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| "Living in Pain" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Miss Shepherdess [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2005 01:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
That was, in a way, a very realistic wiev from the inside of someone's head, though this would be a very dangerous line of thought to take... So, he died in the end? Or so I understood..? The main character left me feeling, that he's very in touch with his emotions, but that he lacked courage to deal with them, since he was so quick to abandon all hope. I'm sure there would have been someone there for him, even if it was not his love... Combine this skill with emotion you have with a tale that tells a story! I'm sure you'd have exellent characters as a result. :)
| Reviewed By: Nita-sama (nsi) On: July 31, 2005 13:05 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
O_O wooooooow! that was a hell of an attention grabber if i do say so myself. i though he wanted to be saved though. you're going to keep going on this one right? ::glare *hint hint*:: you have my attention!! Update date you crazy onna! UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rating: 10+
| Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: July 31, 2005 06:55 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Wow, this was a great scene! You started out excellently, capturing the reader's attention with your character's intense self-loathing. And your twist at the end is a great idea to break away from the stereotypical saved-from-depression-and-suicide-by-devoted-lover theme. Only, in my opinion, you introduced it a little bit too abruptly. Perhaps it could help if you started a new paragraph with that '-no.', where the view generally turns to the pessimistic side. And the last sentence - 'All of his wishes have been granted' - is a little bit, well, confusing. From the beginning and the interaction with his lover, I gathered that he wanted to be saved. Even with that complete turn-around you made at the end, that wish comes as quite a surprise. After all, you mentioned nowhere that this person is even able to make a wish in the state he is in (I know that sounds strange, but at the moment, I can't find the right words for it...) And the last thing that sprung to my eyes: For online-reading, I find it easier to read stories where the paragraphs are double-spaced. With such a short story, it's no big problem, but if you've got pages and pages of block text, it sometimes becomes quite difficult to read. random association: experimenting with one-liner's quite satisfying But I still liked it very much. You've got good grammar and sentence structure, and you've got a great talent for capturing feelings and inner turmoil. Excellent work, keep it up!
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