Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ If Roses Are Dark ❯ When the Leaves (Fall in My Wake) ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.

Part II of the Silver Obsidian series

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When the Leaves (Fall in My Wake)

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~Hiei~

He flew on the night's wind, blurring from tree branch to tree branch so quickly, he wasn't even sure he was moving at all. His thoughts were blurred and unclear, but the call kept ringing in his ears, no matter how fast he ran…

"But…but I love you…"

And he responded.

No, no you don't. You trick yourself, you manipulate so much, so often, you don't even notice when you're doing it anymore, but you do it, do it so often, you may as well be controlling all the events of the world to suit your own selfish needs and wants.

Oh, your wants… You think you want me, you foolish bastard, but you don't know what the fuck you want. You've tricked your own mind, trapped yourself in the corner of a corner, and hell if I'm going to be the one to break you out.

Kurama had lied to him - he had confessed his darkest and most forbidden feelings to the kitsune, and he had been lied to in response. His trust for his friend evaporating more and more each second, he continued running blindly through the trees until he noticed a sparkle of light, just barely peeking over the horizon, signifying daybreak.

Stopping with some effort and nearly tripping over himself due to his speed, Hiei looked around. Unsurprisingly, he had run to Kurama's school, Meiou High or some such thing, where he often waited for the kitsune to be freed from what Kurama claimed to be classes, necessary to his "normal ningen boy" façade. Or so he said. But who knew it that was real?

Who knew if any of it was real?

The kitsune was worried over his safety, but no one was ever worried over his safety. So then, that was a lie, too. That was a lie because no one, in hundreds of years, no one had ever wondered if he was safe, hoped he was doing well, prayed that he would survive to see another day. Now when Kurama claimed to, it had to be a lie. Had to be. No one could care for something Forbidden, especially not someone as beautiful and elegant as Kurama.

Beautiful and elegant…

That was the problem, wasn't it? Kurama was known across all of Makai as the lover Youko, one of the most breath-taking creatures ever to be born, but what may not have been so well known was that he never planned to take a mate. Eager females, and even some males, had flocked to his door, sensuality in full play, coy smiles toying with this perfect creature. He had taken them, of course. He was Youko. That was his game.

But in the end, all was the same.

They were all thrown away. Discarded. Useless.

In the end, it was all Forbidden.

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~Kurama~

Turning and walking towards his home, Kurama gave himself yet another mental slap in the face. He had finally, after all these hundreds and thousands of years, had the opportunity to take a mate he could truly be proud of, rather than one of the hookers who had nasty habits of showing up for one-night stands. And he had told him he didn't want him.

He had thought it was true, of course. Youko lied, and lied often, but not when it would hurt him. Not when it would hurt someone he cared for. Not when it would hurt Hiei.

He had truly thought he didn't want Hiei. He had truly thought the youkai wasn't mate material, so to speak. Hiei was his friend, his best friend, and someone he could live with forever, but the newly acquired ningen side of his personality protested taking Hiei when he wasn't certain he wanted him, and the Youko side wasn't sure Hiei was what he wanted. A burning argument was raging inside of him, and no clear conclusion was evident. Only murky half-truths surfaced and showed their faces, and any that seemed promising enough to pursue proved evanescent, fleeting, too much so for him to grasp.

The trees knelt down beside him worriedly, tickling his senses and brushing his arms.

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~Hiei~

As deeply as he immersed himself in the conviction that Kurama didn't love him, Kurama couldn't love him, Kurama never loved him, a stray thought lingered near the back of his mind and wouldn't leave him be.

But what if he does?

What if he did? Could the youkai be making a terrible mistake, a mistake that would cost him any chances at happiness he may once have had? Assuming he had any chances at happiness to begin with, anyway, was he now giving them up?

No. Leave me be. I don't have time for this.

Don't have time for what, though, was the new question. What if Kurama truly did love him? Then, by turning away this chance, what was he giving up? What didn't he have time for?

A ferocious inner battle raged between conscious thought and unconscious hoping, and it tore at Hiei's mind in a way he had never known.

What if he does love me?

But what if he doesn't?

What if I'm giving up the only chance I've ever had for real happiness?

What if I'm falling into a lover's trap that's been waiting for hundreds of years?

Go back and see him.

Don't let yourself be betrayed.

Find him.

Don't.

You have to.

You can't.

GO.

NO.

Hiei shook his head fiercely, nearly falling from his perch and just barely regaining his balance. Clinging to the branch with one hand, he stood upright and leapt gracefully to the ground.

Who are you to call yourself graceful? snickered that voice again, the one trying to dissuade him from seeing the kitsune. You're nothing, nothing, compared to him.

Who says I'm trying to compare myself to him? Hiei retorted evenly, his thoughts blank and monotonous.

You are; just admit it.

No. No, I'm not. I've never tried to compare myself to him. He's more than I'll ever be, and I have no right.

Worthless bastard.

Yes.

Hiei walked aimlessly away from the direction he had last seen Kurama.

What if he does?

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~Kurama~

Kurama walked in a daze, not seeing where his feet were taking him and trusting instinct to lead him home. He had long since moved into his own apartment, luckily, as he didn't have to worry about prying okaasan and otousan and otouto.

He didn't need that right then.

He didn't think they did, either. They didn't deserve the brunt of his self-hatred. No one did, which left the burden on himself.

But he didn't want that either.

Enough of weakness, he berated himself. Take your responsibility in hand and don't try to shift your problems to someone else.

Of course. He was a thousand years old and more, and he could handle a bit of emotion. He had done it before. He could do it again.

…Right.

Snapping out of his reverie, he noticed his body actively tugging off his tee shirt and tossing it to the laundry, and followed the action by draping himself in a thin silk nightshirt and pants. Slipping between the covers of a Western-style bed, the kind he had grown so used to when living with Shiori, he tried to drop off to sleep, a normally easy task at four in the morning.

…Right.

His thoughts kept pulling him back to Hiei.

Where are you?

Are you all right?

Will you make it to tomorrow?

…Do you know how much I care?

…Do I know how much I care?

…No.

I don't…

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~Hiei~

Unbidden, he found himself at Kurama's doorstep.

How the hell did I get HERE, of all places?

I don't want to see him; it's impossible.

Why am I here, of all places?

What the hell is doing this to me?

Subconscious…

Hiei wanted to see Kurama? He couldn't possibly. It was so wrong. He couldn't.

And yet, at the same time, he so did, and it felt so right…

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Okaasan: mother

Otousan: father

Otouto: little brother