Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Things the YYH Crew Would Never Say ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

Hey, folks! Hope you'll have a good laugh over these original scenes of stuff the Yu Yu Hakusho gang would most likely never say (But in an alternate universe, you never know.) I've numbered them so you'll know when a new scene has started. Enjoy!

Things the YYH Crew Would Never Say (Or Very Unlikely Situations)

This fic contains swearing, random character bashing, and embarrassing situations in general. Oh, and if you can't handle Funimation bashing, you'd better leave.

One note: This is not meant to be taken seriously! The scenes are meant to give readers a good laugh, and that is all. I am aware that Funimation didn't create YYH, but I respect its true creator too much, so I am bashing Funimation instead. Now on with the fic!

1.

Hiei: Baka!

Yukina: Bastard!

Hiei: You son of a-

Yukina: Asshole!

H: You're just a goddamn whiny crybaby!

Y: Oh yeah? Well you're nothin' but a pathetic three-eyed freak!

H: Am not!

Y: Are too!

H: Am not!

Y: Are too!

H: Am not!

Y: Are too!

Kurama: (Tries his best to break them up) Umm…Hiei, I thought you cared for your

sister…

H: Like hell I do! It's all goddamn Funimation's fault!

Y: Now outta the way, Girly! (Throws Kurama into oblivion)

H: Know what, sis? I bet you couldn't keep from sobbing over some goddamn birds!

Y: Yeah, well I bet you couldn't keep your hands off of that Mukuro bitch!

H: *Growls* Hn. I should've just left you with that ugly-ass Tarukane. You deserve to be tortured!

Y: Well, you deserve to have your ass kicked by that weakling Kuwabara!

Both: *Growls* Die! (Goes for each other's throats)

2.

Kurama: (shaking uncontrollably) I'm…surrounded…by assholes…

3.

Hiei: Fighting? Feh. I hate fighting. (Suddenly cheerful) I'd much rather do flower arranging!

4.

Koenma: (Has white hair, wrinkles and is hunched over) Ogre, get me my cane!

Ogre: Why should I, you old asshole?

Koenma: Why you…(starts shaking) Aww, damn…I think I'm getting a stroke again…(Suddenly sprawled on the floor)

5.

Hiei: (Jumping up and down and singing) I'm so happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy…

6.

Kurama: (swings rose whip like a lasso) YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWW!!!

7.

Hiei: (Being overly-dramatic) I can't help it if I'm cold…I had a deprived childhood…I never know my mother or father…I'm an outcast from all society…AND I FEEL SO ALONE!!! (Breaks down sobbing)

8.

Hiei: No one likes me. Especially girls. Girls hate me.

Kurama: (Nods head in agreement) Mm-hmm. Same here.

9.

Yusuke: *sighs* Nothing matters anymore. I think I should commit suicide.

Keiko: See if I care! You know the only reason I came with you to this stupid tournament is because I've fallen madly in love with Kazuma-san! (Eyes become hearts)

Yusuke: Believe it or not, I liked you as more than a friend, Keiko. But then you go and fall for my so-called friend. I mean come on, what the hell do you see in him? He's weaker than my grandma, and he got the intelligence of a two-year old. And his looks? Don't make me laugh. I just don't know how you could choose an idiot like him over me. *sighs* (again) I wouldn't care if I died right now…

Keiko: *Growls* Let me do you a favor, then! Sick `em, Puu!

Puu: (Starts foaming at the mouth, then starts yowling like a wild animal) PUUUUUU!!! (Proceeds to kill Yusuke with razor sharp claws and beak)

Yusuke: AHHHHH!!! GET THIS RABID FREAK OFF ME!!!!! (Runs for his life before he becomes a bloody mess on the floor)

10.

Kuwabara: BWAHAHA!!! So, Yusuke thought I was his friend? I think not! "Oh, Kuwabara is a total loser," they said, "Kuwabara is nothing but an abuse object for Hiei," they said! Well, I'll prove them all wrong! With the help of my High-Flying Sword Thingie, I shall rule the world! And get hooked up with every decent-looking girl on the planet! …Err…except my sister. *sweatdrops*

11.

Keiko: Yusuke, I've been meaning to tell you something…it's really important.

Yusuke: What is it, Keiko?

Keiko: Well…I've kept it secret for a month, but I can't any longer…Do you remember a wile ago when Hiei was still evil and he kidnapped me?

Yusuke: Yeah…what about it?

Keiko: He…he told me that he did more than just trying to turn me into a demon…

Yusuke: (Raises eyebrow)

Keiko: Umm…what I'm trying to say is…you see…the thing is…I…I'm pregnant with Hiei's child…

Yusuke:WHAT!!!!!!!

12.

Kuwabara: Hey, guys! Whaddoya say we start a boy band?

Hiei: That's a brilliant idea, Kuwabara!

Yusuke: Yeah, we totally have the look down!

Kurama: Definitely. With my long, silky hair and sensitive attitude…

Hiei: And with my rugged and seductive self…

Kuwabara: We'll have more girls running after us than the Beatles!

Yusuke: Kuwabara and I, being weak and unworthy ningens, will stand in the sidelines to balance out your magnificence

Kurama: And all our fame will kick that backstreet boy Shishi Wakamaru in the ass!

Hiei: He won't know what hit him.

Yusuke: Yeah!

Everyone: (Stands around with triumphant grins)

Kuwabara: …So…does anyone know how to play a guitar?

13.

Hiei: (Looks around shiftily) … (Slaps on two tons of ultra strength hair gel when no one's looking)

14.

Yukina: Why does everyone think I'm so goddamn fucking nice?!! I get temper tantrums like everyone else!! I can't believe that goddamn Funimation made me into a nicey-nice bitch! And if that wasn't enough, they screwed up things even more! I knew that when I first layed eyes on Hiei, I was in love with him…but Funimation had to make him be my brother, and Funimation had to make that brainless idiot Kuwabara fall in love with me!!! How the hell am I going to deal with all of this??!!!

Botan: (Takes long puff out of a cigarette) I hear ya, sis. Everyone should know what my personality is really like: Depressed, bored, and I hate every boy in this anime. Plus I'm a drug addict. But does Funimation let me be who I really am? Hell no! They find it amusing for me to be a hyper and brainless ditz. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, they make me work for a baby, a goddamn toddler! And I can't even make fun of him, unlike that immature baka Yusuke! What did he do to deserve having so much more than me?!

Yukina: I say we complain to Funimation by pulling their guts out!

Botan: Awesome idea! LET'S GO!!!

(Yukina and Botan go on a wild rampage to kill everyone in charge of and working for Funimation, killing Yusuke and Kuwabara along the way)

15.

Toguro: Sakyo, hide me, hide me! That spirit detective is going to blow my brains out! Just as I killed Genkai, he showed up and got really pissed. He said that since I spilled her blood on his shirt, and it was his favorite shirt, he's going to kick my ass! Now I'm no match for him, and he'll do anything to kill me! Oh please, please save me!!! (Before he can say anything more he has a panic attack and passes out)

16.

Genkai: (Grabs Yusuke's cheek) Aww, aren't you the cutest, smartest, darlingest widdle thing on dis whole planet! I've never had such a polite, mature student, and you're soooooo sweet! Aren't you my itsy bitsy widdlekun?

Yusuke: *Grins* I could get used to this…

17.

Koto: (On air, talking into a microphone) Hello, and welcome to Koto's Beauty Pageant Tournament! I'm your host and founder of this special event, Koto! *Grins* All demonettes are welcome to participate in this free-for-all! Who can make the most kills and stay the most beautiful? The winner will receive a life-time supply of Koto's all-purpose shampoo, conditioner and hair-spray-which works especially well on fox-ears and tails-and you'll get that wonderful scent of someone who's just made a fresh kill! Who will bring home the gold?

18.

Toguro: (About to be defeated by Yusuke at tournament) Take an arm, take a leg…but spare my precious sunglasses!

19.

TV: (Showing a sappy soap opera)

Woman: Oh, Ted, don't ever leave me. You mean more than life to me, and my heart would break without you.

Man: Oh, Martha, I could never do something so cruel to you. I had to leave that one time before to Yokohama, but that was because poor Mother Dearest was dying. But she's become well, and now I will never leave you. Never again.

Woman: Oh, Ted, my darling…

Man: Martha, my sugar dumpling (They start to kiss)

Hiei: (Staring at TV, tears streaming down his face) That…was so…beautiful…*Sniff* (Blows nose on tissue loudly)

20.

Hiei: Screw the Makai, and the hell with Mukuro! That goddamn toddler got me into this whole mess! All I ever wanted to do was star in the Teletubbies! (Gets stars in eyes) I wanna be a red one with da cute little heart on top…

21.

Kurama and Hiei: (Discovers the hundreds upon hundreds of fanfics written about them being a couple, not to mention lots of *revealing* fanart)

Hiei: …What…in fucking hell did we do to give so many people these…ideas…?!

Kurama: …I've never had…those kinds of thoughts my entire life! Why do so many people think we look great together?! I mean, we're both guys…I'm so tall, and you're so short…

Hiei: Maybe it's just because you look girly.

Kurama: But…I don't look that girly…

Hiei: Hell…just because some demons look like drag-queens doesn't mean they're gay…especially not us…

Kurama: …Hey, are you calling me a drag-queen?

Hiei: *Smirks* See for yourself. (Hands him a mirror)

Kurama: (Looks at it, not knowing that a while ago Yusuke thought it would be a kick to put some make-up on him while he was asleep…Botan helped, so it wouldn't look like a complete mess) *Gasps* What the hell happened to me! *Screams* Are…are those stories they've written about us coming true?! Shit! I can't take this anymore!!! (Runs around hitting himself with his rose whip, and eventually falls to the floor and passes out from blood loss and panic)

Hiei: (Watching everything calmly) …Well, since Kurama can't do the job, I guess I'll have to kill everyone who made all this crap. (Takes out sword and swiftly destroys all H/K material) Die, you dirty-minded bakas!

Well, that's it for now. Hope you liked it, everyone! I tried to use a wide variety of characters. Please review, and tell me if you liked it. I will add more to the list once a week. Comments and the like will be much appreciated. Oh, and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't actually hate all of these characters that got majorly insulted. I adore Hiei and Kurama as well, though not as a couple(Sorry to everyone who does, and other people who liked the couples in here and were offended). I also did notice that the last scene here was actually what they would have said. …Oh well, hopefully it was still entertaining. Again, I hope you thought this fic was worth it!

Sayonara for now,

Dark Raven

P.S.-Flames will be ignored, or more likely, used to roast marshmallows! YUMMY!!!

Hiei: You have some sweet snow to go with that?

Me: Erm…-_-;