Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Christmas In A Small Satellite ( Chapter 14 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Um… Don’t start this one unless you have a lot of time today. I mean it. It’s 88 pages long on Word.

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode Fourteen: Christmas In A Small Satellite
Story: Suicide; Chapters Seven thru Nine
Story By: Rose Thorne
Msted by: Chrissy

Why am I msting this? Honestly, I can’t say no to the woman.

The New Years episode has to be a lemon (to mst), so if anyone could suggest one (whether Het, Yaoi, or Yuri) that would be great. Thanks. Katyfoxdemon2 is currently my number one target, but I’m willing to look at others. (And I could always do them later, too.)

- Satellite, Christmas Eve -

“No, lift it up higher,” Koenma directed as he stood watching Yuusuke and Kuwabara holding up the line of lights on opposite sides of the room.

Yuusuke sighed and stood on his toes. “Here?”

The Christmas decorations had been found the previous week during one of their room excavations. The lights were incredibly gaudy-looking, and every third bulb didn’t work. There was what Yuusuke dubbed, “the ghetto tree,” and what Kurama called, “the Charlie Brown Christmas tree,” which was fake, barely a foot and a half high, and in pitiful condition. It could only hold one decoration, and even then it tilted to one side due to the weight. Also, there was a humongous Frosty the Snowman lawn decoration. Lastly, there was a doghouse with an assortment of stuff attached that could not be removed, including a first place ribbon and a long braid. Yuusuke professed it was a replica of Duo Maxwell’s braid while Hiei said it was a dead rat. Kuwabara had been freaked out by that and refused to go near the thing. Presents had been placed around the “ghetto tree” which were small and piteous in number.

“No, higher.”

The teen glared at the godling. “I’m sorry that I’m not as tall as Kuwabara,” the said human boy puffed up at this, “but if you want, you can do this and I’ll direct *you* around, you overbearing -”

“Actually, Kuwabara, if you could bring yours lower just a bit, that would work a lot better,” Koenma said, cutting him off. Kuwabara complied and the line was aligned along the wall. “There, perfect.”

Yuusuke stapled his side of the lights along the wall and turned back to Koenma. “Anything else, *Master*?”

Kuwabara sniggered. “I bet Koenma likes it when you call him that.”

Yuusuke blushed. “Shut up or I’ll staple your hair up next.”

*

“Can I open my eyes now?”

“Not yet,” said Kurama breezily as he pulled a bowl from the ice box. He sat it in front of the fire demon at the table. Since the last holiday they had managed to get rid of the pseudo turkey dinner, which was a relief. Also, the Youko had somehow negotiated with Rando for a bigger variety of food. No one was quite sure how he’d managed it. “Okay, now.”

Hiei looked to see that his favorite fox (and consequently, the only one he *did* know) had made him ice cream. “Sweet snow?”

Kurama bent and kissed his forehead. “Merry Christmas.”

“*This* is my present?”

Kurama’s smile grew. “Well… sort of…”

“Imp, I already told you we can’t conceive the child here,” Hiei griped around a mouthful of ice cream. “There are too many unknown variables -”

"Like, not knowing when we’ll get home, and 'I’m not giving birth in this blah blah, you can forget it, Kurama,'" the Youko finished for him, having heard this excuse before.

“Right.”

“I was thinking just hot sex would be enough,” Kurama told him, sitting down at the table.

The fire demon stopped eating for a moment and blinked at his ice cream. “But we do that all the time.”

The Youko raised an eyebrow. “Oh? So we’re stopping now?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“What were you saying?”

“… Kurama?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Let me eat.”

“Yes, dear.”

*

“I’m not going near that thing! Hiei said it was a dead rat, Urameshi!”

“Yeah, and he also said that there were girls in the theatre bathroom, now go over there and hand me my crowbar.”

“But it *looks* like a dead rat!”

“Well, if it *is* dead,” Koenma said from where he sat next to Yuusuke, “then there’s nothing you need to worry about. Logically.”

“Yeah,” Yuusuke added. “Just don’t touch it.”

Kuwabara sulked. “Oh, alright.” The tall youth walked over to the doghouse and picked up “Lucy.” He stared at the wad of hair, almost as if he was waiting for it to move. When it didn’t, he moved to stand up straight - and the thing actually *did* move! Kuwabara screamed (like a girl) and ran out of the control room.

Yuusuke and Koenma nearly fell over each other laughing. The youngest of the pair went to untie Lucy, attached by a string, from the dishevelled braid on the doghouse. “That was brilliant, K-chan.”

“One of my better ideas,” the godling admitted, still sniggering.

*

“Why are we doing this again?” Hiei asked. He and his four friends were standing in front of the frizzling view screen, waiting for Rando to appear. They all held sheets of paper in their hands.

Kurama blinked. “Oh, didn’t I tell you? This is what I promised in exchange for the food.”

Slowly, everyone turned to gaze at the redhead with bewildered expressions.

The half-human folded his arms in irritation. “Look, I didn’t like the idea either. But do *you* all want to eat *Jell-O* again this holiday?” This got a negative response. “Okay, so suck up and play along.”

“But why letters to Santa Claus?” Kuwabara asked.

“‘Deranged Demon,” Koenma pronounced slowly. The orange-haired human still didn’t get it.

Rando’s image suddenly appeared in front of them, smirking customarily.

“Yo, Randy!” Yuusuke grinned from ear to ear. “We were just talking about you.”

“I bet you were,” Rando said, teeth grating at the now familiar nickname. “Now, have you got your letters to Santa?” Nods answered him all around. “Good. Urameshi, you start us off.”

Yuusuke didn’t read off of his. He held it up for Rando to see as he said, “Dear Santa. All I want for Christmas is for Rando to get the Plague.”

Hiei gave him a strange look. “It’s not slow enough.”

Yuusuke rolled his eyes. “Okay, what did you write then?”

The fire demon lifted his paper to read. “I don’t believe in you, Claus, and have no idea why I’m doing this. But Kurama asked me to. I want to tear Rando’s skin off and watch as his life force slowly drains away,” he said in a dark, intense voice.

The humans and Koenma took an involuntary step away from the fire demon. Kurama, for some reason, found it hard to suppress laughter. (To each his own.)

Rando’s eyebrow twitched. “Ah… yes. And you, Kurama?”

Kurama shrugged. “I don’t need to write a letter to you, Santa Claus. Hiei’s already promised me my gift.” He looked down at his fiancé then. Hiei smiled back at him.

“What ARE you guys talking about!?” Yuusuke demanded.

Rando looked like he wanted to barf from the cute behavior in front of him. “Figure it out on your own time, Urameshi. How about you, infant?”

Koenma glared at him and snapped his paper before reading. “I’d like to watch as Rando’s belly is cut open and his insides slowly topple out,” he said around his pacifier.

The redheaded Youkai smirked. “My. Bloodthirsty, aren’t we?”

Hazel eyes looked fiercely up at him balefully. “You have no idea.”

“We’ve been here too long,” Kurama stage-whispered to Hiei.

Rando leaned over onto the control board in front of him, looking bored. “And you, Kuwabara?”

“Santa, I’d like to beat Rando into a bloody pulp. Then watch Urameshi beat him into an even more bloody pulp. And then I’d beat him up some more -”

“That’s not how you spell my name,” Yuusuke said, reading over his shoulder.

“Urameshi! It’s still my turn!”

“Dude, you wrote a whole fucking paragraph! And it’s crappy.”

Kuwabara pulled his paper away from Yuusuke’s view and glared at him. “Yours wasn’t so great either!”

“Okay, kiddies!” Rando interrupted their tirade. “Now, it’s that time again.”

“What time?” Kuwabara asked.

“Time to go into the theatre and wait for our brain cells to fry?” Koenma guessed dryly. He was watching as Yuusuke folded up his wish list into a paper airplane.

“Yes! And you can have a break after the first chapter for breakfast -” The paper airplane came colliding to where his head was visible on the screen. The captives all smiled. Rando glared. “Get into the theatre. Now.”

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the theatre we go,” Yuusuke started singing and Hiei jabbed him in the ribs. “Ow!”

“No singing until we’re inside, baka.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Does it look like I care?”

“Hey,” Kuwabara said, smiling, “you two rhymed!”

“Too bad we’re being timed,” Koenma said.

“We are?” Yuusuke asked him.

“Just get inside!” They heard Rando scream from behind them.

“Yeah, whatever, Randy. Just remember you promised us a break.” Yuusuke stuffed his hands into his pant’s pockets and led the way into the darkened theatre.

- Theatre -

Yuusuke: [immediately starts singing once they sit down] In past days, incomprehensible breath always followed slowly/ In the future, fate is in a hurry… [We Are, Zelgadis’ image song]
Koenma: I wish fate would hurry along our captivity so we could get out of here quicker.
Kurama: [singing] Red yellow sunflower, orange, navy blue hydrangea/ Red yellow sunflower, orange, navy blue hydrangea… [Nightwalker opening song]

>Suicide

Yuusuke: Oh, this should be pleasant.
Koenma: We’re going to leave the theatre today feeling so uplifted and reassured of future happiness.
Yuusuke: Yup.

>by Rose Thorne

Hiei: Oh, great. I’m going to kill myself.
Kurama: What?
Hiei: [points up] It’s about me, Imp.
Kurama: [blinks] Oh.

>~Standard Disclaimers Apply~

All: [say along as the words scroll up]

>Chapter Seven

Kurama: What? No chapter one?!
Hiei: Good. Maybe I killed myself in the first chapter and I’m no longer in the fic.
Kurama: Doubt that.
Hiei: Yeah. But it was a nice hope.
Kurama: [gives him a strange look]
Kuwa: Didn’t this happen with Half-breed’s Curse? We read the second chapter?
Yuusuke: Which one was that again?
Koenma: The Ranma ½ one.
Yuusuke: Oh, yeah!

>Yuusuke woke early the next morning,

Yuusuke: Ha!
Hiei: - to the sound of Botan tapping the outside of his window, telling him he had another mission in the theatre.
Yuusuke: [sighs] That’s one thing I do remember. These used to be missions.
Hiei: Either way you look at it, it’s still torture.
Yuusuke: Yup.
Koenma: [is just glad that no one’s is holding him at fault]

>sitting up, then flinching a bit as he found himself at a lower level than he usually did when he awoke.

Yuusuke: Lower level?
Koenma: Of the bed?
Kurama: Of the floor?
Yuusuke: Power level?
Hiei: Does it matter?
Yuusuke: Probably not. We *have* missed the first six chapters of this thing.

>Then he remembered.

Kurama: He had a date with Keiko today. And he was already late!
Yuusuke: Hard to be late when I’ve woken up early.
Kurama: You’ll probably turn over and go back to sleep.
Yuusuke: Yeah. [yawns] Sounds good.

>Stupid futon.

Yuusuke: Damn you, futon. Damn you to hell!
Kurama: Thanks, Charlton Heston.

>The teen sighed and lay back, wondering what the day had in store.

Yuusuke: Teasing Kuwabara, getting teased by Hiei and Kurama, blushing because of Koenma, yelling at Randy about food…
Kurama: That is what most of your days consist of. Maybe you should go into the theatre for a while.
Yuusuke: I wanna nap instead.

>He sincerely hoped that Hiei wasn't going to be as difficult as he had been, but that was like asking pigs to fly.

Yuusuke: We can drop-kick Ryoga if it helps.
Kuwa: “Oi, P-chan!”
Koenma: “Annoying pig-boy.”
Kurama: “My Charlotte!” And Hiei’s not *that* bad, story.
Hiei: Logically, I could be. We *have* missed the first six chapters.
Kurama: [shrugs]

>He, fortunately, hadn't had any problems with the fire demon after Atsuko had left.

Koenma: Why? Did she try to eat him?
Yuusuke: [starts laughing] Monster! [falls over]
Koenma: [stares]
Kurama: Queer Eye for the “Strait” Demon. And you are never to mention that fic again in my presence.

>When he'd gotten to his bedroom, Hiei was already curled up on the futon closest to the window, either asleep of pretending to be. Yuusuke hadn't bothered him.

Hiei: Wait. Why am I rooming with Yuusuke?
Kuwa: It’s a Yuusuke/Hiei?
Koenma: Oh, I think I’ve read this before! It *is* a Yuusuke/Hiei.
Hiei: What!?!
Yuusuke: [slumps] Great. *Kurama’s* going to threaten to kill me today.
Koenma: [pats]
Kuwa: So, what happens, Koenma?
Koenma: … Can’t remember. It’s been a while.
Kuwa: Damn.

>The teen glanced at the clock, blinking as he noticed the time. Noon?

Yuusuke: Uh, story, if it’s *noon* then it’s not early.
Kurama: Well, that’s early for you.
Yuusuke: [raspberry]

>Damn, we're supposed to meet Kurama in an hour. He glanced over at Hiei's futon, sitting up sharply as he noticed that it was empty. Where . . .?

Yuusuke: [singing] Oh, where has my little fire demon gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?
Hiei: Making my way out of this fan fic. And I’m definitely not *yours*.
Yuusuke: [blushes] It’s in the song.
Hiei: I don’t care.

>Then he noticed the shadow on the futon and looked up at the window.

Yuusuke: [deep voice] Where has Hiei gone? The Shadow knows!
Koenma: High-ho, Silver, away - from this fan fic!

>The fire demon was perched on the windowsill--

Hiei: Of course.

>curled in the frame in a way that somehow made sitting on a sharp corner of wood look comfortable--asleep.

Yuusuke: I thought you were asleep in the bed, Hiei. Er, futon.
Hiei: The me-clone was trying to get away from the you-clone as he was trying to slip into the futon.
Yuusuke: [chokes]

>"Hiei?" The boy's eyes snapped open, landing on Yuusuke immediately.

Yuusuke: Ew! Get ‘em off, get ‘em off!
Koenma: What?!
Yuusuke: [smirks] Take it literally.
Koenma: [rolls his eyes]
Hiei: *Boy?*
Kuwa: Shouta-con.
Yuusuke: Ew.
Kurama: Shut up, you read Snarry.
Yuusuke: Yeah, and most of them take place when Harry’s sixteen and older. Sixteen is of-age over there.
Kurama: It’s still Shouta-con.
Yuusuke: [raspberry]

>"We're supposed to meet Kurama in an hour." The youkai shrugged. "Why are you up there?"
>"None of your business."

Hiei: [himself] I can sleep cramped up in windowsills if I fucking want to!
Yuusuke: Yeah!

>Yuusuke scowled, then shrugged.

Koenma: Notice the complex display of human emotions. The turmoil that is running through the young man’s mind -
Yuusuke: [snickers] Sounds like a Zel/Xel fic.
Koenma: [sighs]

>It was, after all, not his business.

Hiei: Damn right it isn’t.

>He got up and grabbed some clothes from the closet. "If you're hungry, you can go rummage in the kitchen to see if we have anything.

Kurama: He would have even if you hadn’t given him permission.
Hiei: Hn.

>Otherwise, we'll get something while we're out." The teen went to the bathroom to change. He headed for the kitchen, frowning as he realized that Hiei wasn't in there.

Yuusuke: [singing] Oh where, oh where -
Hiei: [hits him]

>A glance around the living room revealed that Hiei was sitting, as he had the night before,

Kurama: Which we wouldn’t know about since we haven’t read the *first six chapters!*
Hiei: Good. Less to read.

>in a chair next to the window, one knee drawn up with his chin resting on it as he looked out at the city.

Kurama: Picturesque.
Koenma: Not without the cherry blossoms.
Yuusuke: That’s Clamp.
Koenma: And Sailor Moon S.
Yuusuke: Well, then you’ll need violin music playing in the background.

>"Hiei, aren't you hungry?"

Hiei: No, I had plenty of sweet snow.
Yuusuke: We have ice cream?
Hiei: [smirks] Not anymore.

>The fire demon shook his head, not tearing his gaze from the window. "All right, then. We'll get something later." Hiei didn't move.

Hiei: He’d been turned to stone.
Yuusuke: Again, that reminds me of a Zel/Xel fic.
Hiei: Hn.

>"C'mon, Hiei. We're going to be late if we don't leave soon."
>As the boy stood, Yuusuke cursed.

Hiei: Why? Because I did what you wanted?
Yuusuke: No, you probably hit me in the ribs again.
Hiei: [smirks]
Yuusuke: Masochist.
Hiei: That’s when a person enjoys their own pain, not the pain they give others.
Yuusuke: So says the person who fried his arm because, “it wouldn’t do what he told it to do.”
Hiei: Hn. It’s my arm; I can do with it what I want.
Kurama: [is wincing]

>Hiei was wearing his usual clothes, including the ratty-looking tank top.

Kurama: We’ve gone through this before. They’re not ratty, they’re scorched.

>We're going to have to take public transportation, and those wards . . .

Koenma: Can be excused as bandages - just get on with it!

>"You're going to have to change back into the clothes from yesterday.

Hiei: Oh, sure, you’d like me to strip, wouldn’t you?
Kurama: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: Oi.

>We'll be getting you more clothes today." Hiei said nothing.

Hiei: He just killed him instead.
Yuusuke: Am I irritating you that much?
Hiei: I *hate* shopping.
Kurama: [softly] It’s so much more fun stealing…
Koenma: What was that?
Kurama: Nothing.

>He went back into the bedroom, returning a few moments later in the jeans and shirt he'd worn the day before.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] Ew, ningen clothes! Get ‘em off, get ‘em off!

>"Good. Let's go." He locked the door behind them, then led Hiei in the direction of the subway. This is going to be interesting . . .

Yuusuke: What is?
Koenma: Our reactions to this fic.

>* * *

Yuusuke: We'll sleep under a night sky full of stars, /large in number, /and trace its strange, roundabout way… [We Are, again]
Kurama: That’s Zelgadis’ song?
Yuusuke: Yeah.
Kurama: Strange for him not to make any sense.
Yuusuke: [snorts]

>Yuusuke sighed in relief as he saw Kurama waiting for them at the cafe they'd decided to meet at.

Yuusuke: [mimes thrusting out something] Here, you take him!
Kurama: Hm. [puts and arm around Hiei and leans against him]
Hiei: Bored already?
Koenma: There’s nothing for him to correct.
Kurama: Oh, go fuck Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: [blushes]
Koenma: I’d like to, but I’m too worried he’ll freak and run off.
Yuusuke: [blushes further] Hey! I’m not that bad!

>The train ride had been extremely crowded and less than pleasant for both Hiei and Yuusuke.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] I hate people.
Hiei: Hn.

>They had been forced to stand, packed closely with other people.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] I *really* hate people.
Hiei: Especially ningens.
Yuusuke: Right.

>Hiei was too short to reach something to hold onto and had ended up being bumped around for most of the trip.

Hiei: [dryly] Ha ha.
Yuusuke: And he saw Rei and Shinji sitting at the other end of the train, talking about something he couldn’t understand…
Hiei: [blinks] That was after Toji’s accident right?
Yuusuke: Yeah, the dream he had in the hospital.
Hiei: Right. What were Rei and Shinji talking about?
Yuusuke: Can’t remember.
Hiei: Hn.

>The fire demon had been pale nearly the entire time, practically hyperventilating every time the train lurched to a stop and people pressed harder against them, making room for those shifting to get out.

Yuusuke: Ew!! Annoying ningens!
Hiei: More like smelly, dirty ningens.
Yuusuke: Oi!
Hiei: Well, you are.

>He'd calmed down slightly when a seat had opened up nearby and he'd been lucky enough to grab it, but he had only completely returned to normal after they'd left the train and exited the packed subway.

Yuusuke: Mm. Subway. I’m hungry.
Koenma: We’re supposed to get a break after… this chapter.
Kurama: Wait…
Kuwa: There’s more?!
Rando’s voice: [is cackling]
Yuusuke: Oh, crap!!
Rando: Merry Christmas!
Yuusuke: Sod off!

>Yuusuke was left wondering about his reaction. Claustrophobia? [1] Hiei?

Kurama: No, but he’s a wee bit afraid of heights.
Yuusuke: *Hiei*?
Hiei: I’m not infallible.
Yuusuke: But… You’re always pulling a Yuuto! Standing on poles and trees and such.
Hiei: [shrugs] I ignore it most of the time.
Yuusuke: Ah.

>But it made a lot of sense once he put the pieces together--Hiei sleeping on the windowsill rather than the futon and him sitting near the window in the living room.

Hiei: I’m just surprised that Yuusuke made the connection.
Yuusuke: Hey!
Koenma: Reminds me of the Ninja Turtles movie.
Yuusuke: Oh. What’s his face. When he slept in the car.
Koenma: Yeah.

>He ran through previous memories, noting that Hiei almost always stood by a door or window. That must be it.

Yuusuke: Well… You *do* do that.
Kurama: He used to like to ignore the rest of us.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: Or at least pretend to.

>He'd have to ask the fire demon later,

Hiei: Like I’d give him a straight answer.
Yuusuke: Yeah, be unreasonable.
Hiei: I plan to.

>and if he was right he was going to go to Koenma and demand real beds so Hiei would be nearly level to the window. Hell, we're supposed to be making him feel better.

Hiei: Then let me out of this fic!
Yuusuke: Here, here.

>He would try to omit Hiei's claustrophobia

Hiei: *Supposed* claustrophobia. You haven’t proven it yet.
Yuusuke: Well, you’re not going to tell me if I asked.
Hiei: Wasn’t talking to you.
Yuusuke: Okay. The you-clone wouldn’t have given the me-clone a straight answer.
Hiei: Damn right. But that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and make an assumption.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>when he spoke to the demi-god. It was none of Koenma's business, and Hiei deserved at least some privacy.

Koenma: [blinks] Oh, I think I remember a bit of it now.
Kurama: Do share with the rest of us, Koenma.
Koenma: Well, Hiei tried to kill himself and now he’s staying with Yuusuke so he can keep an eye on him.
Hiei: See? Told you it was me.
Kurama: Aa.
Hiei: [smirks] Only, if it *really* had been me, I wouldn’t have failed.
Kurama: [frowns] Well, *you* wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself.
Hiei: [sniffs] Of course not. There’s nothing to gain from it.
Kuwa: But… Yuusuke and Hiei are together?
Hiei: [twitch]
Koenma: Not yet.
Hiei: More like not *ever*.
Koenma: In the fic.
Hiei: Don’t care.

>Hiei noticeably stiffened at the sight of Kurama, and Yuusuke frowned, mentally filing the reaction away for later analysis.

Kurama: [Yuusuke] Ah, screw it. I don’t care that much.
Yuusuke: Hey! He’s my friend, of course I care. Especially if he tried to off himself.

>Kurama, for his part, smiled as he saw them. "Konnichi wa! Are you two hungry?"

Kuwa: Starving. Stupid Rando sent us in here without our breakfast.
Koenma: Why didn’t you think to bring it in here with you?
Kuwa: Uh… Neither did you, toddler.
Koenma: [glares] I’m not the one complaining about being hungry. [his stomach growls loudly]
Yuusuke: [snickers] You don’t have to!
Koenma: [sighs]

>"Yes. We haven't eaten yet," Yuusuke replied as Hiei shrugged.

Koenma: Don’t care, don’t wanna be here.
Hiei: You got that right.

>They sat down at the table

Kurama: [perks right up] Ooh! No period, no period!
Others: [stare at him]
Kurama: What?
Koenma: Hiei, sit on him and shift again. Or something. Just keep his mind occupied.
Hiei: I don’t have to take orders from you right now.
Koenma: [glares]
Kuwa: It’s true. We’re not on a mission.
Koenma: I know that!

>"Well, they have good food here, and it's not too expensive, so we can eat here."

Yuusuke: Who’s talking?
Kurama: Me.
Yuusuke: Oh. Can’t muster enough enthusiasm to pay attention. I still want that nap.

>"That's fine with me. Hiei?" The fire demon shrugged again, not looking at either of them.

Yuusuke: Yup. That’s our friendly neighborhood sociopath.
Kurama: [hits him]
Koenma: That’s an oxymoron anyway, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: [pouts and rubs the spot Kurama hit]

>"Good. Anything you can recommend, Kurama?"

Kurama: Getting out of the fic as quickly as possible.
Yuusuke: That’s what I wanted for Christmas.
Kurama: Well, Santa didn’t hear you.
Yuusuke: Stupid git’s probably helping Frosty refreeze or something and is too busy to help with my problems.

>The redhead grinned. "Everything I've tried has been really good. Just pick what you like. Just remember, it's all American food."

Kurama: She could change that second “just” to “and.” Or change the first to “so.”
Koenma: You’re actually not supposed to start a sentence with “and.”
Kurama: [shrugs] If it helps from writing a carry-on sentence, I’ll use it anyway.

>Yuusuke scanned the menu, frowning as Hiei ignored his. "Hiei, you're going to eat something. Choose something you want."

Yuusuke: Probably sweet snow.
Kurama: Rose Thorne isn’t that stereotypical.

>The sanjiyan [2]

Hiei: [smirks]

>scowled and grabbed his menu, looking it over. Yuusuke returned his attention to his own, quickly deciding on the club sandwich.

Yuusuke: Mmm. That’s what I want.
Kurama: Okay, remind me later.
Yuusuke: [smiles] Really?
Kurama: [nods] Uh huh.
Yuusuke: Cool! Go faster, fic, I want my sandwich!

>A waiter hurried over as he set down his menu, and Yuusuke ordered it and a lemonade, blinking as Hiei unhesitatingly ordered the same thing.

Kurama: [dryly] How cute.
Yuusuke: [nervously looking over at him] Kurama, you know I think of you and Hiei as older brothers. And some days Hiei’s the father figure I never had.
Hiei: [hides a smile]
Kurama: [doesn’t] I know.

>While waiting for the food to arrive, Yuusuke and Kurama made small talk.

Kurama: [himself] How was school?
Yuusuke: [himself] Didn’t go.

>Hiei ignored both of them,

Yuusuke: Because he’s cool, moody, and introspective and as such he doesn’t freaking have to pay attention to the menial conversations of the two ningens!
Hiei: Right. Though Kurama’s not all human technically.

>fixing his gaze on the ground and sipping at his lemonade when it came. When their food came, they ate quickly, then paid and left.

Koenma: And the audience shall be riveted during the restaurant scene!
Others: [snore loudly]

>* * *

Yuusuke: Starlight, star bright, the first… six stars I see tonight.

>Yuusuke shifted in the chair, sighing in annoyance as he watched Kurama try to convince Hiei to try on a red shirt.

Hiei: Red?
Kurama: Not his color. Clashes with the white locks on his forehead.
Koenma: If it’s a red Chinese shirt with black pants, Yuusuke won’t stop making Ranma ½ jokes for hours.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: [smirks at him] Besides, black is sexier.
Hiei: [returns smirk]

>The fire demon had agreed to mostly black items, allowing a few blue articles into the mix.

Hiei: I like those colors. End of story.
Yuusuke: We wish.

>"Come on, Hiei! It'd look good on you!"

Kurama: Someone shoot the me-clone.
Hiei: While we’re at it, put mine out of his misery as well.
Yuusuke: Don’t have to, you’ll end up doing it yourself.
Hiei: Oh. Right. Could try out that “chopping off my own head” idea.
Kurama: Hiei.
Hiei: [defensively] It was just an idea.

>Yuusuke grinned slightly as Hiei grabbed the shirt from Kurama and stalked toward the dressing room, evidently sick of arguing.

Yuusuke: Sick! Sick, I tell you!
Hiei: Actually, I was going to burn it while Kurama wasn’t looking.
Kurama: I’d have to pay for it anyway.
Hiei: Not if no one found out.

>The boy exited the dressing room a few moments later tossing the red shirt on the 'acceptable' pile, obviously not wanting to stay in the dressing room very long. Claustrophobia.

Hiei: No, I just found the hidden cameras.
Yuusuke: [looks at him]
Kurama: He saw it on TV back in the Ningenkai.
Yuusuke: Oh. Just checking.

>Kurama grinned, holding up another shirt. "How about-"

Yuusuke: You’re way too eager about this, Kurama.
Koenma: Reminds me of how orgasmic he got when he saw that missing period.
Yuusuke: [falls over laughing]
Kurama: [blushes lightly]

>"No. I'm not trying on anything else. Buy these." Hiei sat down in the chair next to Yuusuke, his expression revealing that trying to get him to move would prove fruitless unless they were leaving.

Yuusuke: I've paid my dues /Time after time /I've done my sentence /But committed no crime /And bad mistakes /I've made a few /I've had my share of sand kicked in my face /But I've come through…
Koenma: That would make a good YYH music video.
Yuusuke: And “We Will Rock You”.
Koenma: Yeah.

My bladder's going to burst . . .

Kurama: Lovely. Thanks for sharing that with us.
Yuusuke: It’s not like we hesitate to share other things with each other.
Kurama: I know, we’re like a family.
Yuusuke: [smiles]

>Yuusuke stood and shoved the clothes into Kurama's arms. "I'll be back in
a minute."
>The redhead blinked. "Where're you going?"

Yuusuke: To hell, once you find out I’m sleeping with your fire demon.
Kurama: Yup.

>"Restroom. Just sit down and wait for me.

Hiei: [himself] No, we’re gonna run off to Tijuana.
Kurama: [himself] We’ll write.

>I don't want to have to look all over the store for you two." He was extremely glad that the restroom was near the dressing rooms. I hate shopping . . .

Hiei: Ditto.

>I always get dragged into it.

Yuusuke: And then I have to sit there for hours waiting for Keiko to shop. We don’t even go to a store *I* might like.
Hiei: Well, you won’t have to anymore.
Yuusuke: No, she’ll sucker me into it somehow. Watch. Most likely with a guilt trip.
Koenma: Maybe I could go along. Botan always wants to drag me with her anyway. I’ll keep you company.
Yuusuke: Can you take off of work just like that?
Koenma: [tries not to smile] No, but I do anyway.
Yuusuke: So I noticed.

>Yuusuke scowled. No matter how small a shopping trip was supposed to be, it always grew to mammoth proportions.

Yuusuke: [Manfred] You’re an embarrassment to nature, do you know that?
Koenma: “They came, they thawed, they conquered!”
Hiei: About time I got to conquer something.
Koenma: Didn’t know you were still up for world domination.
Hiei: [smirks] “It’s good to be the king.”
Yuusuke: [squeals, falls over laughing]

>It was annoying. The teen washed his hands, sighing.

Koenma: [Yuusuke] Damn you, good hygiene!
Yuusuke: I contest all rumors of being dirty. I bathe.
Hiei: Doesn’t matter, all humans smell. Except for Kurama, but I already said he doesn’t count.

>And this was buying Hiei an entire wardrobe. This sucks . . . It's the shopping trip that never ends.

All: [singing] - It goes on and on, my friends! Some people started shopping, not knowing what it was. And now they’re shopping forever just because -
Rando’s voice: Enough.

>They still had to get Hiei a school uniform and shoes.

Hiei: … What?
Kurama: See? Shouta-con.
Yuusuke: Wait. What if I’m still in school?
Kurama: Oh. That’s another story.
Yuusuke: [resists urge to hit Kurama, because Hiei would maim him if he tried]

>Yuusuke exited the bathroom and headed down the hallway toward the dressing rooms.

Yuusuke: Back to the frontlines, returning to the battle.
Kurama: For some reason that reminds of M*A*S*H.
Koenma: Not that hard, really. [Frank] We all know it’s brutal up there in the front, especially for those of us at the rear.
Kurama: [twitch] I hate that man.
Koenma: I think you’re supposed to.

>He paused as he was about to round the corner as he heard his friends discussing something. It occurred to him that Hiei may have been acting strangely around Kurama because they needed to talk about something.

Yuusuke: Their not so secret plans about running away to TJ? Already know about it.
Hiei: Changed my mind, we’re heading for Canada. [softly to Kurama] It’d be a shame to have it out of wedlock and all.
Kurama: [giggles and winks]

>I don't want to interrupt them. He paused as he overheard a snippet of the conversation, freezing in surprise.

Yuusuke: No, someone just cast a spell on him.
Koenma: [Zelgadis] "Holy wind, wind which flows gently across the land, let all things be filled with your pure breath. VAN REHL!"
[Water-Shamanism spell, from Slayers]
Yuusuke: [overjoyed he knows something that obscure and glomps him] K-chan!!
Koenma: [smiles, blushes lightly]
Yuusuke: [realizes what he’s doing and flees back into his own seat]
Hiei: [snickers] Oh, that’s too cute.
Yuusuke: Shut up.
Hiei: You shut up. This is the first time I get to see you and Koenma having a “cute” moment. I’m revelling in it.

>"-because I don't love you? Is that why you tried to kill yourself? I didn't want to say anything around the others, but I need to know . . ."

All: [stare for a long moment, not saying anything]
Kuwa: Um…
Yuusuke: Holy crap.
Koenma: I second that.
Kurama: I don’t like this. I really, *really* don’t like this.
Hiei: I doubt you were supposed to.
Rando’s voice: [cackling]
Hiei: [smirks] I don’t need a Santa to make my wish come true.
Koenma: Can’t wait to… unwrap your gift?
Hiei: Mmm. Sounds good thinking of it that way.
Kuwa: You people are disturbing.
Yuusuke: We’ve been up here *way* too long.
Kurama: Hai.
Giaki’s voice: Sir! I think they’re starting to crack!
Yuusuke: Ha! Shows what you know. We’ve been cracking for years.
Hiei: [softly] One too many blows to the head.
Yuusuke: Yeah!

>Kurama . . . What the hell is going on?

Kurama: Honestly, sometimes I wake up and ask myself that question. Then I snuggle up with Hiei and go back to sleep.

>Yuusuke was hesitant to eavesdrop, but there was no way that he could leave, having heard that.

Kurama: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: Believe it or not, I respect your privacy.
Kurama: Right.

>* * *

Yuusuke: [sings] Ohhhh…! /He's Joxer the Mighty, /He's really tidy. /Everybody likes him /Because he has a funny grin…
Hiei: I may not be an expert on the subject, but that had no “stars” in it.
Yuusuke: I’m out of songs again. Besides, it’s Joxer.
Hiei: Who?
Yuusuke: [grumbles] Stupid Randy…
Hiei: It’s the git?
Kurama: [falls over laughing]
Koenma: Actually, that is funny. Rando being Joxer.
Yuusuke: No it’s not. Joxer’s more honorable. He’s a klutz but at least he *tries* to do noble and good things.
Hiei: What the fuck are you talking about?
Yuusuke: I’ll tell if you explain what you and Kurama have been hiding from me.
Hiei: [smirks] No. You have to figure that out.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>Hiei eyed Kurama as the fox sat next to him, made uncomfortable by the proximity.

Hiei: [himself] Is he gone?
Kurama: [himself] Yes.
Hiei: [himself] I thought he’d never leave. [grabs a side-lock and pulls Kurama closer for a kiss]
Koenma: Um, the voyeur is still here.
Yuusuke: K-chan!
Hiei: [lets go of his fox] You could’ve played along.
Kurama: [breathless] He’s just jealous because he can’t get any yet.
Koenma: [glares]
Yuusuke: [blushes]

>It was hard enough when he . . . But then he had to be the one to find me. Fuck . . .

Hiei: Kurama walked in on me masturbating? What?
Kurama: [softly] No, that was last night.
Hiei: [same] Hell, that was on purpose, Imp.
Koenma: Actually, the fic is referring to your attempted suicide.
Hiei: I don’t care about the fic; we’re talking about last night!

>It had been an insult added to injury, Kurama pretending to care after . . . And the comment about the shirt . . .

Kurama: Ooohhh. [stares]
Hiei: You’re doing it again.
Kurama: What?
Hiei: Taking the fic too seriously. Stop it.
Kurama: I am not.
Hiei: You are.
Kurama: Hiei, I’m not - [is cut off as Hiei kisses him again]
Yuusuke: Well that shut him up.

>"Hiei . . . There's something I want to ask you." The fire demon gave the redhead a wary look.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] It can’t be marriage, you already proposed.
Koenma: Hence the “running away to Canada” idea.
Yuusuke: Oh, yeah. Same-sex couples can legally get married there.

>"Are you depressed because I don't love you? Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Hiei looked away, and Kurama frowned.

Yuusuke: No, that’s definitely not what they’re doing.
Hiei: [straddles Kurama’s hips and starts sucking on his neck]
Kurama: [moans] Dragon…!
Yuusuke: See? [sighs] I get jealous at them being able to do that.
Koenma: Do what?
Yuusuke: Ignore the fic.
Koenma: [kisses his cheek quickly] Don’t be.
Yuusuke: [blushes and smiles]

>"I didn't want to say anything around the others, but I need to know . . ."

Yuusuke: Whoa. Déjà vu.
Koenma: And the day keeps repeating until Xena can keep the old man from getting hit by a wagon, the girl from drinking poison, the village from breaking out in a blood bath, and make peace between the two feuding families.
Yuusuke: [suddenly] I love you.
Koenma: I know.
Yuusuke: [blushes and smiles again]

>Why does he bring this up now?

Yuusuke: Because the Kurama-clone was hit with a stupid stick. Repeatedly.

>As much as he didn't want to admit it, Kurama's rejection had hurt badly.

Yuusuke: Oh, yeah, he’s really rejecting him alright.
Koenma: And Hiei’s really hurting over there.
Hiei: [against Kurama’s neck] Stop looking over here or I’ll remove your eyes!

>It had taken him so long to gain the courage to tell him he returned his feelings, and then it had turned out that no feelings had existed in the first place.

Koenma: Tremble in the wake of the Bishounen Angst Waves.
Yuusuke: Fear it. It will conquer your soul.
Kuwa: What is that? Every fan girl’s mantra?
Yuusuke: Pfft. Probably.

>He wasn't good enough for anything but the youko's taunting flirting.

Kurama: *Not* true!
Hiei: Don’t look at the fic.
Kurama: Give me something else to look at then.
Hiei: [chuckles lowly]
Yuusuke: Uh…
Koenma: Yeah…
Kuwa: [to fic] Hurry up! Hurry up!

>He felt that he had been led on and used, and that had wounded him deeply and humiliated him.

Yuusuke: [Gabrielle] Me! Me-me-me-me-me-me!
Koenma: [Joxer] Oh, that’s just like you.

>Hiei was silent for several seconds,

Yuusuke: “Like sand through an hour-glass -”
Kuwa: Stop it! The fic will go faster!

>and the redhead sighed, evidently thinking he wasn't going to answer. "If you don't want to talk about it, I understand, but-"

Yuusuke: [singing] Come on, let's go! Everything will be alright. Are you ok? /No doubt we'll be alright. I can't make any guarantees... [Xellos’ song, “But But But.”]
Kuwa: Quit it!
Yuusuke: Dude, I’m not going to stop riffing just because you can’t stand them snogging.
Hiei: [muffled] I told you to quit looking over here, ningen.

>"I would be lying if I said it wasn't." Kurama stiffened.

Yuusuke: Zel, stop freezing everyone.

>"But I'd also be lying if I said you were solely responsible."

Yuusuke: Other people were abstaining him from sex?
Hiei: True love, you imbecile, and don’t look over here!!

>Kurama looked at him in confusion and Hiei smiled slightly, the look not reaching his eyes. "Complicated, ne?" The fire demon looked away, the false smile dropping from his face. "But I guess that's what my life is."

Yuusuke: His voice dripping with self-loathing.
Koenma: Again. “Bishounen Angst Waves.”

>"Hiei . . . I . . ." Kurama's green eyes were filled with the one thing Hiei couldn't stand to see--

Yuusuke: Margarine.
Koenma: [Hiei] That’s it, I’m cooking from now on.
Kurama: Sure, if you like charcoal -
Hiei: There are better things for you to be doing with your mouth, Imp, and talking isn’t one of them.
Kurama: Mmm.

>pity.

Yuusuke: … Was I close?

>He felt as humiliated as he had when the fox had rejected him.

Yuusuke: It’s kinda funny. Reading one thing and seeing the exact opposite.
Koenma: Duality I think is what that’s called.

>Muted emotional pain flashed over the Jaganshi's face before Hiei replaced it with an emotionless mask. "You don't understand. That's fine. No one does." He drew his knees to his chest, then continued to speak in a level, unemotional voice.

Hiei: [moans]
Yuusuke: [snickers] Real unemotional, that.
Hiei: [kicks him, hard] I told you to stop looking!
Yuusuke: Itai! I wasn’t!

>"You should have known, Kurama. You were always flirting, and still are if that stupid comment about the shirt is any indication.

Yuusuke: Oh. Was wondering about that.
Koenma: So *that’s* the reason he went to try it on.

>Hell, you even propositioned me.

Yuusuke: More times than we will ever know…

>Maybe it was all joking--some youko game--

Hiei: I like his games, they’re stimulating -
Kurama: Shh, Dragon. [pulls him back for another kiss]

>but I guess it's my fault for hoping that it wasn't, for trusting in you." Hiei's mask wavered for a few seconds, close to breaking, and his voice mirrored it. "I don't want to discuss this. Not now, not ever. Just forget it ever happened."

Yuusuke: We could wipe his memory.
Koenma: Then you can say you’re lovers and he’ll believe you.
Yuusuke: Drastic times call for drastic measures.

>Hiei . . . I'm sorry."

Koenma: [is ready to bless Hiei for keeping Kurama distracted from noticing the missing quotation]

>"Shut up."

Koenma: [Hiei] And kiss me, you fool.
Yuusuke: [waves to his other side] Ask and ye shall receive. [Hiei kicks him again] Itai!

>* * *

Yuusuke: [singing] Give sadness now a sailor smile /Bringing a miracle, a sailor wing /Everybody carries a shining star inside!
Koenma: I can’t believe you didn’t remember Sailor Stars until just now.
Yuusuke: Tell me about it.

>He had heard enough. Hiei . . . You certainly are complicated. You weren't lying about that.

Yuusuke: But everything else, that was a lie.
Koenma: [singing] You can't hide your lying eyes /And your smile is a thin disguise /I thought by now you'd realize /There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes. [Eagles, Lyin’ Eyes]

>Yuusuke tip-toed back to the bathroom, then walked back down the hall, yawning rather loudly.

Koenma: Smooth.
Yuusuke: [snorts]

>His remorse for eavesdropping was surpassed by his sympathy for Hiei.

Kurama: Oh, sure! Make me look like a complete asshole and Yuusuke like an Inari-damned saint because he *sympathizes* - [Hiei kisses him again]

>At least now I know . . .

Koenma: Now ask if he cares.
Yuusuke: Um… No. Can’t say I do.

>He rounded the corner to see Kurama standing, a smile on his face. A fake smile, he noted.

Kuwa: [snickers] Fake…
Yuusuke: Hey! I happen to like that manga, thank you very much!
Kuwa: And we all know *why* you like it, too…
Koenma: [hits him]
Yuusuke: Thanks.
Koenma: Anytime.

>"Shall we check out now?

Yuusuke: Check out what? Hiei and Kurama still snogging? [said Jaganshi kicks him again]
Koenma: Their shopping.
Yuusuke: Oh…

>Then we can go get shoes and Hiei's school uniform."

Koenma: Go get Hiei shoes and a school uniform.
Yuusuke: No, we’re all getting new shoes.
Koenma: I thought you hated shopping.
Yuusuke: I do!

>Yuusuke groaned. "I hate shopping."

Kuwa: That was eerie…
Yuusuke: Not really. I can’t bring myself to care.

>Hiei stood, not looking at either of them. "Just get this over with."

Koenma: We keep wanting the fic to do that, but it never happens.
Kuwa: Because you stop it after every second!
Yuusuke: So?
Kuwa: [sighs]

>Yuusuke winced inwardly.

Koenma: As opposed to outwardly.

>It was going to be a long shopping trip . . . Too long.

Koenma: Kind of like this fic.
Yuusuke: [waits] Is it over?
Rando’s voice: Your break has started. Use your time wisely.
[Kurama and Hiei are gone in a flash]
Yuusuke: It may not be wise, but they’ll have a lot of fun.
Koenma: Hm.
Kuwa: I can’t believe we have to come *back* today, though.
Yuusuke: This must be making up for not msting anything for three weeks.

- Satellite, Observatory -

A half-hour later found Hiei on the makeshift bed he shared with his significant other with said other’s body lying limp on top of him.

“Oi.”

Kurama didn’t budge.

“Imp.”

There was a soft, sleepy murmur this time.

“Fox.”

Kurama turned his head, opening his eyes slowly. “Hm?”

“You’re heavy.”

The Youko had the nerve to laugh but he did get off. Laying next to the fire demon, who looked complacent and incredibly pleased with himself, Kurama wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. His hand rested on Hiei’s belly and he smiled, rubbing the spot lightly.

“It’s not conceived yet,” Hiei reminded him.

“I know.” Kurama eyed his love. “I just like thinking about what will be.”

Red eyes flicked up to the ceiling. “Danger, once our enemies find out. We’ll have to protect it until it learns to defend itself.”

“We’ll manage,” Kurama assured him.

“Optimist. Along with protecting the child, we have to provide for it, teach it - And it’s not going into one of those ningen schools. I refuse to put my child into those… brainwashing institutions. Who knows what kind of ideas they’d put into its mind.”

Kurama chuckled. “You’re sweet when you’re protective.”

“Hn.”

“But we’ll be fine, Hiei,” the redhead said, rubbing his stomach again. Then he untangled himself from Hiei’s limbs, standing and letting the thin blanket fall from his naked torso. “Right now, there are other things to worry about.”

Hiei smirked from his place in the bedding, eyes roaming over the Youko’s body. “Like having another go before we have to read more of that fic?”

“Hiei. That’s not what I meant.”

“Come here.”

“Hiei! You’re not listening...”

*

Yuusuke looked up as the two demons walked into the kitchen. Kurama’s hair was still damp from the shower while Hiei’s was perfectly dry.

“Hey, Kurama! You forgot my sandwich.”

The Youko’s green eyes widened as he remembered. “Oh! Yuusuke, I’m sorry. I totally forgot.”

“Don’t worry about it. I made one. I’m not an invalid after all.” Yuusuke grinned. Next to him, Koenma was just finishing up his own breakfast, as was Kuwabara.

“You’re not?” Koenma asked playfully. Yuusuke hit his arm.

“That’s long enough, you lot,” Rando’s voice came over a speaker, located somewhere. “Back into the theatre.”

“Damn it!” Yuusuke complained.

- Theatre -

Yuusuke: This is the worst Christmas ever.
Kurama: Inevitably, whenever a child says that, the holidays get better.
Yuusuke: Good.
Hiei: Wishful thinking.

>Suicide
>by Rose Thorne

Yuusuke: And the majestic moose.
Kurama: No one’s going to get that.
Yuusuke: Somebody might.

>~Standard Disclaimers Apply~

Yuusuke: My sister was bit by a moose.
Kuwa: You don’t have a sister.
Kurama: We apologize for the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

>Chapter Eight

Yuusuke: “Asuka Strikes!”
Hiei: [smirks]

>Yuusuke sighed in relief as they left the shoe store,

Koenma: He’d bought a pair that actually fit.
Kurama: [Yuusuke] It feels good to get those glass slippers off!
Yuusuke: [stares]

>which was their last stop.

Koenma: And their “Final Destination”?
Yuusuke: If only.

>He had been surprised to see that Hiei's feet were extremely small--only size five--

Yuusuke: How long could it take them, really? It’s not like they’re girls.
Kurama: Shoes, no. You should see him shopping for boots.
Hiei: [grumbles]

>and it had taken a long time to find two pairs of black shoes that would fit them.

Yuusuke: It was Summer when they had started shopping. At the end, it was Winter.
Kuwa: What happened to Fall?
Yuusuke: It was bypassed.

>Despite that, it was only six o'clock, even though it felt like they'd been shopping forever.

Yuusuke: And ever and ever and ever and -
Hiei: Stop.

>"Yokata! [1]"

Koenma: And there was much rejoicing.
All: [monotone] Yay.

>The teen was bogged down by quite a few bags,

Yuusuke: Piled so high that he couldn’t see, and he ended up walking into traffic…
Hiei: [snickers] Isn’t that how you died the first time?
Yuusuke: Oh. Yeah, it is.

>but at least the worst part was over.

Yuusuke: Obviously the me-clone has never read a fan fic before.

>They could go home.

Koenma: In our dreams.
Rando’s voice: You got that right, infant.

>Then realization hit him.

Yuusuke: Like a ton of bricks.
Hiei: Killing him instantly.

>Oh, crap . . . He didn't want to subject Hiei to the train again,

Yuusuke: One too many scenes directed by Hideaki Anno?
Hiei: I kept praying for the Third Impact. It never came.

>and the bags were going to be hell on public transportation anyway.

Kurama: It’s always hell. Everything gets damned to hell. Why not heaven?
Yuusuke: “Damn you all to heaven!” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

>"Hey, Kurama? How much money is left?"

Yuusuke: Right.
Koenma: Right?
Yuusuke: No, left.

>The redhead blinked. "About ten thousand yen [2]."

Koenma: [Lina] A bundle of crowley roots! Two meltian potions! A radilin ring! A remtite gem, and crufer pills too! With all this, you can easily get more than five and a half million!
Yuusuke: Wrong redhead.

>He grinned, his green eyes flashing mischievously.

Yuusuke: [smirks] His eyes are flashing?
Kurama: Figure of speech. Quit taking everything so literally.

>"I convinced Koenma to give me a bit more than was necessary." Hiei smirked slightly and Yuusuke snickered.

Koenma: Until Kurama explained *how* he’d convinced me. More letters to Santa.
Hiei: Are you deranged too?
Koenma: Since being trapped here with you people?
Kuwa: Well, he *did* fall for Urameshi. [Koenma smacks him]

>"Why?"

Yuusuke: Stupid question time!

>"Do you think it's enough for a taxi? I don't think we'll be able to lug these back on the train."

Hiei: Then leave them behind.
Yuusuke: That’s the spirit!

>Yuusuke noticed that Hiei's face grew a bit paler at the mention of the train,

Yuusuke: Yeah, the movie *can* make you nauseous.
Hiei: [glares] That’s going to give people the wrong idea. I like End of Evangelion.
Yuusuke: So do I. But I also like to think Anno was taking acid during production.

>but Kurama, fortunately, wasn't paying attention.

Kurama: Lucky me-clone.
Yuusuke: That’s not you. That’s some oblivious, brainless SI impersonating you. *You* would notice Hiei’s pallor change. *You* would be chewing Hiei out for trying to kill himself. *You* would -
Hiei: Be shagging me senseless, can we move on now?

>I'm not going to put him through that again . . . I'd better have that chat with Koenma tonight too.

Yuusuke: Dumb question time. Why?
Hiei: You’re right, that *was* dumb. Pay attention.
Yuusuke: But I don’t wanna.

>"Besides, it'd be faster, and I have a few things to take care of."

Yuusuke: Like killing Rando.
Rando’s voice: I’d like to see you try from there!

>Kurama grinned. "That's a good idea. We'll have more than enough. My house is on the way, so I'll come with." The youko looked out into traffic.

Hiei: And pushed Yuusuke into it.

>"We just need to hail one."

Yuusuke: Hail Caesar!
Kurama: Koenma, stop him from making any Xena references.
Yuusuke: I wasn’t!
Kurama: But you were thinking them.
Yuusuke: …

>It took about ten minutes to hail a free taxi,

Yuusuke: Can’t those get as big as softballs?
Kurama: Wrong hail.
Kuwa: If it’s free, why did they have that boring conversation about paying for one?
Hiei: That’s it. The next one who asks a dumb question gets smacked.
Kurama: Dragon, calm down.

>and then there was a bit of a problem with seating because Hiei obviously didn't want to sit next to Kurama.

Yuusuke: Why not? [Hiei hits him]
Koenma: Youko cooties. [Hiei hits him too] Hey! I didn’t ask a question!
Hiei: Insult him again and you’ll get worse.
Kurama: My…

>Yuusuke ended up sitting in the middle,

Koenma: A demon sandwich.
Yuusuke: A threesome?
[Hiei and Kurama stare at the two of them]
Kuwa: [singing] Here I am, stuck in the middle with you…

>and they finally started on their way home.

Yuusuke: [is tapping his heels together]
Koenma: What are you doing?
Yuusuke: It’s not working!

>Fortunately, Hiei wasn't as bothered by the taxi ride as he had been by the train ride,

Yuusuke: Until they started playing road rage.
Koenma: Until he got car sick.
Hiei: [to Kurama] You ever get the feeling this has turned into a tag-team match?
Kurama: Hai.

>despite the fact that the three of them were crammed in the back seat. The trip to Kurama's house took about twenty minutes, and the redhead gave Yuusuke the money for the rest of the trip when he stepped out.

Kurama: Taking my leave of this fic.
Yuusuke: Bastard.

>The teen waited for him to get to his door before specifying an address.

Kurama: That was rather polite of you, Yuusuke. Waiting for me to enter my house before taking off.
Yuusuke: [stares]
Koenma: Never thought you’d see the day someone called you polite?
Yuusuke: [nods]

>Hiei glanced at him curiously. "That's not your address. Where are we going?"

Yuusuke: Tijuana.
Hiei: Hell.
Koenma: Cheap hotel.
Yuusuke: Topless bar.
Kurama: You already had a turn.
Yuusuke: [raspberry] These rules aren’t set in stone you know.

>Yuusuke blinked. He hadn't realized that Hiei had memorized his address.

Hiei: When did I have the opportunity to learn it?
Kurama: First. Six. Chapters.
Yuusuke: You’re smarter than the average Youkai. You prolly’ figured it out.

>I keep underestimating him . . .

Yuusuke: Reminds me of Xellos’ fight with Valgaav.
Koenma: Or any Mazoku who’s fought against Lina.
Yuusuke: Yeah.

>"Kuwabara's. I need to do something, so you'll have to stay there for about an hour."

Yuusuke: Dumb question time. Why?
Hiei: You lot have to watch me to make sure I don’t try to kill myself again.
Yuusuke: Oh. Right.

>Hiei made a face, but said nothing. The rest of the trip to Kuwabara's house was spent in silence.

Yuusuke: [imitates cricket]
Kurama: A tumbleweed blows past.
Yuusuke: How’d it get in the car?
Kurama: How do we get away with making all these references without a Fourth Wall Breach?
[others stare at him]
Kurama: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Well… Now that you mention it… That *is* strange.

>Shizuru looked surprised when they showed up at the door carrying the bags.

Yuusuke: She expected them to be floating instead?
Koenma: [Shizuru] You have levitation spells. Use them.

>Then she grinned. "C'mon in. I'll get the baka." She let them in and took their bags from them, setting them down just past the genkan while Yuusuke and Hiei removed their shoes, setting them neatly in front of the small step that led to the rest of the house.

Yuusuke: [Shinji] I’m home.
Hiei: Shh.

>Kuwabara came bounding down the stairs. "Urameshi, Hiei, what're you doing here?"

Yuusuke: [Zelgadis] What’s the meaning of my existence? To be a convenient lackey for Lina? No… I’m supposed to be a heartless swordsman. A bit dark and mysterious, but that doesn’t mean…
Kurama: He says all that, yet he doesn’t love Xellos. He falls for Amelia.
Yuusuke: Doesn’t make any sense, does it?

>Yuusuke raised his eyebrows and pointed at the bags. "We just got done shopping. I need to run a quick errand. Can Hiei stay here for about an hour?"

Koenma: [king] Make sure he doesn’t leave until I come back.
Yuusuke: [guard] Right. Let him leave anytime he wants.
Koenma: [king] No, you keep him in here and don’t let him out until I come back.
Yuusuke: [guard] Got it. Don’t let him leave until someone comes to get him.
Koenma: [king] No, not until *I* come to get him -
Kurama: That’s not exactly how it goes.
Both: We know.

>The larger boy scratched the back of his head. "Eh . . . Sure, if it's okay with oneechan [3]."
>Shizuru rapped the side of her brother's head sharply. "Yup. It's hollow."

Kuwa: Hey!
Others: [are laughing]

>Kuwabara shrieked in outrage, and she spoke over him. "Of course it's okay with me. Hiei's better company than this idiot any day of the week--quieter, anyway."

Yuusuke: [himself] Oh, I forgot to take the ball gag out…
Hiei: [stares]
Kurama: I was wondering when Hentai Yuusuke would be back.

>"'Neechan, that's mean!"
>"Live with it."

Koenma: I hate it when these are in character. Can’t riff ‘em.

>Kuwabara scowled. Yuusuke glanced at Hiei to see that the fire demon actually looked amused, showing a real, if slight, smile for the first time since the whole fiasco had begun.

Kurama: It wasn’t really Hiei, however. It was his easily amused stunt double.
Yuusuke: Knew all these clones would be good for something.

>The carrot-top interrupted his thoughts,

Yuusuke: Oh! Kurama, we saw the carrot cake in the fridge.
Kurama: [frowns] Did you eat any of it?
Yuusuke: Couldn’t. It was in the middle of a bear trap.
Kurama: [slowly turns to look at Hiei]
Hiei: [innocently] Well, you didn’t want them to touch it before dinner, ne?
Kurama: [sighs] Where did you find it?
Hiei: [points at Yuusuke, who is grumbling]

>his face still fixed in a pout. "We can play video games while you're gone or something."

Hiei: What’s the “or something”?
Yuusuke: Play kick the Kuwabara around?
Kuwabara: Oi!!

>Yuusuke grinned. "Thanks, Kuwabara. I'll be back soon." He stepped back into the genkan and slipped his shoes back on, then let himself out. "Ja!"

Koenma: Then he left the fic, laughing maniacally as he ran away to freedom.
Kurama: And to you.
Koenma and Yuusuke: [blush]
Kurama: [smirks]

>It was only after Yuusuke was a block away from Kuwabara's house that he

Hiei: - heard the explosion.
Yuusuke: DRAGON SLAVE!
Hiei: [gives him a withering look]
Yuusuke: A Dragon Slave has about the same property damage-potential as your Black Dragon.

>wondered how he was going to get to the Reikai.

Koenma: Hitchhike.
Hiei: Die.

>He frowned, then put his hand in his pocket, hoping the little compact case was in there.

Kurama: Hoping but... Not knowing? What? Did he forget putting it there? Is it going to magically appear in his pocket?
Koenma: There he goes, nitpicking again…
Kurama: Bite Yuusuke. [Koenma stares at him while Yuusuke blushes]

>The teen sighed in relief as his fingers found it,

Kurama: Which he was surprised to note had become dislocated from his hand.

>and he pulled it out, opening it.
>Botan's face appeared after several seconds, looking confused.

Yuusuke: [Botan] Why am I here? And where’s the rest of me?
Kurama: Stop taking everything so literally!!

>"Oh, Yuusuke! You're not on a mission. Is there a problem?"

Yuusuke: [himself] Other than your head floating in the air like the Cheshire Cat?
Kurama: Stop that.

>"I need to talk to Koenma--in person. Could you take me to the Reikai?"

Kurama: You *need* to, eh?
Yuusuke and Koenma: [blush]

>Botan bit her lip. "I guess I could. I'll be there in a few minutes. Find some sort of cover so no one gets suspicious."

Hiei: Yuusuke, what are you doing walking around with no pants?
Yuusuke: What?!
Koenma: [blushes]
Kuwa: But Urameshi has pants on…
Koenma: He meant the fic.
Kuwa: [still doesn’t get it]

>"Right." He flipped the compact closed.

Kurama: Having finished checking his face.
Yuusuke: [mimes holding compact in his hand] Yup, still there.

>I can get things taken care of with Koenma and everything will run smoothly.

Hiei: He bought some lube for the occasion.
Yuusuke and Koenma: [blush furiously]

>After this, it's just school, and that's nothing!

Yuusuke: [throws back his head and laughs]
Kurama: Shows how much he values his education.
Koenma: Aa.

>He pointedly ignored the part of his mind that was laughing at his optimism

Yuusuke: [chokes in mid-laughter]
Koenma: [pats him on the back] You should’ve expected something like that.
Yuusuke: Bite me. [blushes after he realizes what he’s said]
Hiei: I hadn’t known you two had progressed to that level.
Yuusuke: Shut up.

>and set out to find some sort of cover to meet Botan.

Yuusuke: So no one would see us, Kurama. Not… [blushes]
Kurama: You’re sleeping with Botan too?
Yuusuke: [gawks]
Koenma: [shakes his head sadly]
Hiei: That bored?
Kurama: Yeah.

>* * *

Yuusuke: [singing] I won't give up! To tomorrow, a sailor yell /For sure! I will catch it! The sailor star /Let this vow sound through the whole galaxy…

>Koenma looked up from his paperwork as Yuusuke entered his office, shooting the teen a concerned look. "Don't tell me you're quitting. Please don't tell me that."

Yuusuke: We can quit?
Koenma: No!
Yuusuke: [blinks]
Kurama: Don’t worry; Yuusuke doesn’t want to break up with you. He meant Tantei-wise.
Koenma: [blushes] I know that!

>Quitting . . .? You mean we can do that?

Yuusuke: Um…
Koenma: I hate it when it does that.
Hiei: Just ignore it.

>Yuusuke blinked. "Er . . . as tempting as that suggestion is, no." He paused, but couldn't resist adding, "Not yet, anyway . . ."

Kurama: Keeping him on his toes, Yuusuke? [the teen doesn’t answer him]
Hiei: Must’ve found that squid on a stick.

>Koenma paled, his expression going from concern to near-panic faster than Yuusuke would have thought was possible.

Yuusuke: [mimes keeping time on a stopwatch] Wow! 1.01 seconds!
Kurama: Cool it, Miki.

>"Not . . . yet?" the demi-god whimpered.

Kurama: [Yuusuke, seductively] Not if you don’t want me to…
Yuusuke: [blushes] Oi.

>Yuusuke rolled his eyes. "It was a joke. Seriously, though, I need a favor from you . . ."

Hiei and Kurama: [laugh]
Koenma: [stares] What’s so funny?
Yuusuke: [hanging his head]
Kuwa: I get it! Just a Favor. The first fic we read.
Koenma: Oh... [blushes]

>"Oh." Relief passed over Koenma's face and Yuusuke frowned curiously. "What was it you wanted?"

Yuusuke: To know what’s up with you, K-chan, actually.
Hiei: [teasingly] You haven’t looked in his lap?
Yuusuke: [blushes again] That’s not what I meant!

>"Instead of the futons, I want Western-style beds."

Kurama: [Yuusuke] And you in it.
Hiei: Just take him on the table. It’ll save time.
Koenma and Yuusuke: Oi.

>It was the demi-god's turn to frown. "Why?"

Hiei: This Koenma-clone obviously doesn’t have as much experience as the real one does if he needs to ask.
Koenma: [sighs]

>He doesn't need to know. Hiei deserves some privacy.

Koenma: Overlooking the hundreds of spoiler sites available on the web.

>Yuusuke shook his head. "I can't say exactly. It doesn't matter.

Yuusuke: Then why ask?
Hiei: What’s so important with these beds anyway?
Koenma: You’re claustrophobic and the Yuusuke-clone thinks it’ll make you feel better if you sleep closer to the window.
Hiei: … But he still hasn’t proven that.
Kurama: [rubs the back of his neck] Don’t think about the fic too much.
Hiei: Hn.

>Just trust me, please. You know I'm pretty good at judging things.

[All but Yuusuke laugh]
Yuusuke: Oi!!

>The beds are important.

Kurama: [Koenma] But I already have one, Yuu-chan.
Hiei: Since he’s so rich, I’m wondering how big it is.
Kurama: [giggles]
Koenma: [flushes]

>And I'd prefer if they were there tonight by the time I take Hiei back to the apartment."

Yuusuke: I’m very bossy this fic.
Kurama: Isn’t that one of the qualifications for an SI?
Kuwa: Urameshi! Your clone is an SI too?!
Yuusuke: Meep.

>He paused slightly, his frown deepening as Koenma considered, looking like he was going to say no.

Yuusuke: Don’t.
Kurama: [pouts]
Hiei: Don’t tell him what to do.
Yuusuke: [raspberry]
Hiei: No thanks, but the guy over there might like some of that.
Yuusuke: [falls over]
Koenma: [blushes] Oi…

>"Besides, I'm doing this, and you kinda owe me for that." I feel like such a jerk, saying that . . .

Kurama: And he has a guilty conscious? This definitely isn’t our Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Hey!
Kurama: Sorry, bad joke.

>The truth was, Yuusuke would've done it anyway, finding some way to integrate Hiei into the Ningenkai without Koenma's help if he'd had to.

Hiei: … Integrate?
Kurama: Oh dear…
Hiei: Into the Ningenkai? Over my dead and mangled corpse!

>The demi-god just made things easier, giving Yuusuke the opportunity to make the transition much more comfortable for Hiei.
>Koenma glared at Yuusuke for a long moment before giving in. "All right. You'll get the beds--tonight too, even if it's pushing it." The toddler glanced around. "Where is Hiei, anyway?"

Yuusuke: Oh where, oh whe - OW!! Hiei!
Hiei: A joke has to be funny before it gets old, ningen.
Koenma: Technically, he’s only half human.
Hiei: Do you think I care?

>He just noticed that Hiei's not here? Geez, and he's my boss . . .

Yuusuke: No, don’t bother, I’ll say it. He was so happy to see me he wasn’t thinking straight.
Kurama: Aww.
Hiei: Cute. [smirks]
Yuusuke: [is blushing, while Koenma watches him curiously]

>"I left him with Kuwabara.

Koenma: Smart move, that.
Kurama: I think Hiei needs a better guardian.
Koenma: Well if your clone wasn’t being such a self-absorbed prick, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I say you should watch him.
Kurama: I second the motion.

>Kurama and I just finished shopping for his clothes." He paused. "Why did you think I was going to quit?"
>Koenma stiffened, looking much like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar,

Hiei: And it didn’t help that the bear trap was still attached to his arm.
Koenma: Ow.

>then sighed. "I spoke to Kurama yesterday, and he informed me that you sounded stressed--like Hiei was giving you a hard time."

Yuusuke: And when I tried to give it back he wouldn’t accept it.
Kurama: [Genie] No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds.

>So he's keeping tabs on me . . .?

Kurama: Oh. You’re one of those clingy boyfriends, Koenma.
Koenma: [blinks]
Hiei: Don’t stifle him so much or he’ll end up leaving you.
Kurama: He’s right.
Koenma: I don’t!
Yuusuke: They mean the fic.
Koenma: Oh…

>Using Kurama? Yuusuke kept his face neutral. I'm glad I found this out before I actually discussed anything with Kurama.

Hiei: Someone’s possessed you. You don’t have this kind of self-restraint.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>"I was, but it's not anything I can't handle. Fact is, he's my friend.

Kuwa: Friends with benefits? [the other four hit him] Itai!!

>I'm not going to quit just because things get a bit difficult."

Yuusuke: Won’t stop me from contemplating it, however.
Koenma: [snorts]

>He momentarily considered saying something snarky about how Koenma should ask his informant about his--evidently--former relationship with Hiei, but quickly decided against it.

Yuusuke: [Diego] “Us?” You’re a bit of an odd-couple.
Kurama: [Manfred] There is no “us!”
Yuusuke: [Diego] I see. Can't have one of your own so you want to adopt one. [pauses] Wait a sec… [looks at Hiei, jaw dropping]
Hiei: Can’t you see the little light bulb in his head turn on?
Kurama: Or the hamster on the wheel?
Hiei: [smirks] Aa.
Yuusuke: You… You’re really…?
Hiei: [rolls his eyes] Yeah.
Yuusuke: … You can do that?
Hiei: Yeah.
Yuusuke: Wow… But, that’s great! Why didn’t you say something?
Hiei: [shrugs nonchalantly] It was funnier watching you trying to figure it out.
Yuusuke: [glares]

>He wasn't going to cause any more trouble than already existed,

Hiei: Even though the bloodbath that would exude from doing so would be far more interesting than watching all this menial crap.
Koenma: We should be so lucky.
Yuusuke: K-chan, did you know?
Koenma: Know what? Oh, about Hiei? Yeah, I knew.
[Hiei and Kurama slowly turn to look at him]
Yuusuke: But… How?
Koenma: They were talking about Koorime and having children. I put two and two together.
Yuusuke: [gapes] You didn’t tell me…
Koenma: [shrugs] Wasn’t going to take Hiei’s fun away from him.
Hiei: [smirks as Yuusuke pouts]
Kuwa: What are you guys talking about?
[all stare at him]
Yuusuke: [sighs] Don’t worry. I’ll explain birds, bees, and Koorime to him later.
Hiei: Good, I don’t wanna.

>and he certainly wasn't going to risk letting either Hiei or Kurama know that he'd been eavesdropping on their conversation.

Hiei: And if the us-clones hadn’t known he was eavesdropping, they really are idiots.
Kurama: [nods firmly]

>"I could use some money," he said instead.
>Koenma scowled. "Why?

Yuusuke: “Money makes the world go round”?
Kuwa: He doesn’t work for free?
Yuusuke and Koenma: Hey!
Kuwa: [slinks down in his seat] It was a joke…
Hiei: Shut up before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.
Kuwa: You shut up, stupid shrimp!
Yuusuke: Don’t aggravate him, baka! He’s in a… delicate condition.
Hiei: [hits him] I’m not pregnant yet! Moron.
Yuusuke: Well, you didn’t tell me that… [rubs his sore arm]
Kuwa: Pregnant? [dumbfounded]
Yuusuke: I already said I’d explain it to you later.

>You bought him all the clothing he needs, right?"

Kurama: Baby stuff is expensive.
Kuwa: … The shrimp’s pregnant?
Hiei: NOT YET!
Kuwa: … Oh.
Kurama: [puts an arm around Hiei, murmuring softly in his ear and calming him down]

>"Yeah. But we have no food at the apartment, and my mom's not going to do anything about that.

Koenma: “She’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
Yuusuke: Ha!

>I didn't care before--I could steal what I needed.

Yuusuke: Um…
Koenma: [eyes him]
Yuusuke: I don’t!
Hiei: What do you care? He’s not on parole.
Koenma: He shouldn’t be doing it anyway.
Yuusuke: But I don’t! At least, not anymore…
Koenma: I believe you.
Yuusuke: [smiles]

>But I'd rather not have to do that with Hiei around.

Hiei: You can’t be a bad influence. I’ve been stealing longer than you’ve been alive.
Koenma: And your lover can say the same to you.
Hiei: [smirks] Yes, I do admire his… talents…
Kurama: [flushes] Dragon…

>It'd be way too much stealing and nothing I was able to steal was very nutritious."

Yuusuke: “You so thin. You’ll never get a lover, you so thin!”
Hiei: The me-clone is gonna get a lover whether he wants one or not.
Yuusuke: [blushes] He does, but not with the me-clone.
Hiei: Hn. Good taste.
Yuusuke: At least not at the moment.
Hiei: [blinks] I retract my earlier statement. You *are* a bad influence, if that’s the case.
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>Yuusuke flinched as Koenma turned a disapproving glare on him. "Well, what was I supposed to do? Starve?" His boss continued to scrutinize him, and he fought the urge to squirm.

Hiei: He makes Yuusuke squirm all the time, story. Get on with it.
Kurama: Yeah. I still need to get the ham in the oven.
Hiei: [smirks] And I get to cook the turkey, right?
Kurama: [sighs] Yes, yes. But don’t get carried away. I don’t want to eat charcoal.
Hiei: Whatever.

>Finally, Koenma sighed. "I do owe you. I've never paid any of you for your hard work."

Yuusuke: [squeals] One big orgy in Koenma’s office! Can’t you see it?! [the other four stare at him in utter shock]

>He touched a button on his desk.

All: Don’t touch the red button!
Hiei: The world explodes, they all die.
Yuusuke: They launched the first pig into space.
Koenma: The end.
Kuwa: Pig?
Yuusuke: “Pigs in Space!”
Kurama: I miss the Muppet Show.
Kuwa: But what do pigs have to do with it?
Yuusuke: With what?
Kuwa: The world ending.
Yuusuke: It doesn’t.
Kuwa: Then why -
Hiei: Don’t tell me. You made up that riff just to confuse him.
Yuusuke: [grins] Damn. Caught me red handed.
Kuwa: Urameshi!! [hits him]
Koenma: [hits Kuwabara]
Kurama: Children, that’s quite enough.
Yuusuke: K-chan, I can take care of myself you know.
Koenma: [blushes] I know… It’s just…
Hiei: He doesn’t underestimate you. But he wants to protect you anyway.
Yuusuke: [blushes slightly] Oh.

>"George, come in here." The godling sat back down in his chair as George rushed in. "I'll be opening a debit account for you at a bank near your apartment on Monday. I'll give you enough money for meals until then."

Yuusuke: Why did you call George in?
Koenma: I trust that he’s giving me the money that I’m giving to you.
Yuusuke: It didn’t say that.
Koenma: You’re supposed to make the assumption.
Yuusuke: I’m not smart enough to “make the assumption.”
Koenma: Yes you are.
Hiei: Are we like that?
Kurama: [has the fire demon in his lap again] I believe so.
Hiei: Sickening.
Kurama: [kisses his nose] Shush.

>Yuusuke blinked. Wow.

Hiei: [Yuusuke] My boyfriend has scads of money!
Kurama: [Yuusuke] I can buy any anime I want! I’m set for life!
Yuusuke: [glares] I don’t want him because he’s rich.
Kurama: But you have to admit, that’s really convenient.
Yuusuke: [continues to glare]
Koenma: I wouldn’t mind. Buying things for you, I mean.
Yuusuke: [shakes head] Don’t worry about it. They just enjoy teasing me.
Hiei: [sardonic] It’s my only joy in life.

>"What should I say if my mom gets suspicious?"

Kurama: Keeping your relationship a secret?
Kuwa: You can’t. If Botan reads these, she’ll have told everyone about it.
Yuusuke: I know that!

>"It's money from a charity group for taking in an orphan.

Kuwa: Orphan?
Hiei: [darkly] We are not to discuss my parentage. Understand?
Kuwa: It’s you?
Hiei: That would be my guess.
Kurama: [runs a hand through his hair] It’s just a fic…
Hiei: [leans against him, glaring at the text]

>Make sure to let her know that the money will stop if she spends it on alcohol."

Yuusuke: [smirks slightly in amusement]

>"Er . . . That works. Thanks, Koenma."

>Koenma smiled slightly. "I'll do what I can and trust you to take care of Hiei's needs.

[pause]
Hiei: Koenma!! God damn you!
Koenma: Trust me, my father already damned me. [waves around the theatre]
Hiei: I don’t care. Stupid pacifier sucking - [Kurama kisses him]

>I know I don't need to know everything that's going on, but I will be watching that account.

Koenma: [singing] Every step you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you…

>If I see anything weird--like you possibly spending frivolously--

Kurama: [bored] Fragment: Consider revising.
Koenma: [frowns] Looks alright to me.
Kurama: [shakes head] Maybe I’m tired.
Koenma: [smirks] Hiei wore you out?
Hiei: [raises an eyebrow] You’re a voyeur too?
Koenma: [sputters] No!
Hiei: Then why do you want to know?


>I will require an explanation. This money isn't for cigarettes or pornos [4]."

Koenma: Yuusuke doesn’t smoke.
Yuusuke: In the manga I do.
Koenma: Ah.
[the satellite shakes slightly, and the Tantei look around, surprised]
Kuwa: What the hell was that?
Yuusuke: Um…
Kurama: I’m going out on a limb and saying a Fourth Wall Breach.
Rando’s voice: [annoyed] It looks that way. Don’t do it again.
Kuwa: Do what?
Rando: Whatever you did to make it shake.
Kuwa: But… How do we know not to do it if we don’t know what we did?
Hiei: [hits him] No more annoying questions.
Yuusuke: Don’t worry. I know what I did.
Kurama: [mouths “Manga?”]
Yuusuke: [nods] You shouldn’t have said anything. Now it’s jinxed.

>Yuusuke winced.

Hiei: Pfft. It’s not like you need pornos now. Just watch him.
[Koenma and Yuusuke blush furiously]

>There was the payback for the comment about quitting.

Yuusuke: No, *that* involved whips, chains, and the me-clone screaming, “Yes, Master! Sorry, Master!”
Kuwa: [falls over laughing]
Koenma: [in a pained voice] Yuu-chan… [blushing furiously]
Yuusuke: [bashfully] Sorry, couldn’t help it.

>"That's fair, but you need to understand that while I'll answer truthfully, I'm also going to leave Hiei as much privacy as possible."

Yuusuke: [himself] So if I buy Hiei and Kurama plane tickets to Hawaii or Paris, don’t ask me why.
Koenma: I doubt I’ll need to.

>His boss frowned, but nodded. "That's all I can expect."

Kurama: [Koenma] “So, come to me now! Tonight, let me worship you in my arms!”
Hiei and Yuusuke: [laugh out loud]
[The “so” isn’t supposed to be there. Madmartigan’s line to Sosha, “Willow.”]
Kuwa: It would be even funnier if he was in his toddler form saying that.
[Hiei and Yuusuke laugh harder]
Koenma: [glares at Kuwabara]

>The demi-god stood. "George, get Yuusuke enough money for food tomorrow and breakfast Monday.

Yuusuke: What day is it today?
Hiei: Thursday.
Yuusuke: So… I’m not supposed to spend the money until then?
Hiei: Right.
Yuusuke: Damn.

>Give him quite a bit extra, just in case."

Yuusuke: In case of what?
Kuwa: Maybe you’ll want to take Hiei out for dinner.
[Yuusuke and Hiei glare grim death at the orange-haired ningen]

>The oni scampered from the room. "You said that Hiei is with the Kuwabaras right now?"

Koenma: You know… Forgetting about Shizuru for a moment, that almost sounded like there’s more than one Kuwabara.
Kuwa: There is. There’s my sister.
Koenma: [sighs] More than one *Kazuma* Kuwabara.
Kuwa: Oh…
Hiei: Idiot.

>Yuusuke nodded. "I'll give you enough money to order food for everyone when you get back there."

Kuwa: Aww. Koenma’s a *cool* boyfriend, Urameshi. Keep him around.
Koenma: [gives him a strange look] You just want me to buy you food.
Kuwa: Hell yeah!
Yuusuke: [sighs]
Hiei: [pats] Don’t worry. Kurama and I know you really care for him.
Yuusuke: Thanks.
Hiei: And really want to jump his bones.
Yuusuke: [blushes] I knew you were going to say that…

>Yuusuke nodded. "Thanks, Koenma."
>George rushed back in with a handful of money, dumping it on the one empty part of his boss's desk.

Koenma: As opposed to handing it to one of us?
Yuusuke: The desk needs it more than we do.

>"Here, Koenma-sama. Is this enough?"

Koenma: It’d be funny if he’d brought in an armload of money, in large bags.
Yuusuke: Why?
Koenma: Could at least make a ‘breaking into Fort Knox’ joke.
Hiei: Fort Knox?
Kurama: [whispers in his ear]
Hiei: [slowly smiles]
Koenma: Don’t even think about it, you two.
Both: We weren’t.
Koenma: Uh huh.

>The infant nodded. "Thank you. Go ahead and take it, Yuusuke.

Yuusuke: [sings softly] We’re not gonna take it anymore…

>Botan will take you back to the Ningenkai. Good luck."
>Yuusuke smiled slightly as he thanked Koenma and left. He was going to need that luck, and he knew it.

Yuusuke: Anyone want to say it?
Kurama: Not really.
Hiei: Of course *I* don’t.
Kuwa: Say what?
Koenma: I will, I suppose. [sighs] Especially if he wanted to “bed” Hiei.
Hiei: [snorts] Can we go now?
Kurama: Yes, dear one.
Hiei: [grins] Can I cook the turkey now too?
Kurama: No charcoal. And you’ll have to wait; I need to prepare it before you do.
Hiei: I remember, I remember. Don’t need to tell me twenty freaking times.
Kurama: Well, if you weren’t so eager about lighting up a dead bird, you pyro…
[they all exit]

- Satellite -

Kurama managed to cover the entire length of the counter with various parts of their dinner. Yuusuke watched, eating another sandwich and slightly bored, as the redhead tried to do everything at once. He had to be tired from sitting in the theatre for most of the day. Hiei was at his place beside him, taking orders from the redhead of what to do. Usually it was just chopping something, which the fire demon didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. Occasionally, Kurama would remind him to curl in his fingers lest he lop them off, but the fire demon would always reply back with, “I know what I’m doing, Imp.”

Yuusuke noted that even while doing something so ordinary, the two still worked well together. It was a trait specifically their own, something only they could be capable of. They would talk normally, griping, teasing, or flirting, but their work would still be completed with maximum efficiency. It was the same as when they fought together; as a unit, a team, two halves of a whole. He could *see* them tackle parenting, really. Not that he had any real experience to go from, other than Keiko’s parents.

Hiei glanced over at him suddenly. He cursed softly. “I know that look.”

“Hmm?” Kurama asked, looking at the Jaganshi curiously.

Yuusuke smiled and rolled his eyes. “What look?”

“You’re going to ask us for advice again,” Hiei stated with certainty as he returned to dicing cucumbers.

“Actually…” Yuusuke began, looking toward the door to make sure, not for the first time, that Koenma and Kuwabara weren’t nearby.

Hiei snorted. “I knew it.”

“What did you need, Yuusuke?” Kurama asked kindly, while most of his attention was still on what he was doing.

“Well,” the teen started slowly. “It’s about Koenma.”

“It usually is,” the fire demon muttered.

“Shush,” Kurama chided lightly and asked Yuusuke to continue.

The young Tantei leader explained his plan. Afterwards, he asked, “What do you think?”

“That it’s incredibly sappy and that I never knew you had it in you,” Hiei told him. Yuusuke stuck his tongue out at him. “Well, it is. And I already told you about your tongue.”

Yuusuke blushed and glared at his friend.

Not long after, they were sent back into the theatre for the final time that day.

- Theatre -

>Suicide

Kurama: - hurts God.
Yuusuke: [smirks] Farferello?
Kurama: [shrugs] It suddenly reminded me of him for some reason.
Yuusuke: Aa.

>by Rose Thorne

Yuusuke: Executive Producer: Robert Shaye.
Koenma: Directed by Rob Reiner.

>~Standard Disclaimers Apply~

Koenma: No small animals, or Fire Demons, were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
Hiei: Says you.

>Chapter Nine

Yuusuke: “A momentary mixing of minds.”
Hiei: Ha!

>Yuusuke woke slowly, his brow furrowing as he heard sheets rustling.

Kurama: Sheets?
Yuusuke: Dan was running around pretending to be a ghost again.
Hiei: Pathetic moron. Probably hopes he’ll see Meg.

>He opened his eyes, cringing slightly at the sunlight,

Koenma: No, someone was holding a flashlight in his eyes.

>and glanced at Hiei, who was moving in his sleep, caught in a dream.

Kurama: [singing] Forever Love Forever Dream /Only overflowing thoughts of love /Please bury all of the terrible, sorrowful time…
Yuusuke: [grumbles] Every time one of us sings that song, all I want to do is gripe about the movie.
Hiei: You started it.
Yuusuke: I did?
Hiei: … I think so.
Yuusuke: Oops.

>A nightmare?

Yuusuke: On Elmstreet? You serious?
Hiei: Four thin razor marks appear on my chest.
Kurama: [pales visibly] Hiei…

>The human watched his charge for a few moments, then flushed deeply as a moaned name reached his ears.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] Fuuma…!
Koenma: [Hiei] Santa…!
Hiei: [himself] Ode to Joy…!
Kurama: Well, it doesn’t specify what or who’s name.
Kuwa: You know it was yours.
Kurama: Of course I do. I’m under the covers giving him or - [Hiei’s hand covers his mouth quickly]

>Definitely not a nightmare . . . He burrowed back under the covers, forcing down a childish giggle.
>His amusement died away as he realized the implications.

Hiei: It’s a wet dream, story. Get over it.
Yuusuke: Move on with your life.

>Hiei was dreaming about Kurama . . .

Koenma: I Dream of Jeanie.
Kurama: [starts humming Forever Love]

>And, considering the current circumstances, he probably wasn't going to wake up very happy.

Hiei: I haven’t been “happy” at all during this fic. Hence the title.
Kurama: [sings] What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way /What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you…

>So would it be better if he woke the fire demon?

Yuusuke: The me-clone is crazier than I am.
Hiei: “I’m sane. It’s everyone else that’s crazy.”

>He cringed at the idea.

Yuusuke: - imagining the Dragon Slave that would he heading his way.
Koenma: You really miss Slayers, don’t you?
Yuusuke: [groans in pain]
Koenma: Yuu-chan?
Yuusuke: [wretchedly] Slayers…!

>It would probably be best to let Hiei wake up on his own and pretend he hadn't heard anything. He lay quietly, wishing he could just go back to sleep, but sleep was definitely going to be impossible after this.

Kurama: Hiei’s moaning had given him a hard-on?
Yuusuke and Hiei: Kurama!
Kurama: Sorry.

>He peeked out from under the covers just in time to see Hiei sit up with a startled gasp,

Hiei: - shredding the bedding into bits -
Yuusuke: - Ra Tilting Yuusuke-clone -

>then closed his eyes, listening silently.

Yuusuke: To what?
Hiei: My fist colliding with your face.
Yuusuke: That’s a hell of a way to wake up.

>After a short while, he heard Hiei slide off the bed and open the closet.

Hiei: Just so I could say I came out of it?
Kurama: How cute.

>The fire demon's footsteps receded, and Yuusuke realized that he'd left the room.

Kuwa: Where’d he go?
Hiei: [hits Yuusuke before he can start singing]
Yuusuke: Itai!!

>He waited for a minute, then had to choke down another inappropriate giggle as he heard the shower turn on, his mind supplying commentary about the probable temperature of the water.

Yuusuke: [Shinji] Eh?!
Hiei: [Kaworu] I meant to the shower. Aren’t you going to the shower?
Kurama: [frowns] Shower sex is tricky. You have to do it quickly enough before you run out of hot water.
Hiei: Baths make more sense.
Yuusuke: Or hot springs.
Hiei: [snorts]

>When he'd recovered,

Yuusuke: I was ill?
Hiei: Hard to recover from being impaled. Which is how I would’ve left you.
Koenma: If anyone can recover from death, it’s him.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>Yuusuke sat up and stretched,

Kurama: - coughed up a hairball -
Yuusuke: - scratched his ear -
Hiei: - licked his -
Kurama: Ahem!
Hiei: Yeah, that.

>figuring that he might as well have breakfast ready when Hiei got out of the shower.

Hiei: [to Yuusuke] Screw food. Alcohol. And lots of it.
Yuusuke: Want to get Kurama drunk?
Hiei: Better than yogurt.
Kurama: [groans] Oh Inari…
Hiei: [looks at him] What? I haven’t even touched you yet.
Kurama: [blushes] That’s… not what I meant.
Hiei: [smirks] I know.

>There was a good chance that his charge was going to be in a nasty mood,

Hiei: Again, when have I not been in a bad mood during this fic?

>and it would probably be better to greet it bearing gifts.

Kurama: “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”
Hiei: Already am.
Yuusuke: But I’m not Greek.
Both: Figure of speech.

>The human sighed softly as he got up and headed for the kitchen to start cooking, noting on the way that Atsuko still had not returned from her drinking binge.

Yuusuke: Yeah. That’s my mom.
Koenma: For a moment there you sounded oddly proud.
Yuusuke: Did I?

>He couldn't help but feel sorry for Hiei.

Hiei: [Kaworu] If this is worth earning my empathy -
Yuusuke: It will soon no doubt.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: I don’t wanna read it either.
Hiei: As long as we have an understanding.
Yuusuke: But I’ll riff it with you, if it comes to that.
Hiei: [shrugs]

>The demon had a lot of issues going on at once.

Yuusuke: And now he was off gouging out his eye to prove it.
Hiei: [raises an eyebrow]
Yuusuke: Hello, Subaru.
Kurama: [eyes widen] Oh crap…
Yuusuke: Hi, Sei-chan.
Kurama: Crap…
Hiei: [pets his hair comfortingly] It’s not your fault. The fic did it.
Kurama: I don’t *want* to be compared to Seishirou Sakurazuka… I *don’t*…

>He had tried to kill himself, for reasons that Yuusuke did not yet know,

Yuusuke: But if I was smart enough to remember Tokyo Babylon, I’d figure it out.

>and his attempt was thwarted, and now he was being forced to live as a human with a fake background that had ended up hurting Atsuko--which obviously had Hiei feeling guilty.

Yuusuke: Huh? Hurting mom how?
Koenma: Can’t remember.
Yuusuke: Oh, that helps!

>The most painful of the issues he was wrestling with, Yuusuke assumed, had to be his obvious feelings for Kurama--feelings that hadn't disappeared with the rejection and the post-rejection anger.

Yuusuke: Hiei, whatever you do, don’t take up smoking.
Hiei: [frowns] Kurama wouldn’t let me -
Yuusuke: I meant your retarded clone.

>He yawned as he opened the refrigerator, grinning at the gift that Shizuru had sent home with them the night before--eggs, orange juice, and a bit of butter.

Kurama: And a jar of lube, but he wasn’t sure what that was for.
Yuusuke: Oi.

>That would make a decent breakfast. He momentarily wondered how Hiei would want his eggs, then shook his head.

Kurama: [monotone] Scrambled with cheese.
Hiei: None of the damn fic’s business anyway.

>Hiei probably wouldn't know; who knew if he'd had eggs before? Yuusuke decided on fried eggs, since those were his favorite.

Yuusuke: We all suffer from favoritism from time to time.
Koenma: Was that supposed to be a joke?
Yuusuke: A statement of fact, actually.

>By the time Hiei came into the kitchen, the meal was nearly done and the table was set.

Koenma: Ready, set, go!
Kurama: [smirks] Are we running out of gags so early in the mst?
Koenma: Sod off.

>"Good morning, Hiei. Go ahead and sit down. Did you want butter and jelly on your toast?"

Hiei: I want you to jump over a cliff and die a horrible, lonely death.
Koenma: Running out of ways to kill us?
Hiei: I’ve got a few especially for you, Koenma. [smirks]
Kurama: Hiei, stop that.

>"Hn."

Yuusuke: Famous last grunt.

>Yuusuke smiled, his back turned to Hiei so the fire demon couldn't see it.

Hiei: What’s the big deal? I’ve seen him smile before.
Kurama: Maybe he was smiling lecherously, his pupils dilating -
Yuusuke: Ahem.

>"Butter and jelly it is. We're having fried eggs. Is that okay with you?"

Hiei: No. Alcohol. I know your mother drinks. Bring it, now.
Yuusuke: But you said human liquor wasn’t as potent on demons.
Hiei: Something’s better than nothing at all.

>This time there was no response.

Yuusuke: Someone sewed his lips together?
Hiei: I left the fic?

>"Good." He turned and put two pieces of toast on each of their plates, then turned back to the stove and checked the eggs. He quickly transferred them to a third plate

Koenma: Why are there so many plates?
Hiei: Why is there so much of this menial crap?

>as he realized that they were done and turned off the burner, then served himself and Hiei.
>Hiei stared at his plate. "What is this?" It was the first sentence he'd deigned to speak since he'd entered the kitchen.

Yuusuke: No, he didn’t speak. He held up a sign.
Hiei: I said no more Ranma ½ jokes. And I’m definitely not his father.
Yuusuke: Okay, Ranma-chan, chill.
Hiei: [glares]

>"Eggs. I told you that was what we were having." Hiei made a face.

Hiei: [contorts his face; crosses eyes, flares his nostrils, lifts up his
eyelids]
Kurama: Dear, please don’t do that.
Hiei: [quits and smiles at him]

>"You don't have to eat, but we're going shopping today, and I don't have enough money to stop at a restaurant, so you might want to."

Kurama: Slight carry-on sentence there…
Yuusuke: I’m out of breath just reading it.

>The fire demon stared at him. "Again?"

All: [sing] This is the shopping trip that never ends! It goes on and on, my friends! Some people starting shopping not knowing what it was -
Rando: Enough.

>Yuusuke took a bite of his egg,

Koenma: Realizing all too late that it was his spirit beast.
Yuusuke: [frowns] Puu hatched.
Koenma: I know, I was there.
Yuusuke: Then why did you -
Koenma: Yuu-chan, it was a joke.
Yuusuke: Well, it was a bad one.
Koenma: Humph.

>savoring the taste before answering.

Yuusuke: What’s to savor about eggs? I don’t really enjoy the taste that much…
Kurama: You haven’t had my eggs.

>"Yeah. This time for groceries. Shizuru sent this home with us.

Koenma: As opposed to bringing it home with you?

>When it's gone, there's nothing else.

Yuusuke: In the entire world?
Hiei: Nothing at all. Oblivion.
Yuusuke: Oh, so Phibrizo’s plan worked in this reality?
Hiei: [sighs]

>You don't have to worry; Kurama's not coming." He winced as he realized what he'd said, glancing at Hiei cautiously.

Hiei: How would you know about Kurama coming, Yuusuke?
Kurama: Ahem!
Hiei: [smirks] But if you’re not, Imp, I could help with that.
Kurama: [blushes] Yes, I know.
Koenma: Rabbits.
Hiei: We know.

>Hiei didn't react. "I know you eavesdropped on the conversation at the store."

Yuusuke: Heh. Your clone’s not so stupid after all.
Hiei: There’s still no hope for him.
Koenma: Hence the title.
Hiei: Aa.

>The human winced. "I didn't mean to . . ."

Yuusuke: That’s the crappiest excuse I’ve ever heard myself use.
Hiei: Yup.

>He watched as Hiei rolled his eyes and took a bite of his egg. "Hiei . . . Why did you say anything if you knew I was there?"

Yuusuke: [Hiei] We were rehearsing a play.
Kurama: We were?
Yuusuke: Yeah, Yukito, don’t you remember?
Kurama: [rolls his eyes]

>Hiei shrugged. "Kurama didn't listen to make sure no one was around.

Kurama: …
Hiei: This fic underestimates you.
Kurama: [nods, giving the text an odd look]

>You'd heard what he said, and you'd have annoyed me until you found out if I hadn't continued the conversation."

[pause]
Yuusuke: Raise your hands if that made any sense.
[no one moves]
Yuusuke: Just checking.
Hiei: For the sake of argument; let’s say this was happening. Why would we continue the conversation if we knew we were being overheard?
Kurama: Don’t think about it too much, dear.

>"Does Kurama know that I know?"

Yuusuke: Does he know that you know that I know?
Koenma: Do you know that I know that he knows?
Hiei: Stop that.

>"I doubt it," Hiei snorted. "He's so concerned with his damned reputation . . .

Kurama: What?
Hiei: [blows in his ear]
Kurama: [sighs]
Koenma: Well, you told him not to think about it too much.
Kurama: [glares]

>He would have tried to keep me quiet and he'd have made up an excuse."

Kurama: *I* would have been more worried about Hiei, not myself.
Hiei: *You* wouldn’t have told me you didn’t love me.
Koenma: We’ve covered this. *You* would be screwing your brains out. Let’s move on.
Kurama: Let’s not. If we stay right here it can’t get worse.
Kuwa: But I want dinner!
Kurama: [sighs] It’s only going to get worse. I can feel it.
Hiei: [pats]

>The fire demon didn't look up from his eggs.

Yuusuke: [Hiei] This one’s got a funny shape!
Koenma: [Hiei] A moose!
Yuusuke: [Hiei] And it bit me!

>"Besides, it's not like it matters that you found out. Any information you use against me goes toward my goal, so why should I care?"

Yuusuke: Goal?
Koenma: He’s still trying to kill himself?
Hiei: World domination. And making Kurama my personal sex-slave.
Kurama: [sighs]

>Yuusuke scowled at that. How could Hiei think that he would ever betray him?

Kurama: [softly] Well, if *I* did it, what’s to stop anyone else…?
Hiei: [looks at him] Actually, that’s a good point.
Kurama: [grumbles under his breath]

>"Well, if we're in the business of being completely honest,

Yuusuke: And not making any money out of it, I might add.

>I wasn't asleep this morning when you had your dream," he snapped, then cringed inwardly. Stupid!

Yuusuke: …
Hiei: I agree with what it said at the end there.
Kurama: [sings] Strange what desire will make foolish people do…

>Hiei's fork fell from his hand,

Hiei: Making a swan dive into the alcohol.
[the others look at him]

>clattering on the plate. "What?" The word was clipped, making it sound more like a statement than a question.

Yuusuke: But there’s a question mark.
Koenma: Pretend it’s not there.

>He continued hesitantly. "I woke up when you were having your dream. You were a bit . . . noisy."

[Hiei and Kurama smirk for… some reason or other]

>Hiei's face reddened slightly. "You called Kurama's name."

Hiei: If it was Yuusuke’s so early in the game I’d be worried.
Yuusuke: About what?
Hiei: About Kurama flipping out.
Kurama: Hm.

>Hiei scowled and looked away. "So? What are you going to do? Tell him?"

Kurama: I doubt the me-clone would care one way or the other.
Hiei: Emotionally-abusive asshole.
Kurama: [startled]
Hiei: Not you, the clone.

>Yuusuke glared, angered by the implications of the question. "No." He drained the orange juice from his glass

Kurama: By pouring it on Hiei’s head?
Hiei: And not living to tell the tale.

>and got up to refill it. "Everyone has wet dreams. They're normal."

Hiei: Unless your wet dreams happen to involve wires, blood, and Shinken.
Yuusuke: [laughs]
Koenma: And don’t forget disembowelling.
Hiei: And holding your former lover’s decapitated head in your lap.
Kurama: [sighs] When we get home, I’m keeping you three away from Clamp.
Yuusuke: [whines]
Kurama: Stop it. You sound like a wounded dog.
Hiei: I can wound him now if it makes you feel better.
Kurama: Shush, Dragon.

>He filled his glass and put the orange juice back in the refrigerator. "So who was uke, anyway?"

Yuusuke: Hey, that’s a good question.
Hiei: [looks at him]
Yuusuke: Do you switch-hit or what?
Kurama: Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Sorry.

>He turned around just in time for his face to meet part of Hiei's breakfast up close and personal.

All: Wa-wa-waaaa…
Hiei: Should’ve thrown the utensil at him.

>The fire demon fled the room.

Kurama: Crying, tear gems scattering all over.
Hiei: [raises eyebrow]
Kurama: Sorry. Stereotypical moment.

>Yuusuke swore, wincing as bits of egg burned his face.

Kurama: They’ve been eating for a minute or two. They might’ve cooled off by then.
Yuusuke: It wasn’t flaming egg bits, it was flaming *flames* that he threw at me.
Hiei: Makes much more sense.

>Stupid! Can you possibly screw anything else up?!

Kuwa: Well, there’s always Koenma.
Yuusuke: Oi!

>He grabbed a paper towel

Yuusuke: Considering how useful the Hitchhiker’s Guide describes them being…
Kurama: Towel. Not *paper* towel.

>from the counter and wiped egg yolk from his face, then headed after Hiei, cursing his own idiocy the entire way. He couldn't believe that he'd let something like that slip, angry or not.

All but Yuusuke: We can.
Yuusuke: Oi…

>Hiei was curled up under the blankets on his bed when Yuusuke entered the bedroom.

Hiei: …
Yuusuke: Dumb question time! Why?
Koenma: Maybe the clone is starting some metamorphosis or something.

>"Hiei . . .?" There was no response.

Hiei: Well, if I’m cocooning myself, I doubt I would be capable of responding.
Yuusuke: For some reason that reminds me of the image Botan gets of you when she’s scared you’ll kill her. Little bat wings, sharp fangs - it’s the funniest thing ever.
[the satellite bobs slightly]
Rando: Urameshi!!!
Yuusuke: Sorry, forgot! [glares at Kurama]

>"Hiei, I'm sorry . . ."
>"Leave me the hell alone."

Hiei: Kill him, and then he’ll leave you alone.
Yuusuke: I’d just come back.

>Yuusuke sighed, pressing on and hoping that, for once, he wasn't screwing up. "I shouldn't have said that. I wasn't thinking.

Yuusuke: Wait… That sounds familiar.
Koenma: [eyes get wide]
Hiei: Oh yeah. When Koenma got you mad and he tried to leave, but got his hand electrocuted instead. You two were so cute.
[both blush]

>I just . . . wish you'd trust me."

Yuusuke: [Subaru] I’m here to make my wish a reality!
Hiei: Stop that.

>Hiei sat up and glared at him. "Trust you? When you keep saying things like that?" Yuusuke flinched.

Hiei: …
Koenma: Yuu-chan’s always saying things like that.
Hiei: Never stopped me.
Yuusuke: You trust me? [smiles]
Hiei: [rolls his eyes]
Kurama: If he didn’t, I doubt you would still be here.
Yuusuke: Oh. You’re right.

>"Not only are you forcing me into this, you're also twisting the fucking knife.

Kurama: [singing] …And know I will impale her like a knife /Leaving her twisting day after day after day of a very short life with me…

>So why should I trust you?" The fire demon lay back down, presenting the human with his back.

Yuusuke: No thanks, Hiei, I already have one.

>"I know," Yuusuke said softly, "that I keep screwing up. I'm trying not to. But . . . It's like you're trying to start things."
>His charge answered without turning around. "Like you expect anything else? You're forcing me into something that I don't want!

Koenma: To read this?
Hiei: Rape?
Kurama: Hiei.
Hiei: [simply] I don’t want *him.*
Yuusuke: I’m starting to wonder if I should feel insulted.
Koenma and Kurama: Don’t.

>How the hell do you expect me to act?! Complacent?"

Koenma: [Yuusuke] No, but I did expect you to dress in drag and do the hula.
Yuusuke: [sings] Luau! /If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat /Eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat!
Kurama: [laughs out loud]
Hiei: No more Disney, either.
Kuwa: You’re running out of gags, you know.
Yuusuke: "Never give up! Never surrender!"

>"No," Yuusuke frowned. "I want you to be happy . . ."

All: [bored] Awww.
Kuwa: Is it over yet?

>He winced as he realized how lame that sounded, despite the fact that it was the truth.

Kurama: [sings] Is this love that I’m feeling?
Yuusuke and Hiei: Kurama!
Kurama: [giggles] Couldn’t help myself.

>The fire demon turned around and looked at him, his eyes hollow.

Kurama: Look into the abyss and the abyss looks into you.
Hiei: [smiles, slightly amused]

>"Then you should have let me die." Hiei turned back toward the wall.

Koenma: [Wednesday] Wait.
Yuusuke: [snickers loudly]

>"You know I couldn't do that, Hiei," he whispered.

Kuwa: [Yuusuke] It was an accident! I didn’t mean to save you!

>He continued when Hiei didn't reply.

Hiei: I don’t reply a lot in this thing, either.
Yuusuke: Ball gag?
Koenma: “Bishounen Angst Waves.” You don’t have to.

>"I'm not doing this for Koenma. You may think that I am, and that I don't really care, but I'm not and I do.

Yuusuke: What?
Kurama: Respectively.
Yuusuke: …

>I would've tried to help you anyway if Koenma didn't give a shit--even if it meant giving up on the Ningenkai and going to Makai.

Kurama: How touching.
Koenma: He’s going to be touched.
Kurama: [grumbles under his breath]

>Koenma just makes things a little easier." The human paused for a second. "But I would have done it without him. Without the wards, or the barrier, or the binding.

Hiei: [mildly] So that’s how they got me to stick around.

>This isn't about him or his stupid problems--it's about you."

Yuusuke: And your stupid problems.
Kurama: [sings] I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you /I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you…

>There was a long silence before Hiei responded. "Don't pretend I'm anything but a burden."

Koenma: Bishounen Angst Waves.
Kurama: We heard you the first bazillion times.

>"You're not a burden, Hiei! If anything, you're a blessing!

Kurama: [sings] Thank you, thank you /Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings… [winks at Hiei]
Hiei: [rolls his eyes] Old hat.
Kurama: I know.

>Did you know that Koenma's giving me money for food now that you're staying here? Otherwise, I'd be starving. And at least now Mom's drinking for a reason.

Kuwa: What reason?
Yuusuke: [singing] I wanna get along… Give a reason for life… to the me of the future.
Koenma: We know you miss Slayers, Yuu-chan.
Yuusuke: [sniffs]

>It might help to knock some sense into her. And Kuwabara is going to be trying harder in school, if I know him, for your sake. And Kurama-"

Yuusuke: The Kurama clone can go screw himself.
Koenma: [little kid] Kurama is a very bad man…
Yuusuke: Rabid fan girls were screaming at the author about the unfairness of it all.
Koenma: Probably.

>"I don't want to hear about it!" Hiei interrupted, turning to glare at him. The glare was quickly replaced by a tired look.

Koenma: *A* tired look? As in, there’s more than one?
Kurama: Maybe different levels of tiredness. And don’t look into the fic too much.
Koenma: It’ll look back?
Kurama: [rolls his eyes]

>"I don't want to hear about him, Yuusuke. Things are hard enough, having to see him constantly . . . without having to hear about him."

Kurama: [sings] And if you have to leave /I wish that you would just leave /Because your presence still lingers here /And it won't leave me alone…

>Yuusuke stared at him. "Hiei . . ." His heart went out to his friend, and he wished there were something he could do to alleviate his pain.

Yuusuke: Sex?
Hiei: Let me die?
Koenma: Karaoke?
Kurama: Kuwabara’s right, you are running out of gags.
Yuusuke: Three fics in a row! What did you expect? Benny Hill?

>Hiei lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling.

Koenma and Kurama: Don’t say it.
Yuusuke: Damn it…
Hiei: We’ve used it before.
Yuusuke: I know, but I like that joke.
Hiei: Hn.
[Unfamiliar ceiling.]

>"I trusted him, Yuusuke . . ." A bitter smile twisted his lips. "I thought that he was acting honestly--that he really did . . ." He trailed off and shook his head. "And he wasn't. I ignored every warning.

Yuusuke: Yield.
Koenma: Stop.
Kurama: This area is for loading and unloading of passengers only.

>I should have been careful, suspicious--something!" He closed his eyes. "I'm a fool."

Koenma: Whatever happened to those tiresome one-shot lemons where both of you were too afraid to admit your feelings?
Kurama and Hiei: Old hat.

>Yuusuke risked sitting on the edge of Hiei's bed.

Kurama: Real risqué, that.
Yuusuke: Maybe I’m afraid he’ll kill me.
Hiei: Snap his neck. Quick, painless…
Yuusuke: [stares]

>"Hiei . . . I honestly thought that you two were a couple.

Koenma: You and an innumerable amount of rabid fan girls.
Yuusuke: Who haven’t had rabies shots.
Koenma: And haven’t seen the light of day since 1992.

>You weren't the only one being fooled." He sighed as he remembered his findings about their 'trusted' friend. Hiei had the right to know what was going on. "And we're still being fooled, evidently. I know you may not want to hear this, but I think you should know . . . Hiei, Kurama's playing snitch to Koenma."

Yuusuke: [singing] I’ve got to get the snitch! I’ve got to get the snitch!
[the others stare at him]
Yuusuke: [snickers nervously] Potter Puppet Pals again. That was Harry’s.

>Hiei's eyes widened and he gaped at Yuusuke. "What?"
>"He told Koenma that I was stressed. Remember the phone call Friday, when we made plans to go shopping? And I was annoyed?" Hiei nodded.

Koenma: Kinda reminds you of one of those bobbing hula girls that sit on your dashboard, doesn’t it?
Yuusuke: [hums Timone’s Hula]

>"He told Koenma. Koenma thought I was going to quit."

Koenma: No, I’m just normally paranoid about my Tantei resigning for no reason.
Yuusuke: Oh! I get it!
Koenma: What?
Yuusuke: Okay, here’s the roll call. Hiei’s Subaru, Kurama’s Seishirou, you’re Fuuma, and I’m, by default, Kamui.
Hiei: [grumbling] He gets the Shinken and I get ofudos. Something about this isn’t right.

>Yuusuke scowled. "Before, I was going ask Kurama for advice, but . . ."
>Hiei's bitter smile returned. "He can't be trusted . . ."

Kurama: A large and almost elaborate conspiracy theory. I’d applaud if I cared.
Yuusuke: It’d be even stranger if a Bet is mentioned.
Koenma: Then it really would be a conspiracy, if there are that many tie-ins to Tokyo Babylon and X.

>"No, he can't be. But . . ." Yuusuke grinned evilly.

Koenma: And started singing Xellos’ image song again.
Yuusuke: [hums But But But]

>"His meddling did do something." The fire demon raised a curious eyebrow. "It got these beds,

Kurama: Which one of them you’ll have to remove, since it’ll be taking up space…

>and it got us the money for groceries. I used what Koenma thought to guilt-trip him into it."

Yuusuke and Hiei: [sing] I wish that I could turn back time /‘cause now the guilt is all mine /Can’t live without the trust from the ones you love… [Come Sweet Death, End of Eva]

>Hiei snorted. "You'd have made a good thief." His eyes fixed on the open window.

Hiei: Ha!
Kurama: … What does giving him a guilt trip have to do with thievery?
Koenma: I don’t think the fic hears you.
Kurama: [glares at him coldly]

>Yuusuke grinned. "Thanks." He became serious after a beat,

Yuusuke: [sings] Just wild beat communication…

>noticing how looking out the window had made the fire demon relax. That reminds me . . .

Yuusuke: About this one time at band camp!
Hiei: [hits him] I’m getting sick of these bad puns.
Yuusuke: [rubs arm] Me too, actually.
Hiei: And what’s so interesting about that window?
Koenma: The blood from the butchery of the series was splattered on it.
Hiei: At this point, blood might *be* relaxing…
Kurama: [sighs]

>"Hiei, I was wondering . . ."
>"Hm?"

Yuusuke: [himself] Tell me a bedtime story?
Koenma: [Yuusuke] How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop?
Kurama: [Yuusuke] What came first? The chicken or the egg?

>"You're claustrophobic, aren't you?" The fire demon flinched and refused to look at him. "Hiei . . .?"
>"Is it that obvious?" Hiei asked softly.

Hiei: Okay, now he has proof.
Yuusuke: Heh. The idiot me had enough courage to ask.
Hiei: If the you-clone proposes to have sex right now, I’m leaving.
Koenma: [remembering the incident with his hand] I’d like to see you try.

>Yuusuke frowned. "Not really. The train ride kind of gave it away . . ."

Hiei: Liar. He guessed that morning. [grumbles] And he wants me to trust him…
Koenma: You’re paying attention to the fic?

>"Oh." Hiei went silent and kept his eyes riveted on the window.
>Yuusuke waited for him to say something--anything!

Kurama: Rehashed lines from Evangelion.
Koenma: Kokoryuha.
Kuwa: Baka ningen.
Hiei: Baka fox.
Yuusuke: The killing curse.
[the others look at him strangely]
Yuusuke: I’m out, guys. I’ve got a few jokes from X left, but that’s it.

>--else, fidgeting as the seconds passed. He was just about to say something when Hiei spoke again.

Koenma: [Hiei] Bomp-chika-wow-wow.
Kurama: Stop stealing lines from Chris Rain.
Koenma: [raspberry]

>"Is that why you asked Koenma for the beds?" The fire demon still didn't look at him.
>He nodded, then realized that Hiei couldn't see him.

Yuusuke: Koenma had gouged out his eye, after all.
Hiei: I’d still have one left.
Kurama: And he’ll end up getting one of mine after I die.
Koenma: Spoiler.
Yuusuke: At this point, about two people are going to understand what we’re talking about.

>"Yes. It's also why your bed is by the window." Yuusuke resisted the urge to bite his nails as he waited impatiently for the fire demon's reply.

Kurama: Fire demon’s *next* reply.
Yuusuke: [whines again]
Kurama: What now?
Koenma: Season two would be my guess. Slayers Next.
Kurama: You’re getting pretty good at translating Yuusuke.

>The human repressed a sigh of relief when Hiei finally responded. "You know . . .

Hiei: [himself] This menial crap is getting on my nerves.

>You're the first person who's ever figured it out on their own. Even Kurama-" Hiei broke off, his jaw clenching. "Everything always comes back to him . . . Why?"

Yuusuke: Hey, the Hiei-clone asked a dumb question!
Hiei: He must be punished.

>Yuusuke ventured an answer, despite the fact that the question was obviously rhetorical. "You love him."

Kurama: [Seishirou] Subaru… I… You…
Yuusuke: Keeps you guessing, doesn’t it?
Kurama: Clamp likes mind games, apparently. In this Kamui/Subaru fic I read somewhere, the author completed the sentence as, “I pity you.” As in, he pitied Subaru for falling in love with someone who could never love him back.
Yuusuke: That, too, works with this.
Kurama: [blinks] Hm.

>Hiei laughed shortly--bitterly--at that. "I don't know what love is," he said mockingly.

Koenma: [sits up straight] Oh crap!
Yuusuke: What?
Koenma: [mouths to Hiei, “Don’t let Kurama read this!”]
Hiei: [mouths, “Why?”]
Koenma: [hisses] Trust me.
Hiei: [shrugs and covers Kurama’s eyes]
Kurama: What is it?
Koenma: [leans over Yuusuke so he can whisper] You’re not going to like it.

>The tone of the fire demon's voice startled Yuusuke. Who is he mocking? Me, or . . . His eyes widened. "He said that?"

Yuusuke: Oh.
Kurama: What? [Hiei covers his mouth now too]
Kuwa: That’s a shitty thing to do.
Hiei: Emotionally-abusive.
Yuusuke: I told you, it’s Seishirou.
Koenma: Seishirou has more of a fashion sense than the Kurama-clone, though.
Kurama: [is trying to talk through Hiei’s hand]
Hiei: [looks curiously at Koenma]
Koenma: [Mouths, “not yet.”]

>Hiei nodded, his eyes closing. "He's so full of shit, Hiei. If he can't see the truth, he's blind--either by choice or through his own stupidity."

Yuusuke: Well, I always did think the Bet was stupid.
Koenma: You never see it coming, though. [Tokyo Babylon.]

>"It doesn't matter," Hiei whispered harshly.
>Yuusuke winced. "I'm sorry, Hiei . . ."
>"Don't bother. It's not your fault. It's mine."

Yuusuke: [softly so that Koenma only hears] It’s hard thinking up anything for this without Kurama.
Koenma: [same] His reaction to that would not have been pretty.
Yuusuke: I know. But now the moment’s over and I’m bored.

>"It's not yours, Hiei." The fire demon didn't respond. Yuusuke glanced at the clock.

Koenma: [motions for Hiei to let Kurama go]
Kurama: [softly] What happened?
Others: Shh! [make extravagant motions up toward where the speaker is located in the theatre]
Kurama: [rolls his eyes]

>It was pushing on afternoon, and he wanted to get the shopping done earlier than later. "Hiei . . . we have to get going."

Hiei: Screw it, let’s procrastinate.
Yuusuke: Sounds good.

>"I don't want to go anywhere."

Koenma: [Hiei] I’m still cocooning. I *can’t* go anywhere.

>Yuusuke bit his lip. "If I leave you here, you'll be knocked out because you'll be out of range of the barrier . . ."

Yuusuke: Barrier?
Kurama: First. Six. Chapters.

>"Oblivion sounds nice right now."

Yuusuke and Hiei: [singing happily] So with sadness in my heart /I feel the best thing I could do /is end it all /and leave forever…

>Yuusuke winced. Oblivion and death . . . "If that's what you want . . ."

Yuusuke and Hiei: [cont.] What’s done is done, it feels so bad /what once was happy now is sad /I'll never love again /my world is ending… [Come Sweet Death, End of Evangelion]
Kurama: Stop it.
Koenma: What’s the matter? A happy song about suicide bothers you?
Kurama: Koenma, I’m this close to shoving that pacifier up your ass. Don’t push me.
Yuusuke: Oi! No one touches his ass but me! [stops and blushes furiously]
Koenma: [stares]

>Hiei just lay there, his eyes closed. "It is."
>"Fine." Yuusuke sighed. He really didn't feel like battling Hiei right now.

Koenma: Too much physical exertion was against clone regulations.
Yuusuke: The union would get upset and go on strike.
Kuwa: Would that mean fan fics would stop?
Koenma: No. Some other clones that aren’t in the union would cross the picket line and take their jobs.

>It would be less energy to just give him what he wanted.

Kurama: It would *take* less energy…
Koenma: “Be” would work.
Kurama: Not right now it doesn’t.

>After all, it was just a little thing--

Yuusuke: All this trouble over such a little thing…
Kurama: Shush, Boromir.

>not like he was asking for Yuusuke to kill him.

Hiei: Yes he was.
Yuusuke: Death isn’t anything that major.
Hiei: Nah. Hell, it’ll be fun.
Kurama: [sighs]

>"I need to take a shower to get this egg out of my hair. I'll check back on you before I leave, okay?"
>"Hn." The fire demon turned over, presenting Yuusuke with his back

Yuusuke: Hiei, I already told you. I have my own back.

>and effectively ending the conversation.

Koenma: At least *something* ends in this thing.

>Yuusuke stood and pulled the covers over Hiei,

Hiei: But I was already covered.
Koenma: Hence the bad cocooned butterfly joke.
Kurama: He turned over a few times. Logically, the blanket would slide down.

>who didn't react, then gathered his clothing and left the room.
>* * *

[Yuusuke flips off the screen]

>Yuusuke sighed as he towel-dried his now egg-free hair. He had wanted to relax in the bath for a while, but he definitely needed to get the shopping out of the way.

[Hiei is starting to fall asleep, Kuwabara probably *is* asleep, and the other three are entertaining themselves by watching Yuusuke spitting at the text]

>He glanced at his hair gel, then shrugged. People tended not to recognize him without his hair gel, and he was sure that would be better when he was trying to shop--especially with his reputation for shoplifting.

Kurama: You ran out of gel, didn’t you?
Yuusuke: Weeks ago.
Koenma: I like your hair like this.
Yuusuke: [smiles]

>He ran a comb through his hair, then sighed and left the bathroom.
>He blinked as he saw Hiei on the living room couch, fully dressed.

Yuusuke: What? Hiei was streaking before?
Hiei: No wonder you wanted to know if I was uke.
Yuusuke: [blushes] Not me! The stupid clone.
Hiei: [nods tiredly] S’ what I meant.

>The fire demon looked somewhat paler than usual. "I thought you were going to sleep?"
>Hiei shrugged. "I changed my mind."

Hiei: S’pose I don’t have the right to do that either.
Kurama: [smiles and pulls him into his lap]
Hiei: [snuggles close]

>"So you're coming shopping with me?" Hiei shrugged again. Yuusuke took that as a yes. "Let's get going then." He padded to the genkan and pulled his shoes from the geta-bako, then slipped them on. Hiei did the same. "Why'd you change your mind?"

[Koenma’s fiddling around with the wire attached to his pacifier and Yuusuke watches him, bored. Kuwabara gives a very loud snore and wakes up.]

>"None of your business."

Kuwa: We’re still doing this?
Yuusuke: Yup.
Kuwa: Damn.
Yuusuke: I know.

>Yuusuke sighed and opened the door, waiting for Hiei to leave the apartment before locking the door behind him. I guess our little heart-to heart is over . . .

Hiei: ’s never over. We jus’ gravitate back to it whenever one of us needs advice.
Yuusuke: About “Life, the Universe, and Everything”?
Hiei: [blinks] What?
Kurama: It’s a book.
Hiei: He can read?
Yuusuke: [motions at the text, but Hiei’s not paying attention]

>"I figure we'll go to a place nearby. If they'll even let me in, that is."
>"Shoplifting days catching up with you?" Hiei's voice held a note of sarcasm.

Yuusuke: Yuusuke took the note and shoved it up his -
Kurama: Finish that and you’ll regret it.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>Yuusuke ignored it and headed for the stairwell. "Yes. I didn't really have a choice, you know . . ."
>"Sure. Stealing pornos was for necessity. I can see how those are needed to survive." The sarcasm was very evident this time.

Yuusuke: That’s kinda funny. I might’ve laughed if the fic hadn’t been so boring beforehand. [yawns]
Koenma: [cautiously moving in on his prey and slips his arm around Yuusuke’s shoulders]

>The human stopped and glared at Hiei. "It's not necessary that you come with, Hiei. If you'd rather stay at the apartment and be unconscious until I get back, that's fine with me." The fire demon flinched. "No. I'll come."

Hiei: Oi, I wanted to be knocked out. Make up your damn mind, you fucking clone.
Kurama: [kisses his forehead] Shh…

>Yuusuke began walking down the hall again. "Then quit it. I'm trying to be nice to you. I'm trying to make things as comfortable as possible for you. You know I can't let you die or kill you, so why can't you just quit being an asshole?"
>There was a long pause before Hiei answered. "Because that's what I am."

[Kurama frowns, but doesn’t say anything because Hiei looks like he’s passed out.]

>Yuusuke couldn't think of a reply.

Yuusuke: Because I’m too fucking tired right now, okay?
Koenma: [rubs the back of his head]
Yuusuke: [smiles at him and leans closer] You know…
Koenma: Hmm?
Yuusuke: I’m not jealous of them now. It’s fun ignoring the fic this way. [blushes and winks]
Koenma: [suppresses a laugh]
Kuwa: [yawns] Didn’t Kurama say that in Beginnings?
Yuusuke: [jaw slowly slinks open]
Koenma: [blinks] Heh.
Yuusuke: I didn’t even think about that.
Koenma: It’s okay. You’re tired.
Yuusuke: [nods]

>* * *

Yuusuke: [prepares to “rei-gun” but doesn’t fire] It’s so tempting…
Koenma: It’ll blow a hole in the hull and we’ll all be sucked into the vacuum of space. Not a pleasant way to die, you know.
Yuusuke: Yeah…

>Yuusuke scowled and kicked a rock, frustrated. They'd been going from store to store for hours, and had been turned away at each one. No one was willing to trust him in their stores. He couldn't blame them, though, with his shoplifting record.

Yuusuke: There were posters all over the place saying, “Have you seen this delinquent?”
Kurama: Sirius?
Yuusuke: Yeah. At least the new Harry Potter won’t be coming out until June… [eyes get wide and he looks at Koenma, horrified.] Oh no…
Koenma: What?
Yuusuke: Return of the King. It came out this month. And we’re stuck here!!

>His only relief was that Hiei hadn't taunted him about it. Yet, he reminded himself, he hasn't said anything snide YET. If things kept the way they were going, they'd never get groceries for the night, and he definitely wouldn't be able to get groceries anywhere with the debit card.

Yuusuke: I can’t believe we forgot all about it…
Kurama: [shakes his head] We can probably find a dollar theatre where it’s playing, when we get back.
Yuusuke: Man… This is so not cool.
Koenma: Watch. You make all this fuss and it turns out you don’t like it.
Yuusuke: [shrugs] You never know.
Kurama: [teasingly] Doth my ears deceive me? Yuusuke doesn’t immediately jump to the defense of a movie he likes?
Yuusuke: First time for everything. I’m more upset I can’t see it at all than anything else.

>"There's another store." Yuusuke nearly jumped at the sound of Hiei's voice. The fire demon hadn't spoken since they had left the apartment complex.

Yuusuke: He’s too cool. Doesn’t have to. [yawns and leans his head on Koenma’s shoulder]
Koenma: [is probably the most awake out of the whole group]

>"We'll try it, but I bet we'll be turned away again." He headed toward the shop with Hiei, glancing at the sign as they approached--Genchiro no Kanbutsuya [1]. It was probably the last store in the area that hadn't turned them away. It was also one of the tiniest stores in the area. The store owner glared at them when they entered the store, but made no move to force them to leave. Yuusuke sighed in relief and grabbed a basket, leading the way through the aisles. Hiei followed behind him in silence. He winced at the high prices, wishing that he had the option of shopping around. But he didn't, so he kept his mouth shut and shoved nutritious-looking items into the basket, asking Hiei questions every so often that the fire demon answered in a language of shrugs. Yuusuke eventually gave up on getting his charge's input and ignored him.

[Kuwabara and Yuusuke were having a spit wad competition during this paragraph. Yuusuke somehow managed to do this while still resting his head on Koenma. If he got any spittle on the him, the godling had the tact not to mention it. The things we do for love, yes?]

>The teen grabbed a gallon of milk from the cooler and went to check out. The store owner didn't begin ringing them up, and Yuusuke blinked at him. "Sir . . .?"

Yuusuke: All that complaining about groceries and all I get is milk?
Kuwa: “It does a body good.”

>The man scowled at them. "I want to see money before I start ringing you up."
>Yuusuke sighed and pulled out the money that Koenma had given him. "It's enough. Would you please ring us up?"

Yuusuke: Lost my pride in the desperation for milk.
Kuwa: Sad.

>The man rolled his eyes, managing to convey that having money and actually paying were two different things and implying that Yuusuke wasn't going to pay. Yuusuke scowled at him and the store owner shrugged and began ringing up the groceries anyway.
>They had finished paying and were about to leave when the police arrived. "What the-"

Yuusuke: We’ve been busted.
Hiei: We didn’ do anythin’ wrong.
Yuusuke: Oh. Right.
Hiei: Moron.
Kurama: [smiles at him] I thought you were asleep.
Hiei: I am asleep, K’rama.
Kurama: [kisses his nose] I love you.
Hiei: I know that. Not stupid.

>The store owner rushed forward. "Thank goodness you came so quickly! Not only did he take groceries, but he also robbed me!"

Kurama: And now that we know that “taking groceries” and “robbing” are now two separate things…

>Yuusuke stared. "No, I didn't! I paid!" He pulled out the money that they had left. "This is just the change from what we bought.

Kurama: End quotation.

>The man smirked at him. "You're a liar and now you've been caught."
>Hiei glared. "Perhaps you forgot that you gave us a receipt?" He held up the piece of paper.
>"You made me ring you up! To open the drawer!"

Kuwa: But wouldn’t there still be money in the drawer?
Koenma: So open it up.

>The shorter officer frowned. "I'm not sure what's going on here . . . But you are known for shoplifting, Urameshi Yuusuke."

Koenma: Pornos, not milk.
Hiei: He don’ need pornos now.
Kurama: Shh… [rubs his back soothingly] Sleep.
Hiei: I am…

>Yuusuke's eyes widened. "But I didn't! Count down the cash register, and you'll see that I'm telling you the truth!"
>The store owner scowled indignantly. "Are you accusing me of lying?! Why would I lie?"
>"Because we just paid 70,000 yen [2] for overpriced groceries because no one else would let us shop in their stores." Hiei scowled. "And since you have no customers because you try to cheat them, you're going to try to get your goods back and keep the money that we bought them with using the bad reputation that Yuusuke is trying to get rid of."
>"If you're not lying, you'll have no problem with the officer counting your drawer down," Yuusuke added, surprised that Hiei had spoken up.

Yuusuke: [himself] Dude, I thought you were mute. You lied to me!
Hiei: [softly] Wouldn’ be the first time.
Yuusuke: Eh?
Hiei: Wha?
Yuusuke: [blinks] Did you say something?
Hiei: [yawns] No.
Yuusuke: Oh. [yawns]
Kurama: They’re cute when they’re tired.
Koenma: [smirks]

>"This is ridiculous!" the man yelled.

Hiei: As opposed to ludicrous.
Kurama: Preposterous.
Hiei: Aa.
Yuusuke: Oh my god! Koenma, picture this.
Koenma: If “this” has anything to do with Sicily -
Yuusuke: No, no. Hiei upgrades his flitting to “Ludicrous speed”. So instead of that familiar black shadow we’re so used to seeing, there’s this plaid streak running through the trees!
Koenma: [Lonestar] Hiei’s gone to plaid!
[the other three are staring at them]
Yuusuke: [cheerfully] Question sleep. [yawns]

>"Why should my time be wasted because of you punks?!"
>"Sir, unless you present evidence that they stole from you, the receipt and the fact that the amount on the receipt matches the amount in his pocket show his innocen-" The taller officer interrupted his partner. "I agree with the store owner. This is a waste of his time. We'll arrest these two and leave."

Yuusuke: You’ll never take us alive!
Hiei: Shut up, you moron, I’m on parole.

>"Taki! We can't do that! We-"
>The tall officer glared at his partner. "We will arrest them. It's not our job to prove or disprove anything." He walked toward Yuusuke. "Put the bags down."
>Yuusuke dropped the bags and allowed the officer to pat him down and handcuff him. He frowned as the officer turned to Hiei, who backed away.

Yuusuke: Bad move, he’s gonna flip out and disembowel you.
Koenma: Alright. Carnage. Finally something interesting.

>"He's not involved! Let him alone!"
>The officer smirked at him. "He certainly isn't an innocent bystander if he's involved with you."

Yuusuke: Didn’t Hiei say I was a bad influence earlier?
Kurama: Shh. [motions to Hiei with his free hand, who’s gone asleep again]

>He reached for Hiei. The fire demon stayed out of his reach, his eyes wide. "So you're resisting arrest, eh?"
>Yuusuke frowned. This wasn't right. They hadn't done anything wrong. And Hiei didn't like to be touched . . .

Yuusuke: Unless it was by red-haired fox boys. Don’t forget that part.

>The bells on the door jingled, and Yuusuke's eyes widened as he saw Kurama standing there.

Yuusuke: [way too happy] Tuxedo Kamen-sama!
Koenma: The King of Cheese comes to the rescue.
Yuusuke: A rose flies out of the air, stem landing at the feet of the officer approaching Hiei.
Kurama: Good Inari…
Kuwa: Well, you *do* fight with a rose.
Kurama: How pathetic is Mamoru, anyway? He has a *cane* and a *rose.* The cane is the only weapon in his arsenal. The rose, which he uses most of the time mind you, is a distraction. At which point his gives his cheesy speech, even though Sailor Moon has already given hers, and tells said Senshi to get rid of the monster. While Sailor Moon gets a boost in her powers once or twice every season!
Yuusuke: It’s Shoujo anime, Kurama. Mamoru doesn’t have to be cool.

>The fox met his eyes. "What is going on?"
"They're arresting us, Ku- er . . . Shuuichi.

Kurama: Smooth. Remind us never to let you do infiltration.
Yuusuke: Oi.

>The store owner accused us of stealing money, and they won't count down his cash register to prove it." Yuusuke nearly grinned as he saw the annoyance that Kurama was feeling. He settled back to watch what played out.

Koenma: [Yuusuke] What, no popcorn?
Yuusuke: [Hiei] It’s just a Sailor Moon rerun anyway. Let’s go.

>Kurama glared at the officer who had been advancing on Hiei. "You do realize that you are falsely arresting these two if you don't check out all the facts, don't you?" His voice was dangerous. "I want your names. I will be reporting this incident."

Yuusuke: [Tuxedo Kurama] Now, Sailor Hiei!
Kurama: Shh, you’ll wake him.
Yuusuke: [snickers] Sorry.

>The shorter officer frowned. "I'm Uchiro Youji, and he's Wasari Taki." He turned toward the store owner, who had been about to open the cash register. "Good, you're ready to count that drawer down." He walked over there. "Let's see it."
>The store owner blanched. "But . . ."

[Koenma covers Yuusuke’s mouth before he can start singing, motioning at the sleeping fire demon in Kurama’s arms meaningfully. Yuusuke sighs.]

>Kurama turned toward Wasari. "You need to take these handcuffs off Yuusuke. He has not been formally arrested yet."

Kurama: And he’s not that kinky. Besides the sword thing, which I don’t want to know about.
Yuusuke: [blushes and glares] Stop bringing that up already!

>Uchiro continued to speak to the store owner. "There is no reason for you to be reluctant if you are honest." His voice was slightly mocking.
>As his partner scolded the store owner, Wasari unhandcuffed Yuusuke, glaring at Kurama. "If he turns out to be guilty . . ."

Kurama: Unhandcuffed isn’t a -
Koenma: It is now.
Kurama: But -
Koenma: The author just made it up. See?
Kurama: [sighs] Fine, fine.

>The store owner flinched under Officer Uchiro's gaze. "All right . . ." he whispered, defeated. "I lied. They paid."

Yuusuke: Huzzah! I’m saved.
Koenma: And there was much rejoicing.
Kurama: [deadpans] Yay…

>Kurama smirked. "He's not. I told you."
>Wasari's eyes widened. "What? But he . . ."
>His partner grinned at him. "He lied. It was as the little one said." Hiei scowled.

Yuusuke: And cut off the guy’s arms and legs.
Koenma: Tis but a flesh wound!

>Uchiro turned back to the store owner. "You just wasted our time. You could be arrested for this."
>Yuusuke shook his head. "I don't want to be bothered. I do want a new gallon of milk. This one's been sitting out for twenty minutes, and I don't want to risk it."

Koenma: That scene took twenty minutes?
Yuusuke: Do I look like Miki Kaoru to you? I don’t have a stopwatch.
Kurama: I just thought of something. Miki doesn’t have that stopwatch in the Utena movie.
Yuusuke: And Touga Kiryuu is Mr. Nice Guy. It’s an alternate universe AND sequel to the show. Now drop it.

>The store owner nodded, defeated. "Go get one. I'll throw that one out." Yuusuke did.
>Uchiro sighed and glared at the store owner. "This really was a waste of our time." He glanced at Yuusuke. "Are you trying to reform?"
>Yuusuke nodded, and gestured toward Hiei. "I have a cousin to take care of. I can't be stealing and acting like an idiot."
>Wasari rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right."

Yuusuke: Why me? Why?! *They’re* the ones conspiring to break into Fort Knox over there, and everyone’s after *me*!
Kurama: Oh, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
Yuusuke: Shut up.

>Uchiro glared at him. "Taki, quit it." He shot Yuusuke an apologetic look. "He's too cynical for his own good. We'll spread the word that you're giving up stealing so things are easier for you, but you'd better stick to it."

Yuusuke: I’m getting tired of this good cop-bad cop shit. Can we go yet?
Koenma: There’s always hope.
Yuusuke: [yawns, snuggles closer to the godling]

>"I will. You have my word on that."

Yuusuke: [Wesley] No good. I’ve known too many Spaniards.
Kuwa: You’re not Spanish, Urameshi.
Yuusuke: It’s a rehash, Kuwabara. Cool it.

>"We'll see," Wasari retorted. He left the store. Uchiro shrugged and followed him.
>Yuusuke gathered the groceries that he'd been forced to drop and headed out the door. "Why are you here, Kurama?"

Kurama: Saving you. You could be a little more grateful.
Yuusuke: Thank you, Tuxedo Kurama-sama!
Kurama: … Never mind.

>Kurama smiled. "I keep track of everyone, usually. You two were wandering around and I wondered why."

Yuusuke: [Diego] You don’t know much about tracking, do you?
Koenma: [Sid] I see a twig, eat a leaf - that’s my tracking.

>Hiei scowled. "It's none of your damned business."

Yuusuke: Bitch-slap him into next week, Hiei-clone.
Koenma: You know you wanna.

>Kurama raised an eyebrow. "If I hadn't been curious, you two would have been arrested."

Koenma: Curiosity killed the Youko-clone.
Yuusuke: Do it! Do it!

>"Thanks, Kurama. We'd better get home now." Yuusuke gave Hiei a meaningful look. "Let's go." Kurama frowned, but didn't follow them, thankfully.

Kurama: [himself, as Seishirou] I think they’re starting to suspect something.
Koenma: [himself, as Fuuma][smirks evilly]

>"Hiei, I know you're upset with him, but he did help us back there," Yuusuke whispered when they were out of the fox's hearing range.
>"He's just watching us so he can report to Koenma."
>Yuusuke sighed. "Yeah, but if he hadn't stepped in, you'd have been patted down and shoved in handcuffs and we both would have been thrown in jail." He glanced at Hiei. "And I know you don't like to be touched . . ."

Koenma: No prison jokes?
Yuusuke: I see the end, I was trying to hurry it along.
Koenma: Sorry.
Yuusuke: S’alright.

>"Mind your own business, Yuusuke."
>Yuusuke sighed and shifted the bags in his arms. It was going to be a
long week.

Yuusuke: Screw that, it’s been a long *day*!
Kurama: Is that it?
Kuwa: Finally?!
Koenma: Let’s get the hell outta here.
Yuusuke: Good idea!
[Kurama wakes Hiei up and they all exit the theatre together]

- Satellite, epilogue -

After the longest day of torture thus far, our heroes settled down for the rest of the day, trying to salvage their holiday. Kurama headed back into the kitchen with Hiei, and the other three had fun watching the two demons having a slight argument over how to cut the ham. Kurama then had trouble getting the cranberries out of the can, since the bottom of the can wouldn’t open and he couldn’t force it out. Hiei had set up all the various traps in the refrigerator in order to protect the sweets, so it was only fair that he was the one to disable them. Then the fire demon sat back and watched Yuusuke, Koenma, and Kuwabara purge themselves with food, as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks. Once the rest of the food had been served, Kurama directed them all into the control room.

“We have a surprise for you, Yuusuke,” the Youko said cheekily. The brown-eyed ningen just raised a skeptical eyebrow as he watched Kurama fiddle around with the controls one-handed, the other keeping his plate aloft.

“Ah!” The view screen fizzled with snow until it cleared suddenly with an almost inaudible “pop!” and an image appeared that was a complete surprise. For once, it wasn’t Rando’s smirking face. It wasn’t any kind of Rando-face. No, it was…

Yuusuke’s jaw slid open in shock.

“Told you we might be able to get TV up here,” Kurama announced brightly, though he really had no need.

“Lord of the Rings,” Yuusuke said softly, watching the scene. The Fellowship of the Ring to be exact.

“Two Towers is on tomorrow,” the redhead told him helpfully. “We checked.” Just then, the Youko found himself with an armful of Yuusuke. A moment later, Hiei did also, to the Fire Demon’s utter shock. The boy had never hugged him before.

He blinked and looked up at Kurama. “I feel violated,” he deadpanned.

His lover giggled at that, but didn’t reply. “Merry Christmas, Yuusuke,” he said instead, only the teen was already munching on his dinner, sitting cross-legged on the floor and watching the movie attentively. The other four shrugged and joined him.

Later they opened their presents. Yuusuke gave cheat-codes for the holocabana to Kuwabara (rather sportingly of him) and the “toy” car to Kurama. Hiei gave Kurama a small box containing… dirt with a note saying, “There’s more where this came from. I’d suggest using the plastic cups as pots.” The Youko laughed so hard his face turned red, and the Jaganshi was, frankly, startled he had that effect on his fiancé. When Yuusuke thought the time was right (when the movie was over) he asked Koenma to follow him out of sight from the others.

*

Kuwabara was kicking the side of the console from his seat on the floor. It was the only way to change the channel, as barbaric as it may have seemed.

“Keep going until you find Slayers,” Yuusuke pleaded on his way out. “If you find it, holler!”

“Whatever,” Kuwabara answered, not seeming to care. When Urameshi had gone, he looked at Hiei. “He’s going to do it, isn’t he?”

“Aa,” the fire demon responded, eyes on the screen. Kuwabara kicked it again. “What do you think of that?” Hiei asked him curiously. He wondered if the human would react to this as he had his and Kurama’s relationship.

Kuwabara shrugged. “As long as he’s happy, I guess I don’t care.” He glanced in the direction Yuusuke and Koenma had gone. “And as long as he, like, never kisses Koenma’s toddler form in front of us. That’d just be sick.”

Hiei tried not to smirk. “Idiot.”

*

Koenma cast his eyes around them. It was the hallway where all the mysterious doorways were located. “If I may ask, Yuu-chan -” He started, but the teen only shook his head, smiling widely.

“I know this is going to be horribly cheesy, but just deal with me,” Yuusuke told him. “I’m new at this crap, okay?” Koenma blinked at him, confused. The youth sighed. “You and I have a long history together -”

“Right.”

“- and this sort of just sprang on us both, but I wanted you to know…” Yuusuke grimaced. “Ah, screw it. Just look up.”

“What?”

“Look up!”

Koenma gave him a strange look, like he was thinking his Tantei had finally lost his mind completely, and did as commanded. His eyes grew wide as they met the object Yuusuke had undoubtedly wanted him to see. “Yuu-chan?” he asked softly, disbelievingly.

“Don’t worry, it’s what you think it is. I found it in the Christmas decorations. Hid it in my pocket before you could see it.”

“Mistletoe?” The godling laughed, surprise fading quickly.

Yuusuke glared up at him. “Shut up,” he snapped irritably, grabbed hold of the taller man, pulled the pacifier from his mouth, and kissed him.

For just a small, almost insignificant moment in time, in that darkly lit corridor, on a Christmas day that hadn’t gone so well, everything centered on just these two people. And everything seemed as if it would be alright.