Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Balance ❯ From a Distance ( Chapter 20 )

Disclaimer: and she was like, "Yeah, YYH is totally mine!"  And you know what I did?  I sued her sorry ass.  So…that's where money comes from, Li-chan. (I have a friend named Li.  Not Li Syaoran.  I'm not that…weird?)

Balance

Chapter Twenty: From a Distance

'So what will you do?' the man in the mirror asked.  'Will you throw your life away?  Will you finally succumb to the fear?  Will you forget it all and waste your time wishing things were the way they should have been?'

I will not, he said, and his voice was a trembling whisper.

The man in the mirror smiled.

He saw it, and he smiled in return.

Yes, he said, you smile for me…

'I do not.'

You care for me…

'What proof do you have of such ridiculous assumptions?'

You lie and say you don't, but I know…

'Now you are delusional.'

I know…and you can't hide…

'You fear me.'

Perhaps.  He let his expression drift into a small smile.  The man in the mirror took a step closer, and at the same time, a step back.  That was the way of this world.

This was the pinnacle of reality.

For every accomplishment, there was a step back.

This was the way in which the world operated.

The man in the mirror, he said.  You are my fears.  My doubts.  All I hate about myself.  So why do you come to me in a mirror?

The man laughed.  'I come to you as I have been born.  Your fears, your doubts, your hatred of yourself…you make yourself ill.  Did you know that?  You can barely stand to look at yourself.  I am born of that sensation.'

I am nothing, he replied simply.

'So you say.  How will you choose to waste your life?  How will you choose to keep those you call your friends from becoming contaminated?'

He smiled.  It was sad, indeed, but also, it was resigned.  He accepted that he was tainted, that he was evil in and of itself.

It was all ringing of forcible defeat, in a way, and it was sorrow.

'Will you accept what you have forced yourself to become?  Or will you throw your soul away?'

I will spend my life watching from a distance.

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"…And so we need some coordinates, or something.  Anything that doesn't look helpful, even.  I mean it, anything."

Botan blinked wearily, nodding once.  Kuwabara's tale, periodically interrupted by Yuusuke as it had been, was quite a winding one and all rather disturbing.  This Miru girl…  Though Botan had never heard of her, it was curious how she had managed to stay so under the radar of Reikai.  She sounded like a threat.

Yuusuke nudged his way in and snatched the compact.  "Any hints?"

The ferry girl shook her head.  "Nothing I can think of.  I can ask Koenma-sama if he's ever heard of Miru, but otherwise, I think I'm a dead end."

Yuusuke nodded as though he were grateful.  "Aa, arigatou."

"Mm, sure…"

Sounding largely defeated, Botan logged out of her end of the conversation, leaving the two friends with a fizzing screen.  The tantei flipped down the compact lid, slipping it in his pocket with a heavy sigh.

They thought relatively the same thing.

'We could go see what Hiei and Kurama are up to…

'Or, we could not.'

An equally dead end as Botan promised to be.

Yuusuke paced around a tree impatiently.  "Wanna go see what Hiei and Kurama are up to?"

Kuwabara smiled crookedly.  It was kind of a funny thing to say.

"We could."

Yuusuke paused in his walk to smile back.

"…Or we could not."

"Right."

The two sighed at the same moment, but neither laughed at the coincidence.  It wasn't really a coincidence, and it wasn't really funny.  It was impatient, and it was biding pointless free time.  As Yuusuke paced, he wondered why he was so bored, and as Kuwabara stared up into the trees, he wondered why they weren't off watching their two youkai friends.

But he knew.  Sort of.

This was a private thing between two best friends, and they had no right to intrude.  Kurama had looked about to break down entirely, and Hiei had looked oddly caring…  Somehow, it all rang of a powerfully repelling aura.

The trees were kind of pretty, the way the light was hitting them like that…

"Maybe Hiei wants our help," Yuusuke voiced.  Kuwabara glanced over out of the corner of his eye.

"Aa," he acknowledged, "and maybe Kurama is praying we won't come back until he's composed himself.  I think we should just leave them alone."

The raven haired man sighed loudly.  "I guess…"

Groping for something, anything to occupy the tense silence threatening to fall between the two, Kuwabara put up his fists and bounced back and forth on his feet.

"Hey, Urameshi, I'll kick your ass if you come anywhere near me."

Yuusuke replied with a casually offhanded wave of the arm.

"Okay, then…"

Kuwabara shook his head bitterly.  "No, no, you're supposed to fight me!  C'mon, Urameshi, let's go, one more time!  For…old time's sake!"

Yuusuke looked back with a sad smile.  "It's not old times anymore, Kuwabara."

The carrot top slowly stopped bouncing, dropping his fists to his sides with a stunned expression.

That was so weird, and so out of character.

But Urameshi was right…

It wasn't old times anymore.

"Okay, Urameshi.  Okay."

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"I'm so tired of running…" Kurama murmured, somehow having managed to nestle himself into Hiei's arms and sitting like a frightened child on the youkai's lap.  "I don't want to do it anymore…"

"Shh," Hiei whispered, petting Kurama's hair.  "It's…okay, kitsune.  You don't have to run anymore."

"No," Kurama replied, "I mean I don't want to do…anything anymore.  I'm so tired, Hiei…"

'You're being selfish, kitsune.  Stop thinking of yourself.  You cannot even think of others without putting yourself first.

'Or so I'd like to say…'

But, really, no one was any different.  Kurama did try to put his friends first; Hiei had seen him do it.  After all, why else would he be hanging on still?  He thought-knew that they needed him, and still, he wanted to leave them, but he hung on.  Because he was trying.  Because…well, Hiei was only guessing now, but it was because Kurama was trying to prove that he was different.  He was not ruled by the kitsune inside of him, and he could be ningen if he really wanted to.

Or so he thought.

But no one was any different.  Kurama's walls would fall soon enough.  He would succumb to his nature and put himself first.  It was everyone's nature, deep inside.  Kitsune, ningen, youkai…inu.  All were equal in that way, and it was the most important way.  All were equal, deep inside.

It was only a matter of time, but Hiei would hold on, too.  Hiei would wait with his friend.  Because…because it meant something.

To one of them.  Hiei wasn't quite sure who.  Maybe both.

"I know, Kurama," he said instead.  "I know.  It's okay to be tired.  Everyone gets tired now and then.  But you have to hold on for them, Kurama.  For all the people who care about you, who want you around, who need your support and your love."

Kurama burrowed his head into Hiei's chest, muffling his words.  "I don't love them…it's all a lie."

"That's not true," the youkai insisted.  "I know you love them, Kurama, even if it doesn't always seem like it, or if you don't think so right now.  You do.  And you need them as much as they need you, maybe even more."

Kurama laughed, or at least, that was what Hiei thought the sound was.  The kitsune still hid his face, in shame, perhaps.  Hiei couldn't tell.

"I'm too old, too tired to need anyone…why don't they all just give up on me yet?  I'm too tired to change.  They shouldn't care about me.  That's absurd."

Hiei glared down at his friend's prone form.  That was crossing the line just a little more than he would allow.  Fisting the hand that had been stroking the soft crimson threads, Hiei tugged Kurama's head up to lock their eyes.

"Nonsense."

Kurama smiled wanly.

"Is it?"

The youkai slit his eyes in a narrow glare, tossing his head in what would have been an arrogant gesture under different circumstances.  Instead, however, he leaned down to press his forehead against Kurama's in a comforting way.  Kurama blinked, and another few tears fell.  Perhaps they were only left over from the first torrent, but Hiei couldn't be certain.

"People love you, Kurama."

"People love Shuuichi…" Kurama whispered, and Hiei had another sense that the Kurama no one really saw was being shown to him.

It all came crashing down.

This was Kurama's true fear.  This was what kept him awake at night, when his past was creeping up on him and tapping his shoulder.  This was what kept him from being perfect, from giving anything his all.  This was…what made Kurama vulnerable.

Kurama was vulnerable, wasn't he?

He was afraid.  Afraid that no one loved him.  Afraid that because no one knew him, no one could love who he really was, and if he chose to tell them…well.  By then it would be too late.

His mask was too perfect, too pretty, too…unreal.  He couldn't break their visions of false reality because he tried to be a good boy, and he tried to say he was ningen, and he tried to keep the kitsune inside him at bay.  But on the inside, where it really mattered…

Kurama was killing himself.

Kurama was…

Dying.

From the inside out…and Hiei?

He could only watch…

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"But…"

Kuwabara turned his head.  He and Yuusuke were lying fairly next to each other, if not side by side, staring up at the sky through the trees.  Tranquility graced the little clearing they had…found (though, Kuwabara reflected, "created" was more like it).  Yuusuke snorted slightly as his friend tried to start up the conversation again.

"But what?  You saw the pair of them.  They're…busy.  The last thing they need is for the two of us to jump in and get in their way."

"I'm just saying, they could need another opinion or something."

Yuusuke rolled over on his side, facing Kuwabara, and sighed.  Things really were different, but sometimes it was hard to remember.  Kuwabara naturally loved helping people, and Kurama and Hiei were no exception.  Apparently, what Yuusuke had thought was his newfound restraint when his help was not wanted had been either nothing more than an illusion, or regressed to the back of his mind in favor of making things "the way they were."

Or, more like "the way we were."

The compact buzzed.  Yuusuke flipped the lid open and yawned as he tried to speak.

"Yo, Yuusuke here.  What's up, Botan?"

Botan huffed for a few minutes about Yuusuke's rudeness, yawning just before she was about to give him such an important message, but he successfully tuned her out until she had finished.  School was useful in the oddest places.

"Well," she said finally, instantly switching to a gossip mode, "Koenma-sama says that Miru has almost entirely avoided Reikai's radar, except for one thing.  When she was a child, she was trying to steal a priceless artifact from Mukuro's palace and she was caught."  Botan made a face.  "She escaped en route to Reikai, but still, we have a little data on her and where she may be setting up shop right now."

"That's perfect!" Kuwabara cried, sitting up and grabbing the compact.  He smiled cheekily to Botan who nodded with a hint of nervousness.

"…Yeah.  Anyway, here are the coordinates…"

Yuusuke committed the paper she showed them to memory, then nodded a quick goodbye and faked that they had some pressing matter to attend to, closing the compact lid.  Botan signed off with a cheery salute, and Yuusuke pretended to gag.  Kuwabara laughed.

Yuusuke smiled.

"You're okay, Kuwabara."

Kuwabara blinked.  Realization dawned on him suddenly, and he smiled back.

"So are you, Urameshi."

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Hiei took a slow breath.  He was playing the role of "best friend"; he needed to do…something…

Anything…

Anything to alleviate Kurama's pain…  He couldn't die, Yuusuke needed him, Kuwabara needed him, the ningen family needed him…

Hell, for that matter-

Hiei needed him.

Oh, wait-Kurama needed to know that.

"Kurama," Hiei said, "you can't go.  Not yet.  We need you, all of us.  We want you around.  We like you."

This was coming out all wrong.  It had sounded so noble and brave in Hiei's head to confess to the kitsune that he was loved and revered, but these were not the words.  No, no, this was all wrong.

"We can't go on without you, Kurama.  We really do care.  Your okaasan no ningen loves you.  Your friends love you.  I love you."

Holy Hell.

Hiei's eyes widened of their own accord.

Oh, no.

Wait.  Maybe Kurama would take it in context.

The pretty redhead lifted his eyes to meet Hiei's.  "You…you do?"

Here…

"Well," Hiei fumbled, "in that context…yes.  I suppose I do."

"But…you do love me?  You aren't…you don't hate me?  Want me to die?  Leave you alone forever?"

Hiei sighed in silent relief, stroking Kurama's hair once more.

"That's what you've been worried over?" Hiei asked softly.  "No, Kurama.  I don't want you to leave.  We all love you.  We…we like you.  And you know what, kitsune?"

Kurama shook his head, looking for all the worlds like a frightened little boy.

"We all know you, too."

Kurama smiled at that; Hiei's attempts to quell his fears had worked, to some extent.  At least he was calmer now.

"Arigatou…" he mumbled, letting his head fall back to Hiei's lap and closing his eyes.  Sleep was claiming him already.

Hiei smiled a little.  Just a small upturned corner of his mouth, but still…

"You're welcome, my friend."

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Reikai: Spirit Realm

-sama: a most respectful name ending; a high superior

Aa: yeah

Arigatou: thank you

Ningen: human

Youkai: demon

Kitsune: fox

Inu: dog

Okaasan: mother

Note: if anyone has seen the Japanese version of "Kuwabara restored?! A power awakened" (I think the English version is called "Kuwabara Restored" or something), you might recognize the line "Or so I'd like to say."  Kuwabara said it to Mitarai right as he was taking him with his other friends back to Yuusuke's apartment.  I was tired when I wrote this chapter, and I thought of that line for some reason, and I like it, and so…you're stuck with it.  Yeah.

Other note: What2callmyself, d'you see where your question is…sort of answered?  Sixth paragraph of the "Hiei and Kurama" passage.  Sorry if it's kind of obscure.  Eheh.

Other, other note: the line "Kitsune, ningen, youkai…inu" is a little private joke.  It's drawing on the common satirical remark that people are like dogs when they behave in a disorganized, mob-like manner.  It's like he groping for metaphors.  Imagine him saying it in a manner as though he's speaking in a rush, but not exactly sure what to say until he says it.  It's funny if you get it right.

One more note: Kurama isn't perfect, not even in school.  I forget just which episode, but in the one where we're shown Kurama at his school, and how he got top marks in his class again, he gets a 498 or so.