Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ My Promise ❯ Teenage Saga: Sweet ( Chapter 25 )

25 Teenage Saga: Sweet.

oOo

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh isn't mine blablabla... to bad. I don't own Ryou, Bakura, others and the Millennium Items.

oOo

Note: I will use a not so familiar YGO-background character in this chapter, but this person (name will be discovered when Ryou will learn his name!) is a real classmate (seen in the first YGO Manga of the First Series) so therefore will be in Paris now

Note2: Keep in your mind my French is bad. If you see a big mistake, just tell me or don't pay attention to it. If you want the translation of the piece in French, just look at what Ryou ask the Hotel-manager in London. He now says pretty much the same. If things are still not clear, ask/mail me.

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Once my realization had sunk in, I was already in the train to Paris. What happened further in `Antwerpen'? I have no idea. All I could think of was the fact I liked Bakura in a not so `best-friend' way, but more in the `I-want-to-be-more-than-just-best-friends' way. Also I wondered what Bakura would think of me when I would tell him I liked him very much. I mean, though HE was gay, that didn't immediately mean he liked ME in that way.

Well, between all those endless and mindless thoughts I did come to one conclusion: I was now officially gay. Needless to say, I now have an official reason to hate myself.

The feeling I described as fuzzy should be more than enough evidence to conclude I am homosexual.

First, it was a shock.

Now, it's still a shock. Though it's now a shock I can live with. I do know if I can hide it anymore. I almost melt inside when Bakura accidentally touches me, or says something sweet to me. It makes me feel so happy when he talks to me, that I tend to forget we're both boys, and that being gay is wrong according to almost everybody I knew.

Still, he and I are best friends, not boyfriends. The way I started to see him, will never be responded by him. Though I tend to bundle all my hopes together when Bakura hugs me, I know it's a mere friendship hug to Bakura. After all, who would ever be interested in old boring, stupid, and not to forget clumsy, me? That's right: no one.

“Ryou?” When I heard Bakura's voice calling me from the present world, I left all my hopeless thoughts behind, and looked up to the person where I couldn't stop thinking of anymore. He truly WAS beautiful, though he didn't look happy at this moment. More concerned and worried … worried? About me? Oh boy.

“What's wrong with me, Bakura?” I asked, only slightly caring I sounded negative again. I really hoped Bakura didn't dislike my negative attitude, because though I tried hard to be something worth it in his eyes, I just couldn't stop thinking negative and sarcastic. It simply was a part of me.

“Nothing is wrong with you, Ryou! I was just … I was just wondering if you were okay. You seem so far away in your mind lately. You're more silent than usual … and you didn't laugh when I tried to make you laugh. If something is the matter, or you want to talk about something … remember I'm here for you, okay?” Hmmm, to tell or not to tell? That is the question. Should I just spill out all of my endless thoughts about how I currently feel? Should I tell him what I figured out in `Antwerpen', so we can look for a solution together? Perhaps Bakura will understand, or even feel the same as I feel! Riiiiight, nonsense. Such foolish thoughts I can have!

“I know that, Bakura.” I answered finally. I won't tell him. Really. Though he would understand I was afraid of this whole new `I-just-figured-out-I'm-gay'-thing, he wouldn't understand the fact I liked him.

“Okay then … I won't be disgusted or shocked!”

“Don't try achieving in getting me to talk when there is nothing to talk about.”

“But you seem so sad lately.”

“There's NOTHING, Bakura!” Once I noticed I was almost shouting at my Bakura, I gasped and put both hands of mine in front of my mouth. Not that such a gesture would help me not so say anything more, I did it anyway.

“Oh, Sorry Bakura! I-I didn't mean it … please don't be mad at me!” I felt my lower lip tremble while I was stating this. I really hope I didn't make him sad! I was such a monster for shouting at my best friend! He only wanted to help me, and I, ugly mean sculpture that I was, SHOUTED at him!

“Mad? Why would I be mad at you, sweet Ryou?” Bakura suddenly spoke up, looking slightly puzzled. I felt my face light up immediately. Perhaps I wasn't such a dickhead after all.

“I t-though … I thought you would be mad at me because I yelled at you …”

“I think yelling is a part of the human interaction. Not a good part, but eying the fact you don't talk very often, I'm happy you're interacting with me. Besides, I yell at you too, don't I!”

“Don't try to light things up and say I'm a great person, because I yelled at you.”

“You are a great person. You keep on forgetting you made my life worth it, which is kind of bad. You were there for me when I needed you, and now I'm here for you if you need me. Just talk to me if something is bothering you.”

“There's nothing to talk of, Bakura.” I softly answered. There wasn't. Really! I don't want to talk about this. Never.

“Well ... then I want you to smile a little bit more. We're up to Italy!” When he'd said this, I smiled slightly. Then I turned my head to the window and looked outside, before answering him.

“I'll try to smile, if you try to remember we're going to `France' and not `Italy'. Italy is even more to the south than France.”

“Okay, I'll try to remember,” He chuckled a bit, placing his head softly on my shoulder. I, of course, nearly forgot breathing. Then he continued talking, “Shall we talk again, or play a game? I think we slept long enough for this day.”

I nodded hastily, before figuring out I had to answer his question. Well, seeing the fact I almost got a nosebleed from only thinking of what Bakura and me could PLAY in a train, I choose the safest option. Talk. Not a nice option, but perhaps Bakura would like me more if I was REALLY nice and REALLY talkative toward him. Yes, that's what I'm going to do!

“T-Talk ... I'd like to talk.” I tried to smile as sweet as I could, but Bakura didn't look up from my shoulder to see my 1000-Watt smile. Damn. My smile faltered in no time. No need to be happy when Bakura is not looking!

“What do you think of gay people?” Oh damn, I should have known my sweet Bakura wanted to talk about this more and more. Ugh, now what to answer? I am gay myself, so it doesn't matter anymore to me if you are gay or not? Hahah, stupid joke. Of course I won't tell him!

“Depends who you're talking of.” I finally said, thinking this wasn't even a lie I was telling, but more another question, so I wouldn't have to tell much more about this subject.

“I guess I was pointing at the fact I'm gay ... but you can keep it general if you want to.”

“Generally I don't mind gay people. You in particular ... I don't mind it either. It was just a shock when you told me ... I needed to sink in before I could truly understand it.”

“You've really thought about this whole `Bakura-is-gay'-issue, haven't you?”

“A bit ... I felt little bad for you when I felt so uncomfortable with you when you told me you were gay.”

“Wow,” Bakura suddenly hugged my waist, still with his head on my shoulder. I turned a nice shade of crimson, but Bakura didn't notice it -of course-. Then he continued talking, “I've never have such a great friend before ... you really felt bad for feeling uncomfortable around me?”

I nodded.

“You're too cute, Ryou.”

“Don't give me credit for such things, Bakura.” I sighed softly, though I could feel a little happy bubble inside me. He said I was cute! Though he didn't mean it the way I wanted it to be said, he said it. Yay!

“You deserve credit for these things. I know you'll disagree with this, but I think you're thinking too low of yourself. You always think you're mean and sarcastic, but I think that's bullshit. You're sweet, and because people used to pester you, you hide that sweetness under a layer of sarcasm and negativism.”

“Right, and you are actually straight.”

“Oh, did I note some sarcasm? Bad Ryou, bad! No sarcasm allowed anymore.” He tried to point his index finger at he, but since he was half hugging me with his head on my shoulder, it didn't work very well. I did get the clue.

“I'll try.” I said, trying to sound as positive about myself as I could. Deep down I KNEW Bakura was pretty wrong, but I wasn't going to tell him that. He thought I was sweet? Good. Then I would be sweet. He thought I would try to be happy with him? Good. Then I would try and be happy with him. See the pattern? If I would do things he would be happy for, he would be happy with me, then he would like me more! Thus, this nonsense will have result at last.

“Really? Yay!” Bakura happily sighed, cuddled a bit into me. I sighed too, though my sigh was probably more lovable than happy. Ugh, I need to control myself: right now I'm detestable.

“If you try and be more positive, than I'll be a good boy too,” Bakura continued, probably not noticing how wonderful the last part of his sentence sounded to me, “I want you to be happy, and I would do anything to make you happy. You're more important to me than you think you are.”

“I know you need me. I'm the only one who can see you.” I couldn't help myself being negative again. Bakura cannot possibly think I'm important, and my happiness is important as well! That's simply impossible!

“That's SO not true, Ryou-chan!” This time Bakura sat up straight, pulling his legs on the seat we were sitting on. Then he sat down on his legs, before turning to me again while grabbing my face with his two hands, and turning my head over to look up at his face. Boy, I screwed up again.

“Ryou, you're not important to me because you're the only one who can see me. You're important to me because I love you: You're my best and only friend I've ever had. Sure, we wouldn't have been friends if you weren't the only one who could see me ... but I think it was our destiny to be friends and end up together!” He closed the gap between our faces, so our foreheads touched. I resisted the urge to blush and kiss him, of course. Not ruin this moment, Ryou! He said he loved you! Not in the love-love way, but in the friend-love way! But it's love, so I better not screw this moment!

“Ryou ... ever since I met you I felt alive again. When I first met you, you showed me there are different ways to live a life, and both of us choose our own life, which ended up together. I helped you overcome your shyness and help you face bullies, while you showed me innocence and happy thoughts. Now, years and years later, we helped each other again. I helped you break free of the life you didn't want to live, and you helped me feel wanted again ... you gave me a purpose to live: To take care of you. You're ... you're like my little brother who I can take care of.” Please note my entire world crumbled apart in a split second.

... BROTHER!

“B-Brothers?” I whispered the word hastily, hoping I didn't hear it correct. Unluckily, I did hear it correct. When he nodded affectionately, I swallowed a sob. Damn me, I'm sick! A freak, for loving someone who sees me as a BROTHER!

“Of course! I love you as my little brother ... I mean, we look so much like each other, with both white hair, and brown eyes. Hey, don't cry!” Bakura stopped his terrible speech to hug me again. Oh, I wish I could stop sobbing right now! I hate myself!

“Ryou ... are you offended I said such a thing, or disgusted I think such a thing?”

“No ... Nothing ... I-I ... no, nothing!” I whispered, stuttered, hugging Bakura back. Gods, I wish the ground would swallow me right and now! I'm too SICK for words! UGH, I HATE myself! PLEASE kill me, I beg you!

“I can feel you're very sad. It's quite an intense emotion you're radiating ... I'm sorry I said such a thing, because well ... well, to be honest, I though you saw me as a brother ... so I can't really figure out why you're being sad now.” I only cried harder and harder when Bakura continued speaking.

“Ryou, what's wrong? I screwed up, didn't I! I-I ... don't you see me as a brother? Ryou!” Bakura was now practically screaming to me. Glad we were the only two peeps in this cabin of the train. Yet, this little happy thing didn't make me feel ANY better. Now Bakura thinks HE is the one who said something wrong! Now HE think he is the bad guy, and I'm the good one! Gods, I DETEST myself!

“Ryou. P-Please stop ... Please.” I barely noticed Bakura was pleading for probably the first time in his life, because suddenly Bakura hugged me back, tighter and stronger than all hugs we shared in the last few days. I tried, to explain why I was sad, tried to say it wasn't his fault, because I screwed this moment and not he, but all I could do was cry uncontrollably.

Yet when something warm dripped on my forehead, I stopped crying in an instant. My eyes widened, while I hesitantly looked up to ... oh, please kill me right here and right now. Bakura was crying too! Big, wet tears were flowing down his cheeks, while his ever-apparent smile was gone. No-no-no! NO!

“S-Stop!” I whispered hoarsely, my throat getting more and more painful with the minute because of my crying a moment ago. Bakura should not cry, I refuse to believe that! I know I'm the meanest, dumbest and most stupid person on this entire world, but to make my sweet Bakura cry! Ugh, I'll never be able to face myself again.

“Ryou ... I-I can feel you're sad. Incredibly sad, because I can feel it, even t-though I've blocked personal thoughts and little feelings between us ... y-you have to tell me what's wrong, because I don't know where I did go wrong ... I-I was only trying to make you feel better, but I guess I screwed up. I-I ... I'm sorry. Please tell me what's wrong, so I can work on it.” When Bakura stopped talking, he tried to dry his eyes and cheek, but it didn't work. As more tears kept coming. I swallowed hard, ignoring the ever-lasting guilt eating away all my happy thoughts, and tried to calm my sweet Bakura down.

“B-Bakura ... p-please st-stop crying ... I'm not sad ... not THAT sad ... it's not your fault, but mine. P-please stop crying, Bakura.” I said, stumbling over all my spoken words. Gods, I'm pathetic. Yet when Bakura slowly stopping crying, I gained little more self-respect. Only a little, but enough to be content with the fact Bakura wasn't crying because of terrible me.

“I still feel you're incredibly sad because of something ... want to tell me, or not?” There was a slight hint in his voice, almost a spoken hope I would tell him what was wrong. But I couldn't! Not after he said I was like a brother of him! I wouldn't tell him my problem that would only upset him more.

“There's nothing ... nothing serious, I mean ... I just got overly touched b-by your words and got so happy I just started crying..” I stopped trying to make a lie, when Bakura looked at me very upset. Gods, did I just HAD to ruin this moment with my big mouth! Now he's even more upset, because he thinks I wouldn't share my problems with him!

“If you don't want to tell me what's wrong, just tell me. I hate this dancing around the truth. Tell me I shouldn't bother trying to make you happy, then I won't do it anymore. But just TELL me, okay?”

Oh boy, now I screwed up. What would life be like if Bakura wouldn't try to make me happy anymore? That's right, life would be just like being back at Winchester again! Terrible and unworthy. Ugh, but what to do! Tell him I was gay and in love with him, so that he would have a reason to hate me even MORE, or not tell him, so he would hate me too!

But Bakura would be happier knowing I would talk to him. Though I don't understand why he bothers trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I guess I'll just speak. Not now ... but tonight. Yes, tonight I would speak. We would get a hotel-room, and then I would tell him. That way nobody would interrupt us, and Bakura would have the chance to escape this nightmare European-tour with me. He could leave the hotel in an instant, get a train, and then we would never see each other again. That way he wouldn't have to sit with me in a train for some more hours, feeling terrible. Yes, tonight I would tell him my secret!

“Ryou? Tell me what you want, please. Please, I beg you ... please.” Bakura whispered at me, immediately letting me push all my thoughts away. Oh yeah, tell him what I want. Well, better tell, else he'd hate me forever ... well, to think about it, he WOULD hate me forever if he'd ever found out my little secret ... but this would be better -I hope-.

“I ... I'll tell you tonight,” I said, almost stumbling over my words. I looked down, quite embarrassed because I was afraid Bakura would hate me even more now. Gods Ryou, nice start. Bakura was probably even more confused -and disappointed- in me, so I tried to explain my motives, “Here is not t-the right place to say ... I- ... I didn't want to tell, but it might be better to say anyway ... tonight we can get an hotel room, so nobody can interrupt m-my story ...” I stopped talking, carefully peeking up to his face. Well, he was still confused, but I could see a little happy sign crossing his eyes as he noticed I was looking at him again.

“Okay ... I- ... I don't wanna push you into telling, but I just got so sad looking at you struggling with yourself and stuff. I want to make you happy, Ryou. Please remember that. But you're right, right indeed. We'd better talk about this in an hotel room, in case you want to be alone for a while, without the chance people could just walk in on us.” Bakura smiled unsurely at me, but as soon as I let little relief flood inside me, his smile got bigger. Hmm, I guess he must have sensed I wasn't feeling extremely sad anymore.

“Thank.” I whispered, before settling against the bench I was sitting on. Normally we would hug, but I think neither of us knew if that would be a good idea or not. I leaned forward to the window, so my forehead slightly touched the cold glass. It didn't make me feel better, but it did create little more space between Bakura and me.

The rest of the ride we were silent. Each in our own world. Each probably thinking of the other. Each probably wondering what tonight would bring us.

oOOo

 

“We're here, Ryou.” Bakura softly stated, while zipping up his jacket. I nodded once, immediately feeling the thick tension, what had formed between us over the ride, becoming even thicker. We hadn't said a word since our incident, and I really hoped I didn't screw it once and for all. Well, I'd figure that out soon enough. Please note the irony.

“Shall we shop, or go straight to a hotel?” Bakura asked, and I could feel he was pretty unsure. Was he afraid I wouldn't like him anymore if he just asked these things? Hahah, NO. `Me' and `not liking Bakura' didn't belong in the same sentence.

But then again, he let me decide what to do. Would I go for the painful but easy way out, and shop a bit? With the thick tension between us it would be o-so wonderful. Or would I go straight to a hotel, tell Bakura I love him, so he could get away from me as soon as possible?

Hmmm, though I would love to have Bakura just a few more hours, I could feel that Bakura's emotions were getting gloomier and sadder with the moment. Hmmm, better get this done immediately and not torture him any longer.

“Hotel, I guess.” I answered at last, hoping Bakura wouldn't leave too soon.

To my surprise, Bakura nodded, then smiled at me. He SMILED, even IF I'm a sick pervert. Gods, he's too nice for my own good sometimes!

“Okay, let's go.” Bakura said. He almost grabbed my hand in the progress to get out of the train, but then probably remember how bad I took his last touch, so grabbed my backpack and held it out so I could slip my arms through the loops. I smiled at sweet as I could, wanting to let Bakura see I still thought of him as at least my best friend.

Before I got off the train, I put on a yellow bandana, while Bakura carefully gave me a thump up. His way to say `Ryou, you're so smart you won't get into jail ... today!'. We scrapped the `7 coloured bandana's for every day in a week', since I didn't want to wear a red or blue one today.

We got off the train, and walked toward the end of the station. Then we headed toward a big crowd, our way to not standing out. When most of the people entered a tube to the Centrum of the town, I gave a swift look at Bakura, and then entered too. At least, that was the plan.

Once I had figured out you couldn't simply take the tube without a ticket, I decided to follow a less bigger crowd to the buss. Yes, better option in the end.

We took the buss to a part near the Centrum, where the shopping area slowly made place for the luxurious hotels. Bakura told me to step out here, so I did. Better not argue.

We walked for a bit, trying to be inconspicuous as possible. I have no idea if we succeeded, because I once caught a brunette girl stare at me like I had grown a second head. That, or she must have thought the yellow bandana was so last century I would never be able to be `cool'. After she had focused her bright blue eyes on me for a full minute, she turned her head, and walked away.

Too bad Bakura was probably still thinking about what I was going to say to him, because he never made a comment at the brunette. Oh boy, did I really screw up so badly? Hmmm, I guess so.

2 streets later Bakura pointed out at a large 4-star hotel. Not too famous, it wouldn't cause suspicion because I would rest a night in it, but definitely not too dirty to sleep -and mourn because Bakura would leave me- in. Yes, leave it to Bakura to search a good hotel.

We entered the hotel, and this time I didn't really need a translation book to ask for a room.

“Excusez moi, je voudrais un chambre pour une nuit, pour deux personne avec un lit à deux personnes, vue au sud, et je voudrais service des chambres, s'il vous plaît.” I said, hoping I didn't make too many mistakes. After all, it had been almost 2 weeks since I had practiced my French. And there I was at Winchester, while my teacher could say I was doing it right or wrong! Here nobody would tell me!

Too bad Bakura didn't ask what I was saying this time. He must hate me, I'm sure!

“Bien sûr, monsieur.” The man answered me, telling me it was okay. I showed him my wallet, indicating I wanted to pay right here and now. This way I could leave in the middle of the night if I wanted to.

“Bon soir, monsieur!” The man said, as he snapped his fingers. Immediately some young boy around my age magically showed up, luckily not as talkative as the one in London. Though he looked pretty fragile, with his big innocent eyes and his short blond hair, he didn't wait one moment before grabbing my heavy backpack, while walking in the direction of my room. I didn't disagree, because I didn't want to be rude.

“Votre chambre, monsieur.” The boy politely said, while I have him a tip. Then both Bakura and me entered the room, which I immediately liked. Though the room in London was extremely luxurious, and the room in Holland was extremely big and cool, this room was tinier, but cozy. A window was indeed facing the south part of Paris, so I could look at the Eiffel Tower from inside my room. Second, the bed was little smaller than the one Bakura and I shared back in Holland, but the fluffy looking pillows and blanket made up for it. Yes, definitely a room I could survive in after Bakura would leave me in absolute disgust.

“So ... we're here.” Bakura started, opening his jacket, pulling it off and carelessly tossing it on a chair that was placed next to the window. I did the same, though my jacket was neatly folded before being placed on the chair. Then I put the backpack next to the chair. Then I walked over to the bed, sat on it, and folded my hands in my lap. No need to show Bakura I was chickening out over here because my hands couldn't quite stop trembling at this very moment!

“Yeah ... we're here.” I finally replied, feeling the tension grow more and more by the minute.

For a full 2 minutes it was completely silent, before suddenly the both of us spoke at exactly the same time.

“Do you want” “Ryou, I”

It was silent again, but then Bakura spoke again, this time without interruption of me.

“Ryou ... you must know that whatever your problem is, I will do EVERYTHING to try and understand it. I want to help you, and I understand it's difficult for you to tell me, but please understand I wanna be there for you when times are difficult ... times like these.” Bakura ended his speech, sitting on the chair, probably to give me some space.

Okay, should I just tell him I love him, or what? Should I begin with `I know we've been friends for a long time' or should I just say `every time I see you I wanna hug you and kiss you and hold you and kiss you again and again and again!'. Gods, this is difficult!

“I-I know that, Bakura ... okay, here goes ...” The last part was said more to myself than to Bakura, but Bakura nodded anyway. I could simply FEEL Bakura's hope bundle up as he thought I would finally tell him my problem. Well, I'd tell him my problem all right! I'd not cower away.

Goodbye, sweet Bakura. May you please be not as disgusted with me as I think you'll be.

“I love you, Bakura.”

For a moment, all there was, was silence. Afterwards, I could hit myself with a stick for being -perhaps- a little bit TOO blunt.

“Well, I love you too, Ryou! Of course you love me, don't need to say that! Best friends always love each other,” Bakura said, clapping his hands together, then standing up and walking over to the bed where I was currently sitting on. He sat down next to me, and gently patted my hair, before continuing talking, “I'm happy you still love me, and that you're not angry with me ... now, what's your problem?”

Oh, fuck it. He didn't understand. DAMN! Here I was, pouring everything I had to say in 4 words, and Bakura simply misunderstood. Ohh, fuck! Now how should I tell him! I was getting even more nervous at the moment, because I now had to formulate my thought in a way Bakura WOULD understand.

Please understand in this state of mine I could not really utter a correct sentence, thus the next thing happened. Please hit me, right here and now:

“Bakura, I- ... that's not it! I mean, that IS it, it's just that you misunderstood, no, I mean that I formulated it wrong, well, not exactly, but in a way, yes! I didn't mean it in the way you think I would mean it, I mean ... you don't understand! I love ... and after Holland ... after sharing that bed in `Rotterdam' I got thinking, well, after the hotel room in `Rotterdam' I got thinking, but anyway, that's not my point! I thought about it, and then in `Antwerpen' you, well, THEN I figured it out, and now,” I stopped my rambling once I figured out I couldn't utter a whole sentence, then dropped my face and continued in a quiet voice, “I think you don't understand it.”

“What did you figure out in `Antwerpen', Ryou?” Bakura suddenly wrapped his arm around me, and hugged me softly. I think I nearly started crying at this point. I was such a loser, why would he ever want to be my friend in the first place?

“I'm gay.” I whispered in disgust.

“I thought so. You're homophobe?”

“NO! ... well, yes actually, I ... no ... NO! I'm not. I'm really ... I don't know.” I concluded, still not daring to look up into Bakura's eyes. Was I homophobe or not? I love Bakura, but I hate myself for that. But seeing Bakura's happy smile when I told him I didn't mind him being gay -which I really didn't mind!- I was happy too. Oh damn, I'm too complicated for words! Am I a homophobe or not!

“I understand why you didn't want to talk about it in the train. You're right, Ryou ... this must have been difficult for you to tell.” Bakura stated, hugging me some more. He didn't stop speaking though.

“I know you grew up with the thought that gays are disgusting. Some people believe gays are disgusting, while others don't mind. You wouldn't stand out by not minding gay people. You CERTAINLY won't stand out being gay. Just go with the flow, and do whatever your heart tells you to do. Don't look at other people if they would sue you, just look at yourself. If you're more comfortable loving males, then so be it! Gay people probably wouldn't mind it one bit if sexy Ryou turned out to be gay in the end!” Well, that last comment was typically Bakura's. Serious, how can he joke about it, and not remember I told him I loved him!

“Serious Ryou, do what your heart tells you.” Bakura repeated again, then reached up to my face to brush a lost tear away. Wait? Have I been crying? Oh damn.

Well, to be honest, I think I have a good vision of what my heart thinks. I really do. I know it would be the most disgusting and sick thing I've ever wanted, but my heart wanted it all right.

“My heart wants to be your boyfriend, Bakura.” I whispered, now clearly feeling fresh tears fall down my cheeks. On the other hand, I could feel Bakura stay silent in utter shock. Yes, of course he was shocked. Ugh, it's not everyday your best friends wants to be more than friends!

“And the rest of me wants to be your boyfriend too.” I continued talking, looking now at the currently blanket I was sitting on. I couldn't face Bakura again, not anymore. He would be disgusted by me, I'm sure about it.

“Oh ... Oh! So that whole `you're my little brother'-thing ... wasn't really smart to say, wasn't it? Hmmm. Well, now I understand why you cried so sadly in the train ... ummm, well, you kind of caught me off guard ...” Bakura stopped his talking, while I still didn't looked up. Well, this time ... I would say something back too!

“I really mean it when I said `I love you' ... I really do. I-I figured it out in `Antwerpen' ...”

“Why do you love me?” Came the sudden question, yet I did not really feel surprise anymore. I was doomed to loose him anyway, so better tell him everything.

“You're Bakura ... that's why!” I said, suddenly having the urge to look up at Bakura. So I did. He was staring at me, slightly confused, slightly looking at me if I had grown a second head, slightly curious, yet very blank if you searched for hate or happiness. I guess I really caught him off guard.

“You're really going to sound like I'm the best man in the world in the upcoming speech?” Suddenly a little amused glister appeared in his eyes. I couldn't help but to nod. The glister got bigger, and helped me to say why I loved him. Imagine me sigh. Gods, Bakura can be SO sexy when he looks like that!

“You have a great body, and the sweetest soul I've ever met. You- ... you're body, though it looked like mine, every time you t-touch me ... I go all gooey inside, and get f-fuzzy ...”

“Fuzzy?”

“That's how I described the feeling when I didn't know what it was ... I gained the fuzzy feeling from the moment you first hugged me back at `Winchester' ... I dunno why I called it `fuzzy' ... probably because I didn't know what it was, but i-it made me feel all w-weird inside.”

“So the physical attraction is there, isn't it ... hmmm..” Bakura mused, so I stopped my `speech' for a moment.

“Y-yes ... and I love the person inside too. You ... you have such an incredibly great soul. You're too good for this world ... You always smile when things go bad ... and you always search for a solution when I screw up things again ... you care for me, and I c-care for you too, very much. You're always so positive, hell, you even make me smile! I almost never smiled back at `Winchester', yet you can make me smile at all times ... You ... you give me a reason for not giving up hoping for something better yet. You're ... you are you, and that makes you so perfect ... you dare to open you're mouth, yet you're not extremely rude to people if they are nice to you. You're ... you're perfect in my eyes, Bakura. And I love you, a lot.” I concluded.

“Wow ... Ryou, I'm not THAT perfect..”

“You are in my eyes.” I answered, closed my eyes, because I felt pretty tired right now. I also felt relieved, glad I had finally told Bakura.

“You tired, Ryou?” When Bakura spoke up again, I nodded a little bit.

“Then sleep ... it's already a little bit dark outside.” I nodded again, and lay down.

“Ryou, won't you mind if I sleep in this bed too tonight?” Bakura suddenly asked, which caused me to open my eyes, sit right up and look at Bakura again, this time very confused.

“Sleep here too! You're ... aren't you extremely disgusted right now? Aren't you ... aren't you going to leave now, because I'm a sick person?”

“What the f-? Ryou. You're not disgusting, and definitely not sick ... I think I have to make a few things clear. The whole `Brother'-thing ... I thought I was doing you a favor by saying it ... I don't see you as my little brother, but I thought you'd be happy again if I would tell such a thing.” Now it was my turn to look at him in utter shock. No brother? Oh, that's ... that's WAY much better.

“What? ... Well, I must say, t-that makes me a lot happier ... I mean ummm..” Shit. I was turning quite red now, because Bakura looked at me in his usual intense way. Damn, I just HAD to ruin the moment by reminding him I was in love with him.

“Glad you're happy again ... I guess I'll think twice before saying something like that again,” Bakura said, while eying me curiously. I looked down, avoiding the stare, “Ryou, It was a joke! Laugh already! I'm trying my hardest to cheer you up, yet you keep on being sad and feeling lonely.” Lonely? Yes, OF COURSE I feel lonely! Hell, I was in LOVE with him, yet he didn't seem to notice how important this moment was to me! He was now probably shaking off my statement like it was nothing to him! Well, this WAS important to me, so instead of my usual shy replies, I practically screamed at him.

“If course I feel lonely! I'm in love with you and you don't even love me back!” When I said this Bakura eyed me even more curiously, then closed the gap a little bit between us by moving his body slightly to mine. He kept little distance though.

“Ryou, I DO love you, didn't you hear it earlier?”

“I mean in a very gay-ish and `I-want-to-be-more-than-just-best-friends'-way, Bakura!” I cannot really believe I was the one who actually said this, but I did it all right. I screamed at Bakura, and didn't appreciate that Bakura was willing to stay here. Damn, I'm such a fuck up!

“Ryou ... silly, silly Ryou.” Bakura suddenly moved closer, the gap being gone within seconds. Hey, wait a second ... déjà-vu. If he said I was beautiful again, I would SURELY kiss him this time!

Yet when Bakura's hand moved to my face, and cupped it, I made no motion to kiss him. I was too afraid and shy at the moment. What the hell was Bakura doing THIS time!

When I whimpered softly, Bakura smiled slightly. Then he moved even closer, moved with his head to my ... to my ear? What the hell!

When he was close to my ear with his mouth, he whispered softly. Almost too softly, but somehow I could clearly understand every word what he whispered to me.

“I really meant it when I said I loved you too. You may interpret it in any way you want.” He then tilted his head backward, uncupped my face, and moved away from me, leaving me behind in utter confusion.

“I ... I don't understand it anymore..” I answered, the first thing that came into my mind immediately spoken out loud.

“Well ummm ... I think I just said `I love you' in a very gay-ish and `I-want-to-be-more-than-just-best-friends'-way ... Well, I think I said it.”

“Oh..”

Wait ... Bakura just declared he LOVED me ... and all I could say was `Oh'! GODS, I was PATHETIC!

“Yeah ... stupid, isn't it? I mean, I kind of liked you since the day I met you again in `Winchester' ... but I was unsure of how you felt because you felt so disgusting with the thought men could love each other.”

“I ... sorry I reacted that way ... I understand it better now!” I suddenly piped up, not really knowing if I already said I was sorry for it or not.

“I know. But still, it's strange, isn't it. I mean, we both said we loved each other. But I don't know what to do now. Am I supposed to kiss you, walk on beaches, take you out for dinner, or ... well, what are we supposed to do now?” And you just ask ME, the only one in this world who has never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before!

“I-I don't know ... I never had a g-girlfriend before, Bakura.” I reminded him.

“Yeah ... but I don't know either.”

“I do know couples don't usually walk on beaches ... well, they sure walk on beaches in movies. Though I don't think couples walk on beaches much.”

“Good. Since we're in France now ... we don't have beaches anyway!” Bakura cheekily smiled at me, while I smothered a grin. That I, in times like this, could even laugh! Hello, little help here! What am I supposed to do now!

“That ... that doesn't answers your question, Bakura.”

“I know, but I'm trying to lighten up things here.”

“I think you already succeeded by telling me you liked me too in the way I had meant my statement.”

“Yeah..”

Until this very moment, I could say every silence between us was an uncomfortable silence. Every time one of us hadn't got something to say, the tension almost dripped off between us. Yet now, at this very moment ... now we hadn't got any more things left to say, or perhaps too much things left to say, I felt the great urge to just go to sleep. It has been a long emotional day, and Bakura must feel this way too. I hope, at least.

“Shall we go to sleep then?” I said softly, pointing at the pillows laying a few feet behind us, waiting for us. Bakura nodded, then suddenly looked confused again. Oh boy. What did I do wrong this time?

“Bakura?” I asked him softly, hoping he wasn't suddenly backing away or realizing he didn't love me after all.. which could be pretty true, since why one earth did Bakura LOVED ME BACK!

“You must know this, since I think it's only fair for you to know,” When I nodded, he continued, “You remember when I told you about our `bond'-thing, which explains why I can take over your body, why we can sense few emotions of each other, and why I can hear your thinking. Remember the point I told you I would block your thoughts from mine, so I couldn't hear every thought of you anymore, since you'd feel safer that way?”

“Yes.” What was he pointing at? He didn't ... no, Bakura wouldn't do that!

“I didn't exactly block your thoughts ... I said I did while in truth I didn't because I wanted to know what you thoughts about everything.”

Figures. Bakura DID it after all.

“Oh.”

“But I swear I DID block them when we were in Holland, after you fled to the bathroom ... your thoughts were so private at that moment I just couldn't hear them anymore.. I felt like cheating on you, so I eventually blocked them. I ... I-I just want to say `sorry' for lying to you.” He what?

NO! HE HEARD ME UNTIL HOLLAND! He HEARD every thought I had in London, my nervous thoughts because I -somewhere- DID want to share a bed for the two of us only, my happy thoughts as Bakura was nice to me, my negative thoughts all the time, my ... all my private thoughts! Damn!

“Wha- WHY!” I Practically yelled at him, then recollecting my thoughts -which were FINALLY private again!- and thinking I just yelled at my friend who loved me. Oh damn me!

“S-sorry for yelling ... but why did you lie?”

“You ... you've grown in the few days we've been away. You probably don't see, but I do. You were so closed and naïve, with no more trust in everything around you, I just HAD to know if things made you happy. You.. you didn't show things on the outside, because with everything I said you just gave me back a negative answer. But inside of you, inside of you I could hear your real thoughts. Your thoughts were sarcastic and negative, but you were happy under those layers. I could hear the happiness in your thoughts as I said something nice to you. I guess ... I wanted to hear more of those happy thoughts, so I just didn't block them like I told you.”

“That's understandable, I guess..” I replied softly, still feeling somewhere tensed. This was all happening so fast. One moment I was sitting in the train, crying because Bakura would never love me back, the next moment Bakura states he DOES love me, and then he suddenly goes apologizing because he broke a promise!

“I eventually felt sorry for you, because you believed I couldn't hear your thoughts. So when you fled to the bathroom in Holland and I heard you think you didn't want me to see you cry, I felt like an intruder. You... you decided now to show me you were unhappy, yet I KNEW you were. I blocked your thoughts immediately ... but I still feel bad because I didn't block them in the first place, like I told you.”

“Yeah ... Well, I appreciate that you told me this. But I ... I don't know if I'm happy with the information you've just given me.”

“I understand. Well, shall we go to sleep then. It has been ... quite a day.” Bakura suddenly stood up, and walked over to the chair. He grabbed my backpack, opened it, pulled out various stuff, before finally smiling. He held out my pajamas to me as he walked back to the bed I was still sitting on. I smiled back at him. Yes, it has been quite a day.

“Go change, I'll wait here.” He said, sitting down on the bed himself. I thankfully nodded at him, before grabbing my pj, then standing up to go to the bathroom. Halfway I checked the bed one more time and saw that Bakura was looking at me, smiling. I reassured him by smiling back, then opened the door of the bathroom, before I stepped in.

I quickly undressed, because I wasn't sure what to do next. Were we now boyfriends? BOYfiends? Gods, that sounds so ... cool. It actually sounds cool. Bakura and me are BOYfriends. Heh, heh. Makes me feel all fuzzy again.

When I put my pajamas on, I checked the mirror. Yes, I actually looked quite good for someone like me. My eyes weren't puffy, my cheeks weren't red, my hair wasn't sticky, though I needed a shower tomorrow. Yes, good indeed. Now Bakura actually had something to love a little. Heh, heh. He LOVES me. Gods, how childish can I sound!

Still, it's hard to comprehend that in the past few minutes we both confessed our love to each other. I find it now extremely difficult to act normally again. Of course I wouldn't dare to just jump in his arms, and then run on beaches together. No ... I think that -indeed- sleeping is fine.

When I walked into the bedroom again, Bakura was still sitting at the exact same point as he sat before, yet now he was undressed. This time though he was dressed in his boxers and a shirt. I smiled again. Strange that I tend to smile this much, but right now I didn't really mind. Bakura was still here, still waiting for me, and even loves me back! That's worth some smile of mine.

I slipped under the covers, then looked up at Bakura, who lay down as well. When we both lay down, we weren't hugging or touching like we did in Holland, and neither of us made a move to come closer to the other. Though it wasn't like there was much distance between us, but we weren't touching, which I don't know if I liked or not.

When we both lay under the blanket, and looked up at each other, we suddenly didn't know what to do next. Well, I didn't know what to do next, but when I looked at Bakura, he was confused too. He probably never had a BOYfriend before. Heh, heh. BOYfriend. Stupid word, still makes me feel damn fuzzy.

“Ryou, you DO have to tell me when I go wrong, or go too fast in the future. If you don't want something, or want to do something else, just tell me. You won't be stupid for saying something, and we'll work it out, you'll see.” As much as I wanted to make a sarcastic remark back, I couldn't. I just could NOT say back something bad, or something negative. Bakura was being SO damn sweet to me, I just HAD to say something that make him known that I was feeling happy.

“I'll try.” I simply answered, and I hoped that Bakura caught the underlying tone. The positive tone, to be exactly.

Seeing Bakura's shy smile at me, I guessed he understood me.

“Go sleep, Ryou. We're both tired, and both need to see Paris in the morning.” He closed him eyes, as he spoke. Yet still something wasn't clear to me, so I interrupted his pre-sleep.

“Bakura? I ... Am I supposed to hug and kiss you now?” I asked, feeling my cheeks coloring up badly. Damn cheeks, but I really wanted to know what I was supposed to do next. I wanted Bakura to like me, not to think I could only whine.

“Do whatever you want. I'll say if things go to fast for me.”

“I'd rather wait with kissing and stuff.” I stated softly. This was important, since has kept me awake for the last 20 seconds.

“Like I told you, do whatever you want. I want you to be happy with everything we'll do. Just ... just think positive, and we both will be happy in the end. I'll try and be less intimidating.”

“You're not intimidating, Bakura.”

“I am, only you don't see it. You're such a naive person, so you don't see how mean and scary I can be when I'm angry. That's a reason for me to love you, you know.”

“I uhm ...” And I knew nothing more to say.

“Just sleep, Ryou. I won't go away, so you'll have plenty of time left to think about us.” With that we both closed our eyes, yet I didn't fail to feel a hand softly searching a way to my own hand. When he found it, he grabbed it, and entwined our fingers.

Sweet.