Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction / InuYasha Fan Fiction / Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Kotatsu Gathering ❯ In With the New ( Chapter 3 )

Standard Disclaimer: Inuyasha and all belong to Rumiko Takahashi; Naruto and all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, and the characters of Full Metal Alchemist belong to Hiromu Arakawa.

 

A/N: Ah yes… sometimes there is no end to fodder for parody. Again, if it's not clear enough, none of this is to be taken seriously. Everything in this piece is all just for the sake of personal amusement.

 

 

~In With the New~

 

 

 

“I'm fine.”

 

Kagome set her spoon down with a little more force than necessary. The jolt sent an uncomfortable twinge up the side of her neck that made her wince, and she reached up to brush the square gauze secured over the afflicted spot. Deciding to ignore the moody boy in front of her, she grumbled out, “Always with the damn mate-marking thing.”

 

Sasuke looked up from his own coffee, gesticulating towards her with his own spoon. “Bitch, please. My fucking mark is canon.”

 

Kagome's look of annoyance shifted to curiosity at finally getting Sasuke to say more than two words, even if they were less than polite. “Canon? Really? Let's see it!”

 

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but reached up to hook his fingers in the collar of his shirt and pulled it aside.

 

Kagome slid around to his side of the table and let out a low whistle. “Nice. He really sunk one into you.”

 

Sasuke scowled and let his shirt fall back into place. “I'm aware of that.” Leaning back, he gestured to the gauze and repeated her demand, “Fair's fair. Let's see yours.”

 

“Nothing special. I get these two or three times a day sometimes.” With a shrug, she peeled up the bandage and showed off the bruised punctures. “It's got accelerator on it now to close up faster. Doing another weeping virgin to wild porn-queen tonight and can't have the neck all fucked up, you know? Ruins the illusion.”

 

A look of mild panic crossed Sasuke's face as the words sunk in. “Wait… `Another' weeping virgin?”

 

Kagome chuckled and patted him on the head. “Oh, you'll see, Uchibi.”

 

The scowl was back immediately. “Uchiha.”

 

“Whatever,” Kagome brushed him off, smiling and waving to Sango and Miroku as they entered the café still in work-gear.

 

Sasuke stared hard at her profile before propping his elbows on the table and letting his forehead drop onto his hands. “I'm not going to like it here, am I?”

 

Kagome turned towards the young ninja again after Sango motioned to the barista and held up a finger to show she'd be over in a minute. She reached over to give his shoulder a companionable squeeze at his absolutely miserable appearance. “Well… no, probably not. We all have to do things we'd really rather not do.”

 

Sasuke's shoulders hunched.

 

“You do get used to in eventually though,” Kagome tried to sound helpful. “It's hard when you first start, but things will sort of settle. At least enough that you can start predicting what you're going to be stuck with, and it starts to just get funny.”

 

“Someone's going to make us have sex together, aren't they? You and me.” Sasuke lifted his head and shot her a pleading look, begging her to deny it. Kagome offered him a slightly pained smile and his head immediately returned to his hands. “Gods, just kill me.”

 

Kagome reached for her coffee and pulled it in front of her, still patting Sasuke comfortingly on the back. “You sure like wallowing in your angst, don't you?”

 

“Shut up! You don't understand!” he snapped back at her.

 

Kagome bit her cheek and silently resisted the urge to swat him upside the head for being so over-dramatic. Figuring the best way to get him past the little self-pity party was going to be distraction, she sat back and started, “I've already had sex with that puffy-haired guy-”

 

Sasuke's head snapped up so quickly his neck popped. “NARUTO?!”

 

Kagome burst out laughing at the alarm on his face and waved her hand quickly. “No, no, no! Always reading porn? He said his name was Kakashi.”

 

The blood drained out of Sasuke's cheeks and he repeated in disbelief, “K-Kakashi?”

 

“Sango slept with him too, and some short red-head with no eyebrows.” Kagome nodded with a helpful smile before tapping one finger thoughtfully to her lip. “Naruto's like my brother's age and… Ugh, nevermind. That doesn't matter and dammit, you've probably just made me jinx myself.”

 

Sasuke looked like he could cry. “Oh gods.”

 

Kagome was about to try a different route to console the boy when Miroku's voice drew her attention. Twisting around, she found the monk a few tables behind them. Down on one knee and clasping a pale, delicate hand with green fingernails in earnest. “Beautiful lady! Would you do me the honor of bearing my child?”

 

Sasuke followed Kagome's stare and both his brows shot up. “What the hell is he doing?”

 

Haku was staring at Miroku with a bit of rueful surprise, offering a faintly apologetic smile and murmuring, “I- ah… I don't think it would be successful. But I'd be willing to try, Houshi-san.”

 

Kagome's expression mirrored Sasuke's at the answer and she shot a sideways look at the ninja watching the scene with a sort of horrified fascination. “I thought Haku is a-”

 

Sango seemed to materialize at Kagome's side, setting down her coffee and clapping a hand over her mouth to stop her from finishing that. “Shh! This is going to be fabulous.”

 

Sasuke glanced from Miroku to Haku and back up to Sango before settling back on the more familiar face of his assigned “sponsor.” He turned back to face the table, closing his eyes and shaking his head before glancing back to see a very pleased monk leading Haku away. His voice was small and disbelieving, “Haku's got another proposal.”

 

Kagome chuckled at the poorly hidden annoyance in Sasuke's voice, ruffling his hair despite his outraged curse at the treatment. When he finally settled on an irritated glare, she saluted him with her coffee. “He's a different kind of pretty, Sasuke, don't feel too bad about it.”

 

“I don't feel bad,” Sasuke denied and arrogantly reached for his own cup.

 

Sango slid into one of the chairs across from them, her eyes sparkling with laughter as she followed Miroku's retreating form across the room. “Oh yeah. I think I might let this one go all the way to the bedroom.”

 

Sasuke tilted his head curiously at her, frowning again when she winked at him. “My brother won't like that.”

 

Sango shrugged, unconcerned at the possibility. “He might let it go after we explain. He likes perverse, sadistic humor, doesn't he?”

 

“He also likes killing people randomly,” Sasuke pointed out sardonically.

 

“Where is your brother anyway?” Kagome glanced around. “Haku told me they were supposed to meet up here.”

 

Sasuke looked more than a little ill and reluctantly gritted out, “He has to stop and have Tsukiyomi-sex with everyone he sees along the way to prove he can. Neji was supposed to walk with him, but Itachi just shoves him up against the wall whenever Neji tries to stop him.”

 

Sango poked Kagome in the arm with her spoon. “Why the interest? Did he work his way up to you?”

 

Kagome swatted her hand away. “I'm curious is all. Itachi seems the sort to be pretty punctual for some reason.”

 

“Because he's an anal-retentive, perverted sociopath?” Sasuke grumbled under his breath.

 

“Kagome likes them like that,” Sango brought one hand to her mouth in a feigned stage-whisper. “You should see her track-record.”

 

Sasuke gaped at the taijiya, swallowing hard and turning to stare hard at the girl sitting beside him. “You… like them like that.”

 

“All that demon sex, you know,” Sango started to say more when Kagome hit her in the forehead with a packet of creamer. “Ouch! That wasn't nice, Kagome.”

 

“We were talking about Miroku dragging Haku away to attempt conception, remember?” Kagome's voice held a note of warning and she drummed her fingers on the table.

 

“Really? I was talking about that dazzling `I fucked a murdering bastard unconscious' smile you were wearing when you came in this morning.” Sango flashed her a cheeky grin and ducked another creamer.

 

“We could talk about Miroku saying Itachi was sexy,” Kagome countered. “After he said just looking at him made his ass hurt.”

 

“That monk is a sick, sick man.” Sasuke shook his head, not wanting to hear anything else about his brother's sexual rampages. He poured another sugar-packet into his coffee. “And if you insist, you can `explain' the situation to him, Sango. I'm not going near him with that.”

 

“He might just rape that monk guy and call it square,” Naruto observed matter-of-factly.

 

Kagome jumped at the new voice piping up from practically on top of her. She turned and looked up at the blond sitting nonchalantly on the table beside her coffee and munching on an apple. “When did you show up?”

 

Naruto shrugged and kicked one foot absently. “I just finished some bullshit scene masturbating to a picture of Iruka-sensei. Didn't take long.”

 

Sasuke nearly dropped his mug, sputtering into his coffee before turning a horrified expression to his teammate. “What?!”

 

“Kinda boring, really.” Naruto stuck out his tongue to illustrate his take on the scenario, then pointed a sticky finger to the pale-faced ninja. “We're up next. You gotta take it from six of me.”

 

“Why six?” Kagome mused to no one in particular.

 

“Even number?” Sango offered.

 

Kagome didn't have a chance to comment on that before Sasuke had stood up and slapped both hands down on the table. “Why is it that whenever I get stuck bottoming for you, it's always for a shitload of you?”

 

Naruto grinned, completely unfazed by the show of temper and offered Sasuke a thumb up. “Cause it takes a lot to satisfy me.”

 

Sasuke reached around Kagome to slap Naruto upside the head.

 

“Ow! Whiny bitch! That's coming out of your ass!” Naruto promised in a loud shout and pointed at him angrily.

 

“Bring it, you substandard excuse for an opponent,” Sasuke shot back.

 

“You're just jealous that I get so many pairings and no one but Orochimaru wants to work with an angst-whore like you!” Naruto turned up his nose. “And the only reason he likes you is because you look so good modeling his collection of women's shoes.”

 

“You're going to die, you pudgy, color-blind slut,” Sasuke practically growled at him.

 

“Any day of the week, peacock-boy!” Naruto challenged.

 

Sango leaned forward and whispered to Kagome, “This is your future, Kagome. Taking it from six temperamental, fat, orange, shouta ukes.”

 

Kagome snorted into her mug and replied dryly, “As long as he uses lube. There isn't enough love in the various known worlds to make that work.”

 

Naruto tossed the apple core over his shoulder and hopped off the table. Folding his arms behind his head, he leaned into Kagome's side and drawled out, “I like cute older women, you know. If we're gonna hook up anyway, you wanna practice now?”

 

Kagome put a hand on his head and pushed him off with a half-smile for the amount of confidence in his voice. “Thanks, but I'm dating an alchemist.”

 

Naruto was instantly scowling suspiciously. “It's not the short, blond one is it?”

 

Kagome opened her mouth, but a devious look flashed in her eyes and she propped her chin in one hand. “Why?”

 

Sango hid her mouth behind her hand, but not before remarking, “You're horrible.”

 

Turning an innocent look on her friend, Kagome ignored the fuming boy to defend herself. “I have no idea what you're talking about! Besides, I was waiting for Ed to come and get me when they finished. We have plans for a casual lunch date.”

 

Naruto folded his arms over his chest, features set in a rather impressive, angry pout at being ignored. “I have a fucking fox demon inside me! Doesn't that count for something?!”

 

Kagome's attention was drawn to the doorway when she saw a flutter of red, holding in a laugh at the perfect timing when Ed's eyes finally landed on her. Raising his arm to wave in case she hadn't seen him, he called out, “Oi! Kagome! Hurry up or we'll be late!”

 

Naruto didn't even acknowledge the yell as he continued his loud ranting, “And I still got all my own arms and legs! Not like that round-cheeked, short-!”

 

Ed's focus immediately snapped darkly to Naruto. “You again?! You little fucking punk, I thought I told you to stay the hell out of my way!”

 

Naruto spun around and raised a fist at the alchemist. “YOUR way?!”

 

“You heard me, you pudgy-faced, eye-searing wannabe!” Ed snarled back.

 

“Fuck you, half-pint!” Naruto jumped up onto the table and made a point of looking down on Ed. “Least I might still hit a growth spurt! Café is public property, you know! You think I'll look out for someone like you then you're damaged!”

 

Ed puffed up furiously and stalked towards the table with murder in his eyes. “Who are you calling a super ultra midget, you-!”

 

Kagome stood up and placed herself between the two quickly to interrupt, “Calm down, Ed. He's only Al's age.”

 

Naruto bristled at that and fumed, “HEY!”

 

Sasuke reached up and grabbed Naruto by the back of the shirt. He pulled backwards sharply until Naruto lost his footing and landed with a loud thud on the floor. “You're embarrassing yourself, idiot.”

 

Ed folded his arms, and leaned to call down at Naruto, “Listen to the chocobo-ass head!”

 

The snap in Sasuke's head was nearly audible the split second before he swung around to hiss at Ed, “What the fuck did you just call me?!”

 

With a devilish grin, Ed turned in profile to Sasuke and struck a decidedly arrogant pose. “Don't get all defensive, Bitchstrap. That hair invites ridicule.”

 

Naruto crawled under the table, popping back up at Kagome's side and tugging her down to share in his amusement. “He insulted Sasuke's hair. And his clothes. This'll be good.”

 

Kagome blinked, arching one eyebrow when Naruto tugged her back just enough to be out of the way when Sasuke launched himself across the table at Ed. Stepping back another step just to be safe, she finally chuckled softly, “You know… I think you and I are going to get along fine. But I should really introduce you to Shippou-chan.”

 

Sango dragged up the Hiraikotsu and braced it in front of them when an explosion sent debris flying across the café. “Well that is certainly going to get everyone's attention.”

 

Kagome stayed behind the massive boomerang as another serious of heavy crashes suggested more was coming their way. She grinned and nodded at Sango. “Dinner says Inuyasha gets here first and makes it worse.”

 

“I'm not making that bet.” Sango wrinkled her nose. “He's always first to show up at a fight. Aside from Yuusuke, that is. And they make it worse for fun.”

 

“True.” Kagome admitted.

 

Naruto tilted his head and frowned at Kagome's face, noting the complete lack of concern for the fight. “Somehow I'm getting the feeling that wasn't your alchemist.”

 

Kagome shook her head and glanced around the edge of the Hiraikotsu. “I'm dating his superior. You might have seen him around. Roy Mustang? He does a lot of scenes with Ed.”

 

“He's the playboy pyromaniac with that constant little smirk,” Sango clarified and slid the boomerang back to the floor when it seemed the explosions had stopped.

 

Naruto tilted his head and thought for a moment before shrugging. “I can live with that. So long as it's not the blond midget or some other fox demon. I'm just as good as them!”

 

Sango winced at the last bit. “Actually-”

 

Kagome shook her head sternly when Naruto looked over at Sango curiously.

 

“What? It's supposed to be a secret?” Sango demanded with amusement shining in her eyes.

 

Naruto's demand for answers was cut off when Sasuke and Ed crashed into the table and sent it skidding into the wall. Sango glared at them, but sighed and crossed her legs with her coffee still in hand. Kagome grabbed the back of Naruto's shirt and pulled him back towards the doors. “This could take a while. C'mon, you can have lunch with us down the street.”

 

Sango grabbed her weapon and stepped back when the wrestling pair went crashing into the chair she had recently been sitting in. The three of them watched Sasuke and Ed grapple amidst loud cursing on the floor, crashing into tables, and scattering the relaxing patrons.

 

“So… think they'll end up having wild sex on the floor?” Sango asked thoughtfully.

 

Naruto made a rude noise in the back of his throat and folded his arms behind his head again. “Course they will. What are you new?”

 

Sango turned a narrow-eyed glare on him instantly. “Watch it, brat. My series was being written into batshit-insane sexual atrocities when your series was five would-be authors in a closet journal.”

 

Kagome separated the two before they could get going, holding up both hands in front of Sango. “Easy, Sango, easy! He hasn't had enough time to catch up on all our old stuff. Don't you remember how floored they were at orientation?”

 

Sango wrinkled her nose in disgust. “How could I forget? Those two old perverts cried.”

 

“Those weren't exactly sad tears, you know,” Naruto remarked flippantly as he glanced around the quickly emptying commons. “Where'd Haku and the monk go?”

 

Kagome glanced around and raked a hand through her hair. “Probably having wild sex on the pool table in the rec-room.”

 

Sango glanced at Kagome in surprise. “You don't think it'll bother him?”

 

Kagome snorted. “Miroku? No.”

 

“Itachi won't like that,” Naruto felt obligated to point out in case one of them cared what happened to the monk.

 

“Sasuke said the same thing.” Kagome's lips twitched at the thought, but turned to Sango and gave her a wide grin with a teasing nudge. “Lucky your monk has such a hard head then.”

 

“He IS disturbingly resilient.” Sango shared in the grin.

 

Naruto stepped back in unison with the two girls as Sasuke and Ed went rolling across the floor in front of them trying to strangle each other.

 

Kagome stared after them and finally lifted a hand to cover her eyes. “Let's get out of here before this gets disturbingly shouta.”

 

Sango bit her lip to restrain her laughter and tried helpfully, “Ed is… well… almost not shouta.”

 

“Very fine line I don't feel like crossing before happy hour,” Kagome muttered and quickly turned her back on the couple, dragging a protesting Naruto behind her by the collar.

 

Sango glanced at Sasuke and Ed once last time before following.

 

“Point taken.”