Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction / InuYasha Fan Fiction / Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Kotatsu Gathering ❯ For the Girls ( Chapter 2 )

Standard Disclaimer: Inuyasha and all belong to Rumiko Takahashi; Yuu Yuu Hakusho characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi; the Gundam Bois belong to Hajime Yatate, Yoshiyuki Tomino, and Koichi Tokita; and Devil May Cry belongs to Shinji Mikami

A/N: In case the feeling was missed the first time around, this is a parody.

~Koohii Tamariba~

"HHAMMMMM!"

"STOP! He did not!" Sango clutched at her stomach, tears sliding down her cheeks as she tried in vain to get herself back under control. "Oh gods, this was Kurama? KURAMA had to say this?"

Kagome grinned in unrepentant amusement. "He had to moan it actually while he was going down on Yuusuke and being penetrated by Hiei. He told me it's been a long time since it was that difficult to sustain an erection after one line."

"Can't imagine why," Sango giggled behind her hand. She shook her head, winding down as she wiped across her face to clear the tear tracks. "You've been busy, is that the best one?"

"It's the best, but definitely not the only one." Kagome rolled her eyes, smiling when the waiter approached and set down their coffees. "I was having a sex scene with Sesshoumaru-"

"Oh good gods, not again." Sango ripped open an Equal packet and shook it out in her coffee. "Isn't that the sixth time this week?"

"Seventh, but anyway we had these lines… Goddamn, Sango, you would have absolutely died!" Kagome shook her head, starting to laugh all over again at the memory. "Sesshoumaru almost walked off the set twice, it was just that bad."

"What happened?" Sango leaned forward eagerly. "What did you guys have to say?"

"It started with just the usual him having to spout off the most ridiculous cotton-candy, rainbows, and lollipops crap about `loving me from afar from the first' and whatnot." Kagome made a face to show her opinion of the youkai's lines.

"Was there the standard issue `pause-apology-wait for the nod of consent and love declaration' moment?" Sango's lips twitched up into s sardonic smile.

"I think there's a rule somewhere that states that's a mandatory element in those scenes." Kagome took a sip of her coffee, reaching for another sugar packet when it proved a little too bitter. "Well that and the magical `solitary tear' at penetration. Solitary tear my ass. I've had to redo the virgin thing in so many stories, they're lucky I even flinch anymore!"

Sango reached over and patted her on the hand consolingly. "That's the role you were cast for, honey. But I definitely don't envy you having to regenerate your hymen a few times a day. Although that might explain why it seems to keep coming back in the wrong place."

"Let's not get into the atrocities of anatomical miscalculation for my hymen thanks. The positions I have to be in alone are enough to make my spine weep without adding that little gem of a physiological nightmare. Not to mention this dream that the damn thing would have lasted so long after some of the falls I've taken." Kagome pouted and made a stabbing motion at Sango with her spoon. "You lucked out, you overactive tomboy. That whole excuse of being a taijiya saved your ass big-time."

Sango shrugged. "Yeah, but they make me a lesbian more than you."

"That's such crap; they make you a lesbian with ME!" Kagome threw a napkin at the older girl's head. "And don't even try to say that you're the only one who has to deal with incest. I know you've noticed I've been sucked into that too."

Sango blanched and shuddered. "Yeah, I caught that one. Miroku said the image was burned into his retinas and he'd be damned if he suffered the nightmares alone. But back to the fun stuff, what did you have to say with Sesshoumaru?"

"Hm? Oh!" Kagome shook her head to banish the memories of more distasteful roles from her mind and wrap back around to the humorous ones. "Granted this time it wasn't so much lines as it was noises. I don't know exactly what we were supposed to be doing, but having to yell `graygh' and `umphfleg' in the throes of passion doesn't set a great mood."

"Graygh?" Sango repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah, I'd rather have to scream out how huge he is. Or beg him to bite me and mate me forever than do the ambiguous grunting." Kagome leaned back and took another sip of coffee. "Hell, it sounds like he's trying to disembowel me with his penis."

"Wouldn't that mental image make it easier for him to stay hard?" Sango reasoned.

"Normally it would, but he has to whisper in my ear over how tight I am and how much he loves me. And I'm making these ungodly sounds and trying my hardest not to laugh." Kagome shook her head, a few giggles sneaking out despite her efforts to keep them in. "That reminds me, how did your latest switchover go? Did you have to have sex with Hiei again?"

Sango flung her hands up in exasperation, nearly blackening a passing waiter's eye in the process. "What IS it with people thinking we'd be perfect together? Hell, it'd probably be more believable if I had a strap-on and was topping his ass!"

"Pulled another mewling one, hm?" Kagome winced in sympathy.

"I have been stabbed and not shed a single fucking tear! I clawed my way out of my own goddamn grave! Explain to me how in all the flaming layers of hell my first sexual experience turns me into a wailing mushpot!" Sango banged her fist on the table for emphasis. "And being on the bottom? Do I look like I'm some helpless little tart to just lie there and take it without giving any back?"

Kagome raised her hands and made a placating motion. "Hey, you're preaching to the choir here, but you know how it goes. We get a kiss, they might tweak a nipple or a lick or something, and suddenly they're thrusting. That's supposed to be all it takes for us to be all fired up and dissolving into girl-goo for them."

"Is a crime, I tell you." Sango finished off her coffee and immediately began looking around for the waiter to refill it. "The guys end up doing more foreplay when they're fucking each other. But as soon as it's our turn, what the hell happens? We're supposed to suddenly push them past the limits of their control? Please!"

"No kidding." Kagome ran a hand through her hair. "I'm good, but I'm not that good. And I've lost count of how many times the guys have backed me into corners after a scene and reiterated they could last longer than the script."

"Inuyasha takes that hard, doesn't he?" Sango's anger dissolved under a thoughtful expression.

"I don't know, I think he's just loudest." Kagome grinned widely. "Sesshoumaru did threaten to behead me if I ever suggested I could blow his control under normal circumstances. And Hiei told me I'd be an idiot to think I could outlast him. Kurama and Miroku both suggested they could take me to dinner and prove they could do it better."

"I swear those two are related." Sango smiled back, sighing happily when a fresh pot of coffee was set up on their table. "Have they been paired off yet?"

Kagome frowned thoughtfully and shook her head. "I don't think so. If they did, it may just be well hidden, and they didn't want us to see. Damn. That would have been blackmail material to last a lifetime, I can taste it!"

"Still annoyed with Miroku over the fun he had with your yodeling orgasm?" She slanted the younger girl a sly look, laughing when Kagome's cheeks predictably turned red.

"That wasn't MY fault! I don't write the material, I just perform it!" Kagome folded her arms over her chest, eyebrow twitching under her irritation. "I don't know how Inuyasha and I ever got through that scene at all. It took forever just for me to be able to say that line without choking on it."

"It was rather bad."

"It sounded like Inuyasha was rolling me down a cliff, not getting me off!" Kagome jabbed her spoon against the bottom of her mug as though digging a knife into the heart of that author. "Miroku wasn't supposed to be anywhere near that set because I knew Inuyasha alone would be bad enough! They still sneak up behind me and yell it at the top of their lungs like the okami from Furuba."

"You're talking about the yodeling thing you had to do?" Keiko's voice had Sango and Kagome glancing around just as the other schoolgirl reached the table with Yukina in tow.

"My infamous scene," Kagome intoned with mocking severity. Lifting her hand to indicate two more cups be brought out for their friends. "Honestly, who's getting off on this crap?"

Yukina tilted her head, a look of confusion crossing her face. "Kagome, why is your hair blue?"

"This?" Kagome reached up and tugged on a chunk of the powder-blue hair. "Hell if I know… I'm supposed to be some sort of dream/ice/song/kitsune-dragon-shadow with a Hot Topic/punk/goth fetish or whatever the hell it is this week."

"Who randomly bursts into song!" Sango managed to get the entire sentence out before doubling over in laughter, dodging the swat Kagome aimed at her head. "Is it Evanessence again? Oh oh! I know! Avril Lavigne!"

"I'll re-sort your list," Kagome threatened. "You'll be a demented yowling neko-flaming-mix-hybrid twist thing just like me for the next month!"

"I thought you were a dragon kitsune?" Yukina looked even more confused.

"Something like that, I lost track a few combinations ago." Kagome shrugged it off, managing to grab Sango's ponytail and hold her still to be properly threatened. "I'll stamp your name on a Sesshoumaru sex-scene written to a Gravitation song and let you try to keep him on set."

"Now that's just cruel, you know that's fucking impossible!" Sango protested, managing to pry Kagome's fingers out of her hair.

"Nah, you just have to know what to threaten retaliation with." Kagome grinned, about to snatch at the taijiya again when the trill of a phone interrupted their fun. Kagome instantly crossed her fingers, fumbling for her phone. "General story, horror, drama, I don't care… just please be something well-written. For the love of all that's holy, something well-written…"

"It's mine!" Keiko chirped out, answering her phone as the other girls sighed in relief. "Moshi-moshi! Oh, Yuusuke! Good to- Yeah, is it important? We're all having coffee out in the courtyard if you just want to stop by. Okay, I'll tell her. I know, I know… love you too."

"What was that about?" Sango held up the coffee pot to Yukina, waiting for the youkai to push her cup forward. "Actually doing some canon together work for a change?"

"No, unfortunately." Keiko winced as she hung up, sliding her phone back into her purse. "Yuusuke actually has a favor to ask Kagome. He's doing a scene with Jin, and he's sure the script is going to either try it dry or-"

"Or something stupid," Kagome finished with a sigh.

"Yeah… so Hiei mentioned that you carry enough with you for a naval regiment, and…" Keiko trailed off suggestively.

"And now he wants to ask for something to take to the scene. Got it. Are you sure that was Hiei? It sounds like something Kurama would say." Kagome was already reaching for her backpack.

"Ah! You guys had that naval fiasco, didn't you?" Sango topped off Kagome's cup after filling Keiko's. "Good thing they didn't have you pierced for that scene."

Kagome looked decidedly ill at the suggestion. "Yeah, that was bad enough all on its own. But to make it worse, Hiei was on set reading this `Devil May Cry' doujinshi that took abdominal fucking to a whole new level of wrong. Even Youko was disturbed."

"Knowing Hiei there was a considerable amount of blood involved." Yukina sighed, and shook her head at her brother's well known habits.

"There was also a rather large sword, and male pregnancy." Kagome carefully stirred a little more sugar into her coffee.

"Poor Dante." Yukina covered her mouth with both hands.

"Yeah, I don't want to imagine that. So let's move on." Keiko hurried to get them away from that topic. "I'd really rather not focus on all the charming possibilities of abdominal fucking."

"Youko was very upset with the whole scene," Kagome snickered in remembrance. "He was raving around how insulting it was to think he wouldn't know he was trying to fuck my stomach, but well…"

"You didn't write it," Keiko and Sango finished in unison.

"Maybe you were supposed to be an alien? Or they might have wanted you to be a youkai again," Yukina offered. "Some breeds have reproductive organs in strange places."

"Can you not say that out loud, Yukina?" Kagome blanched. Glancing around to be certain no one had overheard. "The last thing I need is to end up laying an egg or something. I have to be pregnant enough the human way as it is."

"Hiei and Kurama could tell you about the egg thing, you know." Keiko perked up, giggling as she shared a look with Yukina. "Before we all got our wires crossed, those two were practically canon themselves. But well… they're both men. And the writers like making them have babies."

"Say no more." Kagome held up one hand to stop them from elaborating. "Duo tells me all about it when the Gundam boys stop in for a week or two. He's been pregnant so many times, it's a wonder his skin has any elasticity at all. Or that he stays so trim."

"Didn't he ask us for some of Sesshoumaru's condoms?" Sango frowned, trying to remember the brief encounter with the young men. "After they found out he was hoarding his special stash? Those ones he had that almost knocked out his own paternal mishaps?"

Kagome nodded, propping her elbow up on the table and resting her chin on the back of her hand. "Sesshoumaru had them specially made after that incest and male pregnancy faze he had to go through. I swear to gods, he sneezed and Inuyasha got pregnant."

"KAGOME!" Yuusuke yelled across the courtyard and disrupted their conversation. He came skidding to a stop beside their table with his hand outstretched. "Fuck, sorry `bout the short notice and all, but I'm running late for this bullshit scene and-"

"Don't mention it." Kagome pulled out a small bottle and passed it off. "Trust me. You boys aren't the only ones who know what it feels to try that route with only love to lube the way."

Yuusuke kissed her cheek, stuffing the bottle in his pocket as he rushed off again. "You're a doll, Ka-chan, and I owe you one!"

"You're buying us drinks next time the system crashes then, Urameshi!" Kagome yelled after him, grinning when he waved without looking back. As soon as he was gone, Kagome lifted her hand for the check. "I knew it."

"Knew what?" Yukina's brow rose curiously.

"He smelled like sake and charcoal." Kagome tapped a finger to her nose. "The boys are the ones that stole the kotatsu room."

Sango let out a dismayed yell, "Hey! That sign said they were out of commission while they installed electrical kotatsu! Oh, you just wait until I get another scene with one of those sneaky little bastards! I'll-!"

"Lose the fight in two moves and burst into feminine tears as you're hopelessly dominated by youkai aggression?" Kagome drawled out with her most innocent expression.

"You have until I stand, Kagome, and I highly suggest that you use that time wisely." Sango pressed both her hands flat against the table with slow precision.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Sango!" Kagome bit down on the inside of her cheek under the effort it took to maintain that mild look. "Everyone knows you're just bitchy due to lack of true sexual capitulation to a member of the stronger sex."

Kagome was up and running before her chair had hit the floor.