X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Ten Reasons to Love Somebody ❯ Loveless Nights ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: If X/1999 and TB were mine, I wouldn't have all those restraining orders from CLAMP…

 

Ten Reasons to Love Somebody

 

VIII. Loveless Nights

 

Steam whirled and rolled from glossy porcelain walls. Within the breath of the white china cup, hot liquid swirled untouched. It merely reflected the anxious expression of its holder. Subaru nervously kept his eyes on his cup of green tea, only occasionally glancing up from it to sneak looks at his guest, who merely sat across from him in pursed silence.

 

“Is, is the tea alright?” he queried softly.

 

She gazed back at him from her place on the sofa. “Yes, it's fine, Subaru-san.”

 

He managed to relax a little. “Thank you, Obaa-chan, for coming.”

 

Her expression did not change, and he tried not to fidget as he felt her pale eyes resting on him. “News reached me in Kyoto of what happened at Ikebukuro. That is what brings me here,” replied Lady Sumeragi.

 

Subaru bowed his head. “I apologize for letting the barrier fall. I shouldn't have been so careless.”

 

She replaced her teacup on the small dish on her lap. “Your defeat only increases the urgency of the matters I have come to discuss.”

 

As his grandmother continued to speak, Subaru kept his eyes on her, and nodded at the end of each sentence. Yet as much as he tried, his thoughts were not on the conversation they shared this late afternoon at his apartment, but days ago, when he awoke in a far away hotel room.

 

Seishirou smiled even in his sleep. He stirred in the Sakurazukamori's arms and guilt racked him as he knew it would in the morning after—only it was not morning. They had slept almost through the entire day so as Subaru stared at the curtains the light at their edges was copper in the dazzling sunset.

 

He noted that it had been a particularly long and pleasant sleep, and he realized that this was because someone had been holding him the entire time. Waking up to Seishirou's sleeping grin, and being snug in his arms had been one of the most comforting of feelings, yet it was because of this that he was also ashamed and spiteful of himself.

 

He faintly blushed upon noticing that the only thing that he wore was the other man's large, white shirt, which must have been pulled over his wounds while he was fast asleep. However, the color in his face intensified when he realized that Seishirou, too, slept naked against him—an all too agonizing reminder of what they had done last night.

 

At once, he wriggled free of his arms, and crawled out of bed. Perhaps he could preserve his self-respect if he left before Seishirou awoke to say anything. Unfortunately, this was already unlikely as he soon found himself on his hands and knees groping for his boxers in the dark.

 

He breathed with relief when his search proved successful, but no sooner had he begun redressing did an arm hook around his waist from behind. His heartbeat sprinted at feeling Seishirou breathing at the top of his neck.

 

“I don't believe,” he began, while sliding the boxers off his prey, “you'll be needing those for the next few hours.”

 

Subaru gasped as a hand cupped his exposed groin. Seishirou kissed the back of his neck, and with a sinister grin, led him back to the bed. They really did end up spending two nights at the hotel.

 

—And every night after at his apartment. The neighbors must have hated him by now.

 

Sleeping with the enemy on a nightly basis: what did that make him? He recalled how concerned the other Seals were when he returned after he had been missing for two days. And despite the trouble they must have endured on his account, he could give them no valid explanation for his disappearance. How would they react to the sinful truth that he was betraying them all?

 

What would his grandmother think, sitting across from him now, if she knew that he had become everything she feared? That night after night he spread his legs for another man, and worse yet, the Sakurazukamori, who had crippled her and murdered her granddaughter? He was a disgrace to everyone; if only they knew.

 

And regardless of everything, all he wanted at that moment was to be pinned beneath Seishirou, hearing his name on the other man's baritone voice. It was his cursed desire to love and lust after him. Seishirou did not love him, however, and he doubted that he ever would. That left lust as the only thing they could share. He really was no more than a whore, used only for his body.

 

What would Hokuto think if she was alive to see what he had become?

 

His head bent lower in grief. He wanted to tell himself that it was alright as long as it was Seishirou who did this to him.

 

He wanted to tell himself a lot of things.

 

“Subaru-san! Are you listening?” demanded his grandmother.

 

Subaru bit his bottom lip to stop tears from welling up in his eyes. “I'm sorry, Obaa-chan.” He glanced back up, trying to reassure her that he meant to listen.

 

She sighed. “I will come to the point, Subaru-san. There is a chance that you may not survive this battle. Your defeat at Ikebukuro made that clear.”

 

“That is a risk we have always known,” replied Subaru.

 

She nodded gravely. “If you should die, you must also know that there is no one who is currently capable of succeeding your position.”

 

He, of course, was aware of this as well. There was no heir with the ability to take his title in the family. It had been pointed out to him many times over recent years at his rare visits to Kyoto. “Then what are we to do?” he asked, already having a bad premonition as to what the answer might be.

 

“The elders, myself included, have agreed that it may be time to arrange a wife for you.”

 

The blood siphoned from his face. She could not have been serious; arrange a marriage for him!? Her unyielding eyes showed no hidden glimmer that any of this was to be taken lightly. He felt ill. “No. Absolutely not.”

 

“Subaru-san, you must attend to the needs of the family. Your responsibilities as—”

 

“My responsibilities as the head of the family have no place in governing who I am to-to procreate with!” he exclaimed more firmly than he ever dared before with his grandmother. The whole idea was ludicrous; if for one moment she and the others expected him to yield to this wild demand, they must have been mistaken.

 

But her voice remained soft, firm, and belittling. “Some of the elders have been talking, Subaru-san. They are saying that you are…” she hesitantly trailed away as if the very words she left unspoken were of the worst sort of taboo.

 

He stared back, finding himself impatient for her to continue. “They are saying that I'm what?”

 

“Deviant. That you do your `procreating' with other men.”

 

His protests deadened, and a soft blush swelled over his face. They both knew that there was no use in denying this shameful secret. “And…what did you say?”

 

Lady Sumeragi's eyes were cold with only the slightest hints of emotion beginning to show at the edges. “I told them…that my grandson respects our family tradition.”

 

He looked away as he sensed her eyes imploring him; there could be nothing more to say between them. The two shrine maids that had accompanied her emerged from where they quietly stood in the hallway, and helped her back into her wheelchair.

 

When she was about to leave, Subaru quickly rose from his chair to see her out, yet the sudden movement awoke a sharp and forgotten pain between his legs. He cursed himself as he almost fell over, thus capturing the attention of his grandmother and her caretakers.

 

“Subaru-san?”

 

“I-I'm fine,” he tried to convince her.

 

“You're limping,” she remarked suspiciously.

 

His eyes grew frightened as he felt blood rising to his face. The last thing he could do was blush in front of his grandmother right then; at once she would know that he was keeping something from her, something dark and horrible. He looked away from her probing gaze. “I, I twisted my ankle. Th-this morning.”

 

By her expression, he knew that she could not have believed him, but she nevertheless continued toward the door. “Consider what I have said over the next few days. Think about the future of our family. And Subaru…” Her voice became tender and almost frail. She weakly smiled at him. “…please take care of yourself.”

 

He wordlessly closed the door, and leaned against it with a mournful sigh. Deviant. They really had no idea how so.

 

Left exhausted, irritated, and in dire need of relief, Subaru stormed toward the bedroom. When he flung open the door, he found Seishirou sitting on his bed reading one of his books.

 

He glanced up from the novel with a taunting grin. “Did you have a nice visit?”

 

Subaru lightly smiled back, and shyly motioned for him to come closer. Intrigued, Seishirou set aside the book, and obeyed. When they were close enough, Subaru leaned inches away.

 

And smacked him so hard that he reeled backwards.

 

He caressed the hot imprint the Sumeragi's hand left on his face. “And what was that for?” he inquired with amusement that, once again, he had been caught off guard.

 

Subaru angrily limped forward, gesturing at his legs. “This!” he growled.

 

He broke into devious laughter. “You certainly weren't complaining last night.”

 

“No,” replied Subaru. “I'm complaining about it now.”

 

Seishirou risked walking back toward him. “Well, let's see if I can't change that…” He had barely placed his arms around his slender waist when Subaru grabbed his collar, and pulled him close for a famished kiss. No sooner had the Sakurazukamori adjusted to this did he feel the smaller body in his arms press up against his with urgency while Subaru's hands ruffled through his hair.

 

When they broke away, Seishirou licked his lips in satisfaction. “Delectable. You're rather eager today, aren't you?”

 

Subaru lazily breathed against his ear. “And you're not?”

 

He softly chuckled back. Lady Sumeragi's visit could not have been an enjoyable one if it provoked this sort of behavior out of his prey. Nevertheless, he could hardly complain when its effects were so refreshingly pleasant. “Perhaps we should have your dear grandmother call on you more often; it definitely spices things up.”

 

He glared, in no mood for the slightest mention of his grandmother or the Sumeragi family, for that matter. “Shut up.”

 

Seishirou continued laughing, and did so by giving him a long kiss.

 

What remained of the afternoon soon stretched into night. But the time was never a deterrent, and a single golden light kept Subaru's bedroom awake. Heaps of clothes littered the gleaming wooden floor, long discarded and forgotten by their owners.

 

They lied against each other glazed in sweat and exhausted as they smoked. Despite his fatigue, Seishirou was in grave danger of falling out of the bed as he shook with laughter.

 

Subaru watched him ruefully. “Quit laughing. It's not funny.”

 

But he went on snickering so that he nearly choked on the tobacco of his cigarette. When he recovered, he grinned at the Sumeragi. “My congratulations to the lucky bride,” he teased.

 

Subaru indignantly put out his own cigarette. “I don't know why I bothered to tell you. It's not like you give a damn.”

 

“Why Subaru-kun, you hurt me. Of course I care.” He leaned closer with an insincere spark in his eye. “I happen to believe that you make the most fascinating pillow talk.”

 

Subaru glowered. Pillow talk. His own family wanted to marry him off for the purpose of an heir, and the man considered it pillow talk. He hated to think of what made a serious conversation.

 

“Although,” commented Seishirou offhandedly. “I must say that I can't think much of the Sumeragi family.”

 

He gave him a dangerous look. It was one affair for Seishirou to insult and use him, but he had no right to make assumptions about his family.

 

Seishirou ignored him, and continued speaking. “How crude it must be to regard another member of the family only in body. To have just his abilities matter, and then to breed him like an animal to preserve his blood. No…that can hardly be called a family.”

 

“And what do you know about family, Seishirou-san!?” he growled in spite of the fact that he knew Seishirou was right. His tone softened, and he could not look him in the eye. “Don't even pretend that you have an interest in anything aside from my body. You're no different from them.”

 

Seishirou stubbed out his cigarette on the ashtray settled over the nightstand, and pulled the onmyouji into his arms. “Ah, but there is a difference, my Subaru-kun. They regard you only for what you can do. I, however, find you interesting for what you are.”

 

His breath caught, and he glanced up sadly. “And what am I, Seishirou-san?”

 

Seishirou brushed his lips against Subaru's. “You are…a beautiful, little doll.”

 

Subaru flinched. There was nothing new in the declaration, but each time he heard it, he was hurt. It should not have wounded him by now to be reminded that he was merely a possession, but the words always left cracks in Subaru's heart, which yearned to breathe and feel as a real person. No matter how impossible it was, that shattered piece of him longed to be loved in the face of all consequences. It never stopped hurting for love to be unrequited. But with any pain he now experienced, he had learned to bear it, accept it, and managed to forget by immersing himself in any pleasure that was concealed within.

 

He lowered his eyes in defeat. “I…know that.”

 

Seishirou brightened mischievously. “Then you also know that like any doll, I can make you squeak.” His hand slipped beneath the sheets past Subaru's waistline and squeezed.

 

“Sei-Seishirou-san!” he screamed, and their lovemaking began anew.

 

Night was a paradox for the both of them. At one moment it was torturous and boundless, while at another, it dwindled at the blink of an eye. And yet its flow was always forward so that every precious moment was reduced to a fading memory. Night was astonishing and rich with passion, but it was also fleeting and cruel.

 

It was also all they had together, and that was something to be cherished, whether they knew it or not.

 

As it wound on, it took its own rhythm so that it was almost by some mystical force that their bodies were enchanted into a melodic tempo of sex and dreams. Sleeping together brought comfort against morning's approach, when the spell would ultimately lift, thereby leaving everything as it had to be. Between dreaming, however, one of them would often remain awake as the other slumbered to ward off nightmares of the approaching dawn. And if they both were, they would make love until they fell asleep in each other's arms, assured that such a waking might never come.

 

There was so much desperation in every moment that was spent together. Doubtless, both of them saw that, but never said a word of it. Words were dangerous things between them as night wore on. The wrong ones could summon an incantation that threatened the sphere of peace that they dared to acknowledge. Everything was just as easily said through their bodies.

 

They were locked in blearing passion on the center of the bed. Subaru rocked and squirmed against Seishirou's lap, while strong hands fastened over his navel.

 

Seishirou enjoyed the whimpers and mewls that escaped Subaru as he made those overwhelming movements against him. He dragged kisses up and down his neck onto the sloping shoulder, where marks were already forming against the creamy skin. He breathlessly snickered as he predicted Subaru's rage when he noticed.

 

But Subaru's thoughts were elsewhere, and Seishirou noticed from behind that he was beginning to cry as he always did at least once every night.

 

Undeterred, he thrust deeper into his prey, making Subaru moan loudly as tears spilt over his face. His crying only intensified, regardless of the mounting pleasure as Seishirou took more control, and they plunged over the edge into ecstasy.

 

When it was over, Seishirou could only pull him against his chest, and try to relax him into a comforting sleep. Subaru clung to him, sobbing like a frightened child.

There was never pleasure without pain, and it was inevitable that all the shame and hurt of what he was doing came back to drown Subaru. He was lost in a sea of confusion with his sorrow, his hate, and his unfailing love with only Seishirou to guide him back.

 

After his sobs had diminished into choked crying, he looked up at Seishirou, who was still awake holding him. “I think that I'm losing my sanity…” he confessed wearily.

 

“But did you ever think of what you might be gaining?” asked Seishirou.

 

What was he gaining? Subaru regarded himself with even less value everyday. He was still drifting, waiting for his life to end at Seishirou's hands. All that had changed was that he now allowed Seishirou to touch him and take him as he wished. His love for the man allowed him to become no more than a doll to sate his lust. He did not know what there was to gain in such a state.

 

He buried his head in the other man's chest. “I think that's what scares me more.”

 

Minutes lingered, and Subaru's tears had eventually dried at a curious thought. “Seishirou-san?”

 

“Mm?” he answered sleepily.

 

“What does it make you…to be sleeping with a doll?”

 

Seishirou always had an answer, but when he looked into those wet emeralds, his reply astounded Subaru. “Lucky.”

Subaru drifted back to sleep. It was not what he was gaining; it was what he was becoming. To Seishirou and to himself, he may have been nothing more than a doll, but as he continued to sleep with him, he was becoming so much more. Entertainment, a good time, perhaps even a lover to whom no love was given: it was the closest he expected to become with Seishirou. It could have never been enough, but it was something that enabled him to forget and to love at the very same moment. And that could be the only reason that he did it.

 

They were only a breath away from loving on these loveless nights.