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| "Tears of Comfort" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 23:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
I've only seen the first three episodes of Magic Knight Ray Earth so I'll try my best for you. "There princesses from our neighbouring country," I think there should be a comma between There and princesses, to indicate a pause, either that or "there were princesses," I don't know. When you go into Lady Aska's entourage you don't need to state her name before the servant's name. It's clear enough. You have a lot of really, really long sentences that aren't quite run on sentences but almost enough. It makes your writing seem a bit long-winded. I know that Hikaru, Umi, and Fuu's colours are never really gone against, but just once I'd like to see one of them wear white, black or perhaps put Fuu in green. But it's nothing serious. Overall you have a writing sense (especially in the beginning) that seems to flutter all over the place, and whether or not it's to illustrate Eagle's apparent confusion or not I'm not sure. This seems to clamp (so to speak) itself out later in the chapter. Good work and keep it up. Thank you for submitting to the FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 08, 2005 22:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to FFARG. This is an interesting variation on the 'Old flame at the wedding' theme, and a very well-written one. My only criticism is word choice here and there, just a few places where it seems that a different word would be more suitable. For example the third sentence: I couldn't resist either of them a favor. I think that 'deny' or 'refuse' would fit better than 'resist.' This is a nice piece, though shonen-ai isn't usually my thing.
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