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| "Legend of Zelda: AvP" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG review Cont.
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2005 14:51 CDT
Comment/Review:
Everything goes right no matter what happens and there isn't much surprise. Instead of having Zelda coming to her father, you could have her father come to them all knowing and approving. (It isn't much of a change). "Word spread fast of Link and Zelda getting married in a while." In chapter three the words "In a while," are very weak and have no place in marriage announcements. I like your run over the timeline of OoT. As a note, there are not really 'humans' in Hyrule; there are Hylians (Forgive my possible misspelling of Hylian). I like how one of the predators seems to help Zelda. And if you go into a bit of what Zelda thinks and feels about this 'pregnancy' it would be more real. Even if she just pushes it out of her mind. Over all, like Dumas said, you do a very good job of combining two *very* different stories without making it look utterly foolish. Just remember about the fight scenes and sentences. Keep it up. ^^
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2005 14:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to the FFARG. In your first three sentences, you start them off with "He". It sounds sort of repetitive. You could start off your sentences with what he's doing "Running," or his name. You don't use names until the characters wake up, and whether or not this is intentional I don't know, but it's vaguely confusing. How you start chapter one is odd. You didn't say how old Link or Zelda were in the prologue, and you start off chapter one with 'seven years later', without stating clearly what event those seven years had been after. If you just show perhaps that Link and Zelda are *Counts* 13 or so in the prologue it would be easier to understand and be drawn to. You could state how the characters grow into wiser adults. You don't capitalize after you put a full sentence in quotations. (You need to ^_~) Your fight scenes are sort of chopped up and they could flow better. If you refrain from starting your sentences with subjects like "He, she, (name)" And start them with words of action or feelings it might help. Your love scene is ok, but a bit abrupt, there isn't much that is different about that night that would make either character disregard what they'd been doing for so long to suddenly come up with the words of love they both had been feeling. You could state a bit about the predators, what they feel and where they came from for an insight from the evil people. Your romance is a bit… perfectionist.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 24, 2005 14:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this fic to FFARG. The premise is...interesting, and you have combined the separate sources almost seamlessly, though points such as just when the Aliens arrived in Hyrule and what they lived on in Death Mountain require answers. The main problem I see with this fic is the terrible redundancy of the prose. Take for example just the first two sentences of this piece: He found himself in a dark room, the room that surrounded him was almost as if made from pure evil. He walked cautiously backwards, sensing evil. It is not necessary to say 'the room that surrounded him' when you have already stated that he in in a room. Similarly, writing that Link sensed evil in a room made of pure evil is redundant. Later on, phrases such as 'sever off' and saying that a targeting system helps in targeting are also redundant. In addition to being redundant, many of your sentences are also awkward. Some are missing small words, as in this example from chapter 1: He walked towards castle. Others, contain misspelled or transposed words, such as 'croup' for 'crop' in the sentence about the town market in that same paragraph. Croup is either a disease that causes a particular type of cough or a horse's rear end. I would suggest finding a competent proofreader to look this fic over, and possibly obtaining a good book on punctuation, grammar, and mechanics.
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