Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Error of Psyche ❯ Cause and Effect ( Chapter 2 )

Cause and Effect

Warnings: Shonen-ai and mentioned suicide attempt.

Rated: PG-13

Ah yes, I found myself nearing a nervous breakdown and I had an epiphany. Okay so it's nothing life altering, but I did come to realize on things. This story is not complete. You only have one side of what happened, from the person who knows the least about the situation. So here you go, Seto's personal assessment on his relationship with everyone's favorite canine. It is the same as the last part but in a different person's prospective, so if you see something repeated, it's meant to be that way.

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I'm sure if anyone knew exactly what went on between us, they would ask a lot of questions; questions in which I'm also sure that you could not answer. You would have to lie to your friends, say things that never really happened. The story of how we got together would have to be a lot different. And I'm sure you would never tell your friends that we have yet to have true kiss.

That's probably why you haven't said anything to them. Not Yugi, not Honda, not Anzu and not even the little British boy, Ryou. None of them even know that we see each other just about every night.

You probably tell them that you're going out on dates, or you say nothing and they figure it's an awkward stage you're going through. They'd probably believe the latter easier then you actually managing to get a date every night of the week for four months strait. At least without them actually meeting whoever this 'mystery person' was.

Yes, and I do mean 'person'. You had never appeared to be the strait-as-an-arrow type to me. Just something about the air around you implied something completely different. Or perhaps I put too much thought into every situation. I've been told that more then once by Mokuba who seems to think I'm obsessive compulsive about being in control.

What would Mokuba say if he heard I was with you? There are two possibilities that I could think of. One he would completely flip out, shun me for a while then realize that I need it or the second, not really care. He'd probably think that it was better I was clinging to something aside from my work.

But am I really clinging to you? I never really thought about it. The day I had come to you, I had tried to end my life. I don't know why I did it. Impulse really. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. That was until I realized that I would be leaving Mokuba with no one to take care of him.

I blamed my suicide attempt on lack of sleep. It is after all a logical explanation. Humans, I chuckle inwardly, we all do crazy things when our minds and bodies haven't had any rest. Who would've thought that mine would lead me to suicide?

Which brings me to something that I've never explained to you before, and probably won't unless it's inside my mind. I wasn't lying when I said I tried to drown myself in a fishpond. Okay, that's only half true. It was more like a river.

I suppose you where right about one thing; it did have to do with Mokuba. The reason I'm still breathing today at least. If he hadn't have been alive and there for me to worry about I would probably be at the bottom of the river right now.

Then again maybe I would've thought of you and that would've kept me alive. I don't know how it would've, but it might have.

You see you where what appeared in my mind as I took the rocks out of my pockets, and exited the waters. At that time I didn't understand why exactly I had thought of you, but I understand it now. You where my alternate for release, or rather, you are.

I didn't need to end my life because I could simply go to you. It doesn't make sense, I know. Even I am still contemptuous about the matter. I really could've gone to someone else, anyone else, preferably someone that I found less annoying. Not that I've found you annoying since then. You've been different, normally really.

Yes at anytime I could go to someone else if I really wanted to. I could've gone to Yugi, Anzu or maybe even Ryou who would probably love me as they do in those romantic comedies that the masses find so appealing. In my opinion personal opinion, they're appalling. If I wanted the sort of love that you had with Honda, I could've gone to him. I would've had the buddy-buddy affection that you two seem to have. I have a feeling he wouldn't have accepted me if I had gone to him. He did have you after all, why would he need me to care for? Then if my apparently suicidal impulsive side had gotten the better of me again, I could've gone to Malik. Seeing how I am still alive and breathing, it has yet to do so.

Of all of those people I had gone to you. You are the one person I could guarantee I would not fall for, and wouldn't fall for me. I've been thus far. I don't love you, but I don't hate you like I used to. I like you.

I can't really explain the kind of like that it is. For all I know it could be acceptance, friendship or actually the feeling in which some describe as love or if you where younger it would be said that I perhaps 'like, like' you. I'm not really sure what it is.

I know that I no longer feel ashamed when you kiss me. When I tense up it's more the nervousness of actually growing fond of the feeling of your lips against mine then discomfort as it used to be. Funny how people change? Or maybe I have just grown used to it. That's what I try to tell myself but when you do kiss me, I'm sure it's not the case. Now I find you affections no matter how empty or full of hate they are they comfort me.

So I have chosen you, and have chosen to stay with you. In I sick sort of I was, I presume you could go as far as to say that I am 'happy' with you. What do we know of happiness anyways? This could be the closest that we ever get to it, true happiness.

That doesn't sound so bad. I find myself content lying here with my head in your lap, but you're not holding me. I pause and thinking over that last part again. You're not holding me. For some reason it's hard for me to feel comfortable anymore, so I frown.

"Kaiba," You say and I wonder if you noticed the change in the air. I could feel myself become nervous. It was strange; I'm never nervous, least of all around you.

"Hn?" Was the only reply I dare to give you. Much unexpectedly you gently cup the sides of my face with your hands, lifting it up so I look at you. And I do, right into those beautiful amber eyes of yours. I frown again. I shouldn't be enjoying any affection from you. This is meant to be release for me, a way to let go. I'm not meant to enjoy this.

You smile at me. I'm at a loss. You never smile at me, and you're doing it so brightly right now. You lean in closer to me, pressing your lips against mine in a way you have never done before. It's hard to explain, because I have no words to explain something so, so, loving.

My body stiffens. I know you expect it. Right now I wish I could relax, but I can't seem to. You have my brain in shambles right now, completely lost in the mockery of trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

I do the only thing that I'm used to; the only thing that I could think of at the moment. I part my lips for you, just as I have always done. You deny. In all these long days you have never denied such a thing.

Instead, your eyes slip closed almost peacefully. I want to panic, but I know it would do me no good. What good did panicking every do anyone, anyways? None at all, that's what. So I sit here and wait for you to pull away.

When you do, I place a deep scowl on my face before asking, "What was that?"

"I don't know," I could tell that you weren't lying, but it only it made it that stranger in my mind.

You suddenly look frightened, though I can't understand why. "You've never kissed me back," then it all became clear with those simple words. You're afraid that you beginning to enjoy this, you're afraid like I'm afraid. We don't want to admit what is there and it scares the hell out of both of us.

"I know," I say, you frown. "If I did that would mean I was attached," I don't want to be attached. I couldn't say the last part. It wasn't true and would be pointless to even say it out loud. I am attached to you, even though I don't want to admit it I have to.

"This was supposed to be a release, not a relationship Katsuya," I don't know why I'm saying this. You flinch at my words. I'm hurting you, and you don't even bother to hide it, which hurts me.

You're silent now. Again I want to panic. It's an uncomfortable silence, one that I hadn't brought upon myself. Then again I probably deserve to feel uncomfortable right now.

I'm such an ass. I know I shouldn't care if I make you feel bad. You're supposed to mean nothing to me. I hate how nothing ever works out the way that you plan them.

The look on your face is painful, as if you're about to cry. I didn't know what else to do, so I said the truth. "Maybe I relationship wouldn't be so bad," I say purposely so you wouldn't understand me. You look at me, confused, your eyes blinking open and closed a few times. I push myself forward and kiss you.

I hate you for doing this to me, and I know you feel the same way. You love me still, I can feel it as you return my kiss as I had never done to you before.

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I think I did Jou's part better. Oh well. Please review! They help authors to grow!