Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ If Roses Are Fair ❯ Keep Me Sane (Please Save My Life) ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.

~Kurama~

It will be alright.

Kurama walked rather briskly towards his home, considering the rain and not wanting his rather light outfit to be too drenched. Hiei skulked along behind him, which was rather odd for both, as Hiei always kept perfect pace with his friend when the two walked together. Kurama valiantly ignored the oddity, in view of the circumstances.

Noticing the park had rapidly emptied out as mothers noticed the clouds looming overhead and older children wanted to be home before the rain began, Kurama wished, for what must have the been third time on that walk alone, that the weather could be better and still, the park would be empty of ningen bystanders. Not that he didn't like children, but the young ones seemed to enjoy playing in and thereby wrecking the wildlife, and the older ones enjoyed picking the flowers and playing Frisbee near the greenery, trampling it in their frantic attempts to catch the flying disks. As if to consol him, the friendly plants curved over towards Kurama, gently offering what little comfort they could. A young sapling knelt over to tickle his cheek playfully.

Hiei, on the contrary, was prowling through the trees secretively, as was his way. Ducking from tree to tree, he stood beside and behind them, being careful to go against his natural instincts to leap through their branches and shorten the trip to Kurama's home. The ground provided less cover, but in the murky weather and accounting for the lack of youkai in Ningenkai, it would suffice. He couldn't understand why none of the ningen had stayed, despite the rain - it deterred battle and clouded one's vision, true, but ningen were not known for battling or their warrior ways. He had never been too caring of the rain, as it naturally combated his fiery nature, but most other youkai he knew were rather fond of it when they weren't engaged in battle.

The walk passed easily enough, both youkai and youko stubbornly ignoring the Talk that was begging to be had. Kurama was still unused to caring for someone in response to their caring for him. Normally, the easily handled unrequited romances were one-night stands he never thought of again. Hiei was simply unused to loving and being loved.

As a friend.

Of course.

They reached the house in minutes, though neither was really sure how long it had been. Kurama thought hours. Hiei thought more.

Thankful that he was no longer living in a house with Shiori and wouldn't have to worry about her interruptions, Kurama stepped through the doorway, leaving Hiei to take his normal route through Kurama's bedroom window. Toeing his shoes off in the front hall, he dropped his paper-thin jacket on a coat hanger a slid it into the front hall closet, purposefully taking his time before ascending the stairs. As he took the steps one at a time, he shook his mane out, flinging droplets of water over the hardwood.

Reaching his room, he found Hiei sitting lazily on the windowsill, looking out the window. Rain pelted down in large drops on the window.

* * * * *

~Hiei~

Rain…

Assuming Kurama thought he was watching the rain, as he sometimes did, Hiei refocused his gaze on his reflection. How he could have thought someone as beautiful and perfect as Kurama could ever love someone as imperfect and forbidden as himself, he didn't know. He supposed he had just been drowning himself in false hopes, praying that perhaps, just maybe, someone, anyone, could actually love him.

Why he had chosen Kurama, though, he didn't know. The ningen-heart was perfect in every way and could choose any mate he wanted. Or didn't want, as the case appeared to be.

There was that assumption again; that one could choose whom or whom not to love. It was an unsettling one, somehow, that Hiei could have chosen who would be the object of his desires, and subconsciously chosen Kurama, feeding off his desires for the kitsune and invisible fantasies of a life with love until it was too late to go back. Yukina loved him, he knew, but it wasn't the same. Kurama had even explained to him how the two were different loves, and still he drew the comparison.

"Hiei?"

"Hm?"

Turning his head just slightly, Hiei let the kitsune know he was listening, keeping his eyes on the rain now rather than his reflection. He didn't want to see himself anymore. He didn't want Kurama to see him anymore. He was Dark. He was Sorrow. He was Forbidden. He was Wicked, and the kitsune did not deserve that. The kitsune deserved something much more than he could give. The kitsune deserved to be loved by someone he could love in return.

"Uhm…Hiei…?"

"Yes?" he asked distractedly, apparently having missed Kurama's question.

"You'll be spending the night?"

"Of course," he answered, noticing all too late his unintentionally frosty tone. "Don't worry," he amended, trying to gloss over it, "I'll be gone before your 'kaasan returns."

"I know you will," Kurama replied, in perhaps a slightly too-friendly manner. Hiei always associated "Kurama's house" with "that ningen woman," and didn't know they no longer lived together. No sense in vanquishing that misconception, though - perhaps expanding on it would allow some further insight, or at least show Hiei how much Kurama valued his efforts. "I really appreciate your doing that. Leaving the house before anyone comes home, I mean."

"Questions can be hazardous," Hiei said vaguely. Kurama nodded.

"So, Hiei," Kurama began again, trying valiantly to cover the awkward silence. "What have you been doing in Makai these past few weeks?"

Ignoring the fact that Kurama had asked the same question in the park, Hiei answered with slightly more detail. "Training - in the forests, on my own. Swordsmanship mainly, and Kokuryuuha once or twice. Practicing Rengokushou, when there was nothing else to do. Stealing to keep myself entertained - I got a few rather nice pieces from a mansion of some sort. Murdering other youkai. Anyone who stood in my way."

Kurama nodded again at the last item on Hiei's list, smiling slightly and indirectly recalling his days as Youko.

* * * * *

~Kurama~

It will; I will be sure of that.

Taking a deep breath, he contemplated the current…situation, for lack of a better term.

The basics were simple. The basics were straightforward. Hiei loved him. Hiei was his best friend. He did not love Hiei as more than a best friend.

But then the basics became complicated, and suddenly nothing was simple anymore.

He wanted to keep Hiei as his best friend; he wanted that more than anything. Hiei let him be himself in every sense of the words. But how often did relationships of a sexual or romantic nature work out so perfectly? How often could they be captured and tamed, kept in a silver lacquered box on a shelf? How often could that pretty little box be opened again when the relationship was over, but the sex and the romance re-captured, re-tamed, re-toned to nothing more than close friendship, and kept in a different silver lacquered box on a different shelf? If Ningenkai had taught him nothing more about romance, it was that such things never happened, and when they did, it meant terrible, terrible secrets were being kept on either side and the idealistic fairy-tale friendship would not last.

He had no "different shelf." He had no "different silver lacquered box." He had only Hiei and his heart, and the two were divided, and would not be brought together. They were not two puzzle pieces to fit together neatly. They were mismatched badly. One was smooth and bittersweet, while the other was jagged and dark.

"Hiei?"

"Hn."

"Hiei, onegai…"

"Aa, nani?"

Kurama smiled, just slightly. Hiei had turned around and was now perched precariously in a manner which would never support an even fractionally less balanced creature.

* * * * *

~Hiei~

"Hiei, would you do something…for me?"

Instantly, images upon images of sexual favors swarmed Hiei's mind before he shook them off, reminded himself that Kurama wasn't Youko anymore, and the favor had to be much more mundane. Giving himself a sharp mental shake, he focused his gaze on the kitsune's eyes and nodded solemnly.

"Would you just go sit on my bed?" he asked tentatively, his voice soft and almost frightened. "Please?"

Starting slightly, Hiei gave himself another mental shake and, rather than respond to the question, moved off of the windowsill to the mattress, perching on the edge, legs dangling slightly over the side. Kurama sighed softly.

"Come on, Hiei, you can be a bit more comfortable than that," he berated teasingly. Hiei looked at him.

Nodding, the youkai crawled back to the fluffy rose-scented pillows, leaning back against the headboard and pulling his knees up to his chest, looking for all the worlds like a frightened child.

Why had Kurama asked him to sit on the bed, posing the question as a favor to him?

Breathing deeply to calm his shattered nerves, Hiei tried valiantly to disregard the powerful aroma of roses and thereby disregard his powerful feelings for the kitsune. But neither were to be ignored, and neither were to be pushed aside so easily. The Talk loomed closer every second, but the Talk was one thing Hiei could ignore for the time being, and so he did.

Perhaps the smell of roses was rather nice… It filled the room and registered pleasantly on his senses, and immersing himself in the sensation, he forgot about Kurama.

Kurama looked over with a fond smile as his friend closed his eyes and breathed.

* * * * *

~Kurama~

Hiei had to be ignoring him; it made sense, and would be a distraction from the feelings he was so unused to. Kurama didn't mind. Or, if he did, he told himself that he didn't, and that made it not so bad.

His heart tearing slightly, he thought about Hiei.

The fire demon had never, from what he had gathered, been involved in a romantic relationship before. And if he had, it had not involved much, or any, actual love. Having never been involved in a romantic relationship, he had never experienced the pain of unrequited love, or being left by someone he loved.

Hina and Yukina don't count, he reasoned. That's completely different.

He would be the fire youkai's first "crush," as well as the fire youkai's first "letdown." But the question arose of whether or not he could stand putting his already tormented friend through the pain of such a loss. But, if he didn't, he would be giving Hiei a blank relationship of hollowed feelings, completely fake on his part, fooling Hiei into believing. He couldn't do that.

Hiei would be hurt, no matter what direction he took their relationship. No one had ever put him through these kinds of choices in the past, but then, he had never cared so much for the other's feelings. Hiei had changed him so much…

The things you do to me…

Hiei…

* * * * *

Note: Thanks to Queen of Roses for pointing this out to me. Wow, I feel stupid…but never mind that. This chapter was slightly rewritten to accommodate what she reminded me of, that Shiori isn't living with Kurama and so there's no reason for them to worry she would come home and interrupt them.