Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Pretty Little Liar ❯ Chapter 8
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
Chapter Eight
There was never a time during my life when I wasn't suffering from something, reaping the penalty from something. Even as a kid, I often times would pass by a mirror and stop, just stop, and look at myself and ask things like 'Why am I here?' 'Why do I have to go through this?' 'Why was I chosen to do this?', things like that. Of course, those things never got answered, and I ignored them for awhile and took my punishment. It had to be because of something I did, some sort of horrible thing I did the reason my life was the dark pit it was.
Was it because of Mom? Was it because she died having me and...I killed her? I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to kill Momma. I wish I was never born, I wish I had never come here, that way she would at least still be alive, be happy with Daddy and Isis and Rishid.
If I wasn't here, there would be no lies, no secrets, no split personality nightmares created in the flesh. Yuugi and his friends wouldn't have had to go through what I put them through. Isis and Rishid would have continued on life as Tomb Guardians, accepting their fate like they were supposed to, not like I. I was selfish, I wanted.
Even as a child, even as my father took me by the arm and led me into his room, explaining that I was to pretend I was a boy, because someone had to go through the ritual, and asking Rishid was out of the question, all of that was pain. He hated Rishid so much, his own adopted son so much, that he would risk breaking tradition, mocking thousands of years of torture for the first born male, ignoring all of that and choosing me at random to be the 'son' to take on the burden.
Only Daddy, Isis, and Rishid knew my secret, yet they never questioned Daddy about it, never asked him why he would break the rules just for the sake of having someone to carry it on to, just because he was obsessed with the Tomb Guardians and what they did.
I would cry, because I was young and the thought of the intiation scared me to death. I would run, crying to Isis and Rishid, begging them to please, please talk Daddy out of it, please tell him not to make me do this.
Isis would get on her knees, holding her hands up in prayer, but she would tell me not to go against father, not to wear dresses or things like that, because I was supposed to be a boy. Rishid would sympathize with me for a moment, before teaching me things like I was his little brother, being rough with me and teaching me to be tough.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe it's because it had been engraved into my brain, but once we got out of that hole in the ground, once we emerged to live like surface dwellers for once, I still stood by that, that I was male, and had to act as such. My scars would be meaningless, everything I had done wouldn't be worth anything. Maybe that's why I did it: Because I didn't want to feel worthless, but a lot of good that did.
I grew, and so did my body, and even though I could lie all day long to myself, my body betrayed me and I grew breasts, grew more curvy, my hips began to take shape, and I would bleed every month, just like every other girl did. Isis helped me though, saw how desperate I was, and she instructed me to wear loose clothes, always wear them so they wouldn't show my curves, always wear a strap around my breasts to make them flat, and always stress my voice to sound more boyish. It worked for awhile, I even fooled myself into thinking I could get away from what I really was, but...I couldn't.
Battle City came and went, everyone believed me to be a boy, they believed the scars on my back, the Pharaoh's memory, but what they didn't know was that given to a female, they were useless, so I was useless.
I was a lie, a big fat lie.
And Mariku made sure that I saw the truth, that there was no running or hiding from what I really was. Running, hiding, and fighting did no good. All they did was prolong the inevitable. The only thing left now was acceptance.
Yuugi accepted me, so I had to learn to accept myself, look up to the world, stand strong, accept what I was, what I had gone through, and live life the way I was meant to. It would be different, a drastic change from what I was always so used to, but things in life are never meant to stay the same. It would be so boring a life if things just stayed the way they were.
And that meant I was not going to go with Mariku to wherever the hell he planned to take me. I would not allow him to trap me forever, taunting me with what I was, with what he was, because even though we were the same, he was the lie, he wasn't me, I was me. I was the only one, the only true Malik, and I had to get rid of him.
I blacked out only for a moment, exhaustion taking me over when he stepped into the elevator with me, holding me close to him with his strong arms, and my head lolled backward over his arms. Blackness took hold of my vision and I could see nothing, but then I was jerked awake just as fast as I had gone limp. I-I couldn't do this. I wouldn't let Mariku do this to me. He was right, I had to accept...I had to accept myself and not lie anymore.
I was Malik, and I was a female, forced to act and think like a male all of my life, but that could change, I could change that. This was my life, not Mariku's, and I had the power to do what I wanted with it.
As soon as I jerked back awake, I took my arm and used all the force in my body I could possibly muster and slammed my fist onto Mariku's jaw. The sudden and unexpected move caught him off guard and he dropped me, grunting in pain and cradling his mouth which dripped a little with blood.
I didn't waste one second. The minute I crashed to the ground, I was back on my feet, not looking behind me as I darted out of the elevator which didn't have time to close. Run, run, run faster, go faster, Malik! I was tearing down the hallway as fast as my legs could carry me, and I could hear the faint anguished sounds from Mariku as he stumbled out of the elevator and followed me.
"MALIK!" he bellowed, words a little slurred from his injured mouth. "You won't get away, Malik! I already told you that I would find you, so don't think you can hide from me BECAUSE I'LL JUST FIND YOU!"
No. No, no, no, no. Get away, get away, get away from me, Mariku! I'm not listening to you anymore and I won't let you control me! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!
I began to hyperventilate when I heard his footsteps close behind me. Too close. No, no! I wasn't going to let him catch me this time! The was the final straw, I was so sick and tired of him doing everything he did and I wasn't going to give in and let me do what he wanted anymore! This was my body, MINE, AND HE COULDN'T HAVE IT!
I rounded a corner, not breaking my speed, just running as fast as I could, never looking behind me. He wasn't going to catch me, I would get away, he wasn't going to catch me. I didn't have a plan for where I was going, I just wanted away.
Fingers tangled themselves into the back of my shirt and FUCK, FUCK, HE WASN'T GOING TO DO THIS! I was slammed into a body, screaming, scratching, thrashing around like a wild animal. His arms came around and slammed into my chest, making it difficult to suck in air.
"Dammit, Malik, stop resisting me! I told you that you couldn't run away, so stop it! You're only making this harder on yourself!"
I was dragged backwards. No! He was taking me back, we were going right back to the elevator, right back to where he wanted to take me in the first place and NO, I couldn't let that happen! I beat against him, screaming, kicking, biting like a wild animal. How in the world could he stand there like nothing was wrong, like nothing I did mattered? I wasn't giving up this time. I was going to fight until I died.
I didn't expect the sudden loss of his arms binding me and I fell forward, whirling around on my knees to see that Yuugi had leaped in the air and now had his small arms encircled around Mariku's waist. Mariku was pushing him away, but Yuugi wasn't letting go. His little arms were attached like glue to Mariku and Mariku was getting frustrated. "G-get off me, you little piss ant, get off me!"
"Malik-chan, run!"
He didn't have to tell me twice. I was already bolting down the hallway, rounding corners and running like my life depended on it which...it probably did. I was going nowhere without a plan, I just wanted away, so when I no longer heard the struggling of the two behind me, when I had run and run and run downstairs, around hallways, passed countless rooms, I picked a door at random and locked myself in, whirling around in the empty dark room and pressing my back against the door, sucking in air. Air, air, I was suffocating, I was going to throw up, I needed air!
Poor Yuugi...thank you, thank you, I'm sorry you have to go through this. You didn't have to do any of this for me. This is my problem to deal with and it never would've happened had I not told you my secret. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was quiet. My shaking and erratic breathing halted and returned to normal when nothing happened for awhile and I stood up, my body demanding rest from such a long and continuous sprint. I peeked around the room I was in, noting everything it had that my room had. White walls, a large window leading outside, a white bed, dressers, a knife--
I gasped aloud, gazing over and over that thing just randomly placed on the dresser. Who would leave a knife here? It wasn't a little pocket knife either, it was large and jagged, looking like it had monstrous teeth, and I finally found my solution, my answer to everything.
Mariku...everything he'd ever said about anything was always right. We were one and the same, connected, light and dark, we couldn't be who we were without each other. We couldn't live without each other.
I stepped across the room and closer to my light at the end of the tunnel, at the thing that would save me. I knew it, this was destiny, this was all meant to happen, it couldn't just be coincidence that I had chosen this room to hide in. I picked it up, admiring the silver blade, the way it glinted in the twilit sun, the way I could see my reflection in it, see my own lavender eyes staring back at me. And I smiled, running my fingers along that blade, along that wonderful cold piece of metal. It was sharp and clean, shiny and beautiful.
I took it and placed it in my right hand, holding it downward and picked up my opposite hand and flipped it over so that the bottom of my wrists were faced upward. I looked down at my tanned flesh, at the tiny blue veins that spiderwebbed through my body. So close to the surface, so easy to cut, it would be so simple, too easy almost. I held the tip of the blade against my skin, against my wrist, and ran the smooth side back and forth, shivering underneath the cold feel of it.
It...it would end this way. This was the only way to get away from everything, this was the only way I could win. It would be selfish, an easy way out, but it would be release and I almost laughed at the thought of how utterly easy this was going to be.
I closed my eyes, biting my lip until the blood came out, and prepared to slice open my wrist.
I should've figured by now. I should know better. I should have learned, but I didn't, and his hands came around me gently, grabbing my wrists in the most tender-like way I'd ever felt them, and I turned to face him.
He didn't speak, only held my wrist, the same hand that was holding the knife, and leaned in to kiss me. His other hand found my cheek and he cupped it, holding me closer, and then his mouth pulled away, a line of spit stretching between our lips and he licked it. "Hikari..." His voice, once yelling and loud, booming and dangerous, and yet, so soft and calm, tender and musical. "Why do you want to get away from me so badly?"
"Because I hate you." Tears fell again, they always did, I was such a crybaby, but I didn't choke on my answer, I said it with truth because I really, really did hate him with every ounce of my being. "I hate what you do, what you say, God, I hate everything about you. Everything."
He gripped my wrist a little tighter, as if silently asking me to drop the knife, but I wouldn't. Dropping the knife would be giving into him, accepting him and giving up my last hope. I wasn't giving up, I was still fighting. "Hikari, you know that you can't get rid of me, you know that. No matter what you do, I'll always be here." Hand caressing my cheek, he pulled me forward once more and stole another kiss, a quicker one, taking the same hand and sliding it down my neck, cupping one of my breasts and squeezing just a little to cause me to wince. "I love you to death, Malik, and I can't let this opportunity slip by. You can't get rid of me, but you're too stubborn to see that. I'll keep doing this for as long as it takes for you to stop and love me, too. I'll be here always, Malik. I'm you." Another kiss, and then another, planted to my nose, my cheeks, my eyes, forehead, and then leaning down to my neck to suck.
My fingers were enclosed so tight around the knife, my nails dug into my flesh. I had to hurry before he overpowered me once more. I had to kill myself fast. Those stupid tears were still falling, blinding me, and he leaned up to look at me when I hiccupped, reaching up with my arm that wasn't gripping the knife to wipe at them. "I-I hate you." Whimpering, because I was weak. Crying, because I was worthless. "I hate you, Mariku, I just hate you and I'll never love you."
He almost looked disappointed and sad, but he was not capable of these emotions. "I know." He pecked my lips. "So, I'll just have to keep loving you enough for the both of us. Lie down."
I shook my head and he gripped my shoulders, trying to force me back down onto the floor, where he would take me again, where he would have his way with my body and destroy it, but I screamed, thrashing my wrist out of his grip and I held the knife above my head, slamming my eyes shut. This was it, I was s-so close! I was going to kill myself!
"Malik!"
The knife plunged down, piercing flesh, splattering blood, tearing, ripping, making a strangely dull noise, but...there was no pain.
I opened my eyes to witness my hand driving the knife as hard as I could into Mariku, and Mariku's pained expression, of his mouth wide open as I dug deeper and deeper until the knife was all the way to the hilt. Blood poured out of him like a waterfall, and I still held onto it, afraid of letting go of the knife, and I purposely twisted it to make him hiss in pain. He collapsed to his knees, and I with him, hand still gripping the knife. The look on his face was so human. He was in pain, he was finally going through what I had gone through my whole life, except now he was the victim, I the predator, and he moaned and writhed in pain as I held that knife into him, the blood pooling out and seeping over my hand. It was so warm, and I felt sick.
He fell to his back and I stumbled over him, getting his blood all over my front. He never said a word, just sat there and let me kill him, but he was smiling. That. Same. Disturbing. Smile.
I don't remember letting go of the knife. I don't remember walking out of the room, stumbling around, babbling, but I do remember Yuugi rushing up to me, gripping my arms, shouting at me, and then I fell to my knees, hugging onto him and wailing at him.
I...I killed him. I killed Mariku. He w-was finally gone. I was...I was free. Everything was finally over. I...I could live again.
I gripped Yuugi tighter and he petted my hair, holding me close to him and letting me bawl into him like a little baby. Yuugi...I love you, I love you so much and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for all of this, for everything I did. Please, thank you for loving me, for giving me this, for freeing me. It's...it's finally over.
The blimp landed. And I never let go of Yuugi.
***
"Are you ready?"
Isis stood behind me as I sat in the chair and stared at myself in front of a full-body mirror. She was towering over behind me, brushing out my hair with a comb. It had gotten so long, it was trailing halfway down my back. It always grew fast, but I had kept it cut somewhat short, but...Isis suggested I grow it out, so I did and...it looked good. I liked it. It was a nice change.
She stepped out from behind me, looking at me up and down. "This is so great what you're doing, Malik. I'm so proud of you."
Heat rushed to my face as I stood out of the chair, still staring at my reflection.
It had been a couple of months since we'd arrived back in Domino and I swore to Yuugi and his friends that the next time they saw me, it would be the real me, not a lie, and so I had grown my hair out, styled it where it curled and waved in the right places, and changed my wardrobe. (Okay, I admit that Isis leant me some of her clothes since I felt so awkward going out and buying them for myself).
I was wearing a dress. My breasts were no longer strapped down, I was wearing a bra so that they were all rounded and supported right, and the dress showed off my curves and wide hips. This was so different, but it was what I wanted. I wanted to change, to start life anew, and my siblings had helped me so much and today was the day that we were going to meet back up with Yuugi and they were going to see the real me for the first time.
I fiddled with the gold bracelets Isis leant me and gave her a smile. "Yes, Isis. I'm...I'm ready."
She smiled and took my hand, leading me out of the apartment we were renting while staying in Domino for awhile. I wasn't ready to go back to Egypt when we landed, and so Rishid suggested we all just stay here in Japan for the time being.
"You look so much happier, Malik." We walked down the carpeted hall and to the elevator, stepping inside and Isis punched the numbers to the first floor. "And the new look really suits you."
I blushed. "It's...it's different. I mean...I've hid everything for so long, so wearing this stuff makes me feel weird."
She smiled and gave me a small hug. "I'm sorry, but really, you look good."
"Thanks, sis. I wouldn't have been able to coordinate anything right without your help."
The elevator dinged and we stepped out, Isis laughing. "Yes, yes, I am good, aren't I?"
"Don't get a swelled head, sis."
Rishid was waiting for us outside the apartment and smiled when we came into view. He jumped a little when he saw me, trailing his eyes over me. "Wow. You clean up really good, Malik-sama."
My cheeks gushed red again and I looked at my feet that were currently strapped into golden sandals, showing off the nail polish Isis had painted my toes with. I never realized being a girl took so much time and effort, but it was still nice. Putting on these clothes, growing out my hair, wearing makeup and nail polish and going through all the works was a breath of fresh air. I could...I could be me.
The three of us wandered down the sidewalk, chatting, telling stories, doing whatever, until we stopped in front of a restaurant, the noticeable spiky hair of Yuugi coming into view. I gulped. This was it.
"Malik-chan, hi!" Jonouchi was with him and they both rushed over to us, Jonouchi actually leaping back when he laid eyes on me, Yuugi leaping at me as usual and wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Oh my God." Jonouchi's mouth hung open and I felt heat radiate from my face once more. I was prepared for this type of reaction, but it still made me blush. "Malik, you're...uh...you look good."
I laughed a little. "Th-thank you."
Yuugi finally released me and stared up at my face, taking in my new appearance. "I agree with Jonouchi-kun, Malik-chan. This look definitely suits you better."
I wrung my hands, nodding. "Thank you both, really."
Jonouchi elbowed Yuugi, smirking and pointed at me. "Who knew Malik was so shy? Look at her, she's gushing!"
I stared at my toes, feeling like my face couldn't get anymore hotter. Despite this, I was so happy, so unbelievably happy that I got to do this, that I got to live this way. I finally made a good decision, I was finally showing my true self and...it felt good.
I jumped a little when Jonouchi sidled up to me, taking a piece of my long hair in his hands and playing with it. "Wow. Your hair grew so fast. I always thought it was pretty, but now it's beautiful."
The five of us waited on the outside of the restaurant for awhile, talking about nonsense and joking around until the rest of Yuugi's friends arrived. They pretty much had the same reactions. A lot of eye-popping and mouth-gaping.
"Looks like everyone's here," Isis said, looking around the group. She walked up the steps to the restaurant. "Shall we go eat now?"
We all nodded, grunting in unison, and followed her up the steps.
I could've sworn I felt someone brush their arm up against me, but when I looked back, there was no one there. I paused, confused as I stood there while Yuugi held the door open for everyone. There...no one had been around me. I was in the back, but there was no one there, and then I heard it, just as clear as day, the voice I hadn't heard since we'd been on the blimp.
'Malik...you can't get rid of me. I'll always be here, because I'm you. I'm you, and you're me. I love you, Hikari, and I'm not going anywhere.'
I froze, turning back to Yuugi who was still standing there, holding the door open for me, and he cocked his head to the side like a little kitten. "Are you okay, Malik-chan?"
I lifted my head up and nodded, smiling at him. "Yup! Sorry, I just spaced out. Shall we?" I took his hand and lead him into the air conditioned building, catching up with the group.
Mariku didn't scare me anymore. He was in the back of my mind, and no matter what he said, I wasn't going to let him control me anymore. I was changing my life, no longer lying to people, no longer being someone I wasn't, and he couldn't hold that against me anymore.
I had beaten him. I had won.
I smiled, gripping Yuugi's little hand tighter.
This...was me.
End
There was never a time during my life when I wasn't suffering from something, reaping the penalty from something. Even as a kid, I often times would pass by a mirror and stop, just stop, and look at myself and ask things like 'Why am I here?' 'Why do I have to go through this?' 'Why was I chosen to do this?', things like that. Of course, those things never got answered, and I ignored them for awhile and took my punishment. It had to be because of something I did, some sort of horrible thing I did the reason my life was the dark pit it was.
Was it because of Mom? Was it because she died having me and...I killed her? I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to kill Momma. I wish I was never born, I wish I had never come here, that way she would at least still be alive, be happy with Daddy and Isis and Rishid.
If I wasn't here, there would be no lies, no secrets, no split personality nightmares created in the flesh. Yuugi and his friends wouldn't have had to go through what I put them through. Isis and Rishid would have continued on life as Tomb Guardians, accepting their fate like they were supposed to, not like I. I was selfish, I wanted.
Even as a child, even as my father took me by the arm and led me into his room, explaining that I was to pretend I was a boy, because someone had to go through the ritual, and asking Rishid was out of the question, all of that was pain. He hated Rishid so much, his own adopted son so much, that he would risk breaking tradition, mocking thousands of years of torture for the first born male, ignoring all of that and choosing me at random to be the 'son' to take on the burden.
Only Daddy, Isis, and Rishid knew my secret, yet they never questioned Daddy about it, never asked him why he would break the rules just for the sake of having someone to carry it on to, just because he was obsessed with the Tomb Guardians and what they did.
I would cry, because I was young and the thought of the intiation scared me to death. I would run, crying to Isis and Rishid, begging them to please, please talk Daddy out of it, please tell him not to make me do this.
Isis would get on her knees, holding her hands up in prayer, but she would tell me not to go against father, not to wear dresses or things like that, because I was supposed to be a boy. Rishid would sympathize with me for a moment, before teaching me things like I was his little brother, being rough with me and teaching me to be tough.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe it's because it had been engraved into my brain, but once we got out of that hole in the ground, once we emerged to live like surface dwellers for once, I still stood by that, that I was male, and had to act as such. My scars would be meaningless, everything I had done wouldn't be worth anything. Maybe that's why I did it: Because I didn't want to feel worthless, but a lot of good that did.
I grew, and so did my body, and even though I could lie all day long to myself, my body betrayed me and I grew breasts, grew more curvy, my hips began to take shape, and I would bleed every month, just like every other girl did. Isis helped me though, saw how desperate I was, and she instructed me to wear loose clothes, always wear them so they wouldn't show my curves, always wear a strap around my breasts to make them flat, and always stress my voice to sound more boyish. It worked for awhile, I even fooled myself into thinking I could get away from what I really was, but...I couldn't.
Battle City came and went, everyone believed me to be a boy, they believed the scars on my back, the Pharaoh's memory, but what they didn't know was that given to a female, they were useless, so I was useless.
I was a lie, a big fat lie.
And Mariku made sure that I saw the truth, that there was no running or hiding from what I really was. Running, hiding, and fighting did no good. All they did was prolong the inevitable. The only thing left now was acceptance.
Yuugi accepted me, so I had to learn to accept myself, look up to the world, stand strong, accept what I was, what I had gone through, and live life the way I was meant to. It would be different, a drastic change from what I was always so used to, but things in life are never meant to stay the same. It would be so boring a life if things just stayed the way they were.
And that meant I was not going to go with Mariku to wherever the hell he planned to take me. I would not allow him to trap me forever, taunting me with what I was, with what he was, because even though we were the same, he was the lie, he wasn't me, I was me. I was the only one, the only true Malik, and I had to get rid of him.
I blacked out only for a moment, exhaustion taking me over when he stepped into the elevator with me, holding me close to him with his strong arms, and my head lolled backward over his arms. Blackness took hold of my vision and I could see nothing, but then I was jerked awake just as fast as I had gone limp. I-I couldn't do this. I wouldn't let Mariku do this to me. He was right, I had to accept...I had to accept myself and not lie anymore.
I was Malik, and I was a female, forced to act and think like a male all of my life, but that could change, I could change that. This was my life, not Mariku's, and I had the power to do what I wanted with it.
As soon as I jerked back awake, I took my arm and used all the force in my body I could possibly muster and slammed my fist onto Mariku's jaw. The sudden and unexpected move caught him off guard and he dropped me, grunting in pain and cradling his mouth which dripped a little with blood.
I didn't waste one second. The minute I crashed to the ground, I was back on my feet, not looking behind me as I darted out of the elevator which didn't have time to close. Run, run, run faster, go faster, Malik! I was tearing down the hallway as fast as my legs could carry me, and I could hear the faint anguished sounds from Mariku as he stumbled out of the elevator and followed me.
"MALIK!" he bellowed, words a little slurred from his injured mouth. "You won't get away, Malik! I already told you that I would find you, so don't think you can hide from me BECAUSE I'LL JUST FIND YOU!"
No. No, no, no, no. Get away, get away, get away from me, Mariku! I'm not listening to you anymore and I won't let you control me! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!
I began to hyperventilate when I heard his footsteps close behind me. Too close. No, no! I wasn't going to let him catch me this time! The was the final straw, I was so sick and tired of him doing everything he did and I wasn't going to give in and let me do what he wanted anymore! This was my body, MINE, AND HE COULDN'T HAVE IT!
I rounded a corner, not breaking my speed, just running as fast as I could, never looking behind me. He wasn't going to catch me, I would get away, he wasn't going to catch me. I didn't have a plan for where I was going, I just wanted away.
Fingers tangled themselves into the back of my shirt and FUCK, FUCK, HE WASN'T GOING TO DO THIS! I was slammed into a body, screaming, scratching, thrashing around like a wild animal. His arms came around and slammed into my chest, making it difficult to suck in air.
"Dammit, Malik, stop resisting me! I told you that you couldn't run away, so stop it! You're only making this harder on yourself!"
I was dragged backwards. No! He was taking me back, we were going right back to the elevator, right back to where he wanted to take me in the first place and NO, I couldn't let that happen! I beat against him, screaming, kicking, biting like a wild animal. How in the world could he stand there like nothing was wrong, like nothing I did mattered? I wasn't giving up this time. I was going to fight until I died.
I didn't expect the sudden loss of his arms binding me and I fell forward, whirling around on my knees to see that Yuugi had leaped in the air and now had his small arms encircled around Mariku's waist. Mariku was pushing him away, but Yuugi wasn't letting go. His little arms were attached like glue to Mariku and Mariku was getting frustrated. "G-get off me, you little piss ant, get off me!"
"Malik-chan, run!"
He didn't have to tell me twice. I was already bolting down the hallway, rounding corners and running like my life depended on it which...it probably did. I was going nowhere without a plan, I just wanted away, so when I no longer heard the struggling of the two behind me, when I had run and run and run downstairs, around hallways, passed countless rooms, I picked a door at random and locked myself in, whirling around in the empty dark room and pressing my back against the door, sucking in air. Air, air, I was suffocating, I was going to throw up, I needed air!
Poor Yuugi...thank you, thank you, I'm sorry you have to go through this. You didn't have to do any of this for me. This is my problem to deal with and it never would've happened had I not told you my secret. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was quiet. My shaking and erratic breathing halted and returned to normal when nothing happened for awhile and I stood up, my body demanding rest from such a long and continuous sprint. I peeked around the room I was in, noting everything it had that my room had. White walls, a large window leading outside, a white bed, dressers, a knife--
I gasped aloud, gazing over and over that thing just randomly placed on the dresser. Who would leave a knife here? It wasn't a little pocket knife either, it was large and jagged, looking like it had monstrous teeth, and I finally found my solution, my answer to everything.
Mariku...everything he'd ever said about anything was always right. We were one and the same, connected, light and dark, we couldn't be who we were without each other. We couldn't live without each other.
I stepped across the room and closer to my light at the end of the tunnel, at the thing that would save me. I knew it, this was destiny, this was all meant to happen, it couldn't just be coincidence that I had chosen this room to hide in. I picked it up, admiring the silver blade, the way it glinted in the twilit sun, the way I could see my reflection in it, see my own lavender eyes staring back at me. And I smiled, running my fingers along that blade, along that wonderful cold piece of metal. It was sharp and clean, shiny and beautiful.
I took it and placed it in my right hand, holding it downward and picked up my opposite hand and flipped it over so that the bottom of my wrists were faced upward. I looked down at my tanned flesh, at the tiny blue veins that spiderwebbed through my body. So close to the surface, so easy to cut, it would be so simple, too easy almost. I held the tip of the blade against my skin, against my wrist, and ran the smooth side back and forth, shivering underneath the cold feel of it.
It...it would end this way. This was the only way to get away from everything, this was the only way I could win. It would be selfish, an easy way out, but it would be release and I almost laughed at the thought of how utterly easy this was going to be.
I closed my eyes, biting my lip until the blood came out, and prepared to slice open my wrist.
I should've figured by now. I should know better. I should have learned, but I didn't, and his hands came around me gently, grabbing my wrists in the most tender-like way I'd ever felt them, and I turned to face him.
He didn't speak, only held my wrist, the same hand that was holding the knife, and leaned in to kiss me. His other hand found my cheek and he cupped it, holding me closer, and then his mouth pulled away, a line of spit stretching between our lips and he licked it. "Hikari..." His voice, once yelling and loud, booming and dangerous, and yet, so soft and calm, tender and musical. "Why do you want to get away from me so badly?"
"Because I hate you." Tears fell again, they always did, I was such a crybaby, but I didn't choke on my answer, I said it with truth because I really, really did hate him with every ounce of my being. "I hate what you do, what you say, God, I hate everything about you. Everything."
He gripped my wrist a little tighter, as if silently asking me to drop the knife, but I wouldn't. Dropping the knife would be giving into him, accepting him and giving up my last hope. I wasn't giving up, I was still fighting. "Hikari, you know that you can't get rid of me, you know that. No matter what you do, I'll always be here." Hand caressing my cheek, he pulled me forward once more and stole another kiss, a quicker one, taking the same hand and sliding it down my neck, cupping one of my breasts and squeezing just a little to cause me to wince. "I love you to death, Malik, and I can't let this opportunity slip by. You can't get rid of me, but you're too stubborn to see that. I'll keep doing this for as long as it takes for you to stop and love me, too. I'll be here always, Malik. I'm you." Another kiss, and then another, planted to my nose, my cheeks, my eyes, forehead, and then leaning down to my neck to suck.
My fingers were enclosed so tight around the knife, my nails dug into my flesh. I had to hurry before he overpowered me once more. I had to kill myself fast. Those stupid tears were still falling, blinding me, and he leaned up to look at me when I hiccupped, reaching up with my arm that wasn't gripping the knife to wipe at them. "I-I hate you." Whimpering, because I was weak. Crying, because I was worthless. "I hate you, Mariku, I just hate you and I'll never love you."
He almost looked disappointed and sad, but he was not capable of these emotions. "I know." He pecked my lips. "So, I'll just have to keep loving you enough for the both of us. Lie down."
I shook my head and he gripped my shoulders, trying to force me back down onto the floor, where he would take me again, where he would have his way with my body and destroy it, but I screamed, thrashing my wrist out of his grip and I held the knife above my head, slamming my eyes shut. This was it, I was s-so close! I was going to kill myself!
"Malik!"
The knife plunged down, piercing flesh, splattering blood, tearing, ripping, making a strangely dull noise, but...there was no pain.
I opened my eyes to witness my hand driving the knife as hard as I could into Mariku, and Mariku's pained expression, of his mouth wide open as I dug deeper and deeper until the knife was all the way to the hilt. Blood poured out of him like a waterfall, and I still held onto it, afraid of letting go of the knife, and I purposely twisted it to make him hiss in pain. He collapsed to his knees, and I with him, hand still gripping the knife. The look on his face was so human. He was in pain, he was finally going through what I had gone through my whole life, except now he was the victim, I the predator, and he moaned and writhed in pain as I held that knife into him, the blood pooling out and seeping over my hand. It was so warm, and I felt sick.
He fell to his back and I stumbled over him, getting his blood all over my front. He never said a word, just sat there and let me kill him, but he was smiling. That. Same. Disturbing. Smile.
I don't remember letting go of the knife. I don't remember walking out of the room, stumbling around, babbling, but I do remember Yuugi rushing up to me, gripping my arms, shouting at me, and then I fell to my knees, hugging onto him and wailing at him.
I...I killed him. I killed Mariku. He w-was finally gone. I was...I was free. Everything was finally over. I...I could live again.
I gripped Yuugi tighter and he petted my hair, holding me close to him and letting me bawl into him like a little baby. Yuugi...I love you, I love you so much and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for all of this, for everything I did. Please, thank you for loving me, for giving me this, for freeing me. It's...it's finally over.
The blimp landed. And I never let go of Yuugi.
***
"Are you ready?"
Isis stood behind me as I sat in the chair and stared at myself in front of a full-body mirror. She was towering over behind me, brushing out my hair with a comb. It had gotten so long, it was trailing halfway down my back. It always grew fast, but I had kept it cut somewhat short, but...Isis suggested I grow it out, so I did and...it looked good. I liked it. It was a nice change.
She stepped out from behind me, looking at me up and down. "This is so great what you're doing, Malik. I'm so proud of you."
Heat rushed to my face as I stood out of the chair, still staring at my reflection.
It had been a couple of months since we'd arrived back in Domino and I swore to Yuugi and his friends that the next time they saw me, it would be the real me, not a lie, and so I had grown my hair out, styled it where it curled and waved in the right places, and changed my wardrobe. (Okay, I admit that Isis leant me some of her clothes since I felt so awkward going out and buying them for myself).
I was wearing a dress. My breasts were no longer strapped down, I was wearing a bra so that they were all rounded and supported right, and the dress showed off my curves and wide hips. This was so different, but it was what I wanted. I wanted to change, to start life anew, and my siblings had helped me so much and today was the day that we were going to meet back up with Yuugi and they were going to see the real me for the first time.
I fiddled with the gold bracelets Isis leant me and gave her a smile. "Yes, Isis. I'm...I'm ready."
She smiled and took my hand, leading me out of the apartment we were renting while staying in Domino for awhile. I wasn't ready to go back to Egypt when we landed, and so Rishid suggested we all just stay here in Japan for the time being.
"You look so much happier, Malik." We walked down the carpeted hall and to the elevator, stepping inside and Isis punched the numbers to the first floor. "And the new look really suits you."
I blushed. "It's...it's different. I mean...I've hid everything for so long, so wearing this stuff makes me feel weird."
She smiled and gave me a small hug. "I'm sorry, but really, you look good."
"Thanks, sis. I wouldn't have been able to coordinate anything right without your help."
The elevator dinged and we stepped out, Isis laughing. "Yes, yes, I am good, aren't I?"
"Don't get a swelled head, sis."
Rishid was waiting for us outside the apartment and smiled when we came into view. He jumped a little when he saw me, trailing his eyes over me. "Wow. You clean up really good, Malik-sama."
My cheeks gushed red again and I looked at my feet that were currently strapped into golden sandals, showing off the nail polish Isis had painted my toes with. I never realized being a girl took so much time and effort, but it was still nice. Putting on these clothes, growing out my hair, wearing makeup and nail polish and going through all the works was a breath of fresh air. I could...I could be me.
The three of us wandered down the sidewalk, chatting, telling stories, doing whatever, until we stopped in front of a restaurant, the noticeable spiky hair of Yuugi coming into view. I gulped. This was it.
"Malik-chan, hi!" Jonouchi was with him and they both rushed over to us, Jonouchi actually leaping back when he laid eyes on me, Yuugi leaping at me as usual and wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Oh my God." Jonouchi's mouth hung open and I felt heat radiate from my face once more. I was prepared for this type of reaction, but it still made me blush. "Malik, you're...uh...you look good."
I laughed a little. "Th-thank you."
Yuugi finally released me and stared up at my face, taking in my new appearance. "I agree with Jonouchi-kun, Malik-chan. This look definitely suits you better."
I wrung my hands, nodding. "Thank you both, really."
Jonouchi elbowed Yuugi, smirking and pointed at me. "Who knew Malik was so shy? Look at her, she's gushing!"
I stared at my toes, feeling like my face couldn't get anymore hotter. Despite this, I was so happy, so unbelievably happy that I got to do this, that I got to live this way. I finally made a good decision, I was finally showing my true self and...it felt good.
I jumped a little when Jonouchi sidled up to me, taking a piece of my long hair in his hands and playing with it. "Wow. Your hair grew so fast. I always thought it was pretty, but now it's beautiful."
The five of us waited on the outside of the restaurant for awhile, talking about nonsense and joking around until the rest of Yuugi's friends arrived. They pretty much had the same reactions. A lot of eye-popping and mouth-gaping.
"Looks like everyone's here," Isis said, looking around the group. She walked up the steps to the restaurant. "Shall we go eat now?"
We all nodded, grunting in unison, and followed her up the steps.
I could've sworn I felt someone brush their arm up against me, but when I looked back, there was no one there. I paused, confused as I stood there while Yuugi held the door open for everyone. There...no one had been around me. I was in the back, but there was no one there, and then I heard it, just as clear as day, the voice I hadn't heard since we'd been on the blimp.
'Malik...you can't get rid of me. I'll always be here, because I'm you. I'm you, and you're me. I love you, Hikari, and I'm not going anywhere.'
I froze, turning back to Yuugi who was still standing there, holding the door open for me, and he cocked his head to the side like a little kitten. "Are you okay, Malik-chan?"
I lifted my head up and nodded, smiling at him. "Yup! Sorry, I just spaced out. Shall we?" I took his hand and lead him into the air conditioned building, catching up with the group.
Mariku didn't scare me anymore. He was in the back of my mind, and no matter what he said, I wasn't going to let him control me anymore. I was changing my life, no longer lying to people, no longer being someone I wasn't, and he couldn't hold that against me anymore.
I had beaten him. I had won.
I smiled, gripping Yuugi's little hand tighter.
This...was me.
End