Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Take My Picture ❯ Losing Sanity and Love, Among other Things ( Chapter 3 )

Big thanks to… Jade Green {Hee hee… I'm so mean to those boys, especially in this chapter.}; WingofShinigami {I'm sorry for making you wait so long! I'm glad you're enjoyng.}; Lavender M {I wasn't sure if took too many liberties with Ran's character or not, and I'm not sure if I like this chapter at all. I was just so tired of seeing Ran written as a jerk (even though he is) so I attempted to write him a little differently.}

Okay, I'm actually not that pleased with the way this whole fic turned out, but I'm glad you all like it (or some of you seem to, since you're reviewing). Hope you like this chapter!

** Weiß Kreuz and all it's characters belong to Koyasu Takehito, Project Weiß and some other people**

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[iii; losing sanity and love, among other things]

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"You're not coming with us, and that's final! Stay here with Manx."

Omi's big blue eyes narrow in anger. "What the Hell do you mean? I don't wanna sit here on my ass while…"

I hold up my hand and frown at him. "Watch your language. Swearing is very unattractive. And you're still not coming with us."

"I will NOT watch my language! You swear all the time, Youji! Why do I have to stay here? I wanna go with you and Ken to get Ran back!" Ken shudders at Omi's whining, which is actually really hilarious because Ken finds something to whine about every single fucking day.

I sit down beside Omi on the couch and put my arm over his hunched shoulders, smiling at his little pouting face. "You read that note, Omi-chan. Schuldich said that Farfarello is interested in you. It's too big a risk to let you come with us. You'll see Ran when we get back, okay?" I pat his back, but he shoves my arm away and stands up, clenching his hands into tight, quivering fists. "I don't care what that stupid note says! I'm going with you whether you like it or not! And you can't stop me!"

Ken stares at him open-mouthed and then starts laughing loudly. "Oh, watch out, Kudou… he might bite!" He laughs even harder, if that's possible, and wipes tears from his eyes. I reach over to shove Ken out of his chair, then stand and look at Omi. He pouts again and makes those puppy eyes I hate so much. The reason why I hate them is because I can never resist them, especially from him… and, unfortunately, he knows it, too.

"Please Youji-kun… I promise I won't get in the way…" Shit, he's even using that cutesy voice the girls in the shop think is so fucking adorable. Omi looks at me and smiles a little, already knowing he's going to win.

"… Aw, God damn it! FINE! You can come. But you stay with me the entire time!" I fall back on the couch as Omi squeezes me in a tight hug, then he runs up to his room to change. Ken gives me a look that says, `sucker'. I ignore him and leave the room, anxious to leave. I look at the clock, and see that it's only 9:30… and I have to wait another two and a half hours. I sigh and sit in front of the clock, watching the minutes slowly crawl past.

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We leave, finally, at a quarter to midnight. We walk to the club, which causes Ken to start his excessive complaining. Omi tells him to shut up and not to whine about a little physical activity. I start to laugh, but Omi goes on to say how complaining about any sort of physical activity was my job. Then Ken starts laughing. Luckily, he isn't watching where he's going, so he crashes into a street light. I think he did it on purpose, though, trying to lighten the mood. We're all really tense; not knowing what to expect can really fuck up your nerves.

We don't have to worry about being seen. The police closed the area to civilians after we bombed the warehouse. Part of the club was destroyed, too, so it's closed as well, for repairs. It's actually kinda spooky. I'm used to seeing this place full of people, but know… it's like a ghost town. It's totally deserted, which is why Schuldich chose to meet us here. Omi and I wait near the main entrance of the club while Ken quickly checks the inside. After a few minutes, he motions us in and shakes his head.

"No one here… that doesn't mean anything, though. They're probably just waiting for an opportunity to scare the shit out of us, just for a laugh." He looks around, eyeing the stairs to the upper floors. "D'you think we should check up there?" I hesitate, wondering if it's safe to leave Omi by himself. I figure that we could all go upstairs, but if Schuldich shows up, and he doesn't see us, he'll leave, and take Ran with him. I turn around to ask Omi if he wants to go upstairs with Ken, while I stay down here, but he's not behind me anymore. I spin around, looking for him.

"Umm… Youji-kun? H-Help?"

We turn to see Omi inching towards the back of the room, trying to get away from Farfarello, who is slowly stalking over to him. "Sweet little kitten… come with me… we can play together…" Omi shakes his head vigorously, which Farfarello finds incredibly amusing.

"Now, now, Farfie my love. You promised you wouldn't hurt the cute little kitten… besides, you have your own little brat at home to play with." Schuldich, like his insane counter-part, appears out of the shadows. Omi suddenly lets out a squeak as Farfarello starts petting his hair. I sigh in annoyance and pull Omi away from him, then shove him over to Ken.

I walk over to Schuldich and stop a few feet away. He smiles evenly at me. "Good evening, Youji. How are you this fine night?" I glare at him and take another step towards him. "Cut the fucking shit and give Ran back to me. Now." Schuldich glances over at Farfarello and nods. The Irishman wanders off outside, humming to himself.

Schuldich looks back at me, shaking his head in disapproval. "Naughty language, Youji. Now I know where Ran gets all those dirty words. He certainly gave me an ear-full before we left. He was convinced that we were going to set a trap for you. He still hasn't learned when to keep his mouth shut, and when to open it… if you know what I mean." He winks at me. "I had to give his mind a good, hard shake to knock him out. He should be waking up very soon. Ah… here he is now… your fearless leader, reduced to… well, I'll let you see for yourself."

Sure enough, Farfarello returns, half-dragging Ran behind him. I almost start to cry when I see him. Even in the dim light, I can see the nearly black bruises, blood, and dirt covering his pale body. He's only wearing the same pants he had on the night of the mission; now they look about two sizes too big, as if he hasn't eaten in the past four days. I can see him shivering. His hair is matted, and his nose looks like it was broken a couple of times. Farfarello lets go of Ran's arms and he falls immediately to the dirty floor, trembling. He makes no attempt to stand up or even move away; he just sits and stares down at the ground. I gaze at him a minute longer, then turn back to Schuldich, shaking in anger. "What the fuck did you do to him?"

He wags a finger at me. "There's that language again. Aren't you thinking about your little bishounen over in the corner, cowering beside the clumsy boy?" Ken starts to say something but I wave my hand at him to shut up. "You didn't answer my question. What did you do to him?"

Smiling, he steps closer. ""I told you what we were going to with him. Hell, I even showed you with Farfarello's beautiful photography and my power. We broke him. He's just Ran now… no icy façade… no more hate…"

I clench my fists, trying desperately to calm down before I do something I'll regret. "Okay, you've had your fun. Give him to me." Farfarello grabs the back of Ran's neck, causing him to wince, and jerks him closer to his side. "No…"

Schuldich turns to him, looking slightly panicked. "Farfarello, what are you doing?" The madman jerks his head over in the direction of Ken and Omi. "I want something in return for giving back this morsag. I want the little one." He smiles wickedly at Omi, making him flinch closer to Ken, who puts his arms around him and glares at Farfarello.

Ran suddenly pulls away from Farfarello, shouting hoarsely and trying to stand up. "No… don't let him…" He's cut off by a vicious blow to his back delivered by Farfarello's foot. "Next time I will cut your throat…"

Furious beyond anything I've ever felt, I grab Schuldich's arm, twist it behind his back, and then pull out the gun I'd hidden in my coat, pointing it at his head. "If you touch him again, I'll shoot him. I would suggest that you step away from Ran. Slowly."

Schuldich laughs. "What's to stop me frying going into your mind and frying every synapse I come across? You think you have…" I kick the back of his knees, forcing him to kneel on the floor. Farfarello snarls and steps towards me, but I bring the gun back to Schuldich's head, pressing it into his temple. "Would you really do that? What if my muscles start to spasm under your attack, and I finger slips on the trigger? We'd both be dead… and alone…"

Farfarello looks back and forth between Schuldich, me, Ran, and Ken and Omi, whimpering in frustration. For a minute, I'm sure he'll go berserk and simple throw a knife at me. In the end, he steps away from Ran. "Let him go…"

I push Schuldich away from me. He stumbles, but Farfarello catches him, whispering apologies in his ear. I watch them embrace as I put my gun back in my coat. I could have sworn I saw tears in Farfarello's remaining eye. As they leave, Farfarello stoops down beside Ran, talking quietly. Over the Irishman's shoulder, I see Ran's dazed eyes widen in sudden shock, then close, but not before a few tears fall down his face. Schuldich smirks, blows me a kiss, and they leave with their arms around each other.

The second they disappear around the corner, I yell at Ken to first call in an ambulance, in case he's hurt so much that we can't move him, and then to call Manx. I run over to Ran and drop down beside him, trying to focus on his face, not his battered body. Omi comes over and crouches next to us, concern filling his eyes along with relief. "Ran-kun…?"

Ran smiles at Omi and tries to sit up properly. I grab his shoulders, horrified by how much thinner they are. I pull him up into a sitting position and look at his face. Bright amethyst greets me, glazed over by pain. He trembles under my hands, trying to speak. I drop my gaze down to his hands, clasped tightly over the side of his stomach. He tries to pull away, clutching his arms tighter around his stomach. "No, Youji…"

I ignore him and yank his hands back. Omi cries out and jumps away. I watch, speechless, as blood pours from the fresh, gaping hole in his side. "Oh… God… Ran, look at me, okay? Don't focus on anything else…" I push him down to the floor, pulling off my jacket and pressing it into the wound.

Ran makes a tiny sound of pain and gazes up at me. New tears form in his eyes and run down his temples and into his hair, making trails in the dirt and blood. He reaches up and touches my face, forcing a small smile. "I'm… sorry…"

"No! Ran, don't you dare. You stay with me, you hear? Ran, stay with me… look at me, Ran…" I feel my own tears falling down my face, and Ran moves his shaking fingers, brushing my tears away. "I have to t-tell you… tell you s-something… Youji… I… you…"

"Ran! No, don't say that! You can't leave! Stay with me, listen to me voice… don't close your eyes, Ran… don't…" I break off, sobbing, as Ran's hand drops from my face. I cry harder, leaning down to kiss him, even as Manx and the paramedics from the ambulance come in. They're all silent, watching as I keep talking to him, telling him to open his eyes.

Ken walks over and takes my arm, trying not to cry. "Come on, Youji… let the paramedics take care of him…" He starts to pull me away, but I push him, hard, into Omi. "Get your fucking hands off of me! Leave me alone! He's not… he didn't…"

I go on and on, screaming and crying, refusing to leave Ran's side, refusing to let go of his hand. Finally, I hear one of the paramedics whispering to Ken. They both come over and grab my arms, forcing me away from Ran. The paramedic slides a needle into my arm, and I suddenly can't move.

As my vision fades, I wish that Schuldich had killed me when he had the chance, so I wouldn't have to live in this miserable world alone.

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The next week is a haze of angry outbursts and sleep… and so is the week after that. I remember next to nothing.

When I first woke up in the hospital, a few hours after that fucking paramedic gave me that damn injection, I went ballistic. I cried like a fucking child, and I hit anyone who came near me… Ken, Manx, the doctors, the nurses… I didn't really give a shit who they were. I was scared and angry… scared, because I was in the hospital… angry because I was in the hospital without having been asked if I wanted to be in this damn place anyways.

Eventually, I must have calmed down, because I can remember Omi telling me that Ran had barely survived the trip to the hospital. He said that Ran was intensive care, but because of the extensive physical and psychological damage he'd received, he wasn't expected to live. I didn't take that news very well. The damn doctors sedated me again and kept me that way until Ken and Omi took me home. And now that I'm back home, all I want to do is go back to that hospital and sit beside Ran.

They're all worried about me. I don't know why. There's always someone with me, making sure I behave myself or bullshit excuses like that. Usually Omi will be with me, because he's the only one who doesn't piss me off too much. Others times Ken will sit with me, or Manx will. It stays like this for two weeks. No one talks about Ran. They won't answer my questions about him, either. Aya-chan comes over every few days to visit with me, when she's not busy with school or with Ran. She tries to act like nothing is wrong, as if nothing has ever happened. She always smiles, and she laughs at Ken's stupid jokes that aren't even remotely close to being funny. It's all one big fucking lie, though. I can see through it… she looks so tired and worn-out… kind of like Ran did when Aya-chan was in a coma.

Sometimes, during my long hours of drug-induced sleep, I see Ran, haunting my dreams. He stands in front of me, perfect and naked, holding out his arms to me… smiling. But as soon as I touch him, he pulls away from me. He's covered in bruises and blood and dirt… just the way he was when he was returned to me for a short while. He screams at me, blaming his pain on me, saying that he's sorry that he ever loved wishes and me he would die so he would never have to see me again. I'll wake up crying, right after that, saying his name over and over, apologizing for not being there, wishing that it were me in his place. Omi always rushes in, at any hour of the night or day, and puts his arms around me, letting me cry on his shoulder as long as I need to. But he doesn't ask me questions anymore. None of them do, and that frightens me.

One day, after I wake up, I'm alone in my room… for the first time in two fucking weeks, I don't have someone watching me sleep or getting dressed. I hear Ken and Omi's voices downstairs, so I slowly make my way into the kitchen. I almost trip over an assortment of boxes littering the floor.

Ken and Omi are busily packing clothes, candles, batteries, and other things into the boxes and backpacks. I watch them for a few minutes before sitting down at the table and lighting a long-awaited cigarette. "What are you doing?" Ken looks up as if he just noticed my pointless and pathetic existence and smiles. "Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine!"

I glare at him and take another hard drag off my smoke, blowing it in a heavy sigh. "Fuck you. Answer my fucking question." Ken frowns and is about to respond when Omi, as if sensing the danger of yet another fight, dashes over and shoves a large box into Ken's arms. "We're packing. You, Ken, Aya-chan, and me are going camping for the long weekend. We rented a really nice cabin up north. Won't it be fun, Youji-kun?"

"No, it won't be fun. I'm not going." They both ignore me and continue packing. Omi stands up, pushing his unruly blonde hair out of his eyes. "Okay… I'm done here, Ken-kun. I'll go pick up Aya-chan, and we'll stop for groceries on the way up to the cabin. We'll meet you up there."

"I said I'm not going…" Ken looks over at me distractedly. "Yes, you are. Omi, don't forget the key. See if you can air the place out a bit when you get there. It seemed kinda stuffy when we were up there yesterday." Omi nods and then runs out the door. I stare after him. Ken piles all of the boxes by the door, ignoring me for the moment. When he turns back to face me, he looks really pissed. "Now you listen you me, Youji. We are sick and tired of you moping around the house, sleeping almost the entire day, and not helping in the store. You are going to come with us on this trip, whether you like it or not… and you will be halfway to decent, especially around Aya-chan. You will help with the chores. You will not sleep the entire time. This was Aya's idea, and she thinks it will be good for you to get out of the house. If you make a fuss, I'll knock you over the head again. Is all that clear enough for you?"

I blink in disbelief, mostly at his harsh tone. Ken never yells at anyone. Finally, I nod. Ken sighs and waves me away. "Good. Now go have a shower… and shave. You look like complete shit." He turns his attention back to the boxes, double-checking their contents to see if he forgot anything. Knowing him, he probably forgot to pack something important, like toilet paper or matches.

After a long, hot shower, I actually feel a little better. I still want to kill myself… but not as much. I put on the first clothes I come across: jeans and a dark red shirt. Usually, both articles of clothing would be skin-tight… well, not anymore, since I pretty much stopped eating altogether. I run my hands carelessly through my hair, not really caring what I look like. No one's around to appreciate it anyways.

We leave a short while later. We don't really talk on the way up north. Well… I don't really talk on the way up north. Ken sure does, though. He keeps talking about how beautiful the lake is, how peaceful and secluded the area is, how quiet the forest is. Eventually, he just shuts up, once he realizes that I really don't give a shit about the fucking trees.

Two boring and silent hours later, we pull up in front of a three-story log cabin, complete with a dock and boat, and a fire pit outside. It's nicer than I was expecting… a Hell of a lot nicer, in fact. I may find it hard to be bitchy this weekend. It's so peaceful, I actually find my hatred dissipating, and I don't feel like making everyone else's life as shitty as mine. Omi and Aya-chan come outside to help bring in all those damn boxes Ken brought with us. The cabin is even nicer inside. The bottom floor consists of a kitchen, the master bedroom, the main bathroom, and a large sitting area with over-stuffed couches and a fireplace. The two upper floors have one bedroom and a bathroom each, plus smaller rooms with televisions and various tables and chairs.

Aya-chan immediately claims the top floor, probably because the bathroom up there has a small hot tub. Ken and Omi opt for the second floor, not caring that they have to share a room. That leave's me with the bottom floor bedroom, the largest and most furnished, with a television and it's own wood stove… not that I'm complaining.

The rest of the day goes by somewhat normally. Aya-chan persuades me to play cards with her, Ken, and Omi. As usual, Ken cracks all these stupid jokes that aren't really funny. Aya laughs at them, though, because she hasn't heard any of them about a dozen times already. But, admittedly, I find myself smiling a few times, seeing my friends so happy, though I immediately regret it. It feels wrong, somehow, to be happy. After awhile, I leave the table in the middle of a game, and sit down in front of the fireplace. Everyone stops talking and watches me, but they don't try to stop me. They continue to play, whispering about me as if I can't hear them. Sighing quietly, I reach into my pocket and pull out a small, silver necklace with a cross on it: Ran's necklace. I feel a sudden urge to run out of the cabin, jump in one of the cars a drive back to the hospital. I miss him so much, and I fucking hate the fact that no one has mentioned him for several days. What if he died and they didn't tell me?

I don't know how long I sat there… hours maybe, because when Aya-chan comes to see me, it's almost nightfall. "Hi, Youji-kun. May sit with you for awhile? Ken and Omi are upstairs watching a soccer game... I felt lonely." I nod and she sits down beside me on the floor, watching the fire burn away at the wood. We don't speak for a very long time. Eventually, Aya-chan breaks the tense silence, though hesitantly. "Youji-kun… I'm going to ask you a question… but you don't have to answer me if you don't want to. I'll understand if you don't." I stay silent, so she continues.

"Did you… Do you love… my brother?"

Did?! If he's fucking dead than say it! The harsh blow of her words fades. I'm not sure how to respond, so I think about it for a few minutes. I don't look at her when I answer. "I… I don't know. I thought I was falling in love with Ran… but now… I know I loved him. And… I still love him."

Aya-chan nods. "I thought so." Just then, Omi runs down the stairs, with Ken stomping behind him. It's so weird how Ken can make so much fucking noise by doing the quietest things. I watch them as they pull on their sweaters and scarves. Aya smiles at me and then stands up. "We're going into the town we passed on the way up here to pick up some dinner. You'll be okay here, won't you?"

I shrug indifferently. I barely notice when they leave. I feel incredibly angry, and I don't understand why. Is Ran really dead, and Aya-chan let it slip? What if they never meant to tell me, and only wanted me to believe he was in a hospital bed, slowly healing? I want to hurt someone until they feel as bad as I do. I close my hand around the necklace, squeezing it in a futile attempt to calm my rage. The tiny cross bites into my palm, cutting it open. I watch as the blood runs down my arm and drips on to the shiny hardwood floor below me.

The front door suddenly opens and someone-probably Ken, the idiot-walks back into the room. The fire flickers sporadically, and I glare at it, mentally wishing it to be still. I can hear footsteps behind me. It has to be Ken; he usually forgets things. He's probably going to try and force me to go with him. "I already fucking told you… I'm not going with you. Leave me alone." He's silent, which is weird as Hell because Ken always fights back with me, trying to have the last word. I watch his shadow on the wall as he reaches out to touch my shoulder. Growling, I tighten my fists, preparing to hit him. "Fuck off! Why can't you…"

I stand up and grab his wrist, twisting it roughly… his wrist is too thin… too elegant… too pale. I drop it as though it was very hot and fall back on the floor, trembling. My eyes travel up legs that are too long, a waist that is too thin, arms that are too muscular…

I sob and start to cry, as if my body knows something that my mind does not. Finally, I look at his face…

"Oh, gods…"

I know why I'm crying.

I sob again as Ran looks down at me, utter confusion and joy playing across his beautiful face.

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Morsag: (Gaelic) dirty woman; usually an insult to women (obviously) But if it's said to guys, it WAY worse!

*Cackles evilly* Just so you know… I have several stories in the works, so it's really slow going right now. And, sadly… I HAVE WRITTER'S BLOCK!!!!! *Sobs like Usagi* I'm trying really hard to update more often, but I'm also busy looking for a new job AND an apartment AND a roommate, so please don't hate me! Anyways, thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed!

--Deceased Laugh