Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ And Now, For Something Different/Are You Serious?! ( Chapter 22 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre: Season Two
Episode Twenty-Two: And Now, For Something Different/Are You Serious?!
Story: Red Eyes
Story by: Ryuuko (And I’m horribly sorry this took forever to get out! Really!)
Msted by: Rose Thorne and Chrissy Sky

Notes: Okay. Some of you might not have seen Slayers, so I’m going to try writing with that perspective in mind. Please, hear out this chapter. Bear with me. I’ve dried up, guys. Seriously. I need new blood in the theatre.

I’ve been thinking about ending this series, for crying out loud! And I didn’t want to do that, so I waited until I got a halfway decent idea or inspiration. This was all I could think up.

Oh, and since this is a major TWT (which is all my fault), I’d like to make a note on the chronology. Yuusuke and Keiko’s restaurant (at the end of the series) goes out of business (in this timeline) and Keiko convinces Yuusuke to go back to school with her. (He may have dropped out again since then, I haven’t decided…) Koenma made up with his dad (no doubt by begging and pleading). Enma probably forgave him only because he needs somebody to do his paperwork. So, there. That covers up my loose ends. (I hope.)


- Alt-verse -

A large, discarded hookah lay in a corner of the dark room, covered with a thick layer of dust. Four women of varying ages and appearances leaned over a table covered in hastily scribbled notes, one of the four waiting impatiently for the other three to decipher her chicken-scratch writing.

“Well?” Chrissy asked.

“Don’t you think it’s more than a little hypocritical for you to appear in your own fic when just in the previous instalment you complained about that Mary Sue?” Her younger sister, DT, answered her question with a question.

The bathrobe-wearing girl pouted and leaned against a girl to her right. This young lady had short hair that looked vaguely purple, and she grinned at Chrissy in amusement. “She has a point, you know.”

“Bunny…”

“Well,” Rose said, standing up, “we’d better get this over with, I guess.”

The other three nodded solemnly and disappeared with a resounding pop.

*

- The Sea of Chaos -

She cracked a golden eye open and looked about herself wearily. The Lord of Nightmares saw nothing in the empty void around her. Below her were the staffs of four remaining worlds. She had created those staffs, and many others, long ago. On each of those staffs was a world, and on each the forces of good and evil battled against each other. The good, oftentimes called Gods by mortals, protected their world, while the bad, the Dark Lords, wished to destroy it.

It was then that she noticed that the sound she’d heard, the sound that had woken her, was coming from one of the worlds in particular. She watched it intently, for this was the world she had been once called to by a young and desperate sorceress, with a spirit as fiery as her hair. She had nearly taken the girl back into oblivion with her, but at the last minute Lina Inverse had been saved.

As she watched, she noticed something peculiar. The foolish girl wasn’t calling her again. The Dark Lord of that world had not woken from his long slumber again. This was far different.

Her voice echoed off the void like walls of a very long, very old cavern.

“What the fuck…?”

Otherworlders…?

*

- One of the aforementioned worlds… -

Other patrons of the tavern stared in wide-eyed fascination as the redheaded sorceress and the blond swordsman ate as if they hadn’t eaten in days. When really, their last meal was just an hour ago, in another tavern. The sorceress was in her late teens, with a very petite frame, which bellied her enormous power (and her current meal, while we’re on the subject). Her companion was powerfully built, yet his face was boyish and quite attractive. On his belt was an ordinary sword, where the Sword of Light used to be.

These were Lina Inverse, greatest sorceress of the age, and Gourry Gabriev, Lina’s protector, respectively. They had travelled together for years now (on the pretence of Lina obtaining the Sword of Light, but since Sirius had taken it home with him, neither of them mentioned that little detail anymore).

Also seated at their table was another girl, only a couple of years younger than the redhead. Her short, dark blue hair framed her face and, though still young, her body showed it was growing to be quite voluptuous. Far more than the redhead’s, at any rate. Next to her was a man--or so it seemed to be--who was mildly good looking, if one was to look past the fact that his skin was blue and made of rock. The girl had already eaten at the other tavern and was stuffed more easily than Lina and Gourry. The young man was content with his fourth cup of tea.

These were Amelia wil Tesla Saillune, Princess of Saillune, and Zelgadis Greywords, a swordsman/shaman, respectively. They had known Lina and Gourry for a long time. All four had met and become steadfast friends while fighting against (and subsequently defeating--barely) the dark lord Ruby Eye Shabranigdu.

“Zel, Amelia,” Lina said through her food. “You two gotta try some of this sushi, it’s fabulous.”

“Chew, swallow--then talk,” Zelgadis replied tonelessly. “Repeat.”

Lina swallowed. “What?”

Zelgadis sighed. “Never mind.”

“Why did you want to come to this town, Lina-san?” Amelia asked curiously.

“Well, there’s supposedly this ancient treasure vault, sealed with all these different sorts of protection spells--allegedly produced by Black Magic if you can believe that--and it holds two legendary items, among a sizable amount of other booty.” Lina’s red eyes gleamed excitedly as she explained. Amelia was familiar with this look. It was the greedy look the redhead got whenever she found a prize she wanted. Which happened quite often, as you might gather.

“One is another copy of the Claire Bible--” At this, Zelgadis looked up sharply. “--Yes, Zel, you get first dibs on it, you don’t have to ask. I’m a gracious girl, aren’t I?” She winked.

Zelgadis smirked appreciatively. He had hoped for a long time to get a look at one of the Claire Bibles, thinking that in its depths held the cure to the curse that had plagued him for the latter part of his life. Years ago, before he had met Lina, on his quest to become stronger, his grandfather, Rezo the Red Priest, granted his wish. But at a great price. Rezo had turned him into a Chimera--one-third human, one-third rock golem, and one-third Mazoku. Lina knew how desperately he wanted to be a normal human again. “Well, sometimes.”

“Oi.” Lina mock pouted.

“And it has a magical sword, doesn’t it, Lina?” Gourry asked, having polished off his food.

Lina nodded eagerly. “Yup! It’s supposed to be the opposite of the Sword of Light. The Sword of Dark.”

“But the Sword of Dark was created by Black Magic!” Amelia exclaimed.

Lina looked sour. “Just because it was, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. It’s exactly the same as the Sword of Light. Except, it’ll probably have a dark blade instead of a light one. But that’s it.”

The Sword of Light had been lost to them since their last brush with adventure, when the Dark Lord from another world, Dark Star, had invaded their world. Sirius, the overworlder who had come to destroy Dark Star, had taken the sword back with him after the battle. But Gourry was without a permanent weapon, and since the Sword of Light had been a family heirloom, Lina felt obligated to help him find a replacement. Especially since, well, she was close to becoming a member of the Gabriev clan.

The thought made her blush and she quickly cast it from her mind.

“Yes, the Sword of Dark is really no different from the Sword of Light, Lina-san!” said a new voice. “You’re correct, as usual.”

The four whirled in unison and saw a tall man standing nearby, who had not been there a moment ago. He was simply dressed (impersonating a priest--well, a human one anyway), with short violet hair and an ever cheerful smile on his somewhat feminine features. His eyes were closed, which was common. They knew this man well. He was a friend of theirs. Sometimes.

This jovial character was known as Xellos, the Trickster Priest. He was not a human, but a Mazoku. Mazoku were servants of the dark lord Shabranigdu. Common belief was that they fed off of negative human emotions. From personal experience, they knew them to be quite sadistic at times. This one in particular had a penchant for elaborate pranks. Hence his moniker--trickster priest.

“Xellos,” Zelgadis spoke first, and his voice came out in a hardly contained growl. “What are you doing here?”

“Why, I assure you, it’s a complete coincidence!” the Mazoku replied easily. “I’m here on my own business. Our paths seem to cross frequently through chance, don’t you think?”

Lina exchanged a look with Zelgadis and they both rolled their eyes. Uh huh. And Shabranigdu wore a pink tutu while singing show tunes.

“You’re trying to keep us from the Claire Bible again, aren’t you?” Zelgadis demanded.

Xellos’ smile faded away into a light frown. “My, you *are* the suspicious one, aren’t you, Zelgadis-san?” he teased.

The shaman stood abruptly and tangled his fists into the priest’s robes. “With reason. Don’t keep me from it this time, or else.”

One of Xellos’ eyes cracked open. It gleamed in an evil manner. Their friends watched with interest. “Or else? Do you think you are ready to fight me, Zelgadis-san, when you are still at odds with your body and untapped power?”

This was an odd phrase. Intrigued, Zelgadis shook the Mazoku roughly. “What do you mean, ‘untapped power’? And don’t twist the truth, give me a straight answer!”

Xellos opened his mouth in preparation to answer, when he blinked and the young man holding him was suddenly gone. Both of his violet, cat-like eyes opened in surprise and looked around the tavern--but Zelgadis was nowhere in sight.

“Zelgadis-san?” Amelia called, startled by her friend’s sudden disappearance. “Zelgadis-san!”

Lina stood from her seat angrily and glared at Xellos threateningly. “What did you do--?” But she got no further. Amelia and Gourry turned to see that she, too, was suddenly, inexplicably gone.

Xellos frowned darkly. He reached out with his senses and felt something was very wrong. Something had invaded the Astral Plane, but it was gone now, taking Lina and Zelgadis with it. “This could mean trouble,” he said to himself. And then he was gone from the tavern too, but it was by his own power. He went to meet with his master hurriedly on Wolf Pack Island.

*

- Reikai -

Yuusuke Urameshi yawned hugely into his hand, leaning back casually against the concession stand of the Theatre. “So, what’s the hold up?” he asked his boyfriend, the junior god of the spirit world.

Koenma shrugged from where he stood next to him. “I honestly don’t know. Botan just said that we should wait here before heading in. Said it was important.”

“Che,” Hiei muttered. “I highly doubt it’s worth the fuss.”

“Why do you always have to be mean to Botan-chan?” Kuwabara wanted to know, glaring at the shorter being.

Hiei shrugged, looking as unperturbed as usual. “She’s not here. I’m not being mean *to* her. All I said was that it probably wasn’t *that* important.”

Kurama looked like he was about to add something, defending his lover no doubt, when he looked up and saw Botan running in through the glass doors. “Ah! There she is.”

Their blue-haired friend looked decidedly winded, as if she’d been running. “Sorry I’m late! The Oni in charge of the theatre renovations got confused about the couch size *again*. But it should be alright now.”

“Renovations?” Kurama asked, blinking.

“Couch size?” Yuusuke added.

“Well, it had to be made bigger,” Botan explained.

“Why?” Kuwabara asked, smirking slightly in amusement. “So these four have more room to cuddle?”

The four in question all blushed slightly. Kuwabara laughed.

“It wasn’t that funny,” Hiei told him, looking sour.

“Sure it was!”

“Why *is* the couch bigger?” Koenma asked Botan, cutting off the argument before it could get fully started.

“Well, because there’s going to be a bit of a change,” she explained. “It’s kind of confusing, but… Apparently, those two weird girls, Chrissy and DT?” She asked as if she wondered whether the boys remembered them or not. They nodded. “Well, see, they’re bringing two guest msters.”

“Guests?” Yuusuke asked. They hadn’t had any additional members to the theatre since Koenma had joined them. He wondered who else in his group of friends was going to be forced into the torment. “Who?”

But Botan did not need to answer. There was a loud popping sound and two people appeared in the room with them. It was no one Yuusuke knew. At least, not in the flesh. But, when he recognized them, his eyes bugged out and his jaw fell open.

“It’s… it’s…” He couldn’t get out the words.

Lina blinked and felt her stomach drop. Hadn’t she been yelling at Xellos? Where was he? Then she saw Zelgadis. “Zel! What happened? Where are we?”

“You’ve got me,” the Chimera responded. He saw the six others in the room with him and his friend, and laid a hand on the hilt of his sword in caution. “Perhaps they can answer.”

“Oh.” Lina looked them over. “Yeah, huh. So, what is this? Some sort of kidnapping? Are you guys Mazoku?”

“Only in the dub,” Yuusuke managed.

“They’re not Mazoku,” Zelgadis told Lina. “They’re powerful, but they don’t seem evil. Well, except for the short one.”

Hiei growled, which didn’t help his case at all. Kurama glared at the stone-skinned boy.

“He’s *not* evil.”

Zelgadis inclined his head. “My mistake.”

Hiei looked like he very much wanted to prove Zelgadis’ first inclination correct. Kurama put a calming hand on his shoulder. Zelgadis watched their interaction for a moment before turning back to Lina.

“They’re just as confused about our arrival here as we are.”

Lina looked upward. “Great. Just great. All I wanted to do today was break into a treasury *without* something abnormal happening. Is that too much to ask?!”

Zelgadis raised a stone eyebrow. “For you? Yes.”

Yuusuke decided to speak up. “Um. I can’t tell you how you got here, but I can tell you *why*.” And he explained about Enma’s Torment as briefly and easily as he could. But even when he was finished, he could tell that Lina and Zelgadis were still pretty confused.

“And these two girls are responsible for us being here?” Lina asked.

Yuusuke nodded. “Yeah. We were trapped on a satellite in Space once, and they brought us home. Probably the same way they brought you here.”

“Where are these brats?” Lina demanded. “I at least want to *see* whoever has the gall to just pluck us out of our world without even a ‘hello’! It’s rude.”

“They’re probably long gone by now,” Koenma said. “But I promise that after this is over, I’ll see that you’re returned to your world.” Somehow. Surely the crazy girls wouldn’t just *leave* them here! They weren’t bad, just insane.

“Thanks,” Lina said sarcastically. “But I’d rather not be here at all!”

“None of us want to be here,” Kurama told her. “We’ve been forced into it for the past year.”

“By my own father,” Koenma added.

“Seriously?” Lina somehow didn’t feel so bad after that. And, these people didn’t seem that bad. She was a pretty good judge of character. In her line of work, she had to be. “Well, I suppose we should get this over with.” She still wasn’t that enthusiastic about it. Her reading materials were usually books on magical theory and spell incantations, or stuff on history and legends. This “fan fiction” definitely did not appeal to her.

“Yeah,” Yuusuke agreed and lead the way into the darkened theatre. “Besides, I want to see what they did to the couch…”

- Theatre -

[Now, sitting from left to right: Kuwabara, Koenma, Yuusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Zelgadis, and Lina.]

Hiei: Did Enma ask for those brats to bring them?
Koenma: I suppose so... Maybe Dad thought we were getting stale.
Yuusuke: Pfft. *I'm* not getting stale.
Kurama: [sighs] The least he could've done was let us stay home.
Zelgadis: [raises an eyebrow] So we can take over your job? How gracious.
Kurama: We've been doing this for a year. All we're asking for a is a break.
Hiei: Preferably a long one.
Lina: And all I wanted today was treasure! Do you see it anywhere? Nope!
Zelgadis: Yes, but something usually *does* go wrong with your schemes. Remember those songs and weird dresses you had to wear when--
Lina: I told you not to ever mention that. Ever.
Yuusuke: [giggles softly]
Zelgadis: [looks at him closely] Why do I get the feeling you know us?
Yuusuke: Because you're a smart guy!
Kuwabara: I'm staying out of this one.
Koenma: We'll explain it to you later.
Lina: Okay...
Yuusuke: I wonder what would happen if we broke the fourth wall in Reikai...?
Koenma: [looks nervous] Well, it usually causes earthquakes... Depending on how large a breach is.
Kurama: [winces] And if it pissed Enma off, Ningenkai might have an earthquake.
Koenma: [winces as well]
Lina: Ningenkai?
Yuusuke: Oh! Our world is separated into three different planes - The Reikai, where we are now, the Ningenkai, where humans live, and Makai, where demons live.
Hiei: [snorts] You sound like Hinageshi.
Yuusuke: [blushes slightly] I did?
Hiei: All you need to do is start talking about the Netherworld.
Kurama: [cringes] I'd prefer not to think about the Netherworld.
Zelgadis: What's the Netherworld?
Yuusuke: I'd tell you, but then I'd be proving Hiei right. Pass!
Koenma: The Netherworld were the ones that put us in that satellite in space. They, uh, made us read fanfics as well. But they were worse than what my dad picks out.
Hiei: [winces] I agree with Kurama. Let's just get on with the fic so we can get out of here.
Koenma: [coughs slightly] Right. Sorry.

>Red Eyes

Hiei: Oh, Gods. Not again.
Lina: Eh?
Yuusuke: Poor Hiei has red eyes, like you. And he's a frequent target in these fics.
Lina: Oh, right. You said they were about you...
Zelgadis: At least we don't have to read any about ourselves.
Kurama: Just hope you don't become frequent guests...
Zelgadis: Irk.
Kuwa: Well, isn't it possible? We don't know if those girls are gonna come back to get you...
Koenma: [winces] That would be bad.
Lina: [darkly] You're telling me. Because I'd hold you to your promise.
Zelgadis: Lina. No fireballs. This place looks very flammable.
Lina: [raspberries] I wasn't going to!
Hiei: [perks] Fire?
Lina: [nods] I'd show you, but... Well, I can't create one unless I plan to use it. And like Zel said, this place would go up in flames from just one...
Koenma: [sourly] It's up to code.
Lina: Doesn't look it.
Kurama: Enma's cheap, Koenma. He probably cut corners.
Koenma: ... Point taken.
Kuwabara: Yeah, remember what happened when Hiei got pissed the first time?
Yuusuke: [makes a cheesy explosion sound effect]
Koenma: He made sure it didn't happen again...
Hiei: [growls] By getting those girls to collar me!
Koenma: It was... cheaper...
Zelgadis: [to Kurama] Let me guess. He has an affinity with fire as well?
Kurama: [nods] Not exactly an *affinity*.
Yuusuke: He's a fire demon.
Zelgadis: [eyes widen] Well... Sometimes Lina acts like a demon... [Lina smacks him and he falls off the couch]
Hiei: [smirks]
Lina: [grinning] Need help fixing your hair, Zel?
Zelgadis: [sigh] I left the pliers at home...
Hiei: [blinks] Pliers?
Zelgadis: [blushes] [bends a strand of his hair, and it stays in place] It's wire.
Hiei: What are you, a robot?
Zelgadis: [blushes more]
Lina: No. He's a chimera. 1/3 Human, 1/3 rock golem, and 1/3 Mazoku. His appearance is attributed to the golem half.
Hiei: [snorts] That's one hell of a family line.
Zelgadis: ... Considering that my grandfather was the one that did this to me, you're half right.
Hiei: [stares at him] I don't want to know.
Zelgadis: Good, because I don't want to talk about it.
Lina: [stage whispers] It's a sore subject. He's still trying to find a way to get back to normal!

>Yamiki: Hello, folks. This is your friendly neighborhood muse dropping in. Ryuuko-kun is too afraid to show up in the flesh, so I’ll be doing the boring shit.

Kurama: That doesn't bode well.
Lina: Ryuuko? A friend of yours?
Koenma: No. Possibly the author.
Hiei: And with the title of the fic... [scowls]
Kurama: [kisses him lightly]
Hiei: [leans against him]

>This is his attempt at Yukina-introspect, and very little is happy about it.

Hiei: [stares] Oh, hell no.
Kuwa: Yukina-chan?!
Yuusuke: Well, there's a first.
Hiei: [frowns]
Lina: Yukina?
Koenma: Hiei's sister.
Yuusuke: But she doesn't know that.
Hiei: And don't any of you go telling her, either.
Lina: Er... I don't even know her, man.
Hiei: [grumbles]
Kurama: It's alright, Dragon. [rubs his head soothingly]
Hiei: [leans into his side]
Kuwa: [grumbles] They better not hurt Yukina-chan...
Yuusuke: Well, technically it's not really her.
Kuwa: That's not the point.
Koenma: [frowns]
Yuusuke: K-chan?
Koenma: [shakes his head] I just can't imagine Dad picking that kind of fic, is all.
Yuusuke: Hmm. Yeah, that is odd... [drops his voice] You don't think it's *them*, do you?
Koenma: [same] It better not be... Especially with guests here, it wouldn't be a good thing...
Yuusuke: [glances at Hiei worriedly] Yeah...

>She cusses; she’s cynical.

Yuusuke: Tonight the role of Yukina will be played by Avril Lavigne.
Kuwa: That's not Yukina!
Yuusuke: Yeah, like I said. Avril.
Hiei: Yukina is not emo-goth.
Yuusuke: ... You know, I'm still amazed when you pick up little pop culture things like that.
Hiei: [snorts] All I have to do when Kurama's at school is watch TV. What'd you expect?
Yuusuke: I can come over and hang out with you, if you wanted.
Hiei: [stares at him] You'd probably make me watch Slayers.
Lina: What?
Hiei: Slayers. Your show. All about you and your friends.
[the floor shivers slightly]
Koenma: HIEI!
Hiei: Um. Oops?
Zelgadis: What *was* that?!
Yuusuke: [sighs] Hiei broke the Fourth Wall. I'd suggest you ignore it.
Zelgadis: Right...
Yuusuke: I'll explain all about it when we're outta here. It's safer.
Koenma: You did that on purpose!
Hiei: [innocently] No I didn't.

>As you (unless you’re denser then Kuwabara) have gathered, she is OCC.

Kuwa: OI!
Kurama: I think they mean OOC.
Lina: What's that?
Yuusuke: It's an abbreviation for out of character. Which Yukina is. The real Yukina is really polite and sweet.
Kuwa: And innocent and pretty and...
Hiei: Knock it off!
Kuwa: [blushes] Well, she is!
Hiei: Stop mooning over my sister!
Kurama: [whispers in his ear] Hiei, that's not really fair. What if he asked you to stop "mooning" over me?
Hiei: [growls] He has no right.
Kurama: [nuzzles his cheek] True. But he isn't going to stop loving her, in any case.
Hiei: [moves into his lap, relaxes against him] Hn.
Zelgadis: [can't help but stare at them and blush]
Lina: [giggles at him] Didn't you notice earlier?
Zelgadis: Not really...
Lina: You're such a prude.
Yuusuke: [snickers again]

>Ryuuko-kun has basically, in an attempt to get a better feel for her (not like that! He’s gayer that Elton John! Hentai...), fucked her gentle, bubbly persona six ways to Sunday.

Yuusuke: Oh, well, that just makes us feel *so* much better. Right.
Hiei: [toys with a lock of Kurama's hair]
Kuwa: [growls]
Koenma: [pats his shoulder] Remember, Kuwabara, it's not really her.
Kuwa: Still!

>He apologizes profusely to Kuwabara, Hiei, Genkai, and of course, Yukina. So sorry, dear! We really do like you!

Hiei: That's not going to keep us from hunting you down and gutting you.
Kuwa: Yeah! Apology *not* accepted.
Koenma: [sighs]
Zelgadis: I take it this is normal?
Kurama: [running hand gently down Hiei's back] Yes... They're both very protective of Yukina.
Yuusuke: But this isn't our normal kind of fic...
Kurama: [looks at him sharply] You don't think it's...
Koenma: I don't know.
Hiei: [looks slightly ill]
Kurama: [holds him closer]
Hiei: [softly] I'm okay.
Lina: [concerned] What's going on?
Yuusuke: Well... We're not sure, but it's possible that Koenma's dad didn't pick this fic for us to read. It might be the Netherworld again. They did it before, after we got back.
Zelgadis: So, they're still after you?
Kuwa: [softly] I hope not...
Yuusuke: Well, we did kill their leader...
Zelgadis: Heh. Reminds me of Valgaav.
Lina: [winces] Yeah... I hope when he grows up he doesn't remember Gaav and still blame me for what happened.

>Disclaimer: Ryuuko does not own Yu Yu Hakusho. The fact that Koenma--in the series, at least-- is not screwing Yusuke in to the wall proves this.

Yuusuke: [grins cheekily] He's not?
Koenma: [blushes brightly]
Kuwa: In the *series*, he said.
Yuusuke: Pfft. Doesn't matter. This is real and he really *is* screwing me. So there.
Hiei: [chuckles]
Kurama: Yeah, you tell the canon whores, Yuusuke.
Zelgadis: Wait... so, you two are together too?
Yuusuke: [grins] Yup!
Zelgadis: [blushes again]
Lina: Prude. Is there something you're not telling me, Zel?
Zelgadis: No!
Lina: You don't sound too sure about that...
Zelgadis: [growls]
Yuusuke: [starts laughing]
Hiei: Fanboy.
Lina: You know, it's okay if you are. But you'd better break it to Amelia gently. She has a *huge* crush on you, you know.
Zelgadis: [blushes more] Lina. Shut up.
Yuusuke: [laughs harder]
Lina: This kinda makes sense... You've always been really fond of grabbing Xellos whenever he's around. And they say there's a fine line between love and hate--
Zelgadis: LINA!
Lina: [snickers] Alright, alright... But, if you *were*, then I'd still be your friend. No kidding this time.
Zelgadis: [ignoring her]
Yuusuke: [clutches his stomach, still laughing]

>He just stole some hair for cloning.

Lina: That's... actually kinda creepy.
Yuusuke: [stops laugh] Oi! That's not funny!
Koenma: You don't suppose this is how they all get the clones of us, do you?
Hiei: [annoyed] Better not be.
Kurama: ... Now I've got the urge to hide my hair brush.
Hiei: [runs his hands through Kurama's hair]
Kurama: [smiles, kisses him deeply]
Hiei: [grins, kisses him back]
Zelgadis: [looks at them and blushes]
Lina: [giggles] It's rude to stare.
Zelgadis: I'm not!
Yuusuke: [grins] Voyeur.
Lina: [laughs]
Zelgadis: [buries face in his hands]

>Warnings: Mentioned shonen-ai, overuse of the four letter word for fornication, and other such naughty words, severe angst, suicidal thoughts, deathfic...?

Kuwa: DEATHFIC?!
Hiei: [flinches]
Yuusuke: Sounds like Good Charlotte's newest cd...
Hiei: [softly] I want to go home.
Kurama: [snuggles tightly] I know, Dragon. I know.
Yuusuke: [bites his lip and looks at Koenma]
Koenma: [looks back helplessly]
Lina: [watches sympathetically] This is messed up...
Zelgadis: [nods solemnly]

>Dedicated to Ping-sama... because she fucking rocks.
>Yukina POV
>******

Yuusuke: Oh, typical. We finally get some stars and I'm not in the mood to sing.
Koenma: [puts his arm over Yuusuke's shoulder]
Yuusuke: [leans against him, still looking worried]
Hiei: [twirls a lock of Kurama's hair around a finger]
Kurama: [rubbing Hiei's back some more] [sings softly] Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play...
Yuusuke: The hell?
Kurama: [bashfully] It was the only thing I could think of...
Hiei: [smiles slightly]
Kurama: [kisses him gently]
Hiei: [closes his eyes]

>Red eyes glare at me through the mirror.
>I fucking *hate* red eyes.

Lina: Hey! I resemble that remark!
Zelgadis: Lina...
Kurama: [nuzzles Hiei]
Hiei: [buries his face in Kurama's neck]
Yuusuke: [winces, softly] This isn't going to be good...
Koenma: [same] I've been thinking... What if during all the commotion, you know with the new couch and everything--what if the Meikai snuck in?
Yuusuke: [same] Your dad needs to stop skimping on the security budget...
Koenma: [same][nods] I'll have to make a stronger case about it... But it's harder to convince him about things, since he got mad at me for letting you live. He barely forgave me. [grumbles] Of course, it could be that he just wanted me to do his damn paperwork...
Yuusuke: [kisses him]
Koenma: [kisses back] I don't regret it for a second, though. I love you.
Yuusuke: [blushes slightly] I love you, too, K-chan.

>Red eyes of my bastard father, the only thing that marked me as an outsider to Them.

Yuusuke: Them? Now it sounds like Good Omens.
Hiei: [lowly] If your father is behind this, I don't care if he's a god. I'll kill him.
Koenma: I-I don't think he is. I'm so sorry, Hiei...
Hiei: Hn.
Lina: [softly] I'd be upset too, if it were my sister. She may scare the crap outta me, but she's still family.
Zelgadis: [same] You like these people.
Lina: They're good guys. They don't deserve this crap.
Kurama: [to Koenma] Do you think we can get out of here?
Koenma: We can try. I don't care what dad says. [upward] Botan! BOTAN! [silence]
Yuusuke: Shit. [runs up to check the door] Double shit. It's fucking locked!
Kuwa: It's gotta be the Netherworld.
Hiei: [dangerously] It better be.
Yuusuke: [cracks his knuckles] Goodie. A new bad guy to beat up.
Lina: [smirks] You need some help?
Yuusuke: Huh? Why?
Lina: I consider you guys friends now. And nobody messes with my friends.
Yuusuke: [grins slowly] Yeah. Your fireball'd be useful.
Lina: [grins back] But of course. And Zel can lend some Ra Tilts while we're feeling all good-natured.
Zelgadis: [smirks] Definitely.

>I can’t even think of Them as family. I don’t think I ever truly did. Families do not treat you the way I was treated.

Yuusuke: Okay, I was going to try to mst the next line, but that's... un-mstable.
Hiei: [buries his face against Kurama]
Kurama: [holds him close] It's okay, Hiei...
Koenma: [winces]

>It was mostly... subtle things. The ribbons and obi bright red, to match my ‘...interesting’ eyes. More like a way to mark me from a distance, to pin the blame of every accident and theft on me.

Yuusuke: Discriminate much?
Kuwa: [very softly] Well, look at what they did to Hiei...
Yuusuke: [winces] Assholes...
Lina: So, this guy wants to get a "better feel" for the character, yet he's writing her "out of character"? Could somebody explain the logic in that to me?
Kurama: There is no logic to it. It's idiocy.
Zelgadis: It must be punished.
Yuusuke: [angrily] Yeah, it will be.
Lina: A fireball is too good for these guys. A Dragon Slave is definitely in order.
Zelgadis: Right *now*?
Lina: I know not to set it off in an enclosed space!!
Zelgadis: ... Sometimes I wonder.
Lina: Oi.
Kurama: [rubs Hiei's back]
Hiei: [not removing his face from Kurama's chest]

>I wore them all the same. Not because I was obedient; it was my own twisted way of saying, “Fuck you, hags. You will not break me.”

Yuusuke: Not with a thousand swords...
Hiei: [stiffens slightly]
Yuusuke: Irk. Sorry.
Kurama: [shakes his head, hugs Hiei tightly]

>Damn, it hurts to be wrong.
>I wonder why I am thinking of this, tonight of all nights. It’s my birthday. I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be ecstatic. Another year of my life, free from Them has passed. I *should* be happy.

Kuwa: [winces] This isn't right.
Kurama: [kisses the top of Hiei's head]
Hiei: [doesn't move]
Lina: [watches for a moment then makes up her mind] I think it's time we busted out of here, boys. FIREBALL! [chucks the glowing orb of fire at the door]
[it hits, but it doesn't work right--it's a lot smaller than it should to be and only scorches the door]
Zelgadis: The room must be warded.
Lina: FUCK!
Yuusuke: Typical.

>“Tra la la dee *fucking* da,” I murmur, smirking viciously. I wonder idly how my friends would react, hearing that little phrase coming from my apparently virgin mouth. Half of ‘em would probably faint.

Yuusuke: The other half are sitting here reading this crap and getting pissed off.
Kuwa: Because it's not her. It's not even her clone!

>I could almost hear Kurama-san’s shocked little, “Oh, my...” I snort. Shows what they’d know.

Kurama: [sarcastically] Oh, my...
Yuusuke: This is so bad there's no way to riff it...
Kurama: Hence why the Netherworld picked it.

>You don’t get to be as old as I am without making yourself a mask of some kind; mine just happened to be that of a child. Kurama-san has his polite, genki mask, Hiei-san had his made of stone, stone and fiery anger.

Kurama: "Has" after Hiei. Keep it in the same tense.
Yuusuke: [softly] I doubt Hiei's clone wants to be in the fic still...
Hiei: [muffled] I don't want to be *here* still.
Yuusuke: [winces] I know. We're trying.
Lina: Well... I *could* cast the Dragon Slave... That'd blow through any ward.
Zelgadis: NO! You'll kill us all!
Lina: I know that! But if we could, like, get some sort of shield erected around us, then it'd be alright...
Yuusuke: [winces] Except that the ward might mess with any kekkai we'd put up.
Lina: Shit.
Kuwa: So we're just going in circles! Great.
Hiei: [pulls away from Kurama] I'll deal. Just MST the fucking thing so we can get out of here.
Kurama: [concerned] Hiei...
Hiei: [curls in his lap, smirks slightly] You'll just have to distract me...
Kurama: [smirks back] With pleasure, my dear. [tips his head back to kiss him deeply]
Hiei: [returns the kiss]

>I don’t really think of mine as a mask, actually.

Yuusuke: Because it doesn't contain the spirit of Loki.
Koenma: [giggles] That was the worst movie ever.
Kuwa: I hear they're coming out with a "Son of the Mask" movie.
Yuusuke: They are. I've seen the trailers. It's even more ridiculous than the first.
Kuwa: [snorts] Figures.

>I feel like there are two people that make up ‘me’.

Koenma: Sounds like schizophrenia.
Kuwa: Reminds me of Sensui.
Yuusuke: Eep!
Kuwa: It's not like he can come back...
Yuusuke: I'm... paranoid. And fanfics don't make it any easier.
Koenma: [winces] Yeah

>The innocent, naive, sweet little girl, and then... me. Hard, bitter, and cynical. I won’t count myself as ‘dangerous’, not in the way the Yusuke, Hiei, and Kurama-san are, but definitely *not*, ‘a babe in the woods’, I think is the phrase is.

Yuusuke: [whispers] No, but somebody in this room definitely thinks she's a babe...
Kuwa: [blushes] OI!
Yuusuke: [grins]

>Hiei and Kurama-san. Now there were two people who were happy.

Yuusuke: Oh, they're happy alright!
Kurama and Hiei: [caught in a flaming lip-lock]
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously]
Lina: [snickers]
Zelgadis: Lina... Can we switch places?
Lina: No way. It's too funny watching you be embarrassed!
Zelgadis: [sighs]
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>It... hurts, sometimes, seeing them together.

Yuusuke: They're so beautiful; it hurts to look at them.
Koenma: Like looking into the sun.
Kuwa: Or Hiei's dragon.
Lina: He has a dragon?
Yuusuke: No. It's an attack called "Black Dragon Wave". It does about as much damage as your Dragon Slave.
Lina: [whistles] Impressive. And you don't categorize these attacks?
Yuusuke: No, because they're not spells. They're attacks only unique to us.
Lina: Very cool...
Koenma: Well, actually, Hiei's black dragon is a sort of summon...
Yuusuke: Oh, yeah... Forgot. But, if Hiei weren't busy exchanging saliva with his husband, he could've explained it better.
Koenma: I think it's better that he is, honestly.
Yuusuke: True...

>Not that I am jealous of either of them, just jealous of what they have. They’re soul mates, two halves of a whole, and I want that.

Yuusuke: [Michiru] Haruka, that's jealousy.
Koenma: Well, at least the soul mate part is true...
Yuusuke: They are?
Koenma: [winces] Whoops.
Kurama: [breaks away from Hiei for a moment] What was that?
Yuusuke: Dude, looks like you two are actual soul mates!
Kurama: [slowly breaks into a dazed smile]
Hiei: Che. I already knew that.
Kurama: Oh, you! [kisses him deeply]
Hiei: [smirks against his lips]
Lina: [grins] That's so cute...
Zel: [blushes]
Lina: [snickers] You know, Zel...
Zelgadis: Shut up, Lina.
Lina: If you'd admit it, you'd be a lot happier.
Yuusuke: [whispers to Koenma] That's so familiar...
Hiei: [gasps] Yeah. Like what you did with Kurama and me.
Kurama: [smiles breathlessly at Zel] And she's right. It does make you happier.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Irk...
Hiei: And the sex is great. [pulls Kurama down for another kiss]
Zelgadis: [flushes deeper, if that's possible]
Lina: You gonna get a nose bleed?
Zelgadis: No!
Yuusuke: I think you and Xel would be a cute couple.
Zelgadis: Oh, sure. If you can get past the fact that he's a filthy, conniving, lying, manipulative bastard.
Lina: Now, Zel, that's not right. He's very clean.
Zelgadis: [sweat drops] That's not what I meant...
Yuusuke: He just manipulates you because he likes you.
Zelgadis: No. He enjoys seeing us in tight situations and scrambling to get out of them.
Lina: Yeah, but... That's just his quirky sense of humor.
Zelgadis: [looks at her incredulously]
Lina: And, earlier, he *was* trying to tell you something about your power...
Zelgadis: Yeah... I still want to know what he meant.
Yuusuke: [snickers] I bet he likes putting you in *tight* situations.
Zelgadis: [stares at him]
Lina: [giggles] Well, I don't think he'd ever get us into a trouble that we couldn't get out of. He doesn't want us *dead*.
Zelgadis: Yet.
Lina: Do *you* know what his motives are?
Zelgadis: No! Because he doesn't tell the truth! Ever! First, he was helping Phibrizo get you--
Lina: Well, he wasn't actually around after Gaav cut his arm off...
Zelgadis: And he ran out on us! Left us to fight Gaav alone!
Lina: He couldn't have done any good. Gaav would've killed him. What was he supposed to do?
Zelgadis: ...
Yuusuke: You need to figure out if your reasons are really just excuses.
Zelgadis: [thunderstruck]
Yuusuke: [snickers]
Lina: [throws a triumphant grin at Yuusuke and mouths "got him!"]
Koenma: [shakes his head, amused]

>I know that Kuwabara-kun likes, hell, maybe he even thinks he loves me, but no. He has put me on a thrice damned pedestal, never trying to get to know, too shy, I think, *me*.

Yuusuke: Oh dear.
Kuwa: [shrilly] WHAT??
Yuusuke: Kuwabara... Remember, it's not really her thinking this...
Kuwa: [takes deep breaths] Right...
Hiei: [whispers] He does *worship* her though...
Kurama: [same] Shh.
Hiei: [kisses him]
Kurama: [fondles him]
Hiei: [gasps]

>With him, I would never have what Hiei and Kurama-san have.

Yuusuke: Wild monkey sex.
Hiei: [swats at him half-heartedly]
Yuusuke: [snickers]
Lina: They get really... enthusiastic, don't they?
Zelgadis: [is blushing still]
Koenma: And they haven't really even started yet.
Zelgadis: That... somewhat worries me.
Hiei: [panting] Quit with the commentary.
Yuusuke: [snorts-giggles] Can't help it.
Hiei: [hits him]
Yuusuke: Yipe!
Kurama: [softly] I'm trying to distract him.
Yuusuke: [rubs his arm] I'll quit, I'll quit...
Kurama: [gives him a look] Good.
Koenma: [kisses Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: [kisses back]

>I wouldn’t be able to banter, or tease, or argue... Damnit!

Kurama: [breaks away for a moment] We don't argue. We do the other two, but we don't argue.
Hiei: [growls] Stop talking. [nips the side of his neck]
Kurama: [gasps] Sorry, Dragon!
Hiei: [licks the small teeth marks]
Kurama: [smirks and lightly gnaws on Hiei's shoulder] You're going to get it for that later, Hiei.
Hiei: Promise?
Kurama: [giggles, kisses him]

>I wouldn’t be comfortable, with him. He would agree to everything I said, go along with my every whim, no matter how fucking ludicrous.

Yuusuke: LUDICROUS SPEED, GO!
Kuwa: [blinks] Was that supposed to mean something?
Yuusuke: [blushes] Um. Spaceballs reference.
Kuwa: Oh, yeah... Well, this fic sucks, too.
Yuusuke: [pats his shoulder]
Zel: Spaceballs...?
Yuusuke: [grins slowly] Well...
Kuwa: Oh no. I know that look. Yuusuke's found a new victim.
Yuusuke: Sheesh! You make it sound like I'll attack him.
Koenma: They probably won't be here long, anyway.
Yuusuke: Well, I can't very well say "it's a movie" and leave it at that. They don't have movies!
Kuwa: This is going to take forever...
Koenma: Not really. Zelgadis? Spaceballs is a movie. Movies are something we do here for entertainment. Like how you might watch a play in a theatre.
Zelgadis: Oh... So it's a story acted out.
Koenma: Yes, exactly. See?
Yuusuke: [bashful silence] Yeah...
Koenma: Irk. Sorry, Yuu-chan.
Yuusuke: [shakes his head] Nah. 'Sokay. [leans against him]
Koenma: [kisses the side of his head]

>That would be me, leading him on like one of his beloved kittens.

Yuusuke: [resists the urge to sing the Meow-Mix song]
Kuwa: [softly] I like kittens...
Koenma: [pats his shoulder] We know. And, I don't think cats are really capable of leading people on, are they?
Kuwa: [shrugs]
Yuusuke: That reminds me of the magical cats in Harry Potter. Like Crookshanks.
Hiei: [giggles onto Kurama's mouth]
Kurama: [sticks hand underneath his shirt]
Hiei: [moans softly]
Zelgadis: [tries to ignore them--which is hard, since he's right next to them]
Lina: [giggles]
Zelgadis: Haven't you considered that maybe I'm embarrassed because I've been a chunk of rock through most of my teens and I'm sexually repressed?
Lina: Um. Hmm... [pretends to ponder] Nope!
Zelgadis: [sighs]
Yuusuke: Man, must be hard to masturbate like that.
Zelgadis: [falls over]
Lina: [laughs out loud]
Yuusuke: [grins] This is fun.
Koenma: [chuckles]
Kuwa: I'm having a feeling of deja vu...
Yuusuke: You too? Like, times three...
Zelgadis: What do you mean?
Yuusuke: Well, the same thing Lina's doing to you, I did it to Hiei and Kurama. They in turn did it to me and Koenma.
Lina: [grins] This could be fun. Give me tips?
Yuusuke: [grins back] Well--
Zelgadis: [shrilly] DON'T!
Yuusuke: [laughs]
Lina: Come on, guys, for real!
Yuusuke: Well... Just keep pushing him. He's a really stubborn guy, so it's going to take a while. But if he gets really upset, leave him alone for a little while. Then come back to it later, when he's had time to think about it in private.
Lina: Hmm...
Zelgadis: [hangs his head, muttering to himself]
Koenma: Make sure to do it with Xellos, too.
Lina: Considering how he loves teasing people... [frowns] But, Zel does have a point. We don't know how Xellos feels about him. Xellos doesn't let on to what he's thinking very often.
Zelgadis: He probably thinks my angst is a three course meal. And he'd probably seduce me for the hell of it. But love? Ha! He's a Mazoku!
Hiei: [gasps] 'Swhat people said about me.
Kurama: [same] Me too. We're not leaving each other anytime soon.
Zelgadis: [thoughtful silence]
Yuusuke: [grins]

>What he has for me was devotion; not true, honest-as-the-sky love. He doesn’t deserve that, damnit, neither of us do.

Kuwa: [frowns]
Koenma: Remember, this is just an interpretation. By a *fan*. It's not true.
Kuwa: I know. It's still annoying.
Koenma: [pats]
Hiei: [leans against Kurama's chest]
Kurama: [kisses his Jagan]
Hiei: [purrs]

>And here I am, hiding in the bathroom from my own birthday party. Pathetic. Hiding in here, fingering a razor, and glaring at my own Gods-be-damned red eyes.

Kurama: [tilts Hiei's face up and kisses him quickly at the word "razor" not even finishing the rest of the sentence]
Hiei: [returns the kiss desperately]
Kuwa: [looks around for something to throw at the screen]
Yuusuke: [offers his shoe]
Kuwa: [leans away from the offering] Er. No thanks, Urameshi. I've smelt your feet before.
Yuusuke: [glances at Koenma and blushes] Haha.
Hiei: [pulls away from the kiss and hides his face against Kurama's chest, breathing heavily]
Kurama: [holds him close, panting himself]
Yuusuke: [mouths] Is he okay?
Kurama: [nods, though his eyes give away his worry]
Yuusuke: [winces]

>My mirror-self, in my own twisted imagination, has stopped fingering the razor blade, and is now holding it above her forearm.

Yuusuke: Oh hell.
Lina: Um... What's she going to do?
Zelgadis: [whispers] What I would do if my skin weren't stone and I didn't need a blade as strong as the Sword of Light to do it.
Lina: Irk! [holds hands over her mouth] Sorry!
Hiei: [hands fist in Kurama's shirt]
Kurama: [holds him protectively, running a hand down his back underneath the shirt]
Yuusuke: [winces]

>She smiles, almost lovingly and I think for a second I saw my mother in that smile. Almost loving, almost caring, but not quite.

Yuusuke: Almost psychotic.
Lina: That image is creepier than Phibrizo... Well. Almost. [shifts uncomfortably]
Kurama: [pets Hiei]
Hiei: [silently smoothes out the creases he made in the fox's shirt]
Yuusuke: [notices and relaxes against Koenma]
Koenma: [notices too and smiles softly]

>“It could all be over, you know,” she/me whispers alluringly.

Yuusuke: [Yukina] Just as soon as I kill the author.
Koenma: [softly] Yuu-chan. No author riffs.
Yuusuke: Aww. [mock pouts]
Kuwa: [pouts] I don't think it matters.
Koenma: Well... I try to look at it from their point of view. They were brave enough to post this online for criticism.
Yuusuke: In that case, my riffing is criticism and he shouldn't have put it online if I can't riff it... Or something.
Kuwa: [angrily] I'd say they were dumb enough to post this online for criticism. Or write it in the first place.
Koenma and Yuusuke: [wince]
Kurama: [sighs] Can you guys just get on with it?
Yuusuke: Er. Sorry.

>“Just two slices, trace the vein, it would be over.” Yes, fuck it to hell, I’d researched suicide. I’m weak and I damn well know it.

Yuusuke: [Invader Zim] Weak? Or brave?
Koenma: Yuusuke. That was a bad one.
Yuusuke: Irk. Sorry. Maybe I *am* running dry...
Lina: It's not like we're of much help.
Yuusuke: Well, it took us a while to get used to it too...
Kuwa: Getting used to it isn't a good thing, though.
Yuusuke: [blushes] True.

>“Just two slices, and it would end all your pain,” Mirror-me purrs. I want to laugh, but it would attract attention to those downstairs.

Yuusuke: Well, maniacal laughter is kinda hard to ignore, especially in our line of work.
Kuwa: [nods]
Lina: Oh, you get that too?
Yuusuke: Yeah, all the time.
Koenma: It's... eerie how much our two groups seems to have in common.
Kurama: [sighs in relief as Hiei's breathing becomes slow and even] Very.
Yuusuke: [looks over and grins widely]
Kurama: [smiles thinly]

>What pain? My so-called pain was nothing compared to what Yusuke-san, hell, any of the Tantei had gone through, physically and psychologically. I bet even Botan-chan had gone through more than me.

Yuusuke: Well... Botan may be going a bit far.
Koenma: [frowns slightly] Except when she hid the orb inside her body.
Yuusuke: [winces] Er. Yeah.
Kuwa: [winces too] I still don't get how she hid it...
Koenma: Well... She's not alive in the same way you are. Her physical body is considerably different from a mortal's.
Yuusuke: [relieved] Oh. I was thinking something else...
Koenma: [blanches] Yuu-chan...
Yuusuke: [snickers] Can't help myself.
Kurama: [rolls his eyes] Perpetual pervert.
Lina: [giggles]
Zelgadis: [frowns] You understood all that?
Lina: No, but I got the gist of it.
Yuusuke: [blushes slightly]
Koenma: [shakes his head]
Zelgadis: I still don't get it.
Lina: [sighs] Well, how would a girl get an orb in her body.
Zel: By swallowing it...
Lina: The *other* way.
Zel: [blushes furiously] Oh.
Lina: [laughs--but muffles it into her hand so she doesn't wake Hiei]

>“What about Them despising you?” Mirror-me tries a different tactic, using my earlier, traitorous thoughts against me. “They were family. If family does not love you, who will?” Oh, fuck *that.* Even in my little hole of self-pity, I could see the answer to that question.
>“Genkai-shinai cares for me. The Tantei and Koenma-sama care for me. Botan-chan cares for me.” I answer easily, rolling my eyes.

Yuusuke: Well, even though it's disturbing seeing her argue with herself, at least she's coming up with reasons why it's wrong.
Kurama: [winces] The reasons don't always help when a person's like that...
Yuusuke: [frowns] Oh...
Kurama: [indicates Hiei, biting his lip]
Yuusuke: [winces]
Kuwa: [softly] I'm going to kill whoever's behind this...
Yuusuke: [darkly] They're already dead. They just don't know it yet.
Koenma: [kisses Yuusuke's temple] We'll get to the bottom of it.
Yuusuke: [relaxes against him]
Lina: And remember, we've still got your backs.
Yuusuke: [smiles at her] Thanks.

>“But do any of them love *you?* They care for Yukina-chan, the sweet, innocent, *stupid* facade you insist on putting up. Would any of them care for *you?* This bitter, worn down shell?” The question blind-sides me. Would any of them care for this... tainted... Yukina? One not filled with bright, false smiles, and cheerful, brittle laughter? I knew none of them suspected *I* lurked under their Yukina-chan. I had perfected that mask when I was but a child, and I am older and wiser, and more cunning, than any of them know. Would they care to know that their Yukina-chan was fake, and *I* was real?

Yuusuke: Even if this were true, I don't think she'd be able to fool Genkai. That old hag knows her shit.
Kuwa: [perks] Yeah. Definitely!
Yuusuke: And if Hiei and Kurama have "masks," then wouldn't they be able to recognize other people having them? You know, takes one to know one and all that...
Kurama: [winces]
Yuusuke: Irk. Sorry, man. I didn't mean you...
Koenma: We need to go back to using -clone.
Kuwa: Yeah.

>No. They’d be shocked, horrified. I couldn’t deal with that. Couldn’t deal with that rejection of the few, the only people I’d labeled friends, other than the birds.

Yuusuke: Okay, sure we'd be surprised. But we'd never reject her. The fic is calling us all superficial...
Kurama: [pets Hiei absently] I take offense at that...
Zel: Birds?
Kuwa: [smiles] She likes animals a lot. Especially birds.
Zel: Ahh.

>I could feel the last of my strength and resistance fading. I swear to the Gods, I had the razor on my wrist, when I was saved.

Yuusuke: That's right. You too can find Jesus Christ in the bathroom.
Koenma: [chuckles]
Kuwa: [smirks] Speaking from experience, Urameshi?
Yuusuke: [pauses] Well, it wasn't exactly the *bathroom*...
Kuwa: [stifles a laugh]
Koenma: [blushes brightly]
Kurama: Perv.
Lina: Okay, this one flew over my head.
Yuusuke: Well, Jesus Christ is the son of god in *the* popular religion on our planet. Koenma is the *real* son of god though.
Lina: Oh. Oh! [giggles]

>“Yukina-chan?” Botan called through the bathroom door. I jumped, coming to myself.
>“Yes, Botan-chan?” Whoo! My voice didn’t shake or crack!

Yuusuke: Whoop dee-freaking-doo.
Kuwa: Does this mean it's almost over?
Yuusuke: Dear K-chan, I hope so. [snickers]
Koenma: [still has his face hidden] Yuu-chan...
Yuusuke: Okay, I'll quit.
Koenma: [softly] I hope so, too...
Kurama: Me as well. [eyes on the fire demon in his lap]
Yuusuke: Definitely...
Lina: Erm. Not to be a party-pooper or anything, but even if it does end... how are we getting out of here? The doors are locked.
Yuusuke: [frowns] They should open when the fic ends...

>“Are you feeling well? You’ve been in the bathroom for quite a while...” she sounds so concerned. It’s all I can do not to laugh. Yeah, just fucking *great.*

Yuusuke: Wonderful. Spectacular. Orgasmic.
Koenma: That's not exactly a word I would associate with Yukina...
Yuusuke: [blushes] I was being sarcastic...
Koenma: [kisses him] I know.

>“I’ll be right out, Botan-chan! Genki-desu!” Gods, it’s almost too easy to slip on this mask, no, to *be* this person. I wish she was real. She would’ve been a sweet person...

Kuwa: She *is*.
Yuusuke: Because she is real. Stupid clone.
Lina: All of this "genki" business reminds me of Amelia.
Zelgadis: And Xellos.
Lina: [smirks] How easily you think of him.
Zelgadis: [sighs]
Yuusuke: [snickers] Well, it's only natural.
Lina: Yup. It's cute, really.
Zelgadis: [hides his face]
Kurama: [smiles] They're going to keep teasing you. Your best bet is to accept your feelings so it doesn't get to you.
Zelgadis: [muffled growl] There are *no* feelings.
Lina: Oh, now you're just being stubborn.
Yuusuke: [grins] Liar. You were just pouting a few minutes ago that he might not love you.
Zelgadis: [gawks] I was not *pouting*.
Lina: Suuure.
Yuusuke: [laughs] You *so* were.
Zelgadis: I--you--she! Gah. [hides his face again]
Koenma: [stage whisper] Oh, he's got it bad...
Yuusuke and Lina: [snicker]
Kuwa: Deja vu again...
Kurama: [smiles] Yeah.
Yuusuke: [snorts] This is *normal*.

>I straighten, and for the first time in years, really *look* at my eyes.

Yuusuke: Oh, shit. I just realized I could've made an Eva joke about the red eyes. Ah well.
Kuwa: [lowly] Don't.
Yuusuke: I wasn't.
Koenma: [kisses him, whispers] She does have the hair, though...
Yuusuke: [whispers] Exactly!
Kuwa: [lowly] I heard that...
Yuusuke: Irk. [resists the urge to hide behind Koenma]
Kurama: [softly] You would deserve it, you know.
Yuusuke: [weakly] I said I wasn't going to do it...
Kurama: [still softly] You're luckier Hiei wasn't awake to hear it.
Yuusuke: [sinks into his seat] I know, I know...
Koenma: [rubs his back]
Yuusuke: [moves closer to him]
Koenma: [kisses the back of his neck]

>I have a revelation. I don’t hate red eyes. I hate my own eyes. *My* fucking, too bitter, too wise, too broken, and still too fucking easy to hurt eyes. After all, I think, cleaning my self up, pulling down and straightening my sleeve, your eyes are the window to your soul.

Kurama: [runs a hand through Hiei's hair] I don't think that's a characterization of Yukina...
Yuusuke: [looks at them, biting his lip]
Kurama: [sighs]

>And then I am out the door, laughing and chatting with my friends, idly wondering if I will be cowardly enough to end it tonight. And I smile, knowing myself too well.

Yuusuke: Dun-dun-dunnnnn....
Zelgadis: Is it over *yet*?
Koenma: I think I see endnotes...
Kurama: Thank Inari...

>*****

Yuusuke and Kurama: [sing] Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play...

>Yamiki: Well, that was cheery. If you want to review this effed up piece of shite, our e-mail is [Blanked Out].

Kuwa: Damn it.
Yuusuke: The Meikai are our real targets anyway.
Kuwa: Yeah.
Kurama: [lowly] And they're dead.

>Constructive criticism is a Good Thing. I, for one, think that Hiei will be coming for him, and death will be slow and painful. Probably Kuwabara-kun, too.

Yuusuke: [too cheerily] You're a few short.
Lina: [smirks menacingly] You bet.
Kuwa: [grumbles] He's a few short of a six-pack, too.

>Ryuuko: Gomen-ne, Yukina-chan! *prostrates himself at her feet* I adore you, I really do! This fic was supposed to be about Yu-usagi!
>Yusuke-clone: What?! Why are you always on about torturing *me*?!! Do I have a freaking sign above me that says, “Abuse me, I like it”?!

Yuusuke: Yu-*what*?!
Koenma: [growls] They must die.
Kurama: [slightly amused] Sounds like BDSM.
Yuusuke: A *bunny*? Why a bunny? Do I look like Sailor Moon?!
Hiei: [sleepily] Now that you mention it...
Yuusuke: [gawks]
Hiei: [stretches lazily] Meatball-head.
Yuusuke: Gah!
Kurama: [giggles] That's my Dragon.
Yuusuke: [grumbles to himself]
Koenma: [kisses the back of his neck, licking slightly] I'm on your side.
Yuusuke: [sits up a little straighter] [softly] Let's not forget my other body parts...
Koenma: [blushes lightly] Oh, I'm looking forward to being on those, too.
Yuusuke: [blushes, grins]
Koenma: [very softly] And not necessarily just *on*...
Yuusuke: [blushes more] Mmm... We need to get outta here.
Koenma: [nips the back of his neck lightly]
Yuusuke: [gasps]

>Kurama-clone: *deadpans* One that only authors can read. *more thoughtfully* Actually, I’m more curious as to why he doesn’t mention Hie--her ‘missing’ brother.

Kurama: [kisses Hiei gently] I prefer it that way.

>Ryuuko: Want the Gods’ honest truth?
>Kurama-clone: *smirks* From you?

Yuusuke: You know, this clone kinda acts like the real thing... Only not as clever.
Kuwa: Stupid clones.

>Ryuuko: Bite me.

All: Pass.
Hiei: Tastes like chicken, my ass.
Lina: Mmm, chicken...
Zelgadis: It boggles the mind. You ate half an hour ago!
Lina: Yeah. A whole thirty minutes.
Zelgadis: The way you act, you'd think you were pregnant.
Lina: [blushes furiously] I am not!
Zelgadis: [smirks]
Lina: Jerk.
Zelgadis: Payback.
Yuusuke: Just ignore him, Lina. Hormones.
Zelgadis: Hormones?!
Lina: [smirks] Yeah, you're right.
Hiei: [snickers]

>Anyway... I wasn’t gonna touch THAT angst with a ten-foot pole. I’m a licensed nutball, not suicidal.

Yuusuke: You can get a license for that?
Hiei: [looks slightly ill] Seems they might be one and the same.

>Besides, I don’t want to be castraited *that* painfully by said ‘missing’ brother.

Kurama: [darkly] And his *soul mate*.
Koenma: [mildly] Misspelled castrated.

>*to the real Tantei* Errr... Right. I’m sorry Yukina sounds so wierd, and thanks for reading.

Yuusuke: You *should* be thanking us for having better things to do than hunt you down.
Kurama: [darkly] Like hunt down and destroy the Meikai.
Koenma: Misspelled weird...
Yuusuke: [smiles] Grammar nazi.
Koenma: [bites his neck again]
Yuusuke: [grins, blushing slightly] Sorry. Meant spelling nazi.
Koenma: [smiles, licks the skin]
Yuusuke: [shivers]

>And the opinions anout Kuwa/Yuki are probably not her’s. It’s just my bias against your dub-voice. Anyway. I’m going to wait to be lynched by a mob of Kuwa/Yuki fans. Bu-bye!!

Yuusuke: [jumps off the couch, grinning] Woohoo! Time to kick some Meikai ass.
Kuwa: [cracks his knuckles loudly] I'm ready.

- outside -

They were all rather relieved to find that the door opened when they approached it. Botan was standing behind it, in tears. "I'm so sorry! We could hear you, but we couldn't do anything! I tried really hard. I'm so sorry!"

Yuusuke frowned, glancing back at Hiei, who was leaning very slightly against Kurama. "It's okay. We know it's not your fault. Where are they? We're gonna kick some ass."

Botan shook her head. "We don't know. It was a hack. Someone got into the systems remotely and we couldn't even track it. We don't even know who it was! I'm so sorry!"

"DAMN IT!" Yuusuke and Lina cried in unison.

Koenma marvelled at that for a moment before patting the blue-haired girl's shoulder. "It's alright, Botan. We know you tried your best."

Kurama sighed. "We don't blame you, Botan. You did everything you could, under the circumstances." He turned to Koenma. "Until your father ups his security, we're not going to come for MSTing. We'll do other missions, but none of this." He glanced down at Hiei. "It's not worth it."

Botan's eyes bulged. Koenma nodded soberly. "Yes... And I don't want to put you--any of you--through this again. Not after the satellite... So, there's no help for it." He looked at Yuusuke. "What do you think of us all going on strike until Dad listens to me about this?"

Yuusuke grinned. "No complaints here!"

"We should've done it sooner!" Kuwabara added.

Botan bit her lip worriedly, but held back her concerns. Koenma knew what he was doing. Then her eyes fell on their guests and gasped. "Oh! I nearly forgot!" She pulled a folded note from her kimono. "The girls said I should read this after the mst."

Lina threw her head back and sighed. "We're stuck here, aren't we?"

Botan nodded. "I'm afraid so. 'Sorry, guys. We're a little too busy to come get you right now. But we know that Yuusuke and his friends will take good care of you. Don't blow up anything in the Ningenkai--Koenma's most likely going to be in enough trouble in the next few weeks.'" She frowned. "Do you think they mean the Meikai?"

Yuusuke shook his head. "Doubt it. We won't be in the Meikai, and I don't think they'd be upset about us blowing that up." He sighed. "We need to figure out where you two are going to stay."

Kurama 'hmm'ed thoughtfully. He had the room, but from his lover's posture he knew that tonight would not be good. "Do you think Genkai would mind?"

Yuusuke thought for a moment. "I doubt it. She has the room. She'd probably be pretty amused, if anything, considering..."

"And if there's an, ah, accident," Koenma added, "they'll be well in the country and not attract much attention."

Lina pouted. "I'm not *that* bad!"

"You are," Zelgadis told her. He was also upset about having to stay, but was holding it in rather well, he thought.

Yuusuke grinned. "Well, they'd attract a lot of attention in the city, considering. I mean, well, I don't want to break the Fourth Wall…”

"I think that's only in the theatre," his boyfriend replied. "At least, I hope," he added, a little uncertainly.

Kurama sighed. "We won't be going with you to the temple. I think it's... better for tonight. Too much stress."

Yuusuke nodded right away, his concern for the two older demons showing in his eyes. "We'll take care of it."

Hiei didn't look up. "Just don't... Just warn them, so they don't say anything."

Yuusuke didn't need to ask what he meant. "Sure thing."

Kurama squeezed Hiei's hand and glanced at Botan. "Would you mind making a portal? If you could get it right to our home that would be wonderful."

Botan nodded. "Right away." She walked off, the two demons following her from the building. The remaining group watched them go.

"Are they going to be alright?" Lina asked, her voice softer than usual.

Yuusuke sighed. "Gods, I hope so."

Zel shook his head as they disappeared. "What was it that you need to warn us about?"

"Well, Yukina lives at Genkai's temple, so you'll see her there for sure. But you're not to say anything about Hiei being her brother. She doesn't know. In fact, Hiei's supposed to be *looking* for her brother for her." Yuusuke sighed again.

Zelgadis nodded soberly. "I understand." It wasn't his business to tell the girl anyhow.

"Why doesn't he tell her?" Lina wondered.

Kuwabara shrugged. "That's his business. I don't agree with it, but I'm not gonna meddle."

Yuusuke sighed. "It's not that he doesn't care about her. Hiei... has a lot of issues that he needs to resolve, and that's one of them. It's not our place to force the issue."

Lina nodded. "Well, I have a sister so... I guess I can relate. Somewhat."

"You're afraid of yours," Zelgadis pointed out.

"Well, she's scary!"

Yuusuke grinned. "It's a bit different than that." He sighed. "We just have to wait on him."

- Ningenkai -

They had barely exited the gate when Hiei essentially collapsed against Kurama, depending on the fox to hold him up. Kurama didn't disappoint him, lifting him into his arms and taking him to the couch. "Hiei?" He was truly concerned. They hadn't had to deal with this kind of thing since they had returned from the satellite, and he had been terrified of what might have happened to Hiei had they been forced to stay.

Hiei leaned against his chest, curled between Kurama's legs. He shook his head. "That fic wasn't about Yukina."

Kurama felt his heart breaking, seeing the fire demon like this. He kept his arms tightly around Hiei. "No," he agreed softly, having of course noticed as well. "It wasn't."

Hiei didn't feel the need to state the obvious. "I don't deserve you," he said softly. "I don't... understand how you can love something like me."

The redhead felt his eyes gathering water, but his voice remained steady. "I love you because I see in you as the bravest, most honorable person I know. You are not the monster you think you are." If either of them was, it was he, not Hiei.

Hiei didn't respond for a while. "I'm not so sure sometimes..." he finally said. "Sometimes I want to hurt something for the sake of hurting it. When I look in a mirror... I want to gouge them out sometimes." He sighed tiredly. "I don't understand."

"Sometimes, I am like that as well," Kurama admitted, rubbing the younger demon's back. "But then I remember you, and the others, and it makes me feel stronger."

"You make me stronger," Hiei said softly. "I don't know what I did... to deserve it. The Koorime." He paused. "Sometimes I think the gods are amused by my struggling. Like the gods are fanfiction writers, and I'm their angst bunny." He closed his eyes. "I'm so tired of it."

Kurama closed his eyes and gently squeezed the demon in his arms. "I know." He wished he could tell Hiei that it would all be alright, but he honestly didn't know. He wanted to take his pain from him, but knew that wasn't possible. All he could do was be there for him, but it didn't seem like enough.

Hiei lightly embraced the arm in front of him. He just wanted to sleep for a while like this, safe and loved and protected. His eyelids were heavy. "Can we stay like this for a while?"

"Of course. Anything you want, Dragon." He would wear a pair of boxers on his head to the market if Hiei asked. "I won't go anywhere. Promise."

Hiei squeezed the imp's arm silently and relaxed completely, closing his eyes and letting Kurama's steady, human heartbeat drum him to sleep.

- Wolf Pack Island -

Covered in a shroud of darkness as dim as night--even though it was still daytime--the island was extraordinarily quiet as the wolves went quiet and their pray stopped running. For the time being anyway. The Beastmaster sat back in her throne, frowning at her servant.

She had created Xellos over a thousand years ago during the Demon King’s resurrection and the war against the god Ceiphied and the Ryuzoku. Xellos had been responsible for the deaths of many Golden dragons. She was proud of him.

Mazoku hierarchy worked as thus; when Shabranigdu was split into seven pieces by Ceiphied he created subordinates to leave behind and fight against Ceipheid’s servants, the Ryuzoku (race of dragons). There were five originally. The Beastmaster Xellas Metallium, Chaos Dragon Gaav, Hellmaster Phibrizo, Deep Sea Dolphin and Dynast Grauscherra. Each of them had created servants from their own power--a priest and a general. Xellas deferred from her siblings by creating only one servant, but giving him the strength of both. Xellos was the most powerful of his rank. Not counting the half-breed Valgaav, Gaav’s catamite and a former Ancient Dragon, who had definitely given her priest a run for his money.

Her servant was now prostrated before her, hair falling in his face.

“I am disappointed with you, Xellos,” she began. He flinched ever so slightly. “I would’ve expected you to charge off after them, not waiting to get my permission.”

Xellos looked up uncertainly with a nervous smile. “I admit that I was tempted, Xellas-sama.”

She smirked. “Can you still trace the path the Intruders made?”

Closing his eyes, she watched as Xellos searched his with his truer vision through the Astral Plane. When he looked back at her, he was smirking. “Yes. It’s faded now, but if I go now I can find them.”

Xellas nodded curtly. “Report as soon as you locate them.”

“Of course, Xellas-sama.” Grinning like a Cheshire cat who was going to go surprise Alice, Xellos disappeared from in front of her. Soon she felt him slipping further and further away in the Astral world, gradually losing his presence completely.

TBC.

Endnotes: That little bit about Valgaav? I like him, really! But I was thinking, the Mazoku probably didn’t. Mazoku, most of them anyway, dislike Ryuzoku. Valgaav was still half dragon, and servant to a Mazoku who they were trying to hunt down and kill. So they probably didn’t have a high opinion of him. And I firmly believe that he and Gaav were doing the wild thing.

Beastmaster can also be Greater Beast and Beast King. That’s the fun of Slayers--there are so many different spellings and translations that it’s hard to know what’s what. Yes, I’m being sarcastic.