affair; he had me pressed against the bed, and as he kissed me I scrabbled at his sleep pants and nearly tore them from his body. Naked, he rolled me over; still connected at the lips with tongues sliding against each other, he pushed my own pants out of the way, skin joining with skin in a familiar dance.

 

 

There was little time put into foreplay; as our naked groins came into contact, I fully hardened and felt him do the same. Our bodies responded to each other as if we'd never parted, unconcerned with the turmoil of our minds. There was no need to regain the rhythm we once knew so well, as we explored each other with hands that needed to feel every dip and scar on the other's skin.

 

 

Even as he reached across for the tube that I knew would be in its usual place in his bedside table, we kept kissing and touching like we couldn't survive if we parted.

 

 

For those minutes, we physically couldn't part; and as he entered me, first with his fingers and then with his erection, there was no Yohji and no Aya…there was just `us', moving together in carnal bliss. He stroked inside my body, sending me to heaven with the pleasure that he stoked in me.

 

 

All too soon, I felt his body stiffen; looking directly into my eyes, he began to spurt inside me, his pleasured groan causing my own in response, and pushing me over into the abyss of orgasm. I spilt my seed between our bodies, and my legs tightened around his bare back before falling to lay flat against the mattress.

 

 

I barely felt him slipping out of me, as focused as I was on his face. A thin sheen of sweat covered his features and he collapsed onto my body, where I let him lay. It was our last moments together, and the feel of his breath against my sated skin signalled that the end was drawing close.

 

 

I realised all too late that I was beginning to cry; something that I should have been ashamed of, but something that, a long time ago, Yohji told me I should let out more often. Twice in twenty-four hours, I cried on Yohji's shoulder, and my weakness was confirmed.

 

 

He pressed his lips into my hair, the braid that I grew for him after he revealed one day that he was fond of long hair. I barely heard the words that he spoke, and I almost wish that I didn't.

 

 

“Are you…are you really leaving Weiss, Aya?”

 

 

“…Yes.”

 

 

Tension flooded his body, and he pushed me away as if I was afflicted with some terrible disease. Before I realised what was happening, he was standing by the door.

 

 

“You…you didn't mean any of this, did you? I can't believe that after you've finally come back to me, you're still running away. I only wanted to forget because I couldn't have you; and now you've come to my bed just to show me what I'm going to miss? You're a fucking prick, Fujimiya.”

 

 

The pain in his voice is almost tangible, and he flees the room, slamming the door behind him. I have no tears left to cry; instead, I wish for the world to simply swallow me up. I didn't get to finish my sentence, and now Yohji is going to make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

 

Speaking to an empty room, my broken voice let out words that Yohji never got to hear.

 

 

“Please…come with me, Yohji.”

 

 

Now, standing in my room, still alone, I can't allow myself to feel regret. One more mission…and then, it's all over. I need to cut Yohji from my heart…and so, in a symbolic gesture that no one will appreciate, I raise my katana to my neck and cut through the thick wad of hair there…hair that I grew for Yohji.

 

 

My love for him brings nothing but pain; and now that we have had our final time together, we will move into our final mission and then go our separate ways.

 

 

Even if I wish that he would stay with me forever.

 

 

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He's still going to leave. I thought that if he knew how much I love him, he would stay. But just like everyone else I have ever loved, I'm going to lose him.

 

 

Clearly, he can easily forget me…but I'll never be able to remove him from my mind on my own. If the only way to get rid of this pain I feel is by turning to Tsuji…I'll do it.

 

 

I can't keep on loving a man like Aya, especially if he's about to abandon me. What we had today was little more than break-up sex…as much as I wish that it meant something more, he was always planning on leaving me behind.

 

 

He doesn't want me around…but I don't blame him. I'm a walking bag of misery, and all I do is fuck up people's lives. I get them killed; he's smart to save his own hide.

 

 

This isn't about Asuka, or Neu, or any women. This is about me and Aya…but it's obvious that he would rather not be put in even the same sentence as me. I didn't realise that he would fuck me out of pity; and yet he did, following it up by lying to me.

 

 

In a little over an hour, we go to fight Epitaph.

 

 

I can't let them kill Tsuji…I won't let Aya remove my one chance to forget the fact that he's abandoning me.

 

 

He can screw around with the way that I feel, lying through his teeth about `love'; but I'll do whatever I must to leave behind how much he has hurt me. Even if I have to fight him.

 

 

I love Aya so much that it makes me feel sick…and even though I thought that I had finally gotten him to realise his own feelings, it was made painfully clear this morning that he never truly cared.

 

 

I don't believe that he even knows what love is; even when we were together before I left, he never seemed to trust me.

 

 

And now…we've had our last roll together. It comes to an end, tonight; I will either lose my life, or Kudoh Yohji will lose all of his memories of lovers who do nothing but leave because he hurts them.

 

 

Aya won't change his mind to leave Weiss and me; so there is no middle ground. It's all or nothing, when we go to fight Epitaph.

 

 

I love you, Aya…and although I'd like to believe your words when you say that you love me too, I simply can't.

 

 

If you truly loved me, you wouldn't leave me to die like you're going to. I can't live with this much pain…and yet, I'm too much of a coward to take my own life.

 

 

I'm going to let Tsuji alter my memories…but I wish that you could know that Kudoh Yohji will always love you, Aya, from the bottom of his murderous heart.

 

 

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His wire around my neck was the cold bite of death that had been a long time in coming. If anyone was to kill me…I wanted it to be Yohji.

 

 

I wasn't surprised when he threw the thin line around my neck…he's so desperate to forget everything that he was willing to betray Weiss, to betray me. I would've let him kill me, too; I don't want to ever see the shell of Yohji's body, inhabited by a new creature without a past…and so, when he drew his wire, I may have been a little slower than usual, a bit more sluggish in my offence.

 

 

A katana is far superior to garrotte wire in a face-to-face encounter…but I didn't want to kill Yohji. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't exist.

 

 

We danced around each other, him growing more and more wild with every passing second. The tears that had been building in his eyes began to fall, and he stopped stock-still across from me.

 

 

Then…he launched towards me, and I jumped to meet him. I didn't want to injure him, but the only other course of action was to allow him to hurt me…and so, I made up my mind and lowered my weapon while hurtling towards him.

 

 

With his wire drawn out, taut between his long fingers, the fingers that had slipped across my entire body hours before…he aimed for my neck, and I allowed him the opportunity to unleash his final blow.

 

 

He was moments from snapping my neck when the building began to collapse on itself. A piece of rubble fell from the ceiling, connecting with his shoulder and sending him to the floor. I landed on the ground at the end of my leap, only to feel everything go black.

 

 

Now, I'm ignoring the throbbing pain on the side of my head, having woken up from a brief unconscious state caused by falling rubble. I can't see Yohji…Oh, God, I hope he's alright. He's about to do something stupid…and I have a mission to complete.

 

 

No…fuck the mission, quite frankly. I have to find Yohji, and stop him from making the biggest, most permanent mistake of his life.

 

 

I won't allow him to forget. That has to be why I'm still alive…or maybe it was just superb timing on behalf of the Crashers, who had to have been the ones who set the explosion as a warning. Either way…I have to stop Yohji and kill that Esset bitch.

 

 

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Aya…Asuka…the two people who mean the most to me out of anyone or anything I've ever known…They've caused me so much pain, but…they've also brought out the good in a heart that was once good for little more than lying and cheating my way through life.

 

 

Seeing Aya facing off against Tsuji…his words were so passionate, as if he firmly believed in everything he was saying. Would I really be better off dead than an amnesiac? Is it possible that…that my memories are all I have, and without them I'll be nothing? Oh, Aya…why are you so determined to make me second-guess myself if you're still planning on leaving me?

 

 

And Asuka...Did you truly mean it when you said that I saved you? It's not possible; without me, you'd still be alive. I don't want to remember the fact that I ruined your life…

 

 

It's all so fucking confusing! I was so determined, and it was perfectly clear; I would forget, and eventually everyone that I've hurt would forget about me, too. Life would improve for everyone, and Kudoh Yohji would simply be relegated to the dusty annals of history as a man who died with his girlfriend in a dingy back alley, victims of a random violent mugging.

 

 

And yet…now, there is part of my mind that is beginning to rebel. Aya thinks that I'm making a terrible mistake…Asuka said that she would live on if I lived on…I said that I don't want to betray anyone anymore, as I stood with my wire around Aya's neck in a horrible moment full of terrible decisions…Can I betray the two people who mean more to me than anything?

 

 

I don't want to disappoint Aya…maybe, just maybe, if I fight for him, he'll stay with me. We could leave Weiss…together.

 

 

In the background, from far below, I hear Tsuji's familiar voice calling Aya a stupid man…my anger flares. Nobody insults my Aya; any thought of her offer flees as I realise that Aya could be in trouble. This time, there is no telekinetic boy to save him; it's up to me.

 

 

Fuck the future; fuck the past; Aya is my concern right now, and he's about to enter a battle with a genetically modified freak.

 

 

Running to the walkway, I vault over the railing and throw out my wire to catch Tsuji's fist as she goes to strike the only man I've ever loved. The thought occurs that I might die here…

 

 

But if I have to die in order to keep Aya safe, I'll do it.

 

 

And if I live…then it will be my duty to follow that angry, irrational, cold, hidden, dangerous and god damn fucking amazing man to the ends of the Earth if I must.

 

 

It's a surprise that my voice doesn't break as I send Aya to finish the mission.

 

 

“Leave her to me…I'm going to live.”

 

 

I think that I catch the tiniest trace of a smile as he registers the meaning of my words…my new-found resolve is cemented with his parting comment.

 

 

“Yohji…don't die.”

 

 

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He's still in that burning wreck of a building…somewhere. He has to be…

 

 

We lost one team member tonight…I won't let it become two. Sena is dead, but I have no time for grief or regret…I have to save Yohji. During this, our final battle, he finally awoke from the painful nightmare that had overtaken his body for God knows how long. His resolve when he fought Tsuji twice…the first with his wire, and the second with my sword…the Kudoh Yohji that I knew long before Europe, before Neu, was alive and well in mind, if not in body.

 

 

I shouldn't have left him to fight in such a terrible condition…but it had to be him to destroy Tsuji, to show himself that he could live on without Esset's memory-altering technology. I saw him destroy her data…my heart felt like it was going to explode with pride at his clarity of mind in that moment.

 

 

Nothing has drawn emotion like that from me in a very long time.

 

 

Somewhere below this hill where I'm standing, overlooking the building that used to house outrageous amounts of knowledge and technology, Yohji is alive. The others have left with Crashers, to whom I owe so much; now, it's just me and Yohji.

 

 

I don't know what changed his mind…but because of it, I now have to find him and make him come away with me. We'll leave this life behind…there's nothing here for us anymore, and now that he has made up his own mind to live on…I want to be by his side as we attempt to put out lives back into some semblance of order.

 

 

Picking my way back down the hill, my only focus is Yohji and finding him before it's too late.

 

 

I thought that this morning we spent together was the last we would ever share…could it really have been our new beginning?