Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part X ( Chapter 28 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

And so we finish up this Disney movie. Life's been crazy, took me four days for this one, but here it is. Please enjoy it!

Ps. This story was removed from Fanfiction, but it's staying on Mediaminer! :)

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Chapter 28

Rewind:

Botan: (smiling) At least that's resolved now.

Hiei: (eyebrow up) You call that resolved?!

Play:

Yusuke whistles cheerily to himself as he packs up his sock friends back into their box and shuffles them off the stage. Before he leaves, however, Koenma has to check the cardboard package to insure that he truly is not contained inside. Obviously physical relativity is confusing the young toddler king. After that's finished, the cast decides unanimously to move on, most having forgotten their previous activities in the first place and just becoming bored with having to stay in Reikai for so long. Koenma claps his hands as the rest hurriedly jump into position.

Koenma: Okay, let's finish this up!

Kuwabara: (looking earnestly at the ice maiden) Yukina, are you happy here with me?

Yukina: (smiling back) Yes.

Kuwabara: In your face, Touya!! (fist pumping) Oh yeah! I'm there for you, Yukina-baby!

Touya: (rolls eyes)

Yukina: (glances off) It's just…

Flyr: (snorting, then…) I just…have to…sing!

Everyone: No!!! (an: Monty Python again! Argh! (whacks self))

Kuwabara: (pausing as he feels the cool winds of doubt) (an: chilling) Y-yes? My supporting scaffold of obtuse angles, my entry in the essential book of life, what is it?

Yukina: If only I could see my father again, just for a moment. I miss him so much.

Yusuke: Oooo. And Kuwabara crashes and burns! She's put you over for Toguro, did you hear that?

Kuwabara: (Yelling back at Yusuke) Shut up!

Yusuke: (holding up a forgiving hand) That's okay, man, I understand how you must be feeling now. I'll be your friend when times are down! We'll make fun of you together!

Kurama: …I'm not sure that's the kind of friend I'd like to have when I'm not feeling well.

Kuwabara: (taking deep breath and reading the script) There is a way.

Yukina: (surprised) Really?

Kuwabara: (frowning) Yeah, hang on a second, I know I left it somewhere… (starts digging through the pile of junk on the floor) Oh, here!

Yusuke: Hey!! I lent you that mirror months ago!!

Botan: (eyebrow up) You carry around a pocket mirror?

Keiko: (wisely) To check his hair.

Yusuke: Humphf!

Kuwabara: (grandly) This mirror will show you anything you wish to see.

Yukina: I'd like to see my father, please …(stares) … (shakes the mirror) …I don't think it's working.

Kuwabara: What?!

Yusuke: It's only a mirror, man!! You can't expect miracles from it! (suddenly thoughtful) Though I always did have the best look if I checked my gel with that every morning.

Yukina: (looking sad) I guess…I'll never see him then…

Kuwabara: (freaking out) Wah! Don't cry, my butterplum of cake goodness!

Hiei: (twitching) She's not yours!!

Yusuke: And stop it with the food!

Kuwabara doesn't pay attention though as he tries frantically to cheer the ice maiden up. Finally, he grabs her hand, much to the annoyance of Hiei and Touya, and sprints off to the backstage area, obviously deciding that a "family get together" is in order. Unfortunately along the way, he trips over the obstacle of the missing Chu and Rinku, and Yukina is barely saved by a well timed catch by Toguro. Genkai looks at her questioningly before turning to watch the rest of the cast tumble inside as well, much to her amusement.

Genkai: (smirking) I can't believe Koenma hired so many clumsy people!

Botan: (muttering from the bottom of the pile) Maybe he likes paying workers comp? Hey, watch the knees!

Kurama: (wincing) Sorry.

Keiko: Wha-? (fumes as hands are placed inappropriately) Yusuke, you perv!

Yusuke: (pushing himself out) That wasn't me!

Kurama: (cowering) Sorry!

Yusuke: …KURAMA!!

Disgruntled from the noise and the weight, Hiei yanks himself out, then salvages Botan from the bottom and Kurama from being attacked by Yusuke. While Flyr is poking fun at poor Touya, knocked out, and Jin is trying to calm the spirit detective down, unsuccessfully, it must be noted, Botan regains her composure and turns to Toguro and Genkai.

Botan: (gesturing at Chu and Rinku) So, what have these two been doing?

Genkai: (blandly) Being idiots.

Toguro: (frowns) I think they've been enrolled in anger management classes.

Botan: …what?

Kurama: You can get those here? (goes thoughtful) Maybe we could get some for Yusuke? And I'm paying way too much on sedatives, so better sign Hiei up as well.

Hiei: (growling) You're treading a fine line, fox.

Botan has turned back to view the laughing Chu and Rinku, who seem to be clutching their stomachs as they stare at a short, and I mean short as in a couple inches down from Hiei, man in robes, carrying a staff, and with decidedly purple hair. The man, quite frankly, alternates between level dryness and hysterics as the two are hardly paying attention. Kuwabara lays ignored behind them, dazed and unable to get his bearings.

Botan: (confused) Just who is that?

Tomoyo: (popping out of nowhere) Oh, that's Clef! Really, we're quite good friends, and I thought I'd call him in when Chu-san and Rinku-san attempted to kill one another. He's come on a personal favor.

Clef: Now, you need to learn how to keep a level head. First off, no matter what happens, you can not lose your temper, got that? …are you even listening to me?

Chu: (winking, then…) Ah, Rinku, I really think this guy's a load o' crap, what d'ya say?

Rinku: (nodding seriously) I know. If you weren't allowed to lose your temper, where would all your fighting spirit go?

Chu: (grinning) I kept my fightin' spirit in a jug, lad.

Rinku: (rolling his eyes) You're an idiot. I meant normal people!

Clef: You're supposed to be listening to me!

Chu: Tch. You sayin' I'm not normal?

Rinku: Exactly!

Clef: (arms flailing in the air) Pay attention!!

Chu: Say it to me face, Marie!

Rinku: (jumping up) You're weird, you loser!

Clef: (gone wild) …okay, that's it! (grabs both fighters) I'm here because Tomoyo-chan asked me to come!! Now you will pay attention or I'll be feeding you to Fyula!!

Everyone: (stunned silence)

Kurama: (quietly) Somehow, I think the teacher is worse than the student.

Botan: Fyula?

Tomoyo: (smiling) Yep. His flying fish.

Chu: …(looks over at Rinku) Do ya think it's edible?

Rinku: (thoughtful) You mean, like sushi?

Clef: …(snaps) Lightning Flash!!

Thus, the heavens descend, wielding lightning, and both Chu and Rinku are flung mighty feet away.

Clef: Right, that's it, I'm off. Sorry Tomoyo-chan that I couldn't do more. (politely kisses her hand) Call me up if you need something again, since I didn't pay off my debt for this costume yet. (waves back calmly) Bye! (lifts staff for flash of light, and suddenly he's gone)

Everyone: …

Keiko: (slowly) Tomoyo, is everyone you know this, um, interesting…?

Rinku: (weakly) or just him?

Tomoyo: (smiling) Oh, no, every one I know is fun!

Kurama: (smiling wryly) And that includes us. Okay, moving on!

Yukina: (smiling) Papa! Oh, no! He's sick, he may be dying! And he's all alone!

Genkai: (eyebrow up) Toguro is surrounded by people.

Toguro: …(shrugs)

Kuwabara: …(crying) Do I have to?!

Botan: (sighs) It's in the script, and if you don't, I'm afraid Hiei's going to kill you.

Indeed, Hiei is looking at his sword with newfound delight as an excuse is presenting itself to at least injure if not mortally wound the orange haired teen. Kuwabara takes a large gulp, then continues.

Kuwabara: Then...then you must go to him.

Yukina: What did you say?

Kuwabara: (hating the prolonged torture) I release you. You are no longer my prisoner!

Yukina: (still smiling) You mean...I'm free?

Kuwabara: (openly weeping) Yes, just go!

Yukina: Oh, thank you! (strongly) Hold on, Papa. I'm on my way! (glances down at mirror in hands, then approaches Kuwabara)

Kuwabara: (depressed) Just keep it, baby, it's not mine anyway.

Yusuke: Hey!!

Yukina: (cheerily) Thank you for understanding how much he needs me.

She walks off and nothing happens for a few moments as Flyr pokes Touya with a stick. The poor sheep eared shinobi is totally out of it, though, and cannot fulfill his duty in the lines department. Finally, growing tired of this, the dimension witch pulls out a marker and begins decorating her friend's face. Yusuke takes the opportunity and distraction of Jin, who readily joins in with the doodling, to go berate Kuwabara.

Yusuke: Why'd you let her go, idiot, and with my mirror?!!

Kuwabara: (down in the dumps and refusing to lift his face from the floor) Because Hiei was gonna kill me.

Yusuke: (rolls eyes) Oh yeah, and why's that, huh?

Kuwabara: (sighs) Because I love her.

Yusuke: Cry me a river. Kurama keeps on going after blatantly taken women.

Kurama: (under the pressure of glares from Yusuke and Kuwabara, plus the precursory stare of Hiei) It was an accident!!

Youko: (internally) Well, actually…

Kurama: (internally; frustrated) It was an accident, you traitor!! Thank goodness you can't speak out loud!

Youko: (internally) …shut up, Shuichi, don't rub it in. (pouts)

Yukina: (turns smiling to Toguro) Papa?

Keiko: (shaking her head) How can she be surprised when he was there the whole time?

Yukina: Let's get you home, okay, Papa?

Toguro, after a moment of silence, shrugs, and the cast resumes it's position onstage, much to the impatience of Koenma and the indifference of Shizuru. After an extended period of shouting matches exchanged by the young king and Yusuke, and finally Botan, who tells him to just get on with it!, the play once more continues at a clipping pace. Finally. Toguro takes up his position sitting in a chair in Yukina's tiny and quickly rebuilt house, while the ice maiden sits calmly beside it.

Yukina: (smiling) It's all right, Papa. I'm home.

Toguro: …I wasn't expecting to see you again.

Yukina: (dramatically) I missed you so much.

Toguro: So…you escaped.

Yukina: I didn't escape, Papa. He let me go.

Toguro: …(shrugs) Still a baka.

Yukina: (turns thoughtful) But he's different, now. He's changed somehow.

Genkai: (snorts) Don't you dare try and say he's more intelligent.

Yusuke: (grinning) Maybe stupider, then?

Kuwabara: Hey, knock it off!

Botan: (pushing at Yusuke) Go on, it's your turn.

Yusuke: What?

Botan: You're supposed to fall out of Yukina's pack.

Yusuke: I'm twice her size!! How the heck is she supposed to carry me around?!

Botan: Oh, for heaven's sake! (gives a final shove) Just go!

Yusuke: (stumbles on stage) Yeesh! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed! I think you need to switch sides with her, Hiei.

Hiei: (eyes go large) I'LL-!!

Botan: (jumps Hiei) Sedatives!!

Kurama: (rushing over) Right! You grab the arm!

Yukina: (blinking) Oh, a stowaway.

Toguro: …Yo.

Yusuke: Yo yourself. (turns to Yukina) Now, I've come for my mirror!

Yukina: (smile) Oh, Yusuke, of course I like you!

Simultaneous "WHAT?!"s are heard across the stage as Kuwabara pops up, Keiko turns swiftly, Touya startles out of unconsciousness, Botan and Kurama look confused, and Koenma appears flabbergasted. Hiei, as much as he would like to, is unable to react due to medication. Yusuke is stunned and more than a little afraid from the scary aura that is radiating from Keiko. Genkai rolls her eyes and snorts.

Genkai: If this dimwit had stuck to his lines, you wouldn't be facing this confusion right now! There's no romantic interest, you idiots! Snap out of it! (strolls up to the cottage door and knocks)

Yukina: (frowning, answers the door) Yes?

Genkai: (bored) I've come to collect your father.

Yukina: (puzzled) My father?

Genkai: Don't worry, I'll take good care of him. Spa was such a hit that I'm thinking of going to the Alps next week.

Yukina: …my father's not crazy!

Genkai: (eyebrow up) I'd care to differ. He's got some problems, I should know, but I think I can deal with those. (yells inside) Come on, Toguro, you coming or not?

Toguro: (frowns) I think Yukina requires me for a few more scenes, but after that (shrugs) sure, why not. I need to brush up on my skiing.

Everyone: ô.o

Yusuke: Toguro…skis?!

Kurama: More to the point, when did he learn to ski?

Genkai: Whatever. I'll be backstage. Gotta finish the last chapter of "Whirlwinds of Passion" anyway.

Jin: Ooo! Don't tell me if Vivica gives in an' marries Thom, now though.

Genkai: (frowning) I thought she was leaning more towards Frank? (walks off, waving shortly) See ya later!

As the pink haired woman leaves, the rest of the cast just stands there, unsure of what to do. Eventually, a small poking battle unfolds itself.

Kurama: Come on, Hiei, it's your turn, go say your lines.

Hiei: You have lines before me, fox!

Kurama: …(distastefully) They're stupid. I'm coping out. Now go!

Hiei: What?! Hey! Stop shoving, baka kitsune!

Yukina, however, at this point solves the problem for them.

Yukina: (desperate) You know he's not crazy, Hiei!

Hiei: …yes he is.

Yukina: If what?

Hiei: (confused) That wasn't based on a condition, Yukina. There are no ifs about him being crazy. He IS. That's it.

Yukina: Marry you?!

Hiei: WHAT?!! (turns to Kurama with large eyes) I did not agree to start this conversation again, fox!!!

Kurama: -.-

Yukina: (vehemently) Never!

Hiei: Thank goodness! Sanity has arisen!

Toguro: (suddenly appearing next to Yukina) Look, anything particular you needed me for?

Yukina: (turns thoughtful) I think you just need to stand near me. Oh, wait a moment! (rushes back inside the house to return seconds later)

Yusuke: My mirror!

Yukina: (brightly) My father's not crazy and I can prove it! (talking to mirror) Show me Kazuma!

Mirror: (remains blank)

Everyone: …

Touya: What does Kuwabara have to do with Toguro's sanity?

Yusuke: (shrugs) Maybe she's comparing him to someone worse?

Kuwabara: Oh, shove it, Urameshi!

Botan: (trying to follow the script) Is it dangerous?

Yusuke: (snorts) Like a cheese grater.

Kurama: You know, those can be kind've dangerous.

Hiei: (rolls eyes) Only if you don't handle them right.

Flyr: (poking Hiei) When did you learn about cheese graters, Hiei?

Botan, Kurama, Yusuke: (answering blandly) K-mart.

Hiei: Hn. Stop touching me, onna.

Yukina: Oh, no. He'd never hurt anyone. Please, I know he looks vicious

Kuwabara: What?!

Yukina: but he's really kind and gentle. He's my friend.

Kuwabara: …compliments!! I knew you liked me, my spring concert of conniptions, my global maximum of love, my workout video of fitness!

Keiko: (confused) Wasn't that first one a bad thing?

Kurama: (sighs) You know how he gets with big words.

Yusuke: (gagging)

Hiei: (tapping his fingers) Look, I doubt the idiot even could hurt anyone if he tried. You should just forget about him.

Yukina: (shouting happily) He's no monster, Hiei. You are!

Hiei: (twitches violently)

Botan: (sighs) Hiei, honestly, what did I tell you about messing with your sister's love life? Yukina's not in for the over controlling big brother deal. Cool it.

Yusuke: (suddenly snapping his fingers) Hold it! I just realized something!

Kurama: (dryly) It's the apocalypse?

Yusuke: What? No! It's the mob song!

To the right of him, Hiei's twitching moves into spasms at the thought of singing, but Botan looks pretty excited, as the whole choir deal is coming up again and she's by some fluke forgotten her past troubles with them.

Keiko: So, who's singing again?

Botan: (happily) Everyone! (ignores groans) …well, mostly Hiei (no sound as the demon is bordering comatose now) but everyone backs him up!

Hiei: (valiantly struggling out of it) Onna, there is no way on earth that I am singing.

Kurama: (sighs) This again.

Frowning at the fire demon, Botan attempts to stare him down for a moment before squaring her shoulders. Calmly, she approaches him, then leans down and yanks him forward.

Botan: I didn't want to do this the hard way, Hiei.

Hiei: (narrows his eyes, then smirks) I'm not singing, Bo-mmphf.

Yusuke: (rolls his eyes) Must they do this all the time?

Koenma: (freaking out) They do this all the time?!!

Kurama: (sweatdrop) I think it's just an expression of Yusuke's, right? (nudges the detective)

Yusuke: What are you talking `bout? I'm serious!

Koenma: Argh!! (an: and Koenma has suddenly turned into a pirate. Arg, matey.)

To their left, Touya and Jin have returned to their side jobs as ESPN sports casters, or something like that. Commentary now issues at a play-by-play basis, even though Touya is trying to fight down a blush and not really looking much.

Jin: Ah, and there ya have it lads, `tis a lassie's most convincing all-purpose weapon! Yes, been on tha receivin' end o' that argument several times, let me tell ya, and haven't won much to date.

Touya: Doesn't Flyr threaten to kick you out as well?

Jin: (thoughtful) Well, `tis that as well…

Touya: (sighs) Whatever. Are they still-? (chances a peek before promptly closes his eyes again) Yep. Still "arguing". You'd think they'd be finished by now.

Jin: (rubbing chin) Tha lad seems ta be holdin' out pretty well. I, meself, never last much over three seconds, but then again, I've got a terrible tolerance for tha stuff.

Touya: (sweatdrop) And you're judging this with a terrible record? (an: who's one to talk, Touya??) (sighs) Whatever. So you think he's going to pull through?

Jin: (immediately) No. He's losin', just a bit slower than normal.

Touya: Maybe he's dense?

Botan: (pulls back breathing heavy) Okay, this is taking too long! I didn't want to do this, Hiei, but you're giving me no choice!

Hiei: (concentrating very hard) I'm-not-singing.

However, his protests are to no avail as Botan leans back and reaches into her coffee percolator dress. Koenma is seeing red, Yusuke is hooting at the suggestiveness of such a move, Jin is giving rapid commentary while Touya has firmly turned himself in the other direction, and Kurama twitches an eyebrow before he realizes what's going on and just sighs. Hiei hasn't noticed his danger yet. As Keiko watches in horrified fascination, Botan snags something and pulls out…a script.

Yusuke: Whoo! Yeah, you show it to him! You show the…papers? What the-?!!

Keiko: (sighs in relief) Honestly, Yusuke, I can't believe you were thinking that!!

Kurama: (eyebrow up) Weren't you thinking that as well?

Botan: (flipping through pages) Let's see, let's see, mob song. Um, um, oh, here it is! Page 40! (shoves it at Hiei) Here, read it!

Hiei: (scanning pages with narrowed eyes)

Flyr: Botan thinks a script will convince Hiei more than kissing him? Has she been paying attention to how much he hates the script?!

Hiei: …(smirks) Fine, onna. You've got yourself a deal.

Kurama: (sweatdrop) I think you spoke too soon.

Touya: (frowns) But what's coming up next?

Botan: (claps hands) Good! Now go get into position and we'll start, okay?

Hiei: Can I see that mirror, Yukina?

Yukina: (brightly) Sure! (hands it over)

Yusuke: Hey! I've been asking for it for while, but you immediately hand it off to Hiei?! What kind of crap is that?!

Hiei: (glaring) Shut up.

The spirit detective rolls his eyes as Hiei frowns and twiddles the mirror through his fingers for a few moments. Koenma is watching with impatience as Botan tries to shape her choir again, this time making a nice Pascal's triangle design that keeps on bulging as the cast protests. Finally shrugging, Hiei undoes his headband and stares at the mirror. After a moment, a perfect replica of some hairy silhouette appears on it. He looks over to find Botan struggling and decides just to get on with it.

Hiei: Okay, listen up, you idiots. I've decided that it's time to form a mob!

Touya: (dryly) You mean, Botan decided - oophf! Stop hitting me with that stick!

Flyr: (trying to look innocent) Just making sure you're awake!

Hiei: (eyebrow up) Whatever. Now, this mob has to have direction, so I've selected a suitable target. I don't care if you kill him, in fact, I'd prefer it if you did, but I need lots of confusion and mass hysteria on the way.

Botan: Hiei, could you for once, just once, stick to your lines? -.-u

Hiei: …fine. (holds up the mirror) I say we kill the beast!

Kuwabara: (squawking as he sees himself in the pocket device) WHAT!?! You serious, shrimp?!

Kurama: (sweatdrops) Well, that was his line.

Hiei: (glares) I'm getting that way.

Sensing trouble from her request, Botan turns and starts leading the choir through their routine, a bit of prose first.

Touya: (bored) We're not safe until he's dead,

Kuwabara: o.o

Chu: (enjoying himself) He'll come stalkin' us at night!

Kuwabara: O.o What?

Flyr: (laughing her head off) Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite!

Kuwabara: X.x I don't eat children!! …or people either!!!

Yusuke: (deciding he might as well have some fun with this; grinning) He'll wreak havoc on our village if we let him wander free!

Kuwabara: You cause way more damage than me, Urameshi!!

Yusuke: (buffing his nails) Least I always win.

Kuwabara: HEY!! I'm gonna win one-!!

Hiei: (calmly hits him over the head with the mirror, then tosses it to Yusuke) Baka. Follow me.

Kurama: Um…Hiei, he's right here…

Hiei: (irritable) I know that. When are you getting to work, kitsune?

Kurama: (sighs) I'm on my way.

Koenma: (standing up) Okay, hold it right there!!

Both Kurama and Hiei glance at one another, suddenly slightly nervous, but really, they have nothing to worry about. …or maybe they do…

Koenma: Look, I know you're trying your best to corral these people, Botan, but I'm not having a repeat of the last chorus fiasco!! This time I'm calling in the experts! Oni!

George: (sighs) Yes, sir.

The blue skinned demon presses a button on the portable TV screen that Koenma has brought to accompany him, and seconds later a portal appears in the room, from which two people fall out of, one with short brown hair an preppy clothes, the other in jeans and a couple of T-shirts with a flashy ring dangling from his neck and pointy white hair styled in what appears to be antennae.

Brown haired girl: Ah! Yugi!

White haired boy: (trying to pry the girl off) Get off of me, woman! I'm not that brat! - I mean, uh, I'm not Yugi, Anzu. The movie's not that scary. (mutters) And you just had to sit between me and the puzzle, didn't you?!

Anzu: (suddenly confused) Bakura? (looks over) Whah! Where are we?! Who are those people?!

Bakura: (bored) Wraiths?

Anzu: …ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (gasps) Aaahhhhhhhhh-!!

Koenma: Whah!! Shut up!! (panics and goes with the information Bakura has given them) You've, uh, fallen asleep in the movies!

Anzu: I'm…asleep? Then why is Bakura here?

Bakura: I like haunting your nightmares. (rolls eyes, then frowns) Is this an offshoot of the shadow realm?

Koenma: (sweatdrop) Actually that was an accident. But, um, you've become a star dancer!

Anzu: (suddenly enamored) I have? Really?

Koenma: (lying through his teeth) Yeah! And I'm your manager! Now, I want you to help choreograph a scene for me, okay? These are the people you'll be working with!

Botan: What?!

Kurama: (sighs) -.-

Yusuke: (blinking) A choreographed mob song? Well, I guess that's okay…

Hiei: (glaring) I may be singing, but there is no way I'm going to be dancing as well, toddler.

Anzu: (frowning) Why are they all dressed funny?

Koenma: (grandly) It's a movie! Now get to work. (points at Bakura) And you! Get over here!

Bakura: (snorts) Why should I? You don't have a millennium item, do you?

Koenma: …no. But I'm, uh, production manager as well, and you're not allowed on set!

Bakura: Not impressed. Where is this place? You sure you've got no millennium items? Who's the blue guy? A monster? (begins staring speculatively at George)

George: (sweating heavily) Uh…I'm an..oni…

Bakura: (suddenly interested) An oni, really? Well, now. Attack and defense points are low for those, aren't they? (looks at Koenma) He yours?

Koenma: (suspicious but nods anyway)

Bakura: (in high spirits) All right then. (Pulls something out of his pocket) Man Eating Bug!

The ring on the strange boy's chest glows, and after a moment, a large creepy thing with big, scary, pointy jaws is facing down the poor oni, George. The blue guy gives a terrified squeak, then sprints off, running for his skin, the bug not far behind. Bakura nods, satisfied, to himself as he turns back to the still unruffled Koenma.

Koenma: (irritable) Was there a point to all that?

Bakura: Well, as he's your only monster on the field, as soon as I destroy him, I win. (smiles evilly) Be prepared to hand over your millennium items, kid.

Shizuru: (rolls her eyes) Look, I doubt Koenma's got much more than a golden diaper to offer you. What's your obsession with these item things anyway, you freak?!

Bakura: (looks at her for a moment, then grins silkily) Why, hello there. Mind if I take this seat?

Shizuru: (bland) Only if you want to be insulted for the rest of your stay, jerk.

The antennaed boy just laughs it off and takes the chair with a suggestive look as Koenma shakes himself in relief that Bakura's finally off the stage and looks over to the progress of his other guest. She seems to be doing fine, but the rest of the cast is looking at her flamboyant moves with horror and/or disgust. The Reikai king sighs to himself as he wonders if this was a good idea.

Anzu: Now, all you have to do is this - (does a complicated spin) - kay?

Yusuke: (not so happy with the idea anymore) Look, a mob is not going to be dancing like a bunch of ballerinas!! Get us some cooler stuff!

Keiko: (frowning) How are we supposed to get everything in sync?

Botan: (ready to tear out her hair) We were this close - this close! - to everyone singing!!

Anzu: But…that move gets you the most points on Dance Dance Revolution.

Yusuke: (pauses) What, really? …show me again!

Kurama: (quickly puts a hand out to stop the over enthusiastic Anzu) How about you just read the script and figure out something from there.

The girl stops, then shrugs, taking the papers. After a moment browsing and talking to herself, she snaps her fingers then turns to the rest of the cast, who is watching her with bored faces. Hiei is wondering quietly and with vague curiosity how long it will take to incinerate her hair. The rest are waiting with dread for their dance instructions, Botan, amazingly, glaring at the intruder for interrupting her fun.

Anzu: (happy) Okay, I've got it! We'll just run through the singing as we go along, and I'll yell instructions from the side. We'll fine tune it once everybody's got the idea down, okay?

Everyone: (muttered agreement)

Anzu: (not paying attention) Okay, then! Here we go!

Grumbling, the cast reforms into the triangle, with Botan at the head. Hiei has hidden himself effectively in the middle, but she yanks him out to start his song. Rolling his eyes and internally cursing their deal, which has turned irksome with the addition of a choreographer, the fire demon begins.

Hiei: (singing grumpily) Through the mist, through the woods, through the darkness and the shadows, it's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride.

Botan: (smiling encouragingly) See, isn't this fun?

Hiei: (eyebrow up) Whatever. Say a prayer, then we're there, at the drawbridge of a castle, and there's something truly stupid just inside.

Jin: Ach, he's changin' the lines again. Can't be somethin' good, me girl.

Flyr: No, it's hilarious!

Anzu: (pulling out a cone and yelling into it) Okay, now stomp around the set acting scary!!

Hiei: (remaining perfectly still and glaring at the girl) It's a baka, he's insane, not the sharp one. Lots of hair, stupid stare, he skips school.

Anzu: (fretting because it's not working) Well, um, you'll get that eventually! But the rest of you just run around him in fear!

Jin, Flyr, Chu, and Rinku happily oblige, in fits of giggles, but most of the cast looks at the girl as if she's crazy. Cause of course, this Hiei is currently pretty calm and nothing to be running from. Obviously she hasn't seen the fire demon in one of his rages.

Hiei: (annoyed but finishes off his lines) Hear him prat, see him foam, but we're not coming home, 'til he's dead, good and dead, kill the fool.

Yukina: (rushes up) No, I won't let you do this!

Hiei: (frowns) I'm not doing anything at the moment.

Toguro: ...Come on, I think we're supposed to go into the basement.

Yukina: (glances back, then over at Hiei, and finally just shrugs) Okay!

Hiei: (rubbing his head) Let's just get this over with.

The large fighter and tiny koorime walk off to Yukina's house while Botan grabs the still running and screaming Jin, Flyr, Chu, and Rinku and shoves them back into mob formation. A few beats and she starts them up.

Everyone (the mob): Light your torch, mount your horse!

Keiko: (frowning) Horse?

Yusuke: (backs up) Don't look at me, I'm a teacup!

Hiei: (holding script out) What does this mean, screw your courage to the sticking place?

Kurama: (sighs) It's an expression, don't worry about it. Shakespearian, you know.

Hiei: …I thought I told you to get to work?

Everyone (the mob): We're counting on Hiei to lead the way! Through a mist, to a wood-

Touya: (mutters) What wood? It's splinters!

Everyone (the mob): where within a haunted castle, something's lurking that you don't see every day!

Anzu: Good! Now start marching to the castle! Look like you're getting ready for a big attack!

Kuwabara: (slowly coming around) Ugh, what'd I miss?

Yusuke: (rolls eyes) The sky falling. Get up. And sing your lines! Unconsciousness is such a cop out!

Everyone (the mob; including a confused Kuwabara now): It's a baka, one as thick as a mountain! We won't rest 'til he's good and deceased!

Kuwabara: …hang on, is this about me?!! Whoa, hold it, why am I in the mob?!!

Flyr: (shrugs) Cameo shot?

Anzu: Okay, you're going to be acting this next part out! Arm motions are cool! Get going!

Everyone (the mob, now minus a pouting Kuwabara): (collective eye roll) Sally forth, tally ho, (the arm motions take hold) grab your sword, (and continue) grab your bow, praise Kami and here we go!

Anzu: Great!!

Botan: Um, how many people actually did that?

Keiko: (sweatdrop) Only four. Again.

Bakura: (stretching out along the back of his seat) So, come here often?

Shizuru: What idiot would want to?

Bakura: (laughing) What a witch! You're a riot!

Koenma: (frowning) This isn't working like I thought it would.

On stage, George streaks past, the Man Eating Bug fast on his tail. Briefly, he waves to Yukina, who's sitting calmly with Toguro on the steps of her house, after realizing there is no basement as it sits on hardwood flooring, then yipes as the bug makes a quick swipe at his loincloth. Holding it in position, the oni disappears once more into the stands.

Everyone (the mob): (hoping this will be over soon) We don't like what we don't understand, it frankly bugs us and this baka is pathetic at the least!

Anzu: Remember the arm motions!!

Everyone (the mob): Bring your guns (dodging of Yusuke's hastily withdrawn finger), bring your knives (Hiei makes no move), save your children and your wives, we'll save our village and our lives, we'll kill the fool!

Kuwabara: Why is everyone against me?!! Look, there are even people from the castle in there!! What's going on?!

Indeed, Botan, Jin, Flyr, and Touya remain in costume, Yusuke having discarded his somewhere along the way and gone back to the good old standard green outfit. The ferry girl looks a bit sheepish, but Jin takes the opportunity to start pointing out the obvious magnificence of his brass coating. Touya just looks bored.

Touya: We deserted. Get over it.

Botan: (starts) Oh, yeah, we've got lines!

She rushes over to the castle, the other three just shrugging and following after. After a bit of shoving, they assemble themselves near a window.

Jin: `Tis invaders!

Touya: (sighs) Encroachers.

Botan: (pointing at Yusuke, fixing his hair) And they've got the mirror!

Touya: (sighs again) Oh, whatever. Well, let's get things organized. Well have to think up something to slow them down, put up a fight and- (turns around to find no one) a-and…

Flyr: (yelling from across the stage) What are you hanging around for, Touya? We've got a mob to get back to!!

Touya: …This…is so stupid. (walks back anyway)

Hiei: Okay, remember, you can rob the place, but the general idea is to create confusion and chaos. A murder or two is just an extra bonus. (glares) And make sure you don't kill the important ones! (stalks off)

Keiko: (rolls eyes) He means, important to Hiei. (sighs) How about we just don't kill anyone at all?

Kuwabara: (quickly) I second that!!

Botan: (clapping hands) Right, here we go again! (pauses) Wait, we're the objects right now.

Everyone (the mob): (after a moment of confused shuffling, the cast rushes over to the other side of the stage near the castle) Hearts ablaze, banners high! We go marching into battle, unafraid, although the danger just increased!

Kuwabara: Uh, I'm just the bit afraid…

Everyone (the mob): (runs back to the original side) Raise the flag, sing the song, here we come, we're ten strong, and ten - (singing breaks off at this point)

Keiko: (confused) Just exactly what are we as a group? We're not Frenchmen, that's for sure!

Rinku: How about creatures?

Flyr: (angry) I'm not a monkey!

Botan: (sighs) Let's just say people associated with Reikai.

Jin: `Tisn't that a bit long?

Yusuke: (finishing the song by himself) Let's kill the baka! There, problem solved!!

Kuwabara: You're supposed to be on my side!!

Yusuke: Psh!! Put a sock in it!

Kuwabara: (steaming) Oh, yeah? Come say that to my face, Urameshi!!

Yusuke: I will!! Meet my talking fist!! (launches one at Kuwabara)

Touya: (sweatdrop) Stupidness must be catching.

Anzu: Hold it! This is no way for friends to act!! Friends don't fight friends, they get along and look out for each other, so you should stop beating each other up!! (an: no, no please! Not the friendship speeches! Other from these, I'd have nothing against her, but honestly…(shivers))

Everyone: …

Yusuke and Kuwabara continue fighting, never having paused.

Botan: (sweatdrop) Obviously she's got no clue how this team operates, does she?

Koenma: (finally giving it up, his idea was crap) Okay, okay, that's it! Thanks a lot, Anzu, you did a terrific job, but I think you have to go home now.

Anzu: (distracted again) Really? Oh, thanks! You can call me anytime, Mr. Manager!

You must be pretty good to get me these spots, and you're kind've cute!

Koenma: …(looks down to make sure he's still a toddler) Um…right…Oni!!

Faint whimpers come from the audience, as it seems as if the Man Eating Bug has finally cornered George. Koenma sighs as he turns to Bakura, who is joking with Shizuru and totally not paying attention.

Koenma: Call him off.

Bakura: -and then I said, "Why of course, Pharaoh, why don't we just play for your soul?" Mwhahahaha!!

Shizuru: …you're weird.

Eikichi: Meow?

Koenma: Look, Bakura, call off your monster!

Bakura: (glances up) Why? It's been a while since he's had some fun. Let him eat a few people, then I'll put him away. After you give me your millennium items, of course.

Everyone: (eyes the bug warily)

George: Meep! H-hurry, sir!!

Koenma: (rolls his eyes) Oh, for heaven's sake. Here! I'll give you my, um, Millennium Sticker Book! Now call him off and go stand near Anzu!

Bakura: (frowns) I don't think I've heard of that.

Koenma: It's, uh, made especially for gods!

Bakura: (eyes widen as he retrieves his bug) Gods? The Egyptian Gods, huh? Hand it over. (an: -.-u You know, Bakura's acting really silly in this. But a silly Bakura is hilarious! Insane one is just strange.)

Koenma: (shoves over a half finished sticker book he'd been doing during the boring stretches) Here. Now shoo!

Quickly, the relieved George sprints over to press the portal button, and the intruders disappear. Unfortunately, the cast is left in an even more confusing position, and Kurama and Hiei are nowhere to be found.

Keiko: I don't get it, how are we supposed to fight ourselves?!

Botan: Yusuke and Kuwabara seem to be doing a pretty good job of it. -.-u

Jin: Um, oh! I have an idea! (promptly socks himself in the face, only to dodge) Whew, that was close!

Flyr: …how about I just fight you?

Jin: (pouting) Me girl, ya always want to take tha easy way out.

Koenma sweatdrops as the rest of the cast sighs and begins fighting amongst themselves, Chu and Rinku returning to their favorite pastime, Touya using precise moves on an ice copy, Flyr trying unsuccessfully to pull a laughing Jin out of the air, Keiko using her powerful slap to try and break Yusuke and Kuwabara apart, and Botan finally giving up and just slamming her oar down on both teens' heads. By the cottage, Yukina looks over at Toguro.

Yukina: Do you think we can leave now?

Toguro: …not yet. Hiei's got to come back in.

Yukina: Oh. Okay!

And lo, as if on cue, sounds of the fire demon chuckling can suddenly be heard throughout the stage. (an: it seems as if someone has found our equipment, darn them.) A light whap comes, then curses of "Stop that, kitsune! Give me back the microphone!" and the response "Then at least get on with it!" before another switch is pulled, reminiscent of the one that used to drop titles at the beginning of the plays (an: darn kitsune got into our stash, we know it.) and a screen falls down. Genkai can be seen peeking out from backstage, book in hand, as she notes the screen and hits a projector, then retreats back inside. With growing trepidation, Koenma watches the scene playing out as Hiei gives a voice over.

Hiei: (over mike) Heh, toddler, after continually insulting me and setting me up with my sister, I thought you'd enjoy a bit of fun.

Koenma: (surprised) That's my 286th birthday party!

Yusuke: (bland) You've aged well. Swear you don't look a day older.

Botan: (frowning) 286th? …hang on, wasn't that when-?

Koenma: (eyes go wide) Oh, crap, that's my 286th birthday party!! I had forgotten about those home videos! Oni, the projector!

Yusuke: (suddenly interested) No, no, I want to see this!

Hiei: Hn. It doesn't matter if you stop showing it here, we've got one set up in the workroom as well, where most of your onis and ferry girls are. (an: argh! There go the backups!)

Botan: (sighs) Oh dear. I don't think this-

Kuwabara: Whoa! What's that?!

Yusuke: (laughing his head off) That cake just turned into something totally different!

Koenma pushes his hat down over his eyes and shrinks down in his seat as the scene plays out, Yusuke guffawing throughout it with an amazed Kuwabara, while Keiko turns her back with a blush, unwilling to watch, and Botan just sighs again. Toguro politely puts a hand in front of Yukina's view. George is confused as to what to do and finally just sits down with Shizuru to snack on Melba Toast and watch the show.

Yusuke: (perverted grin) Whoo, hoo! Guess he can't complain about the spankings, now can he?! Bwhahahahaha!

Keiko: (smacks him without turning around)

Kurama: (heard faintly over the mike) Hiei, I think that's enough. Turn it off.

Hiei: Stop badgering me, fox. I want to see the reaction.

After a moment, the screen fuzzes, and another picture resolves itself, this one of the workroom, where the onis and ferry girls were obviously watching the video playing. They wait a moment after the film finishes, then look at one another. The satisfaction of the fire demon is almost palpable as Koenma squeezes his eyes shut, but after another moment of silence, the workroom shrugs as a whole and gets back to what they were doing. Muttered curses come from the speakers and Koenma sighs in relief. Botan just shakes her head.

Botan: I don't know what Hiei expected. I mean, Koenma always ODs on candy, everyone knows that. Heck, I even had to burp him once. (makes a face)That really wasn't very fun.

Yusuke: (snorting with laughter) Oh, but did you see his face! I swear, that was the worst look of constipation ever! Wouldn't want to be in his position, that's for sure!

Kuwabara: (with newfound respect) I didn't know a cake could turn into a mountain of candy.

Botan: (sweatdropping) I'm afraid Koenma's a little obsessed. Halloween is a big day for him, too.

Shizuru: (glancing over at the Reikai prince) You're pathetic, you know that?

Koenma: (slumped in chair) Shut up.

Yukina: (turning to Toguro) Does that count as Hiei coming back in?

Toguro: …(shrugs)

Yukina: (smiles) Do you think we might move on now?

Kuwabara: (snapping to attention) For my peanut butter cookie of crumbly goodness, anything you desire!!

Keiko: …you do realize you're gonna get stabbed, right?

Kuwabara: (squawking) WHAT?!!

Botan: (nods) Yeah, Hiei's supposed to do the honors, but since he's not here…

Jin: Oo, oo, lass, pick me, pick me!!

Botan: Um…I think I'll just do it, actually. (takes out oar and pokes Kuwabara in the gut) There.

Kuwabara: Oww! I'm not made of iron, you know!

Botan: Whoops! Sorry, forgot, eh… (smiles weakly)

Keiko: Whatever, just die, okay!

Kuwabara: Humphf! (lays down on the floor) Fine, uuuughhhhh….

Yusuke: What was that?

Kuwabara: …uuuuugghhhhhh…..

Yusuke: Ah, come on, man, that's horrible dying! Nobody moans and goes "uuuughhhh", it just happens! I've done this before, work with me! Tell him, Botan!

Botan: Well…sometimes people do die and go "uuuuughhhhh" but you don't get it that often. Most of the time they just gasp and fall back, or just blink out of the mortal life, you know?

Kurama: (dragging Hiei into the room) Lessons about death by the grim reaper. (sweatdrops) How fitting.

Hiei: (put out) Hn.

Kuwabara: Okay, okay, don't be so picky! Sessh! (rolls his eyes then gasps)

Yukina: (rushes up) Kazuma!

Kuwabara: (suddenly alert again) Yukina!! You came back, my springtime bird in the winter, my boomerang of joy!!

Yukina: (dramatic) Of course I came back. I couldn't let them...Oh this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner!

Kuwabara: That's all right, baby, no harm done!

Yukina: Don't talk like that!

Kuwabara: (undone) Uh…

Yukina: (weakly) You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see.

Kuwabara: Yeah, that's what I'm telling you, so don't worry about me!

Keiko: Grr! You're supposed to die here! Get with the program!!

Yukina: (cocks her head) I don't think Kazuma will die from a wound like this. See? (easily heals him)

Botan: Um…I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to-

Touya: (looking down at the rose in his fishbowl, almost dead) Should I just throw this out?

Kurama: Argh! (runs over and snatches rose) My rose! Quick, does anybody have water?

Everyone: …

Chu: Eh, I've got some Foster's, lad, but it's probably not - Hey! Don't go wastin' it!

Kurama has just poured the entire can of beer down on the poor lonely rose. Most of the cast waits with little hope, but obviously the concoction must be a miracle worker for stone dead plants as color slowly returns to the flower. Kurama sighs with relief and puts the alcohol sodden rose back into his hair. Keiko puts her hands over her eyes.

Keiko: Could this get any more messed up?!

Touya: (sighs) Perhaps then we'd best get back to the play.

Kuwabara: So…um, now that I'm not dead…shouldn't I be turning back into a prince? And what about my poofy pants?

Yusuke: Dork. She has to say she loves you, remember?

Kuwabara: Oh, yeah! (bits his lip, then turns to Yukina) Well, my instant timer of the race of love, my keyboarding genius, do -d-do…do you…um, do you l-

Everyone: Get on with it!

Kuwabara: (squeezing eyes shut) Do you love me?!

Silence.

More silence.

Even more silence.

Duh.

Finally, something happens.

Yukina: Love? (frowns) Aren't we already friends, Kazuma?

Kuwabara: Uh…friends?

Yukina: (nods quite seriously) Yep. And friends love each other, right? They care about one another and take care of them. So (smiles brightly) of course I'll be friends with you! Cause I already am one!

Yusuke: ….bwhahahahahahaha!!! Oh, it hurts! Oh, rejected yet again!!

Kuwabara: Urameshi! I'm gonna pound your face into the ground!

Yukina: (quickly) Oh, don't talk like that! Yusuke loves you too!

Yusuke: WHAT?!

Kuwabara: …(gags and backs away)

Yukina: You're friends, so you love each other. In fact, I think Yusuke loves everyone here! And so do you, Kazuma!

Yusuke: Uh…huh…(turns abruptly) Keiko, I don't like this definition. It's not in the dictionary is it? Because I don't think it's legal!

Keiko: (not listening) The movie…the movie just went to pot.

Botan: (sweatdrop) I think it got a whole lot more messed up, Keiko.

Koenma: No, I like this ending! He stayed a beast, what an interesting twist! Heh, I think I read a book once like that. (an: actually, I did read a version where he remained a beast. It was…interesting…hm.)

Hiei: (only slightly mollified by the results) Hn. Are we finished now?

Botan: Yeah! My couch needs to go back, and we've still got a sleepover party at my house going on!

Koenma: Oh, whatever! Get on the couch!

Botan: Hey, Shizuru, want to come as well?

Kuwabara: What!? No way! (starts shivering)

Shizuru: (shrugs) Sounds fine.

The spirit detective gang, namely Yusuke, Kuwabara, Keiko, Botan, Kurama, Hiei, Yukina, and Shizuru, climb aboard the soon to be traveling leather couch. Botan waves a cherry goodbye to George as the oni hits the portal button, smiling back. Left behind on the stage, Touya sighs.

Touya: Oh well, no point in staying anymore I guess.

Flyr: (looking over at Jin) You know, at the end of the movie, the feather duster ran off with the candlestick.

Jin: (looking back with a grin) Oh, really, me girl?

Flyr: (laughing) Care to try it?

Chu: (annoyed) Oh, can ya just get a portal now?! That was my last Fosters! Marie here can't find anymore.

The dimension witch sighs and summons a portal quickly, shoving everyone inside. Only the echoing yell of "I'm not - oh, I give up, call me Marie!" can be heard after their departure.

Koenma sighs and shakes his head, already planning to have the onis up in the rafters to take down all the equipment. This had been a close call and next time Hiei might find the diaper changing videos. He shivers as the mental picture of a maniacal fire demon on a rampage comes up. Honestly, Hiei was something he was going to have to deal with. But maybe he'd go on a break for now, just in an effort to cut the retaliation. How much trouble could the demon and his ferry girl get into in a short period of time, right?

Brushing it off, he calls in the set design crew and vacates the area, looking for that toy magazine he'd been reading while on the toilet. There was a nifty singing Elmo that he'd been meaning to order.

(an: Aaaanndddd, it's finished!! Beauty and the Baka, done! That's the third off my list, only one more to conquer! Or to be exact,