Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Balance ❯ My Best Interest ( Chapter 18 )

Disclaimer: I have a set of multicolored sticky notes on my desk.  And I don't even like pink.

Balance

Chapter Eighteen: My Best Interest

The man in the mirror smiled forlornly at him.  He pointedly turned his head away, shutting himself off with folded arms.

Do you try to gain my forgiveness? he asked, tone icy.  I would do no such thing in your situation.  Do not dig yourself any deeper than you already have.

The man in the mirror looked away, as well, out into the endless ocean of white.  But oceans have waves, and so it was not an ocean…no.  It was…

Nothing.

'I do not think I can gain your forgiveness,' the man replied.  'I do not think it is in my best interest to try.  I think that you will forgive me once you are ready to forgive yourself.'

The events will coincide, then? he asked, still hiding a hint of curiosity.

'Maybe.  Maybe not.'  The man laughed hollowly.  'I couldn't tell you.  You know more about yourself than I do.  More than I could ever hope to know.'

You said…you had nothing to learn from my words.

'And I do not.'  The man turned back to him, expressionless.  'There is nothing I could learn from you.  All you are willing to tell me, I already know.'

But how?

The man stood on nothingness, walking a few paced forward.  He sighed tiredly.  This was all so complicated, so needlessly…  All of it was made of endless hopes and dreams which would never be attained, and groundless fears and hesitations that would never be fulfilled…

The man, too, folded his arms, closing his eyes.   His cloak should have spun around his calves as he moved, but it did not, for there was no motion but what they controlled, and no one controlled the spinning of a cloak.

'I am a part of you.  You know that.'

He smiled weakly, turning around to face the man's back.  I think, he said in a whisper, that in some ways, I do.

'I am what you fear.'

But I fear many things, he said, confused.  You are only one man.  How can you be all I dread?

The man laughed with the tone of someone who knows a secret that an ignorant listener is about to find out.  It was not a bitter or coldhearted thing, but…calming, almost.

'I am all you fear about yourself.  This is why I do not know everything.  I know only what you will allow your fear to see.  What you will allow to be made known to the most secret and hidden part of you.'

He laughed.  It was all sort of funny, in a warped, twisted way.  Yes, it was all very funny…

Very funny…

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Hiei and Kurama walked in perfect step with each other, Yuusuke struggling to keep up and being subtly pushed aside time and time again.  Finally he relented, falling back to pace with Kuwabara.  The latter two talked in hushed tones, speculating as to their two friends and just what was going on.

"Maybe they're hiding their pasts from us," Kuwabara mused.  Yuusuke slapped the carrot top upside the head.

"Of course they are, yaro," he groused.  "Like we knew their pasts before this whole mess started."

"Oh, yeah."

"No…" Yuusuke continued, raising his hand thoughtfully to his chin.  "I think…something is going on with Kurama.  And Hiei…"

"Doesn't know what," Kuwabara finished, catching on.  "And he's trying to-"

"-Figure it out," Yuusuke interrupted.  "Yeah.  That's it, I bet."

The group of four walked through the massive forest, creating their own path in some places and following ones they stumbled onto in others.  Kurama and Hiei cut what paths needed to be, Yuusuke and Kuwabara keeping up by following the path of destruction.  No one really knew where they were going; just that it was important to keep moving.  Sometimes in circles, more often in lines.  Jagged lines, not really leading anywhere.

Yuusuke looked around dismally.

"Hey," he muttered, raising his hand to shield his eyes, "what's that?"  He pointed off into the distance, and Kuwabara mimicked his pose, staring off in the same direction.

"On that tree?"

"Yeah…"

"Oi!" Kuwabara called, "Kurama!  Hiei!  Come back here a second!"

The kitsune and his partner turned, speaking to each other quickly, and then walked back to meet their companions.

"What is it?" Kurama asked.  Neither Yuusuke nor Kuwabara missed the flicker of a look that passed from Hiei to his redheaded friend.  It was not returned.

Yuusuke pointed again, slightly more exaggeratedly than need be.  "On that tree over there," he said.  "There's some sort of marking.  I can't see what it is, and I thought that since you're youkai and all, you could see it and you would…be able to tell me…what it is."  He faltered for a moment.  "Eeto…aa."

Kurama glanced off, squinting just slightly.  He smirked and shook his head, tossing a hand through his hair for no real reason at all.  "No, Yuusuke, Kuwabara," he said, falsely cheerful, "I'm afraid I can't tell just what it is.  Hiei?"

The youkai no hi was gone and back in a second flat, grinning cheekily up at them all with a spectacular air of arrogance.  His expression grew solemn instantly, though, as soon as the point had been made.

"An eye," he said seriously.  "Carved into the willow's bark."

Kurama didn't flinch or even turn from where he was looking off into the distance, at the tree, but his lips formed the word, "Miru…"

Kuwabara tilted his head at Kurama's reaction.  "Is it a clue, do you think?  As to their whereabouts, or something?"

Hiei looked up at Kurama patiently, waiting and hiding his eagerness to hear the reaction.  Anything Kurama contributed to the discussion of Kurokyoui and his merry band of misfits would be most enlightening at this point.

"Maybe," the kitsune replied distantly.  "It does signify that Miru either has taken some control from Kurokyoui, or she wants it but hasn't taken it yet-either because she won't for some reason, or she can't."

Yuusuke mimicked Kuwabara's pose.  "How d'you know that, just from an eye on a tree?"

Kurama smiled again.  His voice was deep and forlorn, somehow more Youko than Shuuichi.  "Trust me, Yuusuke."

Somehow, no one really felt that was much of an explanation at all.

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Yuusuke and Kuwabara spoke in hushed tones as the four men moved further into the woods.  Keeping his hand over his mouth, Yuusuke knew it really wouldn't make a difference-after all, Hiei and Kurama could hear the conversation if they really tried-but continued to try and hide his voice anyway.  Kuwabara did much the same thing.

"What do you think is up with Kurama?" the raven haired tantei asked.  Kuwabara shrugged.

"I think his…his history with Kurokyoui is getting to him more than he's telling us.  More than he's letting on."

Yuusuke nodded thoughtfully.  He leaned back into his folded hands as they walked, resting them behind his head and staring up contemplatively at the trees.

Inspiration struck, oddly enough.

"Maybe it's like that situation with Genkai, remember?  When she got Kaito and Yana and Kido to attack me, to lure us all into that creepy house.  Remember that?"

Kuwabara thought for a moment, then nodded.  "Yeah, yeah!  I remember that!  But…"  He paused for a moment.  "How could this be like that?"

Yuusuke shrugged.  "Dunno.  But maybe…I don't know, maybe Kurama or Hiei is leading us into a special mission to test us.  Or something like that, you know?"

Kuwabara nodded confidently.  "Yeah…I remember.  Maybe that's it…except…"

Yuusuke waited patiently for a moment, but then, put off by his friend's lengthy pause, prompted him with a calm, "Well…?"

"Something about that doesn't sit right with me," he said slowly.  "Kurama is far too upset to be orchestrating this whole situation."

"But," Yuusuke reminded him, "he's a really great actor.  They both are."

Kuwabara shook his head.  "Kurama's moods are fluctuating too much and too rapidly.  It's too weird.  And Hiei…well, somehow I just get the sense that Hiei would never do something like this to Kurama, no matter what the circumstances."

Yuusuke nodded slowly.  As much as he hated to admit that their one possible lead was crap, what Kuwabara said made sense.  Kurama was the manipulative type, that was for sure, but even he had his limitations.  Hiei…well, Hiei.  He was quite fond of Kurama, that much went without saying, and he might use the kitsune on occasion-he was a youkai, after all-but this was pushing it a little too much.

Ahead of them, Kurama and Hiei stopped beside a seemingly random tree, resting casually.  Yuusuke smiled, taking the fleeting opportunity to run over and ask Kurama whatever he could to understand what information had been passed around their group so far.  Kuwabara was hot on his heels.

Someone would find out what was going on, and everything would be okay again.

Yes, everything would be okay.

Someday.

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"So…there's a shift in the balance of power," Yuusuke asked for at least the fifth time.

"Yes, Yuusuke, I've told you that's the situation."  Kurama smiled, exasperated as he was.  Hiei shook his head.

"But it might not have occurred yet."

"Correct."

"But if it hasn't, it will."

"Yes."

"And you know all this from an eye on a tree."

"I do."

Yuusuke nodded vigorously, his eyes closed arrogantly and his entire posture exhibiting that standard, "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm damn good at pretending I do" expression.  Kurama nodded vaguely.

Kuwabara tapped Yuusuke's shoulder and whispered into his ear, something to the effect of "Clue me in, then."  Yuusuke continued nodding, and Hiei rolled his eyes, stepping forward and effectively separating them again into pairs.

"Any clue where Miru and Kurokyoui have gone?" the little youkai asked in a hushed tone.  Kurama looked down at him, his expression holding just a touch of disdain.

"None."

Hiei recoiled just a fraction at his friend's icy demeanor.  Kurama didn't seem to notice, or, if he did, he didn't seem to care.  This was just a bit off putting, but Hiei shrugged it off, pretending not to notice.

This was quite a relationship they were trying to carry on, he thought.  Both pretending to be something they weren't, all for the sake of saving the other's modesty and dignity.  And why?  What would they do that for?  Because they cared?

Ha.  Not likely.

Because they didn't care.

But that couldn't be right…for if they didn't care, they would ask.  They would speak.  They would not carry on this freakish bastardization of a friendship.

No, it was because of something else.  It was because they were out for themselves, and having an uncomfortable partner who just wished you wouldn't have asked would do no good.

They each wanted to say things they couldn't bring themselves to, and some of the things they said, they regretted.  But there was no taking back of words.  That was simply not allowed.

Yes.

They were all the same.

Who really cared anymore?

They were all the same.

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Yaro: bastard
Kitsune: fox
Youkai: demon
Eeto: errr…
Aa: yeah
Hi: fire (youkai no hi: fire demon)

Note: thanks to JoIsBishMyoga for this little scrap of information.  Willowbark tisane (essentially, willowbark boiled in water; that is, liquid) has basically the same effect as aspirin.  It was also the first type of tree I could think of, but it makes for a bit of irony, don't you think?  No?  Well…that's nice.