My Heartbreak
by Midori Bond
I am a fool.
I should have never said anything to him. Then maybe my heart wouldn't feel like broken glass. Or maybe it would, I don't know anymore. It appears that love is a double-edged sword.
And unfortunately, it is a sword I am becoming intimately acquainted with.
Emerald colored eyes saddened as he looked around his room. This was were it happened. He offered his heart, only to have it ripped away. "I was a fool to think he would stay," he thought sitting on his bed again.
As he was about to lie down, a dark shadow crossed his window. He knew who it was. That was how Hiei always came to him. Kurama walked over to the glass parted them, and lifted it. "Hiei," he said simply. His heart was too terrified to burst with joy. The last time they spoke, the fire demon had effectively broken his heart.
The smaller demon climbed into the room silently. It was strange to him, really. After he left Kurama, he'd gone back to the Makai. His mind was in constant conflict as he remembered the kitsune's declaration. He didn't know if Kurama actually meant what he had said, or if the fox-spirit was simply playing games. "Fox," Hiei said to acknowledge Kurama's greeting.
Kurama gazed into ruby eyes. The rumble of Hiei's voice was nearly too much for him. "What brings you here?" he asked in a whisper.
"You," the fire demon said simply.
Green eyes widened. "Me?" he echoed. His eyes tracked every move Hiei made. He couldn't understand why Hiei would come to him. Especially after what transpired between them. "Why?"
Hiei looked into Kurama's eyes neutrally. "I'm a fire demon," he said lowly. As Kurama nodded in confusion, his assessment continued. "My own mother stood by as I was cast out of her society."
"I am aware of that," Kurama said quietly.
Hard ruby eyes turned on soft viridian. "Yet you can stand there and confess your love for me?" he asked in a growl. When Kurama continued to simply gaze at him, Hiei nearly lost his temper. "How?" he shouted. "How can you say you love someone that isn't capable of love?"
Kurama shrugged his shoulders. "It's simply the way the fates decided to do things."
Hiei shook his head. "But I don't love you," he said desperately. When he saw Kurama's eyes widen, he felt his own heart being ripped from his chest. He kept his eyes focused on Kurama. He had to put this distance between them. Kurama made him weak, and weakness was something neither of them could afford.
"I have already received that impression Hiei," Kurama said as he tried to hide the hurt in his voice. Silently, Kurama cursed his own voice for betraying him. "But thank you for letting me know. I wouldn't want to make a fool out of myself again."
The fire demon watched Kurama as the redhead turned his back on him. It was starting to eat away at him. The knowledge of how much pain he had caused the one he trusted most&ldots; the one he cared for most. Hiei stood frozen as he watched Kurama walk over to the window.
Kurama took a deep breath before looking at Hiei with glassy eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me, I would rather wallow in my self pity alone," he said softly.
Ruby eyes darted away from emerald for a moment. "Why can't I look at him?" Hiei asked himself. His gaze traveled across the room, taking in the same sights he had dozens of times before. "Why does his bitterness and pain make my own chest hurt?"
"Hiei," Kurama said, barely able to keep the tears out of his voice. "Would you please leave," he requested. This entire visit with Hiei had been painful. When the dark haired demon left after his first declaration of love, Kurama felt his heart break. But now, with Hiei here saying he didn't love him, Kurama felt his world being ripped away.
Without a word, Hiei walked over to Kurama and started into face. "I don't love him." Even as his mind told him to leave, Hiei's body stayed in front of Kurama. His ruby eyes widened when he saw a single tear fall from Kurama's eyes. "You're crying," he whispered.
Kurama stepped away from Hiei and roughly wiped his face. "Yes, it appears that I am," he said bitterly. "I am human, partially at least. And I have emotions. From time to time I feel the need to express them. Now, I know you hate weaknesses, please leave before I accidentally display any more."
Hiei held still. Kurama was crying, and throwing him out. Two things the little fire demon would never have thought Kurama was capable of doing. Hiei found himself wanting to stay. The kitsune was his reason for returning.
"Hiei," Kurama sighed.
"You make me weak," Hiei said in a whisper. The pain in his chest was becoming too much, even for him. "You make me hurt. You make it so I don't want to leave."
Emerald eyes went wide after the first reluctant whisper. A soft, hesitant smile crossed Kurama's face as he stepped closer to Hiei. He knew what the Koorime was admitting, even if he didn't.
"If this is what love entails, I will not be any part of it," Hiei hissed. His eyes widened when Kurama gently caressed his face. "What&ldots;."
"Love isn't always pain," Kurama whispered. Before Hiei could say or do anything, Kurama covered his lips with his own. Kurama knew he would have to show Hiei how love could bring as much happiness as pain.
Hiei closed his eyes tightly as he felt Kurama's gentle hands caressing him. "I don't want this weakness," he chanted in his mind. A frown crossed his face when Kurama's tongue shyly caressed his. "I am a warrior! I do not need nor want this weakness!" Hiei's hands slowly reached out and buried themselves in soft thick locks of red hair. He couldn't understand why his body was giving into everything Kurama was doing; especially when his mind was telling him to do the exact opposite.
Kurama slowly broke the kiss and ran his fingers across Hiei's cheek. "Love can bring you happiness. Not only physical release, but it also brings a joy to your soul that I can't even begin to describe." He saw ruby eyes turn to the floor in confusion, and started to kiss the pale neck in front of him. "Let me become the other part of your soul, Hiei," he breathed.
Ruby eyes drifted shut. He didn't know exactly what to do. On one hand, he wanted the warmth Kurama was giving him; but on the other, he didn't want the weakness the youko made him feel. Slowly, Hiei started to shake his head. "I don't need you," he whispered. But even as he said it, he pulled the fox-spirit closer.
"There's no harm in admitting weakness," Kurama whispered into Hiei's ear. Emerald eyes went round when he heard a low growl and found himself roughly slammed against the wall.
"I am not weak," Hiei growled staring into Kurama's eyes. He felt all of his inner confusion slip away as he felt a gentle hand in his hair. Without a word, Hiei crushed Kurama's lips under his own.
Kurama ran his hands along Hiei's shoulders. He could the fire demon's hands pulling at the shirt he wore. Just as he was about to push away from the wall, he heard a low warning growl, then his shirt being ripped open. He understood what Hiei was doing. The smaller demon was trying to prove that he wasn't weak.
But Hiei didn't understand that he didn't have to prove it to the redhead in his arms.
So the fox-spirit let him pull him into his arms, and carry him to the bed. This was Hiei's dance, and he had to lead. If Kurama wanted any part of the Koorime, he would have to give into him.
Hiei is gone again. He made his exit some time while I was asleep. Not that I'm surprised. He can't face what is between us. His telling me he didn't love me was proof of that.
But even as he told me he couldn't love, his hands told a different story. His kisses also changed from brutal to tender. So even if he says he doesn't love me, I know he's lying. He's using his most precious defense, his anger, as a way of keeping me away.
Sometimes I wonder what he would say if he knew that was one of the main things I love about him. It was his 'why should I care' attitude that caught my attention at first. He lived in a way I used to, in a way, still longed to. He was free, with nothing to hold him back, nothing to chain him to anything.
I got to know him better than either of us intended when we were first put on parole. We had to help Yusuke and Kuwabara fight against the Saint Beasts. He stayed by my side after my fight with Genbu. He helped me with my injuries, even after he himself was hurt by Seiryu.
I think that was when I fell in love with him.
And after all of this time, he's still exactly the same. The lone fire demon that tries to distance himself from everything and everyone.
Wait, that is a mistake. He has changed over time. He is willing to consider the others friends. He's willing to open himself up to loving me&ldots; even if he doesn't realize it yet.
That is the entire problem though. I know I shouldn't expect profound confessions of love, but I can't help but yearn for them. I know that, for now, I will have to let him play his games. I will have to see how many times he will come to me after this. I have to see how many times he can kiss me the way he does, or even make love to me the way he does, and still say he doesn't love me.
It's frustrating, knowing what dance is ahead of us. It won't be easy. I already know there are going to be at least a dozen different times where it will feel like it's too much and I won't be able to continue. But I have to.
I love him too much to let him go. Besides, I've already chosen Hiei as my mate. And foxes, even those of the demon variety, mate for life.
FIN...
