Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Episode Two ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode Two
Story: Neko
Author: Rose Thorne-sensei (You’re so cool.)
MSTer: Chrissy Sky (With loads of help from Rose, ironically.)
Rating: Oi, like last time: wasn’t so bad until I opened my big fat mouth. Consider R.

Warnings: *Chrissy suddenly appears in a sailor fuku, standing in a bright pink light* In the name of Boy-Boy love, I shall punish all homophobes! *snaps out of it* Uh, Yaoi ahead, mates. Don’t like it? Tough. Life’s unfair like that. Deal.

*

- Ningenkai -

It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon. There was a light breeze and it was not cold at all. A few passing clouds kept the sun from making it too hot. A little boy across the street playing looked up as a car pulled into the driveway of an empty house - empty because no one was living in it, obviously enough. The boy knew that much because he’d never seen anyone enter or leave. So he watched with curiosity as people got out of the car, carrying boxes and walking to the front door. A fair-faced redhead pulled keys out of his pocket and opened the door. An equally attractive woman (if slightly older and with darker hair) followed him inside, along with a tall man with orange hair, another with greased-back black hair, and a kid with flame-shaped black hair and a patch of starburst above his brow. The little boy ran inside to tell his mother about it.

Kurama looked around the living room with a pleased expression. “I like it even better than when we came before, Mother.”

Yuusuke whistled. “This must have cost quite a bit, Shiori-san. My mom would never give me this kind of yen, even if she really wanted me out of the house.” It only comprised of two bedrooms, and probably was not any larger than some apartments, but it was new and fancy. Of course Kurama would be living in such a nice place, in a nice neighborhood.

Shiori set her burden down, which was a smaller box compared to the sizes of the ones the boys carried. “Shuiichi is an adult know, he deserves his own place. Besides, he *does* have to pay his step-father back, ne, Shuiichi?”

Kurama smiled at her, fondness in his eyes. “And risk being disowned? Of course I’ll pay him back.”

“We’d better get the rest of the stuff,” she said, heading toward the door. “You all heading back with me?”

“Oi, there was a lot of Kurama’s stuff left,” Kuwabara reminded her. “There won’t be enough room in the car.”

“Why do you have so much stuff?” Hiei asked his taller friend quietly.

Kurama winked. “Pack rat. You remember my den right?” His voice was just as quiet.

“I couldn’t see anything. The overgrowth kind of ruined the experience.” Hiei smirked as Kurama looked away with a guilty expression.

“Hey, you gonna add us in on your conversation?” Yuusuke said, grinning madly. “Or perhaps it’s something private, ne?”

“Moron,” Hiei accused. “You and Kuwabara go with Shiori, then.”

Yuusuke waved, following Shiori out. He was still grinning. “Okay, we’ll leave you alone so you can *talk.* Don’t have too much fun!”

Kurama was silently thankful that his mother knew Yuusuke liked to crack jokes about him and Hiei, or else she might run to the wrong conclusions. She knew Hiei wasn’t a child, not with that deep voice, but all the same!

“Bye, Shrimp!”

Hiei’s eyes filled with malice. “I know where you live, ningen.”

Kuwabara gulped and followed Yuusuke out quickly.

Kurama rolled his eyes. “You two can’t help yourselves, can you?”

Hiei grunted and looked around the room. “What if you’re attacked, Kurama? These houses are close together. The ningens next door will hear you fighting.”

“I promise to run then,” Kurama said, silently pleased that his friend cared enough to say, in his own way, that he worried about his welfare. “Besides, if I’m out on my own, maybe Shiori won’t be attacked also.”

“Do you always have to be so noble?”

“It comes with the company I keep,” Kurama shot back, smile wide.

Hiei deigned him a smile in return, then finally sat his box on the floor. “You’re not taking all this back to the Makai when you return, are you? I’m not helping you haul all this crap again.”

“Well, some of it I might want,” Kurama admitted. “A lot of it is clothes, and those I won’t need.”

“You’re going to walk around naked?”

Kurama rolled his eyes again. “Crazy! I know you’ve been hanging around Yuusuke and Kuwabara too much when you start to sound like them.”

“Don’t say such things.” Hiei opened the box and began nosing around inside. He found a small jar of seeds, locally Ningenkai, and inspected them. He had no idea what they were of course, but it would bug Kurama all the same. “I’ll have nightmares.”

“Crazy. And leave my stuff alone.”

“Can’t make me.”

Kurama sighed.

“Yo!” said a new voice. “Where are Yuusuke and Kuwabara?”

Hiei’s expression turned dark. Kurama turned to greet the junior god solemnly. “Hello, Koenma. They aren’t here right now, but they’ll be back in a minute.”

“You’re here about that endurance thing, aren’t you?” Hiei demanded. He rose to stand right beside Kurama, folding his arms over his compact chest. Indeed, he did look menacing. He was so good at that.

“Yes! How long will they be? We don’t have all day.” Koenma sat down on one of the larger boxes. It wasn’t taped strongly enough though, so it ended up caving in on him and he fell inside.

Hiei smirked widely.

Kurama went to help the godling up. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, of course!” Koenma stuck his pacifier back in his mouth, which had fallen in the excitement. “Damn that Botan! She should be the one doing this.”

Hiei’s eyes narrowed. “Where is Miss Sunshine, anyway?”

“She’s with Keiko and Shizuru on some girl shopping trip. She didn’t go into details.” The godling huffed.

Hiei looked up at Kurama. “Death can take a day off?” The redhead shrugged.

They heard the car pull up in the driveway. Kurama felt his pulse quicken.

“We can’t let Mother see him!” he told Hiei quickly.

The fire demon nodded and grabbed the godling. He stuffed him in the new refrigerator, which had come with the place. Koenma banged against the door. “Quiet! How would we explain you anyway? You couldn’t pretend to be a real toddler if your immortality depended on it.”

“Inari, Hiei. I can’t believe you stuffed Koenma in my -” Kurama cut himself off as Koenma suddenly went silent.

Hiei blinked up at him. “Do you think he left?” Well, even if he was only Junior, he was still a god.

Kurama shrugged. They heard the front door open.

“Shuiichi, we’re back!” Shiori called. “Kuwabara-kun was right, we just barely managed to get the rest of it! Where are you?”

“We didn’t interrupt anything, did we?” Yuusuke joked.

“Go!” Hiei ordered, pushing Kurama with his free hand out of the kitchen. The redhead half-Youko rushed to greet his mother and friends.

“Oi, where’s the Shrimp?” Kuwabara asked, twisting his head to look around. He looked behind himself quickly to make sure the little Youkai wasn’t sneaking up on him.

Kurama paused in caution but found it was unneeded. Hiei walked out of the kitchen, hands in the pockets of the tight jeans he wore. “Right here, idiot. You took too long. I was getting bored.” Deliberately he met Kurama’s entrancing green eyes, shrugged his shoulder slightly, and they widened in understanding.

“Well, I’ll leave you boys to it then,” Shiori said, ready to leave and head back home. She rose to peck a kiss on Kurama’s cheek. “If you need anything else give me a call, okay?”

“Of course. Drive safely.” He managed to make his voice sound even, but inside he was still getting over his surprise. Shiori said goodbye to the other boys in the room then left. Kurama whirled on Hiei.

“I opened it up and he was gone,” Hiei confirmed aloud. He shrugged again.


“What are you two talking about?” Yuusuke asked, eyes narrowing. “Who’s gone?”

“Koenma,” Kurama explained. “He came to collect us for another of those damned fics.”

“Crap!” Kuwabara cursed. “This sucks; I don’t want to do that today. Stupid toddler.”

“Can’t we revolt or something?” Yuusuke asked, just as miffed. Koenma suddenly appeared in the room once more.

“No, you can’t; and you, don’t call me a toddler; and you, don’t manhandle me and stuff me into refrigerators. Now, are you all ready?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that?” Hiei asked, temper high. “How can we possibly be ready for your torture? It’s the most idiotic -”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Koenma hurried them to the theatre before the Fire Demon could finish.

*

- Reikai -

“It’s a non-Yaoi today,” Koenma explained as the boys got their popcorn, soda, candy and other fine things to fatten them up and turn them into human mush. Hell, even Hiei was grabbing a drink - fruit punch with a lot of sugar.

“Damn, can’t pick on the Youkai today,” Yuusuke simpered, then grinned at Hiei. “But that won’t save you.”

“I’m shaking in my boots.”

“You’re wearing shoes today, Hiei.”

“And they hurt. How do you wear these things?”

“Actually,” Kurama said thoughtfully, pushing the button to have cream soda fill his plastic cup, “when we bought them they fit. It could be that they shrunk in the wash.”

Hiei gave him a look. “I’m not letting you do my laundry again, not if you use those stupid machines every time.” When the spin cycle came on he’d stared at the thing, either contemplating an attack or wondering if it would destroy his clothing.

*

- Theatre -

[Sitting from left to right, as last time: Kuwabara, Yuusuke, Hiei, then Kurama.]

Kuwa: Oi, we gotta have a game plan. No destroying property no matter how bad it gets. Alright?
Hiei: I don’t have to listen to you.
Kurama: Lord Enma wasn’t exactly pleased. Even though it wasn’t any trouble to make a new theatre, we did cause trouble.
Yuusuke: I’m with Hiei, let’s burn it down again.
Hiei: [smirks]
Kurama: Please?
Yuusuke: [exchanges a look with Hiei] Alright, alright. If that’s what you really want.
Kurama: Thank you. Hiei?
Hiei: Whatever.

>Neko

Kuwa: A kitty? This can’t be so bad then.
Kurama: We wouldn’t be reading it if it wasn’t, Kuwabara.
Yuusuke: Maybe it’s about Hiei. You said he looks like a cat.
Hiei: I’m not wearing a furry suit; I don’t care what you say.

>By Rose Thorne

Hiei: [smirks at Kurama] Fan of yours?
Kurama: How should I know?

>~~STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY!!~~

Kuwa: Huh? What disclaimers?
Kurama: It’s normal for fics to start out with the author claiming that they don’t own the fiction and characters they are writing about, in case the actual owner finds and reads it.
Kuwa: [still confused anyway] Oh.

>Chapter One
>Hiei was bored.

Hiei: I already have a problem with this.
Yuusuke: Yeah?
Hiei: I don’t get bored. I either sleep or do kata as a way to avoid being bored.
Yuusuke: Or you go find Kurama.
Hiei: Ye - [stops himself]
Yuusuke: [smirks]
Kurama: So soon?
Yuusuke: I’m getting so good at it.

>He was walking (yes, walking)

Hiei: That’s what I have legs for.
Kurama: It’s not like he has wings or anything.
Yuusuke: [grins] But if he did have wings, I could make a whole bunch of angel jokes!
Kurama: If you’re thinking about Kaworu Nagisa…
Yuusuke: [laughs softly]

>through the streets of Tokyo, trying to find something to do.

Hiei: Kata and sleep.
Yuusuke: Or find Kurama.
Hiei: To spar with!
Yuusuke: Is that what you Youkai call it?
Hiei: [throws up his hands in despair]

>He had spent a small part of his morning scaring Kuwabara (not that that's much of a feat)

Hiei: [laughs softly as the said ningen sputters]

>by masking his ki signiture until he was directly behind the Fool,

Hiei: Note the capital.
Kuwa: Shut up, Shrimp!
Hiei: Make me.
Kurama: Quiet, both of you.
Hiei: [sardonically] Anything you say, mother.

>then briefly flashing his youki and disappearing before Kuwabara had the chance to whirl and catch him.

Hiei: And why would I do something so fruitless?
Yuusuke: [melodramatically] Because you’re Bored!
Hiei: [sighs softly] Why am I the victim in these things?
Kurama: You’re cute and the fangirls love you.
Yuusuke: Aw, you said he was cute!
Kurama: Shush, you.

>After about ten times of Hiei doing this, then watching his reaction from a short distance away, the ningen had gotten so freaked that he'd retreated to his school.

Yuusuke: Why? There’s nothing there to save him if Hiei really did want to kill him.
Kuwa: That is not me!
Yuusuke: He has your name.
Kuwa: It’s those pod people, Urameshi!
Yuusuke: Why would pod people go after you? There’s no point.
Kuwa: [glares] Urameshi…

>And he claims that he hates school. Che!

Both humans: Of course he hates school!
Kurama: [shakes his head] You know, if you just applied yourself a little harder and didn’t fight with your teachers -
Yuusuke: What are you talking about? You’ll die on an ulcer if you keep up your schedule. I’m not following your example.
Hiei: [frowns] Kurama, why would you want to kill yourself to get smarter? You must know most of the stuff they’re teaching you anyway.
Kurama: He’s joking, Hiei. I’m dedicated, but I don’t actually worry about my education.
Hiei: Good. It’d be sad if you died in such a stupid way.

>After that, he'd visited Kurama briefly at his new apartment.

Kurama: What a coincidence.
Yuusuke: [creepily] There are no coincidences, Kurama…
Hiei: It’s a house.
Kuwa: What is?
Hiei: Kurama’s, you idiot!
Kuwa: Oh, right.

>The kitsune had given him some ningen money before leaving for work. 'Don't use Makai money in the Ningenkai anymore, Hiei,' he'd said.

Kurama: Now that’s just silly. He knows better than that.
Hiei: Yeah. And what I need in the Ningenkai I can make you buy for me.
Kurama: Gee, you’re welcome.
Yuusuke: I’m still amazed at how you got him whipped.
Kurama: Shut up.

>'You may think that ningens are stupid,

Hiei: [lets out a barking laugh]
Kurama: Hiei, stop it.

>but after a while, they'll get suspicious,

Hiei: All of you are paranoid?
Yuusuke: Not like Kuwabara.
Kuwa: Only when it comes to you, Shrimp.
Hiei: Hn.

>especially since the Ningenkai doesn't even have that kind of metal.

Hiei: What kind of metal?
Yuusuke: *That* kind of metal.
Hiei: Oh.

>And you know how Koenma gets about that kind of thing.'

Yuusuke: [starts whistling]
Kurama: He’s monitoring us. Don’t say it.
Yuusuke: I know. It’s so painful holding it in though.

>Che! Like I care what the Infant thinks! Hiei growled at the flimsy paper money, then sighed. Might as well spend it, he thought, shrugging.

Hiei: What would I want in the Ningenkai?
Yuusuke: Kurama! Buy something nice for Kurama!
Hiei: [sighs]
Kurama: We’re about to find out, whatever it may be.

>He stopped to buy an ice cream cone from a vendor.

Kurama: And your loyal fan base seems to think you live off of “Sweet Snow.”
Hiei: I just like sugar. Sweet Snow has a lot of it.
Kuwa: What’s your Jagan feel like when you get a brain freeze?
Hiei: Like hell.
Kurama: Don’t eat so fast next time.

>The vendor stared at him. "Hey, kid, shouldn't you be in school? Where're your parents?"

Hiei: None of your fucking business!!
Kurama: It’s okay, Hiei, calm down.

>Hiei growled at the man. "I am not a child. Just give me the damn ice cream and shut the hell up!"

Yuusuke: The Youkai and His Sweet Snow: A Love Story.
Kuwa: That just makes me think of American Pie.
Kurama: [has a mental image of *that* and falls over laughing]

>"Okay, okay! Seesh!"

Kurama: Sheesh.

>The vendor handed him the chocolate cone. "That'll be 110 yen." Hiei paid the ningen and left.

Hiei: Just the cone? Where’s the sweet snow?
Yuusuke: “Where’s the cream filling?”

>"Oi, Hiei!" he heard an obnoxiously familiar voice call.

Yuusuke: I thought Kuwabara was in school.
Kuwa: Urameshi!

>The green-clad ningen ran up to him. "What's up?"

Yuusuke: [wide eyed] Me?!
Kuwa: [laughs out loud]

>"Hn. What do you want?" Hiei growled.

Kurama: [Yuusuke] To take you away from this place, little Youkai…
Yuusuke: WHAT?!
Kurama: Revenge, Yuusuke, is very sweet.

>Yuusuke grinned and stretched. "Nuthin'. Just bored."

Kuwa: This story has a theme…
Kurama: [Yuusuke] You’re bored, I’m bored. What do you say, Hiei?
Yuusuke: [hides his face]
Hiei: [stares at Kurama]

>"Go bug someone else." Hiei commented acidly, then grinned nastily. "Like Kuwabara. I guarantee he's at school." He started on his ice cream.

Kurama: [Yuusuke] I’d much rather spend my time with you, Hiei…
Hiei: You can quit now.
Yuusuke: Yeah!
Kurama: [grins]

>Yuusuke grinned even wider and shrugged. "Naw. You're more fun.

Kurama: [is about to say something but Hiei covers his mouth]

>He just sits there claiming that he's a man..." The ningen laughed.

Kuwa: Hey! I AM a man! How dare you -
Yuusuke: Not real, Kuwabara.
Hiei: [murmurs] It’s close though.
Kuwa: What was that, Shrimp?!
Hiei: You’re hearing voices. It wasn’t me.

>"Speaking of Kuwabara, he was kinda freaked this morning.

Yuusuke: That’s not too unusual.
Kuwa: Hey!

>You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" Hiei shrugged and continued to eat his ice cream.

Yuusuke: You know, that *is* how you act, Hiei. You deny everything.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: I mean, how do we know you’re not denying your true feelings about Kurama?
Hiei: [throws his empty cup at Yuusuke]

>"He said that he was being followed by someone with very strong youki. I know it was you. Why'd ya do that? Not that I care."

Yuusuke: If I don’t care, why am I asking?
Kurama: You’re interested in everything your secret crush is doing?
Yuusuke: Not like you of course. You *always* know what Hiei’s doing.
Hiei: [who happens to be sitting in between them] If you ladies want I can go and you could be alone.
[Kurama and Yuusuke glare at him]

>"No reason. Just bored," Hiei commented, deliberately using Yuusuke's words.

Hiei: That isn’t exactly what he said. He said, “Nuttin’. Just bored.”
Kurama: Oh, I missed that? Nothing or Nothin’.
Yuusuke: Does it matter?
Kurama: Not really, no.

>The fire demon began to eat the sugar cone.

Hiei: Mmm, sugar…
Yuusuke: He’s addicted to it, isn’t he?
Kurama: You just noticed?

>Yuusuke grinned at Hiei's answer. "Ne, Hiei, could you keep doing that?

Kurama: [Yuusuke] It feels so good…
Yuusuke: Now who’s the Hentai?!
Kurama: Just look at it this way. I’m older and I have more experience.
Yuusuke: Then Hiei would be much happier with you.
Kurama: He’d get along better with you.
Yuusuke: Keiko would kill him. Face it; you two were made for each other.
Hiei: Both of you just shut the hell up.
[Kuwabara is trying not to laugh]

>Me'n Kuwabara have a little bet going.

Yuusuke: We always have a bet going.
Kuwa: Don’t we have one on Hiei and Kurama?
Hiei: You bet on us?!
Kurama: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder what about…

>Whoever manages to get away with ditching the most school wins." The boy's grin widened even further. "The prize is a bunch of pornos!"

Yuusuke: I already have a bunch of porn.
Kuwa: Just don’t let Keiko find any of it.
Yuusuke: You wouldn’t believe the number of times she’s come close.
Kuwa: Eek.

>Hiei finished the cone. "What's in it for me?" He wiped the remaining ice cream from his face in a motion so fast that Yuusuke didn't notice the movement.

Yuusuke: Aw, that’s so cute, getting it all over your face.
Kurama: [thinks about that a minute] You’re not talking about ice cream, are you?
Yuusuke: [smirks]

>The green-clad ningen smirked. "You want some pornos, ne?"

Hiei: No! Definitely not!
Yuusuke: He doesn’t need it, he has Kurama. And you can’t say he has me, Kurama, because I’m sure he’d much rather look at *you* because I’ve caught him stealing glances at you -
Hiei: You will die, Urameshi.
Yuusuke: Eventually, yes.

>Hiei glared at him disgustedly. "Why would I want a bunch of pictures of moronic, naked ningen?"

Hiei: Yeah, they’re all ugly and idiotic-looking.
Kuwa: Come and say that to my face, you Shrimp!
Kurama: Hiei, don’t.
Hiei: I wasn’t going to. I’m too tired right now.

>Yuusuke laughed loudly, making passers-by stare.

Kurama: That’s not unusual.
Yuusuke: [scratches his head] Well, no…

>"I knew you'd say something like that! Lemme think."

Hiei: [exchanges a smirk with Kurama] Well, now, this I’ve got to see!
Kurama: Hell must have frozen over.
Hiei: The apocalypse approaches.
Yuusuke: Ha ha, you guys.

>"Che! There's a first." Hiei carefully kept his face expressionless as Yuusuke stopped walking.

Hiei: I agree with him!
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>The green-clad ningen glared at the sanjiyan for a moment,

Hiei: The what?!
Kuwa: Did she just call him a Saiya-jin?
Koenma’s voice: No, Sanjiyan means three-eyed demon. The author meant to call him that.
Hiei: Oh… [thinks about it] I like it.
Kurama: [nods in agreement]
Yuusuke: But wouldn’t it be weird if Hiei was a Saiya-jin?
Kuwa: No, it’d be scary.

>then shrugged and chuckled. "I guess I deserved that one. Ne, Shorty?"

Hiei: Yes.
Kurama: Every minute of it.
Yuusuke: You guys are great pals, you know that?

>Hiei glanced at him casually, making sure that Yuusuke noticed him fingering the hilt of his katana.

Yuusuke: That a katana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Kurama: [snickers]

>"I guarantee that if I kill you, you'll stay dead," he mentioned nonchalantly.

Yuusuke: I want to see a music video of our show to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.”
Kurama: What brought this on?
Yuusuke: From all the times we die or almost die.
Hiei: Actually, I don’t want to kill Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Oh, Hiei! That’s so sweet, I love you too!
Hiei: On second thought…

>Yuusuke grinned lopsidedly. "I get the point."

Kuwa: Sounds like you’re doing something, Urameshi.
Yuusuke: I’m sorry. [turns to Hiei] I think we have to call it off. I mean, I can’t keep you away from Kurama. It’s not right. You two belong together.
Hiei: [stares at him like he’s lost his mind]

>Hiei shrugged and took his hand away from the weapon. "I know! If you help me win the bet, I'll buy you an ice cream cone every day for a month.

Kurama: Missing end quotes.
Hiei: Mmm, Sweet Snow…
Yuusuke: Is there a rehab we can send him to?

>The fire demon's red eyes took on an evil gleam as he considered. "Two months," Hiei countered.

Yuusuke: Do I look like a bank to you?
Hiei: No, you look like an annoying ningen.

>"Done!" Yuusuke grabbed the Jaganshi's hand and shook it, then laughed. "Ah, ha ha! (yes, that's how he sounds) I'm going to win this bet for sure!"

Hiei: That desperate for a fight, Yuusuke? Just take Kuwabara behind the school and beat the crap out of him.
Yuusuke: I don’t know what that guy’s problem up there is, but it’s not me.

>A few ningen turned to look at them, and Hiei's sensitive ears heard one of them mutter something about Yuusuke taking advantage of a kid.

Kuwa: [cracks up]
Kurama: See, Yuusuke? Admit it, you *do* want Hiei.
Yuusuke: As soon as you do.
Kurama: [smiles] Okay, I want to have sex with Hiei.
Hiei: [stares at him]
Yuusuke: Sorry, I’m not into that. I think I’ll pass. [Kurama hits him with a plastic cup]

>The fire demon smirked and kept quiet about it. "Baka," he insulted the green-clad ningen.

Yuusuke: But it’s good that you finally admit your feelings.
Kurama: I know where you live, Yuusuke.
Hiei: It’s good for all three of you that I’m not taking anything that happens here seriously.
Kurama: Thank you.

>"Oi-!" Hiei disappeared before Yuusuke could say anything more. The fire demon stopped in a park about a mile away and jumped into the oversized oak tree that he usually slept in.

Kurama: You sleep in an oak?
Hiei: I want to know how I jumped into the tree. Did I just jump and land on one of the limbs or did I jump *into* the tree?
Kuwa: [imagines Hiei crashing into a tree and starts laughing]

>He chose his usual perch and leaned against the trunk, letting one leg dangle over the side of the branch.

Yuusuke: Hiei, you *are* a cat.
Kuwa: If he gets stuck up there, should we call the fire department?
Yuusuke: Nah, don’t even wait for him to get stuck up there. Call the fire department and scare the crap out of him.
Hiei: Then I would hunt you down and… No, better yet, I’d tell Keiko about your porn.
Yuusuke: [wide eyed]

>The sanjiyan reached into a hidden pocket of his cloak and counted the remainder of the ningen money. He had over 600 yen left. Che! Stupid fox gave me too much ningen money!

Kurama: That last bit should have been in italics or something.
Koenma’s voice: That might have been my fault, just ignore it.
Yuusuke: I still say you should buy Kurama a gift, Hiei.
Hiei: Hn. I’ll buy him shoes that won’t fit.
Kurama: You know that’s technically not my fault…

>Hiei shrugged, then took his stash of Makai money from another hidden pocket.

Yuusuke: How many pockets do you have in that cloak?
Hiei: Not *that* many. Only two.
Kuwa: Maybe he has a vortex in his cloak or something…

>He counted that and found that he had more than enough to buy himself a new katana. His old one had been ruined on the last Reikai Tantei mission that the Infant had sent them on.

Hiei: Koenma should provide replacements.
Yuusuke: Ha!
Hiei: Besides, I stole this one.
Kurama: A little louder, I don’t think a few people in the Makai heard you.
Hiei: It was in the Makai I stole it.
Kurama: Oi.
Hiei: And it was before I joined up with you and Gouki. It’s lasted me that long. Good pick, ne?
Kurama: [sighs] Yes, yes.
[technically this it not so, because it broke during the dark tournament, but as I hadn’t seen that episode when I wrote this, just ignore that fact]

>Fortunately for Koenma, Hiei had been considering replacing it anyway because it was more than ten years old.

Hiei: No it’s not. I don’t think I’ve even known Kurama that long…
Yuusuke: That’s so sweet! That katana is as old as your friendship.
Hiei: Hn.

>The fire demon needed to go to the Makai to get material for a new cloak anyway. His old one was well-worn and becoming ratty.

Hiei: Ratty? My shirts are not ratty!
Kurama: No, they’re scorched.

>The fire demon heard a rustling noise in some nearby bushes, but ignored it. A female long-haired cat had had a litter of five kittens there a few weeks before.

Kuwa: We finally get to the kitties! Alright!
Yuusuke: [hangs his head in embarrassment]

>The tiny creatures had recently gained use of their legs, and obviously liked to play, from how noisy they were. Hiei did turn when he heard a snicker from the same direction. The Jaganshi opened his third eye and Felt through the bushes.

Hiei: As opposed to just getting up and walking over there.
Kurama: Did you take off your ward before you did that?
Hiei: I hope so, or else this means it’s not working…

>The adult female lay still, her skull crushed, obviously dead.

Kuwa: Hey! That’s mean! Who killed the poor momma kitty? Was it you, Hiei?
Hiei: How should I know?
Kurama: He’s done some cruel things but I know he wouldn’t kill innocent creatures. Goes against that complex code of his.
Hiei: Thank you.
Yuusuke: No it wasn’t him; it was whoever was snickering…
Hiei: How do you know?
Yuusuke: Just a guess.

>Three of her young lay nearby, most of the bones in their fragile bodies broken, also dead.

Kuwa: Awww… I’m gonna beat the living daylights out of whoever did that. Poor, innocent kitties.
Yuusuke: If most of the bones in their body are broken, it means they’re dead, yes. You can just run to that conclusion logically.
Kurama: And of course you have experience in that area.
Yuusuke: Look who’s talking.

>A fourth one, pure white, was nosing at its mother, mewing pitifully. It was uninjured. The final kitten, a black one, was in a ningen teenager's hands, some of its bones already broken. Another ningen was watching, obviously amused by the small creature's struggling and mews of pain.

Yuusuke: Yeah, I’d beat them up. I don’t care how young they are.
Kurama: [sighs] I’m not sure if I should stop you or not.
Hiei: Everyone, try to remember that this is only a story. Not real.
Kuwa: It’s a stupid story.
Hiei: You’re just mad about the cat thing.

>Hiei had jumped from the tree and grabbed the kitten from the boy's hand, along with the other one from the ground before he knew what he was doing. The two teenagers stared at him for a moment, startled. "Only cowards attack something helpless."

Hiei: For some reason, I’m remembering Bakuken.
Kurama: [groans softly]
Yuusuke: Don’t worry; I beat that asshole up for you.

>The larger ningen's face screwed up in anger, and he started to advance. "Look, shrimp-"

Hiei: I’m getting *really* tired of that shrimp thing.
Yuusuke: Maybe you’d better lay off for a while, Kuwabara.
Kuwa: I can’t help it.

>Hiei growled dangerously and moved his cloak aside to make the hilt of his katana visible.

Yuusuke: That a katana in your pocket, Hiei?
Hiei: [sighs]

>"I suggest you leave before I kill you." The two humans gulped, backing away. Then they turned and ran. "Hn. Cowards."

Yuusuke: [Wufei Chang] How can you be such a coward?
Kurama: His fight with Treize right?
Yuusuke: Yeah.

>The fire demon hadn't planned on hurting them; incurring the Infant's wrath was definitely not his idea of a good time.

Hiei: Forget the infant, do it anyway.
Kurama: You leave me alone here and I’ll go to the Reikai jail Koenma puts you in and beat the snot out of you.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - you two are so weird.

>Hiei winced slightly and looked down as the white kitten clawed his hand.

Hiei: Ow.

>It squirmed, mewing in distress. Sighing, Hiei carefully put it into a large pocket of his cloak.

Yuusuke: You mean the vortex in his cloak.

>He glanced at the other kitten. It was entirely black except for a tiny tuft of white fur in the center of its forehead.

Kuwa: He’s got another clone!
Yuusuke: Hiei, stop replicating.

>The kitten wasn't moving, except for the weak rise and fall of its tiny chest. Hiei frowned and looked at it through his Jagan. It was seriously injured.

Hiei: As opposed to just looking with my eyes.

>The frown deepened. Why should he care? It was only an animal.

Hiei: It’s defenseless. If I didn’t get it help I’d feel guilty.
Yuusuke: Aw, Hiei has a heart!
Kurama: That makes me think of the Tin Man going to see the wizard…

>Hiei blinked as the kitten mewed weakly. It needed help immediately. The fire demon made a quick decision.

Yuusuke: The white socks or the black ones…?
Hiei: Huh?
Yuusuke: Black!
Hiei: What are you talking about?
Kurama: Don’t mind him, he’s losing it. The fic’s driving him mad.
Yuusuke: [Cheshire Cat] We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.

>Yukina! he thought, and was gone.

Hiei: Huh? What about Yukina?
Kurama: You’re taking the kittens to Yukina.
Hiei: Good, I don’t want them.

>* * *

Yuusuke: [singing] Drowning in your dream/ A rushing companion, this will be the road of tomorrow/ I am star light!

>Yukina looked up from her garden as she felt Hiei's ki nearby. She quickly wiped her dirt-covered hands on a towel and stood up.

Kuwa: Her hands aren’t covered with dirt! They’re lovely, very clean hands!
Hiei: Idiot, she was working in the garden.
Kuwa: Oh.

>Hiei-san hasn't visited in a while. I wonder...has he found my brother for me yet?

Kurama: Oh, he’ll find your brother for you. Uh huh.
Hiei: Shut up, Kurama.

>Yukina filled with excitement, but also with worry. She still wished that Hiei were her brother, but she supposed he wasn't since he had never said anything.

Kurama: See?! Hiei, she wants you to be in her life. Just tell her.
Hiei: It’s none of your goddamned business, Kurama.
Kurama: Is too, since you’ve included me in your life.
Hiei: It’s my decision.
Yuusuke: If you don’t mind, the text is still going. Just read it and we can get out of here. Then you can yell at each other.
Kuwa: You’d swear they were married or something.

> I already know him, and love him. It would be so wonderful if he were my brother.

[Hiei covers Kurama’s mouth before he can say anything, glaring vehemently]

>Hiei appeared a few yards from her. "Hiei-san! I'm so glad you came to visit me!"

Kurama: [hums]
Hiei: Not a word.
Kurama: [licks his hand, which is still covering his mouth]
Hiei: [blushes and pulls away in a flash]

>Hiei frowned. "Yukina-san, I need your help."
>Yukina blinked. "With what?" Hiei held up the kitten. "Oh, dear! How horrible!" she whispered as she saw how injured it was. She healed it immediately. "What happened to it?"

Yuusuke: Got caught in a blender.
Kuwa: Urameshi!
Kurama: You have this thing about blenders don’t you? Like a fanon!Farfarello…
Yuusuke: [raspberries]

>"Some ningens were torturing it. They killed three others and the mother before I found them."
>The Koorime girl blinked at Hiei. He saved the kitten? He really does care, even if he tries to hide it.

Yuusuke: Yup! That’s what we love about him. [grabs Hiei and musses his hair]
[The Fire Demon glares grim death at him]

>"I'm glad you saved it," she said aloud. "May I hold it?" Hiei shrugged and handed the animal to her. It immediately began to yowl.

Yuusuke: Wasn’t she already holding it?
Hiei: When did I take it back? *Why* would I take it back?

>As soon as she gave it back to the fire demon, the yowling stopped. Yukina giggled. "I think it thinks you're its mother, Hiei-san."

Yuusuke: That proves it, Hiei. You’re really a cat.
Hiei: Shut up.

>Hiei scowled at the kitten. "Stupid cat!" Something wriggled inside his cloak. The fire demon flinched.
>Yukina cocked her head curiously. "What's wrong, Hiei-san?"

Yuusuke: [Yukina] That a kitten in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Hiei: [hits him]

>Hiei pulled out the pure white kitten and held it at arm's length. "Ungrateful wretch!" he muttered at the squirming creature. "This is the other kitten."
>"It's kawaii!" Yukina squealed.

Kuwa: [all googly eyed] So is she!
Hiei: Stop staring at my sister!

>"Hn." Hiei couldn't imagine how this wretched furball could be cute, but he didn't voice his opinion aloud. "You want it?" he asked gruffly, not looking at his sister.
>Yukina stared at him, surprised. "I'd love it, Hiei-san!"

Yuusuke: Aww, what a good brother! Don’t you just feel all warm inside, Hiei?
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: We can go sometime and buy her a real present if you want.
Hiei: [shrugs]

>He handed to her, then held the black kitten up and looked at it. The creature licked the tip of his nose, and he pulled back.
>Scowling, he opened his Jagan. :Why did you do that?: he demanded of the kitten.

Yuusuke: The kitten’s getting frisky.
Kuwa: Urameshi, that’s sick.
Kurama: You’re shameless.
Hiei: I’m going to tell Koenma that we want you booted out of the Reikai Tantei if you keep that up.
Yuusuke: Gees, it was just a joke…

>The kitten sent him a questioning thought. Hiei frowned, then sent a picture of the kitten licking his nose with a questioning air to it.

Yuusuke: Your Jagan’s getting a real workout in this fic.
Hiei: I’m still worried about being able to use it while the ward is in place…

>The kitten sent a strange thought of Hiei licking it back. :I like you!: it thought. :Don't you like me?:

Yuusuke: If he didn’t you’d be dead.
Hiei: [shrugs]

>Hiei blinked. :I don't lick!:

Yuusuke: Yes you do! We’ve seen you lick your wounds!
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: [tries to get *that* mental picture out of his head]

>he snarled at it. The kitten sent a sad thought at him, and he hastily added. :But I like you.:

All: [sarcastically] Awww.

>:You be strange creature. What be you?:

Yuusuke: Why does everyone I meet talk funny?
Hiei: You attract strange people, Urameshi. Deal with it.

>:A fire demon.:

Yuusuke: And a half Koorime and a Jaganshi and … probably a few other things, but he’s not talking.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: I read once that someone wrote you as part dragon.
Hiei: Dragon?! I don’t want to know…

>:Name, name?:

Kurama: He only has one.
Yuusuke: That we know of.

>:Hiei. You?:
>:No name. Mother die before me be named. Dead brother Gingivere. I like that name.:
>:Gingivere then. What is other kitten's name?: he asked.

Kurama: Sounds like Gwenevere.
Yuusuke: Name the other Lancelot and we’ll have a theme!
Kurama: That comes close to Star Wars fans naming their kids Luke and Leia. Close but not quite…

>:Snow.: came the answer.
>Hiei broke off contact and turned to Yukina. "Gingivere says that your kitten is named Snow."

Yuusuke: Notice Yuki makes up half her name, and it means snow.
Kurama: Of course.
Yuusuke: And Yukito in Cardcaptor Sakura. Kero always calls Yuki “snow rabbit.”
Kurama: Why did you watch Sakura? It’s kind of a girl’s show.
Yuusuke: But it’s Clamp. Doesn’t count if it’s Clamp.
Kuwa: I like that nickname. Can we call Yukina that?
Hiei: She’s as gentle as a rabbit.
Kuwa: Yeah!

>Yukina blinked. "Arigato, Hiei-san! How did you know?"
>"My Jagan." The fire demon suppressed a wince as Gingivere clawed his way up to his shoulder, then looked at it with his Jagan. :You could've asked, you know!:
>:Sorry. You were busy...:

Kurama: He can’t multitask.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: No, really, you can’t.
Hiei: You can.
Kurama: That’s why I watch your back.
Yuusuke: [makes gagging noises]

>Hiei turned back to Yukina, who was petting her kitten contently. His sister looked at him, her eyes shining happily. "Thank you so much, Hiei-san! You're always so nice to me!" Without warning she rushed over and hugged him gleefully.

Hiei: [shifts in his seat]
Other three: Awww!

>Hiei stared at her as she released him. "I...I wish you were my brother..." she whispered. Then she ducked her head, blushing slightly. "Gomen..."

Kurama: Well, Yukina, your wish would be granted if Hiei would just open his mouth.
Hiei: Fat chance.
Kurama: I try and I try…

>Hiei shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "S'okay. Enjoy your kitten." He was gone.

Yuusuke: He did that a few minutes ago. He was just gone? Where’d he go?
Hiei: Obviously, I flitted away.
Yuusuke: Then can’t the fic just say that?
Kuwa: Maybe he fell into one of those vortexes.

>He stopped in a tree a few miles from the temple. Gingivere nipped his ear gently, and Hiei looked at it with his Jagan. :What?:
>:Whew! I almost fall!: The kitten cocked his head at Hiei. :She your sister. Why you not tell her?:

Hiei: None of your fucking business!
Kurama: Little kitten, that’s the million dollar question.

>Hiei flinched, trying to avoid the question. Gingivere 'smiled' at him. :She be kin. She not hate you. She say she want you for brother.:

Kurama: Yes, Hiei.
Hiei: Shut up.

>Hiei looked at the cat. :I...don't want her to know. I don't want to corrupt her.:

Kurama: I seriously doubt you can corrupt someone as pure and good as she
is.
Hiei: Hn.

>:You not corrupt her! You make her happy! You think about this, yes?
>Hiei sighed. :Yes...I'll think about it.:

Kurama: I can’t even get him to do that much!
Yuusuke: Buy him a cat then.
Hiei: I don’t want a cat.
Yuusuke: Sorry, I forgot you can pet Kurama whenever you need comfort.
Kurama: [sighs]

>Gingivere licked the fire demon's cheek. :Good. Put me in pocket so I no fall.: Hiei closed his Jagan and put the kitten in his cloak pocket. He headed for Kurama's apartment.

Yuusuke: Why? Because it’s *love.*
Hiei: Maybe I should just go ahead and tell Keiko about those pornos.
Yuusuke: It’s a lovely friendship!
Hiei: [smirks]

>Fortunately, the fox was home. The fire demon entered through the window.

Kurama: Can’t use the door?
Hiei: It would draw attention.
Yuusuke: Um… So’s using the window.
Hiei: Shut up.

>"Hello, Hiei," Kurama said, not bothering to turn around from the stove, where he was cooking something. "Want to stay for dinner?"

Yuusuke: Supper by candlelight, how romantic…
Hiei: Oh, Keiko!
Yuusuke: I didn’t say anything!

>"Hn," Hiei growled.
>Kurama looked at him and chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes.

Kurama: I usually do.
Yuusuke: [laughs out loud]
Hiei: [glares]
Kurama: It’s no use, Hiei. He’s incorrigible.

>Sit down and I'll serve you." As Kurama sat down, Hiei took the kitten from his cloak and set it on the table beside him. Kurama blinked. "That kitten is very young. Where did you get it, Hiei."

Kurama: Needs question mark.
Yuusuke: [Hiei] It fell out of the vortex.

>"Found it," Hiei muttered. "Stupid ningens killed some cats. This was one of the survivors." Kurama set a bowl of milk in front of the kitten, who attacked it ravenously. Hiei looked at the fox seriously. "I need you to do me a favor."

Yuusuke and Kuwabara: [fall over themselves laughing]
Hiei: What kid do I have to watch now?
Kurama: Don’t ask me!

>Kurama sat down and waited for him to continue. "I have to go to the Makai for a few days. I need you to watch Gingivere, because I can't take him with me."
>"Gingivere?" Kurama grinned. Hiei glared at him and the fox smirked. "It's not a problem, but he'll have to stay hidden in the day, when I'm at work. I'm not allowed to have pets."

Yuusuke: Then why do you keep Hiei around?
Kurama: Oi.

>Hiei turned to the cat. :I have to go somewhere for a few days. You will stay here with Kurama. You must stay hidden while he is out, or he will get in trouble.:

Kuwa: Actually, cats don’t listen to anybody. They do whatever they want whenever they want.
Yuusuke: So basically Kurama’s screwed.
Hiei: [raises eyebrow] In more ways than one?
Kurama: Hiei!

>:Righto!:

Kurama: Is it just me, or did this cat go from Old English to slang?
Hiei: Don’t pay any attention.

>Kurama was grinning when Hiei looked back over at him. "What's your problem?" the fire demon growled.

Hiei: He’s a tease.
Kurama: [blushes lightly]
Hiei: Just admit it and we can move on.
Kurama: [mumbles something]
Hiei: [mumbles something back]
Yuusuke: As cute as it is, it’s annoying. Talk so we can all hear.
Hiei: Shut up.

>Kurama shook his head. "Nothing." He glanced at Hiei. "You're getting a new katana, ne?"

Yuusuke: That’s so mean, Kurama, picking on your boyfriend’s size.
Kuwa: You can get implants in the Makai?
Hiei: [scowls and points at his Jagan]
Kurama: I think Kuwabara meant enlargements.
Hiei: [looks at Kuwabara like he’s lost his mind] Enlargements?!
Kurama: It’s a ningen practice.

>Hiei shrugged noncommitally.

Kurama: Noncommittally.
Yuusuke: First spelling error. Go, author!

>Kurama sighed. "I wish I had the time to go with you." Hiei shot him a questioning glance.

Yuusuke: A date, Kurama?
Hiei: I’d better get a hell of a lot better date than going to the Makai to buy a new katana, Kurama.
Kurama: [sighs]
Yuusuke: Dinner and a movie?
Hiei: We’ve already done that.
Kuwa: How about a carnival?
Hiei: [thinks] As long as no clowns start thinking I’m a child and try to sell me a balloon…
Kurama: [hides his face]

>"I need to get a few things."
>Hiei's curiosity got the better of him. "Like what?" he asked gruffly.

Yuusuke: Lubricant.
Kurama and Hiei: [hit him]
Yuusuke: Sorry, that’s something you both need.
[Kurama passes a candy wrapper to Hiei, who throws it at Yuusuke]

>"In the last fight, my Makai clothes were ripped up pretty badly. I need to get some Makai fabric to sew new ones."

Kurama: Makai clothes?
Yuusuke: Those Chinese things you wear, maybe?
Kurama: [shrugs]

>Hiei shrugged. "So take off your silly ningen job.

Kurama: I’m wearing my job?
Hiei: And why would I want you to take it off?
Yuusuke: So you can slip the yen in his underwear!
Hiei: [glares at him] I’m not even bothering with you anymore…

>Kurama sighed. "I can't Hiei, or I would."
>"Che! Your problem," Hiei growled, turning to leave.

Hiei: Actually, you do make me go to the Makai and get you plants.
Kurama: But you never complain.
Hiei: [shrugs]
Kurama: You do *that* but you don’t complain.

>Kurama smiled. "Have fun. And be careful."

Hiei: But how can I have fun *and* be careful?
Kurama: I know better than to say that. Only before a fight.
Yuusuke: Because you worry about him?
Kurama: Of course.
Yuusuke: [smirks]
Kurama: [sighs]

>Hiei scowled and was gone. Kurama pet Gingivere absently, then glanced at the cat. "You'd think he'd say goodbye."

Kurama: No I wouldn’t.
Hiei: Hn.

>The kitten seemed to shrug. :It's his way. No ties. No goodbyes.:

Kurama: It’s psychological. He doesn’t like close ties because he’s afraid of losing people he cares about and can’t deal with the pain. But we became his friends despite his efforts and so it’s just easier not saying goodbye, because saying goodbye would seem like forever and he can’t deal with that.
Hiei: [stares at him] A little louder next time, somebody in the Makai didn’t hear you.
Kuwa: Wow…
Yuusuke: You’ve got him figured out, don’t you?

>Kurama stared at the cat. It's telepathic!

Kuwa: It is?
Yuusuke: When did that happen?
Kurama: Soon.
Yuusuke: How soon?
Kurama: Real soon.

>The fox moaned. "Oh, boy! Koenma's gonna have a fit!"

Yuusuke: He always has a fit. We’ve all learned to ignore him.
Koenma’s voice: Watch it or I’ll make you read a lemon next time!
Hiei: Lemon? I thought you ate those, not read from them.
Kurama: Fan fic term for sex.
Hiei: Sex?!
Yuusuke: You really are a prude, aren’t you?

>:Who the hell's Koenma, and why would he care?: the cat began to clean its paw.

Yuusuke: He’s the toddler making us read this.
Kurama: Yuusuke, I really don’t feel like reading bad porn about me sticking my penis up Hiei’s ass.
Hiei: [turns beet red]
Yuusuke: Okay, okay. Koenma, I’m sorry! There, I said it.
Kuwa: [pats his shoulder]

>Kurama sat down heavily, hoping that Hiei didn't take too long in the Makai.
>:Hey! Fox! I asked you a question!:

Hiei: And he’s ignoring you. I wouldn’t want to talk to a talking cat either.
Kurama: Unless you had to.
Hiei: Yes.

>Hiei wandered through the Makai, heading in the general direction of the swordmaker he knew. I hope this doesn't take too long...

Yuusuke: Oh, how cute, you’re both thinking the same thing!
Kurama: Oi.
Hiei: I thought this was supposed to be non-Yaoi?
Kurama: With Yuusuke around I couldn’t tell.

>After a while he reached the swordmaker's cave. Knowing better than to rush in, the fire demon shouted. "Tayane! Get your ass out here!"

Hiei: Tayane?
Kurama: Original character.
Hiei: Irk… please tell me I don’t tell this guy a story…
Kurama: [pats his shoulder]

>A voice called from inside. "Why the hell should I?"

Yuusuke: [Hiei] I’ll kick your ass if you don’t.

>"It's me, stupid. Hiei. I need a new blade."

Yuusuke: [snickers]
Hiei: [hits him]

>A very short, round youkai waddled out, peering at the fire demon through dirty specs. The demon had bright green hair and twinkling electric-blue eyes. "Hiei, I thought you went to take over the Ningenkai. Heard the Reikai caughtcha!"

Kurama: Caught you. I’ve never seen that slang before anyway…
Hiei: I almost took over the Ningenkai.
Kurama: We know.

>Hiei snorted. "Shaddup old man and make me a new blade!"

Hiei: When did *I* start using slang?
Yuusuke: Soon.
Hiei: How soon?
Yuusuke: Real soon.
Kurama: “Shut up.”

>The demon in front of him chuckled. "Righto, kid. You got the gold?"

Yuusuke: And there’s that “righto” again.
Hiei: What gold?
Kurama: Stop playing innocent. We all know about your funds in the Makai. Koenma didn’t claim all your assets after Yuusuke caught you. You’re a rich little Youkai.
Yuusuke: And heir to Mukuro’s thrown.
Hiei: [smirks]
Kuwa: Oi, Hiei -
Hiei: No, you may not borrow money from me.
Kuwa: Shimatta!

>Hiei tossed him a pouch full of the gold that he had carefully counted out beforehand. "Here, ratface. And don't call me kid!"

Hiei: I’m not a kid.
Kurama: Well, you *are* much younger than I was, but I’ve never called you a kid. Never.
Hiei: You know better.

>Tayane sniggered, easily catching the pouch. "Well, if the shoe fits..."

Hiei: I’ve already talked about this; It doesn’t fit!!
Kurama: I’ll buy you new shoes later…

>He dodged as Hiei threw a fruit at him. "C'mon in, Hiei."

Hiei: And where did I get the fruit?
Kuwa: Out of that vortex!

>The fire demon followed Tayane as he went into the cave, careful to step only where Tayane stepped, having had an unpleasant experience in the past. "Caught any bumbling intruders lately?" he asked with a smirk.
>Tayane snorted. "None as funny as you."

Kurama: Ouch.
Hiei: That reminds me of when you dragged me along with you to your old den.
Kurama: [sighs]
Yuusuke: [interested] What happened?

>Hiei smirked. "You looked pretty funny yourself after I got through with you."

Hiei: They usually do. [smirks]
Kurama: The plant life I’d been raising in the den, before I’d left the Makai, had become overgrown and wild. They didn’t even recognize me as their master at first. When they did, finally, they still attacked Hiei. He ended up chopping them down before I could stop him.
Hiei: I still can’t believe you were more worried about those plants than me.
Kurama: They were innocent plants! That I’d raised from seedlings!
Hiei: *I’m* your only best friend. You can make more plants.
Kurama: [sighs]
Yuusuke: What did you go there for in the first place?
Kurama: Just some old things.
Hiei: Which weren’t even in *that* den. We had to break into another one after he figured that out!
Kurama: [blushes]

>Tayane glared at him. "We decared a truce, as I recall."
>"Only 'cuz I had cash for a blade!" Hiei retorted wryly.

Hiei: And why didn’t I just steal it?
Yuusuke: Felt like being honorable?
Hiei: Hn.

>The youkai shrugged. "What kind of blade d'ya want?"

Yuusuke: [opens his mouth but Kurama covers it quickly]

>"A katana, same as the old one."
>Tatane turned toward him. "And what happened to that old one. Pretty nice
one as I recall."

Kurama: Needs a question mark.
Hiei: It *is* nice, I only get the best.
[Yuusuke snickers again]

>"It got messed up in battle..."

Yuusuke: [falls out of his chair laughing] [Everyone else ignores him]

>"Still a mercenary, eh?" Tayane stoked a fire, then looked over slabs of metal.
>"No," Hiei muttered.
>"What do you do. You must've done something to get out of the Reikai prison." The demon chose a slab and, using tongs, slid it into the fire.

Hiei: Sold my soul to the devil.
Kuwa: Really?!
Kurama: No, he means working for Koenma.
Hiei: Just remember who it was that talked me into it.
Kurama: [smiles] I say you got the better part of the bargain. Koenma can’t put charges against you for other crimes you’ve committed and you became Mukuro’s heir.
Hiei: [thinks] Yes… but it doesn’t mean I have to *like* it.
Kurama: Whatever makes you happy.

>Hiei scowled. "I was never in there..." Tayane glanced at him, curious. "I have to serve my parole as a Reikai Tantei. I'm still not done..."

Hiei: And I probably never will be the way my life is heading…
Kurama: I just remembered something. Does Mukuro know where you are?
Hiei: Of course she does. She put me on leave for the duration of Enma’s stupid torment. Doesn’t mean she likes the idea. I hear the went to Koenma’s office and chewed him out.
Yuusuke: Good for Mukuro. It’s nice to know someone is on our side.
Kuwa: She couldn’t talk him out of it?
Hiei: Obviously not. And I hear she made some pretty good threats too.
Kurama: [smirks] Knowing her, they must have been… rather graphic.
Hiei: [smirks and nods]

>"May the gods help whatever youkai break through the barrier if you're the one who deals with them!" Tayane chuckled. "Fun job?"

Hiei: Depends on your definition of fun.
Kurama: Take that as a yes.
Hiei: [smirks]

>Hiei's face twisted. "Hell no! One moronic humans and two others! They're annoying!"

Kurama: That made little sense.
Yuusuke: Unless you work with him.
Kurama: Should have been something like, “I have to work with one moronic human and two others.” And two other what?
Hiei: [smiles sweetly] Two other morons.
Kurama: [glares at him]
Hiei: [smirks] You’re beautiful when you’re angry.
Kurama: [looks away blushing]
Yuusuke and Kuwabara: [fall over laughing]

>"And you love it," Tayane commented knowingly. Hiei snorted and looked away. "Knew it! Halfbreed finally found a home!"

Hiei: What did he just call me?
Kurama: It’s okay, Hiei, it’s just a story and not real.
Hiei: I’ll show you not real!
Yuusuke: Love I think is too strong. Too much of a commitment with the job and Hiei already has a deeper one with Kurama. You should call off this affair, Hiei.
Hiei: [calms down slightly, grumbling]

>Hiei glared at him. "Old man, if you want to live, I suggest you don't call me that!"

Hiei: I agree.
Kurama: Not real. You can’t kill him.
Hiei: Unless the me in the story does it.

>Tayane ignored him, pulling the blade from the fire and hammering at it. "You still found a home, and friends. Congrats, kid!"

Yuusuke: [smirks] Of course he did. [musses the Fire Demon’s hair again]
Kurama: [shakes his head and Hiei glares]
Kuwa: We’re Hiei’s family?
Kurama: The first people to ever accept him for who he is and what he is and to care.
Hiei: [blushes and looks away]
Yuusuke: [simpers] That just makes me feel so special!
Hiei: Hn.

>Hiei frowned. "Whatever..." He sat on a stool and leaned against the wall. "How long's this gonna take?"
>"You can't rush art, kid!"

Yuusuke: Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Hiei: A sword isn’t Rome.

>Hiei woke from a light doze as Tayane moved toward him.

Hiei: Huh? How did I fall asleep?
Kurama: The fic made you pass out.

>The youkai grinned. "Nice sleep? You musta been real tired. You didn't
even wake up when I moved you!"

Yuusuke: [falls over laughing] Hiei, I know you have better taste in men than this guy!!
Hiei: Ick.

>Hiei sat up, finding himself on a rock,

Yuusuke: [laughs out loud]

>covered by a blanket. "Kisama! You drugged me!" he accused.

Yuusuke: [holds his side in pain, still laughing] Date rape! Oh, my ribs…
Kuwa: I agree with Urameshi, Shrimp. Kurama’s much better for you.
Hiei: [is pointedly ignoring them]

>Tayane chuckled. "Not my fault you always sit in the same spot!

Kurama: He can sleep anywhere.
Yuusuke: Like a cat! [still laughing]

>Besides, you looked tired. You never do get enough sleep! Fuckin' trainoholic!"

Hiei: I’m addicted to trains? I hate ningen transportation.
Kurama: He does get enough sleep, actually. Don’t ask me how, sleeping in trees like he does.
Hiei: I don’t always sleep in a tree you know.
Kurama: Only if I can’t talk you into coming inside.
Yuusuke: He’s slept over at your house? How cute!

>The youkai handed him a scabbard. "You slept for a whole two days. Used a bit too much gas, I think. Here's your sword."

Yuusuke: Ew, fat man farted.
Hiei: No wonder I passed out.
Kurama: Something that kept Hiei out for two days? Must have been some stuff.

>"Asshole!" Hiei studied the sword. It's handle was black with a blue Jagan etched into the end. The sheath was very strong and well-made. Hiei unsheathed the blade. The base of the katana had a splendid dragon carefully etched into the metal.

Yuusuke: You were saying something about being part dragon?
Kurama: [steals a glance at Hiei] I have my suspicions, truthfully.
Hiei: Kurama!
Kurama: It would explain the temper.
Hiei: I’ll show you temper…
Kurama: I’ve seen it before, lots of times.

>Hiei grabbed his moneypouch from his cloak and flipped Tayane

Yuusuke: Off.

>an extra two coins. "Nice work. I woulda paid you more, but you drugged me." The Jaganshi clipped the scabbard to his belt.

Kurama: You’re still using slang.
Hiei: It’s a conspiracy.

>Tayane shrugged. "You would've drove me up a wall! 'Is it done yet?' Besides, this way I got to have fun with my work." The demon glared at Hiei. "Unlike last time!"

Yuusuke: [Hiei] Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Hiei: [stares at him]
Kuwa: What kind of fun?
Hiei: Ick.
Yuusuke: It’s okay, Hiei. We all know you’re into willowy redheads.
Hiei: [glares]

>Hiei smirked. "Right, old man." Hiei rose and looked at Tayane, waiting for him to lead the way out.
>The demon did. "Hiei?" The fire demon turned. "That blade better last you at least 15 years, got it!" Hiei smirked and was gone.

Hiei: Again, I was just “gone.”
Kuwa: Like I said, you fell into one of those vortexes.

>A few miles out, the sanjiyan stopped and checked his money pouch.

Hiei: [smirks] I think I could grow used to that. Sanjiyan.
Kurama: [smiles and shakes his head]

>Che...Plenty left... He disappeared, heading for one of the few remaining marketplaces in the Makai.
>The fire demon wandered the marketplace, his sword visible to all passers-by, a warning.

Yuusuke: “Caution: Road construction ahead.”

>Finally he found the shop he was looking for. The vendor looked him over conscendingly. "Whaddaya want, halfpint?"

Yuusuke: Dead man walking…
Kurama: Condescendingly.

>Hiei fixed the demon with a cold stare. "To look at your wares, moron. Why else would I be here?"

Yuusuke: Pick up a prostitute?
Hiei: [glares]
Yuusuke: Oh sorry, I forgot Kurama again.
Hiei: [sighs] Kurama probably wouldn’t give me an STD.
Kurama: What do you mean by “probably”?!
Hiei: [smiles]

>The fire demon examined the cloth the vendor was selling, stopping as he set eyes on a well-made cloth that was so black that it seemed to sparkle.

Yuusuke: So you really are picking up Kurama something.
Hiei: [shrugs] He asked me to.
Yuusuke: Get him something pretty!
Hiei: If I got him something ugly he’d never forgive me.
Kurama: [grumbles]

>The vendor followed Hiei's gaze and spoke. "G'fabric, tha'. Wat'rproof 'n' warm."
>"How much?" Hiei asked, looking nonchalant.

Yuusuke: He usually looks like that.
Hiei: Hn.

>The vendor named an outrageous price, 25 gold coins per meter, and Hiei snorted. "I could get that for much less elsewhere." The vendor hastily changed his price, lowering it to about 10 gold coins a meter. Hiei removed thirty gold coins from his cloak in a lightning-fast move, handing it to the vendor. Moving his cloak away from his arm enough to show his wards, he stared at the vendor. "Don't attempt to cheat me."

Yuusuke: That a ward in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
Hiei: Have you ever done dealings in the Makai? You *have* to make threats or threats will be made on you!
Kurama: True enough.

>The vendor shakily measured out the cloth. "Jus' f'r ya, 'n ex'ra met'r, free!"

Kuwa: Huh?
Hiei: The fic’s getting worse…
Kurama: I think it said, “Just for you, an extra meter, free!”
Hiei: Oh.

>he hissed, handing Hiei the bundle.

Hiei: He did cut the material, right?
Kurama: I suppose so… Didn’t say that, but…

>The fire demon looked at the rest of the demon's wares. As he saw a beautiful silvery white fabric, he remembered what Kurama had said.

Yuusuke: And he likes your Youko form too! That’s so cute!
Hiei: [smirks] Who doesn’t like Youko Kurama?
Yuusuke: [falls over laughing]
Kurama: [blushes and looks like he’d rather not be there anymore]

>I've got enough. Besides...I

Yuusuke: …love him…

>owe him. The vendor followed his gaze. "Same price a' th' oth'r."

Hiei: Kurama?
Kurama: “Same price as the other.”
Hiei: Oh.

>Hiei bought five meters of that as well, then left, smirking as he saw the vendor's relieved look. Che! Morons... Sighing, the fire demon headed for the Ningenkai.

Yuusuke: [singing] Going back to the place I was before…

>He paused as he felt a strange ki following him.

Kuwa: Uh oh.
Yuusuke: Who’s the idiot?
Kurama: Dead Youkai walking.

>Shifting his bundles under his cloak,

Kuwa: Into the vortex.

>the fire demon pulled his new katana from its scabbard, waiting for his shadower to show itself.
>A large demon soon landed on a nearby tree. Hiei glared at it. "What do you want?"

Yuusuke: [large demon] Could you tell me the way to Epcot Center?

>The demon grinned toothily at him. "Gimme yer gold if yer wantin' t' live!"

Yuusuke: You know, Hiei, I think you’re right about the slang conspiracy.

>Hiei scowled in annoyance. "Go to hell. You ain't gettin' shit!"

Hiei: [glares] *Again*…
Yuusuke: Yup.

>"I guess I'll jes ha' t' take it..." the demon muttered.

All: [laugh]

>"Stupid people. Makin' it hard fer demselves!" It leaped at Hiei.>Hiei moved lightning-fast, swinging the katana easily.

Yuusuke: And Kurama’s pants fell off in one clean cut. “Stop destroying my clothes,” Kurama scolded. Hiei smirked and brought his katana up to remove Kurama’s under -
Kurama: Stop right there.

>His attacker let out a surprised grunt as a deep slash appeared across his chest. "Still want to fight, asshole?" Hiei asked, his voice cold. "If you do, I suggest you make peace with the gods before trying that again."
>The demon glared at Hiei. "Yer gonna regret this, runt!

Yuusuke, Kurama, and Kuwa: What an idiot!
Hiei: [smirks]

>Yer ha'n't seen the last o' Yeki!" Hiei snorted, and the demon frowned. "Wot're yer findin' funny?!"

Hiei: Your speech impediment.
Kurama: “What are you finding funny?”

>Hiei smirked. "The fact that you value your life so little.

Yuusuke: [Heero Yuy] Life is cheap. Especially mine.
Kurama: I don’t think Heero Yuy would be stupid enough to challenge Hiei.
Yuusuke: Unless he had reason.
Kurama: Or his Gundam.

>If you even try something stupid, your head will roll.

Yuusuke: [Hiei as the Queen of Hearts] Off with his head!
Kurama: Hiei as the Queen of Hearts… Now I’m worried.
Yuusuke: Why?
Kurama: A lot of Japanese anime have episodes dedicated to Alice in
Wonderland, remember? Cardcaptor Sakura, Slayers…
Yuusuke: I get to be the Cheshire Cat! Kuwabara will be the White Rabbit, and you’re Alice, Kurama!
Kurama: [unenthusiastically] Joy.

>I, Hiei, promise this."

Yuusuke: [Anakin] I will come back and free you, mom. I promise.
Kurama: I don’t even want to *think* about Hiei being Darth Vader.
Hiei: Who?
Yuusuke: We get to show him Star Wars too? Awesome!

>The demon stared at him dumbly, and the fire demon shook his head in wonderment. Stupid youkai! He sheathed his sword and disappeared.

Kuwa: Hiei Houdini.
Yuusuke: He’d cheat getting out of the water tank by using his ki to rip the straightjacket apart, then cut a hole in the glass with his katana.

>Hiei smirked as he reached Kurama's apartment.

Yuusuke: [smirks and nudges Hiei]

>The fox had left the window unlocked.

Yuusuke: That’s inviting trouble. Don’t you know what happened to my house?

>He swung in, barely reaching the floor when a streak of black collided with him, knocking him back several feet. "Gingivere!"

Hiei: Wait. A little cat knocked me over?
Yuusuke: Not only is Gwenevere a telepath but he’s a shape shifter - he transformed into a massive panther!
Hiei: Joy.

>The cat looked up at him from his position - clinging to the fire demon's chest - and licked Hiei's face. :I missed you!:

All: [sarcastically] Awww.

>Hiei stared at the cat for a while. "You..."

Hiei: [himself] …knocked me down.
Kurama: [Hiei] …licked me.
Yuusuke: [Hiei] …look like a cat version of me.
Kuwa: [Hiei] …escaped the vortex.

>Gingivere seemed to shrug. :Yeah...Kurama called it telepathy. He said some person named Koenma was going to have a fit. I don't know why...:

Kurama: We don’t either, actually. It’s a telepathic cat. No harm done. It’s not like it’s a soul eating sword or anything.
Hiei: Shut up.

>Hiei frowned. "He is going to have a fit...If he finds out..."

Hiei: [smirks] I get the feeling he’s not.

>The fire demon sighed and took out the bundle of white fabric. He set it on the table and grabbed Gingivere. "C'mon." The cat crawled into Hiei's cloak

All: Into the vortex.

>and settled into the large pocket. Hiei streaked out the window,

Yuusuke: [laughs out loud] Hiei’s streaking?! Oh my god! Quick, someone grab a camera!
Kuwa: [falls over laughing]
Kurama: [smirks at Hiei] *That* is what we should put on the Christmas cards.
Hiei: [blushes and looks away]

>headed for his tree to sleep.

Hiei: Best idea I’ve had throughout the story.

>~owari~

All: Good! [they run out of the theatre]

-Ningenkai-

Two young men and one fiery-tempered Youkai sat engrossed on the couch watching the television. Yuusuke had invited them over for a post-mst celebration: beer and a horror movie. Kuwabara had had to go home to clean his room, as per Shizuru’s orders. Hiei was enjoying Phantasm, as Yuusuke had suspected before. Kurama could only shake his head and let his mind wander. Yuusuke had made him watch the movie already, and as cute as it was, he didn’t really want to see it *again,* not so soon anyway. At least Phantasm was one of those classy horror movies and not wholly campy like Friday the 13th. Those movies gave him a headache. Yuusuke only watched them because occasionally one would see a naked girl. Who died anyway, but what the hell, right?

So, he let his mind wander. The story they had msted wasn’t as bad as the one before, but he wasn’t sure if that was because he and his friends were just getting the hang of msting or if the fic was truly just better. Of course, it also was non-Yaoi -- but with Yuusuke around that was hardly *not* there, so that wasn’t why. Then some things that Hiei had said popped up into his mind and he glanced at the little fire demon beside him, crimson eyes glued to the images of the protagonists stuffing a finger demon down the garbage disposal. Hiei was so caught up in the movie that he didn’t notice that he was leaning *toward* the TV, his muscles taut and ready for action.

*It really didn’t bother him,* Kurama thought. Why? Yuusuke hadn’t ever teased them nearly *this* much before they started Enma-sama’s torment, and Hiei was always much angrier than he acted now.

Kurama bit his lip. *Maybe he isn’t angry because he likes the idea…*

He blinked. *Oh, what am I saying?* he berated himself. He really must be losing it. Of course Hiei wasn’t interested in him. Hiei… was Hiei and that was that.

*Or maybe… it’s me who’s becoming interested in him,* he thought. His breath caught in his throat. *No way. No. This isn’t happening. It’s Yuusuke’s teasing, it’s going to my head,* he thought quickly.

Of course, Kurama didn’t realize he was lying to himself right away, but we can deal with that, right?

Yuusuke nudged Kurama in the ribs and wagged his finger at him, smirking like a madman. Kurama rolled his eyes and ignored him. He didn’t notice Hiei steal a glance at him then look back at the television.

TBC…

Ohh, the tension is growing! Wee! And I stuck in eX Dream to boot. I love that song. Also, so nobody decides to “tar and feather” me, Rose Thorne gave me permission to mst the fic. *smiles* Until next time, kiddies, remember: “Insanity is contagious.”