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| "Mobile Suit Gundam GGeneration: Dreams" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Title: FFRG Review - Ch. 7
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: May 21, 2006 12:56 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hi, and thanks for submitting to FFRG. Firstly, let me apologize for taking so long to get to you! Now, on to your review! Overall, you have a good sense of dialogue, and it is very well done aside from a few places that needed a comma to offset the person you're speaking to and the rest of the sentence. For example, in the sentence: "Good. So how do you think we should proceed Major Nadist?", you need to have a comma after 'proceed', otherwise you're asking if he thinks they should proceed to Major Nadist. Stuff like that can be quickly rectified with the help of a good grammar beta. I like that you took care with spelling and such. Your story has clean formatting, and that is a huge plus. A bit more detail would help to flesh out the world you're trying to get your readers to see, and there are a few cases where you tend to lean toward the narrative, as in 'telling' your readers instead of 'showing' them. When I say this, I mean that telling everyone that someone was 'surprised' or the like is fine, but it is also nice to 'show' it: a widening of the eyes or a drop-mouthed expression show this emotion without having to explain it. In any case, though, your chapter is solid, and a very entertaining read! Thanks for submitting to FFRG, and good luck with your future writings!
| Title: FFRG Review Ch 6
Reviewed By: MissMusicality [MediaMiner Member] On: January 03, 2006 00:33 CST
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting this chapter to FFRG to be reviewed! You have a very detailed story going on here. You seem to have it well planned in this chapter. The story is flowing smoothly, and mad kudos to your dialogue...it fits well in the story, and isn't strange or awkward. Well done. As for suggestions for improvement, my best is this: Watch your tenses! Right after the log entry, you start in present tense with this "is's" and your present tensed verbs. But then you switched into past tense, and you stuck with that most of the time. My advice: go with past tense. It sounds more natural, you use it most often, and it's also easiest! Every once in a while you slip in some present tense verbs. Be careful, read through it again, and go back and change them to match the rest of the story. Also, check through for minor grammar errors, because I saw a few. Nothing reoccurring, really, but there were some mistakes, as there are bound to be. Don't worry about it too much, but focus mainly on fixing those tenses. That will solve almost any flow problems you have in this chapter, and with your whole story. Make sure they are all in the same tense! But, again, you're doing great, and this chapter had great descriptions, and some great dialogue. Keep up the good work, and best of luck!
| Reviewed By: Nabeshin III [MediaMiner Member] On: September 27, 2005 02:04 CDT
Comment/Review:
>gundamfangirl Because I don't want people to think that this is just another GS or Wing or MSG fic. The fic is going to take its own direction, away from the series later so by changing the names allows me much more freedom to do what I like with the characters.
| Reviewed By: gundamfangirl [MediaMiner Member] On: September 18, 2005 18:01 CDT
Comment/Review:
great idea!!! but why did you make Raww le Cruset a girl and change the names of the GS chara???
| Title: FFARG review Ch1
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 18:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off, it's good that you told people to read the Prologue and that the prologue is only a page long. (It's not very nice to do that.) I love you for writing a Gundam fic but NOT about Gundam Wing. You have impeccable grammar, so there is really nothing I can comment on about that. Reading the prologue helped immensely and your characters are both good and engaging. Overall, I had a little bit of trouble getting engaged into your storyline simply because I haven't seen most of the Gundam series' if you explained a little more you would get your readers into the story better especially because there are fans who *have* seen a series and haven't watched it for a time and may not be too familiar with it anymore. But, to a real fan of the series, I have a good idea that your story would be a god sent reward for any good deed they've ever done. Good job, keep writing and thank you for submitting to the FFARG. An idea for submitting the next chapter of your fanfiction would be to define which serieses of the Gundam stories that your fic includes.
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