Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Songfics That Were Never Meant to Be: the series ❯ Farfarello, Some Glue, and Reckless Abuse of Schu ( Chapter 1 )

I intend to make this a series of One-Shots all using different ridiculous songs. Suggestions for other dumb songs to use is welcome.

Updates will be very slow, I'm afraid. I only think about this when I'm in between my stories with plots.

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Disclaimer: Weiß ain't mine. But the Aquabats are! I lie, I lie. The Aqubats aren't mine either. In fact, I don't even own their cds. I had to borrow them from my sister.

Song: `Stuck Together' by the Aquabats. It's really not in the least important to know this song. In fact, I wrote the fic before bothering to actually listen to it.


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--Farfarello, Some Glue, and Reckless Abuse of Schu--



"GET IT OFF ME!! IT'S HORRIBLE! CREEPY!! GET IT THE FUCK OFF ME!!!"

That would be Schuldich's voice. Such panic had not escaped him since the `Salvation Army Incident' of '96.

"IF SOMEONE DOESN'T GET IT OFF ME, I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL IT!!!!"

Crawford calmly looks up from his imported copy of the Wall Street Journal.

"Nagi, would you mind checking on Schulidich?"

"I refuse to move until I've finished my Cheerios." Replies Nagi, "I hate when they get soggy."

"No problem." Says Crawford, returning his attention to the stock exchange.

"OK, THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL IT! DIIIEEEEE!"

[Thwap thwap!]

"Ow!"
The `ow' did not belong to Schuldich.

"We should probably stop him." Says Crawford, "The screaming is giving me a headache."

"Cheerios." States Nagi, making an exaggerated gesture towards his bowl.

"GODDAMN IT, WHY WON'T YOU DIE ALREADY?!"
Schuldich finally makes his appearance in the kitchen. And he's not alone.

"FREAKAZOID PUT GLUE IN MY SHAMPOO!" Despite reaching his other team members, Schuldich is still screaming. "AND THEN HE FUCKING GRABBED MY HAIR!!!!"

Farfarello merely waves with his free hand. (The other is of course thoroughly entangled in Schuldich's, er…vibrant locks.)

"Goddamn it, that was really expensive shampoo, too." Grumbles schuldich.

Stuck together!
You and me!
Always together!
Honey and bees!
Forever and Ever!
Can you see?
We were meant to be
But you tried to leave!
Stuck together!
It was easy to do.
Always together!
New and improved
Together forever!
With hands of glue!
The kind of glue that you can't remove!
My arms are good
But my hands are bad.
I'm a little bit crazy
A little bit mad..
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

"Well, don't just sit there like a bunch of assholes, do something!"

"Why?" Asks Crawford.

"Why what?!" Yells Schuldich.

"Why should we do something?"

"BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I'M GONNA STRANGLE THE SON OF A BITCH!!!"

"It's so cute when you mistake me for someone who cares." Mutters Crawford.

"Let me rephrase that," replies Schuldich, "Because if you don't I'm gonna strangle the son of a bitch with your new Armani tie!"

"Now hold it right there!" What? Was that actually a hint of emotion in Crawford's voice? "If you so much as touch me tie, I'll kill you both myself."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE!"
Schuldich has just noticed Nagi approaching with a pair of scissors.

"You said you wanted to get him off." Replies Nagi calmly.

"Not like that!!!" Screams Schuldich, a little hysterically, "Can't you do that `Jedi mind trick' thing of yours to detach him?!"

"Not unless you want your hair to detach with him."

"Well then…" The panic is once again overpowering Schuldich's voice, "Go look on the internet, and…and…find a way to dissolve the glue!!"

"I'm tired." Says Nagi, yawning. "I'll do it after lunch."

"I hate everyone." Whimpers Schuldich, dejectedly.

My arms are good
But my hands are bad
I just want to stick them to your head!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Being alone is not for me.
Not in America,
Land of the free.
Stuck together
We'll always be.
Ronald Reagan,
Can you help me?
Oh no!
No one understands…
Oh no!
…why there's glue on my hands…
Oh no!
…come on over here…
Oh no!
…can't you see that there's nothing to fear?

"Ow! Stop it!"

-poke-

"Ow! Stop it!"

-poke-

"Ow! Stop it!"

-poke-

"Ow! I thought Farfarello wasn't allowed to use metal forks?!"

"He must have picked the lock to the cabinet again." Crawford answers, disinterestedly.

"Well get a new lock, for christsake!! This fucking hurts!!!"

There's a pause of about two or three minutes of indulgent silence, and then---

-poke-

"Ow! Stop it!"

-poke-

"Ow! Stop it!"

-poke-

"Ow! Nagi, have you found anything to fix this yet?!"

"When I said I'd look after lunch," states Nagi, "I meant I wouldn't start looking til after lunch."

"Well hurry up! I can't take this much longer!!"

"I've heard mayonnaise is good at removing stuff." Nagi suddenly adds, looking up from his plate of fish.

"Really?!" Asks Schuldich, eagerly.

" Not really." Says Nagi, "But it was pretty funny watching you get your hopes up."

"Fuck you." Grumbles Schuldich.

"No thanks. But I bet Farfarello would take you up on that."

"EW GROSS!"

At first everyone thinks that this outburst is in response to Nagi's comment. Until they notice that Schuldich is trying to down every drink on the table.

"He dumped the entire can of nori flakes into my soup! I fucking HATE seaweed!! What's wrong with you Japanese and your nasty ass food?!!"

"I think I'm offended." Says Nagi, "I'm losing my drive to help you."

"Wait! I take it back! I'm sorry!!" Cries Schuldich.

Nagi just looks at him blankly. "You just insulted my entire heritage. I'm deeply hurt."

"Look! I said I didn't mean it! I'm sorry already!"

"You'll have to do better than that. Finish the soup."

"But I hate seaweed! It's disgusting!!"

"I've got a book to read." Explains Nagi, excusing himself. "See you later Crawford."

"No! Wait, I'll eat the soup!" Schuldich sighs in defeat.

Nagi watches as Schuldich finishes every last bite.
He then silently returns to his room.

Stuck together!
You won't escape!
Always together!
It's too late!
Forever and ever!
Accept your fate.
`cause my hands are stuck to your face!
My arms are good
But my hands are bad
I'm a little bit crazy
A little bit mad..
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
My arms are good
But my hands are bad
I just want to stick them to your head!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Schuldich woke up from his nap feeling amazingly light and free.
It takes a minute for him to realize why.
He was alone!
Farfarello was no longer stuck to his hair!
Nagi must have come through for him!
Schuldich joyfully runs into Nagi's room.

"Thanks Nagi!"

Nagi turns and gives Schuldich a weird look. "Thanks?"

"Yeah, you fixed my hair for me didn't you?"

"Nope." Says Nagi, turning back to his computer, "I got distracted by `Vegas Solitaire'."

"But Farfarello's gone! How'd he get unstuck?"

"Beats me." Mutters Nagi in annoyance, "Are you quite finished letting the A/C out of my room?"

"Go to Hell!" Yells Schuldich, slamming the door.

The next thing he notices though, is Farfarello sitting in the corner of the living room. He's playing hang-man against himself on the wall. Closer inspection reveals that he is using made-up words.

"You're not stuck in my hair!" Cries Schuldich.

"Nope." Replies Farfarello.

"How'd you get out?!"

"I got bored."

Schuldich's eyes narrow dangerously. "What do you mean `you got bored'?"

"You fell asleep." Is Farfaello's matter-of-fact reply, "You're no fun asleep. So I let go."

"YOU `LET GO'?! YOU MEAN YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT ANY TIME YOU WANTED?!"

"Crawford buys cheap glue." Says Farfarello, casually adding a left leg to his hang-man sketch.

This information proves too much for Schuldich, who proceeds to run off screaming into the sunset.
And they all lived unhappily ever after.
Except for Farfarello, who was pretty content playing hang-man.


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Fin.
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