Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Hanging ❯ Part One: A Moment Here With You ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Kagemihari 
A moment here with you. The first night....based on Chapter 8 of Nenya85's 'I Guess it was in the Cards.'
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.30.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 382 | Status: Completed
A moment here with you. The first night....based on Chapter 8 of Nenya85's 'I Guess it was in the Cards.'
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.30.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 382 | Status: Completed
Title: Hanging
Author: Kagemihari
Disclaimer: alright already, they're not mine...jeez...characters belong to Takahashi-sensei and lyrics to Lifehouse
Kagi's notes: songfic to 'Hanging by a Moment' by Lifehouse, inspired by chapters 8 and 15 of "I Guess it was in the Cards" by Nenya85, although it doesn't follow her story exactly. You don't need to have read that to understand this, but I recommend you do at some point if you haven't, because it's one of the best Yami/Seto stories out there. ^__^
This is broken into two parts--the first chapter is about Yami and Seto's first night together, making love; although there is limey content it doesn't go beyond that. I'm focusing more on the thoughts and emotions and how they see the meaning of this event and each other. The second part goes on to explore the dynamics of the relationship as it matures. That's a bad summary--sorry! Nenya thought I should explain the timeline involved here. Just in case not everyone read her story. (Shame on you, if you didn't!) ;)
Nenya was the long suffering (^_~) and very, very helpful beta-reader for this. She was kind enough to tell me that she enjoyed it--I'm glad, because I don't know what I would have done without her! This is my biggest project to date, and I'm so proud of it--much of the credit goes to her for me being as happy with it as I am. Thank you sooo much, for putting up with (nay, aiding and abetting!) my perfectionism and revisionistic tendencies, and letting me bounce ideas off you over the last couple months. You make writing a joy. ^_^
And last but not least, a note from Hiriyou, who listened to me ramble about this fic even though it isn't her fandom--thanks, love! ^_^ She has promised to deal sternly with all my flamers---Beware, flamers! *Hiri waves plastic Wufei sword threateningly* -_-
~lyrics~ = indicates POV change, the first section is Seto's, and then they alternate between him and Yami.
For clarity, ++ at the beginning of the section indicates Kaiba POV, ** for Yami.
Hanging
Part One: A Moment Here With You
~ Desperate for changing, Starving for truth ~
++ I've never lied to myself about who I am and what I can expect out of life. I know exactly what I've made myself into, and I have no regrets. But I've never been able to show my true self to the world. I've never had anyone who could see my heart and understand it, accept it. Just the way I am.
This hint that maybe, maybe there is even one person that will look past all my defenses, see the truth within and not condemn it...it leaves me desperate with hope and fear, and maybe shame. I don't deserve it, I can't accept it, and yet I need it, so much.
He looks at me and that wonderful look in his eyes makes me want to believe it, to believe him when he says this is how he sees me. His voice is sincere, with a ring of truth to it that makes me dizzy...how can he be so sure?
How can he see that when he looks at me, when all I can see is darkness?
~ Closer where I started, Chasing after you ~
** I watch you wonder, watch you falter, watch you draw back uncertainly, unable to believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are to me. How proud and strong and awesome you are. Like an army with banners raised and fluttering in the wind, you stand and meet every challenge with defiant confidence. You hold your resolve like a standard, facing your foes with careless courage, backed with the power of the kingdom you have conquered with your own sweat and blood. Indomitable.
Like a dragon, free and fierce.
I tell you that, how I see you, and you give me such a look--of awe and wonder and disbelief, as if I had helped you touch the sky and you are doubting that it really happened. I kiss you when you look at me like that, I can't resist; I have no other way to express how I feel about you.
I know I'm breaking you again, breaking this time the chains of your perceptions and your fears. The experience of a lifetime, that touch brings only pain. More than disbelieving, you look stunned, unable to reconcile present truth with past experience.
As I deepen my kiss, you start to respond, but holding back, as if waiting for me to strike you. Stay with me, love, stay with me here. I'm so close, so close to you now, you've let me come this far. Don't push me away, don't let your fear put up that wall that protects and smothers your heart.
I shattered it once, and I could do it again, that's true--but I can do that even if you don't let me in. Give me the chance to prove to you that I mean what I say. That I see you, I know how you've come by your scars, the marks of a mission of love, and I would never condemn you for the sacrifice you've made.
~ I'm falling even more in love with you, I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I think I'm falling in love with you, and I'm terrified. I've never felt anything like this before, never had anyone look at me like this before. Never had anyone touch me like they wanted to reach out with their soul and let it seep through their fingers. Never had anyone trace my skin with that kind of tenderness, as if learning me by heart, by touch alone. Never had anyone kiss me as if trying to express emotions so intense, they are beyond the reach of words.
It leaves me shaking and breathless, with fear and fierce longing, and stunned beyond belief. I have no grid for this, no understanding of what this emotion means. How can you mean what you say, what your eyes and your gentle touch are telling me? I don't understand, but I know it doesn't matter. I just have to believe it. I hesitate, looking into your eyes-can I do this?
I have to believe you, have to take the chance that this once, life isn't going to turn around and screw me over. If this is real, if this is true, it's the best thing that ever happened to me; can I let it slip away?
I can't, I can't let it go, I need you, I need this so badly. But how do I start to trust, how do I let go of a lifetime of experience that is screaming that I can never depend on anyone but myself. Can I do this?
~ I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** I see you hesitate, feel your body tense, watch your eyes shadow as you think, and I know you're wondering if I mean it. If you can trust me. If you can take me at my word without any proof, just jump and hope I will catch you.
I hesitate in my turn, knowing what a step this is for you - for us. I don't want to hurt you, don't want to damage that fragile trust you've given me. You can trust me, love, I promise. I would never hurt you again.
I'm not going to leave you, and I'm willing to wait until you make up your mind. I'm going to be here, just waiting, until you tell me to go.
I know that nothing in your life has prepared you to handle this, and I understand it will take some time. As long as I can be here, be with you, protect you as best I can, that's enough for me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
~ Forgetting all I'm lacking ~
++ He's insane.
I'm broken, twisted, a shell of a man who has lost every shred of that soul that once made him human.
I have betrayed everything I worked for, made all my sacrifices in vain. I became my own worst nightmare, let the darkness swallow me whole. He broke me and gave me the pieces to put back together, he was the one who showed me just how far I had fallen; and then gave me one last chance to regain some of what I had lost. Gave me a chance to rebuild my heart, to reclaim some small, infinitesimal part of my soul, by removing the dreadful, creeping darkness I had allowed to consume me.
Why didn't he kill me? Why did he give me another chance, another battle to fight - against myself, this time.
He knows, he knows what's in my heart, how can he possibly stand there and tell me that I have anything he could want? He must be crazy to think that he really wants a traitor, a murderer like me. I have blood stains on my hands and my heart--stains too dark and deep to wash away. I am guilty beyond redemption and broken beyond repair. I deserve to be cast aside and forgotten, rejected.
And he wants to save me, wants to make love to me. Wants me to believe that I am worth it. Are we even looking at the same person here?
I would think he was blind and naive if I didn't know how very close he came to killing me - not once, but twice. That is the only thing that makes me hope that I can believe him now; he saw me truly then, perhaps I can trust that he is now seeing truly something I cannot. I can't see it at all, can't imagine what he is looking at, to see in myself anything worth saving. Worth loving.
I feel as though I have nothing left, nothing to give, nothing I deserve but scorn, when I have hurt the only good thing in my life and turned my back on it. I am so empty inside, can I really forget all the things I am not, and allow him to show me what I could be?
~ Completely incomplete ~
** I've lived so long as part of someone else, I don't really know how to function without that other part of me.
I've been learning, slowly, how to stand on my own. Learning who I am, now that I'm just me. I don't feel anymore that I need to share a life the way I did before; I am more than just a spirit now, more than just a voice in someone else's head, more than just someone else's Darkness.
And while I have no memories, you have too many, all of them dark and full of pain. My mind is empty of remembered hurt or pain, yet that is all you have. So full of pain that it spills over into everything you are, every breath you take. I am thankful at least that I have no memory such as yours. If in remembering, one must remember such things, perhaps it is better to forget, to look only forward.
You have awakened in me a new feeling of empty space, another place inside of me that is somehow incomplete, but differently. A place where the one I need is you, as much as I need Yugi, but as a lover, more than a conscience and a guide. A complement and an equal more than someone to protect. You are the only one who can really understand me, and I am the only one who really understands you. Even my friends don't know me as well as you do, and if that seems strange, I can't explain it. I only know that you are the one who makes me feel whole. Feel complete.
I feel a connection with you that I can't fight, can't escape, even if I wanted to. This feels right, holding you in my embrace, waiting for you to decide. For tonight, to let me hold you, let me make love to you; but we both know this isn't about just one night. Taking this step is admitting that there will be many such nights, with all the days between them. That we will need a lifetime to explore this bond between us. We're admitting, committing to forever.
It's not a small thing, I know, not something to take lightly. I don't want to rush you. I feel ready, I feel like the time is right, but I want you to feel that way too. So I'm waiting, for you to accept the offer I've held out to you, to let me show you how to love. To let me love you.
~ I'll take your invitation, You take all of me ~
++ I see you waiting, patiently, and I almost smile. You have that confidence, that faith, to simply stand there with an open invitation and wait for me to accept or reject it. As if no matter what I decide, it doesn't matter - no, that's not quite right. As if no matter what I say, it won't change the way you feel.
You have made your choice, to care, decided that you will be there for whatever I need of you.
It's up to me to decide whether or not to risk a lifetime of pain and sacrifice on a bright but unclear future. A possibility, a chance, nothing more, but your eyes are saying that chance is what you make it. That anything is possible as long as you believe.
I have to give you that chance, and I feel, deep down, that this is real, this is right, and you will be the love I've never had. That if I let you take all my broken damaged heart into your keeping, you will give me back an unbreakable bond of perfect trust and love beyond my wildest dreams. Because I've never dreamed, never dared to dream that anyone could care about me that way, could accept the remnants of my tarnished self as anything deserving a second glance of kindness, much less love.
But what the hell; you promise with your gaze that everything I'll ever need is waiting there for me if I just reach out and take it...so, help me god, I'm going to jump and trust that you will catch me.
I'll take that chance, give you all of what's left of my heart and soul , and hope like hell you mean it. Hope to god you know what you're getting into, that you can really do what you've promised with that one look of blazing love and pride.
I don't deserve anything like this, but I can't help myself. I have to. I need it like I need air to breathe. My heart is broken, empty, dark, my soul is scarred and twisted. I can't believe that you see anything else when you look at me, but I have to try.
My heart, my body, my soul, so worthless in my eyes. For what it's worth, it's all yours.
~ Now I'm falling even more in love with you ~
** Oh god, I see that look on your face that means you have decided to throw yourself into this no matter what the cost. You reach out as I hesitate, something rousing your defiance to respond with reckless confidence, and you have no idea how proud of you I am, how my heart swells with pride and joy to see you rise and face your fears.
You reach out to me in spite of your doubts, returning my caress, my kiss with fierce emotion, daring the world to laugh in your face again, daring fate to strike you down like so many times before. You refuse to let your future be ruled by your past-I taught you that, or tried to, and it thrills me to see you taking it to heart.
You are beautiful, so beautiful--god I wish you could see it, the way you look to me.
Do you remember the Blue Eyes? Wasn't he cool? you asked me. And I showed you the Blue Eyes that I see--the Blue Eyes that you are to me. It was, indeed, cool. It was awesome, just like you. Just like the unfathomable strength of your spirit. I remember, alright.
I am going to spend the rest of my life making sure you never forget. I'll never get enough of you. Every time you look at me I fall a little farther. Every time you touch me I feel you branded into my heart.
I could never get tired of watching you, watching the light of that fire inside of you blaze up until everything else is thrown into shadow. I can't help being amazed and awed by your strength, the determination you have to not back down, to never surrender. The way you face your fears and meet them head on in defiance, so fierce, and every passing moment I love you more and more.
~ I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I feel like I'm in free fall now, letting go, letting you take me higher and higher, until it's hard to breathe or think or feel anything but your hands, your mouth, the heat of your skin against mine. Every touch is charged with emotion, charged with the promise we're making, to live, to love, to be forever only for you.
I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't tell if I'm falling or flying. All I can see, everything I feel is you. You've taken me, turned me inside out, left your mark on my body and soul. You're making me yours, I belong to you now. I'm yours.
Forever. Only for you.
~ I'm standing here until you make me move ~
** Do you know I can never leave you now? I don't think I can live without you, I need you like I need air to breathe.
You feel so good, so right, your heat and fire and passion take my breath away. I love the way you taste, the way you smell, your strength as you hold me tight. I love the sound of your voice as you call my name, and the way your fingertips leave trailing fire on my skin.
I'll never get tired of you, never get enough of you, never have enough of seeing you like this.
I need you, I want you, only you. For whatever comes, whatever happens, to love you and hold you and be there for you.
I will be here. Forever.
~ I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
++ This is almost surreal. I feel suspended, watching as if from outside myself as I let myself go, let of my doubts, and take you at face value. Take you at your word. Trust that you will be there as I fall, that you won't let me hit the ground.
I'm caught here in this moment with you, it's filled with light and I'm flying, soaring, and it's beautiful and perfect and right, I wish...
I wish it could last forever, that it didn't have to end.
I want so badly to wake up tomorrow and find you there. To find that it was not just a dream. I want that more than anything, but I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
Tonight, god, if all I ever have with you is tonight it's almost enough. Tonight you're all I want, all I need - just this moment here with you is all I ever want, and I'm hanging on to it as long as I can. Just hanging by a moment here with you...
~ I'm living for the only thing I know ~
** The desperate thread of hope, the determined, defiant trust in your eyes as you surrender your body and soul leaves me touched and amazed, awed as I realize what you've given me. The cost of what you've shared with me. Offering me your body and soul and I can see that for you it's an act of defiance, an act of trust. A choice to not back down and once again, refusing to surrender.
I'm humbled to find at your center such a childlike will to trust, so far from what I would have expected, yet a rare and precious thing.
I love you, oh god, how I love you. I haven't even begun to show you how much. I swear, if it takes me a lifetime, I'm going to make you believe it.
~ I'm running and not quite sure where to go, and I don't know what I'm diving into ~
++ I don't believe you, don't believe this, I can not believe this is true. That you're still here, still holding me now.
This can't be happening, not to me...I don't deserve this kind of love. How can I let you do this, love me, make me want things I have no right to? I can't....But I made a choice-no, I had no choice. It was never a choice, not really. Never a question of if, but when.
I made a decision, to go with this, to trust this, to go as far as I can with you. I'm not sure where we're going, but wherever it is, I want to go there with you. I gave you my heart and my soul, and I would give up my life for you in a heartbeat. You've given me everything, given me a chance at everything I thought I had lost forever.
I'm not alone, not alone anymore...you're still here with me. Holding me. You got what you wanted and all my experience tells me that you should have left then, but you're still here and I'm warm and safe in your arms and it's so hard to believe this is real.
I don't know where this is going, don't know how to react or what to do. I'll just have to follow my emotions, go with that exultant joy in my heart. The exhilaration I feel seeing you next to me, feeling your warmth reminding me that I'm not alone. I want you to still be here in the morning, I want to wake up next to you and see if you'll kiss me again.
It shakes me, scares me how much I want that, want you, more than I've ever wanted anything. How much I want this night to be the first of many. How much I love you.
I shouldn't, but I do. I just can't help myself.
~ Just hanging by a moment here with you ~
** I'm holding you now, watching you sleep, as I have so often before, but this time it is different. This time I know that you belong to me, as much as I belong to you.
I wish I could protect you from everything, even your nightmares, but I know--you don't really need that. You don't need me to protect your body or your soul. No, what's now in my keeping is your heart. A treasure to guard and cherish and never, never let go. Perhaps what I've given you is a little armor, a little ammunition against your nightmares. At least, I hope, I've given you a good dream this time.
I wish I could protect you, though if you needed me to, you wouldn't be the warrior, the fighting spirit that I love. But I'll watch you sleep, and watch your dreams. I can't take away your nightmares, but I'll share them.
I want to share all your pain, all your joy, every day of your life. I will, if you let me. I will.
-end Part one-
Author: Kagemihari
Disclaimer: alright already, they're not mine...jeez...characters belong to Takahashi-sensei and lyrics to Lifehouse
Kagi's notes: songfic to 'Hanging by a Moment' by Lifehouse, inspired by chapters 8 and 15 of "I Guess it was in the Cards" by Nenya85, although it doesn't follow her story exactly. You don't need to have read that to understand this, but I recommend you do at some point if you haven't, because it's one of the best Yami/Seto stories out there. ^__^
This is broken into two parts--the first chapter is about Yami and Seto's first night together, making love; although there is limey content it doesn't go beyond that. I'm focusing more on the thoughts and emotions and how they see the meaning of this event and each other. The second part goes on to explore the dynamics of the relationship as it matures. That's a bad summary--sorry! Nenya thought I should explain the timeline involved here. Just in case not everyone read her story. (Shame on you, if you didn't!) ;)
Nenya was the long suffering (^_~) and very, very helpful beta-reader for this. She was kind enough to tell me that she enjoyed it--I'm glad, because I don't know what I would have done without her! This is my biggest project to date, and I'm so proud of it--much of the credit goes to her for me being as happy with it as I am. Thank you sooo much, for putting up with (nay, aiding and abetting!) my perfectionism and revisionistic tendencies, and letting me bounce ideas off you over the last couple months. You make writing a joy. ^_^
And last but not least, a note from Hiriyou, who listened to me ramble about this fic even though it isn't her fandom--thanks, love! ^_^ She has promised to deal sternly with all my flamers---Beware, flamers! *Hiri waves plastic Wufei sword threateningly* -_-
~lyrics~ = indicates POV change, the first section is Seto's, and then they alternate between him and Yami.
For clarity, ++ at the beginning of the section indicates Kaiba POV, ** for Yami.
Hanging
Part One: A Moment Here With You
~ Desperate for changing, Starving for truth ~
++ I've never lied to myself about who I am and what I can expect out of life. I know exactly what I've made myself into, and I have no regrets. But I've never been able to show my true self to the world. I've never had anyone who could see my heart and understand it, accept it. Just the way I am.
This hint that maybe, maybe there is even one person that will look past all my defenses, see the truth within and not condemn it...it leaves me desperate with hope and fear, and maybe shame. I don't deserve it, I can't accept it, and yet I need it, so much.
He looks at me and that wonderful look in his eyes makes me want to believe it, to believe him when he says this is how he sees me. His voice is sincere, with a ring of truth to it that makes me dizzy...how can he be so sure?
How can he see that when he looks at me, when all I can see is darkness?
~ Closer where I started, Chasing after you ~
** I watch you wonder, watch you falter, watch you draw back uncertainly, unable to believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are to me. How proud and strong and awesome you are. Like an army with banners raised and fluttering in the wind, you stand and meet every challenge with defiant confidence. You hold your resolve like a standard, facing your foes with careless courage, backed with the power of the kingdom you have conquered with your own sweat and blood. Indomitable.
Like a dragon, free and fierce.
I tell you that, how I see you, and you give me such a look--of awe and wonder and disbelief, as if I had helped you touch the sky and you are doubting that it really happened. I kiss you when you look at me like that, I can't resist; I have no other way to express how I feel about you.
I know I'm breaking you again, breaking this time the chains of your perceptions and your fears. The experience of a lifetime, that touch brings only pain. More than disbelieving, you look stunned, unable to reconcile present truth with past experience.
As I deepen my kiss, you start to respond, but holding back, as if waiting for me to strike you. Stay with me, love, stay with me here. I'm so close, so close to you now, you've let me come this far. Don't push me away, don't let your fear put up that wall that protects and smothers your heart.
I shattered it once, and I could do it again, that's true--but I can do that even if you don't let me in. Give me the chance to prove to you that I mean what I say. That I see you, I know how you've come by your scars, the marks of a mission of love, and I would never condemn you for the sacrifice you've made.
~ I'm falling even more in love with you, I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I think I'm falling in love with you, and I'm terrified. I've never felt anything like this before, never had anyone look at me like this before. Never had anyone touch me like they wanted to reach out with their soul and let it seep through their fingers. Never had anyone trace my skin with that kind of tenderness, as if learning me by heart, by touch alone. Never had anyone kiss me as if trying to express emotions so intense, they are beyond the reach of words.
It leaves me shaking and breathless, with fear and fierce longing, and stunned beyond belief. I have no grid for this, no understanding of what this emotion means. How can you mean what you say, what your eyes and your gentle touch are telling me? I don't understand, but I know it doesn't matter. I just have to believe it. I hesitate, looking into your eyes-can I do this?
I have to believe you, have to take the chance that this once, life isn't going to turn around and screw me over. If this is real, if this is true, it's the best thing that ever happened to me; can I let it slip away?
I can't, I can't let it go, I need you, I need this so badly. But how do I start to trust, how do I let go of a lifetime of experience that is screaming that I can never depend on anyone but myself. Can I do this?
~ I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** I see you hesitate, feel your body tense, watch your eyes shadow as you think, and I know you're wondering if I mean it. If you can trust me. If you can take me at my word without any proof, just jump and hope I will catch you.
I hesitate in my turn, knowing what a step this is for you - for us. I don't want to hurt you, don't want to damage that fragile trust you've given me. You can trust me, love, I promise. I would never hurt you again.
I'm not going to leave you, and I'm willing to wait until you make up your mind. I'm going to be here, just waiting, until you tell me to go.
I know that nothing in your life has prepared you to handle this, and I understand it will take some time. As long as I can be here, be with you, protect you as best I can, that's enough for me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
~ Forgetting all I'm lacking ~
++ He's insane.
I'm broken, twisted, a shell of a man who has lost every shred of that soul that once made him human.
I have betrayed everything I worked for, made all my sacrifices in vain. I became my own worst nightmare, let the darkness swallow me whole. He broke me and gave me the pieces to put back together, he was the one who showed me just how far I had fallen; and then gave me one last chance to regain some of what I had lost. Gave me a chance to rebuild my heart, to reclaim some small, infinitesimal part of my soul, by removing the dreadful, creeping darkness I had allowed to consume me.
Why didn't he kill me? Why did he give me another chance, another battle to fight - against myself, this time.
He knows, he knows what's in my heart, how can he possibly stand there and tell me that I have anything he could want? He must be crazy to think that he really wants a traitor, a murderer like me. I have blood stains on my hands and my heart--stains too dark and deep to wash away. I am guilty beyond redemption and broken beyond repair. I deserve to be cast aside and forgotten, rejected.
And he wants to save me, wants to make love to me. Wants me to believe that I am worth it. Are we even looking at the same person here?
I would think he was blind and naive if I didn't know how very close he came to killing me - not once, but twice. That is the only thing that makes me hope that I can believe him now; he saw me truly then, perhaps I can trust that he is now seeing truly something I cannot. I can't see it at all, can't imagine what he is looking at, to see in myself anything worth saving. Worth loving.
I feel as though I have nothing left, nothing to give, nothing I deserve but scorn, when I have hurt the only good thing in my life and turned my back on it. I am so empty inside, can I really forget all the things I am not, and allow him to show me what I could be?
~ Completely incomplete ~
** I've lived so long as part of someone else, I don't really know how to function without that other part of me.
I've been learning, slowly, how to stand on my own. Learning who I am, now that I'm just me. I don't feel anymore that I need to share a life the way I did before; I am more than just a spirit now, more than just a voice in someone else's head, more than just someone else's Darkness.
And while I have no memories, you have too many, all of them dark and full of pain. My mind is empty of remembered hurt or pain, yet that is all you have. So full of pain that it spills over into everything you are, every breath you take. I am thankful at least that I have no memory such as yours. If in remembering, one must remember such things, perhaps it is better to forget, to look only forward.
You have awakened in me a new feeling of empty space, another place inside of me that is somehow incomplete, but differently. A place where the one I need is you, as much as I need Yugi, but as a lover, more than a conscience and a guide. A complement and an equal more than someone to protect. You are the only one who can really understand me, and I am the only one who really understands you. Even my friends don't know me as well as you do, and if that seems strange, I can't explain it. I only know that you are the one who makes me feel whole. Feel complete.
I feel a connection with you that I can't fight, can't escape, even if I wanted to. This feels right, holding you in my embrace, waiting for you to decide. For tonight, to let me hold you, let me make love to you; but we both know this isn't about just one night. Taking this step is admitting that there will be many such nights, with all the days between them. That we will need a lifetime to explore this bond between us. We're admitting, committing to forever.
It's not a small thing, I know, not something to take lightly. I don't want to rush you. I feel ready, I feel like the time is right, but I want you to feel that way too. So I'm waiting, for you to accept the offer I've held out to you, to let me show you how to love. To let me love you.
~ I'll take your invitation, You take all of me ~
++ I see you waiting, patiently, and I almost smile. You have that confidence, that faith, to simply stand there with an open invitation and wait for me to accept or reject it. As if no matter what I decide, it doesn't matter - no, that's not quite right. As if no matter what I say, it won't change the way you feel.
You have made your choice, to care, decided that you will be there for whatever I need of you.
It's up to me to decide whether or not to risk a lifetime of pain and sacrifice on a bright but unclear future. A possibility, a chance, nothing more, but your eyes are saying that chance is what you make it. That anything is possible as long as you believe.
I have to give you that chance, and I feel, deep down, that this is real, this is right, and you will be the love I've never had. That if I let you take all my broken damaged heart into your keeping, you will give me back an unbreakable bond of perfect trust and love beyond my wildest dreams. Because I've never dreamed, never dared to dream that anyone could care about me that way, could accept the remnants of my tarnished self as anything deserving a second glance of kindness, much less love.
But what the hell; you promise with your gaze that everything I'll ever need is waiting there for me if I just reach out and take it...so, help me god, I'm going to jump and trust that you will catch me.
I'll take that chance, give you all of what's left of my heart and soul , and hope like hell you mean it. Hope to god you know what you're getting into, that you can really do what you've promised with that one look of blazing love and pride.
I don't deserve anything like this, but I can't help myself. I have to. I need it like I need air to breathe. My heart is broken, empty, dark, my soul is scarred and twisted. I can't believe that you see anything else when you look at me, but I have to try.
My heart, my body, my soul, so worthless in my eyes. For what it's worth, it's all yours.
~ Now I'm falling even more in love with you ~
** Oh god, I see that look on your face that means you have decided to throw yourself into this no matter what the cost. You reach out as I hesitate, something rousing your defiance to respond with reckless confidence, and you have no idea how proud of you I am, how my heart swells with pride and joy to see you rise and face your fears.
You reach out to me in spite of your doubts, returning my caress, my kiss with fierce emotion, daring the world to laugh in your face again, daring fate to strike you down like so many times before. You refuse to let your future be ruled by your past-I taught you that, or tried to, and it thrills me to see you taking it to heart.
You are beautiful, so beautiful--god I wish you could see it, the way you look to me.
Do you remember the Blue Eyes? Wasn't he cool? you asked me. And I showed you the Blue Eyes that I see--the Blue Eyes that you are to me. It was, indeed, cool. It was awesome, just like you. Just like the unfathomable strength of your spirit. I remember, alright.
I am going to spend the rest of my life making sure you never forget. I'll never get enough of you. Every time you look at me I fall a little farther. Every time you touch me I feel you branded into my heart.
I could never get tired of watching you, watching the light of that fire inside of you blaze up until everything else is thrown into shadow. I can't help being amazed and awed by your strength, the determination you have to not back down, to never surrender. The way you face your fears and meet them head on in defiance, so fierce, and every passing moment I love you more and more.
~ I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I feel like I'm in free fall now, letting go, letting you take me higher and higher, until it's hard to breathe or think or feel anything but your hands, your mouth, the heat of your skin against mine. Every touch is charged with emotion, charged with the promise we're making, to live, to love, to be forever only for you.
I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't tell if I'm falling or flying. All I can see, everything I feel is you. You've taken me, turned me inside out, left your mark on my body and soul. You're making me yours, I belong to you now. I'm yours.
Forever. Only for you.
~ I'm standing here until you make me move ~
** Do you know I can never leave you now? I don't think I can live without you, I need you like I need air to breathe.
You feel so good, so right, your heat and fire and passion take my breath away. I love the way you taste, the way you smell, your strength as you hold me tight. I love the sound of your voice as you call my name, and the way your fingertips leave trailing fire on my skin.
I'll never get tired of you, never get enough of you, never have enough of seeing you like this.
I need you, I want you, only you. For whatever comes, whatever happens, to love you and hold you and be there for you.
I will be here. Forever.
~ I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
++ This is almost surreal. I feel suspended, watching as if from outside myself as I let myself go, let of my doubts, and take you at face value. Take you at your word. Trust that you will be there as I fall, that you won't let me hit the ground.
I'm caught here in this moment with you, it's filled with light and I'm flying, soaring, and it's beautiful and perfect and right, I wish...
I wish it could last forever, that it didn't have to end.
I want so badly to wake up tomorrow and find you there. To find that it was not just a dream. I want that more than anything, but I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
Tonight, god, if all I ever have with you is tonight it's almost enough. Tonight you're all I want, all I need - just this moment here with you is all I ever want, and I'm hanging on to it as long as I can. Just hanging by a moment here with you...
~ I'm living for the only thing I know ~
** The desperate thread of hope, the determined, defiant trust in your eyes as you surrender your body and soul leaves me touched and amazed, awed as I realize what you've given me. The cost of what you've shared with me. Offering me your body and soul and I can see that for you it's an act of defiance, an act of trust. A choice to not back down and once again, refusing to surrender.
I'm humbled to find at your center such a childlike will to trust, so far from what I would have expected, yet a rare and precious thing.
I love you, oh god, how I love you. I haven't even begun to show you how much. I swear, if it takes me a lifetime, I'm going to make you believe it.
~ I'm running and not quite sure where to go, and I don't know what I'm diving into ~
++ I don't believe you, don't believe this, I can not believe this is true. That you're still here, still holding me now.
This can't be happening, not to me...I don't deserve this kind of love. How can I let you do this, love me, make me want things I have no right to? I can't....But I made a choice-no, I had no choice. It was never a choice, not really. Never a question of if, but when.
I made a decision, to go with this, to trust this, to go as far as I can with you. I'm not sure where we're going, but wherever it is, I want to go there with you. I gave you my heart and my soul, and I would give up my life for you in a heartbeat. You've given me everything, given me a chance at everything I thought I had lost forever.
I'm not alone, not alone anymore...you're still here with me. Holding me. You got what you wanted and all my experience tells me that you should have left then, but you're still here and I'm warm and safe in your arms and it's so hard to believe this is real.
I don't know where this is going, don't know how to react or what to do. I'll just have to follow my emotions, go with that exultant joy in my heart. The exhilaration I feel seeing you next to me, feeling your warmth reminding me that I'm not alone. I want you to still be here in the morning, I want to wake up next to you and see if you'll kiss me again.
It shakes me, scares me how much I want that, want you, more than I've ever wanted anything. How much I want this night to be the first of many. How much I love you.
I shouldn't, but I do. I just can't help myself.
~ Just hanging by a moment here with you ~
** I'm holding you now, watching you sleep, as I have so often before, but this time it is different. This time I know that you belong to me, as much as I belong to you.
I wish I could protect you from everything, even your nightmares, but I know--you don't really need that. You don't need me to protect your body or your soul. No, what's now in my keeping is your heart. A treasure to guard and cherish and never, never let go. Perhaps what I've given you is a little armor, a little ammunition against your nightmares. At least, I hope, I've given you a good dream this time.
I wish I could protect you, though if you needed me to, you wouldn't be the warrior, the fighting spirit that I love. But I'll watch you sleep, and watch your dreams. I can't take away your nightmares, but I'll share them.
I want to share all your pain, all your joy, every day of your life. I will, if you let me. I will.
-end Part one-