Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Balance ❯ Sanctuary ( Chapter 19 )

Disclaimer: I'm too tired to come up with a clever one of these today…

Balance

Chapter Nineteen: Sanctuary

'You are laughing at me.  That is unacceptable.  You cannot laugh at your fears.'

Oh, he chuckled, but if I am to laugh at my fears, they shall disappear, and I will be happy and fulfilled.  Why am I not to laugh at my fears?

'If you laugh at your fears,' the man said, toneless, 'then you laugh at me.  Laugh at me, and I will disappear.  Let me disappear, and you will be alone.  Again.'

ALONE

I have been alone before.

ALL

I am still here.

ALONE

I have survived.

ALWAYS

'But it is not favorable for you to be alone.'

He smiled wanly.  No, I suppose it is not.  But…it is a part of life.  One I must accustom myself to.  One I have lived with for years and years.

'You told me your friends were by your side.'

And they are…

The whiteness seemed to brighten with each passing second, and it flashed as he spoke to the man in the mirror.  He squinted his eyes and tried to turn away.

It surrounded them always.

Why can I not look away…from the nothingness… he mourned, less a real question than a pathetic whine for someone to care.  Why…am I surrounded by this hate?  This despair?  This reminder of how things are?  I don't want any of that!

He stood, pushing himself off the ground and stamping it firmly.  I don't WANT any of that! he shouted.  I want to see the way things SHOULD be, not the way they ARE!

The man in the mirror laughed hollowly.  'Ah, yes…  What should be, and what is…  How parallel, and yet, how completely separate they are.'

He whirled around in a furious torrent, hair lashing about in threaded crimson whips.  What would you know?  You are nothing but a vile creature born of hatred and mistrust, and that is all you will stay!  Forever!  I shall make sure of that!

'Do you deny it?'

I…I…

He paused then, lost for words.  He could not deny it…yet he could not admit to it…  But it was true, all of it…

All of it was real…

He was hiding from life, and that was fair to no one.

How things were was the way they should be.  And at the same time, if things had all gone correctly, he would be living in quite a different tomorrow.

Parallel lines, of course, could be kilometers apart…worlds, even.

He was running, and he was hiding, and he was lying to those who may have found him.  And that was not fair.  That was not allowed.

He was wrong, so wrong, always wrong…

Fear was the only truth…

Fear was…

Sanctuary.

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"Shall we call Reikai, then?" Yuusuke asked hesitantly.  They all sensed the bitter aura of a shell rolling off of Kurama in waves, and were all a bit cautious, for fear of saying something wrong.  Kurama smiled cheerfully.

"We could, I suppose.  It wouldn't hurt, at any rate.  We should probably be keeping them up to date on the things we find.  Yes, let's give them a call."

Hiei tilted his head to the side and grasped Kurama's arm.  Walking a few meters aside, he dragged the kitsune with him and pulled him down to a seated position.  Wisely, Yuusuke and Kuwabara moved a few more meters back.

Hiei spoke in hushed, urgent tones.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kurama smiled again, more happily this time.  Hiei narrowed his eyes further.

"Why, whatever do you mean, Hiei?"

Hiei shook his head sternly, his eyes lightly closed.  "No, Kurama.  You may be able to pull this act on Yuusuke and Kuwabara, but not me.  And not even them, really…it's starting to fade.  What's wrong, Kurama?"

The kitsune's expression wavered a bit, but he regained the mask easily enough and tilted his head in confusion.  He crossed his legs, yoga-style, and Hiei knelt beside him, trying to be comfortable and inviting.

"I don't understand," Kurama answered finally.  Hiei bent over at the waist, looking entirely defeated.  Even the willow tree they leaned against quivered a bit at the pair's equal-if distinct and rather polar opposite-frustration.

"Kurama…"  Hiei struggled to make his voice soft-weak, even, to set Kurama in the dominant and most at-ease position as possible.  Hopefully the redhead would appreciate the effort, or Hiei might never live it down.  It already grated on his conscience and his nerves to submit himself so readily.

Steeling himself for the final leap, Hiei locked his eyes with Kurama and made sure they stayed that way.

"Please tell me, Kurama.  If I'm your best friend, as you tell me so often, then…I…then I'm trying to act like it.  I really am.  Please tell me."

The kitsune's eyes widened and his pupils contracted to half their size.  Hiei looked up at him pitifully, his own blood red eyes begging for just a hint at what was going on.  He even clasped Kurama's hand limply in both of his, still silently pleading.

Kurama groped for words, his mouth opening and closing a few times in silent attempts.  A small spark of hope danced through Hiei's heart as Kurama's shields began to fail.

"I…I…"

None of that hope showed in Hiei's face, though it crossed his mind a few times that maybe it should.

Maybe.

"You see…"

Kurama never, ever opened up like this, preferring to bear the pain himself, siphoning off little scraps of it in his fighting and repressing the rest to be…normal.

Normal?

"I…"

He paused, then; frozen, even, and Hiei tensed a bit as his hope both flourished and began to die, all at the same time.  Kurama held himself steady for a long moment.

Then it came.

He broke down spectacularly, his head pressed into his hands and his shoulders quivering with all the force of an earthquake.  Hiei balked for a moment, then looked over his shoulder to be sure that Yuusuke and Kuwabara were…otherwise occupied.  They weren't, in fact, but Yuusuke saw the look Hiei was giving them and, taking Kuwabara's shoulder, led him back behind the trees.  Hiei nodded gratefully as the pair walked back, and Yuusuke flashed a peace sign to him.

Hesitantly, for he had never quite done this before, Hiei laid his hands on Kurama's back and stroked up and down in an attempt to be comforting.  Kurama didn't respond, but Hiei was encouraged by the fact that he wasn't turned away.  He continued on for a few more minutes before taking a risk and hugging Kurama around the shoulders with one arm.

Gratefully, Kurama leaned into his touch and let the tears bleed.

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Yuusuke leaned back into a tree, watching Kurama and Hiei with slightly widened eyes and a tilted head.  Kuwabara was pacing around, trying to see the scene before them from as many views as possible, all while keeping his distance.

He tiptoed over to Yuusuke and leaned down.

"Urameshi…they're not…together, are they?  'Cause you'd tell me if they were, right?"

Yuusuke snickered, flicking his nose absently.  He shook his head.  "I dunno.  Not that I've heard."

Kuwabara nodded, then suddenly stopped.  "You would tell me if they were, right?"

"Hai, hai."

Kuwabara narrowed his eyes, but Yuusuke only continued nodding absently.

"You're not even listening to me, are you?"

"Eh-?"  Yuusuke snapped out of his reverie and looked over at his friend.  Not all too difficult a feat when Kuwabara was leering right in his face, but it was the thought that counted.

Nodding rapidly, Yuusuke waved his hands in an attempt to placate the carrot top.  "A-aa, sou!"

Kuwabara nodded warily, and the two went back to observing Hiei's and Kurama's respective deviant behaviors.  Neither had ever seen Hiei looking so tender, or Kurama so weak, and it startled and even frightened them.

Kuwabara sat on the ground, leaning against a tree, only to have Yuusuke jerk him up a second later and pull down his ear to reach the shorter man's mouth level.

"Itai-!" Kuwabara yelped, silencing himself as Yuusuke began to speak in a throaty whisper.

"We should either go over and see what's up, or leave.  What do you think, Mr. Sensitive?"

Kuwabara resisted to the urge to roll his eyes, instead bending over to speak to Yuusuke in much the same manner.  "That's spiritual sensitivity, baka, not emotional."  He fell back a step, into a thoughtful stance.  "I don't know.  I'm thinking that maybe we ought to just leave them alone…  Maybe we should leave."

Yuusuke nodded and pulled Kuwabara off with him, dragging his friend by the wrist.

"C'mon, then.  We don't want to intrude on anything that might get a little…personal.  We can contact Botan and see if they have any new leads."

Kuwabara tried to resist.  "Urameshi, they won't have any leads by now, it…hasn't been…

"Oh."

Yuusuke nodded with a sharp smirk, and they walked off together, further into the woods.

"Botan-chan!" Kuwabara yelled as he snatched Yuusuke's compact and flipped it open.  At around the same moment, Botan answered the call by covering her ears and Kuwabara remembered that he was supposed to be "subtle," so as not to disturb Kurama or Hiei.  He clapped a hand over his own mouth, and he and the ferry girl made quite a pair.

"What?" Botan snapped.  Kuwabara waved his free hand in an effort to tell her to keep her voice down.  She blinked.

"Eh, Kuwabara-kun?  Nanda?"

"Well, it's like this…"

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"Kurama," Hiei whispered, totally running on instinct now.  "It's okay.  Let it all out.  Just…don't run."

Kurama nodded through his awkward, sporadic trembling.  His tears didn't cease; they didn't even pause or lessen, but Hiei didn't leave, and Kurama was comforted in ways he wouldn't show.  Couldn't show, maybe.

"I'm so…tired of running…" he whispered as he cried, trying to take control of his voice once again.  "So tired…"

Hiei nodded.  "I know, Kurama…  I know…"

The kitsune breathed a soft whisper.

"No…"

But Hiei ignored it, continuing his calming ministrations to his friend's arms as he continued forward, enveloping him in a full hug.  He felt tears fall to his shoulders as Kurama made no effort to stem the flow.  They sat, still, for long moments, but neither knew or really cared exactly how long.

Wondering what had been meant by the murmur-"No"-Hiei realized that he had been mindlessly stroking Kurama's arm for a long while now, and slowly stopped, leaning back to see his friend's face.

"Am I being a good friend, now, Kurama?" he asked, not sure if playfulness was wise, but willing to find out.  Kurama smiled weakly, fake, as though Hiei were one of his easily fooled peers.

"Yes, Hiei," Kurama whispered, and Hiei was sure that in his fragile state, Kurama was not up to lying about something so important to the little youkai.  "You are being the best friend I could ask for."

Their arms still interlaced, Kurama fell forward onto Hiei, trusting the youkai to catch him, which he did.

Finally, the fall of his tears began to slow, and Kurama looked up at Hiei with puffy red eyes.  Unused to seeing Kurama so prone, Hiei paused for a moment, almost jerking back.

This was not the Kurama that Hiei knew.  This was not the pretty little honor student, the kind young son, the strong fighter who never failed when we needed him most.  This was not the mask they called Shuuichi.  No.

Hiei was overcome by the sensation that he was being shown a Kurama that nobody ever really saw, and he needed to take things carefully and, most of all, he needed to see the Kurama he was being shown.  He needed to really see.  He needed to really look.

So he bit down and really looked.

Hiei saw something that hit him with a force unimaginable.

This was not the pretty little honor student, or the kind young son, or the strong fighter.  This was the thousand years old kitsune, the one who had seen more fights and more deaths and more betrayals and lies than any of them.  This was the kitsune who had lived for more than one thousand years and was still hanging on, because he had friends who needed him, who wanted him around, because they said they liked him and he believed.

And why not?  They really did like him.  He had every reason to believe.

But Kurama was selfish, really, buried under all those lies.  He just…was.  And still, he hung on for his friends, because he knew they wanted and thought they needed him, and he didn't want to give that up.  His life had seen enough betrayal, trickery, lies, to know that things didn't always work out in the end, and not everyone liked you.  Kurama was old, one thousand years old, and harbored a past filled with the bitterness that could only come with age, the bitterness that had seen the things people could do to each other.  And he was tired.

Kurama was their friend.

But Kurama was old.

Kurama was tired.

But Kurama hung on.

Because…

They needed him.

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Kitsune: fox

Hai: yes

Aa: yeah

Sou: right

Itai: i.e., "Ow!"

Baka: idiot, stupid

-chan, -kun: similar name endings ("-chan" being the more feminine variety; "-kun" is only for males); very friendly

Nanda: what is it?

Youkai: demon

Note: Dark Inu Fan, I meant to mark up the last chapter to cite you earlier this week, but kept getting interrupted…  Gomen ne!  Eheh.  Anyway, thank you for your idea about their being led into a trap or being tested by Kurama or someone.  I didn't mean to steal or to diss your idea, really, I didn't, but you saved that chapter from pointless filler.  And I really, really liked the idea as something Yuusuke or someone would think of.  It just seemed a little…cliché for my tastes.  That is, it sounded like a story I could find somewhere else on FFN if I looked hard enough.  And, you know, it's been done once, in the real series, so that kind of cancels it out.

Other note: "…let the tears bleed."  I didn't know if someone wouldn't get this, so…here it is.  No, Kurama is not bleeding.  It's a dramatic metaphor.  When you bleed and when you cry, the liquid falls in similar ways, so saying the tears are "bleeding" is a slightly melodramatic way of saying he's just letting it all go and crying like there's no tomorrow.

Other, other note: please don't kill me for kind of sort of maybe a little ripping off the end of Keaira's glorious "Than Was Then."  I was reading it this weekend, and…well…one thing lead to another, and…yeah.  Eheh.  Oops.

Other, other, other note: was that a cliffhanger?  I don't know…  I read 'em, I don't write 'em.  Unless that is, in which case…oops?  Heheh.  I'll get the next chapter out…eventually.  Thanks for reading.