Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Episode One ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode One
Story: Just a Favor
Author: Dil *GLOMP* Thank you!
MSTer: Chrissy Sky
Rating: The fic was probably PG-13. Knowing my foul mouth (and mind) I’ve made it R.

Moving onto bigger and better things… *grins hugely at Kurama* I’ve decided to continue msting, but the Satellite of the Mentally Insane is closed. As far as I know anyway. So as not to confuse anyone, actions are in these [waves] and emphasis are in *these.* If you get confused anyway, blame it on my strange sense of humor.

Warnings: YAOI. (Don’t like it, don’t read.) My strange sense of humor. (There’s a difference?)

*

Botan peaked through the window, strands of her sky blue hair falling into her eyes as she leaned over on her oar. She brushed them out of the way, only to have them fall back to their original position. Looking through the window the only signs of life in the room was the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of the blanket life form which had a mass of red hair at the top. *He can’t ignore me all day,* she thought, determined. Again, she banged on the windowpane.

Through the darkness that surrounded his consciousness, the mass of red hair heard a distant patter on glass. But since it was distant he chose to ignore it and sink further back into the darkness. He’d been having such a nice dream too. Just as he was about to sink, so to speak, he heard the patter again, this time slightly louder. The red mass woke but did not stir. Taking enough energy to see if his visitor wasn’t a certain irrational, foul tempered Youkai, (it wasn’t) he pulled the pillow over on top of his head to try to go back to sleep. The red mass had played with his little brother in the park all the previous day and he still felt exhausted. He promised himself never to have children. He loved his little brother, but they wasted too much energy.

“Kurama!” He heard Botan’s cheery voice from far away. “Time to get up!”

“We don’t want any!” he shouted, hugging his bedding. It was so warm and soft; couldn’t she just let him enjoy it?

“Kurama-kun, please? Koenma-sama is expecting you right away.”

“No solicitors!”

“Kurama, you know I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Botan pouted. “Do you really want me to break your window? How would you explain it to Shiori-san?”

“Freak accident,” Kurama said, rising and flinging the window open to glare sleepily at the fairy-like angel of death. “She might believe me.”

Botan smiled. “Don’t show up like that!” She pointed at his bare chest and giggled.

The redhead grinned lecherously. “What? Aren’t you enjoying the show?”

“Oh, you! Hurry up already.” The blue-haired girl giggled some more.

Rubbing his eyes, Kurama made his way to the bathroom adjoining his room, almost tripping over a stray school book. He took his time showering and combing through the expanse of his mane, making Botan wait outside the window. Shiori snuck in to collect “Shuiichi’s” laundry and she had to hide. Shiori could have sworn she saw someone peaking through the window and stuck her head out to take a look. Kurama came out of the bathroom just then, still brushing his damp hair.

“Mother? Is something wrong?”

Well, her head *was* sticking out the window. He thought it was good he asked.

She came back inside, smiling. “No, Shuiichi, just thought I saw something.”

“Like what?”

“A fairy on an oar.”

“I think Yuusuke-kun saw one of those once.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Shiori laughed lightly. “Shuiichi, you must still be tired if you’re teasing me so early.”

“Must be,” he yawned. “I’ll be going out for a while, Mother, but I’ll try to be back before dinner.”

“Alright, dear. Where will you be?”

“Tutoring Yuusuke and Kuwabara.” He could almost hear Hiei’s voice saying, “They need it.”

Shiori smiled brightly. “That’s so nice of you, Shuiichi. Have fun.” She left the room, taking the basket of his clothes with her. The fairy on the oar the human woman had seen poked her head through the open window.

“Ready?” she asked, bubbling. Not literally, but if one was to use their imagination, it would be easy to do so.

The wind whooshed suddenly and a dark cloaked figure appeared, leaning against the wall and frowning up at the fox. “You take too damn long,” Hiei accused.

Kurama tried not to laugh. “You weren’t waiting for me too were you?”

Hiei snorted. “What do you think?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “So are you ready yet or would you like to eat first?”

“If you would please,” Kurama simpered.

“Baka fox.”

*

“What’s this about, Koenma?” Yuusuke Urameshi asked as Botan escorted an equally curious Kurama and Hiei into the room. Kazuma Kuwabara was already there in Koenma’s office. “Who’re the Youkai you want us to beat up?”

The toddler-like godling talked through his pacifier. “Actually, this has nothing to do with beating anyone up, as you call it.”

Kuwabara and Yuusuke exchanged confused glances. “Huh?” they both asked. “We’re not?” Then why had they been called?

“But it’s still a mission of the utmost importance and I’m counting on you as Reikai Tantei.” Koenma rose from his desk and waved the four to follow him. “This way.”

With much apprehension, the four Tantei did follow and were led outside to a smaller, but still rather large building. It looked like a standard movie theatre.

“The Reikai has a cinema?” Yuusuke asked.

“How come there isn’t a movie listing?” Kuwabara asked.

“Because it’s not a real theatre,” Hiei told them. “We don’t have all day, Koenma, start talking.”

Koenma bristled but chose to ignore Hiei’s rude tone. He always sounded like that anyway. It was just the way he was. “My father, Lord Enma, has instructed me to induce you four to rigorous tests of endurance.”

“What kind of tests?” Kurama asked, beautiful eyes squinting as they concentrated on the Junior god.

He seemed almost to shuffle his foot but caught himself in time. “You’ll be in this theatre reading fan-based stories about your lives for the next few weeks.”

Yuusuke blinked. “Fan-based stories?”

“About us?” Kuwabara smiled. “We have fans! Well, of course we do, with I, Kuwabara Kazuma, here to protect the world.”

“Or blow it up, one or the other,” Hiei murmured. The idiot ningen didn’t hear him though. Too bad, he felt like fighting right then.

Kurama’s eyes suddenly got very wide as he seemed to remember something. He, in fact, just did. “Koenma, would this have anything to do with the practice of online MSTing?”

“MSTing?” Kuwabara asked. “Some kind of attack using mist?”

Hiei snorted.

“No,” Kurama said, almost frantic. Hiei was starting to get worried if his best friend was *that* nervous and showing it! “We’re going to be reading bad, possibly painful stories that either misinterpret us or write us out of character or sleeping with each other or sleeping with self insertions or - !”

Koenma cut him off. “Quite right, Kurama. But I’m sure that after all you four have been through you are strong enough to face this challenge.”

“Are you kidding?” Yuusuke smirked. “Sounds like a piece of cake.”

Kurama made a whining noise. “Please don’t make me do this, Inari,” he whispered, eyes skyward.

*Now* Hiei was worried. “Kurama, don’t talk to yourself.”

“Hey, we get popcorn and soda!” Kuwabara enthused, already inside. “Oi, we have to pay for tickets?! But this is a mission!”

“Yeah, Koenma, the least you can do is give us a free pass!” Yuusuke shouted.

Hiei led his strange behaving best friend inside with the idiot ningens. He pulled money out of Kurama’s pocket and handed it to Yuusuke. “Hn.”

Kurama blinked and came out of his pseudo-stupor. “Hiei, don’t steal from me.”

“You’re too slow.”

“I’ll pay you back, Kurama,” Yuusuke promised.

Kurama smiled slightly. “I’ll just put it on your tab then.”

“You keep a tab on me?!”

“You’re not a charity.”

*

[Getting as many snacks as they could carry, except for the fire demon who didn’t want any of the junk food, they walk into a darkly lit room. There were four seats in front of a screen. They sit down on them from left to right, Kuwabara dropping popcorn on the floor: Kuwa, Yuusuke, Hiei, and Kurama.]

Hiei: Kurama, explain what this is again.
Kurama: [slumps in his seat] MSTing is a term derived from the American television show Mystery Science Theatre 3000, where a man and two robots were forced to watch bad science fiction movies. The only way they could survive it was to riff it. It’s a hilarious show, but I don’t want to go through it myself!
Hiei: Stop whining. It can’t possibly be that bad.
Kurama: Oh yeah? Watch.
Yuusuke: Here it comes. It’s a text.
Hiei: Kuwabara had better leave then, he won’t be able to read it anyway.
Kuwa: [growls] Stupid shrimp!
Hiei: Baka ningen.
Kurama: Not now, children, I have a headache.

>Just a Favor

Yuusuke: Special favors?
Kuwa: [laughs] Wait, this is what we’re supposed to do?
Kurama: Pretty much.
Hiei: [frowns]

>by Dillon

All four: [wave] Hi, Dil!

>Pairings: Kurama/Hiei

Kurama: [falls out of his chair]
Hiei: What? What’s it talking about? Kurama?
Kurama: [voice muffled] You’ll find out in a minute.

>Disclaimer: For starters, I own nothing except a number of Metal Gear Solid action figures, who decline to appear in this story.

Kurama: [gets back into his chair] Lucky bastards, they had a choice.
Yuusuke: Are you feeling okay?
Kurama: Do I look okay?!
Hiei: Stop overreacting, Kurama.
Kurama: Just you wait, Hiei, just you wait.
Hiei: [exchanges a worried look with Yuusuke concerning the fox’s odd behavior]

>Just a sweet fic based on my idea that Hiei and Kurama would do anything for each other,

Kuwa: They would?
Kurama: [shouting] Of course we would, we’re best friends, but nothing more than that!
Hiei: [glares at him] What the hell are you talking about?
Yuusuke: I have a bad feeling about this…

>and what would happen if one had to call the other on it.

Kuwa: They’d gang up on me and kill me.
Hiei: “Friends help you move, real friends help you move the bodies.”
Kuwa: See?! He isn’t denying it!
Hiei: [smirks]
Kurama: Kuwabara, you know I’d never try to kill you.
Hiei: Unless you had good reason.
Kurama: Obviously.
Kuwa: [glares] Stupid Youkai.

>No real serious relationship things goin on here,

Yuusuke: Oh, I get it! It’s Yaoi!
Kurama: [groans, hides his face]
Hiei: What the fuck are you talking about?
Both: You’ll find out in a minute.

>and there is an OMC who interacts with the main dudes.

Kuwa: OMC?
Kurama: Original male character inserted in the story.

>Contains K/H sweetness and H/OMC sweetness,

Hiei: What’s the ningen writer talking about?
Yuusuke: Sounds like a new sweetener to put in tea.
Kuwa: I don’t like using sweetener, it’s *not* sweet.
Kurama: [glares] I’m sorry, I don’t like putting a lot of sugar in my tea, even for my guests.
Hiei: [smirks widely] Besides, he’s on a diet. Fat goes straight to his hips.
Kurama: [darkens] Hiei…

>but not really like that. You'll see what I mean.

Kuwa: Where? I don’t see anything.
Yuusuke: The real question is, do we want to?
Kurama: NO!
Hiei: I still think you’re overreacting…
Yuusuke: [grins] You think so now…

>Hiei really should have known Kurama wanted something.

Yuusuke: [falls over laughing] What, Hiei, you didn’t notice that his crotch was sticking up?
Kurama: [blushes] Yuusuke…
Hiei: [wide eyed] What?!
Kuwa: [laughing also] You really don’t know what Yaoi means, do you, Shrimp?
Hiei: [glares and looks away] It’s probably some stupid ningen thing so I really don’t care.
Yuusuke: [chortling] Oh you will.
Hiei: That’s it - Kurama, what is it?
Kurama: [hesitantly] Um… Basically, romantic relationships between two men.
Hiei: [pauses for a moment, then it hits him] THIS WRITER THINKS THAT YOU AND I- !
Kurama: Yes, Hiei.
[the two humans fall over themselves laughing]

>Furthermore, he should have known it was something he was reluctant to ask for.

Yuusuke: Your first time, Kurama?
Kurama: Shut up.
Kuwa: It’s going to be a white wedding?
Yuusuke: Hiei would look better in the dress.
Kuwa: How would we get him in it?
Hiei: [sputters]

>It was in the way he walked, shuffling, without his usual grace, scuffing his shoes in the dust.

Yuusuke: Must be down on your luck.
Kurama: [singing] You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. St. Peter, don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t go. I owe my soul to the company store…
Kuwa: Maybe someone died.
Hiei: *He’s* going to die if he touches me.

>It was in the way he looked up to the trees in frequent,

Kurama: That reminds me of Rex Harrison’s song at the end of My Fair Lady. “I’ve grown accustomed to her looks. I’ve grown accustomed to her face.”
Yuusuke: Why?
Kurama: Don’t know.

>irregular glances, as if seeking confirmation that his friend was there, but fearing eye contact.

Hiei: Why would he need to look? He can sense my ki.

>However, Hiei didn't look long enough to discern these things. If he had, he probably wouldn't have jumped down to greet the taller boy, and could have avoided the whole situation.

Yuusuke: But since this is fantasy, and as it turns out, some person’s fantasy, we all know what Hiei did.
Hiei: That idiot up there is not me.
Kurama: So you would have left me shuffling on the ground like that?
Hiei: If you have a problem, you know you can just come out and tell me. Don’t you? [that comes out as a threat]
Kurama: Of course.
Hiei: Well then that idiot up there isn’t you either.

>* * *

Yuusuke: [sings] Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars…

>Standing in front of the other boy,

Kuwa: You’d think he’d rather be behind.
Yuusuke: [snickers]
Kurama: [sighs]

>Hiei couldn't help but notice the lack of eye contact, the somewhat submissive demeanor.

Yuusuke: See? You’re on bottom, Kurama!
Kurama: Shut up.
Hiei: [thinks about it] Actually, I *would* make you be uke, Kurama.
Kurama: Don’t help them!

>This was unusual, even unnatural for the spirited redhead, and made Hiei uneasy.

Hiei: A lot of things make me uneasy. The Fool’s cooking for instance.
Kuwa: Shut up, Shrimp, you’re just mad about the Yaoi thing.
Hiei: Stupid ningen.
Kurama: Stop it.
Kuwa: He started it.
Kurama: I don’t care who started it, I’ll finish it!

>Coolly, he remarked, "You were looking for me."

Yuusuke: [Kurama] I’m sorry, I’m trying to ask you to roll in the hay with me.
Kuwa: [Kurama] I’m trying to ask you if I could see your sword.
Hiei: [himself] Only if you tell me what exactly you keep in your hair.
Kuwa: [Kurama] Well…
Kurama: [sighs] Hiei, it isn’t bothering you?
Hiei: [shrugs] Obviously this isn’t the only person who thinks you and I are together from your reaction, right?
Kurama: Right.
Hiei: Nothing I can do about what others think. I don’t care either.
Yuusuke: And that’s what makes him so cool.
Kurama: Oh, feed the ego, Yuusuke.
Hiei: [smirks]

>Not a question, a statement.

Kurama: That was rather awkward. Perhaps it should be something like, “It wasn’t a question but a statement.”

>"Yes"-replied Kurama, sounding almost guilty.

Yuusuke: See? You *are* trying to get him to sleep with you.
Kurama: Shut up.

>Hiei's eyes narrowed, and Kurama continued.

Yuusuke: [suggestively] Continued what?
Hiei: That information isn’t privy to the public.
Kurama: [hits Yuusuke. Nothing painful, mind you. He’s on his last nerve.]
Yuusuke: [laughs more]

>"I need to ask you a favor, and I don't think you'll like it.

Yuusuke: Well, if you do it correctly -
Kurama: Yuusuke!

>Actually, I know you won't like it, but I'm afraid you'll do it anyway, and I have no other to ask."

Yuusuke: [Kurama] I’ll die if I don’t get laid! You have to help me!
Hiei: Kurama’s attractive enough; he doesn’t need to pick on me for sex. What about his adoring fan base at that school of his?
Kuwa: Maybe he wants someone closer to his age. I mean, Youko Kurama’s age.
Hiei: Oh. Hn.

>Hiei felt shocked, and a little angry.

Hiei: Well I wouldn’t like the idea of my best friend using me.
Kurama: [glares] I’d never do that.
Hiei: I know. I’m just saying.

>They had something of an unspoken agreement-

Yuusuke: They could sleep with each other and still see other people.

>each knew he could trust the other with his life, and never be asked to do the same.

Hiei: True.
Yuusuke: [smirks madly] Yeah, and you tell each other *everything*!
Kurama: You know, you and Kuwabara have a close relationship too. I wonder if the fan girls put you two together. I should look later.
[The two ningens sputter; The two Youkai exchange smirks]

>They could trust each other, completely; never to ask something that could not be given, and never to ask something he himself would not give.

Kurama: That’s awkward too. It’d be smoother to say, “never ask something that could not be given and didn’t have to give an answer he could not give.” If that’s what he’s trying to say.

>Hiei sighed, faintly, knowing this must be something important. Crossing his arms, he leveled his gaze on his friend, silently willing him to explain.

Yuusuke: [Kurama] Okay. Truth is, Hiei… I’m pregnant with your baby.
Hiei: [laughs out loud]
Kurama: [glares]
Hiei: Well you have the hips for it.
Kurama: Leave my body alone.
Hiei: Tell our fans that.

>Somewhat emboldened, Kurama spoke "I need you

Yuusuke: Now!
Kurama: Missing comma before quotation.

>to fill in on a job for me.

Kuwa: You want Hiei to go to work for you? I think your boss would know the difference!
Kurama: I wouldn’t have a job to go back to, he would have threatened to kill half the other staff members by the end of the day.
Yuusuke: Unless it’s a job where you use your more refined talents. Kurama, Koenma would be angry if he knew you were stealing.
Kurama: [sighs] This is an unfair representation of my character and I demand compensation.
Yuusuke: That’s what Hiei’s around for.
Kurama: [glares]

>I wouldn't ask if I could find someone else,

Hiei: Like I said earlier - He could!
Kurama: Don’t think about it too much, Hiei. It’s not real.
Hiei: Then why are you making such a fuss?

>but I am needed elsewhere, doing something I think you would like less.

Kuwa: Like what?
Yuusuke: Hanging with Kuwabara for a few hours?
Kuwa: Hey!

>Mother is away, and it seems Yuuske,

Yuusuke: That’s Yuusuke thank you.
[Yes, I know it can also be spelled ‘Yusuke’. Technically, ‘Yuusuke’ is more correct, from what I’ve heard from Kuroi. Lesson Number One: Don’t believe ANYTHING Funimation tells you.]

>Keiko, Kuwabara, and Yukina have gone out together.

Hiei: Where did they go?
Yuusuke: Probably on a double date.
Hiei: [glares] Stay away from my sister, baka ningen!
Kuwa: [slouches, mumbling]
[Kuwabara already knows Hiei is Yukina’s brother in this universe. Saves on stereotypical responses from Kazuma. Hiei, however, still has not told Yukina yet.]

>I would not trust either Kuwabara's sister or Yuusuke's mother, and that leaves only you."

Kuwa: What’s wrong with my sister?
Yuusuke: Besides the fact she beats up on you?
Hiei: We do the same thing.
Kuwa: Gee, thanks, guys.

>He looked up, his eyes apologetic and pleading. Hiei sighed heavily. "What do you need me to do?"

[Yuusuke smiles and opens his mouth and Kurama covers it with his hand, glaring at him]

>Kurama smiled. "I need you to watch the little boy next door."

Hiei: [double takes] What?
Kurama: Hiei babysitting? He can’t take care of himself, let alone a child!
Hiei: [darkly] I managed just fine, if you care to remember.
Kurama: [pales] Gomen nasai, Hiei.

>* * *

Yuusuke: [singing] So, boy, stand tall and embrace the fire of the legend/ Embracing the universe like a blazing star!

>Hiei looked as if he'd swallowed a live frog that insisted upon trying to relocate to his left lung.

Hiei: Frog? Why would I eat a frog?
Kurama: Metaphor, Hiei.

>"What? Y-you expect me to watch a child? Kurama, wh….."

Hiei: And why am I stuttering?
Yuusuke: You’re afraid of kids?
Hiei: Only if their heads turn in circles and they vomit pea soup.
Yuusuke: You showed him The Exorcist?
Kurama: [shrugs] He was bored.

>Kurama silenced him with a finger.

Yusuke: …in his ass. [Kuwabara laughs]
Hiei: [angrily] Well, I wouldn’t be silent then, would I?
Kurama: [hopes the darkness hides his blush]

>"Shingo is quite well behaved, and I trust that you can do this.

[Kuwabara hums the Mission Impossible theme]
Yuusuke: Your mission, Hiei, should you chose to accept it --
Hiei: I don’t.
Yuusuke: Ah well.

>My only alternatives are to take him with me on a 12 hour drive in a borrowed 1972 Ford truck with a 4-speed, which I will not do; to send you 12 hours in a borrowed 1972 Ford truck with a 4-speed to pick up my mother's sister Kasumi, which I really can not in good conscience do; or to leave a 7-year-old alone for 12 hours, which I can not do under any circumstances."

Kuwa: Breathe, Kurama, breathe.
Kurama: Carry on sentence. Needs to be broken up.

>Hiei narrowed his eyes further. "Why?"

Kurama: Because it’s proper grammar.
Hiei: I know that. I’m not the idiot up there.

>Kurama rolled his eyes and ticked off on his fingers as he spoke "First, a child would get horribly carsick on a long drive in a small truck with no air conditioning. He would get bored, cranky, and quite likely ill.

Hiei: He would start speaking in tongues.
Yuusuke: [grins] Impressionable, aren’t you?
Hiei: [shrugs] Didn’t know ningens could be so disgusting.
Yuusuke: That ain’t nothing! You should see some other horror movies!
Kurama: Yuusuke…

>I certainly do not want vomit in a small space in this heat. Also, in a 2-seat truck, I would be forced to put him in an unsafe position once I got Kasumi in there. And she would drive him insane.

Yuusuke: What? She would start singing songs? Travel games?
Kuwa: I spy with my naked eye something with words…
Hiei: But can you understand them?
Kuwa: Shrimp!

>Second, she would drive you insane. If you can even drive with a manual transmission, you'd have decapitated her, and possibly yourself,

Yuusuke: I’ve always wondered how one could decapitate themselves.
Hiei: You tie your sword down and then you -
Kurama: Hiei, stop right there.
Hiei: You take the fun out of everything…

>after the ninth story about 'Mr. Flufflekins', her 3-year-dead cat. And third, Shingo is only seven. He needs someone to watch out for him, but he does not cause much trouble.

Yuusuke: Home Alone.
Kuwa: That was a stupid movie.
Yuusuke: I know. But it’s the best example I can think up.

>I've already agreed to do this, and it is regrettable I cannot, but I cannot send you to get my aunt, even if you had a license, and I cannot find another, nor can I reach his parents to ask that they locate another sitter.

Kurama: Another run-on sentence. I am NOT Duo Maxwell.
Hiei: Who?
Yuusuke: Anime character. Long hair. Looks like a woman.
Hiei: [innocently] You don’t?
Kurama: [gives him a dirty look]

>Please, Hiei?"

Yuusuke: [Hiei] Well since you said please…
Kurama: That had better not have any innuendoes.

>Kurama turned his large, sad violet eyes on Hiei,

All: WHAT?!
Kurama: [screeches] Violet?! They are not violet!
Hiei: [stands up, flits over to Kurama’s chair, stands on his lap, leans over the half-human, grabbing his face to hold him still] Nope, definitely green. [flits back to his seat]
Kurama: [is frozen]

>and the koorime found himself sighing, as he responded

Kurama: Needs a period.

>"May I ask one question?

Yuusuke: [Luke] Why didn’t you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.
Hiei: [darkly] I didn’t know my father.
Yuusuke: [pales]

>When in the nine hells did you find time to learn to drive, let alone get your license?"

Yuusuke: Driving’s easy. I want to know how he keeps good grades while away with us on missions.
Kurama: Lots of study and effort when I get back.

>Kurama smiled "Simple. I enrolled in Driver's Education. It's standard."

Hiei: What’s he talking about?
Kurama: It’s standard education in ningen schools.

>Hiei rolled his eyes and gave in. "Lead me to the monster."

Kuwa: [laughs suddenly] He sounds like some knight being led to a fire breathing dragon - and Kurama is the damsel in distress!
Kurama: [dejectedly] Everyone’s against me.

>A smiling Kurama complied.

Hiei: He smiles all the time. It’s because he’s usually flirting all the time.
Kurama: [sinks lower in his seat]
Hiei: Don’t do that, your back will go out.
Kurama: [sarcastically] Yes, mother. [he does sit up though]

>* * *
>Kurama was practically bouncing as they arrived at the Kojima's doorstep.


Kurama: Bouncing?
Kuwa: Maybe you’re happy?
Hiei: He doesn’t bounce. He… glides.
Kurama: I’m flattered you noticed.
Hiei: [looks away]
Yuusuke: And you wonder why you’re paired together…

>"Shingo should be arriving home any minute. We need to give him his snack, I'll introduce him to you, and then I'll be going.

Kuwa: You’d think he’d pass out from not pausing to breathe.
Yuusuke: Yeah, it’s not like he’s some valley girl.
Hiei: He’s not even a girl.
Kurama: I’m glad you admit it.
Hiei: A man with matronly hips.
Kurama: [screams in frustration]
Kuwa: You know, Kurama is a more manly than you, in shape, Hiei.
Hiei: [is about to attack but Kurama holds him down]
Kurama: You’ll go back to jail if you kill him!
Hiei: It’d be worth it!
Kurama: No, it wouldn’t!

>It's a long way to the airport, and as long back. You'll be expected to stay the night, and I'll be here around 3 or 3:30 in the morning; she's already waiting."
>Hiei looked on, confused, as Kurama fished under the mat for the key.

Yuusuke: Oh come on. Who hides their keys under the doormat? Everyone knows to look there!

>"Why doesn't she drive herself?" he asked Kurama's rear end.

[All four laugh]
Hiei: Why am I talking to his ass?
Yuusuke: [grins lecherously] Maybe because you -
Kurama: Yuusuke!
Kuwa: Foreshadowing.
Hiei: You don’t even know what that word means.
Kuwa: Shut up, Shrimp!

>Kurama grimaced at the mat, straightening. "Ironically, the man who was to drive her was in an accident, and the rental place at the airport has only 3 cars left- one with a door missing, and two with a stick shift."

Yuusuke: So? Make her drive one of the stick shifts.
Kurama: [shakes his head] A lot of people don’t like to.
Kuwa: [starts snickering] It’s funny you should say “stick.”
Yuusuke: [snickers as well]
Kurama: [sighs]

>Hiei couldn't help it- he snorted, stifling a laugh.

Hiei: I don’t think it’s funny.

>Kurama smiled in his quiet way.

Yuusuke: That makes him sound like he’s Anthy Himemiya.
Kuwa: Well, he *does* have his roses…

>"The door actually fell off. On her foot."

All four: Wa-wa-waaaa!

>Hiei laughed aloud, a short sound. "It fell off?"

Yuusuke: [Kurama] Yeah, you know, I’d always heard wives tales about that happening, but I didn’t truly believe it. But there we were and it just popped right off.
Kurama: Why do I get the feeling you’re not talking about the car door?

>"When she opened the door to get in."

[Yuusuke snickers some more]

>Hiei just shook his head sadly
>* * *
>Once inside, Kurama gave Hiei a quick tour of the house- bedrooms, bathroom, essential supplies, books, living room,

Hiei: The exit out of this theatre.

>etc., ending in the kitchen, where he showed the refrigerator,

Hiei: I may be from the Makai, but I know what a refrigerator is.
Kurama: Yeah, you come over to steal food from mine all the time.
Hiei: Shh, Koenma might hear you.
Kurama: I’m keeping a tab on you also, Hiei. I add interest too.
Hiei: [stares at him]
Yuusuke: [snickers] You two are so weird.

>and the supplies for snacks and dinner, which had been prepared and sealed in Tupperware®.

Kurama: Look, it’s the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. [raspberry] Ah, still good!
Hiei: [stares at him again]

>Showing Hiei the instructions attatched to the fridge,

Kurama: Attached. Remove extra t.
Kuwa: What instructions? All he has to do is take care of the kid.
Yuusuke: Rule number one: Don’t kill the kid. Rule number two: Don’t kill the kid. Rule number three -
Hiei: We get the idea.

>and the workings of the necessary appliances,

Yuusuke: Blender.
Kurama: Fire extinguisher.
Kuwa: He does know where the first aid kit is right?

>as well as the locations of the utensils and what to do with them, took enough time for Shingo to arrive home.

Yuusuke: [smirks] What kind of utensils? How did they use them? I want details!
Kurama: Yuusuke…
Kuwa: Hiei grabbed a fork and rammed it into Kurama’s chest!
Hiei: I’ll be ramming something into your chest if you don’t watch it.

>Stepping through the doorway, he set down his backpack and narrowed his eyes at the two boys.

Hiei: And obliterates them with his mind!
Kurama: I don’t think he’s a god.
Yuusuke: He does this. [moves his arm in a slow arc until he’s pointing right in front of them, then makes exploding noises]
Kurama: I knew Xellos would be your favorite character in Slayers.

>* * *
>Hiei felt the child's eyes apon him,

Kurama: Upon.

>and stood before the small blonde boy, crossing his arms and gazing down coolly. Shingo surprised him by crossing his arms and looking up, unimpressed, in a natural gesture that looked for all the world like an impression of the cool, diminuitive koorime.

Kurama: Diminutive.
Hiei: I sense ill tidings.
Kurama: Oh?
Hiei: Well, he’s copying me.
Kuwa: Yeah. Any child in their right mind would be afraid of you, Shrimp.
Hiei: Baka ningen!

>Hiei was slightly impressed at the child's frankly unimpressed demeanor and with a brief "Hn" motioned his head toward Kurama. Shingo "Hn"'ed back, but followed.

Yuusuke: Oh, Lord, he’s replicating! It’s his clone! Ahhh!
Kuwa: More than one Hiei? I’m going to have nightmares.
Hiei: I’ll give you something to have nightmares about, baka ningen…

>Kurama rolled his eyes at this display, but noted with pleasure that the boy seemed to regard Hiei as an equal, sizing him up much as a cat will, and finding him approvable.

Kurama: You know, Hiei, you do remind me of a cat.
Yuusuke: [laughs it up] Cat boy! Enemy and lover of the heroic but mysterious Bat-fox!
Hiei: [ignores him] A cat?
Kurama: Yeah.

>He motioned the small child to the table, presented him with the fruit and vegetable slices left as a snack, and spoke while he procured a couple glasses of milk.
>"Shingo, I am afraid I will be unable to stay this evening.

Hiei: I’m bored. Can we leave yet?
Kuwa: I think they locked the doors.
Hiei: Shouldn’t be any trouble to break through, right, Kurama?
Kurama: They looked easy enough.
Koenma’s voice: I’m sorry, but you WILL read this entire fic.
Hiei: [grumbles]

>As you know, with your parents out of town you cannot be left unattended, and so my friend Hiei will be watching you until I get back."
>He nodded at Hiei as he spoke, handing the dark haired boy a glass of milk before he continued.

Hiei: Milk?
Kurama: He usually makes me give him water.
Yuusuke: Got him whipped there, eh, Hiei?
Hiei: Shut up.

>"You know where the emergency numbers are, if you need them,

Hiei: I doubt that.
Yuusuke: Well yeah. He’s a grown Youkai. He can take care of himself.
Kuwa: He’s grown? Why’s he so –
Kurama: Kuwabara, don’t start.

>and I have added the number to the mobile phone I will carry. Hiei also knows how to get in touch with me."

[Yuusuke and Kuwabara snicker; the other two ignore them]

>He smiled at his friend as he set another glass before the child, then stood to stand near the countertop. Sipping he stated "You will respect Hiei as you do me, and refrain from causing him trouble. You will also please remember the rules?"

Yuusuke: [Nancy] And whatever you do, don’t fall asleep!

>Shingo sighed and recited "Bedtime is 9:00. I will not watch scary movies before bed.

Yuusuke: Aw, Kurama, let the poor kid watch a horror flick. It won’t kill him.
Kurama: Sadist.

>I will not terrorize the sitter. I will not treat him in a way I would not be treated. No gum in bed, no drinking before bed,

Yuusuke: Everyone has a drinking problem.
Kurama: Yuusuke, he’s just a child.

>no candy on the couch, no ritualistic dog grooming,

Hiei: [smirks at that]
Kurama: You’re thinking about The Exorcist again.
Hiei: [smirks wider]
Yuusuke: That’s it. You’re going to watch Phantasm. Come over this weekend. It’s cool, you’ll love it.
Hiei: Whatever.
Kuwa: Can I come over too?
Yuusuke: And have you two burn down my house? No way. Not unless Kurama comes along to delegate.
Kurama: [sighs] Fine.

>and no turtles."

Kurama: Turtles?
Hiei: Don’t ask.
Yuusuke: Probably safer that way.

>Hiei raised an eyebrow.

Hiei: No, I didn’t.
Kurama: The fic, not you.

>Kurama snorted in his milk, and wiped his face before stating

Kuwa: It got all over his face? Ew!
Yuusuke: I thought you had better manners than that, Kurama.
Hiei: He does.
Kurama: [hangs his head] I don’t know who that is up there but it’s not me. I swear.

>"It's a very long story, de gozaru. Perhaps I'll tell it sometime."

Yuusuke: Aw, a bedtime story? How cute!
Kurama: [shakes his head]

>Hiei nodded, acquiescing for the moment in favor of rallying his thoughts, remembering if there was anything he needed to ask. He was frankly terrified.

Yuusuke: After all the Youkai he faced in the tournaments and he’s afraid of a little child?
Hiei: I’d just ignore him and let him fend for himself while I read a book. It’d only be for a few hours.
Kurama: Hiei, if I *did* put you in charge of a child, even for a few hours, I’d expect you to take some responsibility.
Hiei: It’s not like he’s *my* child.

>Nothing in his childhood had prepared him for this, and he was absolutely terrified that he would perpetrate some heinous act or cause some disaster that would damage the child for life.

Hiei: [darkly] My past is none of this ningen’s concern. How did she find out about it? Who talked?
Kurama: She read it off spoiler sites. The entire fandom knows everything about us.
Hiei: [stares]

>Kurama noted his dis-ease and smiled.

Kuwa: Disease? He’s sick? Is he dying?
Hiei: You wish.
Kurama: I think the author meant ‘unease.’

>"You'll do fine, Hiei-chan. And you can call, should you have any trouble."
>Hiei nodded, and watched in horror as his friend walked out the door.

Yuusuke: [Hiei, whining] Kurama, don’t leave meee!
Hiei: Hn.

>Kurama chuckled and looked back before closing the door.

Hiei: You’re enjoying my suffering.
Yuusuke: Now who’s the sadist?
Kurama: That’s not me!

>"Take care, my friends. I should be back in the morning"
>The door closed behind him, leaving them alone.
>* * *
>Hiei turned into the room,

Kuwa: I didn’t know Hiei was a shape shifter.
Yuusuke: Baka, shape shifters can only shift into organic life forms.
Kuwa: He turned into a whole room though.

>eyes falling on the boy. With a "Hn",

Hiei: Because apparently that’s my main vocabulary.
Kuwa: It isn’t?
Kurama: Ironically enough, Heero Yuy says that in fics all the time.
Yuusuke: But I don’t remember him doing that in the show.
Kurama: [nods]

>he turned again, not wanting to appear uneasy, and his gaze fell apon the television, an anime playing across the screen.

Yuusuke: Bet it’s Gundam Wing.

>Suddenly decisive, he walked over and settled on the couch.

Hiei: Wait, I’m going to watch cartoons?
Kurama: Remember it’s not you.

>Within minutes, the child followed and clambered up to the opposite end. Hiei sat and thought awhile, considering what to do for the next several hours, how to care for this small life.

Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama: Awww.
Hiei: [snorts]

>For all his complaining about the ningen, he didn't want to damage this small bit of innocence.
>Thinking along these lines, he thought maybe he should be monitoring what the kid was watching.

Hiei: Why would I care?
Kurama: Sometimes there’s a lot of violence on television and a lot of parents in the Ningenkai chose to prevent their children from seeing it.
Hiei: [thinks about how different that is from things in the Makai]

>His eyes lit upon the screen, taking in the anime.
>About ten minutes later, his thoughts had turned from troubled visions of failure to simply "Dear god this is asinine. This must be the most asinine thing I've ever witnessed.

Hiei: She likes that word.
Kurama: [nods] Could change it to just simply “silly” or “stupid” after the first time. Could, don’t have to.

>Who's idea was this? Did that guy just eat a rock?"

Yuusuke: Definitely not Gundam Wing.
Kurama: You know, this fic reminds me of a GW fic rather than our show.
Yuusuke: Hmm.

>As this ran through his head he heard a small voice from the other end of the couch.
>"This is stupid. This is really, really stupid. Did that guy just eat a rock? Why are we watching this?"

Yuusuke: They’re stuck in the Outer Limits!
Kurama: We control the horizontal, we control the vertical…

>Hiei looked over to the child.
>"Why did you put it on if you didn't want to watch it?"
>The boy looked up, his face a study in innocence
>"I thought you turned it on."
>Their eyes met, and for a moment they were silent, before collapsing into uncontrollable laughter, clutching their ribs and rolling from the couch to the floor.

Hiei: What just happened?
Kuwa: Don’t know.
Hiei: This fic is “asinine.”
Kurama: Hiei, be nice.
Hiei: Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Kurama: [glares] You can be nice if you want to.
Yuusuke: [smiles widely] Yeah, you’re nice to Kurama all the time, aren’t you, Hiei?
Hiei: [looks away, grumbling] Not all the time…

>Hiei sat up, catching his breath. He wiped his eyes and asked

Hiei: I didn’t think it was funny.
Kurama: Remember, not you.

>"So, what do you usually do?"

Yuusuke: [Shingo] If I told you I’d have to kill you.
Kuwa: Huh?
Yuusuke: Well, the kid supposedly acts like Hiei, doesn’t he?

>* * *
>Shingo sat at the table, paintbrush in hand, watching the dark-haired young man stir lemonade powder into water while he read the instructions left for dinner.

Hiei: I need instructions to make lemonade?!
Kurama: That reminds me of a school project I had in Junior High. We were supposed to write a short paragraph detailing to an alien life form how to make a meal. Yuusuke: [snickers as he remembers that alien picture of Hiei, the one with the big head]

>Honestly, he was supposed to be painting the bowl of grapes on the table for a school art project, but he couldn't concentrate. He kept wondering about Hiei- why was he so quiet?

Kuwa: Watch it, kid. He’s probably sizing you up, waiting to strike the lethal blow!
Hiei: Is that all you think about?
Yuusuke: Yeah, that and girls.

>Why did his laughter sound so unused?

Hiei: None of your fucking business!
Kurama: Calm, Hiei…

>Could he really cook?

Kurama: There was that one time he fried a rabbit, but…
Hiei: You said well done.
Kurama: Well done, not charcoal.

>Shingo honestly hoped Hiei was a better cook than Kurama.

[Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Hiei laugh]
Kurama: [his eye starts twitching] As stereotypical as it is, I can cook. Nothing extravagant, mind you, but I can work a stove and press buttons on the microwave like everyone else.
Hiei: [mockingly] Remember, it’s not you.
Kurama: [gives him a withering look]

>Kurama could cook ok, but was really didn't much like it and usually ended up ordering pizza.

Kurama: Well then I can’t cook okay, can I?
Yuusuke: Guess not.
Kuwa: Just don’t burn down *your* house, Kurama.

>There's only so much pizza a kid can take.

Yuusuke: Unless he’s finicky, I don’t see his problem.
Kuwa: Yeah. My sister wouldn’t ever do that. Sure, we get pizza every now and then, but not every time she cooks.

>Kuwabara had filled in once, and he could cook. At least, kinda.

Kuwa: Hey!
[the other three snicker]

>He hoped that was the color chicken sukiyaki was supposed to be.

[Kuwabara sulks more while Yuusuke and Kurama laugh harder. Hiei just continues smirking]

>As he thought, his hand moved across the page. Hiei was assembling some ingredients now, with a look of total concentration,

Yuusuke: He looks like that all the time.
Hiei: Because I’m always using my head. Unlike certain people I could mention.

>every movement deliberate. Reading back over the list, he nodded and put the pot on to boil, arranging the other bowls in the order they were to go in.
>Shingo smiled. Yes, it appeared Hiei could cook.

Hiei: [smirks]

>He let out a sigh of relief, when a voice by his right elbow startled him.
>"Hn. Not bad."

All four: What is?

>He looked up to see Hiei behind him, smirking, and blushed when his eyes fell on the rather good (for a 7-yr-old) rendering of Hiei at the countertop,

Yuusuke: [snickers] Aww, the kid has a crush on you!
Kuwa: Hiei, you dog.
Hiei: Irk… [blinks] Did you just call me a dog?
Kurama: A figure of speech.

>white apron contrasting nicely with the black outfit he usually wore.

Kurama: That makes me think of Magenta.
Hiei: [singing softly, almost tentatively] Let’s do the time warp again…
Kurama: [laughs out loud] You remembered!
Hiei: [smiles]
Yuusuke: [snorts] And you accuse *me* of polluting the innocent Youkai’s mind. *I* never showed him Rocky Horror…

>"Er. Thank you."
>Hiei snorted and said "I'll put this up to dry. You collect your things- dinner will be ready soon." He took the picture, attached it to the refrigerator, and continued with his preparations as Shingo began clearing the table.
>After a few minutes silence, Shingo quietly spoke up.
>"Mr. Hiei?"

Yuusuke: Hiei-san.
Hiei: Huh?
Yuusuke: American dubbing for anime; more often then not they replace -san with Mr. or Ms. At least that’s what I noticed.

>"Hai?"
>Shingo opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated.

Hiei: [gets suspicious] What’s he not saying? Koenma!
Koenma: [sing-song voice] I’ll never tell!

>Hiei noticed, but said nothing as the child swallowed and asked "Is there anything else you'd like me to do? The table is clean."

Yuusuke: I could say something, but it wouldn’t be all too clever.
Kurama: Running dry?
Yuusuke: [is about to answer when he catches himself in time] Hey!
[Kurama snickers.]

>Hiei wondered for a moment what it was they boy had been afraid to ask, but let it pass. "Hai. Fetch the dishes, this is ready to serve."

Kurama: *The* not they.

>The small child gladly scampered off, and Hiei smiled softly.

Hiei: Why?
Kurama: Don’t know. You like the kid maybe?
Hiei: No, I don’t.

>He served the fragrant rice and vegetable dish, and they ate in silence.

Yuusuke: [mimics crickets chirping]
Kuwa: Great, now I’m hungry and I finished all the snacks.
Yuusuke: That always happens at the movies. Right in the middle of the film, everything’s eaten, your drink is gone, and you have to go to the bathroom.

>Afterward Shingo ran water for the dishes as was his task, and Hiei watched in amusement as bubbles he blew from the soap bottle rose and floated around the kitchen.

Yuusuke: Remember that part in Cinderella when she’s cleaning the floors?
Kurama: Hiei wouldn’t wear glass slippers, that’s just tacky.
Hiei: And painful. They’re glass; what if they broke?

>Shingo then moved over and dried the dishes as Hiei washed, until a cup was inverted over his head with a small amount of water still in it.

Yuusuke: He’s not that immature. Except when it comes to Kuwabara.
Hiei: Hn.

>Hiei averted his eyes from the moisture-enhanced youngster, attempting to look innocent and failing miserably.
>A smirk tends to ruin an innocent façade.

Kurama: He does that a lot too.

>Shingo glared and used another cup to splash soapy water over the jaganshi in question, and within minutes they were in the middle of a very moist kitchen, dueling with the paint soaked brushes that had been waiting to be cleaned.

Yuusuke: [singing] Zettai Unmei Mokoshiroku!
Kurama: [Hiei] There can be only one!
Kuwa: Mortal Kombat!
[Hiei snorts at their antics]

>"Hiten Mitsugii Ryo!" cried Shingo, lunging with his decidedly unintimidating red-tipped implement of destruction.

Hiei: What the fuck did he just say?
Yuusuke: Um, my guess is, that’s Kenshin’s attack. [blinks] Wait, that makes the comment about Kurama’s eyes make a little sense. She must have gotten Kurama and Kenshin confused. Kenshin has violet eyes.

>Hiei dodged and lightly pushed the boy's shoulder, causing his feet to slip from under him. As the child fell to the floor, Hiei smirked.

Yuusuke: Picking on kids now? You’re shameless.
Hiei: Baka.

>"You watch a hell of a lot of Kenshin, don't you?"

Yuusuke: Obviously the author does, but how the hell does Hiei know about it?
Kurama: Watched it with me?
Yuusuke: Did you show it to him?
Kurama: No. I don’t think he’d like it.
Yuusuke: No, but you showed him The Exorcist and Rocky Horror Picture Show? Trying to give him some not-so-subtle hints, Kurama?
Kurama: Shut up.

>Shingo grinned dazedly
>"Yahiko is a god"

Yuusuke: No he isn’t. Kenshin’s the coolest character on that show. I mean, Yahiko is great and all, but not as cool as Kenshin.

>Hiei rolled his eyes.

Kuwa: Across the floor.
Yuusuke: Ew.
Kurama: I used to know someone who could do that…

>"Go. Take your bath. I'll clean this up."
>"Hai, Mr. Hiei"
>They smiled quietly at each other, as Hiei turned back to the sink.

Yuusuke: Ohhh! I think Hiei’s falling for the kid too!
Hiei: What?! No I’m not!

>* * *
>Hiei studied his reflection in the window, and smiled at the splatters of red paint on his hair and clothes.

Hiei: That’s not paint. That’s the kid’s blood.
Kurama: Hiei, he’s just a child.
Hiei: I don’t care! I don’t go around chasing after young boys!
Yuusuke: Well, apparently our fan base doesn’t think so.
Kuwa: Yeah, you *are* paired with Kurama all the time.
Kurama: [smirks] He’s paired with you too, sometimes, Kuwabara.
Kuwa: [blanches] Never say that again. Ever.
Kurama: [hotly] Oh, so it’s okay for you to say that I have a relationship with Hiei but I can’t return the favor? How’s that fair?
Kuwa: Uhh…
Hiei: [smirks] Baka ningen.

>The little boy could make a good swordsman someday.

Hiei: If he trains from watching a television show I highly doubt it.
Yuusuke: Sure, he can throw water at all his opponents.

>And he seemed to be doing well so far, hadn't caused any permanent injury, or tears, though he seemed to be relegated to the role of housewife.

Kuwa: Hiei or the kid?
Kurama: I think he means Hiei.

>He grimaced good-naturedly as he wiped the sink down and fetched a mop for the floor.
>The boy was alive, fed, and happy. Kurama would be pleased.

Yuusuke: Trying to please Kurama? That’s so *cute,* Hiei!
Hiei: [irritated] He left me in charge. He placed a responsibility of another life in my care. If I had let anything happen to the kid he’d be mad. He’s my closest friend and I don’t *want* him to be mad at me.
Yuusuke: Awww, that’s so adorable!
Kuwa: Yeah! No wonder those fan girls are all over you two.
[Kurama tries to hide a smile. Hiei glares at the two humans.]

>His thoughts continued in a similar vein until he'd finished the floor and dried the table.

Yuusuke: [singing] Cinderelli, Cinderelli! Night and day, it’s Cinderelli!

>Sneaking a peek at the clock, he started.
>8:15 already?
>Checking the living room, he noted the boy wasn't there. Bed already?

Kuwa: That kid moves fast.
Hiei: Hey! I’m not sleeping with a kid!
Kurama: Bad taste.
Kuwa: Yuusuke did it too.
Kurama: [sighs]

>Checking Shingo's room, his parent's room, and the basement was fruitless.
>Hiei was frightened, had the boy drowned?

Yuusuke: Staying with the theme of the fic, I don’t think so.

>His heart clenched at the thought, as he raced up the stairs to the bathroom.
>Hands shaking, he reached for the doorknob, opening it ever so slowly, to reveal his worst fear.
>The boy lay in the tub, unmoving.
>Hiei cried out, a single tear gem falling from his eye as he raced forward.

Hiei: Why am I crying?
Kurama: You think the kid is dead.
Hiei: I know. But *I* wouldn’t be sitting there crying, I’d lift him out of the water or check his pulse or something.
Kurama: Not really you, remember?
Yuusuke: You know, I’ve always wondered about that, Hiei. Do you cry tear gems too?
Hiei: You’ll never find out, Urameshi.
Kurama: [tries to hide another smile]

>His heart broke, then rose to his throat as the child stirred, opening sleepy eyes and looking around

Yuusuke: Wa-wa-waaaa!
Kurama: Period at the end of sentence.

>"Huh? Ussa natter isserIei?"

Yuusuke: Asuka?
Kuwa: Huh?
Yusuke: Sounds like Asuka…
Kurama: Easy, fanboy.

>Hiei chuckled softly
>"You scared me, little Baka." he said, fondly "Let's get you out of that cold water."
>"Ok, isser Hiei" the little one muttered, raising his arms.

Kurama: You know, people really do die like that.
Hiei: Falling asleep in the bath?
Kurama: Yeah.
Hiei: Never thought about it before.
Kuwa: Great, you’re giving him ideas.
Hiei: Baka. If I wanted you dead, you wouldn’t be here.
Kuwa: So, does that mean you like me?
Hiei: Tolerate, not like.
Yuusuke: [smiles slightly as he remembers Nightmare on Elmstreet]

>Hiei wrapped the small child in a fluffy towel, raising him to his shoulder. The little boy surprised him by wrapping his little arms around Hiei's neck and snuggling in.
>"I ike you, isser Iei" he yawned "ell me a ssory?"

Hiei: All the ones I have to tell are not for children’s ears.
Yuusuke and Kuwabara: [laugh]
Kurama: And you just *have* to help them…

>Hiei smiled softly. Deciding pajamas could wait, he descended to the living room, replying "Hai" softly to the bundle of moist ningen. Settling on the couch with the drowsy child still moistening his collar, he thought a moment, then began.
>"Once, not so long ago as you might think, four young allies

Yuusuke: Gee, I wonder who he’s talking about.
Kuwa: Who?
Hiei: Us, you moron!

>began a journey into the spirit world, in pursuit of the four legendary saint beasts…."

Kuwa: Well if I’d read that part I would’ve gotten it.
Hiei: Uh huh.
Kuwa: Shut up, Shrimp.

>* * *
>Several hours later came the soft sound of a key in the lock, as a tired figure entered the darkened doorway.

Hiei: About time. Does this mean it’s almost over?
Kurama: Maybe.

>Looking around, Kurama was first surprised at the cleanliness of the rooms in his view,

Kurama: Despite his destructive capabilities, Hiei is very neat. I wouldn’t have been surprised by that.

>and then by the number of lights still on. He'd have thought Hiei would have no more on than necessary, but it appeared as if every available light had been left to burn.

Hiei: I wouldn’t have. That’s a waste of electricity.

>His third shock was by far the greatest, however, as he laid his eyes apon the young koorime, curled up on the couch, surrounding a naked, slighty damp, peacefully sleeping Shingo.

Yuusuke: Hiei, you should be ashamed of yourself, sleeping with a kid.
Hiei: [you can almost see the smoke coming off the wards of his arms] That is NOT me.

>As quietly as he could, Kurama slipped the camera from his pocket and snapped a photograph.

Hiei: Great friend, taking advantage of my vulnerable moment.
Kurama: Just because you’re in a bad mood…
Kuwa: Kurama, can I have a copy of that?
Yuusuke: Yeah, we can put it on Christmas cards.

>The clicking of the shutter aroused Hiei's

Yuusuke: [falls out of his seat, laughing] Gees, Hiei, are you turned on that easily?!
Hiei: [is getting angrier at every passing moment]
Kurama: [notices and starts to worry]

>attention, and Kurama smiled as his friend's eyes opened and their gazes met. Hiei smiled back, gently, and raised a finger to his lips
>"Shh. Help me here, Baka" he whispered.

Yuusuke: Oh, he’ll help you alright.
Kurama: Yuusuke…

>Shingo murmered something that sounded vaguely like "baka" and snuggled further into his neck, clutching tightly.

Kuwa: It’s a Chibi-Hiei.
Kurama: Murmured.

>Hiei was caught between a sputter of idignation and a giggle, as Kurama came forward to pry off the clinging child.

Hiei: Giggle?! I do NOT giggle.
Kurama: Indignation.

>Once he'd managed it, the little boy squirmed in his arms, muttering "sser iei" as the dark haired koorime sat up and took him back.

Yuusuke: It’s a leech! It’s trying to steel his soul! It’s a pod person!
Kuwa: You feeling okay?
Yuusuke: No, I’m fucking tired. Is it over yet?

>Kurama smiled at the child's antics and Hiei's blushing look of pride.
>"Come on, let's get him to bed" the red-haired boy whispered to his friend.

Yuusuke: Great, now Kurama wants to sleep with the kid.
[Hiei’s wards ARE smoking now]
Kurama: Calm down, Hiei, it’s almost over. Just hold on. You can do it. You know you can.
Kuwabara: Sounds like you’re trying to convince him not to jump off a building.

>Hiei simply nodded and followed, climbing the stairs to lay the boy on his mattress while Kurama fetched a set of pajamas.
>Hiei carefully removed the towel and dressed the boy, sliding him gently between the sheets, and catching a surprise as the semi-conscious child's arms went around his neck, sleepily muttering
>"g'nite sser iei. muv ou"

Yuusuke: Hiei, the Fire Demon and seducer of young boys.
[Hiei pulls out his katana and begins hacking his chair with it out of frustration]
Kurama: You did that on purpose.
Yuusuke: I can barely keep my eyes open. Needed to entertain myself.
Hiei: [calms down and gives him a dirty look] Fool.

>Hiei's face lit up, and he pulled the blanket over the little boy, speaking softly
>"Goodnight, little one"

Kuwa: Awww.
Yuusuke: [yawns and throws his empty cup on the floor] There, Hiei, light that on fire.
Hiei: [smirks and does so]
Kurama: [shakes his head sadly]

>Stroking the damp blond bangs back, he placed a soft kiss on the sleeping boy's forehead.
>Leaving the tiny tear gem he'd shed under the child's pillow,

Yuusuke: [little boy] Mommy, why is the tooth fairy lighting my pillow on fire?

>he followed his smirking friend out the door to the hall. Looking at the readhead's face, he blushed deeply and playfully punched the other boy's arm.

Hiei: What? You can read Kurama’s head?
Kurama: Redhead.
Yuusuke: Aww, Hiei, you blushed! How cute!

>"Not a word, Baka"
>Kurama simply smirked more forcefully.
>* * *
>The two boys sat in the kitchen for another hour, drinking tea and talking quietly about the day's adventures.
>Kurama laughed at the paint in Hiei's hair and the waterfight, while Hiei suppressed a giggle over Kurama's lamenting about his aunt's new cat, Horace, whom he'd been unfortunate enough to share a borrowed 1972 Ford with, for 12 hours.

Yuusuke: Do you two actually have normal discussions about things other than enemies and your estranged pasts?
Hiei: Occasionally. About what is none of your business.
Yuusuke: [smirks] Spoil sport.

>Hiei could no longer suppress his giggle when he learned that Kurama had also made the aquaintance of the mouse Horace had eaten for breakfast.

Hiei: I don’t giggle. [looking around for something else to burn and spots the rest of the trash from his friends’ junk food]
Kurama: Acquaintance. And calm down, you pyro.
Kuwa: Shouldn’t we be putting the other ones out when he finishes?
Yuusuke: [shrugs]

>At 5:30 Shingo's parents arrived, and Kurama explained the situation, introducing Hiei and apologizing for having resorted to a sitter they did not know. Shingo's parents were happy to meet him, and forgave Kurama, stating that they trusted his judgment. They thanked Hiei for coming on such short notice, and he blushed, muttering "Hai. He's a sweet kid."

[Hiei is slowly lighting every piece of trash aflame while his friends watch avidly]

>The boys were paid, and after a few moments polite conversation were readying themselves to leave, when Hiei got an idea.

Yuusuke: Uh oh.
Kuwa: He’s going to kill me.
Yuusuke: Ever stop to think you’re paranoid?

>With a small smile asked Kurama for his wallet.

Kurama: And he steals from me again.

>Kurama looked confused, but handed it to him.
>He smiled as Hiei removed the photograph Kurama carried, one Keiko had taken of them together at the beach, and attatched it to the refrigerator.


Yuusuke: Aww, how cute.
Kurama: Actually, Keiko’s taken a lot of pictures of all of us together, but I don’t keep them in my wallet. They’re all in a desk drawer. Except for the one that’s framed. Oh, and that’s attached. Again.

>Hiei then removed the one Shingo had painted earlier, now fully dry, and folded it gently before slipping it into his pocket, returning the fox's wallet.
>Hiei smiled
>"Arigatou"
>Kurama rolled his eyes dramatically and smiled.
>Stating their goodnights to Shingo's parents, they walked out the door.

Hiei: [looks up at Kurama] Can we leave yet?
Kurama: Soon. I can see the end of the text.
Hiei: Okay. [lights the last plastic cup on fire]

>* * *
>Upon reaching the street, Kurama slipped his hand into Hiei's, placing a small kiss on the shorter boy's cheek.

Kuwa: Awww!
Yuusuke: Woohoo! Go, Hiei! [whistles]
[Kurama expertly looks away, pretending that he’s not blushing]

>"Arigatou, Hiei."
>With a smile, he spoke softly.
>"Seeing you like that tonight, sleeping with Shingo, was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen."

Kurama: Well, if I hadn’t been perverted by Yuusuke’s pedophile jokes, yeah, sure.

>He smiled wistfully.
>"I rather wondered what it's like."
>Hiei arched an eyebrow.
>"You want to sleep with a small wet ningen? You've got some odd kinks, Kitsune."

Yuusuke and Kuwabara: [laugh out loud]
Kurama: [shakes his head]

>Kurama looked taken aback, and blushed furiously.
>"No, baka. With you!"

Hiei: We all saw that coming, right?
Yuusuke: Yeah, and something else is going to be coming in a second.
Hiei: Hentai.

>Hiei smiled.
>"Oh, in that case…"

Hiei: And sure, I’d have to agree with it.
Kurama: Because you’re lonely and starved for attention?
Hiei: If I wanted that, I wouldn’t ruin our friendship by chasing after you.
Yuusuke: [sly smile] You know, Keiko is my best friend, and I love her. It doesn’t have to ruin your friendship, Hiei.
Hiei: [starts imagining Kurama slapping him when he got mad] …

>he pulled himself up to place a soft kiss on the taller boy's lips
>"I could show you, if you'd like."

Yuusuke: [singing] Let’s get it on…
Kurama: That’s painfully obvious, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Something’s gotta be painful.
Kurama: [eyes widen] Yuusuke!
Hiei: Hentai.

>Kurama smiled brightly.
>"I'd like that a lot. Would you like to spend the night, Hiei-chan?"

Yuusuke: [girl-like voice] We can stay up all night, curl our hair, and tell ghost stories!
Hiei: Kurama?
Kurama: What?
Hiei: Never call me “Hiei-chan.”
Kurama: [smirks]

>Hiei blushed, leaning into his friend's chest, and sighed "Hai"

Kuwa: And there were birds singing.
Yuusuke: Cherry blossoms flying around.

>~Owari~

Hiei: [is the first to stand up]
Kuwa: Wait, there’s more!
Yuusuke: Ah, fuck!
Hiei: [smirks] No there isn’t. [pulls the wards off his arm]
Kurama: [gapes] Get down!

*

Outside of the burning theatre, Yuusuke stopped to look back at the smoldering remains. “Gees, Hiei…” He looked around. The Fire Demon was present, right next to him, and Kurama was on Hiei’s other side. But there was one missing from their foursome. “Uh, where’s Kuwabara? Hiei, he was right behind you when we were running.”

Kurama gave his friend a level stare. “Hiei. What did you do?”

"Oops, I thought he came out with us," Hiei said, looking innocent.

"Hiei," Kurama scolded.

"Should we save him?" Yusuke asked. He didn't seem too concerned. Hiei shook his head quickly. Kurama sighed.

"You have to go save him, Hiei. Koenma will have a fit."

Hiei shrugged. "Not my fault that he believes that the girl's bathroom was blocked and that he had to go save the 'pretties'."

Yusuke pulled out a coin. "Flip for it?" Hiei smirked widely.

Kurama thought about hitting him, but thought better of it, instead saying, "He means flip the coin, not flip him."

Hiei scowled. "You take the fun out of everything."

Yuusuke sweat dropped. "Heads for leave him, tails for get him?"

Kurama glared. "Heads is more likely, Yuusuke. You know that."

Yuusuke rolled his eyes. "Fine. Heads we get him, tails we leave him." He flipped the coin. Catching it in his hand, he held the coin for them to see. Heads. Hiei scowled for all he was worth.

Kurama sighed in relief. "Okay, let's go before it's too late!" Following his example, they were about to head back into the theatre when they heard an unmistakable voice behind them.

"Before what is too late?" Kuwabara asked them. Slowly, they turned to look at him. Kuwabara's face was smudged with soot, and his hair was smoking slightly. "Shrimp, there were no damsels in the bathroom waiting for a mighty rescuer!"

Hiei shrugged. "So?"

Kuwabara's face turned red and his voice took a new pitch. "How could you lie like that?! I could have been --" He suddenly found himself soaked, and he whirled on Yuusuke, who grinned at him.

"Your hair was on fire."

Kuwabara's eyes widened. "AAAAAH!! MY PRECIOUS HAIR!! I must find a mirror! Noooooo!" He ran wailing down the hall, smacking into a wall and knocking himself out. Hiei smirked.

Koenma suddenly appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "Yo! So, how was it?"

Hiei's eyes took on a wild look and his smirk was gone instantly. Kurama and Yusuke moved quickly to intervene, trying to soothe the irate fire demon before he could hurt the young godling.

Kurama cleared his throat. "Well, actually... We never got through the first one. The theatre...spontaneously combusted..."

Hiei and Yuusuke snickered.

TBC.

Notes: That last bit, along with parts during the actual mst, was written with Rose Thorne. Plus she was my characterization check and everything! *hugs*

August 17, 2004: 1st Overhaul. Changes made toward grammar and spelling (and changing all the “shes” to “hes” when referring to Dillon), but not toward story itself.

I would also like to point out the various points of irony throughout this episode. Points if you reread this and know what they are.

Admittedly, for being 17, I did a pretty good job with this. Now that I’m 19, I decided that an overhaul of the entire thing was in order. I’m planning on doing another when I have seen the entire series, which won’t be for quite some time. I’m very poor.