Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Why We Hurt the Ones We Love ❯ One-Shot

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Why We Hurt the Ones We Love

Rating: NC17

Warnings: use of the f-word, dark content, Aya suffers, sexually abusive Yo-tan

Pairings: Yohji x Aya

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, if the owners of the series want me to remove my fic I certainly will (all it takes is asking!) Totally not worth suing - I am already in debt (student loans and such) and as far as my handle … well, I don’t mean to infringe on their trademark either - it was late and the pill bottle was sitting there and I couldn’t come up with anything better at the time. It’s good stuff! I recommend it to people with headaches! See - free endorsement and I am making no money from any of this so …

I appreciate feedback, but will not hold my breath for it… much…

Oh, and this was written late at night and has not been beta’d.
Crummy grammar and nonsensical sentences are all generated from my sleep deprived mind.

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Self destructive tendencies. That’s what the Kritiker shrinks told me my problem was. I don’t think I really understood what they meant at the time. Self destructive? Me? I’m an assassin for god’s sake… that’s not exactly a healthy career choice.

It pissed me off to hear them say it, but what good was their diagnosis anyway? That’s the thing about Kritiker doctors… they are all too happy to point out your shortcomings and problems, but they don’t bother to set you up with a ‘treatment.’ They just tell you in no uncertain terms that you will be taken off ‘active duty’ if can not show improvement within X amount of time. Which is just fine… because I really don’t think I’d follow their prescribed regimen for physical or mental health improvement anyway.

I’ve never put much stock in what they have to say, but I’ve also never forgotten it. It reverberates sharply within my head at this very moment as I sit here asking myself why I’ve done such a horrible thing… Why is it that when I finally got my way… I had to go and do… this unspeakable deed… to him…

He’s an innocent in all this. He has never been a part of my neurosis, and I had never planned on hurting him so. Upon reflection, I really should have known myself better… at least well enough to heed the shrinks’ warnings. They told me I haven’t forgiven myself for Asuka’s death. They are right about that. They informed me that my guilt over her death is making me feel that I do not deserve happiness… which is why, given the opportunity, I will destroy whatever happiness comes my way. They have warned me time and again that decisions I make in between and during missions will be colored by these pent up feelings of guilt I am harboring… and that someday one of my self destructive choices may be outwardly destructive. I told them to go fuck themselves, and blew off everything they’d told me on the subject of my mental health.

I know now that I blew them off because I didn’t want to hear it… it hit too close to home.

I’ve had a thing for Aya ever since I first saw him. I won’t lie and say he’s the only guy I’ve ever been attracted too… but he is the first to consistently haunt my dreams. A few months after he joined the team, it became apparent to me that this was not just a passing fancy… I had it bad for him. I think it was the sexual attraction combined with the respect I had developed for him as a teammate that made my feelings for him deepen beyond lust… which was why I was terrified to approach him with them. I have never been afraid of being shot down by women, but rejection from Aya hurt just to think about.

I finally grew some balls and started flirting with him. It was playful at first, and I quickly realized that he didn’t think I was serious. I progressively made my intentions clear, until he was unable to casually dismiss them. Miraculously, he began to respond to my advances. I was shocked at the success of my attempts at seduction. Aya has always been rather cold and closed off to the rest of us. I would love to hear what the Kritiker shrinks would have to say about him…

It was easier than I’d ever imagined to get him warmed up to the idea of ‘us.’ He had never been with anyone before, I could tell. I think he trusted me… probably the same sort of respect I have for him as a teammate was a factor in his acquiescence. A trust that I shattered completely in just one night.

I had finally gotten close to Aya… I mean really close. Tonight was the night… I finally had won his complete trust and I had made him feel wanted. He’s a lot more delicate then you’d think if you judged him by his harsh exterior, but I had finally gotten past the façade he puts up. He’s really just afraid… I think he fears attachments because of how easily they can be turned against him by his enemies… and how easily the one’s he has loved in the past have been taken from him. He still hasn’t let go of his sister. Having everyone he’s loved taken from him all at once has left him terrified to love again.

So I coaxed him into believing it would be different with me. We’re both assassins - we can defend ourselves. I opened him up, and made him believe it was safe to feel again.

After a series of outings, that I wouldn’t quite call dates, he and I were finally ready to take it to the next level. Instead of parting ways at the end of the night, he came with me back to my bedroom. I was very tender with him; I knew it was his first time.

I think he resented the gentle treatment… mostly because he knew it was what he needed in order to not bolt and run from the situation. Really he resented his own weakness and inexperience. He was really vulnerable, but he laid himself out for me. He trusted me completely. I was elated. I really do love him.

He was ungodly nervous, but I made him forget his worries with a bout of heavy petting and deep tongue kissing. He was really hard and ready for release in no time flat. He was practically begging for it… and being the virgin that he was, I am not really sure if he was completely aware of what he was begging for.

The first time, I took him face up. I did so not only for my own gratification, as I had pictured him flushed, panting and moaning in pleasure beneath me for quite some time now, but for his benefit as well. I knew he was feeling open and exposed, and that it would do a great deal to sooth him if he were able to look up into my face and see the love I had for him shining in my eyes. Yes, I am aware of how dreadfully sappy that sounds… but it’s true, and it did help immensely when he was on the verge of changing his mind and calling the whole thing off.

We lay together afterwards, breathless and sated. He clung to my side and stared into space for a long time; the inner cogs of his mind spinning away over what he’d just done and the consequences it would bring. The cuddling seemed to sooth him, and I was glad for it - being that close to him was like a little slice of heaven. I felt happy… truly happy for the first time in a long time.

Sure, the whole time I had been seducing Aya had been filled with excitement and anticipation, but it was colored by the simultaneous dread and constant fear of rejection. This cemented the deal. Aya and I were an item. He’d accepted me. We had united in the physical sense… he was actually curled up at my side smiling up at me. I was just so happy… it was a foreign and unnatural sort of feeling really.

I was ready to go again in no time, and he was happy to oblige me. This time I took him from behind. He had encouraged some rougher handling… I think he had something to prove to himself. I do not disappoint my lovers, even when I think their wishes may be a bit …well, ‘self destructive’ to quote my shrinks.

I was riding him at a quite pleasurable pace, when the aggression set upon me from out of no where. It really seemed inexplicable at the time, but suddenly I resented him. Now I realize I resented the happiness he was making me feel, and I was resenting myself for feeling it. It was not right… I shouldn’t be happy… not after I failed Asuka so miserably.

The resentment came so fast and furious that I didn’t stop to analyze it as I have now. I poured it out on the easiest target; because it was that or face it myself, and I was sure that it would eat me alive. Suddenly every harsh word Aya had ever said to me, and every time he’d ever ignored me and acted like the icy prick he was so famous for portraying came rushing to the forefront of my memories.

I was so furious with him… for every little infraction he’d committed against my person… or Ken, or Omi, or anyone…. It didn’t really matter - I was dredging up incidents that really hadn’t bothered me at the time, and I was spinning them to be unforgivable violations…

Aya let out a pained groan beneath me and I realized I had unconsciously quickened my pace to be sharp and hurtful… He was unwilling to speak up on his own behalf, or perhaps he was still trusting me to make it good for him.

That’s when the words started pouring out of me. Cruel, hurtful words… horrible things… I called him a whore, and a liar. He sort of froze at that; confused by the abrupt change in my behavior towards him.

“What?! Yohji, stop!” he was stunned, but not enough to let me go on as if he hadn’t heard me.

I cursed at him again, and told him ‘to shut the fuck up or I’d shut him up myself.’

That really got him. He started to pull away but I had his hips in a bruising grip that he couldn’t squirm out of. He began bucking and writhing in a futile attempt to distance himself from me.

“Stop!!! Let fucking GO of me, Yohji!” His hands were prying at mine, and he managed to loosen my grip a bit - so I grabbed a fistful of his hair instead. He yelped and tore at my hand with his nails … fighting one dirty tactic with another. I rode him relentlessly as he attempted to buck me off and away from him. I was gripping his hair much the same way one would grip the mane of a horse they were riding bareback; determined not to be dislodged during what had become a rough ride.

I never relented in my cruel pace. I was thrusting as deeply as I could into him, and rolling my hips with the intent of causing the maximum amount of pain.

My tirade of verbal abuse did not falter either. I told him exactly what I had thought of him on those rare occasions that what he’d said had actually gotten under my skin.

He never stopped fighting me. He never stopped pleading with me to stop.

At one point I used the grip I had on his hair to shove his face into the mattress. I held his struggling form down until his movements became weak and erratic from lack of oxygen. I then pulled him back so that he was seated on my lap, and thrust into him from a whole new angle. He was in a much better position to fight me now, but recovering from asphyxiation he was far too out of it to do so.

His breath came in hitched sobs, but aside from that, he remained nearly silent until I’d finished with him. His struggles were significantly weaker, but they did not die out entirely. Now and then a whimpered plea for mercy escaped him.
In a final act of maliciousness, I came deep inside of him and then flung him away from myself like one of my used up cigarette butts.

Throughout last few moments of his torture, there had been a voice in the back of my head screaming at me - railing at me - to stop. Deep down, I had known what I was doing was misdirected; there was a part of me that was ready to face my self loathing if it meant sparing Aya this pain… but as a whole, I had been too weak to acknowledge it. He had suffered for my inability to face my guilt; he is my martyr.

As my head cleared, I was instantly filled with regret. I was apologetic, but I knew there was nothing I could say or do that would ease the hurt I had just caused. The iminent futility didn’t stop me from at least trying...

“Oh, Aya! Oh my god! Aya, I am so sorry! I … I didn’t mean any of it! God, Aya! … it… that wasn’t me talking… I wasn’t… I don‘t feel that way! Aya, I am sorry, you’ve got to believe me, I’d never do anything to hurt you…” I reached for his huddled form which I had callously flung to the other side of my bed and he actually cowered from me. He was trembling and even without seeing his face, I knew he was crying silently.

“Please, Aya …” This time when I reached for him, he cried out in alarm and retaliated with force to keep me from laying hands on him. I didn’t know what else to do… so I left him there, a huddled mass on my bed.

Now I am sitting on the roof … smoking away like the hopeless addict I am. And sitting up here attempting suicide by lung cancer has given me the serenity I needed for this introspection.

It’s no coincidence that I am sitting above the window to my own room… I know he is still in there. Part of me hopes that he will forgive me someday; the more in-touch-with-reality side of me knows that he can’t. Not after that… and I really can not blame him. As a matter of fact, in a warped sort of way, I would be sort of disappointed in him if he did forgive me. Doesn’t he have anymore self worth than that?

I found happiness… nah - I found true bliss like I never knew existed… and I punched an irreparable hole in it and watched it plummet from the sky in flames, not unlike the Hindenberg.

So I guess the shrinks were right… I do have self destructive tendencies and can’t allow myself to be happy. They always thought it would lead to mission failure, and maybe they are right with the dynamic between myself and Aya forever changed…

I always thought talking about your problems was for the weak… but now I see that I was too weak to face them when I should have. It takes great strength to face one’s shortcomings… and had I done so in the first place this disaster could have been averted… but I fear it is too late now.


Fin.
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