Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Intermission Part III : When No One Can Decide... ( Chapter 29 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------

Chapter 29

Rewind:

(an: Aaaanndddd, it's finished!! Beauty and the Baka, done! That's the third off my list, only one more to conquer! Or to be exact, 1/2 more!! Mwhahahahaha! Youko: Not this again. Author: -hahaha-what? Oh, it's you. Go away. Youko: Have you given any thought about how you're going to do just half a play? Author: Psh, who needs to think? Youko: ...obviously not you, I lie corrected. Continue on with this idiocy and we'll see how far it gets you. Author: (evil glare) I hate you. Youko: Tell it to the judge! Author: …Oh! Is that a golden weed whacker?! Youko: Where? Where? I've got you now, weed whacker!!! Author: …at least that's him buggered off. Oh well, stay tuned! Five more chapters and it's a wrap!!)

Play:

It is a peaceful, idyllic, boring day in Ningenkai. A car smogs the road as three teens look up at a building. Or to be exact, two teens. The third is coughing her head off like mad.

Keiko: (gasping) Are you sure - t-(chokes a bit) that this is Kuwabara's house, Yusuke? (mutters) Okay, that car didn't pass emissions tests!

Yusuke: Look, I've only been here a couple times! His house is so normal on the outside, I really can't tell which one is home to an idiot!

Kurama: (dry) Your house doesn't really give many clues either.

Keiko: Well, whatever! I'm tired of standing out on the street. We've been staring at the same house for the past twenty minutes!

She shakes her head and strides forward firmly to ring the bell as Kurama follows with a sweatdrop. Yusuke has remained still after the kitsune's last comment, his eyebrows down.

Yusuke: ...wait a minute... Kurama! I'm not an idiot! I'm gonna kick your butt!

Kuwabara: (at the door) Um, okay? Did you want to come in?

Keiko: (rolls her eyes and strolls in)

Kurama: (sweatdropping) Hello, Kuwabara. How are you? Fine? Good. Where's your sister? In the kitchen? Ah, well, I think I needed to, um, speak with her, so if you'll excuse me? (Walks quickly away)

Youko: (internally) What are you doing?! Kitsunes never run away from a fight!

Kurama: (internally; trying to block him out) That was avoidance, not running away. Why don't you try it too?

Youko: (internally; unamused) If that was your "I'm being subtle" way of telling me to bug off, you need more practice.

Kurama: (internally) I'll make sure to be more obtuse about it next time. (pauses) Hang on, where is the kitchen?

As our kitsune leader loses himself in the small house of Kuwabara, Yusuke quickly forgets about his offense and begins examining the house.

Yusuke: (critical) Kuwabara, have you been...dusting? Where's the cobwebs?

Kuwabara: (grimace) My sister went on a major cleaning spree. You should have heard the spiders scream about losing their ancestors' resting places.

Keiko: Well! It's about time someone tidied up! Maybe I should invite her over...

Yusuke: (turning quickly) What are you talking about?! That's imposing on their family shrines! Koenma'll burn you in the underworld! Those could be people about to come back to life as humans!

Keiko: ...(not impressed) Look, Yusuke, first off, spiders do not have "shrines", Koenma doesn't care, he's too busy torturing us, and bugs are the lowest on the list of reincarnation. In another 2000 years they'll have forgotten.

Yusuke: (sour) That does not mean we are cleaning my house. I know my messes like my best friend!

Kuwabara: Don't you hate it when your girlfriend is smarter than you?

Keiko: (turning sharply) I'm not his girlfriend!! (marches away)

Yusuke: (muttering) Yet. And more violent, don't forget that.

Kuwabara: (from the floor) I don't think I could.

Breaking off the scene, the doorbell rings, and from the back Kurama comes running, moving towards sound in hopes that it'll bring him back to civilization.

Kurama: (sprinting in) I'll get it!

Youko: (internally; peeved) When did it get so clean in here? Makes it hard to find your way around!

Kurama ignores this, and Yusuke's returned glower as he opens the door, to reveal a calm Hiei, a ticked off Botan, and a smiling Yukina. Her face is all it takes to make Kuwabara begin to scramble around the floor.

Kuwabara: (jumping to his feet) My sturdy triangle of golden adoration, my digital camera of Cassiopeia, my sheep of limerick formation!! Yu-ki-n -!

Unfortunately, he is quickly stomped back down by Yusuke, who seems to have transferred his anger to a better target.

Yusuke: You just keep on getting worse with those things, you know that?!

Kurama: (at the door and not turning down his change in fortune) So, what took you so long? We were all supposed to be here an hour ago.

Hiei: Hn.

Yukina: (smiling) The bus ride took a while.

Botan: (glaring) Well, I did offer everyone a ride on my oar-

Kurama: (suddenly understanding) Ohhhh....

Botan: -and Hiei broke it! I swear, why I put up with these temper tantrums!

Hiei: It's called self preservation, onna.

Botan: (flaring up) Hiei!!

Kurama: (breaking in) Perhaps we'd better just get started. -.-u

Kuwabara: ...um, what did you come over for in the first place?

Everyone: ...?

Silence lingers, and lingers, and oppresses, and makes murder attempts, and tries to avoid manslaughter charges, and - Suddenly, a small voice breaks into it's call to the attorney's office.

Yukina: Do you think I might have a glass of water?

Kuwabara: (recovering swiftly) Yes! My turtledove of the pear tree! My five golden rings of delight! Eight maids milking in one lovely package! (Runs off to the kitchen)

Yusuke: ...man, does he know it's June?

Everyone: -.-u

Kurama: (internally) Now, where did he-?

Kuwabara: (wailing) I'm lost!

Keiko: It's your own house!!

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Oh dear.

After an expedition is mounted to recover the scared and panicking Kuwabara from his hallway, the group returns to the one place Kuwabara can actually find in this Sea of Cleanliness: his room. Unfortunately, it seems as if the invading maids have also sabotaged this last line of defense, and all the dressers and tables are spotless, the floors empty, and the bed sheets - the horror of all horrors - made up perfectly, hospital corners and all. Yusuke is looking around in disbelief as Botan nervously pokes the bed, afraid everything is really a sham and that slight pressure will cause the illusion to suddenly slum backwards into it's traditional decay.

Yusuke: (in low tones) Whoa, man... I feel for you. Who did this? I swear, we'll go out and beat the living -

Kuwabara: (whimpering)

Yusuke: Aw, come on, don't take it so hard! You've got to fight!

Kuwabara: (shivering now with the whimpers)

Kurama: (in a stage whisper) Yusuke, if you'll recall, Kuwabara did say he cleaned this himself when we entered.

Yusuke: What?!!! Suicide!!! You're nuts!!

Keiko: (muttering) You're nuts.

Botan: (decides everything is probably okay and jumps on the bed) Springy!

Kuwabara: (looking up suddenly) I wouldn't...!

Hiei: You're an idiot, onna.

Botan: Jumping on beds is fun! Come on! (Bounces slightly) See? It's like a squishy trampoline!

Yukina: (smiling; climbs aboard as well and begins jumping)

Kuwabara: O.o I think you should-

Botan: Wee! (Jumping more)

Kurama: Um...

Hiei: (rolls his eyes)

Bed: (creaks)

Yusuke: (snaps out of his shock) Well! This is absolute blasphemy, my fellow member of the "I am dirty and proud of it" club! You shame me! Therefore! I will jump on your bed and make it as messy as possible to get you back! Mwhahahaha! (Makes a running jump for the bed)

Keiko: Yusuke!!!

Botan: (grabs Yukina out of the way) Whoa! Look out!

As the youth makes his "leap of fame", target - the bed, he stumbles slightly, causing his weight to come down much firmer than expected. The bed gives one shuddering sigh, a last breath, before skipping the dramatics of creaking and shaking and instead just exploding into a large mess. Kurama sighs laboriously at the mess, Keiko refuses to look from behind her hands, Hiei has grabbed the startled Botan and Yukina away and is now growling, and Kuwabara is staring with borderline insanity at Yusuke, who lies in the middle of the pile, his eyebrows up in surprise but a satisfied grin on his face.

Everyone: ...

Yusuke: (cracks his knuckles) Mission accomplished. My work is done here.

Kuwabara: What the-? (snaps) Urameshi, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Yusuke: Don't worry about it, no need to thank me! (Waves generously) In fact, I think I'm going to promote you to vice president for this one! Viva la mess!

Keiko: (shouting) Stop butchering the language!!

Hiei: (glowering) If you do that again, the bed won't be the only thing broken, detective.

Botan: (picking at the ruin, confused) But... why are there lots of other things in here too? Pocky wrappers? DDR prizes?

Kuwabara: Um... well, um... (caving under the pressure of instant curious eyes) Okay, okay! My sister said to clean everything, but I didn't really feel like doing it, so I just shoved everything under my bed! Koenma stole all of my junk last time anyway. It was just getting too empty under there!

Keiko: ...(sighs) Unbelievable.

Botan: (eyebrow still way up) But there's also empty toothpaste, toilet paper rolls... a spatula?! And isn't this lamp supposed to be in the living room?!

Kuwabara: (unfazed) Yeah... I told you I didn't feel like cleaning, right?

Keiko: (explodes) The whole house!?!

Kurama: (trying to hold in snickers) Well, just think of it this way, at least the rest of the place is clean.

Keiko: Well... okay, I guess there is always that, I mean, we could go down to the living room again and...

Kuwabara: (laughing nervously) Actually, did you know that rugs are really useful at hiding things?

Keiko: ...then we'll go into the kitchen-

Kuwabara: Too many cabinets.

Keiko: (twitching) Shizuru's room.

Kuwabara: (shivering) Too scary. Have you heard the sounds that come out of there at night?! Gives me nightmares!

Yusuke: (grinning pervertedly) Oh yeah?

Kurama: (sighing) Like what? I doubt it's that bad.

Kuwabara: You don't understand. It's...kareoke. (Dangerously close to convulsions)

Keiko: (flat) Right. So what room is safe?

Kuwabara: Um, the bathroom? No, wait, the shower's full...

Keiko: Argh!!! That's it! Kitchen, now! You will clean it! Move!

Kuwabara dashes for the door like he's got the devil on his tail. Well, that would be wrong, it's only his best friend. Keiko follows with fire in her eyes, Kurama sticking close in an effort not to lose himself again, and the other three following calmly. Yusuke remains in the heap on the ground, tugging away at his trap.

Yusuke: Uh, hello? A little help here? Come on! Please? Botan? Kurama? Guys? Oh, for heaven's sake, don't tell me I'm stuck in this d-!! (an: The rest has been edited out courtesy of "Censors R Us")

Downstairs, Keiko is leading the life she was born to take on - dictator. Orders come out at a furious rate.

Keiko: Kurama, stove! Botan, bottom cabinets! Hiei... no wait, Hiei, bottom cabinets! Botan, taller cabinets! (Ignores the muttering coming from behind her) Kuwabara, the food pantry!! And it better all be spotless!! (voice changes to a nice pitch) Yukina, you can work with me on the counters and floors, okay?

Yukina: Okay! (Smiling happily)

Despite this obvious biasing, no one seems to get mad.

Hiei: Darn pots. I hate them, they are pathetic and deserve to be melted. Why does that evil woman have so many of them anyway?!

Botan: Shizuru, you mean? Hiei, stop that! Do not melt the pots!

Kurama: (looking down into clogged burners) I'm amazed that you haven't started a fire in here already.

Kuwabara: (head covered in flour) What? Oh, we don't cook. The stove's just for decoration. My sister orders out all of the time.

Hiei: Then why the pots?! (twitching)

Kuwabara: My sister likes beating people with them?

The pots summarily go out the window.

Hiei: I'm done.

Botan: No, the cast iron!!

Keiko: (wiping quickly) Pick up the pace! Move it!

Yukina: (still on her first area) Am I going to slow?

Keiko: You're fine, dear.

Coughing comes from Kuwabara as he inhales something that should have been dumped months ago, but before a trash bag can be retrieved, an explosion comes from upstairs. Everything goes quiet in the kitchen. For a second that is.

Kuwabara: Hey!!! That was from my room!

Keiko: (even louder) YUSUKE!!!

Yusuke: (screaming back from the living room) WHAT?!! I panicked!!

Keiko: You face Suzaku, no panicking! Toguro, you don't even flinch! But a pile of junk?!!!

Yusuke: (defensive) It was leering at me!!

Kurama: This...is so stupid.

Hiei: Hn.

Yusuke: ...hey, could some tell me how to get to the kitchen? I'm afraid I'm a bit lost...

Instead of response, a beeping noise seems to answer him, along with Botan's moan of horror and the tired "Aw, crap" that comes from her. Yusuke waits, looking at the lumpy rug which seems to have the perfect shape of a phone underneath, before speaking again, wandering aimlessly.

Yusuke: Guys? Hello? Keiko?

There is no answer.

Yusuke: ... (grins suddenly) Hey, Keiko! You know that time I said I couldn't see anything through the steam in your shower? Well, I lied!! Bwhahaha!

The house is silent.

Yusuke: Uh... okay, you're seriously freaking me out now. Keiko? Hello? Slap, slap?

He makes it, amazingly, to the bathroom (shapes looming through the shower curtain) before a portal exasperatedly appears and snatches him up.

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------

The spirit detective finds himself stumbling through and falling into the infamous coliseum, track lighting flashing in pretty colors. An angry girl quickly makes her way to Yusuke and bashes him over the head without remorse, and suddenly the lights are flashing in his head as well.

Keiko: (blushing furiously) I was in a bathing suit cleaning up from swimming in the ocean, you jerk! We went together with my parents when we were seven, and you were standing right beside me! Don't give them ideas!

Kurama: (sighs) Who believes what he says anyway?

Botan: (lets out a breath in relief)

Kuwabara: Man, Urameshi, you had me going! I thought you were serious!

Yusuke: (smirking from the ground) I said your shower, Keiko.

Keiko: ...(flares) Yusuke, you're dead!

Koenma: (raises eyebrow) Right now, I think he's still alive. Too much paper work if you kill him. Please don't.

Yusuke: (shoots a victory sign at the muttering Keiko)

Koenma: At least until after the play.

Everyone: (groans)

Botan: (quickly) Half a play, you mean.

Yukina: How are we supposed to half a play?

Koenma: Don't ask me, if it was my choice, you'd be doing three more!

Kurama: How about we just act until we get bored with it?

Yusuke: I'm bored!

Koenma: If you cop out, the contract goes back to my full requirement!!

Angry grumbles result, but as no one has a better idea, the cast roughly supports Kurama's decision.

Botan: (clapping her hands) So, what play are we doing?

Yusuke: I'm tired of Disney, let's do something else!

Kuwabara: But, my ice maiden of acting, my lovable dew drop of success, Yukina likes doing-!

Yukina: (smiles) That's fine.

Kuwabara: (deflates) Yeah, okay, so what is it?

Kurama: How about Puss in Boots?

Kuwabara: (immediately) Not enough romance.

Keiko: Cinderella?

Yusuke: We already did Sleeping Beauty.

Hiei: Hn. I say The Golden Goose. (Finds everyone staring at him) What? I'm no fool, I've done some research on ningen idiots.

Yusuke: (Rolling eyes) Whatever. I think it should be The Golden Bird instead.

Hiei: (glaring) I just said that, baka.

Yusuke: They're two different stories! Come on!

Botan: If there's going to be confusion, then no. Alleraigah was my favorite.

Kuwabara: (slaps hand down) Oh! I just got it! The Riddle! That was a great one!

Hiei: You're not smart enough to even suggest that.

Kuwabara: Oh yeah, shrimp? Well it's not as if your suggestion had much value anyway!

Kurama: (quietly) Hiei speaking of idiots and Kuwabara of a genius, what irony.

Yukina: (speaking peacefully) Perhaps The Seven Swans? That was a sweet story.

Keiko: (confused) But the guy was left with a swan arm in the end? If that was me, I'd be a little upset.

Koenma: (tapping his foot) Come on, I don't have all day!

Botan: Oh, for the love of-! You're so impatient! (Turns to the others) Okay, so everyone knows what they're doing? Good! Well then, let's get started!