X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Ten Reasons to Love Somebody ❯ Beginning ( Chapter 10 )

Disclaimer: If X/1999 and TB were mine, I wouldn't have all those restraining orders from CLAMP…

 

Ten Reasons to Love Somebody

 

X. Beginning

 

Seishirou drifted. All there existed was the darkness that enveloped him—it was an abysmal void to which he had fallen. There was no sight, no sound, or touch; he was neither completely lost nor found. He simply was.

 

He wondered to himself if this was death, the very presence of which he had been an agent of all these years. He expected it to be vacant; he expected there to be nothing, and for some time he was convinced that this was so. But in the jaws of nothing, Seishirou gradually found himself with everything. He thought, and he remembered. And in his lingering consciousness, submersed in the unfathomable gloom, he felt.

 

Do you love me?

 

He remembered blood-stained snow. He remembered tufts of black silk, the strands of glossy hair sprawled against the ground. He took in crimson lips against his own, although they were swiftly draining of their warmth. He kissed his mother farewell as she lied dying in the snow. Her eyes gleamed brightly with such emotion. By contrast, his were empty of anything but curiosity.

 

“Do you love me?”

“I do. More than I can say.”

“And I love you, too, Kaa-san.”

 

Empty words, born from an emotionless killer. Maybe he had loved his mother, but…

 

“I am not the one you love the most…”

 

Seishirou-san!

 

What was it to love? Seishirou never knew. Was it to devote one's self endlessly to another? Or was it to endlessly protect them?

 

He recalled green eyes overflowing with so much to say, on this, a night filled with both pain and passion.

 

“You…protected me.”

“Did you forget? I told you that I would always find you, Subaru-kun. That I'd always be there.”

“W-why?”

“Why? Isn't it obvious?”

 

What was obvious? What had made him shield his prey on that night without a second thought? The truth was that it was never apparent to Seishirou—that the question `why' left him confused. Was there an answer?

 

No one in this world is beyond the reach of love.

 

Perhaps that was true. But even if this thing called `love' could touch every heart, it did not mean that it could be accepted, or deserved.

 

“No matter how much time passes, a murderer will remain a murderer.”

“You may not see the difference between objects and people, Seishirou-san, but I do!”

“I hate hearing your voice, seeing that damn grin of yours, and more than anything else, I hate you!”

 

Hate he could accept. Hate he deserved. Seishirou committed far too many evils to receive anything less. He was accustomed to those spiteful emeralds glaring his way. He expected to be cursed for breathing and reviled for daring to smile amid all of his sins. But there were also looks he received that he could never discern, tears that were shed for no distinguishable reason, and words that always left him puzzled.

 

“Everything revolves around him…because Seishirou-san is…”

“On that day, nine years ago, I swore an oath that I would kill you…but…that was not what I wanted…”

“Because I love you!”

 

Subaru had loved him, and Seishirou could not grasp this. He hurt and twisted someone who was once pure and gentle. He used his body and emotionally raped him time and again. And he was loved. It should have never been so. He thought himself beyond being loved.

 

Even if you have sins that can never be made right…you are still allowed to love.

 

He remembered the softly lit hotel room and how he watched as Subaru slept in the afterglow of their first night together. He had been entranced by every curve of the Sumeragi's naked figure lying against him. His eyes drank in all that was Subaru until he realized that an hour had elapsed and his prey was shivering exposed in his sleep.

 

He recalled how gentle he had been in pushing his own shirt over Subaru's bruised and bandaged torso as if he were handling a glass doll. He remembered how adorable the sleeping man looked draped in the oversized garment. But above all else, he remembered how Subaru curled against him the moment he resettled himself under the sheets and the peculiar sensation it sent flowing into his own body.

 

There was warmth that night, swirling into Seishirou with both tranquility and excitement at the same moment. It remained an inescapable shadow contained within every moment they made love, that he cuddled the Sumeragi, and when they shared the simplest kiss. It was a strange thing to feel, and he did not understand this among many enigmas that bemused him while in the company of the onmyouji.

 

But as his body was pierced by Subaru and he could feel his life trickling away, there was only that same, overwhelming warmth filling him. In his last conscious moments there were only Subaru's bright eyes glowing over him. There was only that soft, yet desperate, touch against his shoulders and the swelling fire that ignited in his heart as his flesh was broken. Seishirou no longer questioned what that feeling had been.

 

He was happy, genuinely happy, to find death at Subaru's hands. He had felt emotion, something real and pure from him. It was always there, whispering from the fissures in his heart whenever he held Subaru in his arms or felt his sleeping form rising and falling against his chest. It had only taken the use of Hokuto's spell—its backfiring, to have him realize what he had never acknowledged before.

 

“Seishirou-san!”

“No…don't leave me alone!”

 

Why could he not see it until the very end? Was death one's most lucid moment, where all the disconcerting, hidden truths must ultimately come to light? He never saw Subaru with both eyes, not even when he had them. The only thing he chose to remain completely blind to had been staring right back at him all this time.

 

“…don't...Please…”

“Sei…shirou…”

 

In those final moments, he saw and felt everything he never had before. It was wonderful to see all he never could and to appreciate what he took for granted. And it was all too cruel that those parting seconds were so short.

 

Subaru-kun…I hope you know how much I…

 

There was nothing more beautiful than to be killed by the one you love the most. Seishirou could finally appreciate the final words of his mother. There was so much glory, so much forbidden emotion in the moment. Yet deeper still lied something closer to the heart. Memories of wet emeralds, warm embraces, and tender words—angry curses, staggering violence, and bitter tears. There was something more beautiful, something much more precious, than to be killed by the one he loved the most.

 

It was to realize love itself.

 

The darkness dispelled with a flash of searing, white light. His sphere of gloom shattered about him like a mirror that broke under a faint glimmer of his truest reflection. He resigned himself to falling again, falling deeper into emptiness, although there was still warmth at the corners of his heart.

 

He felt slender fingers caressing his skin and brushing away loose strands of hair from his face. He was whole under those gentle fingers; their touch was never so sweet and warm as he had known before.

 

“Seishirou-san,” whispered an angelic voice in his ear.

 

The soothing breath of his name made him smile, but when he opened his eyes, he did not believe what he saw.

 

Subaru smiled back at him as he continued stroking his forehead. He glowed before Seishirou with devastating beauty. His expression held no twists of pain or guilt, and his jade eyes shimmered with affection. Seishirou knew at once that this was not the Subaru that he had left behind at Rainbow Bridge, but the young man he might have been without a life of agony and heartbreak.

 

“Seishirou-san? What are you still doing in bed?”

 

He did not answer the illusion, almost fearful that the very sound of his voice would shatter this impossible Subaru. He was unbroken with no trace of bitterness in those green eyes. He was pure and perfect, but nonetheless only a dying dream of what never was.

 

The illusion's smile widened. “It's time to wake up, Seishirou-san…” His head dipped lower, and soft, pink lips closed over Seishirou's.

 

Seishirou's eyes slid shut as a blissful heat was breathed into him. It was a moment that could last forever, if only Seishirou could convince himself that it could be real, that he could remain in the depths of such a wishful place. But the soft breath of that mouth slowly diminished from him, and he floated far away, with desire only lashing deeper within.

 

He wanted those big eyes to whip at him with an icy glare. He wanted to hear that sweet voice shout at him with rage. He wanted to feel that hand smack against his face. He wanted Subaru, his wonderfully tarnished Subaru-kun.

 

When the faintest memory of the sweet kiss strayed away from him, Seishirou found himself back in darkness. Yet all was not as he expected. The rhythm of a low beeping tone sped nearby, and he noticed himself in the dim glow of a pulse monitor. As he began to lightly breathe, he was embraced by the feathery touch of the bed sheets, yet he also felt a numb throbbing in his chest. But more than anything, Seishirou felt a trembling yet firm hand laced with his.

 

The remaining murk gave way to a lithe shadow poised over him as his eyes adjusted, and he gazed up in bemusement. At his first breath, Subaru was shivering on the verge of tears and burning relief.

 

Both of Subaru's hands clasped over his, fearing that at any moment he might vanish. “Sei-Seishirou-san!”

 

He could say nothing in response as the Sumeragi choked out his name between sobbing breaths. Seishirou was assured that it was but another cruel illusion and that he was merely falling deeper into death's jaws. This was not real; it couldn't be real.

 

However, as the onmyouji buried his face against his hand, and he felt Subaru's scalding tears trickle over his skin, he knew at once that it was not a hallucination. It was the real touch of his Subaru, and he froze at the realization, almost forgetting to breathe. He was alive.

 

Seishirou remained in stunned silence, finding no plausible reason that this could be. He had felt his blood rushing from his body, and cold blackness overwhelming him; he must have been dying, and yet he was in this hospital room, alive.

 

As Subaru forced down another sob, he curiously lifted his hand against the damp face, and caressed away a tear that welled at the corner of the Sumeragi's eye. His heart pounded stronger with every elapsing second, and Seishirou realized that it must have never been pierced in the first place.

 

But if Hokuto's spell had succeeded, how was this so? Subaru lifted his impassioned emerald eyes to his, and Seishirou was momentarily lost in them as they radiated with tears.

 

Because I love you!

 

When he attempted to rise from the bed to bring himself closer, the numb pain he had noticed before blossomed into sharp agony pinpointed just above his heart. At once, he understood. When Subaru had spoken those earth-shattering words as he was about to trigger the spell, his hand had wavered. And so when the attack backfired, Subaru's hand also faltered.

 

“I thought…I thought you were…” whimpered Subaru.

 

Seishirou found his own voice hoarse and quiet. “I thought…too…” He ran a hand along Subaru's cheekbone, assuring himself that every curve of him was real. But as he took in Subaru's appearance, he was haunted by the stark comparison between the illusion in his dreams and the weeping young man that clung to his arm. He could see the turmoil the Sumeragi had endured under his ruthlessness.

 

Seishirou did not know how long he was unconscious or how he awoke in this distant hospital. However, one glance at Subaru, and Seishirou knew that he had not slept for days. His complexion was deathly ashen, and it was also apparent that he had not eaten, either. Subaru suffered all of this to see him alive.

 

“Subaru-kun…” he whispered grimly. “…why? Why didn't you leave me to die?”

 

His shattered green eyes widened, and his sobs went dead. “Seishirou-san…?”

 

His honey eye sternly demanded the answer. “You should have left me. You should have let me bleed to death.”

 

Subaru grew mortified. “You…wanted to die…” he whispered in disbelief. Seishirou kept staring forward without making any attempt to deny this wish. Subaru felt weak. “And that afternoon…everything you did—it was to vex me, so that I would be able to-to…”

 

Seishirou was no longer able to look into those hurt eyes. “—to kill me. But you never had the will to harm anyone, Subaru-kun…”

 

Subaru stiffened and let Seishirou's hand drop from his grasp. “And so you used Hokuto-chan's spell.” The floor beneath him was spinning as the truth hammered into him. His sister had not died to cast a spell so that only his life would be spared. She cast it so that they would both live, that it might be a warning for them both to remain alive. Hokuto—she wanted him to love; she wanted him to live at Seishirou's side.

 

He lowered his head in the weight of such a revelation, unsure of which of the innumerable emotions he was to feel as Seishirou wordlessly watched. After pausing at great length, Subaru raised his eyes. They were quivering with anger. “You used her…and you used me…as your suicide weapon!”

 

“Subaru-kun—”

 

“Why!?” cried Subaru.

 

Seishirou did not answer.

 

“Look at me!” Subaru screamed despite the tears now pouring from his eyes. “Seishirou! Tell me why!”

 

His eye slowly met Subaru's heartbroken gaze. “There was nothing…more beautiful than to be killed by the one…you loved the most.”

 

The world rocked to a halt, and Subaru lost his breath. The other man's expression remained blank, betraying no lie or derisive grin, and he was unable to say a word.

 

“How very ironic of destiny…to dictate that we would be enemies, when you were never the enemy of anyone, Subaru-kun. Always pure and kind. And beautiful—so beautiful. Strange that fate would move us forward, when it also made us one, unable to resist or refuse, until this should happen.” He managed to lightly smile as his thoughts continued to wander. “Ironic indeed.”

 

Subaru gaped, his face becoming white. He looked in peril of collapsing at any given moment.

 

Seishirou kept his voice soft, as if such an endeavor could calm the Sumeragi. “Come here, Subaru-kun,” he said, motioning to a small space beside him on the bed. He felt an added sense of urgency when Subaru gazed back at him with frightened eyes. “Please,” he whispered.

 

Subaru obeyed uncertainly, afraid that he would aggravate Seishirou's wound, as well as the incessant throbbing in his own chest. He hesitantly eased himself under the sheets with Seishirou and gasped at the pleasant sensation of the other man's body warmth as he curled up at his right side. Seishirou embraced him the best he could with his grave injury, and Subaru let himself go completely. He sobbed against him.

 

Seishirou was uneasy as he tried to comfort the onmyouji. It was disturbing to betray his instincts as an assassin and to expose his own vulnerability in feeling. Nevertheless, to have Subaru breaking apart before him was far worse. Despite his initial reluctance, he held Subaru as tight as he could while rubbing the small of his back. “Don't cry…” he whispered.

 

But when Subaru looked up at him, he was ready to smack him. “You fool…you're such a fool!” he whimpered while he fastened an arm around Seishirou's waist.

 

He stared back at the Sumeragi with undisguised shock.

 

“If you loved…if you felt love, then why would you try to kill yourself!?” exclaimed Subaru, who was at the same time searching for the answer in his own hypocrisy.

 

He tried to bring a comforting smile to his face, but failed. “You were meant to hate me, Subaru-kun. You should hate me.”

 

“Of course I hate you!” he shot back. Seishirou acknowledged this with a short nod, but Subaru continued speaking. “But…I loved you more…and as much as I tried to destroy it…even though I thought it was wrong, and I hated myself every moment…” More tears spilt down his face. “Seishirou-san…I love you…so much.”

 

Seishirou cupped the side of Subaru's face. “Subaru-kun…”

 

But he trailed away, unsure of what he could say to him to make anything right. He only stared into that paling expression, watching rivers of tears sparkle down jade wells. The illusion that plagued him was only a mere vision; the truth was that Subaru was hurt—he was twisted and tarnished. And in spite of his fault for everything, he let himself lapse in that deep desire he recalled from his dream of how much he wanted to see that delicate face one last time.

 

The smile he tried to summon now found its own way to his expression. “My beautiful Subaru-kun. So beautiful…” he whispered again and again.

 

Subaru quivered and swallowed hard against his tears. Seishirou's smile was almost sad as that weak hand touched him. The tears began to dry as the Sakurazukamori inched his mouth closer to his in spite of the pain it must have caused Seishirou to do so. He held his breath when Seishirou whispered against his parted lips.

 

“My Subaru.”

 

Seishirou lost his voice as their lips touched. The kiss was soft and gentle, but it held Subaru spellbound as if everything that Seishirou was seeped into him and was surging to his heart. Its tremendous warmth engulfed all memory of what was—encounters of unrequited passion, possessive lust, and bitterness soaked in desperation. It could have been his first kiss, and he hoped that it might never end because Seishirou's lips were more treasured to him than the air that sustained him.

 

When they broke contact, Seishirou fell back in obvious agony. “You will never forgive me.”

 

Subaru breathlessly silenced, reading the resignation of the other man's mismatched eyes. Seishirou was a murderer; he took Hokuto from him. Nothing could change that. As Seishirou himself had only just said, they were fated to be enemies—Dragons of Heaven and Earth, Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori, destined to be sworn rivals. But in the face of destiny, they loved so fiercely. Hokuto had died believing in that love, and their passion crossed the very lines of life and death in their innermost desires.

 

Subaru found the courage to rise from the hospital bed, and he hovered over Seishirou. His mouth pressed against that of the only one he had ever loved with all his soul. “I need you…and I love you, beyond anything else. Seishirou-san…”

 

He stared, mesmerized by Subaru's conviction. “Then what is to follow? Your family will cast you away, your friends will resent you, and destiny will never stop hunting the both of us. You know that, Subaru-kun.”

 

Subaru glanced away. Were they to run from destiny? And after all the other Seals endured, all that they did to help him and Seishirou at Rainbow Bridge, would he leave them? His family wanted him to marry in order to further the bloodline. If he bound himself to Seishirou, he would be abandoned and declared dead rather than a disgrace to his position.

 

But nothing meant more than to be in Seishirou's arms. His eyes sparkled with resolve, and he laid a second kiss over him in spite of all the possible consequences.

 

“Subaru-kun,” whispered Seishirou.

 

“Let destiny chase us, then.”

 

“You'll lose everything.”

 

He knew Seishirou was right, but not even reason could tear him away. And in spite of his words, Seishirou continued to stroke his face adoringly as they desperately kissed. The dark hospital room was breaking away, and the universe was dead to them both. Clinging to one another, they were whole, two intermingling hearts with no beginning or end. Nothing could matter more.

 

“You are everything.”

 

****

 

Shadows flickered over the fluorescently lit tiles of the hospital with dire urgency. Morning had dawned with a disheartening phone call to Imonoyama Mansion. Not even fifteen minutes had followed when Kamui, accompanied by Nokoru, rushed into the hospital.

 

At the front desk, Nokoru remained courteous and collected for the nurse. “Hello, we are friends of Sumeragi-san, who was with one of your patients. A Sakurazuka Seishirou-san?”

 

The nurse froze in wide-eyed panic. “You better speak to the doctor.”

 

“What's wrong!?” cried Kamui. “What happened to Subaru?”

 

“Please. This way,” she urged, leading them to the doctor's office.

 

They opened the door to a very distraught man. At seeing Nokoru, he jumped from his seat and bowed profusely. “Imonoyama-san! Please forgive me! Please forgive this hospital—in all my years of practicing, this sort of thing—”

 

“What did you do to them!?” exclaimed Kamui frantically.

 

Nokoru attempted to calm the teen while keeping his eyes on the doctor. “Sensei, what happened?”

 

“We…lost Sakurazuka-san.”

 

He stared back. “He died?”

 

“N-no!” dismissed the doctor. “We lost him…when the nurse came to check his vitals, he was nowhere to be found…”

 

“And where's Subaru!?” demanded Kamui.

 

The doctor flinched. “Also gone—Sakurazuka-san could not have left by himself. Forgive me, Imonoyama-san…I never should have honored your request to let him remain at Sakurazuka-san's side.”

 

Kamui looked to the floor as Nokoru laid a hand over his shoulder. The doctor hurried to his desk, with more to add. “The nurse…she found these on the bed.” He produced two ofuda from the table, one black and the other white. They overlapped. “A-and, there was a letter…addressed to Shirou Kamui-san.”

 

“Kamui-kun,” whispered Nokoru.

 

Kamui at once recognized Subaru's handwriting on the envelope, but did not open it. He already knew what it must have said.

 

“Imonoyama-san…we were about to call the authorities, if you—”

 

“Don't bother,” said Kamui as he held the letter to his chest. “There's no use in searching for them…”

 

Although Nokoru did not quite understand, he nodded with agreement. “Please do not involve the police.” When the doctor began to protest, he interjected. “I will not hold this hospital at fault…and it is probably for the best that we forget what has happened here, Sensei. I believe…that there may have been greater forces influencing our friend…”

 

Nokoru and the doctor continued to debate, but Kamui no longer listened. Subaru was gone, and he would probably not be coming back for some time. Emptiness filled him as he held that unopened envelope, but somehow he could not bring himself to be angry or sad. “Subaru…”

 

****

 

The sun was rising. The sky was bright with splashes of rose and orange swimming amongst the glowing clouds, and golden fingers of light brushed morning over the slumbering Earth. A sunrise in Kanagawa was beautiful like a flower in bloom. The air was chilled, but it was rich with the out of season buds of sakura and red camellias sparkling with the dew in the waking sunlight.

 

Subaru ventured from the warmth of the house onto the round stepping stones in the backyard. The stones were littered with wet petals, tickling his feet as he treaded across them to the pond centered among the sakura trees and vibrant bushes.

 

It was early, and the birds were only beginning to serenade the day with their songs. The water of the pond shimmered at sunrise's touch, and he absentmindedly watched the sakura drifting over its gleaming surface.

 

A month had passed, and yet these mornings often roused him from bed so that he was captive to the magnificence of Kanagawa every day. It had been Seishirou's suggestion to retreat here, to the house of his mother, where he was born. Subaru forgot that he had ever been nervous to be there in the midst of such serenity.

 

Their month was spent in hiding. However, in their solitude, Seishirou swiftly recovered from his wound, and it became a pleasant existence unfettered by days and weeks. There was peace; there were no family responsibilities, no messengers from his grandmother, and no battles for the Earth. The future remained uncertain, but Subaru knew that it would not bother him if the world should crumble tomorrow. To be with Seishirou was enough.

 

Nevertheless, he often spent nights in the other man's arms concerned with the fate of those he left behind, particularly Kamui, who he betrayed the most. He considered sending another letter, but deemed it too much of a risk, especially after he summoned the resolve to write to his grandmother, explaining why he would not be marrying. The danger was enormous as he knew he could be found if Lady Sumeragi willed it. But no one had come looking for him, and he could only hope that he was lost to the outside world.

 

Subaru came to watch the sunrise every morning because it helped him forget, and it encouraged him to hope. Dawn never failed to comfort him; it ushered in another day with Seishirou in their new life. The sunrise was a mirror of all they had: every soft whisper, every kiss, every night spent together so that by each morning it was even more beautiful.

 

He fought down his shivering as he gazed at the blushing sky. He slipped from their bed rather quickly so he would not miss a second; however, he wore only Seishirou's long pajama bottoms, and his naked chest was numb in the cold.

 

He was startled when arms closed over his shoulders, but at their strong embrace, he soon relaxed against them.

 

“Another early morning, Subaru-kun?” Seishirou drew the folds of the coat he wore over Subaru, and pulled him close.

 

“Mmm…warm,” he moaned as hands trailed up and down his waist.

 

Seishirou played with his ear. “It will be warmer if you come inside…” he purred.

 

Subaru arched an eyebrow at his lover. “Give me a reason.”

 

He chuckled and took in his mouth for a long kiss. Seishirou's grin extended against those cherry lips as Subaru fell against him. He lifted the Sumeragi into his arms, and walked back to the house, briefly pausing at every step to lay kisses on him.

 

As they neared the door, Subaru curled against his chest and grinned back. “You're making breakfast.”

 

It was only their new beginning.

 

Owari