Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Chaos Ensues Part I ( Chapter 30 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

 

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

 

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

 

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

 

(This story will be finished [eventually!] just don't kill me before you see the end, huh?) ;)

 

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Chapter 30

 

Rewind:

 

Koenma: (tapping his foot) Come on, I don't have all day!

 

Botan: Oh, for the love of-! You're so impatient! (Turns to the others) Okay, so everyone knows what they're doing? Good! Well then, let's get started!

 

Play:

 

And with Botan's statement, the house lights go down. Along with Kuwabara, who trips from the sudden loss of his guiding track lighting.

 

Botan: I didn't mean right now! We've got to go get ready!!

 

With grumbling, the cast marches off stage, into the welcoming arms of Tomoyo in the back. It should be noted that at this time, Yusuke makes a belated escape attempt from the forthcoming costume design. However, he falls on Kuwabara, who still has not regained his footing, and the two are reeled in by Samantha and Jade, the burly onis. Candy is not present, as she is making paper flowers on direction of Yukina.

 

Screams of horror and outrage, girly and coming from what seems to be Yusuke, rocket around the coliseum as Koenma calmly waits on his popcorn in the microwave. Thinking to save time, he adds the butter as well, only to find everything starting to explode. The young Reikai prince quickly abandons the resulting crater with a somewhat innocent look as Keiko sticks her head out to look around.

 

Keiko: (whispering back) I think that's our cue.

 

 

Yusuke: (annoyed) What cue? That was just Koenma being an idiot like usual! Do you know how often that happens?! I mean-! Oophf! ... okay, yeah, that's our cue.

 

Minutes pass in `controlled' pandemonium (one could argue, quite easily, that it was bordering on out of control pandemonium) but finally it seems as if everyone is ready.

 

Botan: Okay, bring up the lights! ...come on, lights people! ...hello? ...okay, now I'm getting anno-!

 

A growl and a loud thump come from the sidelines, and suddenly the stage is illuminated, showing Botan off to the side and Yusuke in the center of the platform. The ferry girl is blinking.

 

Botan: Oh... thanks, Hiei.

 

Hiei: Hn. (wipes blood surreptitiously off of sword)

 

Kurama: (sighs) And there goes another set oni. I wonder how Koenma keeps on hiring these people? Maybe they have good health benefits...

 

Yusuke: (muttering) I think we should get humiliation benefits.

 

Indeed, he is outfitted in what appears to be, well, cast offs from Koenma's closet, maybe a couple of hundred years ago. A `onesie' obviously made for a child three to six months old, or at least that's what the tag says, has been enlarged to fit, barely, the spirit detective. His hair is down, ungelled, and he has a binkie hanging out the side of his mouth like a cigarette. Keiko is gushing off to the side, Kuwabara is laughing hysterically, and the rest seem not to care. Yusuke is, in sum, less than happy.

 

Yusuke: Who gave permission to have me dressed like a freakin' toddler?!! Do I look like a baby to you?!

 

Botan: Yusuke, please, it's only for a little bit-

 

Kuwabara: Ah, man, you look like an idiot!! Bwhahahaa!

 

Flyr: I agree.

 

Everyone: !! O.o

 

Yusuke: When the heck did you get here?!

 

Flyr: Just about the time the popcorn blew up. Which is really pathetic when you think about it, come on, how often do microwaves explode with microwave exclusive popcorn. Freak accident. But the smell was killing me, so I decided to see what you were up to.

 

 

No one comments for a moment as the impossibility of a scent traveling across space and time is pondered on and discarded quickly due to the headache it causes. Flyr by this time is paging through a script that has appeared mysteriously on her lap.

 

Flyr: So which one of you wrote this crap?

 

Kurama: ... there's a script?

 

Flyr: (waves the packet) Duh. Unless it's the classifieds. It's boring enough to be.

 

Keiko: I wrote that, thank you very much.

 

Flyr: Well, whatever, it's more like guidelines anyway. You want me to start then?

 

Keiko: Hmphf! (Promptly turns her back)

 

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Please do.

 

Flyr: (suddenly energized) Okay! Ready, Yusuke?

 

Yusuke: (sullen) This ain't got nothing to do with me.

 

Flyr: (Happily ignoring) Great! So - !

 

Hiei correspondingly lowers the lights at this point again and the set onis, having been intimidated by the previous death of their comrade, snap to it and shine the spotlight hurriedly on the babyfied Yusuke.

 

Flyr: (speaking with great drama) Once upon a time in a very messed up country that exists in some obviously forsaken land that Keiko has glorified - like any smart person would believe those fantasies - lived one farmer and his one year old son.

 

Yusuke: Huh? So where's my pops?

 

Kuwabara: Don't look at me!

 

Flyr: Oh! Sorry. Unfortunately, the old geezer passed away on the boy's first birthday

 

Yusuke: (snorts) Typical.

 

Flyr: -and the boy is left to his relatives, yada yada, blah, blah, blah - shesh, this really goes on forever! Soooo.... here we go! Basically, at 16, he leaves the house, his adopted parents not really liking him much, and sets out to seek his fortune.

 

Botan: (blinks) With a binkie? What happened to the opening scene?

 

 

Yusuke: (ripping off the outfit to reveal his usual green one) Don't know and don't care.

 

Flyr: (grandly) Let's just call this director's intrusion. Annnnnddd... Action!

 

The fuming Keiko is ignored as Yusuke strolls out onto the “Fantastically Huge Field of Magical Mishaps” per the sign stuck haphazardly in the middle of the stage. He walks quite purposefully up to the other cast member already lingering near the center, ignoring both Botan's and Keiko's hand signals to wander around. The spirit detective privately thinks he's doing great, because if he had followed those silly flapping hands, he would have gotten really lost.

 

Yusuke: Hey, Kurama. (eyebrow raises) You look kind've stupid.

 

Kurama: (dry) Thanks ever so much, Yusuke. And that outfit looked great on you too. (ignores the boy's sudden descent into muttering) If you can't tell, I'm currently stuck in a log.

 

Rolling his eyes, Yusuke leans in to take a closer look at Kurama's costume, a large, red and brown jumpsuit. [an: please excuse us while we take a break to ponder the pros of cons of having Kurama in a jumpsuit. Oh, the abs, but oh, the 80s style!] Managing to keep the tears of muffled laughter from his eyes, Yusuke just spots the tail like appendage - really a felt covered Styrofoam object that Tomoyo cleverly hooked onto a belt - “snared” between a couple of sticks leaning together on the stage. With a shrug, he kicks them away.

 

Yusuke: Man, you're pathetic. Honestly, I think your time away from Youko has made you stale. Who'd get trapped by this stupid thing?

 

Youko: (internally; smug) Ha, I soo need to get out more!

 

Kurama: (annoyed) And just who, exactly, was the one that got us involved in this whole mess in the first place?

 

Yusuke: Whoa, hey, no tossing the blame! You gotta learn to take responsibility!

 

Kurama seems close to exploding for a moment into a lecture before he takes a deep breath, manages to calm himself down and decides to ignore the comment.

 

Kurama: Oh, whatever. (returning to the plot) Traveler! Since you have managed to save my life, I will guide you in whatever quest you want!

 

Yusuke: I'm supposed to trust a guy who got stuck by a couple of sticks? You'll lead me into a swamp! Or a mud puddle! Trusting you, the second will be worst!

 

Kurama: (twitching) Here's my advice. Start asking for wealth or whatever it is your character is supposed to want or I'm about to encourage the plants around your house to start having a bit of fun.

 

Hiei: (offhandedly) I'll help you burn him.

 

Yusuke: O.O Uh, I mean, riches! I'm on a quest for money! Find me cash!

 

Kurama: (smiles) Good choice! Well now, I've heard recent rumors about a golden bird. To the east, if you wish. Oh, and beware the temptations of wealth and all that.

 

Yusuke: (muttering) I thought I just asked for money?

 

Looking in the direction that the `fox' has pointed, Yusuke spots Botan struggling with something. He turns back to the kitsune, then carefully walks backwards with an expression that says `I'm watching you.' Kurama just rolls his eyes as the boy runs into the ferry girl and knocks her over.

 

Botan: Ah! Watch it!

 

Yusuke: (choking on gobs of fabric) Mmphf!

 

Standing up, Botan hurriedly yanks her overflowing skirt away. As the light suddenly swings in her direction, a foil wrapped crown can be seen above her squinting eyes.

 

Botan: Geez, Koenma must be really dredging for people if this is the best set crew he can come up with.

 

Yusuke: O.o Wow, Botan, who knew you were into black underwear? (Grins) I bet it's for - oophf! (Promptly gets a high heel in his gut and the evil stares of Keiko and Hiei)

 

Keiko: Yusuke!

 

Kurama: (idly) Has she been raiding your closet, Hiei?

 

Hiei: I do NOT wear women's underwear!!!

 

Yusuke: Really? Not even a thong now and then?

 

Kurama makes a running leap to stop Hiei, drugging him up before he can start to burn the spirit detective. While Hiei's muscles relax and he starts going off to “Happy Land” as he likes to refer to it, the kitsune sighs.

 

Kurama: Who knew I'd have to crack into the sedatives so soon?

 

Keiko: I'm more concerned as to why your doctor keeps writing you prescriptions.

 

Youko: (internally) I thought we robbed some guy in the red light district?

 

 

Kurama: (quickly) He's a friend of my mother and I've convinced him I've got a split personality!

 

Yusuke: Which isn't all that far off the truth. (Looks up at Botan) So who are you supposed to be, anyway?

 

Botan: (dusting herself off and straightening) I am the Princess Botan, and I am searching for a way to escape my father!

 

Yusuke: Why don't you just blind him with your crown? (squints) No, seriously, if you guys don't dim the lights a bit, I'm gonna be charging Koenma for disability for life.

Koenma lets out a squawk before the onis hurriedly lower the intensity of the lights. After all, they can't have any one else cutting into their worker's comp.

 

Botan: (sighs before reverting to the script) Oh, I'm just in terrible straits!

 

Kuwabara: Terrible straights? Can Botan not bend over? That'd be really incontinent in the bathroom…

 

Kurama: Incontinent?!

 

Keiko: Inconvenient! Seriously, how can you mess up words that aren't even in the script?!

 

Botan: I've just got to get away from that crazy man!

 

Yusuke: Hiei? I mean, I guess you can always just kick him back to his tree. It's not like he's not used to banishment or anything.

 

Hiei: (fighting through the sedatives) WhAtaTTatatT?! (Stops and streches his mouth several times) Wha…at…?!

 

Kurama: (internally, sweatdrop) Is aphasia now a side effect of sedatives.

 

Youko: (internally) Maybe we shouldn't have stolen those sedatives from the red light district. Seems like it's second rate. Hmm.

 

Botan: (bashes Yusuke in place of the incapacitated Hiei) No!! I mean my father! Jeez, if you'd just stick to your part, this wouldn't happen so much!

 

Yusuke: (rubbing his head) Yeah, but sometimes it's pretty hilarious when you don't.

 

Botan ignores that comment as idiocy because she can not fathom that anyone would want to prolong their torture at Koenma's hands. [an: Actually, we agree with Yusuke…] Instead, she pulls her composure back together and pushes valiantly through the rest of her lines.

 

Botan: Anyway, I'm running away from my father because he insists on trying to marry me and his evil laugh is kind've unnerving, so why don't you let me travel with you so we can just move on.

 

Yusuke: Unnerving? Like what, mwhahhahaha!? Or more like Ohohohohoho!?

 

Botan: (frowns) No, it was more of a kukuku. [an: Naraku?!!] And wasn't you last example Tomoyo's laugh?

 

Yusuke: (frank) Look, I don't care if she insists she's on the side of that Cardcaptor, that little girl is just downright evil when she makes our costumes.

 

The cast gives Yusuke a cool `says the man who has more power than Togoro' look before giving in and agreeing that Tomoyo has the uncanny ability to make all of their lives a living misery if she so chooses and that they unanimously agree that she could probably do a whole lot worse if she put her mind to it.

 

Botan: So I can travel with you?

 

Yusuke: (strokes his chin) I don't really see what I'm getting out of this. I mean, Kurama didn't really seem to be much of a help, so I left him behind with his sticks…

 

Kurama: (miffed)

 

Botan: Well, I've got a nice singing voice (she ignores the chorus of groans that emit from the rest of the group) I think Hiei actually listens to me every once in a while, I have a K-mart membership card, and - oh! I've got several other outfits with me right now.

 

Yusuke: …wait, what? How's that an advantage?

 

Botan: Well, I've got this hairy coat that could be used for a lot of things like camping and stealth and such, and I've got three pretty expensive dresses that I could pawn off somewhere or maybe give to Keiko.

 

Keiko: (yelling) Bring her along, Yusuke!

 

Yusuke: Hmm…..

 

Kurama: (internally) I wonder if I could get the patterns for those.

 

Youko: (internally) Forget the dresses! [an: blasphemy!] Think of the possibilities of that coat! Oh, the places you could rob if every one thought you were just an animal!

 

Kurama: (internally) Um, aren't you already an animal?

 

Youko: (internally) Kitsune! Unless I'm with the ladies.

 

Kurama: (sighs)

 

Botan: I've got matching shoes with those dresses as well.

 

Keiko: Yusuke!! Do it!

 

Yusuke: I don't know, the last heels I wore didn't really do much for my figure…

 

Everyone: O.o

 

Kuwabara: But that's because they were boots. Strappy ones should work better.

 

Everyone: O.O

 

Yusuke: Yeah, you're right. Okay, you have a deal!

 

Botan: Um... I kind've don't want to ask why, but I'll roll with that.

 

Kurama: (to himself) Was it with the Sailor Moon outfit? [an: You'll never know!! Mwhahahaha!!]

 

Yusuke: (clapping his hands together) Okay, so where next?

 

Botan: (quickly references the script that no one seems to be paying attention to) Well, Kuwabara's part is coming up next.

 

Kuwabara: What!?

 

His surprised yell is cut off as the onis suddenly descend en masse to begin demolishing the set (or just Kurama's sticks, as nothing else was really on stage) and begin establishing the new layout. There are several secret handshakes and a few complicated and probably inaccurate gestures but the work gets done in only a few minutes and without any blood curdling screams as onis lose limbs - they are relatively used to it by now, and their stoic machismo, or really masochism, seems to impress the onis gathered at the back door who just may or may not be female (though they are missing Candy, Samantha, and Jade, so one cannot be sure) - so no one complains. [an: whew! Try to type that three times fast!] Instead the mess resolves into a hut with a cardboard horse leaning against it and a hastily appearing Kuwabara, who has been shoved out unceremoniously in his old prince's outfit from Beauty and the Baka by Tomoyo who still has that freaky smile on her face. The cast shudders as one.

 

Kuwabara: Wah!! (Trips over his cape and stumbles into the set) I can't see!!

 

Yusuke: Geez, if we get any more track lighting, the floor is gonna look like a disco hall.

 

Keiko: (winces) Oh, the Saturday Night Fever images! I think I'm ill.

 

Kuwabara: (glances down) Ack! I've killed my horse!

 

Indeed, it is scattered across the floor.

 

Kurama: What?

 

Kuwabarf: (mourning over the pieces that now clump unpleasantly like regurgitated lunch) Oh, how I loved you, Ekichichi!

 

Yusuke: HOW?! You barely even saw it! That's why you killed it in the first place!

 

Kurama: Can something made out of cardboard even die?

 

Botan: And `Little Eikichi'? Isn't that your cat's name?

 

Kuwabara: They were like brothers!!

 

Keiko: They never even met. -.-

 

Unfazed, Kuwabara begins on a grand soliloquy to his now deceased mount, naming off several qualities that Yukina had previously shared and making grand motions to truly display his emotional and mental loss, emphasizing more of the mental. Unfortunately, this reveals the true shoddiness of oni craftsmanship - secret handshakes not withstanding - and the house topples from a rouge fist pump and collapses just as Genkai is about to make her entrance, trapping her inside the ruins.

 

Genkai: What the-?! Mumph!!

 

Yusuke:… (waits)…(waits some more)…(just to make sure)… The witch is dead!!! Ring the bells!!!

 

Kuwabara: I've slayed another innocent life!!! How will I ever redeem myself in my Antarctic Fiesta's eyes?!

 

Kurama: I don't really think either of his two `victims' really qualified for those adjectives. And Yukina isn't even here to notice the `manslaughter.'

 

Botan: (surprised) What, really? Wasn't she right next to you, Hiei?

 

Hiei: (concentrating) She-he-he le-ft b-befo…. No.

 

Botan looks mildly curious but lets this one pass, assuming Hiei would not let his sister just wander off without good reason. She fails to take into account the effect of the sedatives on Hiei's sense of reason - because really, what sane person calls drug induced highs “Happy Land” - but since Kurama does not look bothered, it doesn't really cross her mind. [an: Because Kurama is awesome!!! (looks around) What, dissenters? Death to the infidels!!!]

 

Yusuke: (shaking Kuwabara's hand) Thanks man! I still owed her two days of running those stupid stairs! Now I can just play video games when I skip school!

 

Keiko: (rage!)

 

Kuwabara: (inconsolable) B-but she was such a nice lady!

 

Yusuke: What?! Just who has been giving you training?! Because it sure as heck wasn't that demon grandma!! Haven't you ever received her laser eyes of doom?! They're worse than Keiko's sleeper holds of divine retribution!

 

Keiko: (RAGE!!)

 

Keiko proceeds to demonstrate her infamous move on the unprepared Yusuke as the chorus onis, attracted by the possibility of the death of their attempted mass murderer, come to inspect and celebrate the remains. They are halfway there when Kuwabara, in another one of his moving rents of repentance, knocks them into the splinters of `Ekichichi'. The chorus onis, having never experienced the horrors of the postal service, fall prey to the instant life severing paper cuts of STiNG. [an: The horror.] They give out their last death rattle in a surprisingly good rendition of Roxanne.

 

Kuwabara: (aghast as he falls to his knees) Noooo!!! I've killed again! Twelve more victims!! How could I?!

 

Genkai: (spitting out tacks) These cruise tickets from Koenma better be worth it.