Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Die Hard Life! Beam Up! ( Chapter 7 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode Seven: Die Hard Life! Beam Up! *
Story: Hiei’s First Love
Story By: Panda [she gave me permission a while ago, and I’m just now getting around to it. Gomen.]
Msted by: Chrissy Sky and Rose Thorne

No insult or injury were intended in the making of this mst. We just did it for fun.

Notes: The whole “let’s stick them in space” idea has been done so many times it’s not funny. But I figured, what the hell, right? ‘Sides, Rose and DT help out with ideas. And, like many other people, I borrowed Megane 6.7’s Holocabana. To make Yuusuke happy. ^_^

* Today’s episode title, fledglings, comes from the Maze opening theme lyrics, “The Maze in Empty Space.”


- Reikai -

The next morning greeted all the inhabitants of Spirit World with shocking news. Lord Enma was woken up early to be informed by Botan and George that his son and heir to the Reikai, along with his Reikai Tantei, were missing.

- Ningenkai -

Botan sat in the center of a circle, her friends surrounding her, their eyes intense with worry.

“Where is Yuusuke?” Keiko demanded. “We have a date today, he’d better not be on a new mission and didn’t tell me about it.”

“And my little brother,” Shizuru demanded. Her eyes sparked dangerously, and it was clear that if the boys were on a mission, she would show no mercy on her brother’s return.

“Hiei and Kurama are gone too,” Yukina said, biting her lip anxiously. “Kurama didn’t even tell his mother that he was leaving.”

Keiko nodded. “That’s strange in itself. Kurama *always* tells his mother, even if it’s just a cover story.”

They were all talking so quickly that Botan found it hard to interrupt them. Genkai cleared her throat, turning her eyes on the ferry girl. “What’s going on, Botan?”

The azure-haired girl gulped. “Well, that’s just it…” She let that hang for a second. “We don’t know.”

“What?” all of them said in unison.

Botan looked down to the floor. “They’re missing, along with Koenma-sama. We have no idea where they could have gone.”

“Koenma too?” Genkai asked, her expression tight as she thought hard. “Then it’s the Netherworld.”

“The Netherworld!?” the girls cried.

Botan nodded at Genkai. “That’s what Enma-sama said too. He was very upset this morning. He’s prepared to tear the three worlds apart to look for them. He kept screaming about how he found a perfect fic for them to MST and they’re not even here to torment. He doesn’t even have the entertainment of watching Koenma-sama ‘screw up.’”

All women in the room looked worried. They’d all heard stories about Lord Enma when he was angry.

“And I still have to tell Mukuro-san that Hiei is missing!” Botan wailed. She shivered slightly at the thought. Shizuru patted her shoulder in sympathy.

“We should inform Kurama’s mother,” Yukina suggested.

“We’d better make up a story or else she’ll be even more worried,” Shizuru added.

“Yesterday,” Genkai said after a moment’s thought, “I felt a presence that was very familiar. Though I couldn’t place where I’d felt it before until I meditated on it. It’s been a few years, but it was definitely…”

- Space -

This was the best way to wake up, Hiei decided firmly. His face was nestled against Kurama’s bare chest, right next to his heart. Arms securely surrounded his frame, holding him loose in sleep. It was still dark, but Hiei supposed that the blinds were just shut against the morning sun, which always shined in the window. That was irritating. So, with that distraction out of the way, he took his time waking up all the way, thoughts only on the body next to his. He kept his eyes closed, listening to the heartbeat, feeling the rise and fall of the chest he rested on. Feeling the soft skin against his, running his fingers lightly over it and breathing in the Youko’s familiar scent. He was overwhelmed with the sensation of being safe, in these arms, with this person.

Then, something at the back of his mind came to the surface. He didn’t know what it could be, something having to do with an observation of Kurama’s room… He didn’t hear the air-conditioning.

The vent was almost right above the bed, and his attuned senses would normally hear the soft wind coming through it.

Now, he didn’t.

It would automatically turn off, but he’d been up a while now for it to have come on again. So… That would mean…

His eyes snapped open.

*This is definitely not Kurama’s room.* He shook the fox’s shoulder once, roughly. “Wake up.”

“Mmm,” Kurama murmured drowsily, still asleep. “It’s too early, Hiei…”

“Not that, you nympho, I mean -”

Kurama smiled, eyes still closed. “Well, if you really want to.” He licked his lips.

Hiei pulled a convenient lock of hair. “Imp, open your eyes!”

“Itai!” Kurama did as ordered now, and his emerald eyes went wide in surprise. “Oh dear…”

*

They dressed and went outside. In the corridor outside their “room” they ran into Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Koenma; all three looking like they too had just awakened.

“Guys, you’re not gonna believe this,” Kuwabara began excitedly.

“We’re in space!” Yuusuke shouted, looking like it was very hard to keep his happiness from showing. Koenma gave him a withering glance before turning to Kurama and Hiei.

“It seems to be a satellite,” he told them. He was in his adult form, most likely so Yuusuke and Kuwabara would not comment on his child-like appearance, as per usual. “And I have no idea in which part of space we’re in. The system computers are all on autopilot, can’t be switched off, and none of the location devices are working. And this isn’t Ningen made, either. A Youkai most likely did this. One that understands humans very well.”

“We looked in the kitchen and all it has is different kinds of milk!” Kuwabara complained loudly. “I’m hungry!”

“Eat your tongue,” Hiei said, burgundy eyes hard and a smirk forming on his lips. “Two birds with one stone.”

“Bite my ankles, shrimp!” Kuwabara glared back at him.

“*I’m* not hungry.”

“Enough!” Koenma interrupted them.

“Yes,” Kurama agreed in his soft voice. “We need to figure out what’s going on.”

Yuusuke grinned now. “I’ll give you a big clue.” He waved them all to follow him and led them into a darkened room. There were five seats all lined up in a row and a screen in front of them. A projector was placed above on the opposite wall.

They all exchanged looks.

“Oh shit,” Koenma, Kurama, and Kuwabara said in unison.

Hiei grunted. “Well, either Enma’s gone completely out of his mind or someone decided to steal his idea.”

All of a sudden a loud beeping could be heard coming from somewhere else on the satellite. They followed the sound until it led them to the control room. On the view port, the emptiness of space was visible. On the panel, there was a light blinking (and, subsequently, it was also beeping) steadily.

“I know what this is,” Yuusuke said. He rubbed his hands together, walking over to the button. “It’s time to find out who’s behind all this.” He pressed it.

Another screen slid down, covering the first one, and it sizzled with static at first. Then, it cleared and revealed a smirking face with red hair.

“Good morning, my newly arrived lab rats,” greeted the person. “Find everything alright? Bathroom, kitchen?” This seemed to be a joke, but none of them found it funny. He even giggled slightly.

“Hey, I know you!” Kuwabara said. “You’re….” He scratched his head, trailing off for a moment. “Uh…”

Yuusuke snapped his fingers. Light bulb. “You were the one at Genkai’s Tournament!”

“Oh yeah!” Kuwabara said. “But… what’s his name?”

Yuusuke frowned. “Uh…”

During this, the person’s smirk slowly faltered. “You idiots can’t even remember who I am!?! I almost killed you both!”

Hiei snorted. “A lot of people do that.”

Koenma sighed loudly. “It’s Rando, you morons. Remember? Youkai with 99 attacks? Stole them all from humans?”

“Oh!” Kuwabara said.

“Right!” Yuusuke said.

Koenma stared at them, unbelieving.

“I think they’ve taken one too many blows to the head,” Hiei said. Kurama smiled at his comment, saying nothing.

Rando glared; face getting closer to the screen. “You dare mock me?! Me?!”

“No, I was mocking the idiot ningens,” Hiei pointed out.

“I don’t think he was referring to you,” Kurama told him in a stage whisper.

“We weren’t mocking him,” Yuusuke hissed at the Youko. “I honestly didn’t remember his name.”

“Oh, just shut up!” screamed Rando. “First, you weaklings keep me from stealing Genkai’s technique, then I’m sent into space, then the Netherworld sends me back here, and now I have to put up with this crap! I’m your captor, so you should be afraid! Groveling at my feet!”

Hiei snorted. Koenma and Kurama raised respective eyebrows. Yuusuke and Kuwabara just started sniggering.

“Why exactly did the Netherworld send you back?” Koenma asked, curious.

Rando didn’t answer immediately, so a little voice from somewhere behind him did it for him. “They kicked him out for being an annoying sod!”

Almost on cue, all five erupted in guffaws.

“That’s it!” Rando stormed. What had he ever done to deserve this? “For your disrespectfulness, I’m sending you a particularly awful fic. Giaki! Put ‘Hiei’s First Love’ into the feed.”

“Yes, sir!” A Lilliputian-like demon appeared on screen, a pile of papers in his hand. He put the stack of papers into a large slot, near Rando’s elbow.

“Wait,” Yuusuke said after a moment, looking hard at the tiny Youkai. “Don’t I know you?”

“I was the first demon you ever caught!!” the Youkai said proudly.

All of them exchanged glances, even Rando. That wasn’t really something to be proud of…

“Uh, right.” Yuusuke turned, waving to the demons in the screen. “Ja ne, Randy.”

“That’s Rando, you pathetic half-demon!”

“Well, this pathetic half-demon beat your ass even before I had Grandma’s training,” Yuusuke grumbled, walking into the theatre.

“Actually,” Koenma said, smirking slightly, “it was more like your dumb luck defeated Rando.”

Yuusuke glared at his boss.

“He has a point,” Hiei said. “If you hadn’t come up with that mirror trick in our first fight, I would have won.”

“And if I had fought you,” Kurama said, tone amused, “your luck would not have saved you.”

Yuusuke smiled nervously at his Youkai friends. “Uh, well I’m just glad things turned out the way they did.” After all that had happened these past few years, one thing he was especially glad for, and would never want to change, was that these people were his friends.

- Theatre -

[Sitting left to right: Kuwabara, Koenma, Yuusuke, Hiei, and Kurama]

Yuusuke: Oh, I just remembered something!
Hiei: How to get back to the Ningenkai?
Yuusuke: No, no. A friend online told me that Gainax, ADV, and the guys who did the special effects for Lord of the Rings have begun production on - you’ll never believe it - a live-action Evangelion movie.
Hiei: [eyes widen] Really?
Kurama: Sounds neat. They’ll probably change a lot of the storyline, though. After all, that’s fitting twenty-six episodes into a two-hour movie.
Hiei: Che.
Yuusuke: But it’s going to be cool!
Kurama: And Hideaki Anno and Peter Jackson probably won’t be working on it. Though, Anno will probably want to write the script.
Yuusuke: He’s not into anime anymore. He does live action stuff now. Got tired of all the crap he had to put up with. I mean, he got threat letters for Death and Rebirth! He put them in End of Evangelion!
Kurama: [nods]
Koenma: You people obsess; you do realize this?
Kuwa: Yeah, it’s just a movie. You’ll see what it’s like when it comes out.
Yuusuke: Just a movie?!
Hiei: It’s Evangelion!
Koenma: Quiet, it’s starting.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: [slumps] What he said.

>Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Koenma: And the world took a sigh of relief.
Yuusuke: At least the author’s not ranting on and on and saying how he/she would like to own us and make us love slaves…

>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuusuke: Not quite stars…
Kurama: Not quite waves…
Koenma: But whatever they are, there’s an unnecessary amount of them.
Hiei: Why does it matter? So Yuusuke can have a reason to start singing?
Yuusuke: [suggestively] Well, Kurama could sing too.
Hiei: Hm.
Kurama: [smiles]

>Hiei, the emotionless demon,

Kurama: Uh, he has emotions.
Hiei: I am NOT Heero Yuy!!!
Yuusuke: And all the right ones, apparently...
Kurama: [smirks]
Hiei: [blushes slightly and growls]
Kurama: I’m not exactly sure, but I think Aya Fujimiya has it worse than Hiei and Heero, though. The “Hn” thing shows up all the time for him.

>walked down the street

Hiei: Look, I can walk.
Kurama: How novel.

>in the Human World wondering to himself what this
>
>thing that humans called "Love" was.

Hiei: You know, demons know what love is.
Kurama: Yeah, they just choose bloodlust over it, more often than not.
Yuusuke: Obviously, you don't. Unless you get kinky...
Hiei: [turns red]
Kurama: [leers] Of course.
Hiei: [shifts in his seat]
Kuwa and Koenma: [refrain from comment]

>Just then Hiei ran into a young woman and insted of hearing the usual

>"I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going" response which he would normally respond at the same time "Watch

>where you're going" he heard another voice at the same time saying "Watch where you're going".

Yuusuke: What?
Kurama: I'm not going to even BEGIN to decipher that one.
Hiei: Avoid the headache.
Koenma: And all those double spaces are unnecessary.
Kurama: Yes.

>"EXCUSE ME!?!?" Hiei shouted and

Yuusuke: - In the explosion of sound, the young woman’s body was ripped down the middle. Her eyes rolled back into her head, the knife still embedded in her throat.
Hiei: Hiei no longer needed the wyrding module.
Kuwa: What are they talking about?
Kurama: Dune.
Koenma: Another movie. You people watch too much television.
Yuusuke: Not as much as most American children. We usually have *missions* to keep us occupied.
Koenma: [glares at him]

>looked to see who had said that.

Kurama: As if it wasn't obvious that the girl he ran into was the one that spoke.
Kuwa: When do I come in?
Yuusuke: I think this is Het.
Kurama: Ew. Het.
Hiei: [smirks at him knowingly]

>When he saw the source of the voice he

>saw a yound girl of about the age of 13 who stood at 5 foot 1 inches

Yuusuke: [wrestling announcer] And weighing at 94 pounds...
Kurama: And, like Love Line, we will add ten or twenty pounds to that, to be realistic.
Hiei: Can I do the Diamond Cutter and be done with it, already?
Kurama: It's never that easy.
Kuwa: You want to wrestle with her?
Hiei: [looks ill] No, I just want to kill her so I don't have to deal with her.
Yuusuke: [grins] And so he can wrestle with a certain redhead...
Hiei: [turns red]
Kurama: So when's the match?
Hiei: [slides down in his seat, trying to hide himself] [Unable to hold himself back, Kurama pulled the Fire Demon into his lap, meeting the new quota per MST]

>with mid-back length brown hair pulled back into

>a high and tight ponytail. She had brown eyes that had hazel specks and silver rimmed glasses.

Kurama: I don’t think this is the first Self Insertion I’ve seen with glasses, but I must admit it’s the first one in a while.
Yuusuke: [deadpans] They’re fake.
Hiei: [smirks as he remembers FLCL]

>She wore a tight black

>shirt and tight-at-the-top black jeans that started losening up at the knees and flared out at the ankles.

Koenma: And the SI has just met her quota for describing herself.
Hiei: Of course, never mind describing me.
Kurama: Or anything else.

>"You heard me," she responded simply

Kuwa: He’d probably would have killed her by now.
Hiei: Hn. Not worth my time.

>Then Hiei did what he normally would if he felt like he was insulted, He drew his sword.

Koenma: He’s a god now?
Yuusuke: Only be worried if this ends up being a crossover with Akira.
Hiei: [Tetsuo] I am…
[Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama stare at him]

>"I am Hiei,

[a long pause]
[no, a bit longer than that]
[yeah, now you got it]
Yuusuke: Well, that’s unnerving.
Hiei: [smirks]

>I'm a demon who could be responsible for your death if you don't show some respect"

Hiei: I sound like that idiot Rando.
Rando’s voice: I heard that!
Hiei: I know.
[the other four stare at him worriedly]

>"OH! I'm so scared! You honestly thought I didn't know that you were a demon?"

Kurama: That’s being a blatant Self Insertion!
Hiei: How… irritating.
Koenma: And the reason why we’re reading it.

>Hiei's eyes grew wide "Liar" he wispered

Kurama - forgetting proper punctuations like commas and periods.
Hiei: Definitely not me.
Yuusuke: Hey, I just thought of something.
Koenma: Look out.
Yuusuke: [glares at him] How do you know how to read, Hiei?
Hiei: [shrugs] Spend enough time in one place and you tend to pick up on the culture.
Yuusuke: Oh.
Kurama: In other words, I taught him.
Yuusuke: Oh. Cute.

>"Oh, you think so?" She drew a sword out of what seemed like nowhere and prepared to fight Hiei.

Koenma: Make another check on the self insertion list. She’s wearing clothing which should not have been able to hide a sword.
Kuwa: Another vortex?
Yuusuke: [sighs] Good grief.

>"I'm Amanda,

Koenma: Another one. She has an obviously American name and knows fluent Japanese.
Kurama: You call that fluent?
Yuusuke: Take her green card away and deport her! Quick!

>let's see who will end who's life"

Yuusuke: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Kuwa: No competition.
Hiei: Hn.
Koenma: Know you nothing of self insertions? Just watch, she’ll be able to match Hiei’s skill and defeat him.
Hiei: Impossible.
Koenma: No one ever accused SIs of being logical.
Kurama: Now I’m in the mood to watch Princess Bride…
Yuusuke: Crap! All my movies and anime are back on Earth!
Rando: [laughs evilly]
Yuusuke: [glares at the ceiling] You’ll pay for this.
Koenma: Yes, never separate Yuusuke from his beloved collection.
Yuusuke: Shut up, pacifier breath.
Koenma: Make me, grease for brains.
[the two face off, lightning crackling above their heads]
Hiei: [lowly] If you two want we can leave and you can be alone.
Kuwa: Ew, Yuusuke! He’s *Koenma!!*
Kurama: [smiles] Why, I never knew…
Yuusuke: Shut up! I don’t like him!
[Koenma, face red, isn’t saying a word]

>They started fighting eachother at the same speed and matching eachother move for move until Hiei

Hiei: -Killed her.
Kurama: Each other are two separate words.
Koenma: You missed a lot of mistakes.
Kurama: [glares] Do I wave your failures in your face?!
Hiei: [snuggles into his embrace] Calm down, Imp.
Koenma: By the way, I told you so.
Yuusuke: Whatever.
Koenma: [glares at him again]

>seemed to get tired and collapsed.

Hiei: After using the kokoryuha, which incinerated her. The end.
Yuusuke: I *like* that ending.

>Hiei sudenly felt a sensation that he had never felt before.

Hiei: … And that would be… what?
Kurama: “Suddenly.”
Yuusuke: Well, it’s not losing, because Mukuro kicked your ass.
Hiei: Shut up.
Kurama: [growls and holds Hiei closer] Mine…
Hiei: [nestles his face into Kurama’s neck, finding a spot by his ear to kiss]

>"You're better than I gave you credit for, we will meet in combat again"

Yuusuke: Mortal Kombat?
Hiei: That movie sucked.
Yuusuke: Well, the first one is neat, just to see Christopher Lambert.
Hiei: Who?
Yuusuke: Conner in Highlander. Plays Reiden in Mortal Kombat.
Hiei: Oh, lightning guy.
Yuusuke: Right.
Kurama: There was lightning in Highlander too.
Yuusuke: That’s right…

>Amanda opened a gate, no doubt to

Kuwa: Her front yard.
Koenma: A black hole.
Yuusuke: Another classroom, losing Tomoyo along the way.
Hiei: The Clamp Menace strikes again.
Yuusuke: [wonders if he should point out that that was two Star Wars titles combined, but decides not to.]

>the Demon World and jumped through

Koenma: And to top off the list, she’s a demon.
Other four: Oh…
Yuusuke: Looks like we can’t get her deported after all.
Hiei: Shit.

>as Hiei wondered why she didn't finish him off when she had the chance...


Kuwa: “If you don’t kill me now, I’ll come back and kill you.”
Yuusuke: [hums It’s Just Love]
Kurama: [hits him]
Koenma: A joke must be funny before it’s gets old, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Shut up, you annoying -
Kurama: Is it over?
Kuwa: Guess so.
Hiei: Good, now I need the restroom.
[the five race out of the theatre]

-Satellite, Bridge -

Rando is smirking into the screen yet again. “So, victims, how was it? Are you ready to give up and swear allegiance to me?”

“You want to be a leader?” Koenma sniffed. “Ooh, that’s original!”

“You’ll never take us alive, *Randy,*” Yuusuke said, coming up alongside his boss.

Rando glared. “Just for that, I’m finding a Yuusuke/Kuwabara for next time.”

“Do your worst.”

“All talk, Yuusuke,” Koenma whispered.

“Shut up,” Yuusuke hissed back.

“If you don’t mind my asking, Rando,” Kurama spoke up. “What is the name of this satellite?”

Rando puffed up visibly. “Satellite of the Deranged Demon!!”

“You come up with that all by yourself?” Hiei raised an eyebrow. Kuwabara snickered, and Rando ignored him.

“Hey, Yuusuke,” Kurama said suddenly. “Remember that the acronym for Satellite of Love was SOL - Shit Outta Luck?” Yuusuke nodded. “Well, it’s ironic that ours is SODD. Remember what Giaki said earlier? About him being kicked out by the Netherworld?”

“Sod!” Yuusuke gasped. He, Kuwabara, and Koenma broke up laughing.

Rando’s eye twitched visibly and the screen filled with static once again.

When he stopped laughing, Koenma had a thoughtful expression on his face. “We should rename it. Something with more finesse. Like, ‘Satellite of the Almighty Koenma.’”

“That doesn’t have finesse,” Hiei muttered. “That’s just stupid, you narcissistic junior god.” The other Reikai Tantei agreed and Koenma glared at them.

Yuusuke suddenly busted up laughing again. “SOAK!!” He clutched his stomach now, tears coming out of his eyes.

“Shut up!” the godling shouted.

“Ha ha ha! Oh, my ribs…”

*

A few hours later, Koenma, Yuusuke, and Kuwabara, all hungry, walked into the kitchen to make absolutely sure that all it had was milk when they were greeted by another surprise.

Hiei lay sprawled on the floor, topless, rubbing his built stomach and smiling, scarlet eyes glazed over. There were bowls and spoons scattered about his person. Kurama stood off to the side, eating something out of a bowl of his own, far more slowly than Hiei must have.

“Uh… What are you guys doing?” Yuusuke asked. Hiei looked like he’d just…

“We mixed the milk with ice and made some ice cream,” Kurama explained.

“Ice cream,” Hiei moaned, in an unmistakable sort of way that had all of them staring at him, slack jawed.

Kurama pouted. “You never say it like that for me…”

And if the others didn’t know any better, they would have sworn Hiei’s smirk grew larger at that.

“Ingenious,” Koenma complemented, clearing his throat. “You have any left?”

Kurama smirked now too. “You mean, what Hiei didn’t gorge himself on? You’d be surprised how much ice cream he can eat. And it’s not like he’ll be sick from it. He just gets brain freeze now and again.” He waved toward the refrigerator. “But I made him save you some.” The other three fixed themselves some, and as they were leaving to give the couple privacy, they watched as Hiei pulled Kurama to the ground to lay on top of him, not looking quite so sated by the ice cream anymore. Quickly, they left.

They could hear the moaning from the control room.

“Good ice cream, huh?” Yuusuke asked, not a little blushing. None of them looked at each other or said a word.

And so passed their first trying day in their new home away from home.


Note: The title of the episode is from Maze, right? There’s a character in Maze: The Mega-Burst Space named Randy… Stupid pun was intended.