Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Behind Blue Eyes ❯ Day Six: Where Are You? ( Chapter 20 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: kiokukaiba 
Jou finally finds Seto, but what he finds makes his heart stop.
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.02.2007 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 642 | Status: Work In Progress
Jou finally finds Seto, but what he finds makes his heart stop.
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.02.2007 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 642 | Status: Work In Progress
Behind Blue Eyes
- - -
Recap:
He left me standing there, frozen like some ancient statue. The door was left open, and it looked like hell inside, like there had been. . . a fight. Seto. Where was Seto? Seto was inside. . . Saki was leaving. . . and that smile. . .
. . . that victorious smile.
- - -
My heart was pounding hard inside my chest, the noise ringing in my ears and drowning out all else. Thump. Thump. Thump. My whole body felt the deafening rhythm.
I stepped through the door that the devil had left open. I could finally see the damage that he had left in his wake. Shutting the door behind me, I moved cautiously into my living room. It was a mess. The coffee table that normally sat a few feet away from the couch was now lying on its side on the other end of the room. The couch itself was now sitting crooked, one of the bottom cushions pulled away from it.
A laptop was upside down against the wall. Seto’s laptop. Lifting it gently, I could see that he had been sending an email to one of his executives. Looking closer, I could see that he had been mid-sentence when it was dropped (or was it thrown?) to the floor.
I sat the computer back down. I was delaying what I knew was to come. Saki had left empty-handed, which meant that Seto was still inside.
My heart’s pace quickened further as I peeked into the kitchen. A large part of me expected to find my precious brunet dead, either strangled or. . . no. I had to have faith that there was still something that I could do. I knew that I shouldn’t have let him go home alone, and believe me, I will never leave him alone again.
The kitchen was just as we had left it that morning. There was a mug on the table that hadn’t been there earlier, but Seto probably just needed his caffeine fix after school. I felt the corners of my mouth tug upward in a pitiful smile. His little habits were so cute, no matter how normal they were. Anything he did just seemed so adorable.
I left my kitchen and went towards the one location where I was sure he would be: my bedroom. My body tried to follow my heart, causing my legs to feel heavy, making it difficult to carry onward. No. Though I didn’t want to see what I may see, I had to. For Seto, I had to. My legs began to feel lighter and the beads of sweat that had suddenly formed on my forehead didn’t seem so important.
The door to my room was wide open, and I found myself running in. “Seto!” I called, much to my own surprise, and was greeted with absolute silence. Was he unconscious? I opened the eyes that I hadn’t realized were closed and scanned the room. No one inside, nothing out of place. . . where was Seto? Was he really not here and Saki just tore up my living room because he was pissed at finding no one home?
As I went back down the hall, I peeked into the bathroom, “He didn’t have anything when I saw him leaving. . . yeah, Seto must have gone to Kaiba Corporation or something before Saki got here.” My relief lasted only for an instant, “But if he left, then why was his laptop still here and turned on? Why was an email still open? Why would he have stopped mid-sentence?” My anxiety returned. I had checked every room and yet. . . no, I hadn’t checked every room.
Coming near the living room again, I saw one detail that I hadn’t previously noticed before; the door to my father’s bedroom was standing wide open. Mustering up every ounce of courage within me, I urged myself inside. . . and found who I had been searching for.
The last rays of sunlight filtered ever-so-slightly through the closed binds of the windows. I flipped the light switch by the door to better illuminate what I already knew was there. I approached the bed in slow steps, not so sure if this was actually happening. It was like a car wreck that I couldn’t look away from, and it really looked like he had been in an accident. . . there was blood running down his arms, starting that the wrists and winding down in intricate rivers until it dried or fell to the sheets. Each of Seto’s arms were bound to the posts of the headboard by handcuffs. Saki may have brought the cuffs with him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard had found them lying around my father’s room.
While his arms were bound above his head, Seto had his legs bent up against his chest, his ankles crossed but not bound. I stopped by the bedside. Breathing felt like a chore and I wasn’t even sure if I was actually moving toward him or away from him. It seemed that every step I took he moved more distant from me, like a goal that I could never reach. I tried to put my hand out and touch him, but my arm froze before I could complete the gesture.
His naked body was more pale than usual, his entire form quivering just enough to be noticed. My own body, I had just realized, shook at the same pace. The hand I had held out just in front of me was visibly shivering, unable to get near the blue-eyed god. It was like there was some sort of barrier around him, an untouchable aura that wouldn’t let me near. . . but that couldn’t be the case. He had already been touched by-
The blood in my body rushed to my face, not in a blush but in absolute anger. Saki had to die. There was no other way to deal with him, not in my mind. Perhaps a bullet to his fucking temple, that would fix that fucking grin he always wore. No, no, that would be much too quick. I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp first. . . but that time would come later. Right now, the only object of my thoughts should be Seto.
I opened my mouth to say his name, but my voice refused to obey me, just as my hand that remained suspended within a foot of my target. . . his eyes! They were open! They were open, but. . . he wasn’t even looking at me. He seemed to be staring at the ceiling.
“Seto.” I whispered, finding my voice. He didn’t even move, didn’t even blink. His eyes remained fixated on some invisible thing. My heart began yet another marathon. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t responding to me. . . the only sign that he was even alive was the simple shaking of his body, and I wasn’t even so sure that it was actually happening. “Seto!” I screamed this time, and still no reaction.
My chest rose and fell erratically, “Seto! Seto! It’s me, Katsuya!” I fell to the bed, kneeling on top of the mattress at his side and grabbing onto his shoulders with my hands, shaking him forcefully, “Look at me! Look at me!”
Sure enough, he turned his head slowly towards me, but he wasn’t seeing me. His eyes were looking somewhere far away, somewhere that I could not see.
“Kat-su-ya. . .” He muttered, each syllable coming only after great effort.
“Yes,” I encouraged him, lovingly rubbing his face with my hands, “Katsuya. Look at me, Seto.”
“Katsuya will come home. He’ll find you here.”
No. He didn’t know I was here with him. He was lost again, in his own mind. . . but the medicine should be working. . . then again, it probably just worked on memory suppression. This event was fresh. He was. . .
“He told me that he would never let you touch me again, not you or anyone else. He doesn’t break his promises like you did, Saki.” A sad smile came across his lips, his eyes still staring off into the invisible grey eyes of Saki. “Where are you, Katsuya?” He asked hopelessly, he smile fighting against the tears that fell. “Where are you?”
My promise. . .
“Seto. I promise- no, I swear to you; I will never, under any circumstance, let that bastard hurt you ever again. . . I won’t let Saki touch you, I won’t let anyone from school touch you either, or anyone at the mall or at the grocery store or on the street or at your own company! No one will touch you, no one will kiss you, no one will follow you. . . and absolutely no one will rape you.”
I hadn’t been able to fulfill my promise. The entire time Seto was waiting for me to come home and save him from a repetition of the past. . . and I wasn’t there for him. I was too busy shopping to come home and fucking help him! If I hadn’t been so god damn stupid and let him go home alone, this shit wouldn’t have happened! “Snap out of it Seto!” I could hear the tears in my own voice, though I tried to ignore them as they fell, “Please wake up! I’m sorry! This is all my fault! I’m so sorry!”
This creature, this beautiful creature had been bound and defiled again and again, and now there he lay, tied up for me to find. . . Saki had done this on purpose. He wanted to leave him that way to shame Seto. . . and to unnerve me. I did the first irrational thing that came to mind; I began to pull helplessly at the cuffs. Normally, I could just pull the end over the top of the short bedposts, but Seto was attached to them and I couldn’t pull him with them. It was obvious that he had been fighting at them, judging from the cuts where there cuffs were around his wrists. I needed the key, but where would I find it.
“Seto, please, I want to help you. I couldn’t stop this from happening, but please let me help you through this!” I ran my hands along his cheeks, rubbing circles across them and tangling my fingers in the hair that fell against them. “Seto, do you know where he put the key to those handcuffs?”
His head turned away from me, and at first I felt hurt. . . until I realized that he might be showing me where the key was located. Sure enough, after I looked in that direction, I caught site of something on top of my fathers dresser that hadn’t previously been there. Trying not to shake the bed too much, I slid reluctantly away from the one I loved and circled around the bed, moving toward the key. I grabbed it without looking, but looked into my hand when I felt something other than the key.
There was some paper attached to the key. . . no, a photograph of some sort. I held it close to my face for a better look. The pounding in my chest fell out of rhythm. In the photo. . . the two people. . . Saki and. . . Saki and Seto? When? In the picture, Saki was lying close to Seto one hand grasping his chin and the other likely holding the camera. Seto looked younger, his eyes a bit more wide and his tears fresh. Both of Seto’s arms were up above his head, and his mouth was opened slightly, pink lips full and shaped to a frown. All the while, Saki smiled at him, the kind of smile that a lover shows after making love. . . which they had not done. The photo was tied to the key by means of a small strand of ribbon. I flipped it over in search of a date, but found a small scribbled note instead.
“I hope you enjoy him as much as I did. The score is 2 to 0 and I’m in the lead. Can you catch up? He’ll never go willingly. Never.”
As though he thought that the contents of the note wouldn’t be enough to send me over the edge, he had the fucking balls to sign it ‘your pal, Saki’. My pal?? My fucking pal??? He had to die. He had to fucking die.
I ripped the picture from the key, tearing it in half and then tearing the halves in half again and again and again until the shreds were smaller than confetti. . . and even then they weren’t small enough to satisfy me. “I hate him! I fucking hate him!” Rushing now, I fled back to my father’s bed, fumbling with the key to get it into the tiny keyhole. I freed both of his arms in quick succession, watching as they fell to the pillow with a lack of any life.
“Seto,” I shoved my arms beneath his back, not bothering to ignore my urge to continue crying, “I’m going to take care of you, okay?” Besides, I couldn’t stop my tears now even if I wanted to. There were only things to be sad about. I had no difficulty lifting him from the corrupt bed. His body was light and lifeless, his empty blue eyes remaining in a distant gaze. “It will be okay.” I heard myself tell him, though the one that I was truly reassuring was myself. . . and I wasn’t even so positive that it was working.
I tried to smile through my relentless downpour of tears, “I-I’ll give you a nice warm bath, and then I’ll try to make some of your coffee for you. . . do you want to read something? I’ll get whatever you want, somehow.” I laughed and felt crazy, like I was talking to an inanimate object. . . or the grave of someone long-since passed. “Seto. . .” I fled the room, his arms and legs hanging free as I carried him toward the bathroom. His clothes were gone, torn away by Satan himself.
So often I had called him sexy or beautiful or gorgeous. . . but now I couldn’t think of a word to describe him. He was like a precious china doll that someone had thrown to the floor, knowing full-well that I cherished it. . . Saki had broken my doll, the one I loved most. Was it to spite me? No, he wanted Seto all along. . . but if he did, why hadn’t he come for Seto before now? It didn’t make sense, but such little details didn’t matter right now.
I made my entrance into the bathroom, kneeling on the floor and laying Seto on the floor in front of me as I turned on the water, preparing a warm bath for my brunet. His eyes had fallen closed, his breathing even. “Seto. . .” I repeated for the umpteenth time, though I was aware that he wouldn’t hear me. Was he dreaming? If he dreamed, would it be a nightmare? I could only hope that when he dreamed, he dreamed of me beside him, and not of Saki torturing him.
The tub was just over halfway full when I carefully placed him in the sloshing lukewarm water. The sleeves of my jacket got wet, but that really didn’t matter. Only Seto mattered. I could see the blood from his wrists rising in a crimson cloud toward the surface before dispersing throughout the liquid depths. A murky spot of red also appeared from somewhere else, but it didn’t require my imagination to guess where.
I snatched a rag from the cabinet beneath the sink and pulled the soap down from the shower shelf. I leaned over Seto, sorry for letting my tears drop onto him as I did, and dipped the rag, rubbing the soap rapidly against it and then holding it to his chest, hesitating before beginning slow, gentle circles.
I lifted his left arm out of the water, running the rag along it, being especially careful with his sliced wrists. He had felt this pain before. The scars that were on his wrists, were they all made by him, or had something similar to this same situation occurred in the past? I inspected his arm, there was one lonesome scar that ran vertically rather than horizontally. It reminded me of the saying ‘down the road, not across the street’. So perhaps he only tried to kill himself once. No, there were other methods of suicide than slitting the wrists. Suicide. . .
I forced myself to gaze at his face. He looked so calm and at peace, like he was sleeping. “If you didn’t have Mokuba, what would you do now?” I asked his unhearing ears, letting the words linger before resuming the washing process. I took my time, not wanting to hurt or wake him. Was it possible to wake him? I didn’t know, but if being unconscious kept him from hurting, then I wasn’t willing to take any chances.
It wasn’t so much his physical condition, but his mental condition that I was worried about. Sure he had Mokuba, but I had seen with my own two eyes the suicide note that he had begun writing. It was addressed to Mokuba. How long ago he had started it, I couldn’t be sure of, but the fact that he had considered it even with Mokuba in his care was shocking. After a recurrence of the past he wanted to escape, what was stopping him?
What a stupid question of me to ask. The answer was obvious. Me. I would stop anyone from hurting him from now on, even himself. Then again, this wasn’t the first time that I had said that, was it? Does that make me a liar? I let him down.
“Kat. . . su. . . ya. . .” My eyes jerked to the voice I had heard in time to catch Seto’s lips coming back together.
“Seto? Seto!” Nothing. Was he dreaming? Dreaming of me. . . I couldn’t say for certain that that was a good thing.
Now came the final step to his bathing; washing a place I knew he would never want me to touch, and yet. . . it was likely the dirtiest part of him now. I breathed a heavy sigh and shoved the rag under, holding one of his legs up while I washed his rear nervously. It felt wrong even though I had only good intentions. I kept glancing up at him like a child that feared getting caught stealing cookies. I washed him thoroughly, even getting a little bit inside of him, since there was likely a mess in there too.
I released his leg and lifted the rag from the water, dropping it the instant I saw what it had on it. I sat back against the toilet until my gag reflexes settled down.
Cringing, I shoved both of my arms underneath him in the filthy water, removing his angelic form and somehow wrapping him in a towel. I put one of my feet on the toilet lid and used my left arm and knee to hold him while I grabbed another towel with my right hand and dried him off. He was still just as beautiful as he had ever been. The slight pink tint to his skin from my scrubbing just made him even more adorable. With all that he had been through, with all that he had experienced and known, he still looked so damn innocent.
The towel covered from the bottom of his ribs to the middle of his thighs. I dropped the other towel, which was now wet, to the floor. I turned off the bathroom light with slight difficulty as I left. The air of the hallway felt strangely cold and I knew that Seto would be shivering if he were awake.
I cradled him closer to my body, his right arm lifeless against my chest while the other hung freely towards the floor. His legs were slung over my own right arm, their wild length almost too much to keep ahold of. His head was leaned back, his brown bangs falling gracefully away from his face and his lips were parted unnaturally.
I lay the fragile teen on my bed, not bothering to clothe him, and pulled the comforter up to his neck; I left the towel wrapped around him too.
Gazing around the bedroom, my eyes became glued to the window. How was Saki able to get inside? I still hadn’t been able to piece things together. He couldn’t have come through the windows because that would require a ridiculously tall ladder and even I wasn’t oblivious enough to miss a detail such as that. He couldn’t have come through the door because I hadn’t noticed any tampering from the outside. . . unless-
“Jou?” A voice, someone calling my name from the living room. Who? It was young and so familiar.
“Jou? Kaiba?” A different voice, deeper this time and yet still very familiar. I wasn’t about to get up and see who it was, though. I wouldn’t leave Seto by himself again. Wait a second, how in the hell did they get in? I sat on the edge of my bed to block Seto from the view of the doorway.
The heads of two tri-color-haired boys peeked down the hall in my direction.
“Yuugi? Yami no Yuugi?” What in the hell were they doing there? My need to protect was becoming more and more urgent as they began the short journey toward my room. “W-what brings you guys here?”
“I forgot to give you your gift for Kaiba.” Yuugi informed me as he entered the room, though he didn’t smile like he usually did.
I took the bag that he was holding out to me and sat it on the floor by my feet, “How did you all get in here?” I asked, “I never heard a knock.” Okay, so I probably wouldn’t have heard a knock with everything that I was dealing with, but the door should have been locked.
“The door was standing wide open, Jou!” Yuugi yelled defensively, albeit worriedly.
I left the door standing wide open? Oh shit, what if that bastard came back and hid somewhere in my apartment? He could be waiting in any room, around any corner, just waiting to leap out and kill me, or worse, to hurt Seto again.
“Jounouchi? Jounouchi?” Yami no Yuugi’s voice shook me from my ever-growing paranoia, “It’s alright, Jounouchi, we closed it for you.”
“Did you lock it?” I snapped, my tension returning.
“Jounouchi,” Yami began before Yuugi could utter a word, “What in Ra’s name is going on? Your door was standing wide open, your living area is trashed, and Kaiba is nowhere to be found!” He said the last bit with a little more emotion.
“He’s sleeping right behind me.” They both leaned to try and see his face, but my body blocked him from view. “He was tired so he went to bed.”
“Did you two have a fight?” Yuugi asked innocently, apparently awakening a new anger in Yami, who glared at me with those giant eyes of his. I didn’t like how he acted when Seto was involved, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
“I just got home a little while ago, so how could we already have had a fight? You saw how we were earlier. . .” I heard my own voice trail off as I remembered our goodbye kiss.
“Then why is your apartment torn up?” Yami folded his arms, stepping closer to me.
I wracked my mind for an answer that he would believe, but I drew a blank. There was no way I could tell them the truth, even if they were two of my best friends. I reached my left hand back to clutch at Seto’s arm, which was under the sheets, as though I were searching for some kind of wisdom there. Rather than wisdom, however, I found something unexpectedly wet, quickly yanking back my hand and jumping from the bed in surprise.
“Oh my God! Kaiba!” Yuugi yelped, rushing to the bed with the Pharaoh right behind him.
Upon turning around, I could see what was so urgent; bright red blood was rapidly soaking through the sheets. I had forgotten to tend to his wrists. “Shit.” I cursed through clenched teeth, forcefully scooting the two shorter teens out of my way so that I could take care of my beloved.
“Yuugi, in my bathroom there should be some gauze and some medical tape in the cabinet underneath the sink. Can you go and get them for me?” I tried not to sound too bossy, but my adrenaline was getting the best of me. I wouldn’t live a very long life with so much constant stress.
I carefully pulled the sheets down, allowing for them to rest just below Seto’s navel.
“Why is he naked?” I could hear the shock in the Pharaoh’s voice, and I didn’t like the hint of suspicion that lingered there as well. “What did you do to him?” He questioned, confirming my initial thought and bringing my blood to a boil.
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Then how did he-”
“I didn’t fucking do anything! I couldn’t do a damn thing! I wasn’t here to protect him. . .” I shrunk down to my knees, though I couldn’t even feel the floor below me, and held Seto’s perfect face in my bloodied hands, the world around me melting away, “I promised you that he’d never touch you again.” I felt the corners of my lips curve up into an unfit smile, “Guess that makes me a liar, huh.” Not a question; he wouldn’t be able to answer anyway. So much for earning his trust.
Small hands landed on my shoulders, awakening me from my own nightmarish world. The fingers squeezed slightly as though to coax me away, “Come on, Jounouchi,” Little Yuugi’s friendly voice took away some of my tension, but not enough to matter, “Let’s go out to your kitchen and make some dinner, okay? Yami an take care of Kaiba.”
“No Yuugi,” I stretched my arm out to the side to keep the Pharaoh from coming near the bed. Even from my kneeling position I was able to bring him to a halt, “I couldn’t be here for him earlier, so I need to be here for him now.”
“But Jou, you can help Kaiba by letting someone tend to his wounds.” Yuugi crouched down next to me to get a better angle.
“I can do it.” Could I really? It didn’t seem like I could do anything anymore.
“Not in your current state.” He stood again, smiling when I rose with him, “Good. Come on, now, and we can go eat and talk for a little bit, alright? Just calm down.”
“Yuugi, listen, okay? If anyone takes care of Seto, it’s me.”
“Jounouchi,” Yami no Yuugi entered the conversation, “Kaiba is a strong young man, he doesn’t need someone sitting by his bedside until he wakes up.”
“You’re wrong!” My mind entered auto-pilot and all I could do was listen to my own outburst, “Everyone says that he’s so fucking strong and that he’s alright by himself and that he doesn’t need anyone or anything, but that’s so wrong! Nobody understand how he really it! Maybe Kaiba doesn’t need anything from anybody, but Seto does! Seto needs someone to be with him, and I want to be that someone. I want to be somebody that will never ever betray him and never ever hurt him!” My voice shook with both unwelcome tears and wild anger. I was so sick of people thinking they knew all there was to know about Seto when they didn’t know jack shit.
The two of them stared at me for a long while. I would say that they were ‘wide-eyed’, but I really couldn’t tell if their eyes were any larger than usual. Needless to say, they left me alone in silence while I lovingly wrapped Seto’s wrists and lay him on a pile of clean blankets and pillows on the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I sincerely muttered to them as I finished my work. I hadn’t meant to blow up at them like that. Yuugi had been a good friend to me for a long time. He had been there for me no matter what, and he was only trying to be there for me now. “You guys are awesome, but. . . I can’t get you guys mixed up in this.”
“Jounouchi, if someone came in and did this to him, you need to contact the police immediately.” Little Yuugi’s concern was seeping from every pore on his body.
Yami folded his arms confidently, “Or you could tell us his name and I could take care of him myself for even laying a finger on my priest.”
“He’s not a priest.” I snapped, glaring by mistake (was it a mistake), “I can’t get the police involved. The last thing Seto needs is for the law and the media to start digging into his past. You guys wouldn’t understand because you don’t know what I know. He’s been through so god-damn much, and there is no way that I would do anything that could possibly cause him any more harm. I can take care of this guy on my own.” For the first time in a long time, I actually believed what I was saying. I had to do this. For Seto, I had to do this.
I could see by the way they looked at each other that they weren’t satisfied with my reply, so I added a little bit to it, “I won’t bite off more than I can chew. If I need any help, you guys will be the first people that I contact, I promise.” I grinned as best I could, given the present situation, and they smiled back, still not too happy with my decision, but at least a little more at ease.
Yuugi sighed, “Well, it’s late, so I guess that we should be going back to the game shop to make sure our partners aren’t dead.” He side-glanced at Yami no Yuugi, who shivered slightly. “Will you be at school tomorrow, Jou?”
I gazed over Seto’s. . . sleeping? Unconscious? . . . form, “Probably not. I won’t leave him alone again, not after all of this. Tell them that someone tried to mug Seto so I went in to fight the whole group by myself and got beat to a pulp.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at how realistic that sounded. I always was the kind of guy to get in way over his head.
Yami smirked, “That would explain you, but what about Kaiba?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, pondering over this, “That’s an easy one; Seto just didn’t feel like going to school today because he had ‘better things to do’.” Yup, that was definitely a Seto excuse. He was so damn cute. . . he really was. . .
Yuugi sighed yet again, “You know that I don’t like to lie, but if it’s for a good cause, then I suppose that I have to comply.” He smiled half-heartedly and tugged on the Pharaoh’s sleeve, “Let’s go, Yami. G’night Jou!”
“G’night Yuugi.” I waved from my place on the floor beside my slumbering brunet and remained completely still and silent until I heard the front door shut. My paranoia was quick to set in as I sped down the hall, flying towards the doorknob to lock both the handle and the deadbolt. I was back to my bedroom in a flash and shut the door behind me, pulling the bloodied sheets from my bed and tossing them in a corner before pulling new sheets out from under the bed and spreading them out next to Seto. I wanted to be very close to him all night. I even left the light on.
He was mostly unmoving and silent except for his quiet, steady breathing. The only thing I remember him doing before I fell asleep was jerking a bit and scrunching up his facial features before returning to the way he had been.
If he was dreaming, was it a nightmare?
- - -
- - -
Recap:
He left me standing there, frozen like some ancient statue. The door was left open, and it looked like hell inside, like there had been. . . a fight. Seto. Where was Seto? Seto was inside. . . Saki was leaving. . . and that smile. . .
. . . that victorious smile.
- - -
My heart was pounding hard inside my chest, the noise ringing in my ears and drowning out all else. Thump. Thump. Thump. My whole body felt the deafening rhythm.
I stepped through the door that the devil had left open. I could finally see the damage that he had left in his wake. Shutting the door behind me, I moved cautiously into my living room. It was a mess. The coffee table that normally sat a few feet away from the couch was now lying on its side on the other end of the room. The couch itself was now sitting crooked, one of the bottom cushions pulled away from it.
A laptop was upside down against the wall. Seto’s laptop. Lifting it gently, I could see that he had been sending an email to one of his executives. Looking closer, I could see that he had been mid-sentence when it was dropped (or was it thrown?) to the floor.
I sat the computer back down. I was delaying what I knew was to come. Saki had left empty-handed, which meant that Seto was still inside.
My heart’s pace quickened further as I peeked into the kitchen. A large part of me expected to find my precious brunet dead, either strangled or. . . no. I had to have faith that there was still something that I could do. I knew that I shouldn’t have let him go home alone, and believe me, I will never leave him alone again.
The kitchen was just as we had left it that morning. There was a mug on the table that hadn’t been there earlier, but Seto probably just needed his caffeine fix after school. I felt the corners of my mouth tug upward in a pitiful smile. His little habits were so cute, no matter how normal they were. Anything he did just seemed so adorable.
I left my kitchen and went towards the one location where I was sure he would be: my bedroom. My body tried to follow my heart, causing my legs to feel heavy, making it difficult to carry onward. No. Though I didn’t want to see what I may see, I had to. For Seto, I had to. My legs began to feel lighter and the beads of sweat that had suddenly formed on my forehead didn’t seem so important.
The door to my room was wide open, and I found myself running in. “Seto!” I called, much to my own surprise, and was greeted with absolute silence. Was he unconscious? I opened the eyes that I hadn’t realized were closed and scanned the room. No one inside, nothing out of place. . . where was Seto? Was he really not here and Saki just tore up my living room because he was pissed at finding no one home?
As I went back down the hall, I peeked into the bathroom, “He didn’t have anything when I saw him leaving. . . yeah, Seto must have gone to Kaiba Corporation or something before Saki got here.” My relief lasted only for an instant, “But if he left, then why was his laptop still here and turned on? Why was an email still open? Why would he have stopped mid-sentence?” My anxiety returned. I had checked every room and yet. . . no, I hadn’t checked every room.
Coming near the living room again, I saw one detail that I hadn’t previously noticed before; the door to my father’s bedroom was standing wide open. Mustering up every ounce of courage within me, I urged myself inside. . . and found who I had been searching for.
The last rays of sunlight filtered ever-so-slightly through the closed binds of the windows. I flipped the light switch by the door to better illuminate what I already knew was there. I approached the bed in slow steps, not so sure if this was actually happening. It was like a car wreck that I couldn’t look away from, and it really looked like he had been in an accident. . . there was blood running down his arms, starting that the wrists and winding down in intricate rivers until it dried or fell to the sheets. Each of Seto’s arms were bound to the posts of the headboard by handcuffs. Saki may have brought the cuffs with him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard had found them lying around my father’s room.
While his arms were bound above his head, Seto had his legs bent up against his chest, his ankles crossed but not bound. I stopped by the bedside. Breathing felt like a chore and I wasn’t even sure if I was actually moving toward him or away from him. It seemed that every step I took he moved more distant from me, like a goal that I could never reach. I tried to put my hand out and touch him, but my arm froze before I could complete the gesture.
His naked body was more pale than usual, his entire form quivering just enough to be noticed. My own body, I had just realized, shook at the same pace. The hand I had held out just in front of me was visibly shivering, unable to get near the blue-eyed god. It was like there was some sort of barrier around him, an untouchable aura that wouldn’t let me near. . . but that couldn’t be the case. He had already been touched by-
The blood in my body rushed to my face, not in a blush but in absolute anger. Saki had to die. There was no other way to deal with him, not in my mind. Perhaps a bullet to his fucking temple, that would fix that fucking grin he always wore. No, no, that would be much too quick. I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp first. . . but that time would come later. Right now, the only object of my thoughts should be Seto.
I opened my mouth to say his name, but my voice refused to obey me, just as my hand that remained suspended within a foot of my target. . . his eyes! They were open! They were open, but. . . he wasn’t even looking at me. He seemed to be staring at the ceiling.
“Seto.” I whispered, finding my voice. He didn’t even move, didn’t even blink. His eyes remained fixated on some invisible thing. My heart began yet another marathon. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t responding to me. . . the only sign that he was even alive was the simple shaking of his body, and I wasn’t even so sure that it was actually happening. “Seto!” I screamed this time, and still no reaction.
My chest rose and fell erratically, “Seto! Seto! It’s me, Katsuya!” I fell to the bed, kneeling on top of the mattress at his side and grabbing onto his shoulders with my hands, shaking him forcefully, “Look at me! Look at me!”
Sure enough, he turned his head slowly towards me, but he wasn’t seeing me. His eyes were looking somewhere far away, somewhere that I could not see.
“Kat-su-ya. . .” He muttered, each syllable coming only after great effort.
“Yes,” I encouraged him, lovingly rubbing his face with my hands, “Katsuya. Look at me, Seto.”
“Katsuya will come home. He’ll find you here.”
No. He didn’t know I was here with him. He was lost again, in his own mind. . . but the medicine should be working. . . then again, it probably just worked on memory suppression. This event was fresh. He was. . .
“He told me that he would never let you touch me again, not you or anyone else. He doesn’t break his promises like you did, Saki.” A sad smile came across his lips, his eyes still staring off into the invisible grey eyes of Saki. “Where are you, Katsuya?” He asked hopelessly, he smile fighting against the tears that fell. “Where are you?”
My promise. . .
“Seto. I promise- no, I swear to you; I will never, under any circumstance, let that bastard hurt you ever again. . . I won’t let Saki touch you, I won’t let anyone from school touch you either, or anyone at the mall or at the grocery store or on the street or at your own company! No one will touch you, no one will kiss you, no one will follow you. . . and absolutely no one will rape you.”
I hadn’t been able to fulfill my promise. The entire time Seto was waiting for me to come home and save him from a repetition of the past. . . and I wasn’t there for him. I was too busy shopping to come home and fucking help him! If I hadn’t been so god damn stupid and let him go home alone, this shit wouldn’t have happened! “Snap out of it Seto!” I could hear the tears in my own voice, though I tried to ignore them as they fell, “Please wake up! I’m sorry! This is all my fault! I’m so sorry!”
This creature, this beautiful creature had been bound and defiled again and again, and now there he lay, tied up for me to find. . . Saki had done this on purpose. He wanted to leave him that way to shame Seto. . . and to unnerve me. I did the first irrational thing that came to mind; I began to pull helplessly at the cuffs. Normally, I could just pull the end over the top of the short bedposts, but Seto was attached to them and I couldn’t pull him with them. It was obvious that he had been fighting at them, judging from the cuts where there cuffs were around his wrists. I needed the key, but where would I find it.
“Seto, please, I want to help you. I couldn’t stop this from happening, but please let me help you through this!” I ran my hands along his cheeks, rubbing circles across them and tangling my fingers in the hair that fell against them. “Seto, do you know where he put the key to those handcuffs?”
His head turned away from me, and at first I felt hurt. . . until I realized that he might be showing me where the key was located. Sure enough, after I looked in that direction, I caught site of something on top of my fathers dresser that hadn’t previously been there. Trying not to shake the bed too much, I slid reluctantly away from the one I loved and circled around the bed, moving toward the key. I grabbed it without looking, but looked into my hand when I felt something other than the key.
There was some paper attached to the key. . . no, a photograph of some sort. I held it close to my face for a better look. The pounding in my chest fell out of rhythm. In the photo. . . the two people. . . Saki and. . . Saki and Seto? When? In the picture, Saki was lying close to Seto one hand grasping his chin and the other likely holding the camera. Seto looked younger, his eyes a bit more wide and his tears fresh. Both of Seto’s arms were up above his head, and his mouth was opened slightly, pink lips full and shaped to a frown. All the while, Saki smiled at him, the kind of smile that a lover shows after making love. . . which they had not done. The photo was tied to the key by means of a small strand of ribbon. I flipped it over in search of a date, but found a small scribbled note instead.
“I hope you enjoy him as much as I did. The score is 2 to 0 and I’m in the lead. Can you catch up? He’ll never go willingly. Never.”
As though he thought that the contents of the note wouldn’t be enough to send me over the edge, he had the fucking balls to sign it ‘your pal, Saki’. My pal?? My fucking pal??? He had to die. He had to fucking die.
I ripped the picture from the key, tearing it in half and then tearing the halves in half again and again and again until the shreds were smaller than confetti. . . and even then they weren’t small enough to satisfy me. “I hate him! I fucking hate him!” Rushing now, I fled back to my father’s bed, fumbling with the key to get it into the tiny keyhole. I freed both of his arms in quick succession, watching as they fell to the pillow with a lack of any life.
“Seto,” I shoved my arms beneath his back, not bothering to ignore my urge to continue crying, “I’m going to take care of you, okay?” Besides, I couldn’t stop my tears now even if I wanted to. There were only things to be sad about. I had no difficulty lifting him from the corrupt bed. His body was light and lifeless, his empty blue eyes remaining in a distant gaze. “It will be okay.” I heard myself tell him, though the one that I was truly reassuring was myself. . . and I wasn’t even so positive that it was working.
I tried to smile through my relentless downpour of tears, “I-I’ll give you a nice warm bath, and then I’ll try to make some of your coffee for you. . . do you want to read something? I’ll get whatever you want, somehow.” I laughed and felt crazy, like I was talking to an inanimate object. . . or the grave of someone long-since passed. “Seto. . .” I fled the room, his arms and legs hanging free as I carried him toward the bathroom. His clothes were gone, torn away by Satan himself.
So often I had called him sexy or beautiful or gorgeous. . . but now I couldn’t think of a word to describe him. He was like a precious china doll that someone had thrown to the floor, knowing full-well that I cherished it. . . Saki had broken my doll, the one I loved most. Was it to spite me? No, he wanted Seto all along. . . but if he did, why hadn’t he come for Seto before now? It didn’t make sense, but such little details didn’t matter right now.
I made my entrance into the bathroom, kneeling on the floor and laying Seto on the floor in front of me as I turned on the water, preparing a warm bath for my brunet. His eyes had fallen closed, his breathing even. “Seto. . .” I repeated for the umpteenth time, though I was aware that he wouldn’t hear me. Was he dreaming? If he dreamed, would it be a nightmare? I could only hope that when he dreamed, he dreamed of me beside him, and not of Saki torturing him.
The tub was just over halfway full when I carefully placed him in the sloshing lukewarm water. The sleeves of my jacket got wet, but that really didn’t matter. Only Seto mattered. I could see the blood from his wrists rising in a crimson cloud toward the surface before dispersing throughout the liquid depths. A murky spot of red also appeared from somewhere else, but it didn’t require my imagination to guess where.
I snatched a rag from the cabinet beneath the sink and pulled the soap down from the shower shelf. I leaned over Seto, sorry for letting my tears drop onto him as I did, and dipped the rag, rubbing the soap rapidly against it and then holding it to his chest, hesitating before beginning slow, gentle circles.
I lifted his left arm out of the water, running the rag along it, being especially careful with his sliced wrists. He had felt this pain before. The scars that were on his wrists, were they all made by him, or had something similar to this same situation occurred in the past? I inspected his arm, there was one lonesome scar that ran vertically rather than horizontally. It reminded me of the saying ‘down the road, not across the street’. So perhaps he only tried to kill himself once. No, there were other methods of suicide than slitting the wrists. Suicide. . .
I forced myself to gaze at his face. He looked so calm and at peace, like he was sleeping. “If you didn’t have Mokuba, what would you do now?” I asked his unhearing ears, letting the words linger before resuming the washing process. I took my time, not wanting to hurt or wake him. Was it possible to wake him? I didn’t know, but if being unconscious kept him from hurting, then I wasn’t willing to take any chances.
It wasn’t so much his physical condition, but his mental condition that I was worried about. Sure he had Mokuba, but I had seen with my own two eyes the suicide note that he had begun writing. It was addressed to Mokuba. How long ago he had started it, I couldn’t be sure of, but the fact that he had considered it even with Mokuba in his care was shocking. After a recurrence of the past he wanted to escape, what was stopping him?
What a stupid question of me to ask. The answer was obvious. Me. I would stop anyone from hurting him from now on, even himself. Then again, this wasn’t the first time that I had said that, was it? Does that make me a liar? I let him down.
“Kat. . . su. . . ya. . .” My eyes jerked to the voice I had heard in time to catch Seto’s lips coming back together.
“Seto? Seto!” Nothing. Was he dreaming? Dreaming of me. . . I couldn’t say for certain that that was a good thing.
Now came the final step to his bathing; washing a place I knew he would never want me to touch, and yet. . . it was likely the dirtiest part of him now. I breathed a heavy sigh and shoved the rag under, holding one of his legs up while I washed his rear nervously. It felt wrong even though I had only good intentions. I kept glancing up at him like a child that feared getting caught stealing cookies. I washed him thoroughly, even getting a little bit inside of him, since there was likely a mess in there too.
I released his leg and lifted the rag from the water, dropping it the instant I saw what it had on it. I sat back against the toilet until my gag reflexes settled down.
Cringing, I shoved both of my arms underneath him in the filthy water, removing his angelic form and somehow wrapping him in a towel. I put one of my feet on the toilet lid and used my left arm and knee to hold him while I grabbed another towel with my right hand and dried him off. He was still just as beautiful as he had ever been. The slight pink tint to his skin from my scrubbing just made him even more adorable. With all that he had been through, with all that he had experienced and known, he still looked so damn innocent.
The towel covered from the bottom of his ribs to the middle of his thighs. I dropped the other towel, which was now wet, to the floor. I turned off the bathroom light with slight difficulty as I left. The air of the hallway felt strangely cold and I knew that Seto would be shivering if he were awake.
I cradled him closer to my body, his right arm lifeless against my chest while the other hung freely towards the floor. His legs were slung over my own right arm, their wild length almost too much to keep ahold of. His head was leaned back, his brown bangs falling gracefully away from his face and his lips were parted unnaturally.
I lay the fragile teen on my bed, not bothering to clothe him, and pulled the comforter up to his neck; I left the towel wrapped around him too.
Gazing around the bedroom, my eyes became glued to the window. How was Saki able to get inside? I still hadn’t been able to piece things together. He couldn’t have come through the windows because that would require a ridiculously tall ladder and even I wasn’t oblivious enough to miss a detail such as that. He couldn’t have come through the door because I hadn’t noticed any tampering from the outside. . . unless-
“Jou?” A voice, someone calling my name from the living room. Who? It was young and so familiar.
“Jou? Kaiba?” A different voice, deeper this time and yet still very familiar. I wasn’t about to get up and see who it was, though. I wouldn’t leave Seto by himself again. Wait a second, how in the hell did they get in? I sat on the edge of my bed to block Seto from the view of the doorway.
The heads of two tri-color-haired boys peeked down the hall in my direction.
“Yuugi? Yami no Yuugi?” What in the hell were they doing there? My need to protect was becoming more and more urgent as they began the short journey toward my room. “W-what brings you guys here?”
“I forgot to give you your gift for Kaiba.” Yuugi informed me as he entered the room, though he didn’t smile like he usually did.
I took the bag that he was holding out to me and sat it on the floor by my feet, “How did you all get in here?” I asked, “I never heard a knock.” Okay, so I probably wouldn’t have heard a knock with everything that I was dealing with, but the door should have been locked.
“The door was standing wide open, Jou!” Yuugi yelled defensively, albeit worriedly.
I left the door standing wide open? Oh shit, what if that bastard came back and hid somewhere in my apartment? He could be waiting in any room, around any corner, just waiting to leap out and kill me, or worse, to hurt Seto again.
“Jounouchi? Jounouchi?” Yami no Yuugi’s voice shook me from my ever-growing paranoia, “It’s alright, Jounouchi, we closed it for you.”
“Did you lock it?” I snapped, my tension returning.
“Jounouchi,” Yami began before Yuugi could utter a word, “What in Ra’s name is going on? Your door was standing wide open, your living area is trashed, and Kaiba is nowhere to be found!” He said the last bit with a little more emotion.
“He’s sleeping right behind me.” They both leaned to try and see his face, but my body blocked him from view. “He was tired so he went to bed.”
“Did you two have a fight?” Yuugi asked innocently, apparently awakening a new anger in Yami, who glared at me with those giant eyes of his. I didn’t like how he acted when Seto was involved, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
“I just got home a little while ago, so how could we already have had a fight? You saw how we were earlier. . .” I heard my own voice trail off as I remembered our goodbye kiss.
“Then why is your apartment torn up?” Yami folded his arms, stepping closer to me.
I wracked my mind for an answer that he would believe, but I drew a blank. There was no way I could tell them the truth, even if they were two of my best friends. I reached my left hand back to clutch at Seto’s arm, which was under the sheets, as though I were searching for some kind of wisdom there. Rather than wisdom, however, I found something unexpectedly wet, quickly yanking back my hand and jumping from the bed in surprise.
“Oh my God! Kaiba!” Yuugi yelped, rushing to the bed with the Pharaoh right behind him.
Upon turning around, I could see what was so urgent; bright red blood was rapidly soaking through the sheets. I had forgotten to tend to his wrists. “Shit.” I cursed through clenched teeth, forcefully scooting the two shorter teens out of my way so that I could take care of my beloved.
“Yuugi, in my bathroom there should be some gauze and some medical tape in the cabinet underneath the sink. Can you go and get them for me?” I tried not to sound too bossy, but my adrenaline was getting the best of me. I wouldn’t live a very long life with so much constant stress.
I carefully pulled the sheets down, allowing for them to rest just below Seto’s navel.
“Why is he naked?” I could hear the shock in the Pharaoh’s voice, and I didn’t like the hint of suspicion that lingered there as well. “What did you do to him?” He questioned, confirming my initial thought and bringing my blood to a boil.
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Then how did he-”
“I didn’t fucking do anything! I couldn’t do a damn thing! I wasn’t here to protect him. . .” I shrunk down to my knees, though I couldn’t even feel the floor below me, and held Seto’s perfect face in my bloodied hands, the world around me melting away, “I promised you that he’d never touch you again.” I felt the corners of my lips curve up into an unfit smile, “Guess that makes me a liar, huh.” Not a question; he wouldn’t be able to answer anyway. So much for earning his trust.
Small hands landed on my shoulders, awakening me from my own nightmarish world. The fingers squeezed slightly as though to coax me away, “Come on, Jounouchi,” Little Yuugi’s friendly voice took away some of my tension, but not enough to matter, “Let’s go out to your kitchen and make some dinner, okay? Yami an take care of Kaiba.”
“No Yuugi,” I stretched my arm out to the side to keep the Pharaoh from coming near the bed. Even from my kneeling position I was able to bring him to a halt, “I couldn’t be here for him earlier, so I need to be here for him now.”
“But Jou, you can help Kaiba by letting someone tend to his wounds.” Yuugi crouched down next to me to get a better angle.
“I can do it.” Could I really? It didn’t seem like I could do anything anymore.
“Not in your current state.” He stood again, smiling when I rose with him, “Good. Come on, now, and we can go eat and talk for a little bit, alright? Just calm down.”
“Yuugi, listen, okay? If anyone takes care of Seto, it’s me.”
“Jounouchi,” Yami no Yuugi entered the conversation, “Kaiba is a strong young man, he doesn’t need someone sitting by his bedside until he wakes up.”
“You’re wrong!” My mind entered auto-pilot and all I could do was listen to my own outburst, “Everyone says that he’s so fucking strong and that he’s alright by himself and that he doesn’t need anyone or anything, but that’s so wrong! Nobody understand how he really it! Maybe Kaiba doesn’t need anything from anybody, but Seto does! Seto needs someone to be with him, and I want to be that someone. I want to be somebody that will never ever betray him and never ever hurt him!” My voice shook with both unwelcome tears and wild anger. I was so sick of people thinking they knew all there was to know about Seto when they didn’t know jack shit.
The two of them stared at me for a long while. I would say that they were ‘wide-eyed’, but I really couldn’t tell if their eyes were any larger than usual. Needless to say, they left me alone in silence while I lovingly wrapped Seto’s wrists and lay him on a pile of clean blankets and pillows on the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I sincerely muttered to them as I finished my work. I hadn’t meant to blow up at them like that. Yuugi had been a good friend to me for a long time. He had been there for me no matter what, and he was only trying to be there for me now. “You guys are awesome, but. . . I can’t get you guys mixed up in this.”
“Jounouchi, if someone came in and did this to him, you need to contact the police immediately.” Little Yuugi’s concern was seeping from every pore on his body.
Yami folded his arms confidently, “Or you could tell us his name and I could take care of him myself for even laying a finger on my priest.”
“He’s not a priest.” I snapped, glaring by mistake (was it a mistake), “I can’t get the police involved. The last thing Seto needs is for the law and the media to start digging into his past. You guys wouldn’t understand because you don’t know what I know. He’s been through so god-damn much, and there is no way that I would do anything that could possibly cause him any more harm. I can take care of this guy on my own.” For the first time in a long time, I actually believed what I was saying. I had to do this. For Seto, I had to do this.
I could see by the way they looked at each other that they weren’t satisfied with my reply, so I added a little bit to it, “I won’t bite off more than I can chew. If I need any help, you guys will be the first people that I contact, I promise.” I grinned as best I could, given the present situation, and they smiled back, still not too happy with my decision, but at least a little more at ease.
Yuugi sighed, “Well, it’s late, so I guess that we should be going back to the game shop to make sure our partners aren’t dead.” He side-glanced at Yami no Yuugi, who shivered slightly. “Will you be at school tomorrow, Jou?”
I gazed over Seto’s. . . sleeping? Unconscious? . . . form, “Probably not. I won’t leave him alone again, not after all of this. Tell them that someone tried to mug Seto so I went in to fight the whole group by myself and got beat to a pulp.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at how realistic that sounded. I always was the kind of guy to get in way over his head.
Yami smirked, “That would explain you, but what about Kaiba?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, pondering over this, “That’s an easy one; Seto just didn’t feel like going to school today because he had ‘better things to do’.” Yup, that was definitely a Seto excuse. He was so damn cute. . . he really was. . .
Yuugi sighed yet again, “You know that I don’t like to lie, but if it’s for a good cause, then I suppose that I have to comply.” He smiled half-heartedly and tugged on the Pharaoh’s sleeve, “Let’s go, Yami. G’night Jou!”
“G’night Yuugi.” I waved from my place on the floor beside my slumbering brunet and remained completely still and silent until I heard the front door shut. My paranoia was quick to set in as I sped down the hall, flying towards the doorknob to lock both the handle and the deadbolt. I was back to my bedroom in a flash and shut the door behind me, pulling the bloodied sheets from my bed and tossing them in a corner before pulling new sheets out from under the bed and spreading them out next to Seto. I wanted to be very close to him all night. I even left the light on.
He was mostly unmoving and silent except for his quiet, steady breathing. The only thing I remember him doing before I fell asleep was jerking a bit and scrunching up his facial features before returning to the way he had been.
If he was dreaming, was it a nightmare?
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