Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Blame it on Adolescence ❯ Chapter 3

Blame it on Adolescence (3/3)
By Shella.

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When we got back and discovered that the game had more or less disintegrated during our absence, I threw myself into bed and buried my head under the pillow. The others stopped trying to pry me out using utensils when Otogi summarised what had happened in Kaiba's room. I was only vaguely aware of Round 2 of How-Can-He-Like-Kaiba, not even poking my nose out to breathe freely until everything was quiet.

By then it was fully dark, and there were no lights on in my room. The stars looking in through the windows provided some visibility, but it wasn't much. Combined with relief from nearly suffocating myself, it didn't take me long to calm down.

The blankets were half on the floor. I dragged them up onto the mattress where they belonged, but didn't climb under them.

I felt incredibly tired. I didn't have any energy or emotions left - they'd all been drained. Natural side effects of being beaten up and rejected, I guessed. I wasn't thinking too much or too clearly. Thoughts wandered vaguely around in my head without direction or impulsion.

Wonder what constellation that is?

My leg itches.

That looks like a jumbo jet…

When will Mai wake up?

Hope there's something good for breakfast tomorrow.

Is Kaiba a briefs or boxers guy?

Musings on my crush's choice underwear aside, nothing emotionally loaded entered my thought processes in that little respite. There was a minor detour, along the lines that if I'd been able to kiss Mai instead everything would've been so much easier, but on the whole my meditation was uncomplicated. I felt like I hadn't just breathed in a while, letting my lungs empty and fill themselves at will, without the demands of shouting or running or holding my breath. If I let my mind drift a little more, I could smell the stars.

A sliver of light lanced across the room, accompanied by a sliding sound.

“Jounouchi?”

I blinked. The stars receded a few million miles, beyond sensory perception other than sight, and my lungs answered a call for air to send through my vocal chords.

“Yug'?”

The light widened, then narrowed and disappeared as Yugi entered the room and shut the door behind him. The padding of light footsteps announced his approach, although a clearer indicator was the squawk Honda let out when Yugi stepped on his hand.

“Crap!”

“Oh! Sorry, Honda!”

“Ow … it's okay, Yugi…”

“I'm so sorry - is it bad?”

“Nah, you're too little to hurt much.”

“What're you doing on the floor?” Ignoring the tease. Yugi was used to short jokes - he'd even learned to disregard the ones that went over his head.

“Jounouchi's on the bed and Otogi's on the couch.”

“Okay.” Yugi resumed his approach, although at a slower pace this time, until he was sitting on my bed. I could make out his shape, although it was too dark for details, but his posture and voice said that he was feeling thoughtful.

“What is it, Yug'?” I asked.

He hesitated, then said slowly, “It's about Kaiba.”

“Oh…”

“Do you want us to leave?” Otogi asked sensitively. Again I felt guilty for taking out my frustrations on him, but knew that he wouldn't appreciate me mentioning it again.

“No, that's okay, don't worry about it,” said Yugi quickly - a bit too quickly.

“We'll leave,” said Honda. There were rustling noises of fabric and two forms outlined themselves against the pale wall of the room. Stepping gingerly, they made their way over to the door. A moment's fumbling for the handle, then light entered the room and their silhouettes left.

There was a momentary pause after the door shut, in which I tried to locate Yugi's eyes on the toneless cutout in front of me, but he had his back to the light and I failed.

“Kaiba,” he whispered. “What do you see in him, Jounouchi?”

I was already uneasy - although I could read his body language and tone of voice, it meant less and lost layers of meaning since I couldn't see his face - and the direct question made me feel embarrassed again about my feelings.

“Nothing much,” I said, trying to sound flippant. “I just think he's hot.”

“Jounouchi…” Yugi pleaded. Immediately I got a guilt trip for lying to him - he obviously had sincere feelings for Kaiba, and here I was treating his honesty like it didn't matter. Why my best friend and I both had to get a thing for the same guy, I don't know.

I sighed. This was going to be hard to say - I had enough problems admitting it to myself, let alone the person I respected most in the whole world.

Well, sooner started, sooner finished. “I guess … he's strange.”

Really useful, Katsuya.

“What I mean is, he does one thing and then something completely different, but they both seem exactly what you'd expect of him.”

“I don't think I understand…” said Yugi.

I blew a lock of hair out of my eyes. “Uh … like the way he's so cold and withdrawn at school, but he'll go to the ends of the earth for Mokuba. You wouldn' expect two different viewpoints like that to be in the same person, but they're both completely natural.”

Yugi nodded, the black pointed shadow that was his head moving just enough for me to notice. “I know what you mean.”

Knowing that I hadn't quite said enough, I racked my brains to try and phrase what my own feelings could barely express. “What else … I guess I want to see his softer side. Like, he's so loyal to Mokuba, I just wish he could be loyal to someone else.” I paused, debating whether or not to complete the sentence, but Yugi finished it for me.

“Like you.”

I closed my eyes. “Yeah. Like me.” I swallowed, refusing to believe that I was upset, that I was still smarting. I cleared my throat. “Plus he's hot, even though he's not as hot as Mai.” Neither of us laughed at my hollow attempt to lighten the atmosphere. That was me, always the joker, even when it wasn't appropriate. “So Yug' … what about you? Why do you like him?”

“Love him,” Yugi corrected, and I winced slightly. Everything I thought about Kaiba just seemed so petty compared to Yugi's willingness to say that word, to admit to the strength of his feelings. Why should I ever expect anything from Kaiba when he could choose someone as honest and sincere as Yugi? Why should he spend his time arguing with me when he could be sharing a bond with someone whose depths of passion and capacity to love matched his own?

Why did I have to be competing against someone who outmatched me at every turn?

“He's strong,” Yugi said, “and he has this way of turning his weaknesses into strengths.” Damn … he even spoke better. I'd never be able to come up with something as accurate and impressive-sounding as that. “He's loyal, like you said - it'd be hard to earn that sort of regard, which makes it all the more valuable. He's ambitious, and fights for what he wants. And…”

He paused, but I hardly noticed - I was amazed by the qualities that came out in his voice when he spoke. I'd always noticed that he had respect for Kaiba, maybe even admiration, but now it was like speaking about him gave Yugi's soul wings. Like someone who'd been blind painting a rainbow. Like a cool breeze on parched grass. His words were dreamy and soft, but as genuine as diamond. Now more than ever I knew that Yugi loved Kaiba, and I couldn't bring myself to resent him. Not Yugi. Not my best friend. Not when what he felt was so pure it could heal me and make me a better person just by being nearby.

“…And, in a way, he has freedom.” He sounded like he was discovering new things about Kaiba just by talking about him. “He doesn't let people push him around. He doesn't give respect where he doesn't think it's due. He takes on challenges because he chooses to. All the time he spends working, all the effort he puts into duelling, it's all based on his decisions. He's his own person.”

There was a slight motion, and I guessed that Yugi had tilted his head to the side. He was considering something - looking at it from a different angle.

“But he's not perfect,” I supplied.

“Exactly.” Yugi's words glowed and I got the impression he was delighted that I had anticipated him. (See, he's not worried about being your rival. He's a better friend than to let that come between you. -Or is it that he knows that if it came down to it, Kaiba'd pick him over you without a second thought, and so doesn't see you as competition?…) “He's mortal - all his strengths have weaknesses. He's a brilliant duellist, but impatient with people. He's a genius at school, but doesn't bother to understand others. He's a great president for his company, but acts superior to just about everyone.”

“And in spite of that,” I finished off, “there's somethin' in him that's sincere and good.”

“Yes,” Yugi murmured. “Jounouchi, I'm so glad you understand.” He shifted, and I squinted into the dark, trying to descry what he was doing. A moment later his hand was cupping my face, and then he leaned down to rest on me momentarily, as he gave me a hug.

“Yugi,” I said, as he sat up again, “what's it like to know that Kaiba respects you?”

He considered the question, as though he knew that it was the main difference between his standing in Kaiba's eyes and mine. When he answered, his voice was serious, but not solemn. He didn't want to take it lightly, as we both knew it mattered a lot, but he didn't want to give me too much reason to be jealous. (How could one person be so perfect?!)

“It's flattering,” he said at last. “Well, actually, flattering is probably the wrong word - makes it sound shallow. It's … it's a compliment. A genuine one. It buoys you, makes you have more respect for yourself and more belief in your own self-worth. It—” here he let out a small, slightly breathless laugh “—it makes you feel like part of a secret club of sorts, a really exclusive one.”

“Secret handshake an' everythin'?” I joked, trying to sweep away feelings of envy.

Yugi giggled. “Maybe a keypass shaped like a Blue Eyes,” he suggested. We both chuckled, but soon enough silence fell. It built up between us like all the barriers Kaiba raised to keep others at a distance. He spent so much time trying to convince himself and everyone else that he didn't need anyone that he hadn't even realised when people began to need him. I needed to break that hush - I was nearing my `honest and emotional' limit.

“Yug', we gotta do something,” I said finally. “I could ignore it before that stupid Truth or Dare game, but now I'm always gonna know that I want him an' I'll never have him. An' I'll know that you want him too, an' then I'll get pissed off at him for not saying yes to you…”

“Jounouchi,” Yugi interrupted, “you don't have to help me in this one.”

I stopped short. “Huh?”

His fingers lit on my shoulder, then travelled down my arm so he could clasp my hand in both of his. “I appreciate the thought, and I love the fact that you want to help me even though you're involved too, but … it'd break you to pieces, Jounouchi.”

“Break - what - I wouldn't…”

“Jounouchi.”

The seriousness in his voice demanded attention, and I reluctantly tried to imagine how I'd feel if I tried to push Kaiba towards Yugi - if I tried to set up the relationship I thought was right even though I wanted one of the people in it and the other was my best friend.

“Yeah … yeah, I guess it would,” I murmured. “But it'd break us first.” I sat up, returning Yugi's grip on my hand so that he gasped. “Sorry. But Yug' … Yugi … I don't want to lose you as my friend. I want to keep you way more than I want to get Kaiba. You're my pal, my bud, my bro. I love you, man.”

“I love you too, Jounouchi.” Yugi's voice was warm and his clasp on my hand tight. “That's the most important thing, right?”

“Right. I mean, he said no to both of us, didn' he?”

“I guess so.” A shade of trouble came into Yugi's tone. “Though I wish he hadn't been so cruel to you! Even he should know better than to break someone's heart like that.”

I sighed. “I don' think he meant to … or maybe I just hope that … but whatever. Thing is, I didn't tell him I actually like him, just that I thought he was hot.” I tried to recall the words I'd used - I'd been so angry my memory wasn't really reliable. “I said somethin' about how though he was good-looking, it was inner beauty that counted, and he didn' have any.”

“Oh, Jounouchi.” Yugi sounded disappointed.

“Well I wasn' ready to admit it,” I muttered defensively. “'Specially not to him. He hates me, Yug'. He thinks I'm scum. There's no way I could've said that, given him that much power over me … I mean, every time we see each other we argue an' trade insults, but if he put me down after that I jus' wouldn' be able to stand it.”

“I know how you feel.” He sounded as though he was about to continue, but we heard voices outside. They sounded serious.

“Is that … Honda and Otogi?” I whispered. Letting go of Yugi's hand, I got to my feet.

“I think so. Hey!” Yugi grabbed for my hand as I started tiptoeing across the room, but I pulled it out of his grasp. I didn't really want to eavesdrop, but any idiot knew there'd be tension between Otogi and Honda. Someone had to be ready to stop them from killing each other.

Sure thing, Katsuya. Tell it to that pot plant in the corner, it might believe you.

“Jounouchi!” hissed Yugi indignantly, but I shushed him and bent to listen at the door.

Honda was speaking, sounding nervous. “Um, I still like Shizuka best…”

“Same here,” Otogi agreed. I felt my fists clenching in automatic defence of my sister, and almost growled before Yugi grabbed my wrist. He was shaking his head and making frantic motions with his hand for me to be quiet. I nodded reluctantly, and forced myself to relax.

“Then … why'd you kiss me?” From the tone of his voice I knew Honda would be blushing.

There were no such clues when Otogi spoke. “Because even though she's pretty, and I think she's better-looking than you, that's not all. I'd really like to go out with her, even though Jounouchi won't let me—”

“Damn straight,” I whispered, and got an elbow in the ribs from Yugi.

“—but at the same time I don't know whether I've been trying to get between you two so I can go after her or you.”

There was a long pause, during which I wondered how Honda would react and where the hell Otogi got the courage to say something like that. He may have been stuck-up and smarmy, but the guy had guts.

“Oh…”

Honda, articulate and elegant as always. He was probably struggling with the presence of more than one thought being in his head at a time - sure sounded like it. Not that I could really blame him. I mean, turned out the guy he thought was his rival liked him as much as the girl they were both chasing.

Hey, now what if they got together and left Shizuka out of the picture completely…

“Well, I … um…” Honda hesitated. I'd never heard him be this nervous before, except maybe when he was asking a girl out—waitaminute… “If neither of us get her, d'you want to…”

“Go out with you?” In contrast to Honda's halting ineloquence, Otogi was calm and in control. “Sure.”

Honda breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. Uh … I just don't want you to feel like you're only second-best. I mean, if I hadn't already met Shizuka you'd be - well, I'd definitely ask you out.” Real smooth, Honda. “It's just that I really like her - I think I love her. And I can't deny that or change it. But Otogi … Ryuuji … you don't deserve to be someone's fallback, their last resort.”

Otogi's voice was amused. “I've already said yes, Honda. You're not going to talk me out of it that easily. In fact, let's shake on it.”

“Okay.” There was a pause while they shook hands, and I wished I could see the expressions on their faces. I took back that wish a moment later when Honda said, quickly and quietly, “Want to seal it with a kiss?”

“Shit yeah,” Otogi breathed.

Now why couldn't Kaiba have reacted like that to me?

I turned away from the door and bumped noses with Yugi. We both pulled back quickly, then by mutual agreement crossed the room to my bed.

“Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?” I asked, smirking even though he couldn't see me.

Yugi giggled, sounding like he muffled the sound behind his hand. “If you're thinking `wish that was Kaiba and I', then yes,” he answered. “I wonder what it'd be like,” he mused.

“Hey, we've both kissed him,” I reminded him.

“I mean with his participation.”

“Oh.”

Yugi sighed dreamily. “I bet he'd be really forceful and dominant. Definitely passionate - he'd put everything he had into it and challenge you to do the same.” I blinked. I guess if I'd thought about it I would've figured Yugi for an uke, but it was weird being faced with the reality of it. And Kaiba…

… Oh wow. If Kaiba “participated” with me … damn … It'd be sexy as hell. We'd fight for dominance, but I wouldn't care whether I ended up top or bottom. Just to have that undivided attention, that driving passion, focused on me … those intense blue eyes looking at me and burning with desire … those deft hands, so quick on the keyboard and so graceful with a duelling deck, working their magic on my skin … that long, lean body exposed to my eyes and touch…

It could make a guy selfish just thinking about it. And horny.

I jumped out of my skin when the door slid open and light poured in to the room. Yugi and I had both been unconsciously fisting the blankets, and there was a distinct blush on his cheeks that I knew was mirrored in my own heated face.

“Geez, don'cha ever think of knockin'?” I demanded of the person who'd barged in. Then blinked - it was Mokuba.

“You think you've got problems,” Otogi said, appearing behind him with Honda in tow. “You didn't get interrupted.” His sort-of boyfriend had gone red, but wore a grin that was a mix of embarrassment and smugness.

Any other time, I would've ribbed him about it, but there was a kid standing in the doorway whose brother I'd just been getting jumpy over. “Uh, Mokuba? What is it?”

“Jounouchi - oh, Yugi, you're here too, that's good,” said Mokuba in a rush. “What did you say to Seto earlier?” I blanched. Beside me, Yugi gulped. “Cos something's got him worked up, but he wouldn't say what. One of the security guards said you two went in, and then later Jounouchi went in and Otogi waited outside—”

“By the way,” dice boy cut in at that point, “did I ever compliment you on your distraction technique, Jounouchi?”

I glared at him, but Yugi was curious. “What're you talking about, Otogi?” he asked.

“There's some method to his madness,” was the response. He turned to Honda, then pretended to gasp in shock at something behind him. When Honda automatically started to turn and look for himself, Otogi grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him while he wasn't expecting it.

“You did that to Seto?” Mokuba yelped, at the same time as Yugi burst out laughing. Honda took a couple of seconds to understand before joining him.

I knew I was going red again, and cursed quietly. “Piss off, Otogi,” I muttered. My only response was an extra gleam in mocking green eyes.

“Oh, wow…” Mokuba whispered. His eyes were huge - although he was probably the only one in the room who hadn't gone red to some degree or other. “Um … well, that explains a lot.” He laughed a bit nervously. “Seto's been … um … I guess you could say he - Did you really kiss my brother?!”

I groaned and buried my face in my arms. “Yes!” I said. “But so did Yugi! And he just smacked him and ran off!” Well, that shut him up.

Honda and Otogi by now were lost in the no-man's-land between whooping with their enthusiastic cheerleading skills, usually reserved for duelling, and laughing themselves sick. Mokuba was looking at Yugi and I as though we'd each grown three extra heads, come out in bright green spots all over and started singing the Chinese national anthem. While dressed in drag.

Extremely dissatisfied with the way things had turned out, I got to my feet, grabbed my pillow and stalked across the room to apply it to the pair of cackling fools. They took a while to get the message - took a while to contain themselves enough to duck or raise a protective arm, even.

I turned to Mokuba. “Yeah, Yug' and I kissed your bro. We were playin' Truth or Dare an' each got dared to kiss the person we were in love with.”

“Right…” He nodded, still amazed but trying to assimilate the new information. There was a pause before he managed to organise his thoughts enough to return to the original topic. “Um. Right. Look, I don't know what he said to that, but … could you talk to him? He's been stomping around like he can't concentrate on anything, and whenever I ask him what's up he just says `Nothing either of us should worry about'.” He did a pretty good imitation of his brother's voice, despite being the far side of puberty from the elder Kaiba. “So … so I guess that's what he's upset about?”

I felt a guilty twinge. Normally I was the one who took ages to get over Kaiba, it made me feel a bit weird and remorseful to know that it was the other way around. “Um…” I cleared my throat. “That could have been my fault, I said some pretty nasty things.”

“Like what?” Mokuba asked innocently. Crud … I didn't want him to know what a prick I'd been.

“Just … stuff,” I muttered. “He didn't deserve it, but he acted like he didn't care an' I guess I believed him.” I really, really didn't want to repeat the hurtful things I'd said and watch that naive expression crumple. I had enough experience seeing Yugi and Shizuka when they were upset to know it wouldn't be pretty.

“He insulted him and cast doubt on his worth as a person,” said Otogi bluntly, and my nerves sang with the restraint required not to kill him. When I suggested clubbing him with the pillow, however, they were most cooperative.

“Jou!” protested Honda. He grabbed Otogi's arm and dragged him away, interposing himself between me and his sort-of boyfriend. I stuck my tongue out at him.

There was a tug on my sleeve, and I looked around (and down) into Mokuba and Yugi's faces.

“Jounouchi,” said Mokuba, “would you and Yugi go and talk to him? Maybe you'll know how to make it better.” He obviously disapproved of me being rude to his brother, but looked like he still believed I could reach his brother when he couldn't.

I hesitated, looking between the two short kids helplessly. How could I go back and face him? I'd been fine about my feelings and about him when I was talking to Yugi, but actually being in the same room as him and in the line of fire was different. I remembered the contempt in his eyes when he'd dismissed me from his notice, and cringed inside. However much I tried to act as though his opinion didn't matter, and to see the lighter side of everything, it … hurt … that someone I'd learned not to discount thought I was of so little regard. I didn't want to face that ugly reality again.

On the other hand, the shit I'd hung on him deserved a fair bit of penance.

“But - but … oh, all right,” I muttered. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I slouched after them, knowing that what I was trying to convince myself was a formidable scowl was really just a pout. They could make me do it, but they couldn't make me do it with dignity.

At the door of Kaiba's room, I automatically paused, but Mokuba opened the door and went straight in without asking. Of course he would, moron, they're brothers.

Kaiba was standing by the window, frowning as though the city below had personally offended him. He spun around when he heard the door open, his brother's name being cut off as it left his lips when he saw that Mokuba had company.

“Why are they here?” he asked flatly, addressing his brother. He didn't look too annoyed to see Yugi, but if looks could kill I'd have been slain and cremated five times over.

Mokuba, however, was unperturbed. I guessed he was used to keeping frosty atmospheres from affecting him, and wished I had his forbearance. Personally I didn't think it possible to actually get used to one of Kaiba's death glares - it'd be like building up an immunity to having your guts yanked out through your nostrils with chopsticks.

“You wouldn't tell me what was getting you worked up,” said Mokuba, “so I went and asked one of the guards who'd been to see you. He said Yugi and Jounouchi, so I went and asked them if they knew.”

Kaiba's scowl etched itself more firmly into his face. “And they told you,” he said shortly.

“Uh-huh.”

He looked out the window again. “And?”

Mokuba half-turned towards the door. “And I'm going to leave you alone so you can sort things out yourselves,” he grinned, and bolted.

“Moku—” Whatever Kaiba had been going to say was cut off by a growl as the door slid shut behind his brother. He cursed quietly to himself in a language I didn't recognise - did I mention he's a nerd who's multilingual to a ridiculous degree? - and then faced Yugi and I, his face blank.

It was then that I realised I didn't have a clue what to say or how to start a conversation - it would have been easier to beat the truth out of him, and considering he was a better fighter than I was that would be saying something.

Of course, Yugi knew what he was doing.

“Kaiba, are you gay?”

I blinked. It occurred to me, with the sudden and unarguable truth of a sledgehammer to the head, that Kaiba's orientation hadn't even occurred to me as to be something in doubt. I don't know why I'd automatically assumed he was bisexual - maybe because it seemed the logical choice since it automatically doubled his chances of a date, and Kaiba was a logical kinda guy.

There was a pause before he answered, which was surprising given his usual speed at responding and making decisions, but which wasn't as surprising as his actual reply.

“…I don't know.”

Yugi just nodded silently, apparently waiting patiently for Kaiba to continue; I was just too taken aback to speak. Between us we were quiet enough to give him the message that we were listening, and wouldn't rush him.

“After Isis and I duelled, she spoke to me.” His voice was as controlled as always - not monotonous, but measured and weighed according to the importance of his topic. The words he used were clear in meaning and concise in delivery - he was so efficient, even when it came to his feelings. “She expressed her support for me and her belief in my ability, along with reinforcing that nonsense about destiny—” I glanced at Yugi, and nudged him with a foot before he could contradict Kaiba's beliefs and get the conversation off topic. “Eventually she stopped dancing around the topic, and said she was interested in me.”

I couldn't really understand the faint hint of surprise in Kaiba's tone at the idea someone would like him - hadn't he ever looked in a mirror?

“I, naturally, told her the truth, that I didn't reciprocate the attraction, and she accepted this calmly enough.” Whether she actually had been hurt, I didn't trust Kaiba to be able to tell. “However, when she asked me what I looked for in a partner I found myself unable to satisfactorily answer her question, even to myself.”

Well, I bet that would bug him. I knew Kaiba hated not knowing things or being in control - almost as much as he evidently disliked spilling his guts to Yugi and I. He never wanted to appear weak in front of anyone. Wonder why he was giving himself up this time?

He'd been looking at our faces the entire time he spoke, no expression other than one of habitual distaste at reaching out to two people he wasn't exactly close to. “The only prerequisite I could be certain of was that they had to have earned my respect - beyond that, nothing. I wasn't able even to decide what gender my partner should be. That…” For the first time he hesitated. “…That I didn't understand.”

“It's okay, Kaiba,” said Yugi softly, reassuringly. “You don't have to know everything about yourself at sixteen.”

Kaiba bristled, and I knew his pity radar had started beeping. He was always wary when people offered him understanding and compassion (go figure) and no doubt expected that his feelings and hormones should damn well do what they were told, or else. He expected a lot from other people before he'd grant them respect, but imposed even harder standards on himself.

Hm. Maybe I should look into a career as Kaiba's therapist…

In the meantime, Kaiba was about to snipe at Yugi for what he saw as an attack on his judgement, and I figured I'd better intervene.

“What Yug' means is, at this age you're goin' through a lotta changes,” I jumped in. “It's just not logical to have a clue what's goin' on - the only way you can find out is to keep experimentin' and seein' what your reactions are.” Appeal to logic and scientific method - check. Avoiding overt reference to anything that would put him on a level with mere mortals like Yugi and I - check. Damn, I'm good.

Kaiba narrowed his eyes at me and I wondered if he'd somehow guessed my reasons for speaking out. “And what would you suggest?” he asked icily, expressing profound doubts in the worth of anything I could possibly say.

“Well…” you could stop being such an arrogant prick and actually admit that you're human and the rest of us aren't scum beings beneath your contempt, “you could kiss a guy and see what it feels like.”

“Are you volunteering?”

Shit yeah! “If you think it'll help.” As if I could've said that neutrally and without giving him a clue how I felt about him.

His eyes widened, just a fraction, just for a second, before he fixed me with a stare that felt like it could see right through me, examine all my insides, and judge them to within six decimal places of their value. In the space of a second he cut through all the flippancy and masks I'd taken on to hide my actual feelings for him, and recognised the reasons for my attack on him earlier. He knew.

Well.

Fuck.

I felt my mouth opening, protests and denials swarming in my head and jamming the passage to my voice, my tongue and lips forming one adamant disavowal after another that were betrayed by my lungs' refusal to supply the air to vocalise them. Damn, damn, damn, shit-bugger-crap-fuck and blast!

“You're a better liar than I gave you credit for.”

Wh-huh?

The decision had apparently been made - and Kaiba had reached an answer that didn't seem to satisfy him. After all, why should he take kindly to admitting he'd been wrong about someone? Much more comfortable just to cling to those ugly first impressions he and I'd made on each other, that awareness of how different we were without acknowledging our similarities. I covered up my insecurities with warmth: bluster and bravado, bullshit and bragging - he concealed his with cold detachment and an icy disregard for just about everything. But … at the core … maybe we weren't so far apart.

Was he thinking any of this? Had he matched my perception that we actually had a few fundamental things in common? Did he realise that my loyalty to Shizuka and my friends matched his to Mokuba? That my tendency to be argumentative was a shield the same as his universal and rarely punctured disdain? That my efforts to be the best duellist I could be parallelled his own ambitions?

Was I even thinking about that when he kissed me?

…Nope.

He took a step nearer to me and wrapped long fingers around my upper arm. He didn't know about cupping the other person's face in your hands; he was familiar with less intimate contact. The kiss he initiated wasn't touchy-feely either, it was like I'd said before - an experiment, to apperceive fully and without interference what it felt like to kiss another male. Well, I wasn't going to complain if he was thorough.

Pop, pop, pop; alka-seltzer in my brain. Or was that fireworks? Taste of coffee, feel of wet pushes in my mouth. Not transcendent or other-worldly; physical and essential and undeniable. Something I'd be able to hug to myself in memory, although never as powerful as now. Pick me up, sling me over your shoulder and carry me away: I'm all yours. Just … kiss me more…

I honestly felt light-headed when he pulled back; my vision seemed clear-cut, but with only half the colours. Or double. Did I say something?

“…hnnm.”

Yugi giggled, and like bright bubbles bursting I was back in the world of consequences and resentment and the imperfect clashing of personalities. No, Kaiba and I didn't completely understand each other, to the exclusion of all possibility of conflict. Yes, Yugi and I did want the same thing. Yes, I could still step aside if Kaiba decided he wanted my best friend.

…Couldn't I?

“Jounouchi, are you awake?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, a bit dazed. I hadn't looked at Kaiba, but I was sure he was perfectly calm and in control of himself, the prick. Now if he could kindly take his hand off my arm and leave me to hang onto already-fading memories of a kiss that made me suddenly extremely aware that we had tongues—

Hold the phone.

“Kaiba?”

He released his grip on my bicep as though jolted by a cattle prod (damn, shouldn't have said anything) and looked at me.

“That was … interesting,” he muttered.

“Interesting, hell!” I retorted, indignant but not aggressive. “If I'd known that's how you kiss when you're participating, I would've asked you the first time!”

Was he - blushing?

“Actually, considering the likelihood of my granting that request, I'd say the distraction tactic would have been more successful.”

Must've been the light…

I glared at him out of old habit, but there were too many endorphins still running around my blood (cheering like they'd just gotten out of jail, too - had it been that long?) for me to put any real anger into the expression. On the other hand, there hadn't been real venom in his barb. I was so used to being insulted and put down by Kaiba that I noticed its absence immediately.

Was that a good sign? I thought so.

He must have caught my grin at the thought, because he looked at me sharply. “However, if you'd asked instead of attacking me I wouldn't have gotten the impression you were just using me. Yes, that is how it came across,” he added, as I stammered in confusion. The lack of hostility in his face I'd been doing inner cartwheels over had disappeared. “Furthermore, after Yugi's admission and my own questions, I wasn't exactly in the most receptive mood. Throwing that sort of uncaring admission at me wasn't the wisest move you could have made.”

“Hey,” I objected, “how was I supposed to know you were wonderin' about your sexuality?” Some part of my mind waved a little flag of protest about arguing with Kaiba, but I'd been hyper-sensitive and over-defensive for years before I'd met him, and wasn't about to change quickly.

“I wouldn't have expected you to consider that others might have more emotional complexity than you do,” he said waspishly. “But I would have expected you to remember that I hadn't condemned Yugi's feelings. I don't think people deserve that, although in your case I might make an exception.”

“Guys!” Yugi broke in. “Please don't fight!” He stepped between us - I hadn't noticed I was advancing on Kaiba, fists clenching as I prepared for a fight - with one hand held out pleadingly to each.

I hesitated, and Kaiba veiled his animosity towards me with an expression that said he would listen to Yugi, but only on sufferance.

“Look,” Yugi said, “I know you two don't get along, but we're trying to sort things out here, see if we can help Kaiba find something out about himself. I'm not saying don't get emotional, I think emotions are probably the most useful thing we have right now, but please don't argue like this.”

It hit me like a thunderclap that Yugi had just watched the guy he was in love with kiss his best friend. Ouch. I didn't have any right to so much as question him, let alone refuse him anything now.

“Sorry, Yug',” I said. I wanted to apologise for letting Kaiba `experiment' with me, but somehow, even knowing what Yugi must have felt and remembering that I'd promised myself I wouldn't get between them, I couldn't regret it. I didn't know whether it was weak or strong of me, but I knew that if I hurt Yugi I'd never forgive myself.

Satisfied with my apology, even though he couldn't pick up on the private oath I'd sworn, Yugi turned to Kaiba. “I'm not a psychologist or anything,” he began, “but I guess there're a couple of things we need to know. First, how did it feel to kiss Jounouchi?”

“Don't spare me any details,” I added darkly.

He eyed me, his look saying plain as day `you're weird'. Out loud, all he said was, “No different to kissing a girl.” At the silent question in Yugi's eyes he bristled just a bit and added, “Which I have done before, by the way.” Who would've guessed it - Seto Kaiba defending his romantic history. The night was full of surprises.

“Well, what do you think it would be like to go out with him?”

As I was just saying…

“What? Yug'!” I shouted. “What the hell are you on about?”

To my annoyance, I was the only one reacting like I'd been at all surprised. Kaiba just considered the question for a moment before asking Yugi if he'd seen any Roman gladiator movies. Yugi pouted at him.

“I'm serious,” he said, and if he'd been anyone else he would've sounded whiny. As it is he was heading towards petulance at high speed. Kaiba and I both stared at him, dumbfounded. Satisfied he had our attention he continued, “Just to see what it's like to be in a relationship with a guy. I'm sure Jounouchi wouldn't mind.”

“One small problem, Yug',” I said, beginning to feel flustered. “One-sided attraction, here. Me likie, he no likie. Comprende?”

“Well if you regularly talk like that, it's no wonder I seem to have neglected to swoon at your feet.”

“Oh, and as if it'd make any difference if I didn't!”

The fact that Kaiba paused to even consider that possibility made me feel like I'd already had way too many surprises for one day. When he said, “Probably not,” I thought for a moment we were back on comfortingly familiar territory, but then he continued, “but I would've given it thought,” and I knew I was lost.

“Help me,” I whimpered, dropping to a crouch and covering my face with my hands.

“Well, Kaiba? What do you say?” asked Yugi. I tried rocking gently back and forth and humming to see if it was as comforting as the stereotypes seemed to say. Surprisingly, it was.

“Provided it doesn't send him into psychosis, it sounds an agreeable arrangement.” Was someone TRYING to give me a heart attack?

A moment later there was a small hand on my arm and I looked up into Yugi's smiling face.

“Well, Jounouchi?” he asked. “Do you want to go out with Kaiba?” Did I want—What had we been sitting on my bed for half an hour talking about? I wanted Kaiba like I'd wanted nothing and nobody else in my life. So I thought Mai was hotter than him - that meant nothing. Mai could give Venus and Aphrodite a run for their money. Mai could turn a straight girl gay or a gay guy straight. But I would've liked to be friends with her as much as I would've liked to go out with her - with Kaiba I had a feeling it was all-or-nothing. It was Kaiba who'd taught me how to look deeper than the surface for a person's real value. Goodness shone from Yugi like light from a lantern, but in Kaiba it was buried and went by different names. Couldn't Yugi see it? Couldn't Yugi understand? Couldn't Yugi—

Waitaminute. He did see. He did understand.

“Oh no you fucking don't, Yugi!” I shouted, jumping to my feet. He recoiled as though stung, bewildered hurt in his eyes, but it mattered to me less than the hurt that had been there, hidden, while he pushed me towards the guy he loved.

“Jounouchi?” he whispered.

I grabbed him by the shoulders. “I'm not letting you do that. You told me it'd break me if I tried to help you get Kaiba - why don't you take your own advice, huh? It'd hurt you way more. I like him heaps, Yug', but you love him. You love him, damnit, and that's way more valuable than any stupid little crush of mine!”

Not letting him get a word in edgeways, I turned to the object of our affections. My voice was reasonable and convincing … I hoped.

“Kaiba. Listen to me.” I'll rip your balls off if you don't. “If you're goin' to go about this the right way, you gotta start right. Don't just jump in the deep end wit' someone who you'll spend most of your time fightin' with. It'd be a much more sensible idea to try it wit' a person who's actually got some sense in their head an' isn't too impatient to blow up every time you make a mistake. Yugi's a good guy - he'll give you a better learning curve. Plus he's cute as a button,” I added, pinching one of Yugi's cheeks.

“Jounouchi!” he cried, going bright red. “That's - don't - you're being ridiculous! You don't have a `stupid little crush', your feelings are as valuable and mean as much as anybody else's! And besides, how could I want to hurt you? If I asked him out it'd hurt you, I know it would, and I'd much rather be sad for a little while myself. You'd do the same thing for me.”

“Newsflash, Yug', I am. Listen, you're my best friend in the world. I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for you. I mean it, I want you to be with the guy you love. Let me do something for you, like you've done so much for me.”

At that point our little war of martyrdom was interrupted. “I suppose,” Kaiba cut in, with ice in his tone, “I should be flattered that I'm being fought over. However, considering you're each trying to pawn me off on the other I'm beginning to doubt my welcome. And if either of you understood me as well as you profess to, I'd expect you to be aware I don't take kindly to being treated as chattel goods.”

Yugi and I looked at each other. If his thoughts were anything like mine, and judging by the look on his face they were, there was only one word for it. Oops.

“Furthermore,” Kaiba snapped, “even if you are sincere in your claims that you have feelings for me, and your hot-potato treatment of my time and emotions is motivated by altruism, you know my opinion of self-sacrifice in friendship. Whichever one of you gives in, the other will harbour resentment and possibly bitterness, whatever their intentions are. It appears that both of you will step aside in deference to the other, which then terminates the experiment before it even begins. In light of your stubbornness, another possibility emerges.” He paused, as if to build the suspense.

I scowled. “Care to indulge us, since it seems like it's only obvious to you?” I said sarcastically.

“A three-way relationship.”

…

…

I forced a laugh. “Oh, 'course. Why didn' I think a' that? I mean, it's totally reas'nable an' logical - threesomes, y'know. Hehe. Sure.”

Kaiba Looked at me. “I'm not afraid to jump in at the deep end,” he said blandly.

“Huh - what? It's not about bein' afraid - it's just that threesomes don' work! Y'know, two's company an' all that. You ever hear of anyone you knew bein' in a three-way?” I was started to get weirded out - neither Kaiba nor Yugi looked like the idea was at all ridiculous.

“Yami says that if it'll make it better he'll join in and make it a foursome,” Yugi piped up.

“Isn't your sister involved with those other two cheerleader boys in your group?” Kaiba pointed out.

I'd thought I'd been too overwhelmed by startling discoveries to react to any new surprises. I was wrong. “Oi, leave my sister out of—What did Yami say?!” My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head. “Yami's gay?”

“He doesn't think his partner's gender matters,” Yugi clarified. “And he wants me - and you guys, too, of course - to be happy.” He glowed happily to himself. I kinda wished I had an ancient spirit to be totally loyal to me and boost my mood whenever I needed it - actually, the voices in my head gave me enough problems already, so maybe adding another one wouldn't be the way to go.

“You're serious?” I demanded of Kaiba and Yugi. “You really think a three-way would work?”

“I think it's worth a shot,” said Yugi firmly. He grinned. “Someone has to keep you two from killing each other, right?”

“I'm not adverse to trying,” Kaiba agreed. Of course he wouldn't mind, his ego'd be out of control now that he had two guys chasing him. “Earlier I gave out that I didn't have feelings for either of you. However, if given the opportunity, I'd be willing to discover if I could learn some.”

Brain … freezing … too much … new stuff … to … assimilate … gerk…

“Well, if we all know what we're getting into, why not?” I found myself saying weakly. Damnit, who the hell was possessing my mouth? “Um, one thing though.”

“What is it?” asked Yugi.

I grabbed onto the front of his t-shirt. “Don' tell Anzu that Yami wouldn' have minded jumpin' in the sack with us. I dunno about you, but I don' want t' die just yet!”

Yugi laughed merrily, but it was Kaiba who brought a smile to my face. Scowling just a bit, he declared, “If she threatens you, she'll have to go through me first.”

I met Yugi's eyes and we shared a grin. We'd been put in an impossible situation, but had gotten through it together. And what was more, we both ended up with someone we loved. Two of them.

-][-][-][-][-

1: `Carpe diem' - Latin for `seize the day', basically meaning take the opportunities that come to you.
2: `Uke' - the one who's “on the bottom” in a relationship between two guys.
3: `They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity' - direct quote from Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson.