Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Buying into Insanity ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter 4 (aka “The cross-dressing lawn gnome”) --- A/N: I hope you're prepared for a longer one! ~IR

 

Iris spent her morning the next day the way she believed all ningens should spend it; sleeping in. However, around noon, she was awakened by a now all-too familiar ZAP sound, originating from somewhere in her own bedroom. She sat up sleepily, looking around the large, light blue-green room, until her startlingly sapphire eyes fell upon her clothes closet. Oh no! Iris thought, the linen closet's revolt is spreading! I must respond swiftly and decisively. With this in her mind, she reached under her bed and withdrew a long spear with ivy snaking its way around it. She threw back her covers and leaped out of bed and approached the closed closet door.

 

“CLOSET DOOR! I REALIZE YOU'VE DECIDED TO ALIGN YOURSELF WITH MY LINEN CLOSET IN THE BATTLE AGAINST…WHATEVER YOU'RE AGAINST, BUT I'M GOING TO ATTEMPT TO OPEN BOTH YOU AND THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION FOR PEACE AND SO I CAN GET MY CLOTHES!” She yelled, her hand hovering over the gold knob with the spear at the ready in her other hand. Finally gathering up all her confidence, she threw open the door, letting out her battle cry. “CCCCCHHHHHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRIIIIIOOOOOSSSSS!”

 

When she ran into the belly of the closet, she noticed that there were two things going on:

there was a man with orange hair dressed in her favorite yellow dress and wearing her silver heels and,

 

There was a large pile of clothing in the corner that was wriggling and moaning.

 

 

Iris wasn't quite sure what to make of the enchanted pile of clothing, but she sure knew what to do about the man-thing. She pulled her ivy spear in front of herself and leveled her gaze at her prey. “Get out of my clothes, you oversized, cross-dressing lawn gnome!” She pointed the spear at the gnome and after a moment of concentrated hesitation, began to hit the gnome over the head and poke him in the stomach with her ivy coated weapon. “Take this and return to the grassy vigil from whence you came! Stop inciting closet revolts and leave this dimension to its natural order!”

 

“OUCH! OUCH! HEY! STOP HITTING ME! I'M NOT A LAWN GNOME! KURAMA! HELP!!!!!” Kuwabara screamed, trying to avoid being clubbed and/or poked to death. As they both watched, the clothes pile morphed into an upright clothes pile monster and began to twitch and wiggle about, shedding some of its clothes in the process.

 

Iris turned to the lawn gnome and bopped him extra hard on the head. “Don't anger the clothes monster! I do NOT want to incite the anger of a clothes monster! I have too many beautiful ningen outfits to be ruined by the clothes monster's angry vengeance!” She threw herself onto the clothes monster, letting out her battle cry again. “I cannot allow you to destroy my ningen joys!” She began clawing at the monster, tossing clothes over her head and all around her. In a few moments, she realized that she recognized the light scent of her favorite redheaded visitor. She paused, one hand wrapped around his neck, the other snaked around a silk skirt. “Kurama?”

 

Kurama peeked open one of his emerald eyes to look at the elf that was sitting on his stomach. “Iris? I thought that voice sounded familiar.” He looked around, his gaze settling on the terrified image of Kuwabara, who was nursing the top of his head and his stomach. “What's going on?”

 

Kuwabara spoke before Iris could form a few coherent words. “THAT BEAUTIFUL, CRAZY GIRL ATTACKED ME AND CALLED ME A LAWN GNOME! AND WHERE THE HECK ARE WE? AND WHY THE HECK AM I IN A DRESS AND HEELS?!?!”

 

“My favorite dress and heels, you mean!” she paused, and then spoke again. “And you're not supposed to call me beautiful! That's his job!” and she pointed to Kurama.

 

This quieted Kuwabara for a moment. “Kurama? You know this girl?” he smirked knowingly at him. “Is this your girlfriend? You fox! I knew you had it in you!”

 

Kurama's face turned as red as a tomato as he looked between his friend and the elf. “Kuwabara, this is Iris. This place is her home; there is a strange glitch in the portal that always seems to lead us here. Iris, this is Kazuma Kuwabara, a friend of mine.”

 

Kuwabara fell to his knees in front of Iris. “Miss Iris, new love of my life! Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

 

Iris stared blankly at the lawn gnome-turned-ningen male. After a few moments, she looked at Kurama questioningly. “Is he--- attempting to mate me? Why does he not present carrots and floral vegetation before me?”

 

Kurama stared at her blankly, and then turned to Kuwabara. “Did you bring carrots and flowers to place before her?” When the boy shook his head, Kurama continued. “Then you cannot marry her. It's her custom.”

 

Kuwabara blinked for a second, and then turned back to Iris. “Then I shall return with carrots and flowers to place at your feet. I will not rest until the warrior of love has his bride!!!”

 

Iris backed away from Kuwabara until she was backed up against Kurama. She turned her head towards him and whispered in his ear. “Please tell me that he is joking with me.”

 

Kurama whispered back, “I'm afraid he may not be.”

 

Iris' eyes glittered. “Then I must show him why I am not married.” She took a step forward and fluttered her eyes at Kuwabara. “Mister Kuwabara, I might be able to overlook the neglect of my customs, if you could indulge another custom in exchange.”

Kuwabara leaped forward, clutching fervently onto one of her hands. “Anything you wish, my beautiful princess.”

 

“You must defeat dear Kurama in combat and win before I can be your bride. You must prove that you are strong enough to be my husband.”

 

Kurama gasped as Kuwabara stuck out his chin. “I'll do it! And I will win for you, my love!” He grabbed Kurama and yanked him out of the closet. “We will battle here!”

 

As Iris watched, Kuwabara produced a glittering orange spirit sword and put it towards Kurama. As minutes passed, Kurama seemed to be making the decision as to whether or not to enter the battle. He came to a decision and snapped his rose whip out of his hair and willed the tip of the whip to become hard and bark-like. At the last moment, the stiff end hit Kuwabara square in the head, knocking him unconscious.

 

After a few splashes of ice-cold water, Kuwabara came back into consciousness. As he awoke, he looked at Kurama. “Did I win? Is she my bride?”

 

Kurama smiled ruefully and shook his head. “I'm sorry, Kuwabara. You were honorably defeated in battle and Iris has forbidden a rematch.”

 

Kuwabara hung his head and sighed. “Well, I still have Yukina.”

 

Kurama smiled. “Yes, you do, Kuwabara. You still have Yukina.” He looked around, spying Iris hiding her spear beneath her bed again. Once she had finished, Kurama motioned for her to come over. “We must be going, Iris. Kuwabara must find his other bride-to-be and pledge his undying love for her again. Again, it has been a truly intriguing experience to be in your presence.”

 

Iris pouted, but nodded her head. “I understand. Moving on with your life is important business. I wish you all the best Mr. Kuwabara. May I assume that you will be returning again, Kurama?” Once Kurama nodded, Iris led the way out of her bedroom and out of her home.

 

Before the door closed, Kurama turned to Iris, “May I return after I've gotten things sorted out?” Iris nodded vehemently and waved as Kurama and Kuwabara walked down the path and onto the sidewalk.

 

 

(all right guys, this is wwaayy longer than I usually let a chapter go, so this one is gonna end here and be a two-part-er. Are you on the edge of your seats yet? Is the insanity too much for you to bear? Review and let me know!)

 

A/N: I would like to thank my faithful reviewers for constantly giving me the oomph to update this story. (I wish I could say the same for the other stories…which have been mentally blocked off to me) Thanks as always and remember….I obviously don't own this anime (can you imagine what it would be like if I did? Hehe….kinda like this, I guess!) I swear I'm not as crazy as I sound….just don't ask my friends. Or parents. Or my boyfriend. Just take my word for it, okay? ~IR