Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Intangible ❯ A Miraculous Breakthrough ( Chapter 12 )

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.Twelve.

I didn't kill Hiei. To be quite honest I didn't know how that happened since it seemed like a pretty inevitably fate. All I could recall was a blur of colors and then darkness as I fired my shot. When I woke up, I was in a strange and unfamiliar room. My head pounded painfully and for the moment, the voice was quiet. I was left entirely on my own it seemed. And that hurt me more than anything else.

I had been in that room for several hours, lying on the single mattress and staring at the black ceiling before someone finally came. I remember the door opening slowly and a sudden light making me squint my eyes. Then several moments passed and I finally realized who it was. Koenma.

"Yusuke. I gather you're feeling better?"

For some strange reason his voice sounded distant and I couldn't help but tilt my head to the side wonderingly. His words didn't even strike me until the last second where I merely nodded in response. I then stood up staggeringly.

"Is Hiei dead?"

The blandness of my tone surprised Koenma. His eyes widened for a brief second before he returned back to his usual, cool self. "Fortunately, Kurama was able to divert the attack at the last second," he replied.

My mind registered this new information. "So that was what I saw before I was knocked out," I mused aloud.

Koenma stared at me hard. "You're in the Reikai right now, Yusuke. You've been here for two days," he said calmly.

"Two days?" I repeated, mildly surprised at the amount of time that had passed since I was knocked out. What exactly had Kurama done to me?

Welcome back to the land of the living, Yusuke. Or rather, the land of the dead in this case.

I tilted my head upwards in acknowledgment. "Where were you?" I murmured to myself. I had felt lonely-abandoned. I hated that feeling. It was usually not a concern with me since I naturally attracted people, but every once in a while it came.

"Yusuke, I know you can hear me somewhere. Please listen to me. You're being held under control. You need to fight it," came Koenma's voice, urgent and pleading.

I looked at Koenma with some amusement. "This is the first time I've seen you this desperate," I remarked dryly. "And I am listening, but I don't understand what you're saying. How am I being held under control?"

The death god looked utterly torn. I watched him carefully, a slow smile spreading across my face. It was strange to be able to watch everyone that was so close to me like this-without a care. I didn't feel any need whatsoever to give Koenma any comforting words or even a rude insult as I normally would have. No, it was fun to cause that despair. They thought I was being controlled by someone? No, I already was being controlled. I guess they never thought to assume that I had made that choice freely. After all, I was Urameshi Yusuke, the greatest daredevil in existence and crazy to the core.

"If you don't come to your senses, we'll have to leave you here," stated Koenma, his tone now devoid of any emotion. The expression on his face was just as unreadable.

I grinned at him. "Who'll take over my duties?" I asked, feigning innocence. I almost laughed when I saw Koenma flinch slightly. Was I that hard to take in? And I always thought Koenma thought me by myself was annoying. It seemed like he disliked this version of me even more.

"We have backup."

"You mean Kurama, Hiei, and Kuwabara."

Koenma frowned slightly at me and I sat back on the bed, eyeing him carefully. "You can't  me keep here forever, right?" I asked.

"Not forever. But a long time can be a long time if you don't cooperate."

I liked Koenma's answer. He was back to spouting out his witty remarks. It made it much more interesting to talk with him. I crossed my arms and arched an eyebrow. "Aren't I cooperating now, though? In fact, I'd say I'm behaving better than I usually do," I retorted smartly.

Koenma wasn't the only one who knew how to debate. The only reason why I usually lost arguments was because I tended to lose my cool. But when I really want to make a point across without resorting to violence, you sure as hell can bet I'll be able to do it well. It was all a matter of how much the argument meant to me. And I wasn't going to lose this one.

"You're giving up one everyone-why?"

His question caught me off guard. And I found myself stumbling through the corners of my mind for an answer in confusion.

Don't lose it now, Urameshi. I won't let you.

And I found it. "Because life would be so much better this way-for you and for me. Right, Koenma?" I replied tonelessly. Whatever humor I found in the situation before was now drained and down the toilet.

Koenma's eyes flashed. "You think this is benefiting us?" he asked softly.

"It's not? Urameshi Yusuke was hardheaded, rash, and completely incompetent. He hurt a lot of people as well as himself. Burying him is the best solution," I answered.

"That-"

"Yusuke!"

I blinked and looked behind Koenma's form where Kuwabara was standing at the door, his fists raised and face reddening with rage. I smiled emptily at him and raised a hand in greeting. "Kuwabara, so nice of you to drop by," I remarked brightly. Then before I could even register his movement, Kuwabara had me up by the neck. I stared at him with a small smile. "Something wrong, pal?"

"Dammit, Urameshi, get yourself together! This isn't you at all! If you hide behind your problems and let it all take over then you're even more of a coward than I originally thought!" he shouted, glaring at me harshly.

"Very eloquently put, Kuwabara," quipped someone else.

"It seems like you're learning," said another.

I tilted my head to the side and saw Kurama and Hiei enter the room beside Koenma, who still held a critical gaze over me. "Hey, it's a party," I remarked without any conviction.

Kuwabara's grip on me tightened and I found myself pushed up completely against the wall. This time I finally looked at Kuwabara seriously and placed my hands on his wrists, prying him off me with barely even a shove. I glared darkly at him. "Sometimes you annoy me," I said placidly.

"Yusuke."

I turned to face Kurama coldly, my eyes narrowing at him. Why won't they leave me alone? They can't see it's better this way? I won't hurt anyone… I won't hurt anymore.

They just want you to suffer, detective.

I began to slowly accept the words until I caught hold of Kurama's gaze. For once his eyes weren't concealed-I could see every emotion running through them as plain as day. And I was taken away by them. Pain, sadness, frustration, regret, hope-all rolled into one and aimed directly at me. Kurama's eyes were already beautiful when I couldn't read them. Now that I finally could, the sight was more than I could bear. I blinked and looked away much to the dismay of the presence in my head.

Don't be taken hostage by his tricks, detective! You know as well as anyone that he is a master of emotions.

Yet I felt no hostility in that gaze of his. I frowned to myself and massaged my temples. I was starting to get one grand migraine.

"Don't run away from us anymore," remarked Kurama quietly.

I didn't look at him for I knew if did, it would be my ultimate downfall. Why couldn't they understand? I tightened my fists in aggravation. Did they want to be hurt? Well, maybe they did but I didn't. And I didn't want to feel the guilt of having to cause the pain of those around me. I wanted it to disappear. I didn't need to be close to them. This was what caused us so much pain the first place. And Kurama… I caused him the most pain yet he still wanted me to come back? I felt no amusement in this-no satisfaction at all.

"I think you're getting to him, Kurama," I heard Koenma murmur.

My gaze shot upwards at him hostilely. "Leave me alone," I said in a low tone, one that promised violence if they didn't comply.

They looked at me. I could feel of their eyes on me. I shuddered inwardly and silently wished for them to all vanish from this world altogether. I needed my solitude-my only companion besides the one in my mind. I had craved for attention before but now it was too much. Now I risked breaking whatever shield I had up to the raging emotions these friendsrepresented. I needed to get away from them and recover. I couldn't let this cycle repeat again. I knew it all too well already. Accepting my emotions, forgiving and forgetting, and hurting everyone all over again. It was such a vicious way of living and I had nothing left in me to strive to remain strong.

"Never."

And suddenly I found myself face to face with Kurama-the bane to my resolution. I risked looking at him for a moment and found that emerald gaze boring down into me until I could no longer take it. I pushed away from him, but he held my arms firmly. Something in me finally snapped.

You're really going to let this continue on like this, detective?

I shook my head and finally gathered my strength and wrenched myself away from Kurama, glaring at him dangerously. Only one emotion was present in my mind-anger. I tightened my fists. "Do you really want to get into a fight with me?" I queried, my tone betraying the underlying rage in me. Enough was enough. I couldn't let them break past my already fragile shield. This reaction was a last ditch effort to preserve what little I had. It was the instinct to survive. Anyone who threatened me would be killed.

And for the briefest of seconds, I couldn't help but wonder if this was actually me talking or someone else.

"Urameshi!"

"Didn't we do this before?"

"Yusuke, please."

"Urameshi Yusuke really will die if you continue on with this pattern. Do you want that to happen? What about your mother? What about your friends? Would this not be unfair to them?"

Urameshi! Don't give in now! Ignore them!

Their voices and words all meshed together sloppily in my skull-along with the screaming presence already there. It was at the point where I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. Was I even still a separate entity from the one in control? I thought we had already joined to become one. Why then was everyone else affecting me like this? Why was I feeling pain? Why couldn't I make up my own mind? I felt and saw the scene before me swirl crazily and collapsed onto the ground gracelessly, staring at everyone in shock. Pain? Right, like I could ever avoid that feeling. Was this what I truly wanted? It felt like I was slowly waking from a dream, but I still clung onto those fragments tightly, trying to avoid facing reality. They were all still screaming at me. It became one terrifying force-one that overwhelmed me completely.

"Stop it. Stop it!"

Even my voice was failing. Instead of a scream my words came out like a normal shout. I was still swimming in confusion.

Urameshi! Don't let simple words take you back! You don't want to feel pain anymore, right? Why are you journeying backwards then?

"Pain? I can't stop it. It's everywhere. No one can stop it. This world and everyone in it is full of it. I can't even protect those around me from it," I murmured to myself. I was slouched against the bed. Someone was close to me, holding me tightly. Later I found out it was Kurama. But during that moment, all I could do was lean towards that warmth, trying to seek some kind of support.

You will hurt everyone again. You will feel the same guilt again. Are you ready to face that so soon?

Realization hit me like a tidal wave. And suddenly, I was able to view everything in full light-without the voice's influence affecting it. "Nobody is perfect-and sometimes making mistakes is the best thing anyone can do," I said.

FOOL!

I cringed as the throbbing in my head increased tenfold and Kurama's grip on me tightened. What was going on during that moment is hard to describe since I was sort of in a state of turmoil. All I could feel was pain exploding violently in my head, and the voice screaming obscenities at me. Now I can't even recall what those words were. Kuwabara later told me that I looked like I was having a seizure and that I was talking to myself like a lunatic. That part I believed wholly. And I probably remained that way for a while until the pain suddenly subsided-along with everything else. Just as the screaming had reached a culminating point, I lost all consciousness.

I was then again later told by Kuwabara that I looked like I had died for good.

It's still not apparent to me whether I actually had or not since he decided not clarify his point, but I knew judging by everyone's looks thrown at me the next few days that I probably had-even if for just a few minutes. There was one consolation to this, though. The voice had died as well. Thus, this was yet another incident that was marked my the miraculous comeback of Urameshi Yusuke at the last second. I found the entire thing humorous after it all ended. Everyone else didn't. But then again not everyone shared the same weird, morbid sense of humor I had. On the other hand, though, I wasn't the one watching a close friend begin his descent into oblivion. I suppose I deserved the scathing and condescending remarks made by Hiei and the punches thrown by Keiko and the self-satisfying jokes made by Koenma and Kuwabara.

What I hadn't expected, however, was the grave and serious tone Kurama took on when he was with me. And for a good while, I seriously began to think about breaking off my agreement with him to be his "boyfriend"-especially since it seemed he and Hiei had grown closer through the whole ordeal where I went psycho. Koenma went on with a more detailed explanation that the voice was "an effect to the psychic's control over me during the mission." He explained it all before but I simply didn't listen. Hell, all I cared about was that I had gone on a near killing spree of all my friends. This was unforgivable in my eyes. But Kurama's attitude after the incident confused me. He appeared cautious-almost like he was afraid of me-though I knew that couldn't be possible. I also spotted him with Hiei a lot during my "recuperation" period. This was probably why I decided one day, while he was visiting, to "break up." His mission seemed to be dubbed as a success in my head so there was no need for me anymore, right? It saddened me and made me even more depressed than ever but I finally made up my mind.

I remember feeling pretty confident about my decision. That was until Kurama came into my house and greeted me with his oh-so charming smile. Whatever face I had then dissolved pretty quickly. It was damn frustrating and it took me a good half hour to regain my will.

But since when was I ever sure about anything superficial?

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TBC

Happy Holidays to everyone! May you have a safe and wonderful time!

Blah, I can't believe 2005 is approaching. What happened to 2004? Time, slow down a bit will you?

And, uh, this part didn't come out quite as I planned but I suppose it works. The ending seems like a teaser, though, right? ^_^