|
| "Normal" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 20, 2005 23:09 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to FFARG. This one-shot made for an interesting introspection in the mind of Dorothy. There really isn't much to go over, since it was pretty short. Your usage of question marks is about the only thing I am able to critique on. There was too many that I found that were worded as questions, but had no question marks on them. The questions seemed fairly repetitive within the paragraphs, though you managed to keep her in character for the most part. Perhaps try rewording some of them to cut down on the amount of questions in each paragraph so it loses a little of the repetitiveness. That should help with the flow. It was an enjoyable read, thanks for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFRG Review: Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: August 20, 2005 22:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
I've got to say that I was really looking forward to reading something from the Big O fandom when I saw that it was submitted to FFRG. While I felt that you had a very interesting opening, I did note a few things that I feel should be pointed out. Firstly, the formatting of this chapter, while I realize are 'thoughts' might be more easily read without the italics. This would work because you are writing from the first person POV here. There are quite a few grammatical errors that could be cleaned up with the help of a good beta reader, and the chapter, overall, unless it is intended to only be a Prologue, is a little short. I felt, as a reader, that there were a few things that could have been more thoroughly explored, like WHY does Dorothy feel the need to do this introspection? Why does she seem to feel a little lost or maybe introspectful? Also, I wonder if the 'louse' bit isn't a little too pronounced. I have seen the entire series (own it, actually) and she really doesn't call him that THAT frequently, and only when it is actually deserved. Dorothy tends to be overly fair, in that respect. Overall, though I wish it had been longer, it was quite an interesting first chapter. I hope you continue this story and would love to read more of it as you go! Word flow is good, and I enjoyed the chapter! Thank you for submitting to FFRG!
| Reviewed By: LaLa13 (nsi) On: August 06, 2005 16:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hey, I like it. Very well written, except that you missed a ? mark in one place, and instead put a period. Beside that, great job! The Big O rocks. If you write something else using Dorothy, please e-mail me at unseen_angel9@yahoo.com
|
|
|
