Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Nymphetamine ❯ I Cant Help Myself ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Nope, I do not own them. This is an alternate Universe fic. And possibly a Crossover! And be for warned that there are a lot of my characters in this story. Also, there is a lot of sadness and rape and torture mixed with HINTS of love! Enjoy!

Begin Chapter Two Warning: I Can't Help Myself…

I'm sober now for three whole months one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I'll never touch again.-Sunari

I remember. I mounted her there, on this tree so very long ago. She was always so full of life, always taking risks that were so unnecessary. The attention craver, the go-getter. She was just so much better then I was. There was nothing that I could do about it. It always seemed to me that she was un-phased by much in life. Even her stupid self-centered, can't be called boyfriend, never took much time in the day to tell her how he really felt. I smiled, placing my hand on the tree. It was so alive with the presence that I longed for.

There was an endless aching within my soul. This burning in my heart that could never be put out but always made bigger. It was stupid I know. How I missed her. Of all the places I chose to move back to, it was the one that brought me the most pain. I guess in a sick way, I was torturing myself. How typical of me… I sighed inwardly, placing my forehead against the tree in dire anguish. To hear her voice one last time would make my heart happy.

Somehow, it would give me wings to fly. I was so tired of falling.

“You know it would be nice to tell an old woman like me when it is that you have so graciously decided to drop by and disturb my peace.” The voice behind me neither startled me or caused me to move from my current position. “I would like it a lot more of you would talk to me instead of that tree.”

I smiled, forcing the tears that threatened to flood my heart back. Crying…was not something I enjoyed. Finally, turning around, I placed a smile on my face. The woman crossed her hands over her chest in an almost callous manor.

“I have half a mind to kick your ass Sinner and half to love you. You've been gone for so long that I have already lost count of the good ol' days so to speak.” My eyes took up a partial stance, taking the coward way out. I looked away from the woman that I loved so dearly and stared at the ground instead. “However, I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't happy to see you.”

I took in an unsteady breath. Her voice had gotten older, much like her public personae. She had grown tired, and seemingly…cold. However, the warmth of her body remained the same and even as I wrapped my arms around her still form I found comfort in the silence.

“This is not how Kagome would have wanted it Sunari. When you left I'm sure that even though she had already taken flight, her heart still mourned you.” Her arms tightened around my body and I let the tears fall upon her shirt. “It was selfish of you to do so Sunari.”

I buried my face within her chest, still holding onto her body. I couldn't remember when I finally let go to the things that I could not change. In a sick way, it felt good. “I'm sorry.” Why did I say that? Was I really to blame for this sadness? Was it really that selfish? No, I was apologizing for a completely different reason and it was eating away at me.

“You're hurting yourself Sunari. There is no need to apologize for what has happened so many years ago. Kagome would have been worse off if it had been anyone but you.”

I couldn't help but laugh weakly at that remark. How callous it was from someone who had meant it to be so kind. “I don't even know how you can say such a thing. I hate your daughter. I don't even know why I am here. How could she choose me of all people?!” I was squeezing her arms painfully without a care in the world but still, she did not release me. “I wasn't strong enough. How could she expect me to take her life! How could she be so selfish!?”

The bloody tears running down my face continued to do so at an untimely rate. I was sobbing uncontrollably, realizing that I could now be named `A pathetic excuse for a demon'. Then I stopped crying…and began to laugh. Feeling the woman's tears upon my hair was not at all comforting and yet I enjoyed it. I really was a monster. I did deserve to die and yet was to cowardly to do so.

There are some things that are perhaps better left unsaid. Yes, that sounded like a reasonable excuse to me.

Yes, let's blame my weakness on everything else.

Why?

I just can't help myself…

Love, is the sweetest form of suicide…-Sunari

I twirled my finger around in the hot tea before me. I wasn't really in the mood to drink it but having it around was somewhat comforting. My eyes were still red and swollen from my earlier decent upon myself. How foolish I felt, sitting here with only my anguish to keep me company. This restaurant always had the best food, I remember. It was the only place that I actually enjoyed being at. Kagome…once upon a time, used to love it too.

Taking my finger from the steaming beverage I placed the tip of it to the table. I had no idea what I was writing until the words had somehow been finished and I had “woken” up. It was dangerous to be this zoned. Wiping away her name, I sighed heavily. I had suddenly lost my appetite.

“You shouldn't be so melodramatic. It can't be good for your health.”

I smiled softly at the sound of his voice. It had indeed been so long since I had heard it before. I suppose, like all things he had finally grown up. That was a feat that even I thought impossible for him. “I'm sorry, I can't remember inviting you.” My eyes gazed into chocolate orbs and my golden eyes glinted off the light. “But it's always nice to have your company Yusuke.”

It was just so damn weird. How was it that the rebel always understood me? I never had to tell him what was wrong, he always just knew. So I guess it was just natural when he pulled up a seat and sat down that I didn't have to ask for him to do so.

“You're so predictable.” He said to me, taking his hands from his pockets and placing them on the table. “I'm hurt that you would go to Kagome's mother before you came to me. But I guess I understand.” I smirked softly, placing my finger back into the drink.

“I was going to come to you next. I'm sorry. She must have called to tell you that I was here.” Yusuke smiled and nodded his head. “I really hadn't meant for it to be like that. I was going to come…I just needed some time to think. That's all.” I creased my eyebrows and avoided eye contact with my childhood friends as best I could. There was no point in over-dramatics and sound-effects. Even without looking at him I knew that he was giving me the once over. I was good at hiding the abuse but he knew better. I couldn't be trusted to be by myself and not harm myself. So it goes…can't be helped.

“It's been five years since I've seen you.” His voice pulled me out of the darkness that I longed for. I looked up at him, my golden eyes burning with unshed tears. “I have to know. Why would you chose to come back now?”

I smiled. To be honest, I wasn't sure of the answer myself. Thinking drained my energy and talking made me irritable. I shrugged my shoulders. “I'm not sure…perhaps I felt a need to redeem myself. However, even as I say that it seems quit unfeasible.”

Yusuke smiled warmly, letting me talk and talk about nothing and everything all at once. Why was I here? Why would I choose now to come and not before. Hell, why did I leave in the first place…? I out my hands to my head and closed my weary eyes. This feeling was unacceptable! This tightening in my gut and the burning in my pride. It was unredeemable.

“I came back because I grew up…” I whispered to him. “I'm only just realizing how selfish I have really been.” I looked into Yusuke's eyes with a burning need…a self desirable urge for satisfaction. “I came back because I am to weak to do anything else.”

Ave Maria! Maiden mild! Oh, listen to a maiden's prayer. For thou canst see amid the wild