Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Episode Eight ( Chapter 8 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode Eight:
Rating: R
Story: Queer Eye for the “Straight” Demon
Story By: SilverYouko300
MSTed by: Rose Thorne and Chrissy Sky

Feedback is welcome to both of us, thank you.

Warnings: As always, Yaoi and loads Hentai thoughts.



- The Alt-verse -

The factory was bustling with people that morning, all but the young entrepreneur of Magical Magnetic-Lip Plushies Inc. and her older sister, who were taking their coffee break, which happened to last all day. And in their minds, that made perfect sense. Carriers were picking up whole shipments of boxes and taking them off to their destinations all across the galaxy.

The two young women stared up at the ceiling. There was nothing interesting about it, not counting the mysterious stain that no one had been able to clean nor identify.

“You know,” said Chrissy, “reading Becca Abott’s fan fiction is like watching Evangelion.”

“Like so?” DT asked.

“You *will* be emotionally scarred.”

DT frowned. “Then… why do you read it? You hate angst.”

The brunette SI shrugged. “For kicks.”

“Oi.”

Just then, an azure-haired girl flew into the building on an oar, her hair flying wildly behind her until she came to a stop above the two demon-like girls.

Chrissy brightened right up. “Botan-san!”

DT gave her sister a withering look.

“There’s trouble!” Botan told them quickly, her pink eyes wide with worry. “Koenma-sama and the Reikai Tantei are missing.”

DT’s eyes widened in surprise. “What? Missing?”

Chrissy fell back in her chair and onto the floor. “Crap!”


- Satellite, Space -

Hiei walked into the control room, his hair sticking up at odd ends and holding a blanket around his naked torso. His blood red eyes spoke of great irritation.

Looking around, he quickly located the source of his frustration. A blinking, (and beeping) red light on the control board. He vaguely remembered it was the same one Yuusuke had pressed the previous day.

Against better judgment, and his spitefulness, he pressed the button down. The screen filled with static and was soon replaced by an equally annoyed Rando.

“Oh,” the other Youkai said, not revealing his surprise at seeing a barely dressed Hiei. “It’s you.”

Hiei glared balefully at his kidnapper. “What?” he snapped.

“What do you mean ‘What?’” Rando rolled his eyes. “It’s time for your next fic.”

Kurama came out then. He didn’t even bother looking at Rando, going straight to the kitchen. Somewhere he’d found a robe and that’s all he wore.

Hiei watched the direction he’d gone for a moment then seemed to make up his mind. He followed his lover.

“Hey!” Rando complained. “Get back here! It’s time for you to go in the theatre!”

Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Koenma came out just then, looking slightly startled. They also looked like they were outfitted for battle.

Rando’s eyes widened. “What the hell are you three doing?”

“For you information we were playing Ragnarok: Rice of Darkness in the holocabana,” Kuwabara complained. “We heard your yelling and came to investigate.”

“It’s time for another fic, I presume,” Koenma said, not looking the least surprised. He snapped his fingers and he was back in his normal clothes.

“Shit!” Yuusuke cursed. “This early? Give me a break.”

“Shut up, you simpletons,” Rando ordered. Behind him, they could see Giaki polishing silverware that was as tall as he was.

“I’m not a simpleton!” Kuwabara bellowed loudly at the screen. Rando just grinned more.

“Oh, and get your two compatriots. They’re in the kitchen.”

“Yeah, yeah, annoying sod,” Yuusuke muttered. He took off in that general direction before he came running back out again, a bewildered and frightened look on his face. Following him was an irate fire demon. The two took off down another hallway, out of their line of vision. In the background, they heard a loud thump, like a body had been thrown to the floor. Hiei walked back in, looking much calmer. Kurama appeared from the kitchen, giggling into his hand which was covering his mouth politely.

“Someone scrape Urameshi off the ground and get into the theatre, now.” Rando waited for them to do so, watching them moving sluggishly toward the entrance. Kuwabara went to help Yuusuke and the two were the last to enter.

- Theatre -

[Sitting in the theatre from left to right: Kuwabara, Koenma, Yuusuke, Hiei, and Kurama]

Hiei: [stares coldly at Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: I’m sorry, okay?! Rando tricked me into walking in on you.
Hiei: Whatever.
Kurama: [still laughing softly] It’s okay, Hiei. It sounds like something Rando would do.
Kuwa: I wonder what we’re reading this time.
Koenma: Something absurdly painful, no doubt.
Yuusuke: Terrific.
Kuwa: [wincing] It’s starting!
Kurama: [singing] Just wild beat communication/While being pounded by rain/I want to let you know the unfading hot feelings inside me/ Tonight!
Yuusuke: The funniest thing about that is there’s no sex in Gundam Wing. Unless you count Zechs.
Kurama: Or Treize in the bath.

>Hey people I was watching Queer eye for the Strait Guy, when all of a sudden a great idea popped into my head!

Yuusuke: Toothpaste...
Koenma: No more TV for you. Seriously.
Kurama: "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." It's not that hard to remember what your teacher tried to drill into your brain in sixth grade, you know.
Hiei: Queer? What's that?
Yuusuke: [opens his mouth]
Kurama: [hits him and answers into Hiei's ear softly]
Hiei: [smirks, then leers]
Kurama: [leers back]
Koenma: Spare us, you two.
Hiei: No can do. Your father's the one who started this.
Koenma: What's that got to do with watching you make out in front of us?
Kurama: I'm betting your dad gets his jollies from it. Too bad we're not anywhere near the Reikai.
Hiei, Yuusuke, and Kuwa: [snicker]
Koenma: [glowers]
Yuusuke: At least it's not just us getting the crappy end of the deal.

>Next target: Hiei, Ahahahahahahaha ok I'm over it.

Hiei: What?
Kuwa: They're gonna kill the shrimp?
Yuusuke: Time to get rid of the unibrow.
Kurama: [hits him again] Perhaps. [responding to Kuwabara, not Yuusuke]
Hiei: Not bloody likely.
Koenma: I've never heard of this...
Yuusuke: Five gay men are hired to go to the homes of straight sloppy men and give them a make-over, fix up their houses, sometimes give dancing lessons...
Hiei: Reality TV is so stupid.
Kurama: This one is actually amusing, though
Yuusuke: Too bad whenever I watch it from now on, I'll be thinking of this farce...
Rando's voice: That's the POINT!!
Kuwa: [grumbles] The Fab Five should give *him* a make over...
Yuusuke: Even *they* couldn't fix *him*...
Rando: I heard that!
Yuusuke: We know.
Hiei: Now ask if we care.
Koenma: [yawns] If this is the best he can do, I'm bored.
Kurama: Yes, well, he could always cut off our oxygen...
Yuusuke: You know, sometimes you say some really dumb stuff, Kurama... I'd have expected that from Kuwabara, here...
Hiei: [hits him] It *was* kind of stupid, though.
Kurama: Thanks for the support, love.
Yuusuke: [rubs arm] Well, lovers are supposed to be honest, right?
Kurama: I didn't tell him to shut up. Now shut up, Yuusuke.

>Note: some people and demons have out of character moments.

Yuusuke: Hiei getting a make over... [sarcastic] What could be OOC about that?
Hiei: And could someone please explain how I need to be made over?
Kuwa: I'm not *touching* that one...
Hiei: [growls]
Kurama: I like you the way you are, though I could have some fun making you over for kicks if you want?
Hiei: I have the feeling I know what kind of fun, too.
Kurama: [sighs] That's not all I think about.
Hiei: Apparently it is because that's not what I meant. [smirks]
Kurama: One word: ribbons. Shush, dragon.

>WARNING EXTREEM WEIRDNESS!!!

Koenma: That's to be expected.
Kurama: You don't have to make that all caps, by the way. We can read it just fine.
Yuusuke: Lovely misspelling too.
Koenma: Smashing job.
Kuwa: Is it over yet?
Yuusuke: Nope.
Kuwa: [waits a few seconds] Now is it over?
Hiei: Shut up.

>Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or Queer Eye for the strait guy, but oh what a disaster I would make if I did!

Yuusuke: Hurricanes, tornadoes...
Kurama: Don't give me nightmares...
Koenma: And the author wrote the name incorrectly again.

>Hiei stood staring at the television, he couldn't believe human males!

Hiei:...
Yuusuke: The two idiots had pasted his eyes to the TV *again*!
Kurama: I'm officially confused by that one...
Koenma: And you just referred to yourself as an idiot.
Yuusuke: ... I was trying to look at it from his perspective.
Hiei: I think he's finally lost it.
Kuwa: He ever had it?
Yuusuke: [grumbles] It was just a riff, geez.

>They were dressed in light clothes and prancing around like freaks. "Kurama how can you watch this stuff!?"

Kurama: Whoa! Stereotypical anti-gay comment! That's not Hiei!
Hiei: That's not *demon*...
Kuwa: Huh?
Kurama: Demons don't generally care who they or other demons sleep with unless it's a mate or potential assassination target.
Kuwa: Oh.
Yuusuke: 'spose it's not Yaoi then.
Koenma: As redundant as it is to say this, with you around, Yuusuke, it won't matter.
Yuusuke: I have help now, you know. [points at Hiei and Kurama]
Kurama and Hiei: [leer]
Yuusuke: Hey, Koenma, I'll trade you places.
Koenma: Don't think so. It's fun watching you squirm.
Kurama: We're making him squirm? Why, Yuusuke, you never told us...
Kuwa: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: [turns red]
Hiei: And here I thought you and Koenma had something going...
Koenma: WHAT???
Kurama: Oh come now. We all know the real reason you're in your adult form all the time now.
Koenma: [glares at him] Botan?
Kurama: I don't see her around, do you?
Yuusuke: Guys, shut up.
Koenma: I see idiots who like teasing me about my other form.
Kuwa: Besides, we all know he has a thing for that guy who kidnapped him.
Koenma: [is about to yell again]
Yuusuke: Don't bother, this is just them getting back at the both of us. You for the whole MST thing in the first place and me for teasing them.

>He asked. Kurama shrugged, "It's amusing I suppose, why don't you take a seat and we can watch it together."

Kurama: Or maybe it *is* Yaoi.
Yuusuke: Yes, sit next to him on the couch. Don't be shy. He's only going to ravish you.
Hiei: Another reason not to deal with Mukuro on that level, besides the fact that it'd be *painful* and I've got the Imp here to keep me occupied.
Koenma: [peevishly] Crazy or idiotic?
Hiei: Since I'm always calling him either, "idiot fox" or "crazy fox" I think both.
Kurama: [gives him a questioning glance]
Hiei: In fics.
Yuusuke: How... disturbing... Fics are now melding with real life?

>Seeing Hiei's reaction the former Youko turned back to the screen of the T.V. Hiei took one more look at the 'fab 5' before turning to jump out the window.

Kurama: Spell out 'five'. It's just a few more key strokes, you know...
Yuusuke: Awww... No ravishing...
Kuwa: Voyeur.
Hiei: Kurama and I can 'ravish' each other now if you want.
Yuusuke: Err... No, that's okay.
Kurama: You sure?
Yuusuke: Yeah.
Kurama: Are you blushing?
Hiei: I think he is.
Kurama: Bet he's afraid he'll be turned on by it.
Yuusuke: [sighs]
Kuwa: Is it over yet?
Koenma: No. Were you asleep?
Kuwa: I wish.

>Kurama just barely heard the fire demon say something under his breath. "What a stupid show, I'd never let those humans into my life just to mess it up."

Hiei: I have a feeling I don't have a choice.
Koenma: Do any of us?
Kurama: That should be a period instead of a comma.

>Kurama looked after him for a second before a crazy idea popped into his head.

Kurama: Ribbons, ice cream, fudge...
Yuusuke: New fetishes?
Hiei: [derisively] That's what we did last night.
Kurama: The rest of you didn't want any ice cream, right?
Yuusuke: Wait, where did you get the fudge?
Kurama: You didn't find all the cabinets. So we made some nice, spiked fudge. It's gone now.
Yuusuke: What else is in those cabinets?
Hiei: [Xellos] Sore wa himitsu desu!
Kuwa: I looked everywhere!
Hiei: [sarcastically] And you’re infallible, right?
Kuwa: Yeah!
Hiei: [snorts]
Yuusuke: As usual, Kuwabara doesn't know what sarcasm is...
Kuwa: I do. I just chose not to acknowledge it.

>(A few days later at the fab 5's headquarters)

Yuusuke: Robin, to the Bat cave!
Kuwa: [Robin] Gee willikers, Batman! The Penguin’s really done it this time!
Hiei: What the hell?
Kurama: American live-action kid's show from the 70's, I think.
Yuusuke: Poorly dubbed in Japanese.
Hiei: Who's Robin?
Yuusuke: Well, we have another thing added to the list.
Kurama: I knew it.
Hiei: [sighs] I can't believe I keep letting him talk me into this crap... I had to sit through twenty-six episodes of *Maze*. How many hours is that?
Yuusuke: I dunno. I don't have all of it. Only about 50 twenty minute episodes.
Hiei: I meant Maze: The Mega-Burst Space, you moron. You remember, "Ukyu! Ukyu! Oneeniisama!"
Yuusuke: Oh. My bad.
Hiei: At least Slayers was somewhat interesting.
Yuusuke: Somewhat?!
Kuwa: That's blasphemy, to Urameshi, Hiei.
Koenma: So? He REALLY blasphemes constantly.
Yuusuke: But real blasphemy is fun.
Koenma: [miffed] How is it fun?
Yuusuke: It annoys you.
Kurama: Now you're flirting with him.
Kuwa: The scroll is moving...
Yuusuke: I don't care.

>The fab 5 sat pondering what to do about there new target.

Kuwa: A new Target opened up?
Hiei: Yeah. You. And my Dragon called first dibs.
Yuusuke: [snickers] And we were not flirting.
Kurama: Sure.
Kuwa: I meant the store... [sinks into his seat]
Kurama: Spell out five, there should be their...
Koenma: That's getting annoying.
Yuusuke: What is?
Koenma: Why bother correcting?
Kurama: Habit.
Hiei: It's either that or he starts groping me.
Koenma: He isn't now?
Hiei: I'd be making a lot more noise, dumbass.
Kuwa: Urk! TMI!!

>"Hiei," Carson muttered "What an unusual name."

Hiei: Well, I think Carson is an unusual name.
Kurama: It's American, I believe.
Koenma: Not everyone can be named after a mountain, I suppose...
Yuusuke: Or a god.
Koenma: [glares]
Yuusuke: [smirks] Baby Enma, still in diapers.
Kurama: You know, Yuusuke, if you tease someone it generally means you have a crush on them.
Yuusuke: Does not!
Hiei: Isn't that the same thing he said when we called him a voyeur?
Kurama: About.
Kuwa: And we know he's a voyeur, so he also has to have a crush on Koenma.
Kurama: When's the wedding?
Koenma: [scowls] I'm your employer...
Hiei: So?
Yuusuke: [slinks down in his seat] The text is moving...
Hiei: Don't change the subject.
Kurama: It doesn't matter. We'll just gravitate right back to it.

>"Well by what I hear he's a very unusual person." Noted Ted looking over at his partner, but Carson was too busy thinking to hear him,

Yuusuke: I was wondering if any of them were together...
Hiei: Voyeur.
Kurama: Ne, he's just trying to get his mind off of the images his mind has just conjured of Koenma.
Hiei: Yeah, well that's futile. I mean, all we have to do is remind him that Koenma is well-versed in sucking methods, what with over 500 years of sucking on the pacifier.
Kuwa: I don't want to think about that!
Kurama: That did it.
Hiei: I think he's going to have a *hard* time thinking of anything else. Right, Yuusuke?
Yuusuke: Uhh...
Koenma: [is staring at him now] You're kidding...
Kurama: No, I don't think he is.
Hiei: I think that definitely proves that Yuusuke is bisexual.
Kurama: Koenma isn't exactly sickened by it.
Hiei: This should be a very interesting trip...

>"This Suichi guy, he said Hiei has red eyes, red! The wonder you could do with fashion, match the eye color with some colorful clothes.

Kurama: Is that how Funimation is spelling my name?
Koenma: And there he goes with the grammar again!
Hiei: Trying to get your mind off of Yuusuke? Kind of *hard*, when he's sitting right there next to you, within arms reach...
Kuwa: Closer than that. These seats are really close together.
Hiei: [stares at him]
Kuwa: [shrugs] If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Yuusuke: Traitor.
Kuwa: So?
Yuusuke: See what you think when they try pairing you with Rando!
Kuwa: Urk!
Koenma: I did say something earlier about you all turning on each other...


>His friend said he only wears black what a shame, he sure does need our help." Kyan was looking at a picture of Hiei, "What's up with his hair? I'd love to know what type of gel he uses."

Hiei: I happen to like black.
Kurama: And it's natural. No gel. [pets Hiei]
Hiei: [purrs, smiling]
Yuusuke: [smirks]
Koenma: Voyeur.
Hiei: Flirts.
Koenma: We are NOT flirting!
Hiei: Trust me, I know what flirting is.
Kurama: [stifles a laugh]
Koenma: [sinks down in seat further]
Hiei: Bet they're trying to play footsie.
Yuusuke: [sits up immediately] Are not!
Kurama: You're not convincing us.
Hiei: [grins] That's why you sat up so fast, right?
Kuwa: And why are his hands folded on his lap?
Hiei: Trying to hide something, Yuusuke?
Yuusuke: I didn't torture you two nearly this much.
Kurama: That's basically admitting that you're attracted to Koenma.
Hiei: You know how much of a damn hypocrite you are right now?
Yuusuke: Look! The next part of the fic!

>Jai looked over Kyan's shoulder, "Wow, his hair's all pointy too. Cool are those blue high lights, they don't go very well with that white puff of hair in the middle though do they?"

Hiei: Stop changing the subject.
Kurama: His hair is very lovely, thank you.
Hiei: [smiles]
Kuwa: Hiei's right, though, Urameshi. I remember you telling them just a few weeks ago to admit their feelings...
Kurama: He's right. So admit yours.
Yuusuke: What feelings?
Hiei: The ones under your hands.
Kuwa: Urk!
Kurama: Come on, Yuusuke. We won't hold anything against you. Just admit it.
Koenma: You three are childish.
Hiei: And you would know all about that, wouldn't you, toddler?
Koenma: [scowls] I'm not the one who's meddling.
Kurama: If we didn't you'd never do anything.
Hiei: [smirks] And we're just helping you realize what's been there all along. Right, Yuusuke?
Yuusuke: Should I meddle with another person, Hiei? Someone you've been keeping something from?
Hiei: [opens his mouth, then closes it again]
Kurama: That's hitting below the belt.
Yuusuke: Oh, and what you're doing isn't?
Kurama: Figuratively, Yuusuke.

>Kyan nodded in agreement. Ted was reading the letter Kurama had sent them with warnings, "Suichi says when I teach him how to cook something, nothing with sugar. I wonder why?"

Hiei: [smirks]
Kurama: Addiction and hyper-Hiei, perhaps?
Hiei: Could be...
Kurama: Oh, and they don't know my name is Kurama. So it shouldn't be there.
Yuusuke: It's the Narrator saying that.
Kurama: Well, *I* wouldn't have put it there.
Hiei: You wouldn't have written this.
Yuusuke: Why would any of us write fan fiction about ourselves? Isn't that conceited?
Kurama: You wouldn't believe how many GW fics I find about Heero writing fan fiction about him and Duo...
Kuwa: That's sad.

>Thom took the letter away, "He said didn't say anything about his house, but he mentioned Hiei liking the outdoors. It's not like he sleeps in trees or anything."

Kurama: Well, either I said it or I didn't say it. Make up your mind!
Hiei: And I do sleep in trees. Or I did.
Kurama: [kisses his cheek] And last night we were acquainted with the holocabana...
Kuwa: Quit with the too much information.
Yuusuke: Isn't 'baptizing' places a fetish?
Hiei: It is?
Kurama: [laughs softly]
Koenma: You're all perverse.
Hiei: You're just trying not to imagine it.

>He said sarcastically, they laughed if only they knew how right they were.

All: [unenthusiastic laughter]
Kurama: Run-on.
Koenma: It's not like the author is going to care about your corrections.
Kurama: What's really sad is reading a fic where the author thanks their beta-readers, and there are still huge errors.
Hiei: [snorts] Beta-read by husband. I've seen those. Some Gundam Wing author does that.
Yuusuke: Then there's the ones who blame the characters for being "too lazy" to beta.
Hiei: Too intelligent, is more like it.

>(Two days later)

Hiei: They were all dead.
Yuusuke: The bodies were never found.
Kurama: And it turns out they were missing people who nobody missed at all...
Koenma: [stares] Dixie Chicks?
Kurama: [shrugs] It fit.
Yuusuke: The female fans who fantasize about them would miss them.
Hiei: Why? They're gay, right?
Yuusuke: Girl thing. Dunno.
Hiei: Remind me, why am I trying to understand Ningens?
Kurama: [points at himself]
Hiei: Oh, right. But you're not like those Ningens... For one, you smell better.

>Kurama sat on his couch watching animal plant, pitying poor Steve Irwin ( the crocodile hunter) who was just about to get his head bitten off by Agro one of the largest crocks in the park.

Kurama: If this was a satire of Reality TV shows, it'd be off to a good start. And I never watch that show.
Hiei: Why would you? The man's a moron.
Kurama: Most Australians don't even talk like that...
Kuwa: Isn't that an American show anyway?
Kurama: Yeah.
Yuusuke: Which head?
Kuwa: Urk! Urameshi!!
Koenma: That was random.
Yuusuke: I admit, it's a very bad joke. Painful too... [snickers]
Hiei: He's a biter, I'd bet.
Yuusuke: Oi...
Kurama: With that comment, I don't doubt it.

>The doorbell rang and Kurama got up to answer it, he opened the door. "Hello, is Suichi around?" Carson asked smiling brightly.

Kurama: No, but Shuiichi is.
Yuusuke: So they travelled all the way to Japan? Are they speaking Japanese, or do they have a translator-dude with them?
Koenma: Hello, Mary Sues.
Hiei: Where?
Koenma: Self Insertions have a habit of being from America, but they speak Japanese perfectly.
Hiei: Oh.

>"I'm Suichi." Jai pushed his way forward, "I thought you were a boy?" "I am a boy!"

Kurama: [sighs] I hate that joke.
Hiei: [gropes him] Yes, he's male.
Kurama: That was just an excuse to grope me, wasn't it...?
Hiei: [smirks] You know it.
Kurama: [pulls Hiei into his lap and returns the favor] Good.
Kuwa: Urk... I don't wanna know what they're doing. [studiously looking in the other direction]
Hiei: Che'. Can't even handle cuddling.
Yuusuke: [snickers] From all the way down there, he probably thought you were doing something else.
Hiei: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yuusuke: Urk!

>They all looked at Kurama closely, "So you are!" Carson declared, Kurama sighed inviting them in with a wave of his hand already thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

Kurama: You think?!
Koenma: I'd have forbidden it anyway. Hiei never would stand for that, and he'd have used his demonic abilities. Major breach.
Yuusuke: And it'd all be caught on film, too...
Koenma: Erk. Dad would kill!
Yuusuke: Eek.
Kurama: More like you'd get a spanking.
Hiei: Bet Yuusuke can put that image to good use.
Yuusuke: Uh...
Koenma: [sighs] I thought we stopped that.
Hiei: [glares] No.
Koenma: Damn...
Yuusuke: Remember, Hiei...
Hiei: That I'll kill you if you finish that sentence?
Kurama: That there's a difference between playful teasing and mean teasing?
Kuwa: That I have *no idea* what you're talking about?
Yuusuke: Urk...
Hiei: Is that idiot still looking the other direction?
Kuwa: No!

>Kyan took in a quick glance at the apartment, "So where's Hiei?" he asked, he'd been loosing sleep over the hair and what made it stay perfectly in place.

Yuusuke: Oh geez...
Kurama: How... out of character...
Koenma: That's not unusual.
Kuwa: It *is* a fanfic.

>Kurama shut the door, "He should be here soon enough." 'And hopefully this time he'll use the door, and not my window.' He said in his mind.

Kurama: Telepathy comes in handy, ne?
Hiei: [snorts] I still would use the window.
Koenma: And that is why I would have forbidden it.
Yuusuke: Aren't they going to ask why Hiei doesn't have a house of his own?
Kuwa: Does it matter?
Yuusuke: No, just curious.
Kurama: Are they going to ask if he's my lover, you mean?
Yuusuke: Well, yeah.
Koenma: Queer Eye for the *Straight* Guy, Yuusuke...
Yuusuke: No, "strait".
Koenma: [hits him]

>"Do you know Alligator is a delicacy in some countries." His teammates nodded in agreement. Kurama couldn't help but burst their bubbles.

Hiei: [Kurama] And ningens are a delicacy to Youkai.
Yuusuke: Let me show you to the kitchen.
Kurama: Er... What sense did that make? Where does it fit in the fic?? [looks like he wants to tear his hair out]
Hiei: Ignore the fic. [touches Kurama's cheek]
Kurama: [hugs him] Alright, Dragon.
Yuusuke: That reminds me, Clow made the Bubbles card just to give Kero baths.
Hiei: And to wash his clothes. Now shut up with the useless trivia. [sounds like he doesn't really care at the moment, and his voice is muffled into Kurama's neck]
Kurama: [licks Hiei's ear] Besides, why are you so fascinated by baths all of a sudden? Being a voyeur again?
Yuusuke: No, just remembered it... I think I'm going into withdrawal, it's been so long since I watched any movie or show...
Koenma: It's only been two days!!
Kuwa: He's addicted.

>"That's a crocodile." They all turned to look at him at the exact same moment, "Really?" Carson asked, "Yeah" Kurama said taking a step back wishing he was elsewhere.

Kurama: Oh, thrill at the witty dialogue... [giggles at whichever spot Hiei's licking on his neck]
Hiei: [pauses for a second] Do you have a pet crocodile or something?
Kuwa: I think they're talking about the one on the TV. Crocodile Hunter, right?
Hiei: Oh, yeah. Stupid and pointless. [goes back to licking Kurama's neck]

>He bumped into something behind him, "Ah!" Kurama turned around and saw Hiei,

Koenma: Wa-wa-waaa... Yawn.
Yuusuke: The guest of honor has arrived.
Hiei: Hardly an honor. [begins sucking]
Kurama: [tries to stifle a moan and fails miserably]
Koenma: Oh, don't let us bother you.
Yuusuke: Just ignore them, it's not like it'll make them stop.
Kurama: [breathlessly] Besides, Yuusuke likes watching.
Yuusuke: Exhibitionists.
Kuwa: Is it over yet?
Hiei: [nips Kurama's neck, then turns back to the screen] For now.

>Oh, hi Hiei." said Kurama, "Hn" The small fire demon caught sight of the fab 5 staring at him, "Kurama I think those guys from the T.V. are in your living room." He said looking just as shocked as Kurama had when he'd bumped into him.

Yuusuke: Lucy, you've got some explaining to do...
Hiei: Lucy?! What the hell?
Koenma: [as Lucy] But Ricky, I wanna go to the shooooow...!
Kurama: An old American sitcom, love.
Hiei: Oh. [shifts in his lap, losing interest]
Kurama: Hiei!
Hiei: [innocently] Yes, Imp?
Kurama: [flushes] You're going to get it later...
Hiei: [smirks] I know. Looking forward to it.
Kuwa: Urk!

>"Yes, well Hiei they have come to help you out." Hiei had a look of absolute horror on his face, he didn't admit at first but the 'fab 5' scared him a lot!

Hiei: Scared?
Kurama: Few things in this world, or the other two for that matter, scare him, and *they* don't even come close.
Yuusuke: Besides, he could always just kill them.
Koenma: Another reason I'd have forbidden it!

>Carson and Kyan were the first two to jump up and run towards Hiei. Kyan was poking at his hair and was amazed at how soft it was considering it look like it was as stiff as cardboard. "Hiei what kind of hair gel do you use?" he asked,

Kurama: It was cute the first time, now it's just old.
Hiei: And stupid.
Yuusuke: And annoying.

> Hiei glanced nervously over at Kurama who was now holding some contraption in his hands, Hiei didn't know it was a video camera or that he was going to be put on T.V.

Hiei: You bastard.
Kurama: Not me.
Kuwa: Sounds more like Yuusuke.
Koenma: Why did I read that as "contraception"?
Yuusuke: [laughs loudly]
Kurama: Isn't the show supposed to have its own cameraman? Why am I holding the camera?
Kuwa: Stupid author?
Kurama: Yes.
Koenma: Be nice.
Yuusuke: Why?
Koenma: Because... My father releases transcripts of our msts on the internet.
Hiei: WHAT??
Kurama: Oh shit. [holds Hiei tightly]
Yuusuke: Bastard!
Kuwa: This sucks!
Koenma: Listen, it wasn't my idea.
Yuusuke: Do you think we care?!
Kurama: Sins of the father...
Yuusuke: Yeah!
Koenma: Oh, yeah, and he put me in here too! You think *I* like it??

> Carson was picking at his clothes and making comments, "Oh he's so cute, and delicious I could just eat him up like a little heresy kiss."

Hiei: [his voice low] What?
Kurama: Why you... bitch!
Yuusuke: Hey, if this thing explodes, there's nowhere to escape right?
Rando's voice: Incentive for you to not blow it up, don't you think?
Kurama: Where did you find this? Who's the author?
Rando's voice: Classified information, children. [cackles] Just keep reading.
Kurama: [snarls in general direction of his voice]

>Hiei stared at Carson his eyes wide, he knew they weren't human, humans don't eat other humans! "MONSTER!"

Yuusuke: [falls out of seat laughing]
Kurama: That's... so not my Hiei.
Hiei: If it was, they'd be dead.
Yuusuke: [wheezing] Mazoku! Ha ha!
Kuwa: [trying not to laugh]
Koenma: This is stupid...
Yuusuke: "Xellos is floating above the bed, smirking."
Kurama: Oh, sure, use those riffs up. I was saving those.
Hiei: What?
Kurama: It's from a Zelgadis/Xellos vidfic we found once. [One Week, need to find name of author...]
Yuusuke: [quietly] It's not like people will notice much if we re-use them...
Kurama: [same] It's still rude.
Yuusuke: [shrugs] And I'm a juvenile delinquent. Why would I care?
Kurama: [sighs] Use some from the show, too.
Yuusuke: Oh, I plan too. [smirks]
Hiei: [shifts again]
Kurama: [gasps] Am I not paying enough attention to you or something?
Hiei: [smirks] No. I just like torturing you.

>he shouted running away and locking himself in Kurama's bathroom.

Yuusuke: "You sold pictures of me in the shower?!?" [again, One Week]
Hiei: And the fic spoils the mood again.
Kurama: Am I in there with him? I have candles and bubble bath...
Hiei: Wouldn't have it any other way.
Yuusuke: I'm not the one who brought up baths this time.
Kurama: Nice, relaxing bath. Locked door. No observers.
Kuwa: Can we just get on with it so this fic can be over with?
Koenma: I agree.
Yuusuke: Yeah, then you two can have a bath or whatever.

>all stood there, "All righty then." said Ted looking over at Kurama, "Where's your kitchen?" Kurama pointed over in the direction of the kitchen before knocking on the bathroom door, "Hiei don't you wanna go shopping with Carson?" he asked, "NO!! He wants to eat me, Kurama, EAT ME!!!"

Kurama: I wouldn't mind doing it, Dragon, but it'd be kind of hard in here.
Yuusuke: Something must be *hard.*
Hiei: Like you thinking of Koenma, spankings, and his pacifier?
Yuusuke: [to Koenma] Funny thing about that is, I'm damned if I say yes, damned if I say no, and if I just ignore him.
Koenma: [sighs] I'm not moderating.

>Kurama tapped his finger on the door, "My name's Suichi don't you remember?" he said ready to kill the little fire demon for saying his true name in front of humans.

Kurama: Kill him for that? This thing can't get anymore insulting.
Hiei: Like Kurama couldn't just say it's a nickname. He does it with Shiori.

>"Hiei if you go shopping with the 'monster' I'll give you sweet snow." He said in a very persuasive voice.

Hiei: We don't have any left?
Kurama: All gone.
Yuusuke: Persuasive voice, eh?
Kurama: Shut up.
Hiei: Besides, if you could do what he can do with ice cream, Koenma'd be putty in your hands.
Koenma: Urk!
Yuusuke: [chokes again]
Kuwa: [hums to himself]
Hiei: [blinks] Isn't that Simple and Clean?
Kuwa: Yup.
Yuusuke: Riku/Sora was the best couple in that game.
Kuwa: Urk!

>There was a click and the door opened, "How much sweet snow?" "A lot" Hiei looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well......OK!"

Hiei: I sold myself for sweet snow?
Kurama: Not surprising, really. You *are* addicted...
Hiei: [snorts]
Yuusuke: You know, Kurama, if you'd known that, you'd have been able to get Hiei a loooong time ago.
Hiei: Yeah, well you already know Koenma's weakness. He likes to suck on things.
Kurama: He likes sweets too, doesn't he?
Hiei: [grins]
Koenma: [sighs again]
Yuusuke: [scowls]
Kuwa: Is this over yet?
Hiei: I can see the end...
Kuwa: About time. Stupid fic...

>He grabbed Carson's hand and ran out the door.

Yuusuke: Who did?
Koenma: I think it was Hiei...
Hiei: What? I grabbed his hand? Why?
Yuusuke: You're cheating on Kurama?!
Kurama: Of course not. I trust him completely.
Hiei: [blushes]
Kurama: Besides, he has better taste...
Yuusuke: Redheads with gorgeous eyes?
Kurama: You really think they're gorgeous?
Hiei: [growls at Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: Oi! Your territory! I'm not touching it!
Hiei: Mine. [snuggles into Kurama's arms]
Kurama: [buries his face in Hiei's neck]

>Thom, Kyan, and Jai looked at Kurama, "Sweet snow?" Kurama laughed nervously, "Yeah, it's our word for ice cream." "Oh"

Kurama: *Our* word for ice cream? That should be another tip off...
Koenma: "Straight Demon."
Hiei: Mmmm... Sweet snow...
Kurama: Rando? Can we get more food up here?
Yuusuke: Yeah, if we starve we won't be able to read your torture, you know.
Rando's voice: After the crack about the ugly one and me, fat chance. Besides, the two nymphos would just use it for sex.
Hiei: Which two? Kurama and me or Yuusuke and Koenma?
Kurama: [laughs]
Rando's voice: Err... On second thought... that might be good torture... [cackles]
Koenma: [blanches]
Hiei and Kurama: [snicker]
Kuwa: As long as there's stuff to eat, I don't care.
Hiei and Kurama: [laugh harder]
Kuwa: Urk... That's not what I meant!
Yuusuke: [softly] Somehow, I know this is all my fault...
Hiei: Because it *is.*

>Ok that's chapter 1, next chapter the madness will truly begin.

Yuusuke: Oh crap.
Kuwa: We don't have to read that right? I mean, when have we ever msted the second chapter of something?
Koenma: That's only because Dad got bored. I don't know about Rando...
Rando's voice: Too much trouble to go back and see if the person actually bothered to make a chapter two.
Giaki's voice: I could do that for you, sir!
Kurama: [screams]
Hiei: [glares grim death in general direction of Giaki's voice]
Yuusuke: [Duo] This is so NOT cool.
Koenma: [Heero] Omae o korosu!
Hiei and Kurama: [start laughing again]
Yuusuke: … In Heero-ese that means "I love you".
Kuwa: And I'm guessing he was expressing his feelings to you, eh Urameshi?
Hiei and Kurama: [laugh harder]
Yuusuke: [squeaks] He was?
Koenma: [sinks down in his seat]
Kurama: He's not denying it.
Koenma: Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Yuusuke: [Skeletor] Why bother?

>Hiei the small fire demon bent on destroying the world,

Yuusuke: In speaking of Skeletor...
Hiei: Hey!
Yuusuke: I didn't mean you.
Kurama: [She-ra] By the honor of Grayskull!
Kuwa: [He-man] By the power of Grayskull!
Kurama: [Captain Planet] By your powers combined...
Yuusuke: [singing] Captain Planet, he's a hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero!
Koenma: Er... Go, go, Power Rangers?
Hiei: Lame.

>shopping with Carson

Yuusuke: Skeletor!
Hiei: He wants to eat me, evidently
Kuwa: That gives a *whole* new dimension to that cartoon...
Kurama: [laughs out loud]
Koenma: Dad bought me the box set...
Yuusuke: And now you're going to have Hentai thoughts every time you watch it, aren't you?
Hiei: Because he'll be thinking of groping you.
Kurama: Here I thought Yuusuke would jump at the chance to see the original He-man again...
Hiei: He will be now. He likes Clamp, remember.
Kuwa: And Fake.

>pursuing his love the mystical sweet snow!

Kurama: Should be a comma after love...
Hiei: Mmmmm... Ice cream...
Yuusuke: [sings] Forever Love Forever Dream/ Be with me this way/ Please hold my trembling heart until dawn/ Oh stay with me… [“Forever Love” X, The Movie]
Kurama: He is not having a love affair with ice cream!
Hiei: With you covered in ice cream... [shifts]
Kurama: Urk! Is this thing over yet?!
Koenma: Well, if we stop interrupting the text every few seconds...
Hiei: That X movie is irritating.
Yuusuke: I know, Subaru and Seishirou kill each other off in the first few minutes, you don't know who the hell they are... But the best part was that Fuuma lost his head. [Literally]
Hiei: [smirks] That reminded you of when Akio falls out of the window, didn’t it? [Utena movie reference]
Kuwa: Urk...
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>Read and review, what new clothes, what stores, what accessories? Tell and I'll try to put them all in!

Koenma: Wouldn't that make it an interactive fic?
Hiei: Isn't there some chick that goes around reporting those?
Kurama: Vindictive.
Kuwa: She gets some of the crappier fics off.
Kurama: Thank goodness for that.
Yuusuke: Yeah, God knows what we'd be reading if she didn't.

>Thank you all for reading, and remember, sweet snow will concur all!!!

Kurama: Think of this as feedback, dearie.
Yuusuke: And you're not welcome!
Koenma: Conquer?
Hiei: I hope it does!
Kuwa: Addicted...
Kurama: Unless the author's trying to harmonize the world or something... [shakes his head]
Yuusuke: And we all know that world peace just won't work. Endless Waltz, anyone?
Hiei: [slides off Kurama's lap slowly] It's over now, right?
Kurama: Inari, yes. [guides Hiei out of the theatre, rather quickly]
Yuusuke: They're like rabbits...
Koenma: Yes.
Yuusuke: Let's grab the holocabana before they do. I found a Utena program.
Koenma: Alright. [they exit]
Kuwa: [laughs] What kind of Utena program!?!
Yuusuke: [sticks his head back in] Not that kind, ecchi!

- Control room -

Rando’s smirking face is still there on the screen. “So, how was it? Did it drive you out of your minds? Will you now pledge servitude to me?

Koenma sneered. “Not bloody likely.” He and Yuusuke continued on, heading toward the holocabana.

Kurama pouted. “Damn, they’re hogging it again.”

Hiei smirked. “Let’s go to that observatory.”

“Ooh! Under the stars. That’s so romantic, Dragon!” the redhead simpered.

Hiei snorted and they left.

“Well?” Rando yelled at Kuwabara.

The orange-haired ningen didn’t look impressed. “It was stupid. You know it was, that’s why you sent the damn thing. Now, send that food you promised!” He slammed down on the button and the screen revealed the stars surrounding the outside of the satellite.


TBC…